What, exactly, is a "chevrolet?" Bob Seger keeps saying it's like Iraq.
Monday, June 30, 2003
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Friday, June 27, 2003
Turns out my Minister of Information was not actually arrested the other day. The American vermin from the bowels of hell did catch him, but all they did was ask him a few questions. Then they let him go!!
Now how insulting is that?!?! The poor slob is so worthless, he can't even get himself locked up!!! That has to be a serious blow to his ego.
Hmmm.... I wonder if I could get off that easy.....?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:32 PM
Thursday, June 26, 2003
The New York Times reports that the United States of Evil Invasions State Department and the Central Infidel Agency are at odds over whether those trailers were used to manufacture bioweapons or as mobile ice cream sales platforms.
On the other hand, the story is in the Times, so who the hell knows if it's even true?
For what it's worth, I hate biological warfare, okay? Takes too long for people to get sick and croak. That's why I've always preferred chemical weapons. They're much faster. At least that's what our clinical trials on the Shiites showed. I mean IF we had had such clinical trials (which we didn't), that's what they would have shown. PROBABLY shown, I mean. Because I really wouldn't know. How would I? No way.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 8:39 PM
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
In rereading my entry about Victoria Clarke from yesterday, I realized that some of you may have gotten the wrong idea about me. I am NOT some sort of cheater making false promises to women while spreading my demon seed around. Lying to the United Nations is one thing; lying to the ladies is quite another.... Unless I'm trying to get a piece of camel, if you know what I mean. Then her name may as well be Hans Blix.
Granted, I have gone out with the Dixie Chicks several times, and yes, we have engaged in the occasional orgy or seven, but who hasn't? It's not like the four of us are going steady or anything. We're just, you know, "friends...." Good friends.... Really, REALLY, good friends.
Fine, so I have a wife. But don't remind me, okay? I mean, have you ever seen a picture of her? Her mustache is bushier than mine! Sometimes she even braids it!!
And that's pretty typical of women around here. That's why Arab men invented the burqa. And while the wearing of burqas in public is optional in most middle eastern countries, they are absolutely required in bedrooms everywhere.
Besides, I subscribe to the Bill Clinton theory of marriage: It's only cheating if your wife is in the room.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:22 PM
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Pentagon Spokesperson Victoria Clarke has announced she is resigning.
This is terrible news, and highly inconsiderate of her!! She really should have cleared her decision with me first.
Now I am left with a vacancy on the Nine of Diamonds in my deck of "America's Most Wanted," which will soon be offered for sale via an intense spam campaign. It's going to cost a fortune to change the order at this late date. On the other hand, I could just threaten to shoot the printers.....
Incidentally, my deck will have 87 cards in it. And you know what that means, right?
Uh-huh: Mine's bigger than theirs!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Hopefully Miss Clarke left a forwarding address. I was planning to ask her out.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 3:08 AM
Monday, June 23, 2003
I will say this for the Americans: They are certainly persistent. Now they're doing DNA tests on human remains from a convoy they bombed last week to see if one of the bodies is mine!
Many of you are no doubt concerned about me.... I am deeply touched by your love and devotion. Now hurry up, finish kissing my feet, and get the hell away from me.
I assure you I am fine. It's going to take more than a silly airstrike to get me!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 10:44 PM
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:35 AM
Saturday, June 21, 2003
We went to Saddam Mall--or as it's called now, Basra Shopping Towne Plaza--and picked up some essentials: Milk, bread, batteries, rocket propelled grenades, and a copy of Habib Potter and the Odor of the Infidels. I love those Habib Potter books. He's gotten himself out of some pretty tough situations, and for some reason, I tend to identify with that. Sometimes I wish I could just chant a few incantations and turn the invaders into ferrets.... Or Gambian giant rats....
Then again, it's a safe bet that Habib has never watched his beloved Hogwarts School be overrun by 200,000 unwelcome invaders.
Now I understand why Pat Buchanan is always bitching about the illegal aliens invading the US!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 12:56 PM
Friday, June 20, 2003
I know the United States has one of those election things coming up next year. So to get a better feel for what Americans are thinking, I have added a new poll. Please take it, for I truly care about what all of you thinking COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH GASP COUGH COUGH!!!!!!
Almost choked on my words. But don't worry; I'm okay now!
Here are the top results for the previous "What did Saddam do with his (alleged) weapons of mass destruction?" poll:
548 of you think they are on temporary loan to Syria.
180 of you idiots.... Um, loyal followers actually believe I destroyed them in compliance with United Nations resolutions.
166 of you think I hid them in my shorts. Good guess, but that's NOT the reason it's crowded down there.
And on the question of "Where's Saddam?":
241 of you think I'm still in the Mosul bus station.
149 of you think I'm living in a villa in France, and sharing hookers with Jacques Chirac.
74 of you believe I'm in Russia doing vodka shooters with President Vladimer Whathisname.
I'll leave the new poll up by itself through next week, at which point it will go into rotation with the previous two.
So please do vote. Really. I value your opinions almost as much as I value a big steamin' pile of camel crap.
Have a nice day.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 3:09 AM
Now there is talk that spam may soon spread to cell phones in the form of junk text messages.
Is nothing sacred?
Why should I have to pay more in airtime charges just to accomodate some idiot who thinks there is a problem with Little Saddam.... Which is just an expression, you understand.... There is NOTHING little about him! Nor does the little guy--I mean BIG guy--have any problems standing at attention for extended periods of time!
So what would I want with more Viagra? Um, not that I have any alleged Viagra in the first place. Nope. Not me. Uh-uh. You must have me confused with a different Saddam Hussein.
In fact, I have never EVER had ANY Viagra, nor have I ever made use of any other forms of Weapons of Massive Erections. And even if I did, which I don't, and never have, I would most certainly never EVER use them on the Shiites.
But if you do happen to hear of any good prices on the stuff, let me know. I'm just, you know, "curious."
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:11 AM
Thursday, June 19, 2003
People sometimes ask me, "Saddam, how do you propose to defeat your enemies? You are hopelessly outnumbered, and your top officials are being rounded up one by one. Are you mad? Off your medication? Insane with grief over the death of your son Uday, whose eyeball you continue to carry around in your pocket?"
Those are all very good points, indeed. And not to worry: It is all part of my master plan, as is today's arrest of Abid Hamid Mahmud, my personal secretary and most trusted aid. The best part is that the Americans now have over half the people included in their stupid deck of 55 cards.
"How is this good news, Saddam?" you ask. "Are you still coming? I have sold all my Celine Dionne CD's and bought the entire Dixie Chicks catalog in anticipation of your arrival."
Quite simple, actually. I'm infiltrating the enemy from within!! When enough of my people are captured, they shall take over the American hordes from within. Hell, the number of Iraqi prisoners in custody now is almost greater than the number of invading tresspassers! So my plan is obviously sound!
On cue, they will all ask to use the bathroom facilities simultaneously. Then, when the Americans are busy mopping up their bathrooms because everyone flushed at the same time, we'll make our move.
So that's what I tell the people that ask me about my plans. Then I pull out a gun and shoot them for having the unf*ckingbelievable audacity to doubt me in the first place!!
Any more questions?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:10 AM
Monday, June 16, 2003
Well, I've been found out. The infidel American President seems to have finally discovered the source of my Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Wait.... I MUST be getting old!!! What I MEANT to say was ALLEGED Weapons of Mass Destruction, which I no longer have, because I destroyed them so that I would be in compliance with United Nations resolutions, because I'm such a wonderful citizen of the of the international brotherhood of man, thereby making the world place a safer place to live!
I'll be guest hosting Jay Leno's show next week.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:59 PM
The illegal occupiers have noticed stepped up guerilla activity against their forces, and they suspect that someone is organizing it.
Gee, I wonder who that could be...?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:54 AM
You'd think Uday would've sent me a Father's Day card after all I've done for him these last three months, but N-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O!!!!!!!!
Then again, he is dead, and all I have left is one of his eyeballs, so maybe I shouldn't be so hard on him.....
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:03 AM
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Saddam will be in meetings all day, so he has asked me to fill in for him. The Great One is busily plotting his comeback and eventual liberation of America. That sort of thing takes up a lot of one's time, as plans must be prepared, equipment ordered, troops lined up, American Dinars printed, and the Dixie Chicks' concert schedules checked so that any invasion does not interfere with their shows.
Saddam also wanted me to let you know that he will soon be reducing the frequency of his posts, probably to several times a week as opposed to almost daily. If do come here, and there's nothing new, Saddam does subscribe to SatireSearch, and those links are automatically updated every day. You can find them at the very bottom of this page.
There's also Lugosi's site, which is updated on a (mostly) daily basis. I really don't know why Saddam reads him; this lugosi is obviously infidel vermin--or is it vermin infidel? Plus, I think his credibility leaves a LOT to be desired.
Many of you have inquired about my well being. Thank you for that. Your love and support means a lot to me, as no one in my own family seems to believe a word I say. Can't understand why they are like that.
Anyway, it is nice to be appreciated, even if it is by godless barbarian infidels who continue to impale themselves by the tens of thousands on the gates of Baghdad. At last count, there were 13,783,437 of you piled up out there. And you're getting a little rank in that hot desert sun, I might add.
I've been staying busy here at the Iraqi Ministry of Information's temporary quarters in a broom closet at a secret, undisclosed location. Unfortunately, I do have to share the space with a balding man named Dick something. He carries a portable defibrillator.
I have, of course, been checking out other job opportunities. Ideally, any new position I accept would make maximum use of my journalism background, eye for details, and world-renown reputation for fact checking.
In fact, the New York Times just called me back for a second job interview, so I'm optimistic about that.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 8:12 PM
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
I am SO out of the loop lately! Thanks to Victor, an alert follower, I have just learned that the desperate criminal occupiers of this great land known as Iraq--which is unfortunately plagued by too many damn locusts, scorpions, and Shiites--have begun printing Dinar notes with MY picture on them!!!!
They say it is because they need to get some kind--ANY kind--of currency back into circulation, but you and I both know that's camelsh*t! The REAL reason is that they are preparing to surrender to my superior forces and are laying the groundwork for my return to power. Little do they know that this time, I don't plan to settle for just Iraq. Or that dinky Kuwait, either.
Does anyone have Alan Greenspan's email address? I want to send him my idea for the new American Dinar which will feature a portrait of George Washington bowing before me. Hopefully we can have those ready to go in time for the upcoming holiday shopping season.....
No, NOT Christmas, you idiot infidel. I meant Ramadan!!!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 3:56 AM
Far be it for me to tell the Americans how to do their jobs, but IF I were them, I'd be a lot more worried about all the rocket propelled grenades flying by than any alleged WMD's that may or may not exist.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 3:36 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
What? You didn't actually think I would tell YOU anything, did you?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:55 PM
Whatever differences I may have with the American President, I must give him credit on one point: He is an eternal optimist.
The infidel invading hordes' search teams can keep looking all they want. They're not going to find anything. My OFFICIAL position is, as I have long maintained, that we long ago destroyed all our mean old weapons of mass destruction in compliance with United Nations resolutions. But between you and me, they're actually
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:54 PM
Monday, June 09, 2003
Many of you no doubt remember Salaam Pax, the Baghdad blogger. I have personally met him several times. Very nice guy. He had to stop blogging for a while during the war after I stole--I mean "permanently borrowed"-- his laptop (I love this keyboard!), but then he started up again a few weeks later. Guess he bought a new computer at CompIRAQ.
Anyway, there was a lot of speculation about whether he was real or the figment of some overzealous New York Times reporter's imagination. And even though I referred to him several times, people continued to doubt that he existed. I really don't understand why. I mean, it's not like I would ever tell a lie, right? I said RIGHT!?!?
Here is independent confirmation of Salaam's existence from a reporter at Slate.com. It's actually quite interesting.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go trim my nose hair.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:42 AM
Saturday, June 07, 2003
A special thanks to Rogue Element, who writes, I read your diary on a daily basis, and note that you mention the Mobile Weapons Labs. They were in fact Ice Cream Vans. The Ice Cream Vans were abandoned by Iraqi fighters, in case the US troops caught them eating the ice cream without paying for it. They are strictly NOT mobile weapons labs.
Thank you for your unflinching loyalty in the face of overwhelming odds, Rogue. I like your thinking. It shows originality, audacity, and the all-important "Who? Me? WMD's? Nope. Not I" attitude. So the question now becomes: Will the Americans fall for it? Michael Moore certainly would. Hell, he'd fall for ANYTHING containing the words "ice cream!!!" Throw in a slice of cheesecake and a couple of donuts, and Michael will swear that General Motors is the finest company on the face of Allah's green Earth!
But I'm not so sure about the CIA. Their standards for proof are a little higher. Then again, they did think my people would actually welcome an invasion by an army of heavily armed English speaking infidels, so maybe I'll need more cheescake after all.
At any rate, I have forwarded your comments and email address to the White House, so the officials from the Department of Homeland Insecurity should be coming by any day now to talk to you.
Have fun in Guantanomo Bay. Oh, and be watch out when Abdul drops the soap!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:54 AM
Friday, June 06, 2003
I see that a couple of innovative companies have decided to honor my supporters by putting their pictures on decks of cards. The first, NewsMax.com, has a picture of Dixie Chick Natalie Maines on the six of hearts. Unfortunately she is fully clothed BUT she does look quite sexy in that Republican Guard beret. The cards from NewsMax also feature inspirational quotes which have served to give me hope in these dark days.
ThanxForNothing.com is offering a similar deck, but without the quotes and berets.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:36 PM
I highly recommend this film. It's hilarious.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:24 PM
The American trespassers are running around, changing the names of various places named after me. By now everyone knows Saddam International Airport became Baghdad International Airport (what kind of name is that for an airport?). Basra's Saddam Hospital is now something called Public Hospital. Saddam City is Revolution City. Is it my fault that my people love me so much that choose to repeatedly honor me by naming hospitals, shopping malls, schools, and highway interchanges after me? Is it my fault that they have no choice BUT to love me or else face ten years in prison?
No, of course not!
Don't the infidels realize that they are only creating more work for me for when I return to power? The longer it takes me to restore the proper names of all the landmarks that have been defiled, the more tired I will become. And when I get tired, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I invade surrounding countries. So the Americans, if they know what's good for them--and Kuwait--better lighten up on the renaming business.
Speaking of business, I'm getting tired of listening to people do theirs. I need to get out of this bathroom.
Which brings me to my next point: What is it about men and public bathrooms? Is their aim that bad at home as well? Seriously, people: The object is to get the stream INto the porcelain fixtures. That's why they're called URINALS, for Allah's sake!!
I'm tempted to let loose with my Sarin gas--Uh, I mean, uh, I WOULD be tempted to let loose with my Sarin gas IF I actually had any, which of course I don't, because I would never do anything sneaky like hide my forbidden weapons in baseball bats--the next time someone uses the facilities without flushing. The only problem is that the existing stench of human waste would probably overpower the Sarin.
Maybe I can bottle the air in this room and ship it to the Shiites.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:50 AM
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Uh-oh..... Baseball great Sammy Sosa was ejected from a game last night for putting cork in his bat. I just hope the American inspectors looking for my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction don't start chiecking the bats at Saddam Stadium. No telling WHAT they might find!
But it certainly wouldn't be corks.....
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:52 PM
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
If there is one person in this world I feel truly sorry for (besides myself, I mean), it is that American wench Martha Stewart. Have you heard the latest on her? As you probably know, her name came up in some insider trading scandal--whatever that means--last year. That stock was for a company call ImClone, which has had supposedly come out with some great anti-cancer drug. Then it turned out the drug wasn't that great, and their price went in the toilet. The company's President, who had no doubt been dipping his brush in Martha's paint can, tipped her off just before the stock plunged.
Well, NOW comes word that ImClone's drug DOES work against some types of cancer! But do you hear the Securities & Exchange Commission apologizing to Miss Stewart? No, of course not! But this really shouldn't surprise anyone, because the Americans NEVER apologize!! Have you heard Bush go on national TV and say, "Good evening my fellow Americans. We were wrong. May God bless Saddam Hussein. Good night." Nope. Hasn't happened. Probably won't either (and don't EVEN get me started about poor O.J.).
So I know just how hard it must be for Martha to have had her good name wrongly dragged through the mud, only to have no one care once it is cleared.
Now I know what some of you are thinking: Here's comes the part where that flirt Saddam starts hitting on Martha Stewart. Well, you would be wrong, Infidel-Breath!!! While I admire her as a take-charge type person, I do have my standards. And at 61 years old, well, she's a little past her prime. Besides, I'm soon going to have my hands full with the Dixie Chicks.
Dixie Chicks or Marth Stewart....? Dixie Chicks or Martha Stewart....? Do you really have to think about which to woo? I hope not.
This is in no way meant to disparage Miss Stewart. She is a very talented woman, and I can still make use of her talents. Allah knows my palaces are in SERIOUS need of work!!!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:08 PM
Sunday, June 01, 2003
My knowledge of English vocabulary may be somewhat limited, but I'd say "desperate" is putting it mildly.....
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:06 PM
Now Bush is claiming that yes, the United States HAS found my alleged weapons of mass destruction. His proof? Those two trailers that were supposedly used as mobile laboratories.
Firstly, I can explain those. Really. I swear. They're.... Um..... Let me get back to you on that.
Secondly, even IF they were mobile labs, was it worth invading an entire frikkin' country for TWO lousy trailers!?!? Wouldn't it have been simpler to just hire a couple of Tony Soprano's goons to hijack the damn things? But N-O-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O!!!!!!!!! Let's get 200,000 troops, 1500 tanks, half a dozen aircraft carriers, 3000 planes, dozens of Tomahawk cruise missiles, and piss off the French in the process, just so we can seize TWO TRAILERS!!!!
And the worst thing about this little miscalculation....? I get stuck for a month sitting on a urine soaked toilet seat in a stinkin' bus station!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 4:22 AM