Sunday, July 31, 2005

Former President Jimmy Carter of the United States has weighed in on the controversy over Guantanamo Bay. He says the prison there us a "disgrace" and an "embarrassment" to America. He also calls the invasion of my peace loving nation, which would never have hurt a fly--well, unless it was a Shiite, Kurdish, or Kuwaiti fly--as "unnecessary and unjust."

Strong words indeed, and normally I would welcome such opinions from a former leader of the U.S.

On the other hand, we are talking about Jimmy Carter, who was and still is a wiener. I mean, the guy allowed a mob to occupy his embassy in Tehran and hold 52 of his countrymen hostage for a year and a half. Do you think Bush would have allowed that kind of nonsense? Of course not. Hell, Bush is crazy enough that he would have bombed Iran back into the stone age.

On the other hand, how would anyone have told the difference?

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Loyal reader, trusted advisor, noted legal scholar, and mangy infidel dog Tung Yin writes: "Saddam, I am very worried for you about your having been indicted. Will you get a fair trial in front of a jury of your peers? (Well, you don't have any peers, but that Kim Jong-Il guy will do. And Osama. Who else?)"

First of all, let me say that I hardly consider Osama one of my so-called "peers." Aside from the fact that I have NO meaningful ties with Al Qaeda, Osama's never even ruled a country!! Hell, in fact no country will even admit to having him!! Quite frankly, Osama is nothing more than a pathetic homeless man, the kind who would normally be hanging around outside the subway with a tin cup if he didn't keep trying to blow the thing up. So please, Mr. Yin, never again refer to him and me in the same sentence. Such comparisons offend me, and I don't think I need to remind you what happens to people who offend me.

As for Kim, I was hoping he could be on my jury, but he was excused because he's self-employed and busy selling nuclear warheads on the international black market. Taking time off would have seriously impaired his income and led to mass starvation among his citizens.... though I personally don't see what difference serving or not serving on my jury would make in that regard.

As far as the trial itself is concerned, rest assured that I have studied the recent Michael Jackson proceedings very carefully and have mapped out my strategy in great detail. I don't want to give too much away, but don't be surprised if I show up one day in my pajama bottoms.

By the way, I was considering utilizing your legal expertise. After all, I still need to hire someone to carry my umbrella. But after reading this entry on your site, I'm no longer sure: "Stupid Sears. We bought a new dishwasher, which came with a mail-in rebate equal to the delivery charge. So I dutifully filled out the rebate form and mailed it in. Several weeks later, we received a check for the right amount. Only it was made out to someone who had my first name (misspelled) and my wife's last name. . . . Should I even try to cash the check, or do I have to wade through the interminable bureaucracy to get a corrected check sent out?"

How shall I put this delicately...? YOU'RE THE LAWYER, for crying out loud!!!! So why in Allah's name are you asking your readers for advice?

Don't make me reconsider my decision to hire you as my umbrella carrier.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Remember the Abu Ghraib torture allegations? Ever since that story broke last year, Bush Administration officials have insisted it was the work of a few "rogue" soldiers on the midnight shift. Some were court martialed even as their defenders insisted they were acting on orders from above.

Now some documents have been uncovered that place the blame squarely in the lap of the White House. They show that the military lawyers were opposed to the harsh interrogation methods because they violated both domestic US laws, as well as those of foreign countries.

It was the Bush Administration's attorneys that said that the methods were justified because of the "special" nature of the war on terror. And since crap flows downhill, the Administration won while the guards on the night shift went on to take the fall.

Was the torture justified? Well, in most cases, yes. Allah knows that I've never hesitated to torture my prisoners. But on the other hand, I've never tried to justify my actions by taking the moral high ground. I mean, sure, I'm a brutal, bloodthirsty despot with no regard for human life, but at least I'm not a hypocrite.

Rumsfeld paid a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday, supposedly to discuss the status of the country's security forces with that so-called prime minister guy. The real reason for his trip, however, was to attempt to personally deliver a new TiVo unit for my cell.

Yes, I know it sounds like a surprisingly sweet gesture on his part, but I'm not fooled. He's trying to soften me up before trying to negotiate the United States' surrender.

Anyway, the first thing I plan to record is that new show on FX called Over There.It's about a group of infidel soldiers serving here in Iraq. So far they haven't asked me to appear in it, but when they do, I'll be sure to wink at all of you.

Just don't expect me to stand around signing stinkin' autographs.

The show has been getting pretty good advance reviews. It's from Steven Bochco, who has in the past produced shows such as Hill Street Blues, LA Law, NYPD Blue, and my personal favorite, the immortal Cop Rock.

Hmmmm.... Actually, I just had a brainstorm: A gritty military action/drama/musical series in which soldiers from both sides suddenly burst into song in the middle of firefights.

Just remember you heard it here first.

Anybody seen my boots? The irony around here is getting kind of deep.

One of the Bush Administration's most important goals two years ago was to prevent some sort of Islamic state from forming in Iraq. They even went as far as to say that they wouldn't allow it.

Well, guess what? It's happening. The new Constitution that the illegal Iraqi government is writing says that all laws will be based on “the rules of Islam.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just what the world needs: Another government run by religious wackos.... Kind of like the United States under the Republicans.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I've been hearing for a while now that the Americans have been having problems recruiting and keeping soldiers, but I never realized until now just how desperate they've become....

They're starting to use GI Joes!!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Saddam, you rascally devil,you!! You always seem to have an opinion about everything that's going on the world. How do you stay so well-informed? Can I have your autograph before they execute you?"

Well, thank you. I do take pride in keeping up with current events, geopolitical developments, American politics, and Hollywood romances. Of course, it's not easy, especially since English is such a complicated language, full of all sorts of hard to grasp subtleties.

Still, I do my best not to disappoint you, my loyal legion of readers. That's why I go out of my way to scour all the major news services on a daily basis. And speaking of "daily," my primary source for explaining this complicated world in which we live is Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show." Now this is a man who is clearly a superior journalist and political analyst, as demonstrated by this video I found at And it's also a perfect example of those finer nuances of the English language I mentioned, and how the exact same word can have three different meanings.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

The traitors that have been working on the new Iraqi Constitution have hit a snag. Sunnis are boycotting the process because they feel it's dangerous work. And it is, for several of the delegates have, er, "met with misfortune" during the past couple of weeks.

But the deadline for finishing the document is on August 15, and having the sunnis involved is key to the new Constitution's acceptance

Look, let's make this simple: The Iraqi people don't need no stupid constitution. They have me. That system of government has worked perfectly fine since 1979 when I first took power, and there's no reason to change it now.

You know who I feel sorry for? Besides myself, I mean. This guy Jean Charles de Menezes. He's the dumb sod that British police shot the other day because they thought he was a suicide bomber.

In the hours right after it happened, the authorities said he was loaded with explosives. When it turned out he wasn't, they said he was one of the four guys who got away the day before after they botched their attacks. Then the police said, well, no, he wasn't one of them, but he was definitely at least connected to them.

Now it turns out he's just a Brazilian electrician who was probably doing nothing more than trying to get a free ride on the tube by jumping the turnstile. Of course, it's probably not a terribly good idea to do that sort of thing the day after another attempted series of subway bombings. The authorities will tend to be just a bit on the nervous side, and they'll look for the slightest excuse to appear, um, "busy."

Okay, so the British apparently screwed up. But why are they admitting it? Just do what Bush did when he f*cked up: Come up with a whole new list of excuses to justify your actions.

Take it from someone who knows: There's nothing worse than being on the receiving end of bad intelligence.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Tom Tancredo, a U.S. congressman from Colorado, has come up with a novel idea to deter terrorists. He suggests that if Islamic terrorists strike America again, then the U.S. should retaliate by bombing Mosques or other Muslim holy sites.

Not surprisingly, the United States is again behind the times. My fellow Muslims are already doing that!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

That Jalal Talbani guy is a very talented fellow. Not only is he a great actor--pretending to President of Iraq in my temporary absence--and something of an escape artist--having avoided assassination thus far--but he's also a comedian! The man should get his own HBO special.... Or even a series on Comedy Central! After all, they have a time slot open since David Chappelle may not be back.

In his latest comedy routine, Talabani says that once my trial is finished, the insurgent attacks will drop off.


When I heard that one, I started laughing so hard I about peed my pants!!!

How often has the world heard that line? Let's see.... When my sons were killed, it was predicted the insurgent attacks would drop off. Then when that didn;t happen, they said my capture would cause the insurgency to collapse. Well, when that didn't happen, it was supposed to be the transfer of sovereignty that would magically bring peace to the land. Then it was the elections, and the big assault on Fallujah a few months ago. But instead of stopping, the attacks have only been growing in intensity and frequency. More Americans are dying than ever before, and more and more innocent Iraqis are being killed in suicide attacks. And now my trial is somehow finally supposed to somehow put an end to the mayhem? Don't hold your breath, folks.

Well, unless you're a Shiite and I'm gassing your village.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

WHAT!?!?! I've been indicted!?!?! What the hell for? I haven't done anything!!!!

Well, okay, I suppose if you want to be really, really, really picky, there's the small matter of the hundreds of thousands of people I've massacred over the years. But that's kind of stretching it, if you ask me. Besides, most of those were Shiites and Kurds, so what's all the fuss about?

Still, I'm not worried. I'll just show up in court wearing pajama bottoms and whine about my back, while one of my lawyers shields me from the harsh rays of the sun with an umbrella.

Hey, it worked for Michael Jackson.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

In what can best be described as a "setback" for Osama bin Laden, a man I barely know and certainly have no meaningful ties with, a worldwide poll shows support for terrorism declining among Muslims. The cause for this is unclear, but it's probably because so many other Muslims have died in terrorist attacks.

A perfect example of this is the suicide bombing here in Baghdad a few days ago. American troops were handing out a candy when some moron in a car loaded with explosives crashes into the crowd and blows himself up. What the hell was he thinking? I'm sorry, but that's the kind of publicity the insurgency doesn't need.

On the other hand, it was in a Shiite neighborhood, so.... No, no. It's still bad.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Remember the legend of Icarus? He was some Greek infidel who glued feathers to his arms and learned to fly. But then he got cocky, flew too close to the sun, and his feathers melted off. Needless to say, it was a l-o-o-o-n-g way down. That's essentially what has happened to the Bush Administration. After their surprising success in Afghanistan they got cocky and decided, what the heck, let's invade Iraq and get rid of that troublemaker over there. What's his name? Yeah, Saddam something.

Bush, however, refuses to acknowledge reality and he's still up there furiously flapping his bare arms.

The most recent feather to melt off is in the form of Douglas J. Feith. He is--or was--a top Pentagon war planner who was deeply involved in drawing the plans to invade my peace-loving paradise of bloody oppression.... But hey, no one's perfect, right?

Feith now admits that there were "significant missteps" in the war plan, which was apparently drawn up after a late night of drinking. One of those errors was the delay in transferring power to the new Iraqi government.

Feith also says that there was some debate over whether the invasion force was big enough or too small. He now admits that it should have been larger.

Hell, maybe he should have asked a woman. They'll always tell you big is better.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The clown who's been running Iraq during my, er, "hiatus," has announced that foreign troops can begin leaving some cities.

Well, I suppose that's a nice start. And while I don't mean to seem ungrateful, shouldn't they begin to leave all the cities? Like really, really quickly? Then maybe we can begin cleaning up the mess the occupiers have made. You can rest assured we will be keeping our receipts from Home Depot so we can send a Bush an itemized bill for everything he broke.

That Prime Minister guy didn't specify which cities, but presumably he was talking about ones in southern Iraq. That's understandable, since those are inhabited primarily by Shiite chickens. The insurgency, on the other hand, is concentrated in and around Baghdad, as well as to the north in what is usually referred to as the Sunni triangle.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

George W. Bush celebrated his 59th birthday last week.

Did anyone remember to buy him an exit strategy?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Here's an interesting item: A parrot in Massachusetts has apparently grasped the concept of zero. This is surprising because "zero" is considered to be an abstract concept that even human babies can't understand until after the toddler stage.... Heck, in some cases, some humans can't do that even after they have been President of the world's sole remaining superpower for several years.

I'm not sure about the details of the experiment, but I'm guessing the bird was asked how many WMD's were actually found in Iraq.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Americans have launched something called Operation Scimitar, which is targetted against insurgents around the Fallujah area.

Operation Scimatar!?!? Huh? Granted, my English vocabulary is somewhat limited, but does anyone out there know what a scimitar is? I had to Google the damn thing, and it turns out to be some sort of oriental sword.

Uh, oriental!?! But Iraq is in the middle freakin' east!!! This is further evidence that Bush invaded the wrong damn country! He thinks he's fighting China!!!! Do I look even vaguely chinese to you people? No, of course not! I can't even stand kung pao! Plus I'm all swarthy and hairy! You should see my back. When I take off my shirt, I look like one of those apes Sigourney Weaver kept making out with in the uncut version of Gorillas in the Mist.

Frankly, I think the Americans may be running out of things to call their military operations. Like names for hurricanes, there's only so many out there that you can use before it starts sounding silly. Think about it: If you lived in Florida and there was a category 5 storm named Biff headed your way, would you evacuate? No, of course not. No one's going to be afraid of someone named Biff.

Anyway, my point is that the Americans are obsessed with giving their military operations noble sounding names such as Operation Overlord, Operation Desert Shield, Operation Just Cause, and Operation Iraqi Freedom. Here in Iraq we tend to be more direct and to the point, such as Operation Kick The Sh*t Out Of Kuwait.

Anyway, I'm still waiting for the Americans to come up with Operation See You Guys Later We're Outta Here It's Been Real Ciao Baby.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I'm still kicking myself for not investing in Halliburton before the invasion.

If you haven't heard, the Pentagon has just awarded another $5 billion contract to Cheney's old company. This new one is $1 billion higher than last year's. What makes this even more newsworthy is that the military has already been investigating them for possible overcharges during the last two years!

Naturally, I'm being blamed for the rising costs. Apparently the higher price tag reflects "the growing demand for the company's services as U.S. forces continue to battle a stubborn insurgency two years after the fall of Saddam Hussein."

Excuse me? Did someone just call us "stubborn?" You know, there is nothing more rude than houseguests who not only overstay their welcome, but then have the audacity to start complaining about their hosts!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The United States military is continuing to have problems meeting its recruiting goals. For several months now, they have continuously fallen short of their quotas. This summer they plan an all-out push to meet not only their regular monthly goals, but to also make up for the past shortfall in numbers.

We occasionally had similar problems here in Iraq, especially during our long war with those cursed Iranians. So whenever our troop levels started getting low, our recruiters would fan out into the cities and invoke cries of patriotism and glory in an effort to get fresh meat for the front lines. And if that didn't work, which it usually didn't, we'd round up some 18 year olds at gunpoint and stick 'em in uniforms.

But the Americans, with their all-volunteer army, don't like to do that. Parents get upset and start writing their congressmen, which is another persistent problem with freedom and democracy. That's why their army is increasing its number of recruiters by 500 and may also end up doubling its signing bonuses.

All very impressive. But if the below photo is any indication, the Americans may be letting their standards slip in their desperation for new manpower.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

There are times I almost feel sorry for the Americans.

For example, I've been reading up on Iran's new elected President. Have you seen some of the stuff coming out about him? And I'm not talking about the goat sex orgies, because that's pretty standard stuff in this part of the world. No, I'm referring to his ties to terrorism.

Several days ago a number of the former Iranian hostages said that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was one of the people in charge during the hostage crisis 25 years ago. That's a pretty serious allegation.

But now there's a new one: He may have been involved in the slaying of a Kurdish leader in Vienna, Austria, back in 1989! Now, I don't normally like Shiites, which is what this Ahmadinejad fellow is. On the other hand, he enjoys killing Kurds, so at least we share some common hobbies.

Anyway, what I find so wildly amusing about this is that while Bush is busy in Iraq chasing terrorists who weren't here until the Americans showed up, the terrorists have been busy coming to power through democracy in other countries!

Finally, here's a story out of China that says Ahmadinejad successfully "played the 'class card' and "'religion card'" to get himself elected.

Guess that means he has a lot in common with President Bush as well.

I wanted to take a few minutes out of my busy schedule of sitting around in my underwear to tell you about a new DVD that came out a few days ago. It's called Gunner Palace and tells the story of an American brigade stationed in Iraq (Read the review here or click the image to order).

The director of the film, an infidel named Michael Tucker, spent two months with the unit, relaxing with the soldiers and going on patrol with them. The movie seeks to capture their thoughts, emotions, and frustrations during their unit's deployments to Baghdad and Najaf. A portion of each sale goes to help the families of wounded soldiers.

Now some of you may wonder why I'm plugging this film. Well, first off, it's for a good cause. And I certainly wouldn't want any Americans to get stuck here because they don't have enough money for airfare. Secondly, their website linked to me almost a year ago and has since generated a fair amount of traffic in my direction.

Selfish on my part? Well, of course, you ninny! You didn't actually think I'd do anything out of the goodness of my heart, did you?.

Friday, July 01, 2005

They are finally starting to figure out that most of the suicide bombers blowing themselves up around Iraq are actually foreigners. Well, of course they are. Iraqis aren't that stupid.

Having said that, let me add that I did not mean to suggest foreign fighters are "stupid." Okay, so maybe I did, but I meant it in the nicest possible way. I am genuinely moved by this show of affection from citizens of other countries, though I find it curious that none of them wanted to come here when I was still in power.

That's why the United States will never be able to control this insurgency: There's a virtually endless pool of fighters coming in from Jordan, Syria, and whoever else has a border with Iraq. There's probably a few other countries, but it's not like I was a Geography major, so how should I know?

Now I suppose the Americans could put a stop to it if they seal the borders, but that would be virtually impossible. Besides, they can't control the flow of illegal lawn care workers pouring across their own borders, so how can they be expected to stem the tide of Joe Camels sneaking into Iraq?