Saturday, July 31, 2004

Have you seen that music video of John Kerry and George Bush singing "This Land Is Your Land?" Well, if you haven't, you must be living under a rock. Not that there's anything wrong that. I lived under Iraq for a while, and it wasn't too bad. A little cramped, perhaps, whenever the Dixie Chicks came over, but that's what made their visits all the more interesting.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Friday, July 30, 2004

A number of you have expressed concern about the condition of my prostate. First of all, let me say that I am touched that you worry about me so. Secondly, let me say that if you go anywhere near my prostate, I will personally rip your heart out of your thoracic cavity and feed it to these rats that keep scampering around my cell.

A man's prostate is a highly personal--and EXTREMELY private--organ. It basically goes to the heart of our masculinity, so don't expect us to be dropping trou and bending over for every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along.

I remember years ago when I first went in for a physical. I had never had one, so of course I had no idea what to expect. So the doctor eventually got to the point where he asked my to bend over. Well, as I said, I had no idea what was going on, so did as requested. The next thing I know, he's probing the planet next to Saturn, except it wasn't Uranus, it was MINE!!! Needless to say, I shot the doctor right there in the examining room.

So the next day I went back to finish the physical with a different doctor, and sure enough, the same thing happened. Well, this went on for several more cycles, until by the end of the week when I was almost out of bullets--and doctors.

Fortunately that was when I encountered Dr. Habib, who went to great lengths to explain everything he was doing, and precisely what was involved along the way. I was greatly appreciative of his compassion and candor, and felt totally comfortable as he completed his exam.

Then I shot the sorry son of a bitch.

In an amazing discovery, scientists have found a new species of worm living 9000 feet below the surface of the ocean. They live off the bones of dead whales, and range in size from an inch to just over two inches. Think about that for a moment: They were able to find something only slightly bigger than Bill O'Reilly's penis almost two kilometers underwater!!

And yet no one can find a single WMD in Iraq!!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

By now I'm sure all of you have have had a chance to look through the 9/11 Commission's report and convince yourselves of my innocence, regardless of what the fools on Fox News may say.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

The report concluded that while there was NO operational relationship between Iraq and Al Qaeda, there were plenty of links between Iran and the terror group.

Attention President Bush: Note the difference in spelling between Iraq and Iran. Please make a note to yourself to doublecheck for spelling errors the next time you're thinking about invading someone.
---Love, Saddam

Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat with you people, but I need to go get some sleep. My cellblock is going for the world record in "Naked Human Pyramid Building" later this morning.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Longtime readers will remember that I have addressed the issue of how George Lucas continues to destroy the Star Wars franchise with those ill conceived sequels of his. Unfortunately, I am currently in no position to do anything about it, except to say that if he screws up the next one, his testicles will be mine.

Um, I mean that in a totally non-sexual way, of course. I don't play both sides of the sand dune, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, it has just been announced that the title of the sixth movie, which is actually only the third movie in the six movie trilogy, will be Revenge of the Sith.

As I recall, the original title for "Return of the Jedi" was "Revenge of the Jedi." However, fans objected, pointing out that the Jedi are a bunch of pansies who would never fall for such a base emotion as revenge. Consequently, the title was changed.

So I find it interesting that Lucas would come up with something like "Revenge of the Sith." On the other hand, I suppose it can be argued that the Sith, since they have already joined the Dark Side, are susceptible to such petty temptations as vengeance. Plus, the Dark Side is believed to posses powerful weapons of mass destruction, and it's up to the Jedi to prevent their use.

Yeah, right. And those stupid Jedi probably also believe they'll be greeted as liberators.


Previous Star Wars related entries: August 21, 2003 (Entry 1); August 21 (Entry 2); August 27; September 4.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Now don't go getting the wrong idea about me, because I still don't give a camel's ass what you people think, okay? That's why I'm a dictator. We dictate. When we dictators say "jump," you worthless subjects say "How high?" Understand? Dictators dictate, hence the term "dictator."

I bring up the obvious only because I have added a new poll. It's on left side of your monitor, and it is strictly there for your own personal amusement while you surf the net looking for new and interesting porn sites. The results of this poll will in no way influence the policies and/or decisions of any future Saddam Hussein run government.

Now pull your pants back up and take the poll.

A supplier of chickens to KFC, which is a chain of restaurants serving fried chicken in America, has been accused of killing the birds by stomping on them, throwing them against walls, and kicking them. The story was exposed through a hidden camera snuck into the plant by PETA.

If true, this is horrible news and those responsible should be severely punished. While I am no vegetarian, mainly because vegetables don't grow very well in the middle of a frikkin' desert, I nonetheless feel that the animals we use for food should be killed in a swift, humane manner. Needlessly prolonging the killing process, and senselessly beating them to death in a long drawn out process for one's own personal amusement is not only morally reprehensible, but beyond any possible excuse. It is certainly no way to treat precious livestock.

I mean, it's not like they're Shiites.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Hey, wait a minute!! Aren't they asking the wrong guy that question!?!

---------------Chan Lowe, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Now I'm no detective, though I did once play one on Iraqi TV. There was initially some debate about that, but after I executed the first three program directors, the matter was pretty well settled in my favor.

Anyway, I'm predicting that the husband did it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Did you hear what happened to Linda Ronstadt in Vegas? During her concert at the Aladdin Hotel she called Michael Moore a great American patriot, and urged audience members to go see Fahrenheit 9/11. However, the crowd didn't seem to take too kindly to her suggestion. They not only booed her remarks, but they began ripping posters off the walls, throwing cocktails into the air, and performing human sacrifices.

There is nothing scarier than rioting Republicans.

Well, except maybe a heavily armed horde of 120,000 infidels pouring across your borders, but that's besides the point.

---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Have you heard the latest? Iran aided the 9/11 hijackers!! Oh, there's no evidence just yet that the Iranians were directly involved in the planning and execution of the attacks, BUT they did give free passage to the participants as they traveled in and out of Afghanistan.

So I ask you once again, my dear readers, why it's MY country that's being occupied, why it's MY people that are having freedom and democracy shoved down their throats, and why I'M the one who's sitting in a stinkin' jail cell!?!?!

Wait.... I know what happened! Bush can't spell!!!! That's it!!!! Someone gave him a memo or something saying Iran was involved, and he thought it said Iraq!!! So he sent his army after poor little ol' me while those Shiite Ayotollahs across the border were laughing their asses off!!!

That's why I never really had a serious problem with Clinton. The man was a Rhodes Scholar, and he knew how to operate a dictionary. But then Bush come in, whose idea of a major literary work is "My Pet Goat," and suddenly I'm getting blamed for everything that goes wrong in this crazy mixed up world of ours.

Anyway, I have it on good authority that Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are already conferring with one another about invading Iran.

Cheney's the bald one in the middle.

Archeologists in Crete have uncovered 50 ancient tombs, possibly as old as 1400 years. This is in addition to a hundred other graves found earlier.

How much do you want to bet Bush is going to try to pin those on me as well?

Saturday, July 17, 2004

I just hope Jack and Rose are okay.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

You know how Bush is always saying that the invasion of my peace loving nation, which would never have harmed a fly (Well, okay, except Kuwait.... And the Iranians, but that's it.... Oh, right, and there were those Scuds we launched against Israel in '91, but that's REALLY it....Saudi Arabia? Oh, yeah, I guess we did fire a few Scuds at them too. But that's absolutely, positively it.... No, no, it's not fair to bring up the Kurds and Shiites.... Sure, I gassed them, but that was an internal domestic matter.... Besides, Kurds and Shiites are below flies on the evolutionary ladder, so they don't really count).... Um, now what the hell was I saying...?

Oh, right. Bush has repeatedly said that invading Iraq has made the world a safer place and created a more stable Middle East.

Well, obviously the man has a fertile imagination. Almost as fertile as the Fertile Crescent, which used to lie between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers until I built damns upstream and turned the whole area into a frikkin' desert. But again, that was an internal domestic matter intended to kill off the Marsh Arabs.

But it turns out all those foreign fighters that poured across my unsecured borders--unsecured because a certain American President who shall remain nameless didn't invade with enough troops--are now returning home to Saudi Arabia as hardened war veterans. And guess what? They're forming an underground army to launch attacks against the Saudi government! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

As Mr. Bush has learned, irony can be a painful puppy when it sneaks up and bites you in the ass.

Friday, July 16, 2004

So Martha Stewart got five months in prison for stock fraud.

They better not try sticking her in here. I absolutely refuse to use doilies.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

I always look sharp! Just because one has been invaded, stripped of his power, and unjustly arrested by an unlawful occupying infidel force is no reason to let his appearance go to hell.

Both the Democrats and Republicans are allowing a limited number of bloggers to cover their conventions this summer. In deciding which bloggers will be invited to join the select few, officials from both parties will look at the size of the blog's audience and the "professionalism" of the site.

That certainly sounds fair enough.

So where's my invitation?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Have you been following this Ken Jennings fellow on Jeopardy!? He's the guy who's on the verge of becoming the show's first million dollar winner.

This has given me an idea: As you probably realize, my legal defense is going to cost a fortune.... Assuming, of course, the judge doesn't chicken out and dismiss the case. Wouldn't it be a hoot if he did, though? And Bush wouldn't be able to do anything about it since Iraq is now a sovereign country!

He'd probably end up choking on a pretzel if that happened. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

But I digress.... My point is that I should go on Jeopardy! and win money to fund my defense! How hard can it be? After all, that infidel fool Alex Trebeck gives you the damn answers at the beginning of each question. What the hell kind of stupid show is that!?!?

And even if I were to somehow fall behind, big deal! I'll just shoot the other contestants!

Now let me get this straight: People want to see me executed because I killed a bunch of Kurds, gassed loads of Shiites, and was just an all around mean person. Yet in Australia there are people calling for mercy for a killer shark!?!?! Their argument, certainly logical on its surface, is that the shark was only doing what comes naturally to sharks!

Well, duh!! I think everyone can agree that I was--and will be again--a ruthless, bloodthirsty tyrant. And killing innocents by the thousands is what comes naturally to ruthless bloodthirsty tyrants!

Is this a f*cked up world, or what?

Sunday, July 11, 2004

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

Saturday, July 10, 2004

By now I'm sure you've all heard of that Senate report which lists the Central Infidel Agency's blunders which led to the invasion of Iraq. Basically it accuses the CIA of "group think," and automatically working from the assumption that I had weapons of mass destruction. Rest assured that the next time I'm in court, I'm going to dramatically wave a copy of the report over my head, introduce it as "Defense Exhibit A," and slam it down on the table in front of the prosecutors.

Then I'll move for a mistrial.

---------------KAL, Baltimore Sun

What puzzles me about this latest indictment of the Bush Administration's policies is that many pundits are arguing about who the report hurts the most, the CIA or the President!

Uh, hello? There are currently 120,000 foreign troops in my country, more innocent Iraqis have died in the last 15 months than I ever killed in a single day, I'm sitting in a stinkin' jail cell without a gold toilet seat, and people want to argue who the CIA's incompetence hurt the most!?!?!

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Personally I don't think that's anything to brag about....

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

A number of people have noted that I was quite defiant at my court appearance last week, like that is somehow surprising. Well, what did they expect? For me to break down on the stand, apologize for my past actions, and beg for forgiveness? And then maybe give some Shiite a manly hug?

Yeah, right.

This ain't Hollywood, pal. You're not going to catch anyone in the Middle East getting "in touch with their feelings." And we certainly aren't going to be hugging each other in raw displays of emotion.... Unless, of course, it's part of a clever ruse to stab your enemy in the back.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

So of course I was defiant in court! And I'll bet every one of you out there would be the same way if someone came along and tried to take what was rightfully yours.

Now I realize that some of you losers may not actually have your own countries which you rule with an iron hand, so let me put this in terms you can understand.

Let's say you wake up in the middle of the night, and you hear a strange noise downstairs. Perhaps it's glass breaking, or someone lifting the patio door off its tracks. Then you hear people rifling through your silverware drawers, or tearing your home entertainment center apart, or knocking over your collection of 5000 year old mesopotamian funeral urns. What are you going to do it? Hide under your sheets? Well, actually yeah, you probably would, you pathetic little infidel wimp.

But those of you with cajones would get up, grab a baseball bat, and head down the steps to see what the hell was going on. And when you see a couple of masked guys helping themselves to your valuables, your stereo components, and your collection of porn DVD's, you're going to take that baseball bat and start kicking some serious ass. Am I right, or am I right? Your only interest is going to be to hold on to the property you have rightfully plundered from Kuwait.

And you're not going to care that the burglars are George Bush and Dick Cheney.

Monday, July 05, 2004

I understand America always celebrates its independence with fireworks. Well, that's all fine and well by me.

But I do have to object when those fireworks propagate unfair stereotypes to further support the criminal invasion of my country. I speak, of course, of these Exploding Terrorists Heads brand pyrotechnics. They are absolutely outrageous!!!

Now if the Americans want to blow up Moammar, that's fine. He's long supported terrorists, and he has all but admitted to be responsible for the loss of Pan Am 103. Just be sure to leave his daughter out of this, as she's one of my lawyers.

Yasser Arafat? Oh, absolutely! Big time backer of terrorists! Blow him up, too!

Bin Laden? Hell, if you look up the word "terrorist" in the dictionary, his picture is right there next to the word. He is like the "uber terrorist." So yeah, blow him up all you like.

But me? How many times do I have to tell you people I'm NOT a frikkin' terrorist!!! And I don't have any "working relationships" with Al Qaeda!!! So leave me out of it! And will someone PLEASE tell Dick Cheney, too.

Now if you want to create an "Exploding Despots Heads" package of fireworks, fine, knock yourselves out. I have no objection to that, for it would be an accurate representation of my lifestyle. Or an "Exploding Tyrants Heads" line of sparklers would be fine, too. Or even an "Exploding Boodthirsty Ruthless Tyrants Who Slaughter Their Own People Heads" six pack of bottle rockets would be acceptable.

Just keep in mind that I'm registering these brand names and you'll owe me royalties.

Good news. Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has a daughter who is a law professor, and she is joining my legal team. Actually, Aicha Moammar Gadhafi be heading up an entire team of Libyan legal experts. So I'm feeling pretty good about my prospects.

Besides, I've been working on my legal strategy myself. No, no. No silly law books for me. I don't need to waste my time reading up on obscure international treaties and statutes forbidding genocide and the slaughter of defenseless civilians.

You see, back in the '80s, when the United States and I were all lovey-dovey, their state department used to send me tapes of my favorite infidel TV shows. And among those was LA Law. Why, I'll bet I've seen each episode a dozen times! And that's in addition to watching the satellite feeds of the O.J. Simpson trial.

My point is that I'm very familiar with American rules of evidence, and the whole concept of illegal search and seizure. Such technicalities get entire cases thrown out of court regardless of whatever the evidence itself is. In other words, if the evidence was obtained improperly, or without the proper search warrants, you get to walk away!

Yeah, it's f*cked up, ain't it?

Anyway, let's look at the particulars of my situation. The invasion of my sovereign nation was based on three main points: One, I had vast quantities of weapons of mass destruction. Two, I had ties to Al Qaeda and was somehow involved in 9-11. Three, I was an imminent threat to the United States. And it was that invasion, justified by those three points, that led to my arrest.

However, it turns out that: One, I no longer had any WMD's. Two, I had no ties to Al Qaeda. Indeed, there were no frikkin' terrorists in Iraq till the Unites States invaded with insufficient troops to properly secure my borders. And three, what imminent threat? Even if it had turned out I had big, mean, nasty WMD's, how would I have delivered them to the United States? By FedEx? UPS? Paper airplanes? What? My Air Force was buried out in the desert, remember?

Therefore, with the reasons for my invasion being unfounded, it goes without saying that it was illegally conducted, and that I have been wrongly detained for the last seven months!!

(Sniff! Sniff!) I smell a lawsuit for wrongful arrest.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Did you see me in court today? Did I look good, or what? Quite a few people commented that I looked like I had lost weight, but that shouldn't have surprised anyone. Prison food is almost as bad as hospital food. Besides, all that constant climbing up into the ceiling and crawling back and forth to the general's office keeps me in pretty good shape.

I was up late working on my statement. Did you like the part where I said Bush was the criminal? HA!! I guess the foot's on the other shoe now, isn't it!?! Just wait till I call Bush to the stand!! Without Cheney in the room!!!!!

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

I was surprised to see that fat f*ck Ahmed Chalabi in the courtroom. As many of you may recall, he's the one who fed the United States all that "intelligence" about my weapons of mass destruction. And apparently no one in the US thought to wonder how a guy who hadn't lived in Iraq for 40 years was getting all this information.

Then last month Chalabi was caught supplying the Iranians with secrets about the Americans. I thought he would have been locked up for that, but I guess not.

Anyway, when I came down from the stand, Chalabi's back was turned, so I grabbed his briefcase. No one saw me slip it down the front of my pants, and I was able to bring it back with me to my cell where I pried it open.

I was hoping to find all sorts of top secret stuff about the case against me, or maybe more evidence that Chalabi was feeding the Iranians intelligence. Then I could have used that to force a plea bargain.

Instead I found something like 500 Snickers bars, and a bunch of women's underwear! And I'm pretty sure they're his women's underwear, because the things are the size of parachutes. And that's really not all that surprising when you look at that pile of Snickers.

Anyway, I ended up negotiating a sweet deal with my guards and traded the candy bars for one of those combo TV/VCR things! Of course, I didn't mention the part where they were in a briefcase next to women's underwear worn by a 300 pound male member of the Governing Council.

The TV, unfortunately, is only a small portable, and it's not even HDTV, but I'll worry about that at my next court appearance.

In the meantime, I'm going back to my cell to watch my favorite show, Terrorist Eye for the Infidel Guy.

Not that I have any links to them, of course....

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Well, i better get back to my cell and get some sleep. I've got court tomorrow.

Those bastards will probably make me take a shower first.


---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon-Journal