It gives me great joy whenever I see despotism and oppression spreading to another country like a beacon of darkness in the light of day.... Or whatever the hell I just said.

Quite frankly, Vladimer Putin had me worried for a while. He was genuinely toying with democracy and freedom for a while. That's a dangerous combination, and it can easily cost a national leader his job. His announcement that he is suspending the free election of local governors is certainly a step in the right direction, and shows that he's finally coming to his senses.

Of course, President Bush immediately had to step in with some comic relief, and he was absolutely hilarious!! In case you missed it, Bush said that Putin "must uphold the principles of democracy."

Um, excuse me, and please forgive me if I'm wrong on this point, but doesn't one of those so-called "principles of democracy" say that the guy with the MOST votes wins?

So then why isn't Al Gore President?

What day is it? Monday? That means my favorite show is on tonight. No, no, I'm not talking about Terrorist Eye for the Infidel Guy. I meant my OTHER favorite show, Labor and Materials.

Every week they go to someone's bombed out house and rebuild it. They film the entire process, and it's actually quite surprising how good the show is.

Then after they're done, a film crew from "World's Wildest Car Bombs" shows up and blows up the house again!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Actually, I was just kidding about that last part. Well, MOSTLY kidding.....

Anyway, the show is hosted by some 29 year old chick named Shaima Emad Zubair. Quite frankly, I've always been intrigued by women who know how to wield power tools. I wonder if she would let me plug mine in?

I was referring to my belt sander, you frikkin' perverts!!!

When I get out of here, I plan to track her down. From what I've heard, a number of my palaces are in serious need of remodeling.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelpia Inquirer

My head hurts. Of course, that's to be expected since I've been beating my head against the bars of my cell ever since I heard this latest little tidbit of news.

The infidel congress of America passed a resolution marking the third anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Now that's all fine and noble. I would have no problem with the move IF it had only stopped there. But, of course, it didn't.

The resolution notes that "since the United States was attacked" on 9/11, "it has led an international military coalition in the destruction of two terrorist regimes in Afghanistan and Iraq."

Excuse me? That kind of makes it sound like I was somehow behind those attacks! And I thought it had been settled a long time ago that I had absolutely nothing to do with it! Even that 9/11 Commission pointed out that it had found no connection between Al Qaeda and me. So why do some people continue to insist that I did?

Granted, I'm a tyrant. And yes, I ran a reasonably brutal dictatorship. And true, I loved to occasionally engage in the mass slaughter of Shiites and Kurds, but who doesn't? Besides, what I do in the confines of my own borders is my own damn business! I mean, have I ever told the United States how to run an election? No, of course not!!

Though lord knows someone should!

Ah, but we are talking about Republicans, though, aren't we? Not only do they go poking into what goes on behind closed borders, they want to dictate what goes on peoples' closed bedroom doors, too!!! So I suppose I really shouldn't be all that shocked.

Here's the best part: The guy who wrote this resolution, Henry Hyde of Illinois, actually said in response to the critics, "there is a direct connection between the war in Iraq and the bombing of Sept. 11."

The people running the damn country have the collective IQ of a sand fly. Is it any wonder the United States is so royally screwed up?

So what's the big surprise? I've already said that I called Johnny Cochran. What do you think I am, a fool? I mean, if Cochran can get frikkin' O.J. Simpson acquited, he can get ANYONE acquited!!

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

As you know, I am always out to provide my vast legions of loyal readers--as well as the occasional passers by who probably also like to stop and stare at car wrecks--with new features and services on my site. In keeping with that desire, I have added a countdown feature which will track the days till two important events. You can find this new addition on the left of the screen, immediately above my large throbbing poll but below the Iraq War cost counter.

Now some of you may be saying, "Why Saddam, that is certainly big news! Are you privy to secret, inside information, and do you have any other large throbbing poles we can play with?"

No, I am not privy to such things. However, the events of the last 18 months or so have left me somewhat cynical and bitter about the world in which we live. So it wouldn't surprise me one bit if bin Laden were to be suddenly "found" four days before America's presidential election.

As to the second part of your inquiry: If you are a woman--preferably attractive with shaved armpits (though at this point I'm willing to take anything)--visiting hours are 5-8 P.M. weeknights, and 2-8 P.M. on weekends.

If you are a man, call the Governor of New Jersey.

Have you been following the progress of that Cassini spacecraft orbiting Saturn? It's returning very interesting information to the infidel scientists in charge of it.

For example, the NASA people had expected to find evidence of frozen water on the planet's moon, Titan. But instead of being covered with smooth ice, its surface is jagged, with large cracks and jagged ridges. And they're also not finding the expected evidence of liquid methane or clouds of ammonia.

---------------Oliphant

Hmmm.... The Americans seem to have a real habit of not finding what they're looking for!

---------------Marshall Ramsey, The Clarion Ledger

Any bets on whether Bush will declare "Bring 'em on" during his acceptance speech on Thursday?

You've probably heard by now that the Bush campaign created something of a controversy when it referred to the Olympics in its advertising. It uses a clip of the President telling an audience, "At this Olympics there will be two more free nations--and two fewer terrorist regimes." The problem, however, is that the Olympics and politics is forbidden. Not to mention that crap about me cavorting with known terrorists! I thought that had been discredited by now, but apparently not.

But the best part about this story is the Iraqi puppet soccer team's reaction. One player, a Salih Sadir, said that "Iraq as a team does not want Mr. Bush to use us for the presidential campaign. He can find another way to advertise himself."

But the best quote came from player Ahmed Manajid: "I want to defend my home. If a stranger invades America and the people resist, does that mean they are terrorists? ... Everyone [in Falluja] has been labeled a terrorist. These are all lies. Falluja people are some of the best people in Iraq."

As much as I appreciate their comments, I am also somewhat suspicious of them. These men probably see the handwriting on the wall--assuming there are still any walls left that haven't been blown up by car bombs--and realize that I will soon be issued an apology and full pardon, at which point I will return to power. And when that happens, I'll be checking my list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice.

Yes, in a way I suppose that is kind of like what Santa does. But I'm betting jolly ol' Saint Nick doesn't go around publicly executing dissident elves.

Normally it pleases me when my many supporters throughout the world demonstrate on my behalf. Indeed, nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than hearing thousands of protesters chanting anti-American slogans in the streets of some European capital. And it positively brings a tear to my eye when some hooded anarchist burns the US flag. And the irony of it all just fills my heart with, um, well, irony. If any of these people had ever tried protesting against my regime in Iraq, they'd have ended up in Abu Ghraib faster than you can say "Death to the Great Satan and all the evil it represents, but we love those Air Jordan sneakers and Nike t-shirts!"

And keep in mind that when I ran that place, we engaged in only serious, classic torture. You know, stuff like pulling out fingernails with pliers, delivering electric shocks to prisoner's manly parts, etc. None of this gay porn crap the Americans were into. What the hell kind of movies do the infidels watch to come up with those kind of ideas? That's just sick.

---------------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

Anyway, my point is that I appreciate the gestures of support. However, I am finding the recent reports out of Greece somewhat disturbing. Apparently large groups of demonstrators have caused Colin Powell to cancel plans to attend the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but KNOCK IT OFF!!!!! Why are you protesting against Colin Powell? He is the only person in the Bush administration with a lick of common sense! He warned Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld that an occupation of Iraq would quickly turn ugly. But did they listen to him? No, of course not. Because those three had already made up their minds and didn't want to hear from anyone who disagreed with their rosy assessments of the future.

Granted, Powell did go before the United Nations and accuse me of some very nasty crimes, but that's okay. I'm sure he was forced to do that because President Cheney was threatening to ship Mrs. Powell and the kids off to Guantanomo Bay. I know from personal experience that nothing motivates reluctant cabinet ministers more than threats against their families.

But I can certainly understand the urge to vent frustration against America, so do what I do: Find yourselves a high quality Xerox machine--Oh, wait.... Is the term "Xerox" trademarked? Probably is, and I certainly wouldn't want to get myself into legal trouble....

So Find yourselves a high quality generic COPIER (Canon makes the best ones (HAHAHA)), drop your pants, sit on the machine, and make a quality image (spring for full color if you can afford it) of your hairy pimple-ridden tuckus. Then fax that to the White House.

And just for laughs, sign it Texas Guard Veterans for Truth.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

According to this latest news item, things in Najaf may be about to come to a head.

Puppet Prime Minister Ayad Allawi is issuing yet another final ultimatum to Muqtada al-Sadr and his wacko followers still holed up in that shrine, warning that unless they immediately lay down their arms, then another ultimatum warning of dire consequences may be forthcoming. This could, in turn, lead to an final ultimatum followed by, quite possibly, another absolutely, positively no more ultimatums after this ultimatum. Both sides are currently in negotiations over the exact wording of the next ultimatum, which may or may not be the last one.

What's next? A bunch of "final chances?"

Personally, I think it would be easier to just gas the whole bunch of 'em.



(Thanks to Solar for the link.)

Everyone's a whiner....

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Stunning news out of Oslo, Sweden. Or maybe it's Norway. Then again, Oslo could be in Finland. Not that it really matters, though. No one can tell those three apart anyway.

Masked gunmen burst into an art museum and stole Edvard Munch's "The Scream" and Madonna. What the hell is this world coming to, when armed hoodlums can just stroll into respected Swedish art museums--though it could also be respected Norwegian or Finnish art museums--and walk out with famous paintings? What the hell is that about? It's not like we're talking about the Baghdad Museum of Antiquities, which was left wide open to looters because the Americans invaded me with insufficient forces to secure as much as a frikkin' gas station.

No, this particular outrage happened not in the Middle East, but in a civilized part of the world, right next to Scandinavia.... Or maybe it's next to Denmark.... Possibly Holland.... Though it could also be next to the Netherlands. Maybe even Belgium. Doesn't really matter, though. No one can tell them apart either.

Now as far as Madonna is concerned, who cares? She's getting kind of old and probably developing cellulite by now. But if it were Britney Spears, well, then that would be a different matter.

But "The Scream?" That's a world famous painting. What the hell are they going to do with it? Sell it on eBay? It's not like you can hang that one on your living room wall and no one will notice it.

Changing the subject just a bit, what's going on with the Americans' so-called "Dream Team?" They just lost ANOTHER basketball game, this time to Lithuania! Or maybe it was Latvia. Possibly Estonia. No one can tell those three apart anyway.

The Americans are NBA players, for crying out loud!! How can they lose to farmers from Lithuania.... Or Latvia.... Or Estonia? I mean, the Americans invented the damn game!!! Michael Jordan needs to come out of retirement again to straighten these guys out.

And I'll tell you something else right now: If Uday were still around, and he had been coaching the Americans, they would NEVER have lost. Uday knew how to motivate a sports team!

---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Does anyone know what the hell is going on in Najaf? First Muqtada al-Sadr is surrendering, then he's not, and then the militants are coming out, and then they're still in there, and then the Iraqi puppet police are in control, and then they're not, And then Sadr is disarming, and then he's not, and then Nicky Hilton gets married, and a week later she still is, and then aliens have landed and made contact with earthlings, and then they haven't....

The whole thing is very, VERY confusing, and it only serves to point out what I've been saying all along: The only thing those damn Shiites understand is Sarin.

I would loan the Americans some, but gosh, I don't seem to have any of that stuff any more!



P.S.
Since I'm Saddam, I reserve the right to go back and occasionally edit old posts. Any objections?

I didn't think so.

Now a Republican congressman has come out against the invasion of my country. In a letter to his contitients.... constitutionis.... his subjects, Doug Bereuter of Nebraska says the war is a "costly mess." He goes on to say that the United States' reputation around the world has suffered greatly.

This is a truly bold move by Congressman Bereuter, and I admire his cajones. Of course, if a member of my government ever broke ranks with me like that, well, it wouldn't have been pretty. There would have been electrodes, torture, fingernails being pulled, lots of screaming, splattering blood, etc. Of course, since Mr. Bush is running a democracy with freedom of speech, he can't do any of that.

So you see, being a despot has its advantages!

---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

________________________________________________

As many of you already know, I am multitalented. In addition to being a widely respected dictator hellbent on world domination, I have musical aspirations as well.

Here's my latest composition. Oh, and just like Enya, I play all my own instruments!

I am experiencing quite a dilemma.

As you know I absolutely despise Shiites. They're good for absolutely nothing except target practice. Yet I must admit a begrudging admiration for Muqtada al-Sadr, who has proven himself to be quite a thorn in the Americans' side. Plus, there have been allegations he knocked off a rival cleric last year, so maybe the guy isn't all that bad after all.

Most importantly, Najaf is getting the holy crap pounded out of it. I mean, look at this photo!! Quite frankly, I don't think I could have done a better job myself!!

What? That's NOT a photo of Najaf!?! That's Florida!?! Well, why would Bush be bombing Florida? Did they screw up the election again, but this time in his opponent's favor? Never mind. I don't pretend understand the democratic process, and I hope I never do. Tyrannical rule is much simpler.

Anyway, my point is that I'm thoroughly enjoying what's happening with al-Sadr. The beauty of current situation is that there is no way the Americans can win this thing in the court of Arab public opinion. And if al-Sadr is killed, then he becomes a martyr not only in the eyes of his supporters, but in the hearts of everyone in the middle East.

On the other hand, if the Americans back off, then al-Sadr ends up winning a major victory! That, in turn, will only encourage further resistance to the occupying forces.

In the meantime, innocents will continue to die and carbombs will continue to explode. And with each subsequent incident, people will only come to further miss the good old days when I was running things!! Yeah, sure, occasionally my security forces would kick in the front door and drag someone's screaming relative off to prison, never to be seen again. But at least people could walk their dogs without having to worry about getting blown to bits in a drive-by bombing.

Plus, people knew what to expect in my prisons! Good old fashioned physical torture and a slow agonizing death! None of this foolishness about getting stripped naked while pregnant infidel women point at your naughty bits!!!

A number of you have asked me how I feel about the Iraqi soccer team's victory over Portugal the other day.

Let me first say that I'm not much of a sports fan. I'm usually too busy oppressing someone, or hitting on Arab chicks with hairy armpits in bars, or ordering chemical weapon attacks on the Shiites. Um, what I mean is, I WOULD be busy ordering chemical weapon attacks, IF I actually had any, which I don't. Not me. No sirree. Uh-uh. No way.

Although I'm sure the US would love to have some WMD's right about now to help clean up Najaf. But more on that later....

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

As far as the motivation of sports teams is concerned, that was always Uday's specialty. He enjoyed hanging around men's lockerrooms, and coaching gave him the perfect excuse.

But as far as this current Iraqi soccer team is concerned, keep in mind that they don't count. They're not the real Iraqi soccer team.

They're merely the puppet Iraqi soccer team.

The Washington Post's editor's have been flogging themselves over their blind belief in the Bush Administration's wild rantings about my weapons of mass of destruction. But why? Do these people also stop and listen and carefully take notes when they encounter some wacko homeless guy on a street corner, pushing his worldly possessions along in a shopping cart, as he wildly flails his arms and rants about the alien mind control device implanted in his skull?

But now these Post bigwigs admit that a few reporters wrote stories questioning some of the intelligence, but those stories ended being buried on page A-18 next to the JC Penney lingerie ads.

Look guys, I appreciate your attempts to correct your past mistakes, but it's kinda late now, ain't it? I mean, thousands of people have died because some dyslexic idiot couldn't tell the difference between IraQ and IraN, my country is in ruins--even more so than when I was running it--and instability is spreading throughout the middle east, and NOW you're finally saying "Oopsies!"

It's understandable. Mistakes happen. Now stop torturing yourselves over it.

I'll do that myself when I get out of here.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

I continue to be vexed by the Bush Administration's double standards. For example, you remember how he branded my humble little peace-loving paradise of a nation as a "rogue state," and used that as a justification to launch his surprise attack, of which I had absolutely no warning? Just what is a "rogue state," anyway? A country that doesn't quite fit into international standards of normal behavior? And who's to say that Iraq wasn't merely an "eccentric state," a kind of nation-sized version of your eccentric uncle Fred, who likes hanging out at playgrounds in his trenchcoat? And what about Han Solo? Wasn't he a "lovable rogue?" How come Bush isn't condemning him? And if Han really is as tough as he pretends to be, how come he isn't kicking George Lucas' ass for destroying the Star Wars franchise with those last two sequels, or prequels, or whatever the hell they're called?

Now you may be wondering where I'm going with this. Go ahead, raise your hands if you think ol' Saddam has finally cracked..... WOW!!! There's a lot of you, isn't there? Well, let me just jot down your IP addresses, and I'll be over to pay you a visit as soon as I'm outta here.

Anyway, the reason I raise this issue is that I just came across this article about rogue waves that can threaten international shipping. These are 100 foot tall monster walls of water that can occur either during storms, or even in calm seas, and swamp a ship. Satellite imagery has demonstrated that these are a REAL threat, as opposed to the make believe fantasy threat that I posed to the world!!

So why isn't Bush out there bombing the damn ocean?

---------------Bill Schorr, United Media

I remember the firestorm of controversy that erupted a year and a half ago when the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines made her anti-Bush comment in London. She created quite an uproar among the groups' conservative fans, and many radio stations went as far as to ban their songs.

Well, that was now and this is then. No wait.... I mean THAT was THEN and THIS is NOW!! Not only have the views of the Dixie Chicks been vindicated, but many other musicians are now climbing aboard the anti-Bush bandwagon. Now I'm not sure what a bandwagon is in America, but around these parts, it's a traditional Bedouin mode of transportation pulled by camels.

But I digress....

The Dixie Chicks will be joining the "Vote for Change" concert tour. Other musicians included in the 20 city tour are Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne, and members of Pearl Jam. Their effort is specifically intended to oust to oust Bush by raising $44 million for John Kerry.

Needless to say, I would love to join them. No, no, that's not just wishful thinking on my part. I'm a serious musician, although my duties as a world renown despot often came before my rock and roll showmanship.

In fact, Natalie and I came out with a CD of duets in the spring of 2003. But alas, after she opened her yap that night in London, no radio station in America would even touch the album, and its sales went straight down the toilet.

Anyway, we've already talked about working together again just as soon as I get out of this joint. We're going to do an album of nothing but classic Captain & Tennile love songs.

And no free downloads!!! I need the cash.

---------------Mike Keefe, Denver Post

________________________________________________

Wonderful news!!! I think my day of freedom just got a little bit closer!!

Remember that fat f*ck, Ahmad Chalabi? He's the lying sack of camel crap that convinced the Americans I had WMD's, and that their armies would be greeted as liberators. Of course, that doesn't mean this war is entirely his fault; after all, he still had to find a United States President, Vice President, and Secretary of Defense STUPID enough to believe him.

Then a couple of months ago Chalabi was accused of giving sensitive information to the Iranians. That had to be just a bit embarrassing for the Americans. But today his sordid tale got even better!!

Now comes word that the temporary puppet government of Iraq has issued a warrant for his arrest. Apparently he was caught with a whole sh*tload of counterfeit dinars in his house!! And if that's not bad enough, a separate warrant has been issued for Salem Chalabi, Ahmad's nephew. No, not for anything stupid like counterfeiting. Nope. Salem's warrant is for murder!!!! And it was Salem, you may recall, who was the SOB in charge of the tribunal that was going to try me for.... MURDER!!! Well, okay, technically there are several hundred thousand counts of murder against me compared to Salem's one, but still, it looks bad.

I mean, let's face it: Salem Chalabi trying me for murder would be almost as absurd as, oh, George Bush attacking John Kerry's war record!!!

Further proving that I was right all along, the illegally installed puppet regime currently trying to do a pathetic imitation of running a country has reinstalled the death penalty in Iraq. However, they are stressing that it will be MUCH more rarely used than when I was running things.

Well, fine, but I think you're going to start seeing people spitting on the sidewalks again.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

________________________________________________

Those sniveling cowards in Kuwait have banned Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 911. They're upset that the movie insults the Saudi Royal family, and is opposed to the invasion of my country.

Oddly enough, however, they didn't ban Harold and Kumar Go to an Afghan Terror Training Camp Secretly Funded by the Saudi Royal Family and Learn how to Steer a Plane.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

Some of you may recall that back on July 22 I cited the story of the missing jogger in Utah. And before any other details were known, I predicted that the husband did it.

Usually I enjoy always being right.

This, however, was not one of those times.

As you've probably heard, the Infidel States of America has Washington, New York, and Newark, New Jersey under a Code Orange terror alert. You know what I find wildly amusing about this? If Bush hadn't wasted all that time--and all those resources--invading Iraq and chasing me around, they probably would have caught bin Laden by now!!! After all, he's the guy who killed who killed 3000 Americans on 9/11, not me!

That's the sad truth about the present situation: If bin Laden had been the one caught last December, the current Code Orange alert would not have been necessary and--even more importantly--I'd be sipping cognac next to my pool in Tikrit. Instead I'm sitting in a jail cell in Qatar sipping rancid water next to a metal toilet while guards walk by and point at my genitals.

With admiration, no doubt.

And why is Newark on that list of potential targets? I mean, who the hell would want to attack frikkin' Newark!?!?! How would you even tell the difference afterwards!?!?!

I've made a few minor changes on the site. First of all, I added a "Best of Saddam" section. You may either click the link near the top of the page, or scroll down to near the bottom. They're in chronological order according by date. The listed entries were selected by a highly impartial panel: Me. Well, originally, there 12 other people, but they kept offering suggestions that I didn't entirely agree with.

I'm sure they will receive decent burials.

Also, I finally found a weather feed for Iraq that works. It's at the top of the left hand column. Unfortunately, it's the conditions for Basra and not Baghdad, but who cares? If you've seen one frikkin' desert, you've seen 'em all.

My polls, which I offer in order to pretend I care what you think, are now ad free. Feel free to click on to them without being bombarded by half a dozen pop-ups.

If you're a Blogspot user and have extra gmail invitations on hand, you may donate them to the American troops. Now some of you may wonder why I'm doing such a nice thing. That's a legitimate question, and if you wish to press your luck further, you are most welcome to join the 12 members of my aforementioned "Best Of" committee. Oh, and bring your own shovel.

And one final note to you Blogspotters: As you are no doubt aware, Blogger has now begun offering its own commenting system. And if you're anything like me, you enjoy periodically gassing your neighbors, in addition to wondering how this new commenting feature works. And if you're NOTHING like me, you're probably still wondering how it works even though you're a pathetic wuss of an infidel.

Well, I finally found a site (and no, that link does NOT take you to a porn site, you simple minded pervert. Now pull your pants back up) that uses the new commenting feature, and quite frankly, it sucks. The first click only displays the comments already posted, and you need to click a second time if you want to leave one yourself. Plus, unless you want to leave an anonymous comment, you need to sign in with your user name. And if you're not already a Blogspot user, you need to sign up.

Frankly, that stinks. That's the kind of egotistical ploy you would expect from the French. If you're anything like me, you enjoy shooting Shiites for the hell of it, in addition to signing your work when you leave threatening remarks on the sites of rabid right wing bloggers who continue to believe Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are military genuises.

So follow the example of your Uncle Saddam and hide in a seven foot deep hole when 600 enemy troops looking to kick your ass suddenly show up in your backyard, and stick with Haloscan for your comments.

You know, I was kind of missing my Minister of Information's ridiculous pronouncements. But then I started thinking about it....

---------------From an Email

I know there has been a lot of snickering going on behind my back about my alleged poetry writing. And that's okay! Really! I'm well aware of who's been making snide comments, and I've been recording your IP addresses. In fact, I just emailed the list to the Committee of Planning and Follow-up. They will be in touch with you shortly.

As for the rest of you who aren't suddenly fleeing for your lives, I thought I would share one of my poems with you:

They call me Beast of Baghdad.
They're hurtful and they're snide --
But that's because they've never seen
My sweet, poetic side.
Sure, I authorized some floggings,
And gassed to death some foes,
But I'm hoping now to show the world
The Saddam that no one knows.
This Saddam is filled with anguish
For all things mean and bad.
I weep for mankind's pain -- in fact,
My name begins with Sad.
My pen, it has a warhead
You thought I'd hidden weapons
And I admit I did, in part:
To warm the coldest heart.
Neither cell nor fetid rathole
Can still this plaintive wail.
I'll keep writing mush, I swear it
Till you get me outta jail.

Oh, and if anyone tries to tell you that was actually written by a some guy named Gene Weingarten, don't listen to them.

Have you seen that music video of John Kerry and George Bush singing "This Land Is Your Land?" Well, if you haven't, you must be living under a rock. Not that there's anything wrong that. I lived under Iraq for a while, and it wasn't too bad. A little cramped, perhaps, whenever the Dixie Chicks came over, but that's what made their visits all the more interesting.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

A number of you have expressed concern about the condition of my prostate. First of all, let me say that I am touched that you worry about me so. Secondly, let me say that if you go anywhere near my prostate, I will personally rip your heart out of your thoracic cavity and feed it to these rats that keep scampering around my cell.

A man's prostate is a highly personal--and EXTREMELY private--organ. It basically goes to the heart of our masculinity, so don't expect us to be dropping trou and bending over for every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along.

I remember years ago when I first went in for a physical. I had never had one, so of course I had no idea what to expect. So the doctor eventually got to the point where he asked my to bend over. Well, as I said, I had no idea what was going on, so did as requested. The next thing I know, he's probing the planet next to Saturn, except it wasn't Uranus, it was MINE!!! Needless to say, I shot the doctor right there in the examining room.

So the next day I went back to finish the physical with a different doctor, and sure enough, the same thing happened. Well, this went on for several more cycles, until by the end of the week when I was almost out of bullets--and doctors.

Fortunately that was when I encountered Dr. Habib, who went to great lengths to explain everything he was doing, and precisely what was involved along the way. I was greatly appreciative of his compassion and candor, and felt totally comfortable as he completed his exam.

Then I shot the sorry son of a bitch.

In an amazing discovery, scientists have found a new species of worm living 9000 feet below the surface of the ocean. They live off the bones of dead whales, and range in size from an inch to just over two inches. Think about that for a moment: They were able to find something only slightly bigger than Bill O'Reilly's penis almost two kilometers underwater!!

And yet no one can find a single WMD in Iraq!!!

By now I'm sure all of you have have had a chance to look through the 9/11 Commission's report and convince yourselves of my innocence, regardless of what the fools on Fox News may say.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

The report concluded that while there was NO operational relationship between Iraq and Al Qaeda, there were plenty of links between Iran and the terror group.

Attention President Bush: Note the difference in spelling between Iraq and Iran. Please make a note to yourself to doublecheck for spelling errors the next time you're thinking about invading someone.
---Love, Saddam

Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat with you people, but I need to go get some sleep. My cellblock is going for the world record in "Naked Human Pyramid Building" later this morning.

Longtime readers will remember that I have addressed the issue of how George Lucas continues to destroy the Star Wars franchise with those ill conceived sequels of his. Unfortunately, I am currently in no position to do anything about it, except to say that if he screws up the next one, his testicles will be mine.

Um, I mean that in a totally non-sexual way, of course. I don't play both sides of the sand dune, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, it has just been announced that the title of the sixth movie, which is actually only the third movie in the six movie trilogy, will be Revenge of the Sith.

As I recall, the original title for "Return of the Jedi" was "Revenge of the Jedi." However, fans objected, pointing out that the Jedi are a bunch of pansies who would never fall for such a base emotion as revenge. Consequently, the title was changed.

So I find it interesting that Lucas would come up with something like "Revenge of the Sith." On the other hand, I suppose it can be argued that the Sith, since they have already joined the Dark Side, are susceptible to such petty temptations as vengeance. Plus, the Dark Side is believed to posses powerful weapons of mass destruction, and it's up to the Jedi to prevent their use.

Yeah, right. And those stupid Jedi probably also believe they'll be greeted as liberators.

________________________________________________

Previous Star Wars related entries: August 21, 2003 (Entry 1); August 21 (Entry 2); August 27; September 4.

________________________________________________

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Now don't go getting the wrong idea about me, because I still don't give a camel's ass what you people think, okay? That's why I'm a dictator. We dictate. When we dictators say "jump," you worthless subjects say "How high?" Understand? Dictators dictate, hence the term "dictator."

I bring up the obvious only because I have added a new poll. It's on left side of your monitor, and it is strictly there for your own personal amusement while you surf the net looking for new and interesting porn sites. The results of this poll will in no way influence the policies and/or decisions of any future Saddam Hussein run government.

Now pull your pants back up and take the poll.

A supplier of chickens to KFC, which is a chain of restaurants serving fried chicken in America, has been accused of killing the birds by stomping on them, throwing them against walls, and kicking them. The story was exposed through a hidden camera snuck into the plant by PETA.

If true, this is horrible news and those responsible should be severely punished. While I am no vegetarian, mainly because vegetables don't grow very well in the middle of a frikkin' desert, I nonetheless feel that the animals we use for food should be killed in a swift, humane manner. Needlessly prolonging the killing process, and senselessly beating them to death in a long drawn out process for one's own personal amusement is not only morally reprehensible, but beyond any possible excuse. It is certainly no way to treat precious livestock.

I mean, it's not like they're Shiites.

Hey, wait a minute!! Aren't they asking the wrong guy that question!?!

---------------Chan Lowe, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Now I'm no detective, though I did once play one on Iraqi TV. There was initially some debate about that, but after I executed the first three program directors, the matter was pretty well settled in my favor.

Anyway, I'm predicting that the husband did it.

Did you hear what happened to Linda Ronstadt in Vegas? During her concert at the Aladdin Hotel she called Michael Moore a great American patriot, and urged audience members to go see Fahrenheit 9/11. However, the crowd didn't seem to take too kindly to her suggestion. They not only booed her remarks, but they began ripping posters off the walls, throwing cocktails into the air, and performing human sacrifices.

There is nothing scarier than rioting Republicans.

Well, except maybe a heavily armed horde of 120,000 infidels pouring across your borders, but that's besides the point.

---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Have you heard the latest? Iran aided the 9/11 hijackers!! Oh, there's no evidence just yet that the Iranians were directly involved in the planning and execution of the attacks, BUT they did give free passage to the participants as they traveled in and out of Afghanistan.

So I ask you once again, my dear readers, why it's MY country that's being occupied, why it's MY people that are having freedom and democracy shoved down their throats, and why I'M the one who's sitting in a stinkin' jail cell!?!?!

Wait.... I know what happened! Bush can't spell!!!! That's it!!!! Someone gave him a memo or something saying Iran was involved, and he thought it said Iraq!!! So he sent his army after poor little ol' me while those Shiite Ayotollahs across the border were laughing their asses off!!!

That's why I never really had a serious problem with Clinton. The man was a Rhodes Scholar, and he knew how to operate a dictionary. But then Bush come in, whose idea of a major literary work is "My Pet Goat," and suddenly I'm getting blamed for everything that goes wrong in this crazy mixed up world of ours.

Anyway, I have it on good authority that Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are already conferring with one another about invading Iran.

Cheney's the bald one in the middle.

Archeologists in Crete have uncovered 50 ancient tombs, possibly as old as 1400 years. This is in addition to a hundred other graves found earlier.

How much do you want to bet Bush is going to try to pin those on me as well?

I just hope Jack and Rose are okay.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

You know how Bush is always saying that the invasion of my peace loving nation, which would never have harmed a fly (Well, okay, except Kuwait.... And the Iranians, but that's it.... Oh, right, and there were those Scuds we launched against Israel in '91, but that's REALLY it....Saudi Arabia? Oh, yeah, I guess we did fire a few Scuds at them too. But that's absolutely, positively it.... No, no, it's not fair to bring up the Kurds and Shiites.... Sure, I gassed them, but that was an internal domestic matter.... Besides, Kurds and Shiites are below flies on the evolutionary ladder, so they don't really count).... Um, now what the hell was I saying...?

Oh, right. Bush has repeatedly said that invading Iraq has made the world a safer place and created a more stable Middle East.

Well, obviously the man has a fertile imagination. Almost as fertile as the Fertile Crescent, which used to lie between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers until I built damns upstream and turned the whole area into a frikkin' desert. But again, that was an internal domestic matter intended to kill off the Marsh Arabs.

But it turns out all those foreign fighters that poured across my unsecured borders--unsecured because a certain American President who shall remain nameless didn't invade with enough troops--are now returning home to Saudi Arabia as hardened war veterans. And guess what? They're forming an underground army to launch attacks against the Saudi government! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

As Mr. Bush has learned, irony can be a painful puppy when it sneaks up and bites you in the ass.

So Martha Stewart got five months in prison for stock fraud.

They better not try sticking her in here. I absolutely refuse to use doilies.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

I always look sharp! Just because one has been invaded, stripped of his power, and unjustly arrested by an unlawful occupying infidel force is no reason to let his appearance go to hell.

Both the Democrats and Republicans are allowing a limited number of bloggers to cover their conventions this summer. In deciding which bloggers will be invited to join the select few, officials from both parties will look at the size of the blog's audience and the "professionalism" of the site.

That certainly sounds fair enough.

So where's my invitation?

Have you been following this Ken Jennings fellow on Jeopardy!? He's the guy who's on the verge of becoming the show's first million dollar winner.

This has given me an idea: As you probably realize, my legal defense is going to cost a fortune.... Assuming, of course, the judge doesn't chicken out and dismiss the case. Wouldn't it be a hoot if he did, though? And Bush wouldn't be able to do anything about it since Iraq is now a sovereign country!

He'd probably end up choking on a pretzel if that happened. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

But I digress.... My point is that I should go on Jeopardy! and win money to fund my defense! How hard can it be? After all, that infidel fool Alex Trebeck gives you the damn answers at the beginning of each question. What the hell kind of stupid show is that!?!?

And even if I were to somehow fall behind, big deal! I'll just shoot the other contestants!

Now let me get this straight: People want to see me executed because I killed a bunch of Kurds, gassed loads of Shiites, and was just an all around mean person. Yet in Australia there are people calling for mercy for a killer shark!?!?! Their argument, certainly logical on its surface, is that the shark was only doing what comes naturally to sharks!

Well, duh!! I think everyone can agree that I was--and will be again--a ruthless, bloodthirsty tyrant. And killing innocents by the thousands is what comes naturally to ruthless bloodthirsty tyrants!

Is this a f*cked up world, or what?

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

By now I'm sure you've all heard of that Senate report which lists the Central Infidel Agency's blunders which led to the invasion of Iraq. Basically it accuses the CIA of "group think," and automatically working from the assumption that I had weapons of mass destruction. Rest assured that the next time I'm in court, I'm going to dramatically wave a copy of the report over my head, introduce it as "Defense Exhibit A," and slam it down on the table in front of the prosecutors.

Then I'll move for a mistrial.

---------------KAL, Baltimore Sun

What puzzles me about this latest indictment of the Bush Administration's policies is that many pundits are arguing about who the report hurts the most, the CIA or the President!

Uh, hello? There are currently 120,000 foreign troops in my country, more innocent Iraqis have died in the last 15 months than I ever killed in a single day, I'm sitting in a stinkin' jail cell without a gold toilet seat, and people want to argue who the CIA's incompetence hurt the most!?!?!

Personally I don't think that's anything to brag about....

A number of people have noted that I was quite defiant at my court appearance last week, like that is somehow surprising. Well, what did they expect? For me to break down on the stand, apologize for my past actions, and beg for forgiveness? And then maybe give some Shiite a manly hug?

Yeah, right.

This ain't Hollywood, pal. You're not going to catch anyone in the Middle East getting "in touch with their feelings." And we certainly aren't going to be hugging each other in raw displays of emotion.... Unless, of course, it's part of a clever ruse to stab your enemy in the back.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

So of course I was defiant in court! And I'll bet every one of you out there would be the same way if someone came along and tried to take what was rightfully yours.

Now I realize that some of you losers may not actually have your own countries which you rule with an iron hand, so let me put this in terms you can understand.

Let's say you wake up in the middle of the night, and you hear a strange noise downstairs. Perhaps it's glass breaking, or someone lifting the patio door off its tracks. Then you hear people rifling through your silverware drawers, or tearing your home entertainment center apart, or knocking over your collection of 5000 year old mesopotamian funeral urns. What are you going to do it? Hide under your sheets? Well, actually yeah, you probably would, you pathetic little infidel wimp.

But those of you with cajones would get up, grab a baseball bat, and head down the steps to see what the hell was going on. And when you see a couple of masked guys helping themselves to your valuables, your stereo components, and your collection of porn DVD's, you're going to take that baseball bat and start kicking some serious ass. Am I right, or am I right? Your only interest is going to be to hold on to the property you have rightfully plundered from Kuwait.

And you're not going to care that the burglars are George Bush and Dick Cheney.

I understand America always celebrates its independence with fireworks. Well, that's all fine and well by me.

But I do have to object when those fireworks propagate unfair stereotypes to further support the criminal invasion of my country. I speak, of course, of these Exploding Terrorists Heads brand pyrotechnics. They are absolutely outrageous!!!

Now if the Americans want to blow up Moammar, that's fine. He's long supported terrorists, and he has all but admitted to be responsible for the loss of Pan Am 103. Just be sure to leave his daughter out of this, as she's one of my lawyers.

Yasser Arafat? Oh, absolutely! Big time backer of terrorists! Blow him up, too!

Bin Laden? Hell, if you look up the word "terrorist" in the dictionary, his picture is right there next to the word. He is like the "uber terrorist." So yeah, blow him up all you like.

But me? How many times do I have to tell you people I'm NOT a frikkin' terrorist!!! And I don't have any "working relationships" with Al Qaeda!!! So leave me out of it! And will someone PLEASE tell Dick Cheney, too.

Now if you want to create an "Exploding Despots Heads" package of fireworks, fine, knock yourselves out. I have no objection to that, for it would be an accurate representation of my lifestyle. Or an "Exploding Tyrants Heads" line of sparklers would be fine, too. Or even an "Exploding Boodthirsty Ruthless Tyrants Who Slaughter Their Own People Heads" six pack of bottle rockets would be acceptable.

Just keep in mind that I'm registering these brand names and you'll owe me royalties.

Good news. Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has a daughter who is a law professor, and she is joining my legal team. Actually, Aicha Moammar Gadhafi be heading up an entire team of Libyan legal experts. So I'm feeling pretty good about my prospects.

Besides, I've been working on my legal strategy myself. No, no. No silly law books for me. I don't need to waste my time reading up on obscure international treaties and statutes forbidding genocide and the slaughter of defenseless civilians.

You see, back in the '80s, when the United States and I were all lovey-dovey, their state department used to send me tapes of my favorite infidel TV shows. And among those was LA Law. Why, I'll bet I've seen each episode a dozen times! And that's in addition to watching the satellite feeds of the O.J. Simpson trial.

My point is that I'm very familiar with American rules of evidence, and the whole concept of illegal search and seizure. Such technicalities get entire cases thrown out of court regardless of whatever the evidence itself is. In other words, if the evidence was obtained improperly, or without the proper search warrants, you get to walk away!

Yeah, it's f*cked up, ain't it?

Anyway, let's look at the particulars of my situation. The invasion of my sovereign nation was based on three main points: One, I had vast quantities of weapons of mass destruction. Two, I had ties to Al Qaeda and was somehow involved in 9-11. Three, I was an imminent threat to the United States. And it was that invasion, justified by those three points, that led to my arrest.

However, it turns out that: One, I no longer had any WMD's. Two, I had no ties to Al Qaeda. Indeed, there were no frikkin' terrorists in Iraq till the Unites States invaded with insufficient troops to properly secure my borders. And three, what imminent threat? Even if it had turned out I had big, mean, nasty WMD's, how would I have delivered them to the United States? By FedEx? UPS? Paper airplanes? What? My Air Force was buried out in the desert, remember?

Therefore, with the reasons for my invasion being unfounded, it goes without saying that it was illegally conducted, and that I have been wrongly detained for the last seven months!!

(Sniff! Sniff!) I smell a lawsuit for wrongful arrest.

Did you see me in court today? Did I look good, or what? Quite a few people commented that I looked like I had lost weight, but that shouldn't have surprised anyone. Prison food is almost as bad as hospital food. Besides, all that constant climbing up into the ceiling and crawling back and forth to the general's office keeps me in pretty good shape.

I was up late working on my statement. Did you like the part where I said Bush was the criminal? HA!! I guess the foot's on the other shoe now, isn't it!?! Just wait till I call Bush to the stand!! Without Cheney in the room!!!!!

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

I was surprised to see that fat f*ck Ahmed Chalabi in the courtroom. As many of you may recall, he's the one who fed the United States all that "intelligence" about my weapons of mass destruction. And apparently no one in the US thought to wonder how a guy who hadn't lived in Iraq for 40 years was getting all this information.

Then last month Chalabi was caught supplying the Iranians with secrets about the Americans. I thought he would have been locked up for that, but I guess not.

Anyway, when I came down from the stand, Chalabi's back was turned, so I grabbed his briefcase. No one saw me slip it down the front of my pants, and I was able to bring it back with me to my cell where I pried it open.

I was hoping to find all sorts of top secret stuff about the case against me, or maybe more evidence that Chalabi was feeding the Iranians intelligence. Then I could have used that to force a plea bargain.

Instead I found something like 500 Snickers bars, and a bunch of women's underwear! And I'm pretty sure they're his women's underwear, because the things are the size of parachutes. And that's really not all that surprising when you look at that pile of Snickers.

Anyway, I ended up negotiating a sweet deal with my guards and traded the candy bars for one of those combo TV/VCR things! Of course, I didn't mention the part where they were in a briefcase next to women's underwear worn by a 300 pound male member of the Governing Council.

The TV, unfortunately, is only a small portable, and it's not even HDTV, but I'll worry about that at my next court appearance.

In the meantime, I'm going back to my cell to watch my favorite show, Terrorist Eye for the Infidel Guy.

Not that I have any links to them, of course....

Well, i better get back to my cell and get some sleep. I've got court tomorrow.

Those bastards will probably make me take a shower first.

________________________________________________

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon-Journal

---------------Walt Handelsman, NY Newsday

You know what today was, don't you? It was June 30, the day the Americans were supposed to handover sovereignty to the newly installed "alleged" government.

You know what's truly sad about this? The occupiers think they were pretty clever with their decision to handover Iraqi sovereignty two days early. And they even freely admit they did it to foil the terrorists.

HA!!

There's nothing clever about it. In fact, it's an act of complete desperation, and an open admission that they have no control over the country. There's even a medical term for it: Premature Iraqi Nation.

It's a highly embarrassing condition, and certainly nothing to brag about.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

What the hell...? One minute I'm in the custody of the United States, and next I'm in the custody of the alleged Iraqi government! And no one even bothered to ask for my input on this decision! In fact, no one seems to give a rat's ass what I think!! They just ignore me, like I don't even exist, or just some piece of furniture to pass around between owners.

Kinda makes me feel like a woman.

My good buddy Michael Moore has truly outdone himself this time. His Fahrenheit 911 has broken a number of box office records, and already become the highest grossing general release documentary in the history of infidel movies.

Additionally, it also had the highest ever opening totals for a movie released to fewer than 1000 screens, and the third highest per screen gross of any movie this year. The only two that did better were Passion of the Christ and Shrek 2. Then again, I suppose it would have bordered on blasphemy if he had beaten out the infidel's lord and savior.... Not to mention that green cartoon guy.

Needless to say, I am ecstatic that so many Americans have been flocking to see this woeful tale of how I was the defenseless target of scurrilous falsehoods!! In fact, I'm so happy that I would love to give Michael a great big completely non-sexual manly hug!!! Of course, that's out of the question. He has the girth of a pregnant camel, and there's just no way my arms could ever reach around him.

And the movie is certainly stirring up emotions! I heard that in New York, a crowd of Bush bashers leaving Fahrenheit 911 ran into a crowd of Clinton bashers protesting outside a bookstore. Tempers flared, words were exchanged, and fists flew. And you'll never guess who won!

Ralph Nader!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty funny for a bloodthirsty despot, aren't I? And I say that only because I know you're laughing so hard that you fell out of your chair and knocked over your printer stand on the way down.

Otherwise, if you're NOT laughing, I'll just have to come over there and shoot you.

SEE!?! SEE!?! I told you the "handover" of sovereignty wouldn't occur on June 30!!!

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Even though the handover actually occurred much earlier today, I only learned about it a few minutes ago. You see, I had been reading this absolutely fascinating book that I just couldn't put down!! It's an intriguing tale of love and devotion, and once you start it, it will so grab your interest that you'll be completely oblivious to what's going on around you. Perhaps you've heard of it? The title is My Pet Goat.

I hear it's one of President Bush's favorites!

Congratulations to my good friend, filmmaker Michael Moore. His movie Fahrenheit 911 has finally opened in the United States despite much opposition from the Bush Administration. Did you know that some groups were threatening to boycott any theaters that dared show the movie? I don't quite understand how they could do that, but then again, I guess I'm just not familiar with the intricacies of that "Freedom of the Press" thing.

Anyway, I urge all of you to go see the movie and learn the truth. Plus, if enough of you buy tickets, maybe Michael will finally be able to afford a new baseball cap.

Take a good look at this picture.

Impressive, isn't it? That poor truck has been reduced to a flaming hulk. It has been hit with grenades, roadside bombs, and land mines. It's been shot all to hell. Much of the trailer has already burned completely away. The tires have been reduced to bubbling puddles of molten rubber, and the glass is long gone. Not only is the poor truck a total loss, it is a total loss several times over!!! This pathetic truck is so far gone that there is absolutely nothing that anyone on Earth could possibly do that would damage it any further than it already has been.

Yet there's still a guy out there throwing rocks at it! ROCKS!!!!!! Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is dedication!

I just hope he doesn't scratch the paint job.

A new study suggests that human breast milk contains a compound which cures warts.

Hmmm.... No wonder I have such fine skin.

---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

The Pentagon is denying allegations that I'm being abused.

Don't listen to their lies!!! Conditions in here are terrible. Oh, I don't mind them pointing at my genitals; in fact that makes me feel quite special. But my actual living conditions are awful. For example, my toilet seat is plastic! Can you believe that?!?

I have told the International Red Cross that I deserve a solid gold seat, but I'm willing to settle for brass if the United States can't afford gold. After all, this occupation is costing them billions every month. So far my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

And I still don't have a DVD player with a matching flatscreen HDTV monitor in my cell. Every now and then the guards will wheel a mono VHS player up to my celldoor, but that's about it.

My conjugal visits are severely limited, almost to the limits of human endurance. I mean, I'm sorry if I'm being overly demanding here, but once a day just is not going to cut it.

Oh, and then there's the issue of internet access. The Americans refuse to let me have a computer because they're afraid I might make fun of Rumsfeld.

Nonsense!!! I would never ever do such a thing!! In fact, I am in total awe of his intellect, which is quite impressive for a retard. After all, Rummy is the principle architect of the brilliantly executed postwar occupation of Iraq.

Oh, and did I mention that the computer should have broadband access? Cable or DSL, I'm not particular. But the point is that I'm a busy man, and I don't have time to be sitting around playing with myself while some lousy dialup service downloads my porn.

On the other hand, I suppose that's the point!

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

I read this story and started laughing so hard that I leaned back in the chair and fell against the filing cabinet! And then I was stuck, flailing my arms and legs like some sort of mustachioed turtle, trying to get the chair to fall forward again. The worst thing was, of course, that I couldn't simply yell for help, because then the guards would have figured out that I've been lifting out the ceiling tiles in my cell and crawling over their infidel heads to the General's office. They probably would have punished me by pointing at my genitals.

So what I finally did was pull the belt out of my pants, and use it to lasso the espresso coffee maker nearby. Then I pulled myself back up. Plus, I was able to fix myself a great cup o' joe!

Anyway, what started this mess is the revelation by that 9/11 Commission in the United States that Al Qaeda had far more contacts with Pakistan AND Iran than it ever did with me!! This comes on top of the previously known fact that NONE of the funding for the plot was traced to me, and that NONE of the hijackers were Iraqis. Indeed, it's long been known that 15 of the 19 were Saudis.

President Lucy has some serious 'splaining to do!!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

The sad fact is that most major media outlets supported the unlawful invasion of my country. One by one, however, they are admitting they were wrong. The latest to do so is that hotbed of liberalism, the New Republic. Quite frankly, I was stunned two years ago when they supported Bush. Now they're crawling back to me, with their tails between their legs, begging forgiveness.

Both the Washington Post and the New York Times have recently recanted their support. And CNN's Tucker Carlson last week went as far as to say "I am embarrassed that I supported the war in Iraq." Nicely put, Tucker. And I have a few suggestions as to where you can put that stupid bow tie you're always wearing.

But this is neither the time nor place for a proctology lesson.

The question I am now faced with is, are these reversals of opinion genuine and heartfelt? Or are these people merely weasels, who are only now beginning to see the handwriting on the wall? Desperation can make a man say things he doesn't really mean. On the other hand, I love anyone who falls to his knees before me and begs for his life, soiling their pants in the process.

---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

I can not believe how desperately Cheney continues to cling to the idea that I had ties to Al Qaeda. Despite the fact that this assertion has been repeatedly disproved, he continues to say I was somehow responsible for the attacks of 9-11. In fact, just this past Monday, the infidel Vice President repeated that accusation in a speech to some conservative think tank group.

If this is the kind of crap these "think tanks" come up with, perhaps they should take up daydreaming. It would make for a much safer world.

Even the commission investigating the attacks said today that there is "no credible evidence" I had any ties to Al Qaeda.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Granted, Osama approached me years ago for help, but I told him to piss off. Firstly, I didn't care for his self-righteous, holier than thou attitude. He's one of those people who always wears his religion on his sleeve, and he's damn proud of the fact that he's a born again Muslim. He even leaves little pamphlets in public places preaching the glories of finding Allah, opening your heart to the glories of Islam, and killing Americans.

And I still don't get the 72 virgins thing. What happens when you've used them up? Do you have to jerk off for the rest of eternity? And what the hell kind of religion promotes constant wild sex with women who are NOT your wives?

So I told him that I wouldn't help him. Besides, I was afraid someone would discover our connection and I'd get invaded.

And I certainly wouldn't want to risk that!!

Obviously the people at the BBC have been into the liquor cabinet again. That's the only excuse I can come up with for this list of possible charges against me. And for the record, I'd like to point out that then President Reagan had absolutely no problem with the first two items on the list. Of course, that's because I was going up against Iran, and the United States was still pissed at them over that embassy thing.

And as far as launching scuds against Israel during the first Persian Gulf War, well, IT WAS A FRIKKIN' WAR!!!!!! I mean, my understanding of the concept of war is that it involves weapons!!!! Or did I mess a memo along the way?

And several of the counts mention "torture." Uh, I think the United States should be very careful if it starts dragging up torture charges against me.

At least when I tortured Shiites, I didn't go around pointing at their genitals like on some kind of twisted version of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guard."

Former United States President George H. W. Bush celebrated his 80th birthday by skydiving from 13,000 feet. If nothing else, this proves he has about as much sense as his son.

I mean, what kind of idiot jumps out of a perfectly good airplane?