Friday, April 29, 2005

Hmmmm.... I wonder if these come in my size?

So how's the United States' "War on Terror" going?

Well, funny you should ask. It turns out the U.S. State Department has just released its figures for last year. And quite frankly, it ain't looking too good.

(Now I know some members of the Grammar Gestapo are going to want to point out that the word "ain't" ain't actually a word, and that's fine. By way of a response, I'll merely point out that I don't speak English and know next to nothing about that very peculiar language, so give me a break. And if you feel compelled to complain again, I will have no choice except to attach electrodes to parts of your body that aren't normally on public display. Okay? Okay. Glad we cleared that up.)

It seems that the number of people killed in terror incidents in 2004 more than tripled over the year before, going from 625 to 1907. The increase in the number of attacks was even more striking, coming in at 651 as compared to 175 in 2003.

Of course, the U.S. government blames the increase on changes in record keeping "methodology," which is a really big word with lots of syllables, and therefore quite problematic for someone like me who doesn't speak a lick of English. But I think it has to do with how many people worked on compiling the statistics, as well as a surge in attacks in Kashmir and here in Iraq.

One Congressman, a Henry Waxman, suggested that the increase may be due to the fact that American foreign policy is pissing off the entire frikkin' world. Well, okay, maybe those weren't his exact words, but it pretty well sums up what he meant.

Toads in Germany and Denmark have been exploding, and scientists in both countries are baffled by the phenomenon.

It's no mystery, really. They're obviously Islamic militant toads seeking martyrdom.

Yes, it's true: I turned 68 yesterday. Let me take this opportunity to thank the thousands of my readers who sent me birthday wishes.... Well, okay, let me thank the ONE reader who did. However, I'm sure the rest of you at least thought about, but were afraid to follow through because you were afraid the United States would trace your I.P. addresses, imprison you, strip you naked, and make you form naked human pyramids.

What a bunch of pathetic cowards!

Anyway, thanks to renown legal scholar Tung Yin for leaving me a happy birthday message. He even went as far as sending me a cake! That was very, very thoughtful.

Have fun at Guantanomo Bay, Mr. Yin!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Charles Duelfer, the Central Infidel Agency's top weapons of mass destruction inspector in Iraq, has submitted his final report. You remember that phrase, "weapons of mass destruction," don't you? That was the Bush Administrations FIRST reason for going to war. It wasn't until that one didn't pan out that they started coming out with that nonsense about spreading democracy and transforming the Middle East.

Duelfer's report concludes that any WMD's I may have had once upon a time were destroyed shortly after the FIRST Gulf War in compliance with U.N. resolutions.

Now isn't that what I had been saying all along? But did anyone believe ol' Saddam? N-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O-!!!!!!!! Hey, let me clue you people in on something: Just because a man is a brutal despot who kills his own citizens and loots his country's riches does NOT necessarily mean he's also a liar!

Duelfer goes on to say that his inspection team of 1,000 infidels also failed to turn up any evidence that my WMD's were shipped out of the country to Syria.

So that's it then. This total and utter failure to find any evidence of WMD's undoubtedly means that I will be released later today.

Let me go pack my toothbrush.

For several weeks now supporters of Bush's rude, crude, and socially unacceptable invasion of my peace loving country (the occasional unprovoked attack on our neighbors notwithstanding) had been pointing to the falling number of insurgent attacks as proof that they were winning.


What happened is that the second anniversary of the (alleged) Fall of Baghdad was approaching, along with the second anniversary of the official beginning of the insurgency. For purposes of record keeping, our personnel department had been treating that as the official date of hire for the fighters. Since they had been working so hard, most had not yet had a chance to take time off, except for the occasional funeral of coworkers.

But as their anniversary dates neared, they were faced with a dilemma: Use up their accumulated vacation time or lose it. Many of them opted to take a break from the fighting, so naturally the overall level of productivity of the insurgency suffered.

But now that April 19th has come and gone, the insurgents are back on the job and stepping up their attacks.

More importantly, the level of sophistication of the attacks has gone up as well. For example, the infidels were quite impressed by the insurgents' assault on the Abu Ghraib prison earlier this month. It would have been big news back when it happened, except that the world was mesmerized at the time by the Pope's impending death.

More recently, insurgents launched a well orchestrated attack on a Marine base near the Syrian border, nearly overrunning it.

I'd love to go on, but I have to run. My favorite all-time movie is on TV in a few minutes: Guerrillas in the Mist.

Monday, April 25, 2005

On a serious note: A lot has been written this past week about Marla Ruzicka, the American aid worker who was killed by a roadside bomb. Her death serves to further illustrate the profound waste and foolishness of this unnecessary war. The website of the organization she founded, CIVIC Worldwide, has posted some wonderful photos of her at work.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Last month a woman claimed to have found a fingertip in a bowl of chile she bought at Wendy's, an infidel fast food chain. She tried to sue the restaurant, but soon details of her past attempts to blackmail other companies began to surface. Furthermore, attempts by Wendy's to find the source of the missing finger proved to be about as successful as Bush's search for my WMD's.

Early yesterday police arrested the woman, charged her with grand larceny, and declared the whole thing a hoax.... Much like Bush's claim that I was up to my tuckus in WMD's--Not that I'm still dwelling on the subject.

Anyway, I guess I better drop my idea to claim I found a camel penis in my hummus.

Ever wonder what it's like to go on one of those patrols that are so often attacked by insurgents? Ann Scott Tyson of the Washington Post, an infidel newspaper, is embedded with a military unit south of Baghdad and writes about the experience firsthand.

I suppose no matter how bad things may seem, they could always be worse.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I don't mean to suggest that I'm a rabid environmentalist, but I do care about the world my sons will have to live in.... Well, er, would have lived in if they hadn't ended up with more holes in them than swiss cheese.

Anyway, my point is that I do worry about how mankind often mistreats Mother Nature--especially when it comes to water pollution. This is no way to dispose of human waste.


It's starting to look like the state of Texas screwed up and put an innocent man to death last year. Needless to say, many anti-capital punishment types are up in arms over the case.

So what? I've personally put plenty of innocent people to death, and you don't see me losing sleep over it!

Some crybaby member of the illegal Iraqi Parliament is upset that the illegal occupying Americans handcuffed and detained him because he didn't have the proper ID to get into the Green Zone!

Can you believe that crap? What an ungrateful moron!! I mean, does this guy realize that there are about 75,000,000 insurgents looking to kill him as well as every other member of that stupid Parliament, and that if it weren't for those Americans checking ID's, his body parts would be splattered across 15 square blocks of downtown Baghdad?

I'm not sure, but I'm guessing he was a Shiite. They're the only ones who can possibly be that stupid.

This points out yet another problem with democracy: Any brainless nitwit can get lucky and win an election.

Kind of like Bush....

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

What!?! The new Pope is a Kraut!?! The Jews are gonna love this....

The other day I was positively giddy with delight that a bunch of Shiites had been taken hostage by Sunnis. Now it turns out that may not have been the case at all! A series of raids by authorities have failed to turn up any actual hostages in that area, and speculation is mounting that the whole thing was made up in an attempt to embarrass various factions of the government.

Likewise, there have been conflicting reports about some official being assassinated. First it was one guy, then it was another, and now no one seems to be sure exactly who got whacked.

Then again, I suppose I can take solace in the fact that the government illegally elected last January has reduced itself to such petty bickering. It's just further evidence of the flaws inherent in democracy, and once again demonstrates the need for a strong father figure to step forward and establish some discipline in Iraq.

Let me once again point out that I am tanned, rested, and ready to oppress.

Plus, I've got one hell of a beard now.

Monday, April 18, 2005

For the first time ever, NASA scientists have obtained the first direct view of planets outside our own solar system.

Impressive, but I'm betting they didn't find my WMD's there either.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

President Bush threw out the first ball at something called a "baseball game" the other day. And while I'm not completely certain, I believe a "baseball game" is some sort of stupid infidel sporting event. And it's probably not nearly exciting as a good game of nogginball.

However, after careful analysis of the photo, there is one thing I am sure of: Bush throws like a girl.

Meanwhile, in the town of Al_Madain near Baghdad, some 80 Shiites have been taken hostage by Sunnis. Their captors are threatening to kill the whole bunch of them unless all the Shiites leave town. It's only a matter of time until the Shiites decide to take revenge on the Sunnis by seizing some of them.

This is wonderful news, of course, for it will only cause tensions between the various factions of Iraq to flare even more! I get goosebumps just thinking about it!

And down in southern Iraq, searchers have found mass graves containing the remains of 7000 people supposedly killed by me. What utter nonsense!! Let me assure you, my faithful readers, that I had nothing to do with their untimely deaths. I don't know when this alleged massacre happened, but let me be the first to say that I was out in the backyard of one of my palaces working on my golf swing at the time. I have witnesses who can prove that.... Probably.... Unless they're also in prison.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

A new survey says that more people are becoming "accepting" of spam. Not that they like it, mind you; it's just that they have come to tolerate it as a necessary part of being on the internet.

Well, that's just outrageous! What the hell is wrong with you people!?!?!? There is absolutely no reason why anyone--even you stinkin' infidels--should have to put with emails implying that your male genitalia is inferior! And as for any of you smartasses about to make jokes about the size of my own manly parts, let me assure you that there is nothing below average about me. In fact, I'm hung like a frikkin' camel. Just ask any of the cigarette smoking pregnant female American soldiers who have supervised me during the naked human pyramid building drills.

And what is it with all the phishing emails lately? I mean, is there anyone still out there stupid enough to fall for those things? Besides Rumsfeld, I mean.

Quite frankly, spammers are the only form of life on Allah's green Earth that are lower than rats, cockroaches, single celled microbes, and Shiites.

Forget the the war on terror. It's a failure. Not only is Osama still out there, he's making more videos of himself than Paris Hilton. What's more, much of the civilized world has come to hate America.

If Bush wants to regain the respect of the international community of nations, he should go after the real enemy and declare war on spam and the nations which harbor spammers.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Since yesterday was the second anniversary of the so-called "Fall of Baghdad," I felt I should say a few words on the topic....

First of all, Baghdad did not "fall." It merely underwent a temporary "transfer of custodianship." Got that?

That said, I have to add that I'm marking the occasion by drinking this alcohol I found in the General's refrigerator. The bottle is labelled "specimen," and while I admit I've never heard of that brand before, it's quite good. I've only had a couple of sips, and already I've got one hell of a buzz going!!

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Shiites marked the occasion by demonstrating in the streets of Baghdad and demanding that the United States leave. HAHAHAHA!!!!! Now that's gratitude for you!! The Americans saved their sorry butts from me, and they're repaying the debt by telling their saviors to go the f*ck home!

I hate to admit it, but for once I agree with those damn Shiites.

The other great piece of news I just got is out of Kirkuk. The Kurds pretty well control the place, and now they're talking about seceding from the rest of Iraq. But since they have 9 million barrels of oil reserves in the area, no one wants to see that happen. Even worse, minority groups in the city feel that they are deliberately being shut out of the local councils by the Kurds.

But enough talk about politics. It's time I congratulated that big eared infidel Prince Charles on his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles. Forget all that crap about divorces, broken marriages, and the fact that the two of them are cousins. What's important is that they are happy, and love one another.... Even if they are commiting incest.

People make some very cruel remarks about Camilla's looks, and I feel that is totally uncalled for. A person's exterior appearance, however nauseating, can easily mask the goodness and beauty that lies on the inside.

I should know. You see, years ago, I carried on a longstanding torrid love affair with Bowles identical twin sister, Camela Parker Bowles. In fact, this romance is what led to the breakup of several of my marriages. Even though she dumped me for good when I became involved with the Dixie Chicks, I still always treasure the oh-so-sweet memories of our years together.

And even though I sit here in prison, stripped of most of my worldly possesions, I still have the one item I cherish more than all my palaces, more than the billions of dollars I looted from my country, more than my dreams of dominance of the middle east, more than my solid gold toilet seats, more than my non-existent weapons of mass destruction, and more than anything else on Earth. Yes, I still carry a single snapshot of my beloved Camela in my wallet:

Friday, April 08, 2005

The American judicial system is thoroughly screwed up, and its sentencing guidelines are completely out of whack. For example, a judge in Virginia just sentenced a spammer to nine years in prison!

What the hell is that about!?!? Call me old fashioned, but I've always felt that the punishment should fit the crime. And I'm sorry, but sentencing someone to almost a decade of prison time for the mere act of sending out a few billion unwanted emails is just plain ridiculous.

Personally, I would have had the guy's fingernails and toenails pulled out one by one, then hung him upside from a tree by his testicles while buzzards pecked his eyeballs out.

Followed by five years probation, of course.

I see those worthless infidel dogs at Blogger finally have their stupid system back up....

The new Iraqi President, Whatshisname Talabani, offering amnesty to all the insurgents.

I think this is a wonderful idea. Quite frankly, the fight to drive the occupiers from our land and restore tyranny and oppression to Iraq hasn't been going very well lately. This will enable those in the insurgency a chance to take a much needed vacation, maybe even travel to France and enjoy Euro Disney for a couple of days, then return home, regroup, rethink their strategies, work up some fresh targets, and return to work with a fresh new attitude.

Incidentally, did you know there used to be a Middle Eastern version of Disneyland? It eventually went out of business because Mickey kept strapping explosives to his body and blowing up the tourists.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I would never tell Osama this--mainly because I never talk to him since I don't have any actual 'substantial ties' to Al Qaeda--but sometimes I wish I were a woman. Then I could have things like this done to me.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

It's a really, really, REALLY, REALLY good thing that I'm not dead yet, or I'd be rolling over in my grave. Have you heard what these idiots in that new unlawful Parliament are doing? They're naming a frikkin' Kurd as President!!!!!! Can you believe that crap!?!?!

What's next? Britney Spears and her freeloading husband in a reality TV show?

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Don't be alarmed. This is the first and ONLY time you will ever see me running a "Family Circus" cartoon.

Friday, April 01, 2005

An additional finding by that commission that investigated the intelligence failures leading to the unlawful, illegal, and highly irregular invasion of my country was that a number of people raised serious questions about the accuracy of the information on my alleged WMD's. Unfortunately, everyone in the Bush Administration was so caught up in the march to war that they refused to listen. In fact, someone called CIA Director George Tenet the night before Colin Powell's big presentation at the U.N. voicing doubts. Tenet replied with something to the effect of "Yeah, yeah. I'm tired, leave me alone."

I can see dozing off and driving off the road into a tree. That happens all the time.

But dozing off, invading a country, destroying your nation's credibility, pissing off all your allies, enraging the entire Muslim world, and causing the deaths of tens of thousands of people?!?!?!

It sickens me to think that this whole mess could have been avoided if someone had only had a second cup of coffee.

Conservative commentator Pat Buchanan was hit with a bunch of salad dressing last night while delivering a speech in Michigan.

Great. They'll probably try to pin this attack on me as well.

If there's one thing those crazy infidels in the United States love, it's commissions, and I'm not talking about the kind used camel salesmen get. I'm talking about the ones that "investigate" things, determine what "went wrong," and then come up with "recommendations."

The Americans appoint commissions for every damn thing. They had a commission that investigated the loss of the space shuttle Columbia. They had one that investigated what went wrong on 9-11. They have commissions that set water and sewage rates. And they just had one that finished working on the intelligence failures leading up to the invasion of my peace loving (well, except for the occasional invasion of helpless neighboring countries) paradise (well, except for the occasional gassing of Kurdish villages) of a nation.

When I ran Iraq, we didn't need no stinkin' commissions. If something bad happened, I would find the person responsible and shoot him. And if I couldn't find the person who screwed up, then I would just shoot someone at random and say he was the one. Generally speaking, that was enough of an incentive to everyone else to NOT f*ck up next time.

But I digress.... The United States appointed some sort of stupid commission to investigate the bad intelligence that led to the invasion. They came out with their report yesterday, and guess what? Their conclusion was that the Iraqi weapons assessments were "dead wrong."

Jesus H. Frikkin' Allah!!!!! The whole world has known that for the last three years, and Bush needed a stupid commission to explain it to him?!?!?!