Friday, February 17, 2006

Some time ago I joined Netflix, and initially I was quite happy with the results. After watching, say, "Guerrillas in the Mist," I'd stick it in the mail and within two days I would receive my next movie. But then after a while I began to notice that the turnaround time was increasing. I had blamed the lag on poor mail service, which seemed to make sense. After all, if the stupid infidels can't keep the electricity on, how can they possibly be expected to deliver the mail in a timely fashion, especially when insurgents keep kidnapping and beheading the mailman?

But now I have come to find out that the sudden sub-standard service is no accident. It's actually a very deliberate ploy by the people at Netflix called "throttling." They will do that with people who watch their movies too quickly. You see, the faster you watch your movies and return them, the more movies they have to send out to you every month. And since the postage costs them 78 cents per DVD, overly active accounts can start eating into their profit margins. So what do those weasels at Netflix do? They increase the turn around time on their movies. That way you end up watching fewer movies, and they end up paying less in postage!

Turns out that's what happened to me. Especially since I kept boycotting my trial so often, I was finding myself with a lot of spare time to watch movies. And since I was getting the discs back in the mail literally within hours of receiving them, Netflix decided to "throttle" me. And believe me, I do NOT enjoy being throttled. In fact, the last guy who tried to throttle me in the shower ended up impaled on a bathroom fixture.

When I take over the United States under the terms of my out of court settlement for wrongful invasion, my second order of business will be to march right over to Netflix headquarters and put a stop to this nonsense. If I'm going to pay $17.99 a month to have three movies out at any given time, they had better be prepared to live up to their end of the bargain. I shouldn't be penalized for watching too many movies.

Oh, you're wondering about my first order of business? Revoking Dick Cheney's hunting license. The guy's a menace to humanity.