Friday, December 31, 2004
One of the major Sunni parties has announced that it is pulling out of next month's elections because it's too dangerous for the candidates. This, of course, only serves to further call into question the legitimacy of any future election results. The Sunnis will refuse to accept rule by a Shiite majority government, and the Shiites will argue that it's not their fault the Sunnis pulled out. The arguments will go back and forth, getting louder with each change, until a car bomb goes off and shuts everyone up.
And now even Bin Laden is getting involved, a move I'm not too thrilled about. Cheney's only going to take advantage of Binny's latest tape as proof that he and I had serious ties. That, of course, is utter nonsense. As I've said many times before, bin Laden's a self-righteous prick who's always trying to appease Allah. "I love you Allah," he's always saying. "I'm going to serve you gloriously by having someone other than me martyr themselves for you." Yeah, yeah. Put a sock in it, Osama.
My only concerns, on the other hand, are consolidating power, increasing my collection of gold toilets, maintaining the desire to wish to eventually possibly acquire weapons of mass destruction sometime in the distant future, and getting laid.
What could be more noble than that?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:34 AM
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Disturbing news out of New York.... It seems my ex wife Liza Minelli has been hospitalized after falling out of bed.
What? You didn't know I had been married to her? Oh, sure! The marriage broke up when she caught me in bed with the Dixie Chicks.... All three of them.... Simultaneously.
Liza could be a fun person when sober, but she could turn meaner than a rabid scorpion when she drank too much. You know her most recent husband, David Gest, complained that she used to beat him? People laughed, but that's no joke.
There was many a time that I would come home after a long day of gassing the Kurds only to discover that Liza had been in the liquor cabinet again. Then we would start arguing about something, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life down the street in my underwear, screaming for the Republican Guard to calm her down!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
According to Isaiah Wilson III, the United States invaded me without any kind of formal plan for "stabilizing and occupying" my country. And it's this initial failure that continues to cause problems for the Americans in their efforts to rebuild Iraq. He goes on to characterize the U.S. military's performance here as "mediocre," explaining that they have failed to properly adapt to the current situation.
Now I know what some of you are saying: "Who is this Wilson guy? Is he one of Michael Moore's buddies? Another loudmouth fan of the Dixie Chicks? Who is this liberal know-it-all who dares criticize the leadership of America!?!"
Well, I'm not sure if he knows the esteemed Mr. Moore, or what Wilson's musical tastes may be. Perhaps he likes the Dixie Chicks, or maybe he's more of a Lynard Skynard type of guy. Who knows? Who even cares?
I can tell you that Mr. Wilson is a major in the United States army, and in the spring of 2003 he was part of the Army's Operation Iraqi Freedom Study Group. Then from July of last year to this past April he was chief war planner for the 101st Airborne Division. Next year he will be teaching at West Point.
I'd say that gives the man some credibility, wouldn't you?
Saturday, December 25, 2004
American Secretary of Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld was in Iraq today for a surprise visit. This really shouldn't surprise anyone. The way things have been going for him lately, he probably felt safer here than back in Washington!
In fact, the latest Republican Senator to question his competence was Trent Lott. That's significant because Lott is from Mississippi, which has a lot of defense related industry. Lott would therefore be risking retaliation from Rumsfeld unless, of course, he feels that the Secretary's days are numbered.
And I'm guessing Rumsfeld's Humvee just happened to be heavily armored....
In other news, an American company that had been rebuilding bridges has announced it is pulling out because Iraq is too dangerous for its people. The company, Contrack International, didn't have that many employees here, so in and of itself it's not a big deal. However, it will be interesting to see if anyone else decides to bail out now that someone else has become the first to go.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Thursday, December 23, 2004
On a Serious Note....
Jeremy Redmon is a reporter with the Richmond Times-Dispatch and is embedded with the 276th Engineer Battalion, based in Richmond, VA. The 276th is one of the units which lost troops in the Mosul attack yesterday. Redmon has prepared a firsthand account of the blast and its immediate aftermath.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:41 AM
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
If I still had the authority to do such things, I would give that interim Prime Minister guy a couple of medals. What's his name? Right, Ayad Allawi,
First, I'd give him some sort of award for still being alive. Quite frankly, I'm surprised he's made this far! It's a good thing I'm not a betting man, because I would have lost a bundle on that wager!
The second award would be something along the lines of "The Medal for Virtuous Service While Pointing Out The F*cking Obvious." That would be in recognition of his recent observation that the insurgents are trying to incite a civil war.
Well, DUH!!!! This guy is every bit as sharp as a pile of camel crap molded into the shape of bowling ball! No wonder the Bush Administration likes him! He fits right in with the rest of them!
Quite frankly, any sane (which rules out Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld) observer can readily see that the civil war is already here. You've got Iraqis killing Iraqis left and right. Just the other day, over 60 died in a series of carbombings. Plus, you had the three election workers that were dragged out of their car yesterday and killed in the middle of a highway. That's the sort of thing that usually only happens in Florida!
The carbombings took place deep in Shiite territory, and were undoubtedly the work of Sunnis. It's only a matter of time before the Shiites decide enough is enough and strike back.
Kind of makes one long for the good old days when all Iraqis had to worry about about political prisons and torture chambers.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 5:08 AM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Friday, December 17, 2004
An American General says that the Iraqi insurgency is growing "more effective."
We'll take that as a compliment.
And another defense department official says that the American vehicles should be fully armored by next summer. Next summer!?!?! Well, that's nice. By then they'll only have had more than two frikkin' years to work on it. "This isn't Wal-Mart," he said, in some sort of attempt to justify the long time frame.
Well, that's certainly true. Wal-Mart would have had it finished by LAST summer.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:35 AM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Bush has honored three of the top architects of the unlawful invasion of my peace loving nation with so-called Medals of Freedom.
The first one, General Tommy Franks, I have no problem with. He was the top military commander in charge of the aforementioned unlawful invasion, and he did a brilliant job. Yes, even I was impressed! Of course, things went to crap for the United States right about the time the President declared an end to "major combat operations," but that was more Rumsfeld's fault.
The second name, Paul Bremer, is a somewhat surprising choice. He was the civilian administrator of the occupation until this past June, and what, exactly, did he accomplish? Nothing, really. Sure, he tried to rebuild Iraq, but the insurgents kept blowing everything up again. And a couple of months ago he finally came out and said that the United States should have had more troops on the ground from day one. You would think such candor would have disqualified him.
But the final choice, George Tenet, is the one that really burns the hair on my tuckus. He was the director of the Central Infidel Agency during the planning of the invasion. He's also the one who personally assured President Bush that finding WMD's in my country was a "slam dunk."
Slam dunk, hell. Not only did he miss the basket, he was outside dribbling the basketball across the frikkin' football field!!
That's on top of completely blowing the intelligence on Osama's planned 9/11 attacks! If anything, the man should have been fired for his incompetence. But instead Bush honors this guy with a medal!?!?!
By the way, have you seen the reports that I planned this insurgency even before the United States launched its invasion? Pretty impressive, eh?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:59 AM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Uh-oh.... It looks like my favorite idiot, Donald Rumsfeld, may be in trouble. An important senator, John McCain, has announced that he has "no confidence" in the infidel Secretary of Defense. Now if it were a Democrat saying that, no one would care. That sort of talk can be expected from the opposition party.
But McCain is a Republican just like President Bush, and a respected leader among his colleagues. If McCain has said this, you can bet that other Republicans will soon be speaking out against Rummy as well. It's only a matter of time until some other important member of the party calls for his resignation.
Of course Bush will continue to insist that Rumsfeld still has his full support. That's how it always works in Washington. The President ALWAYS supports you, even as he drives the dagger into your back and twists the blade.
My prediction is that Rumsfeld will be offering his resignation before January 1.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:12 PM
Monday, December 13, 2004
Gosh, has it really been a year since my capture!?! Time really does fly when you're having fun.
To mark the occasion, my captors bought me a cake with candles. I thought it was quite thoughtful and sweet of them. If that surprises you, it really shouldn't. Most of the guards are relieved to be assigned here, instead of patrolling some Allahforsaken corner of Iraq. And I can't say I blame them! It's crazy out there!
I've heard that some of my underlings are on a hunger strike. Well, that's fine by me. I get more to eat that way. Personally though, I've never understood the point of hunger strikes. In fact, lack of adequate nutrition was standard policy in my prisons when I was running things, and on the rare occasions when the inmates did get food, they were so ecstatic, they'd be crawling over one another's bodies trying to get to the crumbs. In fact, on of my favorite gags was to tie a steak to a string and toss into a cell. Then, just as someone would get close and reach out to grab it, I'd yank it away!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Ah, those were the good old days....
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 10:21 PM
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Friday, December 10, 2004
Rumsfeld's comment during that question and answer session yesterday has stirred up quite a controversy. A number of Democrats in congress are saying he should resign. Then again, since they're Democrats, no one's paying attention to them anyway.
But the more interesting development in this story is the news that the soldier's question about armor was actually planted by a reporter!
Quite frankly, this controversy has me concerned. You see, I want to see Rummy remain as Secretary of Defense. Are you surprised? Well, you shouldn't be.
My greatest fear in the world is that he might be replaced by someone competent.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 5:49 AM
Thursday, December 09, 2004
I have never been one for awards or other methods of special recognition. My philosophy has always been you do your job, and you get to live. If you don't do your job, I shoot you. Beyond that, there's really no need for plaques or trophies.
However, even I have to admit that Spc. Thomas Wilson of the United States Army deserves a "Balls of Steel" medal for the question he put forth to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld earlier. He's the soldier who, during a question and answer session with Rummy, asked, "Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles?"
Indeed, an excellent question. I mean, that's the type of thing MY army used to have to do. You would certainly expect the richest country on Earth to be above that sort of desperate behvior.
And Rummy's answer? He said, "You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have."
Well, I would have to disagree with that. If you go to war out of necessity, such as right after the attack on Pearl Harbor, then yes, you go to war with the army you have. It's an admission of desperation, but you do what has to be done with what you have.
The war with Iraq, however, was not one of necessity, but rather a war of choice. As such, the American leaders should have made damn sure they were fully prepared.
They didn't, and now the soldiers in the field are the ones paying the price.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:39 AM
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Friday, December 03, 2004
Here's an interesting article I stumbled across. It talks about the seemingly low body count for the Americans compared to other wars they have fought. For example, 1200 dead in Iraq doesn't seem that bad when compared to the 56,000 lost in Vietnam. One can also look at the average of two dead a day in the current conflict, and compare that to the average of 15 deaths a day in Vietnam, or even the 300 a day during World War II.
But then the author starts looking at the totals in different ways. For example, body armor is now widely used, medical procedures have advanced to a remarkable degree, and the seriously wounded are now routinely medivaced to field hospitals.
The bottom line is that when you compensate for these factors, as well as some others, the current Iraqi War is every bit as intense as Vietnam, and the overall casualty rate is not much lower than during WWII.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 5:12 AM
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Those of you who visited the site over the last 15 hours or so probably noticed it didn't look right. And if you were REALLY alert, and not in some sort of drunken stupor because of chronic depression brought on by the outcome of the American election, you would have further noticed that there was only one entry there.
Well, it wasn't my fault. It was those idiots at Blogspot.com again.
When I tried to post my previous entry, it gave me some sort of weird Blogger error message. So I checked my site itself, and it was showing only the single entry I had just posted. Subsequent attempts to correct the problem were unsuccessful, and by then I had to get out of here because someone was coming down the hall.
When I tried again a few hours ago, I was able to republish the entire site and correct the problem, except that single entry had now disappeared! So then I had to goa back and rewrite the best I could.
Why do people always insist on f*cking with me?
Anyway, I'm very excited. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, one of my favorite all-time Christmas shows is on TV tonight! Now I know some of you are saying, "But Saddam, why would you want to watch some TV show with puppets carrying on about some sort of infidel holiday? And is it true that your blog is actually written by a 17 year old cheerleader from Poughkeepsie, New York?"
Well, I can't help it. That show is just so darn cute. And it's an excellent storyline, with important lessons about how even supposed misfits have an important role in this world of ours. Plus, it reminds me of Iraq in some ways. For example, that Abominable Snowmonster reminds me of our own Camelman.
And you have to admit that Yukon Cornelius looks an awful lot like me when I emerged from that spider hole.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:54 AM
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
So.... Is Iraq going to have elections at the end of next month or not?
I'm guessing not. While Fallujah may be quiet at the moment, there are too many other hotspots popping up across the country. And no sooner do the Americans go in and save the town by leveling it, another insurgency pops up somewhere else. Quite frankly, anyone who seriously continues to believe that the elections will take place on January 30 is living in the Land of Oz.
Incidentally, I heard that a suicide bomber tried to blow up the wizard's palace in Emerald City. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Besides, the way things stand now, even the different groups involved can't agree on whether the elections should be postponed. The Sunnis want to delay it, while the Kurds and Shiites still want them held. Of course, IF the elections are held, and the Sunnis don't participate, they will refuse to recognize the results, and Iraq will slip further into disarray.
But the funniest part about this whole election thing is that now even the Shiites can't agree on what they want to do!!! A number of Shiite dominated political parties have broken off talks with one of their top spiritual leaders, that Al Sistani guy, because they think he's too much of a religious nutcase! One leader even said that "we don't want to be an extension of Iran inside Iraq."
Well, amen to that!
May I offer a compromise to this whole democracy debate? Skip the stupid elections and return me to power. I'm tanned, rested, and ready to straighten out this mess the Americans have made.
Don't take this wrong way, because I really don't give a camel's ass what you think, but I have added a new poll on this very topic. It's on the left side of your stupid infidel computer's screen.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 3:32 AM