Monday, January 31, 2005

I have long maintained that the Iraqi people are kind of stupid and secretly crave for a despot to rule them. If any of you have ever doubted me on this point, you need only look at yesterday's election results to see that I'm right.

Despite the constant risk of instant or near-instant death from snipers, exploding cars, suicide bombers, kidnappers, terrorists, crashing helicopters, friendly fire incidents, scorpions, tarantulas, rabid camels, and the stench of decaying corpses littering the streets, 60% of my citizens turned out to vote. Can you believe THAT!?!?! All they had to do was stay at home behind their locked doors, and everything would have been fine. But instead of playing it safe, 60% of Iraqis ventured out, risking life and limb, to vote.

It's just plain embarrassing. Makes me ashamed to admit I used to rule these fools. Seriously: What the hell were they thinking? Didn't they have any idea how dangerous it was to leave home?

All I can think of is that these people were so eager to see me return to power that they wanted to rush down to their local polling places and vote for me!! Yes, that must be it! It's the only possible logical explanation!

It's truly wonderful to be so beloved by your citizens.... (sniff!)

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Well, here we are on the eve of Iraq's "Free and Open Elections, Provided You Don't Count the Constant Sense of Imminent Death Awaiting Anyone Stupid Enough to Actually Cast a Ballot." Okay, so maybe that's not QUITE how President Bush describes it, but it's certainly more accurate.

The insurgents have been stepping up their attacks on election workers and polling places, so it's unclear how a lot of the idiots who do venture out will vote. Don't you need someone to physically take your ballot, or some sort of building to house the voting booths? And by "building," I mean an actual structure with exterior walls, a roof, and at least one internal room.... As opposed to a pile of smoldering bricks?

In another bit of good news, the occupiers have caught three of Al-Zarqawi's top lieutenants. Now some of you may be wondering why I would consider that to be good news. Well, the fact is, that guy scares the hell out of me! I mean, yeah, I suppose I Should be grateful that he's trying to drive the infidels from my country, but who the hell invited him? It sure wasn't me!

The fact is that my loyalists are perfectly capable of driving the infidels out of Iraq. We don't need help from any outsiders who have their own separate agendas. I'm no fool; Zarqawi is NOT looking to restore me to my rightful place of power. He's another of those religious whackos who wants to set up some sort of Islamic dictatorship like they had in Afghanistan.

So if the occupiers manage to eliminate Zarqawi, that would be great! It would be one less thing for me to have to clean up when I return to power.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

First, let me apologize for not posting for the last several days. I had the flu, and I blame the stupid Americans for it. It seems they didn't have enough vaccine to go around! Can you believe it? The richest country in the world running out of flu shots?!?! And I had to pay the price for their incompetence!! Anyway, obviously I couldn't be crawling through the ceiling to the general's office while coughing and sneezing and hocking up mouthfuls of phlegm. Someone might have heard me.

Now, onto more important matters...As you have no doubt heard, Condoleezza Rice's nomination for Secretary of State is starting to run into some serious opposition. Democrats are questioning if she can be a truly independent representative of the United States, or if she is blindly beholden to the President.

The strongest words against Rice have come from California's (obviously a blue state) Barbara Boxer, who has repeatedly accused Rice of lying and misleading the American people. In response, the Secretary of State nominee said she didn't appreciate anyone "impugning my credibility or my integrity."

Needless to say, I briefly held out hopes for a good old fashioned catfight, but it was not to be.

I don't think anyone is trying to impugne her credibility and/or integrity. The real problem is that she has neither credibility nor integrity to begin with!! If one does not posses certain qualities, those qualities can not be impugned! Am I right, or as usual, am I right?

You're damn right I'm right!

One more point: I don't know what kind of dental benefit plan Rice has, but she needs to seriously see about getting a new orthodontist.

Friday, January 21, 2005

President Bush has been sworn in for a second term. Judging by the below photo, he continues to enjoy widespread support and unprecedented admiration among the American people. Why, he's probably every bit as beloved by his citizens as I was by mine!

---------------Sent in by a T. Paine, from U.S. News

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Well, things here in Iraq are certainly looking up.... For the insurgency, I mean. Attacks on poll workers are up, kidnappings are up, and car bombings are up. If things were any more up, the place would explode like a nuclear bomb!

Er, not that we have any of those, which we don't. We never did. Got that? No nuclear bombs here. If you want nukes, you need to look next door in IraN. They're the guys who spell their country's name with an "N" instead of a "Q."

But I digress.... The closer Iraq gets to the elections, the more dangerous it becomes. And what exactly is the point of having them? The vast majority of the people will be afraid to go to the polls. And those the brave fools do decide to cast a ballot won't have a clue of who they're voting for. That's because most of the candidates have been afraid to campaign, or even give their names! So no one even knows who's running!

Plus the people that do show up are going to have to park a mile away since no one will be able to park near the polling places. No one wants to walk that far to vote, only to then get back to your car to discover it's now a smoldering pile of twisted scrap metal because you parked next to a truck bomb! Do you have any idea what all these suicide bombers are doing to car insurance rates in Baghdad? Believe me, you don't want to know.

This election is just way too complicated to succeed. At least when I was running things, and it came time for elections, you knew exactly who to vote for: ME!! I was the only name on the ballot, so people didn't have to worry about complicated choices or the candidates' positions on stuff like social security and the arctic wildlife refuge. One choice and one vote: what could be simpler than that?

Ah, the good old days....

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Saturday, January 15, 2005

When it became obvious that I didn't have any stinkin' WMD's--even the respected Russian news organization Pravda now says I had been telling the truth all along--Bush had to come up with new reasons to justify the invasion. He even went as far as to create a new cabinet level position, the Secretary of the Department of Excuses for Invading Peace Loving Nations That Have Never Done Anything Bad Except for Occasionally Invading Smaller Neighbors (EIPLNTHNDABEOISN). One of EIPLNTHNDABEOISN's more noble sounding reasons was the thing about making the world safer.

So.... Has deposing me (temporarily, of course) made the world safer from terrorists?

Well, according to a brand new CIA report, the answer to that question is a big fat stinkin' "No." In fact, Iraq has become the new breeding ground for the next generation of "professionalized" international terrorists. Not amateur terrorists, mind you, but professionalized ones.

What makes this even more hilarious is that previously the training ground was Afghanistan, which was somewhat remote and difficult to get to. But now, all these future terrorists are being trained right smack dab in the middle of the middle east, where it will be much easier for them to go back home to their oil-rich countries of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the Emirates, and Bahrain. Once there, they can use their newly honed skills against their own governments, which are currently chummy with the United States.

Well, President Bush kept insisting that Iraq was a haven for terrorists. Guess he FINALLY turned out to be right.


The infidel American newswoman Barbara Walters is interviewing President Bush tonight, and I plan to watch it. I'm sure she'll have a lot of questions about Iraq, and there's one in particular I'm hoping she'll ask: "Mr. President, when you decided to invade Iraq, what the f*ck were you thinking?"

But I'm not holding my breath.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Thursday, January 13, 2005

The United States has finally OFFICIALLY called off the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Actually, they did so a few weeks ago, but I guess they didn't want to draw a lot of attention to the fact that their entire reason for invading my country has now gone down the toilet.

That's the sort of embarassment you don't want to draw a whole lot of attention to.... Especially when you're preparing for your second inauguration.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

There's wonderful news out of Britain today! Support for the Iraq war among the English has dropped to a record low!!! Only 29% of the British people think invading me was the right thing to do.

Coincidentally, a new study has found that 29% of the Bitish people are morons.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

There's more talk that the increasing levels of violence, coupled with a Sunni boycott of the voting, will render the upcoming elections meaningless.

This time, however, there's a new twist: The Association of Muslim Scholars, a Sunni group which has been calling for the boycott, has offered to drop that order provided the United States sets a definitive date for the withdrawl of the occupying troops. Bush has refused to set such a date in the past, and I personally don't see any reason why he would now.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

A funny thing happened near Mosul yesterday. The Americans dropped a 500 pound bomb on the wrong frikkin' house!! Yep, that's one way to gain the love, trust, and admiration of the people you are trying to help.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so critical of the infidel occupiers. After all, silly mistakes do happen.

In fact, I remember this one time a few years back when I told my cousin, Chemical Ali, to gas the Kurds (this was back when I still had WMD's, which as the whole world now knows, I no longer do). I noticed that he looked a bit puzzled, but he saluted and said he would do it immediately.

So what does he do? He attacks the sewage treatment plant.

Turns out he thought I told him to gas the turds!!!!

Friday, January 07, 2005

Many of you have no doubt been asking yourselves, Hey Saddam, what did you think of that tsunami? We would ask you in person, but we're afraid we would get blown up on the way to visit you.

Let me first say that I can understand your concerns. It's not safe out there any more, and your blithering cowardice makes me want to heave my guts in the safety of my prison cell. Beyond that, I'm of course opposed to tsunamis of mass destruction.

Now don't get me wrong: It's not that I don't like the death and mayhem they unleash in their path. In fact, I'm rather jealous of them in that regard! Do you have any idea how many Shiites a properly directed tidal wave could kill? Too bad we live in a frikkin' desert.

Nor does the financial cost of its devastation concern me. I am confident that if such a calamity had befallen Iraq when I was in power, the world would have put aside its differences with me, and provided my country with billions and billions of dollars in aid.... Most of which I would have then pocketed for myself.

No, what I am most concerned about is that this stupid tsunami has pushed Iraq off the front pages of the world's newspapers.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Iraqi interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi, whose sole task is to stay alive while keeping my seat warm, continues to insist that the elections will take place at the end of this month. This, despite stepped up violence throughout the country. In fact, just in the last day, there have been three more suicide bombings.

That raises an interesting question: How come you never hear about any veteran suicide bombers?

Anyway, Allawi goes on to say that once the elections are held, the violence will drop off. He does NOT say why he thinks this will happen, or whether he also believes in the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny.

When my sons were killed, it was predicted that the violence would diminish; it didn't.

After I was captured, the experts said the insurgency would die down; it didn't.

It was expected that after the transfer of power last June, the resistance would die; again, it didn't.

So then why would elections make a difference? It will only get worse, especially since many of the Sunni parties have dropped out of the running. And regardless of whether they participate in the voting or not, there's no way the Sunni population will allow themselves to be governed by Shiites.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

In a surprise development, President Bush may be joining the real world. He has finally admitted that the insurgents are "having an effect."

An effect!?!? Give me a break!!!! That's like saying a tsunami can have "an effect" on a beach umbrella.

If Bush is finally starting to admit that things in Iraq aren't exactly quite hunky-dory, then you know the United States is in serious trouble.

And if that's not bad enough, a new poll shows that 56% of Americans now believe invading me was a mistake. This is significant, because this is the first time a majority of the American people have disagreed with Bush on this topic.