Tuesday, September 30, 2003

And what is the deal with Dick Cheney? Perhaps those various heart medications of his are causing him to hallucinate. Or maybe he's smoking you-know-what.... For purely medicinal purposes, of course.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Cheney continues to insist I was some how connected to the 9-11 attacks. For Allah's sake, even the FBI and CIA have now discredited those accusations!! Bush himself has said I had nothing to do with it, but his credibility is so shot to hell that it doesn't help my case.....

Still, Cheney's stubborness shouldn't surprise anyone. Word on the street is that he also believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and O.J.'s innocence.

Well, well, well.... If the White House gets itself in any more hot water than it already is, it will feel like a turkish bath in that place.

Remember Joseph Wilson? He's the diplomat who discredited the reports that I had been trying to buy yellow pancake mix from Niger so I could build my own personal collection of nuclear warheads. Apparently someone in the White House got so upset that his report didn't support the Administration's invasion of my unarmed, powerless nation that they decided to leak the fact that Wilson's wife was some sort of hush-hush operative in the Central Infidel Agency. Now only was this petty act of retribution (which I admire because it's the type of thing I would do) a felony, but it potentially endangered her life, as well as the lives of her contacts.

Now this whole fiasco is being investigated by the Justice Department.

I am trying EXTREMELY hard not to bust a gut laughing, since it might give away my position.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Bush signed that controversial "Do Not Call List" bill into law today. In the process he delivered a few choice remarks directed at the telemarketers.

Don't believe for a moment that I don't realize what he's up to: He's trying to steal the very issue I was planning to use to win over the hearts and minds of the American public.

Can't say I blame him, though.... With his presidency in the toilet, and the fickle finger of history on the handle ready to flush, Bush is becoming increasingly desperate.

In fact, don't be surprised if he starts trying to avoid the press by driving around Washington in a '73 Vega.

Monday, September 29, 2003

You know, whatever differences I may have with the Bush administration--and quite frankly, some of those differences are rather significant--I remain a big fan of American popular culture, especially music.

By now all of you know that I just can't get enough of the Dixie Chicks.... And their music is okay, too.

I was a huge fan of the late Warren Zevon. Whenever his song Werewolves of London would come on WSADDAM (92.5 FM, if you're ever in Baghdad) I'd sing along to it. That part where he goes "AARROOOO!!!" was great. Beggars in the streets would scatter everytime I got to that part.

But I am especially fond of the blues, and my all-time favorite singer in that area is Ray Charles.

And while I would never pretend to know more about singing the Blues than Ray Charles, I think--and this is merely a suggestion, you understand--he should consider getting one of those newfangled Braille microphones.

I should point out that while I'm no fan of telemarketers, I also despise spammers. There is NOTHING wrong with my penis, okay? As any of the 27,354 women I've slept with will attest, I am hung like a camel. So stop sending me email telling me I'm somehow inferior. I strongly suspect that spammers send out their insulting garbage in a sad attempt to mask their OWN sexual inadequacies.

Rest assured that when I take over the United States of Saddam, I shall put a stop to the activities of both groups. And there will be no silly appeals to the courts screaming about violations of free speech, simply because there won't be any more first amendment.

I know that some of you are upset by that kind of talk. And you are the people who must make up your minds once and for all: Do you want to put a stop to intrusive telemarketing calls and garbage filled spam, or do you want that silly old Constitution of yours? Because you can't have both, you know. Besides, the stupid thing is like, what, 200 some years old? The damn ink in the original document is so faded by now, no one can read it anyway! So are you going to take the word of some judge--who isn't an elected official to begin with--about what it really says? For all you know, your Founding Fathers had an Article or Clause or paragraph in there calling for the slow, torturous deaths of anyone found guilty of telemarketing and spamming!

Oh, and if you're wondering what I plan to do with those illegible original copies of your Constitution, I plan to auction them off on eBay. We can use the proceeds to pay off the enormous debt you guys ran up invading Iraq.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Friday, September 26, 2003

I understand that the United States is an uproar over telemarketers. Apparently there is some sort of new "Do Not Call" list that 40 million infidels had signed up for, only to have a judge strike it down a few days ago. Then Congress addressed that judge's concerns, only to have a second judge strike it down again on the grounds of free speech. See, there's that Constitution thing again, causing problems.

Few people know this, but Iraq used to have a large telemarketing industry years ago. People routinely received 10, 12, sometimes 15 calls a day selling all kinds of stuff. Mostly it was for lawn care products, because if you live in a frikkin' desert and are stupid enough to have a lawn, it's going to need a LOT of maintenance. And for a while gas masks were a big seller, but I put a stop to that.

But all this didn't really bother me, because I had an unlisted number. The only people who ever called me were my top generals, Chemical Ali, my sons (may Allah rest their souls). my wives, and the Dixie Chicks.

So one day I'm sitting in the bathroom reading the paper and manufacturing weapons of massive smells, and my private hotline rings. Well, I immediately think there's an uprising somewhere, or the UN inspectors are coming, or it's a chance to get laid. Of course I leap off the seat and start running to the phone. Unfortunately my pants are still down around my ankles, and I end up tripping and falling. Smashed a coffee table and knocked over a bust of myself on the way down.

So imagine how I felt when I finally answer the damn phone and find that it was some dang idiot selling vinyl siding!!

Now why would I need vinyl siding?!? All my palaces are (or were) made of marble and polished granite. So why would I want to go slapping strips of plastic crap all over them?

I was absolutely furious. I immediately ordered the Hamurabi Division of my Republican Guard to round up all the frikkin' telemarketers and gas 'em. Then afterwards I personally shot each one. Twice.

And you know what? No one said a word. Not the US, not the UN, and not any of those pesky human rights groups. But if I had as much as yelled at a single Kurd or Shiite, those same people would have been all over me like stink on camel sh*t.

But kill 12,547 telemarketers, and no one cares.

That says something about the popularity of telemarketers, doesn't it?

----------Clay Jones, Fredericksburg Free Lance Star

Thursday, September 25, 2003

As you've probably heard by now, my beloved Dixie Chicks were almost involved in a plane crash. And the fact that it happened in Scotland, which is part of the British Empire (Empire?--Now that's funny!!!) only fuels my suspicions about this so-called "accident."

I think Bush is getting frustrated that he still hasn't caught me, so instead he's going after my supporters.

The Democrats in that Congress thing better watch what they say.

So I'm watching Fox News channel the other day....

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Fair and balanced, my camel's ass....

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

America wants to spend $9 million modernizing Iraq's postal service. I don't know if that's such a great idea....

I'm fairly familiar with the US postal system, and the last thing I want is for ours to operate the way theirs does. I can just see some disgruntled mailman wig out and start shooting Baathists.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

President Bush has finished addressing the United Nations. You gotta admit that the man has Texas-sized cajones.... First he tells the UN that he'll go it alone. Then after he gets in over his head, he goes back begging to be rescued, but only on his terms.

It's kind of like a man dying of thirst in the desert. A caravan comes across the poor wretch and offers him a bottle of Evian water.

"No, thanks," he says. "I only drink Perrier."

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Today marks the autumnal equinox, which means that the lengths of daylight and, er, nightlite are equal. This equality is in stark contrast to the uneven balance of power between the United States and Iraq. Still, one has to admire the Americans tenacity in the face of overwhelming odds.

As far as the weather is concerned, one can detect the subtle crisp scent of fall in the chill air. In fact, the high temperature was only 45 (that's 113 Fahrenheit for you lowscoring on the math portion of the SATs Americans).

Monday, September 22, 2003

In light of the ever-changing presidential field, I have updated the poll asking who you would like to see elected President next year. Consequently, I have cleared all the old poll results. The revised poll will remain up for the next week or so, at which point it will go back into rotation with the other questions.

Now I realize that some of you may consider erasing the old results somehow unfair and undemocratic. Some of you may even complain that not all the present candidates are listed. However, my poll only lists those who have a reasonable chance of winning the Democratic nomination. I mean, do you honestly believe Dennis Kucinich or Carole Mosely-Braun have a chance in hell?

While your complaints may well be legitimate, please keep in mind that I really don't give a crap what you think. Not only do your opinions NOT matter to me, but they could easily land you in prison. There you would subjected to endless days of torture, provided you're not busy cleaning my toilets, waxing my '73 Chevy Vega, or trying to take my camel's temperature.

And no, you don't need to ask what kind of thermometer you'll be using on the camel.

Have a nice day.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

That speech Bush recently delivered--the one that preempted The Simpsons--about the cost of illegal occupation of my peace-loving nation that would never harm a fly (provided the fly wasn't Kurdish, Shiite, Iranian, or Kuwaiti) was apparently not very well received by the American public. For some reason, a majority of his people are having a hard time coughing up the $87 billion.

So, uh, when are you guys going to leaving?

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Friday, September 19, 2003

I hear the United States is taking a beating from that Isabel chick. My heart bleeds for you....

Well, okay, not really. I'm actually chortling with delight.

The most amusing part of it all is that while the local governors want to call out the National Guard to aid in disaster relief, they can't: Most of the Guard troops are here in Iraq!

Tell you what, though. If you want to pull them out, go right ahead. I won't object!

No need to thank me.

Turns out that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, may not be as dumb as he looks! In an interview with an Australian radio station, the former UN arms inspector says that he believes that I truly haven't had weapons of mass destruction for the last ten years. The reason that I was so resistant to inspections, though, was that I wanted the rest of the world to THINK I still had them, so that no one would dare attack me.

A brilliant strategy, if I do say so myself, that worked out great.... Right up until March 19.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

People in the United States of Satan are apparently very terrified of this girl, Isabel. What's the big deal? As I understand it, a hurricane is nothing more than a sandstorm with water instead of sand. Admittedly an odd concept, but apparently true. Yet people in its path are fleeing!

It truly embarasses me to think that these are the same people who--quite temporarily--have removed me from power.

Why, when I was a wee lad, I used to walk 5 kilometers to school in blinding sandstorms.



Both ways.

I had a heart attack earlier and almost died. Fortunately, an American soldier passing by resuscitated me. I'm not sure, but I think he was feeling up my silicone breast implants.... Felt kinda good, too.

Anyway, it was this incredible, unbelievable piece of news that sent me into shock, my Vega off the road and into a sand dune, and the old ticker into ventricular fibrillation: Bush has finally come right out and said that I had nothing to do with the 9-11 attacks!!!!!

I had been saying this all along, but no one would listen to me! It's almost like I had some sort of credibility problem....

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

I have been arguing till I'm purple in the face (this visual clue may or may not be intended to confuse anyone who may or may not be looking for me) that dictatorships are better than democracy. Still, the Americans continue to strut around the globe, arrogantly trying to impose their standards on the rest of the world. Then something like what's going on now in California (or Florida in 2000) comes along, and the other countries of the world end up rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard they're peeing in their pants! Meanwhile, the the Americans stand there with a befuddled look on their faces, wondering what the hell the joke is!

So really, which is the better system of government? Surprisingly, an argument can be made that dictatorships are better.

I hear the Americans around Saddam, DC--I mean, WASHINGTON, DC (I was getting just a bit ahead of myself)--are all in a tizzy about that Hurricane Isabel.

Well, what a bunch of sissies!!!

Living in the middle of a desert as I do, I am not terribly familiar with those "hurricane" things. But I do know that "Isabel" is a girl's name, so how bad can anything named after a girl be?

Oh, puh-LEEZE!!!!!

If you haven't already heard, the American Warlord of State Colin Powell visited a mass grave in northern Iraq. It's bodies leftover from when I gassed the Kurds in 1988. Yeah, yeah, right. A real shame. Whatever.

Anyway, afterwards he has the audacity to cite that as proof that I once had weapons of mass destruction. Well.... DUH!!!!

First of all, this is nothing new. The whole world has known about this for the last 15 years, and no one ever said squat about it before. But NOW all of a sudden, Powell cites it as justification for their illegal and highly irregular invasion of Iraq!!! Why is he making an issue of it NOW!?!?

Because they are getting desperate, that's why. They haven't been able to find any CURRENTLY EXISTING WMD's, so now they're going to start pointing at things that happened in the last millennium. Perhaps my memory is failing, but I certainly don't seem to recall Bush saying anything about "We're going to invade Iraq because they HAD weapons of mass destruction 15 frikkin' years ago!!!" Oh, you don't remember such a speech, either?

Well, that makes two of us.

Someone needs to tell Bush and Powell to stop living in the past and join the rest of the world here in the 21st century.

----------Jean Veenenbos--Austria, The Standard

Monday, September 15, 2003

For sake of argument, and as unbelievably unlikely as it is, let's say someone turns me in and the United States actually succeeds in capturing me. There's a $25 million dollar on my head, right?

But I've already driven the US to the verge of bankruptcy. How are they going to come with the money? Borrow it from Estonia or something?

Good luck coming up with the collateral.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

Wonderful news, America!! You know that $87 billion Bush said would be needed for Iraq? Well, turns out that figure was wrong!

According to the Vice Great Satan, Dick Cheney, it's actually going to be higher than that.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Loyal reader and fervent faithful fickle follower Jeff writes: I was trying to participate in a live discussion with Salam Pax over at The Guardian (one of your main liberal support papers). Well, I got totally snubbed and my questions (num 13) weren't answered! Once again, this proves that I should submit my questions to a much more famous and accessible Iraqi. If you would honor me with your answers, Saddam.

1) 'What would you like Iraq (and more broadly the middle east) to look like in 30 years? In terms of religion, education, technology, ect. (after you retake the country that is)

2) What would you say to George W. Bush once you've imprisoned him? Positive things, negative things, and what should he change.

3) What unique characteristics of Iraqi culture will be exported to the rest of the world in the future? And what from other cultures will Iraq import?

4) Lastly, Would you mind if me (American) and a few friends came to Baghdad to have a beer with you? (This one, I will omit, as I am not worthy (and frightened))

Best Regards, Jeff '

Well, Jeff, I'm sorry you had a problem with Salam Pax. I can only assume that he did not realize you were one of my children (uh, I mean that figuratively, of course, as I have never, to the best of my recollection, even met your mother). I shall speak to him tomorrow, as he is scheduled to wash and wax my Chevy Vega.

That will be a tricky manuever. For obvious reasons, I can not afford to stop, so Salam will have to run alongside the car with his bucket, sponge, can of camel wax, and chamois cloth. We've done this a number of times before, and I haven't run over him yet, so I'm confident things will work out.

Now, as to your questions: They are all excellent, and demonstrate a high level of intellectual curiousity about what the future may hold for both Iraq, and the soon-to-be Islamic States of America. Also, you appear to be a borderline alcoholic. But your inquiries are extremely difficult, so I shall instead answer a different set of questions.

1) What is the square root of pi?

A--Obviousy a trick question, as the answer depends entirely on the type of pie you're talking about. Since apples have entirely different mathematical properties from, say, blueberries, the overall sine and cosine of the final baked product would be correspondingly effected by the tangents of the principle ingredients.

I have not survived this long by falling for cheaply disguised tricks.

2) What is the shortest distance between two jokes?

A--A "straight line."

3) Mars has been in the news a lot lately. Can you share some interesting facts about the fourth planet? Compare and contrast with the corresponding facts about Earth.


* Mars' diameter is 6750 km, or just over half of Earth's.

* Mars' average distance from the Sun is 217 km, or 1.52 AU. By definition, Earth is 1.0 AU (Astronomical Unit) from the Sun, or 149,597,870 km.

* Mars has two moons, both of which are far smaller than Earth's single moon.

* The average temperature of Mars is -63 celsius. Earth's is currently +15, but that figure rises every time I set an oil field on fire.

* Mars' atmosphere is 95.3% carbon dioxide and 2.7% nitrogen. Earth's is 21% oxygen and 78% nitrogen.

* Mars' axis is tilted 25.19 degrees in relation to the plane of the ecliptic. Earth's axis is tilted 23.45 degrees. It is actually this degree of orbital tilt which accounts for Earth's changing seasons, NOT our distance from the Sun. It is also why the length of our days changes by season.

* To date, no evidence has been found that life, however primitive, has ever existed on Mars. By contrast, Earth is teeming with biological activity. However, the presence of intelligent life on the planet is yet to be proven.

4) Many men became absolutely discombobulated over that kiss Madonna shared with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, and were reduced to quivering masses in danger of drowning in their own drool. What is it about lesbians that so fascinates men?

A--Well, I have never been a big fan of regular man/woman porn. I mean, what guy (except maybe an Episcopalian bishop) wants to look at a naked man, even if he is having sex with a woman? There's nothing on that guy that I want to see. I already have those parts, and I know how they work, so there's really nothing new there to see. That's like wasted space on my TV screen.

But watching a movie with two women, on the other hand, is like getting two for the price of one. And if the on-screen action involves THREE women, well, that's like striking gold at Costco. Talk about your quantity discounts!!

Friday, September 12, 2003

Now the Americans have killed eight Iraqi police officers by mistake.

Yeah, that's sure to further endear the infidels to my people.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Personally, I do my best thinking while sitting on a toilet. In fact, it was about 13 years ago that I had a really bad case of Allah's Revenge (never, ever drink the water in Najaf!!) and came up with the idea to invade Kuwait.

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have announced that they are postponing their wedding, supposedly because of all the media attention. That's too bad, though you would think they would be accustomed by now to that sort of thing.

That J.Lo is something else. I remember when I was married to her a few years ago, she just about wore me out! Kind of a kinky lady, too. She certainly knew how to make my mustache curl!! Especially when it came to dressing up like a cheerleader!!! I'm not sure, but I think that stuff was illegal in most of the civilized world. To be honest, however, I would have preferred if SHE had worn the cheerleader outfit.

As you've probably guessed by now, the marriage didn't last. I came home early one day from gassing the Kurds and caught her kissing Madonna.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

The price of gas in Iraq has skyrocketted. Ironic in a country with this much stinkin' oil underground, but we keep having to sabotage the pipelines so we can blame the Americans. I just hope we remember to STOP blowing our own sh*t up once the invaders finally do leave.

Anyway, it's costing me a fortune to keep gas in my Chevy Vega, what with all the constant driving around. Consequently, in an effort to raise funds, I have invented a new board game, which I hope to sell to Parker Brothers.

According to the Washington Post, 69% of Americans continue to believe I was somehow responsible for the 9-11 attacks in 2001. That is truly sad, but not surprising. After all, we're talking about the same people who think Homer Simpson is a real person and would gladly vote for him for President if his name appeared on the ballot.

And the fact that your Satan-in-Chief keeps suggesting that I was somehow connected to that plot isn't helping matters. But hey, he's desperate to justify his ongoing illegal occupation of Iraq, so I guess I can't blame him for fudging the facts just a wee bit.

But believe me when I say that wasn't me; 9-11 was all Osama. The only bad thing I've ever done on American soil was that business with O.J.'s wife a few years ago, but they never did pin that on me.

As I'm sure you're well aware, there were NO Iraqis among the hijackers. In fact, most of them were Saudis. What's more, they were led by an Egyptian. So if you Americans want to bomb someone for 9-11, go pound Saudi Arabia and Egypt!

Oh, but wait.... Saudi Arabia and Egypt are allies of the United States. I guess you can't be bombing your friends, even when they're the ones who attack you. What a crazy, mixed up world....

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Even in his speech the other night, Bush said Iraq is the new frontline of his war on terror. Well, I have to take issue with that. Yes, Al-Qaeda is moving into Iraq, but that's only because there's been a complete breakdown of central authority here. Believe me, if the United States hadn't come in and royally mucked things up, there were would be no foriegn terrorists operating here. I wouldn't put up with their self-righteous holier-than-thou attitudes. They try to shove religion down our throats, then threaten you when you resist. Kind of like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell over in America. So no, I don't particularly appreciate Osama sending his people in here. We Iraqis are perfectly capable of expelling the invading hordes ourselves, thank you very much.

What concerns me is that once the Americans do pull out, Osama is going to claim credit and want a piece of the action in return. It's kind of like after a guy spends $50 bucks on a date, he wants something in return. He doesn't want to go home empty handed.

Anyway..... If anyone ever tells you that being a power hungry dictator is easy, don't believe him. It's not. There's a helluva lot of paperwork involved.

I know just what he means. I hate telemarketers, too! And they're always selling the stupidest things.....

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

You know what one of my favorite movies is? Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I really can't explain why, especially since it's about unwashed infidels spreading Christianity. But I'm Saddam Hussein, so it's not like I have to explain myself to you. I like the movie; accept that I like the movie; deal with the fact that I like the movie. If this is still a problem, I suggest you get a job parking cars at the new UN headquarters in Baghdad.

Anyway, there's this one scene where King Arthur confronts a knight dressed in black guarding a bridge. There's a dramatic sword fight, and the King chops off one of the knight's arms. Blood spurts from the severed stump.

The knight refuses to concede defeat.

The sword fight resumes, with more fancy moves and dramatic music. Finally, the king severes one of the knight's legs.

Now hopping around on one leg, with one arm lying on the ground, the knight refuses to concede defeat.

More sword fighting ensues, until Arthur chops off the remaing arm.

Still the knight refuses to concede defeat. He continues to taunt King Arthur, who might add is exhibitting remarkable patience by now bringing out his weapons of mass destruction.

For some reason, I feel like I'm King Arthur.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Monday, September 08, 2003

Originally, Bush was supposed to announce the surrender of the United States, and that he was going into exile in France. However, that deal fell apart a few hours ago when the stupid frogs said they didn't want him. Subsequent appeals to Germany, Canada, and Russia also were also met with loud guffaws and knee slapping. So in the end, Bush had no choice but to come up with some noble sounding crap about "freedom and democracy and a better way of life for the Iraqi people." Apparently this better way of life is one without elctricity.

Oh, and by the way, there's also an $87 billion price tag attached as well.

So I guess my conquest of America will be on hold for just a little bit longer.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Had an absolutely horrible nightmare last night.... Dreamt that I had almost successfully taken over the United States, except that I couldn't find Bush. Oh, we were getting plenty of tips from Hollywood types and Democrats--you know, the typical un-American crowd. But by the time we would actually get to the suspected hideout, all we'd find is a pile of empty beer cans, meaning either George W. or his daughters had just been there. On one raid, we even found a pile of freshly discarded EKG printouts, so we knew we had just missed Cheney.

And it went on like this for years and years.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Are the people at blogger.com worthless, or what? Apparently I am able to post, but no one can actually access my site to view what I have written. And I have checked the blogspots of my many loyal followers who linked to me, and they are having the same problem. Since it is not just MY site, but apparently everyone else hosted on blogspot, it would seem to rule out some nefarious plot by the CIA to silence me. Either that, or all the people who have linked to me have been silenced as well.

Rest assured that after Bush capitulates and turns power over to me tomorrow night, I will find the blogger people and put a stop to this nonsense!

President Bush is supposed to address his subjects this Sunday night. He will be announcing the surrender of the United States.

Guess I better start picking out new furniture for the White House.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal_Constitution

You'll never guess who I just bumped into.... Donald Rumsfeld!! That's right, the American Secretary of Unlawful Occupations of Innocent Peace Loving Nations himself. Right here in Tikrit!!

I had gone out to a nearby Starbucks--or what's left of it--to get my usual venti vanilla latte when I thought the guy in front of looked familiar: Flared nostrils with smoke pouring from them, pointy ears, horns, sharp tail, and a pitchfork. Just like in those press briefings!

So we started talking about the weather, sports, ongoing acts of sabotage, Britney Spears' clothing shortage, etc..... Then he reminded me that "there's a $25 million reward for Saddam's capture." That's when I realized he didn't recognize me!! Is that hilarious, or what? I don't know if it was all this mascara I'm wearing, or the wig, or the silicone breast implants, but he had NO idea how close he was to becoming a rich man.

I thanked him for "liberating us" (while trying really hard not to laugh), and then we parted ways. Oh, and when no one was looking.... I taped a piece of paper that says "Kick me--I'm an infidel" to his back.

Heard him yelling "OUCH!! OUCH!!" as I drove off in my '73 Vega.

I'm okay now, but I passed out earlier. Actually, I've been uncocscious for most of the last 24 hours.

I had gotten up early yesterday to watch that NFL Kickoff concert. It sounded like it was going to pretty good, and the American Armed Forces Network was broadcasting to the illegal invaders occupying Iraq. I tap into their signal all the time.

Anyway, I took one look at that outfit Britney Spears was wearing and my massive weapon of pleasure immediately went into launch mode. It happened very quickly, and the sudden rush of blood out of my head caused me to pass out. Think my head hit my RPG launcher on the way down. There's a big dent in it.

In the launcher, I mean.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

For the life of me, I will never understand American football. It's just too much like American foreign policy.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Remember how I said all these different "special edition" DVD movies are nothing more than a scam to get our money? Well, guess what? Those seven versions of the different Star Wars box sets we've accumulated over the years are going to be obsolete by the end of the decade! That's right: All those CD's and DVD's are going to be replaced by virtual downloads and streaming videos.

Of course, this will only apply to people with high-speed internet connections. Those of you still stuck with AOL in 2010 are just going to be out of luck.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Anyone who STILL doesn't believe that I'm getting a raw deal needs to read this, then be taken out back and tortured.

It seems that the United States army is destroying its stockpiles of sarin!! Excuse me? What is the United States doing with frikkin' sarin in the first frikkin' place!?! If I had suddenly announced last fall that I was destroying MY (non-existent, of course) sarin, Bush would have been all over me like flies on camel crap!!! He would have gone on worldwide TV screaming, "LOOK!!! LOOK!!! HE HAD SARIN!!!! SEE??? SEE???I TOLD YOU SO!!!!"

And now it turns out he had the stuff all along, too! Talk about your basic double standards!!

And I don't even want to think about how he's letting it all go to waste by burning it....

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

This is terrible news, and a truly horrible development.... If you're George Bush, that is!!!!

Now Abdel-Aziz al-Hakim, the brother of the Shiite cleric, is calling on the Americans to end the occupation. And the kicker is, he's a member of the puppet ruling council which was appointed by the Americans in the first place!!!

Imagine that.... Me, agreeing with a Shiite.... Is this what the world has come to?

Excuse me while I go heave my guts.

Monday, September 01, 2003

I understand that in America people are always seeing Elvis somewhere. Well, it's the same here, especially in Mosul. People there are always seeing me. And that's a good thing, because it keeps them on their toes, and serves as a reminder as to who's STILL in charge. Strange, however, that no one has reported seeing me driving around in my '73 Vega....

Oh, and happy Labor Day, America. I'll be sure to give your guys in Iraq plenty to do for the next couple of years.

I was bored last night, so I decided to watch something scary. Thought about The Exorcist, but that sounded much too Christian for my taste. Considered the original Friday the 13th, but I get bored watching other homicidal maniacs strut their stuff. Besides, I end up yelling at the screen, trying to correct their technique. So finally I settled on something TRULY terrifying: The Fox News Channel.

Those people at Fox really are a bunch of psycho warmongers. After I conquer the United States and decide which of my puny neighbors to invade--could be Canada, could be Mexico--I'll put the people at Fox in charge of building public opinion against whichever I decide is the enemy.

Anyway, they had some "talking heads" program on. Now I must admit, I find this whole concept of talking heads interesting. I mean, I've personally lopped off several hundred heads in my time, but I've never had any of them converse with me afterwards, much less tell me what I should be thinking.

Then one of the heads raised the question, "Is the United States' plan for rebuilding Iraq off track?" Then all the different heads got into this debate on the matter.

Well, I admit to be quite confused. What is there to debate? From where I'm sitting, and from where my 35 million fellow countrymen are sitting, it appears that the United States NEVER had ANY sort of plan for rebuilding Iraq. Apparently they assumed some sort of spantaneous regeneration would take place, with electric grids magically coming back online on their own, water filtration facilities functioning on their own, and the Iraqi people dancing with joy in the streets.

Well, okay, so there was SOME dancing, but only a teeny-tiny little bit.... But that stopped once the people got home, flicked on the light switch, and nothing happened.

And never mind that the rest of the world told Bush NOT to invade; he and Cheney and Rumsfeld were dead set on it, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop them. And why? What did I ever do to deserve such hatred from Bush? Well, okay, there was that little incident where I tried to kill his old man, but jeez, that was like ten years ago. Get over it, for crying out loud!!!

So now Bush is stuck in a situation he can't possibly win. And the funniest part is that now he's asking all the other countries who told him NOT to come in here to begin with, for help in getting out!!

Yeah, right. That'll work.

----------Walt Handelsman, Journal News