Tuesday, November 29, 2005

As I'm sure you're all aware, I had another court appearance yesterday, and some of you are questioning the wisdom of my berating the judge. You raise a good point, so let me answer your question with a question of my own: Are you completely out of your minds!?!?! Do you have any idea what happens to people who question my decisions? Do you have any idea how painful electrodes attached to your testicles can be? Or would you prefer to be hung from the ceiling by your nipples?

Good. I'm glad we settled that particular issue.

Besides, what's the judge going to do about it? Nothing. I mean, how many of you honestly believe this guy is going to live long enough to render judgment against me? The mortality rate among officials--especially judges--of the current temporary government of Iraq is only slightly higher than that of a poor black American trapped in New Orleans during a category 5 hurricane. On the other hand, at least Bush cares about the Iraqi officials.

Why, just the other day, eight Sunnis were arrested for plotting the assassination of the clown who prepared the case against me. And let's not forget the two lawyers working on behalf of my co-defendants who've gotten whacked in the last few weeks.

Let's face it: If you're a lawyer or judge involved in this case, your odds of finding someone to sell you life insurance are about the same as buying flood insurance for your house in New Orleans.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Thanksgiving is a major holiday among the infidel Americans, and Bush is spending the week at his Texas ranch. But at least he's not lonely, as over one hundred anti-war protesters are camped nearby.

In addition to turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and a hot buttered roll, Bush has a number of problems on his plate as well. His approval ratings continue to hover below 40%. The only thing keeping him from going even lower are his fellow Republicans, 80% of whom think the President is doing a great job. Apparently these people admire liars who lead them into war using exaggerated claims and with absolutely no idea of what needs to be done once a country is occupied.

While Bush doesn't have to worry about reelection, his party members in congress do. And even though those elections are still almost a year off, they are beginning to sweat bullets. And the fact that a number of them may be caught up in a series of corruption investigations doesn't help.

The foreign minister of occupied Iraq, Hoshiyar Zebari, has finally responded to all the talk about countries withdrawing their troops. He says--apparently with a straight face--that such a withdrawal would lead to violence in Iraq.

What? Violence here in Iraq? Well, that would certainly be a shame. After all, the place has been so peaceful since the Americans arrived!

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Now the German intelligence service has weighed in with accusations that Bush exaggerated claims by an alleged informant, claims that were used to justify the invasion. According to the Krauts, an Iraqi defector codenamed "Curveball" was the source of allegations that we had stockpiles biological weapons. The Germans say they warned the Americans that this "Curveball" fellow had "emotional and mental problems," and that his claims were unverifiable.

Well, that's just great. Not only does Bush talk to God, but he listens to wackos who have unresolved issues with their mothers!?!?!

So I guess that means that hundreds of billions of dollars have gone down the toilet, thousands of people have died, and Iraq has been plunged into civil war all because some guy didn't take his Prozac.

One of the big debates in the United States right now--or at least what I hear is one the big debates, because I'm Saddam and I'm writing this blog from an undisclosed location in or near Baghdad, which means there is no truth to the rumor that it is actually being written by a 17 year old varsity cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York--is whether an immediate withdrawal from Iraq would be disastrous. Let me be the first to say that no, it would not be. Please leave. Now. I'll even warm up the plane for you. Good-bye. It's been real and it's been fun, but too bad it hasn't been real fun. Adios. Hasta la vista, baby, and don't be back any time soon.

On the other hand, I'll be the first to admit that my opinion might be just a wee bit biased in the matter.

So let's instead turn to William Odom. He is a retired infidel General, and he has written an interesting piece on why it is in the best interests of the United States to leave NOW. But what makes his take on the matter interesting is that he has actually taken the Bush Administration's reasons as to why an immediate withdrawal would be bad, and turned them into arguments for leaving ASAP.

Odom goes on to say that "the invasion of Iraq may well turn out to be the greatest strategic disaster in American history."

I agree, and I'm humbled to be part of it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Some of the stuff that continues to come out about Bush is downright scary. I mean, people thought I was a nutjob!?! I pale in comparison to the President.

Now there are reports in a London newspaper that Bush had wanted to bomb the offices of Al-Jazeera in Qatar!!! Can you believe that!?!?

According to the report in The Daily Mirror, Bush brought up the subject during a 2004 meeting with Tony Blair. The British Prime Minister, being somewhat saner, talked Bush out of the idea. The Mirror based its report on a memo that was leaked to the press.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan basically said the idea was ridiculous. On the other hand, McClellan also assured everyone a year ago that no one in the Administration had anything to do with the outing of that CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

Not that I'm questioning McClellan's credibility or anything....

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Pressure on Bush to begin withdrawing his occupying forces has been growing over the last several weeks. The American public increasingly wants their soldiers home, and calls are mounting in Congress as well.

Now another voice has joined the chorus to get the Americans out of Iraq, and this one comes from a surprising source: The current Iraqi government! The communique, which was prepared not only by Sunnis but Kurds and Shiites as well, says it is time to establish a timetable for withdrawal of foreign forces from the country.

It stops short of calling for my return to power, but I'm sure that's only a matter of time.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Things are getting increasingly nasty in Washington. Now Vice President Cheney has gone on the attack, accusing the anti-war critics of being "dishonest" and "reprehensible," and engaging in shameless behavior.

Both Bush and Cheney have recently attacked their Democratic critics, pointing out that many of them voted in favor of the war. Well, yes, that's true, but they also based their decisions to do so on intelligence supplied by the White House. The question at hand is whether that intelligence was honest, or if only the intelligence backing the Bush Administration's accusations was passed along to the Congress while contradictory information was conveniently left out.

But forget about the intelligence for a moment. That's almost beside the point, because there's an even more important issue that's being overlooked in this debate: What the hell went wrong with the post-war planning? There were plenty of people saying--even before the war began--that more troops would be needed to properly secure the country. Why were those voices ignored?

And before Cheney offers any more criticism of the anti-war critics, shouldn't he explain why the American troops weren't greeted with flowers?

President Bush has been in Asia for the past week. He paid visits to Japan, China, South Korea, and Mongolia.

Hmmm.... The war's been over for 30 years, and Bush STILL won't go to Vietnam!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Saturday, November 19, 2005

In another major setback for Bush, a major democratic congressional supporter of the war has now called for a withdrawal of American forces from Iraq. The congressman, John P. Murtha of Pennsylvania, says the troops are demoralized and poorly equipped. He went on to describe Bush's war as "a flawed policy wrapped in illusion."

Unlike many of his fellow Democrats, Murtha has the credentials to speak out on military matters. He served in the marines, and received two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star while in Vietnam. He later became the first Vietnam vet to be elected to Congress.

Republicans wasted no time in lashing out at Murtha. They predictably accused the Democrats of siding with terrorists. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said of Murtha's speech, "Murtha and Democratic leaders have adopted a policy of cut and run. They would prefer that the United States surrender to the terrorists who would harm innocent Americans."

Well, maybe so. But let's also keep in mind that there were no terrorists in Iraq until after the invasion.... And that Iraq had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks.... And that there were no Iraqis among the 19 hijackers.

Bush himself responded to Murtha's comments by calling politicians who dare question him and his policies "dishonest and reprehensible."

And Murtha had a wonderful response to that: "I like guys who got five deferments and [have] never been there and send people to war, and then don't like to hear suggestions about what needs to be done." He was referring to the fact that Cheney did not serve in the military (he received a deferment), and that Bush was an Air National Guardsman who did not leave the United States during the Vietnam War.

Remember those triple hotel bombings in Jordan last week? Among those killed was Moustapha Akkad. If the name rings a bell, that's because he produced the "Halloween" movies. Akkad's 34 year old daughter was also killed in the blasts.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Remember a couple of months ago when the Americans launched the big attack on Tall Afar to clean out the insurgents? Some colonel said at the time that the city was being used as a base of operations by foreigners coming across the border from Syria. "They come across the border and use Tall Afar as a base to launch attacks across northern Iraq," he said.

Well, after questioning over 1,000 prisoners, identifying the fighters killed, and conducting a number of other analyses, it has been determined that a grand total of--drumroll, please--NO foreign fighters were caught or killed.

Hmmm.... So much for the theory that foreigners were causing all the problems in Iraq.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Well, now Dick Cheney has lashed out at the growing chorus of Iraq war critics. He especially targeted Democratic Senators who had previously voted for the war, but are now opposing it. The Vice President accused them of trying to "rewrite history."

Huh? They're trying to rewrite history?!? What a load of camel crap!!!! Mr. Cheney forgets that this war was supposed to be about eliminating my weapons of mass destruction and severing my ties to Al Qaeda. It wasn't until it became apparent that I had NO WMD's or meaningful ties to Osama that the war suddenly became about spreading democracy across the middle east.

Before Cheney accuses someone else of rewriting the past, perhaps he should check his own diary.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

This is absolutely outrageous. Americans raided a defense ministry building run by the current Iraqi government and discovered 173 victims of torture. Most were malnourished, some showed physical signs of abuse, and one prisoner had even developed polio. The victims, who were Sunnis, were being held and abused by the Shiites running the facility!!

It once again demonstrates that the Americans don't have a clue about what's really going in Iraq, and that the current government is populated by thugs.

Such treatment of detainees runs against all accepted norms of international behavior, and violates a number of treaties. It is morally, spiritually, and legally reprehensible and completely indefensible. There is absolutely no way that such a thing can be justified. The Shiites responsible for this horror must be held to account for it.

Granted, we Sunnis used to do the exact same thing to the Shiites when I was in charge, but that was okay.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Did you hear about this chick they arrested in Jordan? She's the wife of one of the suicide bombers that hit the hotels a few days ago. Turns out she was supposed to participate as well, except her explosives-laden vest failed to blow up.

Now that's gotta be humiliating. You're given one task: Go blow yourself up. That should be fairly simple, shouldn't it? And quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to read that she's Iraqi! The article doesn't say, but my guess is that she's a Shiite. Those morons can't do anything right.

I would love to talk to her. Maybe dinner and a movie. Coffee afterwards. Then I'd walk her to her door and sneak a kiss. And if she doesn't slap the crap out of me at that point, I guess we'll both engage in a little, er, "horizontal action," if you catch my drift.

Remind me to get the hell out of there before she achieves an "explosive" orgasm, though.

And what's her motive, anyway? Male martyrs blow themselves up in an effort to spend eternity with those 72 virgins (and I'm assuming every suicide bomber gets a fresh set of virgins). But what about the female bombers? What are they hoping for? To spend eternity with 72 male virgins? How much fun can that be, getting stuck with some 15 year old kid who'll have to go home early to finish his homework? Besides, if a woman wants to sleep with 72 guys, doesn't that make her a slut? And aren't sluts denied access to paradise?

Seems like a regular catch 22 to me.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Needless to say, I chortled with glee when Lewis Libby was indicted by that grand jury a few weeks ago. But even at the time, I doubted if he was the one really responsible for leaking the name of that CIA operative.

Now new information is beginning to surface that increasingly suggests Vice President Dick Cheney as being the mastermind behind the whole thing, and Libby is merely taking the fall for him.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Investigators have found that the three suicide bombers that hit that country a few days ago were all non-Jordanians.

It's like Pat Buchanan once said: Those damn foreigners are nothing but trouble.

Friday, November 11, 2005

I must confess to be somewhat ignorant. Just what is this "Al Qaeda in Iraq" group trying to prove, anyway? If they want to convince the Americans to go home so I can return to power and bring those uppity Shiites back under control, fine. Proceed. Go right ahead. Don't let me stop you.

But blowing people up in Jordan? How does that help my current situation? And killing Muslims at a wedding party!?!? What the f*ck is Zarqawi thinking? That is NOT the way to win over your fellow Muslims.

And I don't mean to belabor the point, but if Bush had kept after the guy who killed 3,000 Americans on 9/11, maybe Osama wouldn't still be on the loose and inspiring morons like Zarqawi.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A couple of days after my last appearance in that kangaroo court, the attorney for one of my co-defendants was killed. Now comes word that another lawyer associated with our defense was shot to death by gunmen yesterday, and a second one wounded.

How the hell are we supposed to get fair trials if our lawyers keep getting knocked off!?!

This country would be a hell of a lot safer if someone--anyone--were in charge.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Today's lesson, boys and girls and--yes--stinkin' infidels, is about the importance of timing.

Good timing is a wonderful thing. It enables soccer players to score points by kicking the ball at just the right moment to get it past defenders. It enables you to score with a babe when you slip your arm around her during a scary scene while watching "Scream XXIV." And it enables despots to elude United Nations inspectors by constantly moving their illegal arms from one location to another.... Though, of course, I wouldn't know anything about that.

And as an example of bad timing, let's say you're the President of the United States of America. You've just had a really bad week, with Supreme Court nominees coming under fire, aids being indicted, fresh allegations about manipulating intelligence to justify a war, revelations that the CIA is running secret prisons around the world, and polls showing that 65% of the American public would rather walk everywhere than buy a used car from you.

So in an effort to regain the moral high ground, you announce that the United States does NOT torture its prisoners. No sooner do you this, and what happens? Fresh allegations that army Rangers punched and kicked detainees in Iraq.

Yup, it's all about the timing.

Evidence that the Bush Administration intentionally distorted intelligence continues to mount. The latest smoking gun to surface is a document prepared by American military intelligence in early 2002. It warned that a suspect who had been supplying information on Iraq's ties to Al Qaeda had been lying. Yet Bush went public with the man's accusations to justify the upcoming invasion of Iraq, and Colin Powell also cited the same information when he gave his presentation at the United Nations.

And I'm the one about to go on trial?!?!?!?!?!

Monday, November 07, 2005

The riots in France continue to worsen, and have now claimed their first life. The unrest began almost two weeks ago when three Muslim youths were fleeing police. They apparently decided that climbing into an electrical substation filled with cables carrying thousands of volts would be a good way to hide. What seemed like a good idea quickly went south, however, and two of them were killed. The third survived with serious burns.

France does not deserve this. I have been friends with Jacques Chirac for a long time, and on occasion we have even shared wine and hookers. And when Bush was clamoring to invade me three years ago, Chirac was a voice of moderation. For my fellow Muslims to treat their host country--a country which went out of its way to help me evade UN sanctions--this way is outrageous and just plain ill-mannered. It's even worse than eating with your elbows on the table.

And quite frankly, whose fault is it that these youths got themselves electrocuted? I mean, I had some close calls during the nine months the Americans were looking for me, but I never climbed onto high tension wires to elude them! Perhaps it's just the wisdom that comes with age, but I realized that doing that would be an incredibly bad idea.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Friday, November 04, 2005

As if Bush doesn't already have enough problems, now comes word that the CIA has a secret prison in eastern Europe. Oh, and the best part is that this jail is actually an old Soviet era facility, which makes the whole story positively reek of irony.

This is in violation of all sorts of human rights treaties, and now the European Union has launched an investigation into the allegations.

I just hope they don't stick Bush in the same cell with me.

In what can only be described as good news, President Bush's approval ratings in the United States continue to sink faster than the Titanic.

According to the latest survey by The Washington Post and ABC News, only 39% of his fellow citizens approve of his job performance while 60% disapprove. Even worse, only 40% of Americans view Bush as "honest and trustworthy," while 58% doubt his integrity.

Wow.... Bush's poll numbers are almost as bad as my own!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Perhaps due to some sort of unprecedented genetic mutation, Democracts in the United States Senate have suddenly developed enormous cojones and finally stood up to the Republican majority. In a rarely used move, they have forced the chamber into a rare closed session and are demanding an investigation into the reasons the U.S. invaded Iraq.

Their move was prompted by last week's indictment of that Lewis "Scooter" Libby guy who, with Vice President Cheney, was one of the principle architects of the war. Many view that indictment as merely the tip of an iceberg, and that further investigation will reveal the Bush Administration deliberately misled the American public into the war.

So when do I get my pardon?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005