Yesterday was the big day for the Iraqi constitution to be adopted, thereby heralding the birth of wonderful new era of peace, love, and democracy in Iraq.

Except, well, they had to put it off for another week. The new deadline is August 22. Feel free to place your bets on whether or not that will happen. My money's on "Not a chance in hell."

This is a perfect example of why despotism is a superior form of government: There's no need for pesky constitutions or other such nonsense because what you say is the law of the land. And if you change your mind overnight, so be it. There's no need to worry about what's legal and what's not, because you--as the tyrant--get to decide!

I miss those days.

There are times I almost feel sorry for the Americans.

For example, I've been reading up on Iran's new elected President. Have you seen some of the stuff coming out about him? And I'm not talking about the goat sex orgies, because that's pretty standard stuff in this part of the world. No, I'm referring to his ties to terrorism.

Several days ago a number of the former Iranian hostages said that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was one of the people in charge during the hostage crisis 25 years ago. That's a pretty serious allegation.

But now there's a new one: He may have been involved in the slaying of a Kurdish leader in Vienna, Austria, back in 1989! Now, I don't normally like Shiites, which is what this Ahmadinejad fellow is. On the other hand, he enjoys killing Kurds, so at least we share some common hobbies.

Anyway, what I find so wildly amusing about this is that while Bush is busy in Iraq chasing terrorists who weren't here until the Americans showed up, the terrorists have been busy coming to power through democracy in other countries!

Finally, here's a story out of China that says Ahmadinejad successfully "played the 'class card' and "'religion card'" to get himself elected.

Guess that means he has a lot in common with President Bush as well.

Oh man, am I exhausted! I've been laughing myself silly all afternoon.

But Saddam, how can you do that? You will soon be going on trial, and unless you succeed in moving the proceedings to southern California, you will likely be found guilty of crimes against humanity and executed! How the hell can you possibly anything funny under those circumstances!?!?!?!

Well, it's about Bush.

Oh, well, in that case it must be absolutely hilarious!!!!!

Oh, it is. The White House has released a statement. In it, Bush says that the upcoming presidential election in Iran "ignores the basic requirements of democracy."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Everytime I start thinking about that line, I laugh so hard I pee my pants!!!

First of all, it is an election. Isn't that what the United States keeps bitching about, that there should be more elections in the world? And when a previously autocratic government announces that it will, in fact, hold elections, America has the audacity to get picky about the particulars? Give me a break! They should be saying things like, "It's a good start," or "We applaud this move in the right direction," or "We're leaving Iraq now. Bye."

Secondly, what right does Bush have to be lecturing anyone about the "basic requirements of democracy?" Granted, I'm a dictator by vocation and don't have a whole lot of experience with elections, but I'm nonetheless familiar with the theoretical aspects of democracy. And unless I'm mistaken--and if I am, please let me know so I can track you down and yank out your fingernails for having the nerve to correct me--one of those theoretical aspects is that the guy with the most votes wins!

Um.... Has Bush forgotten what happened in 2000? I seem to remember Al Gore having more votes. The only reason Bush eventually got to move into the White House is because his own brother just happened to be governor of the very state that was in contention.

Nope. Nothing fishy about that.

And he won last year with 50.8% of the vote, and then called that a mandate?!?! If 50.8% is a frikkin' mandate, then what's a squeaker? 50.7999999%?

A dictatorship is so much simpler: One man, one rule.

One of my favorite things to do when I surf the net is to look for stories about stupid criminals. You know the ones: Bank robbers who are asked for two forms of ID before being handed the money, then forget to take their drivers license back; or burglars who break into a house, then into the liquor cabinet, and end up drinking themselves into a drunken stupor; or world leaders who invade a foreign country without the foggiest notion of what to do once they take over. That sort of idiotic stuff.

With that in mind, here's a great article about missing weapons equipment here in Iraq. These are the same ones that the United Nations was keeping track of before the war. But once Bush launched his totally unwarranted assault against us, the UN people had to get the hell out of here for their own safety.

Since then, many items that could be used in the manufacture of chemical and biological weapons has disappeared. The UN has been able to verify that much through satellite photos and other methods. But as to what happened to the material, well, no one seems to know. Some of it has likely been melted down, or simply looted, or sold on eBay. But the point is that no one knows for sure.

What is so wildly amusing about this is that the whole reason Bush invaded was to keep this kind of technology from falling into the wrong hands.

This would seem to be an ideal time for me to point out yet another problem with democracy: Sometimes the people will elect a total numbskull!

But I won't.

France had an integral part in setting up the European Union, and French President Jacques Chirac had invested his nation's international prestige in its creation. But then he made an incredibly stupid blunder: He allowed his citizens to vote on whether to accept the European Union's constitution!!! So what did they go and do? They rejected the proposed constitution!!!

Now let me say at this point that I love Jacques Chirac.... Er, I mean that in a "manly" sort of way, not a romantic one. In other words, I respect him as a leader and an opponent of the Iraq war, but I don't want to make a Paris Hilton style sex tape with him. Got that?

Anyway, my point is that as much as I love him (as a friend), the fact is he's stupid. What the hell was he thinking when he let the French people vote on it!?!?!

This whole fiasco points out one of the classic flaws in a free democracy: The people will go and vote whichever the hell way THEY want to, not the way YOU want them to. It just serves as a further example of why despotism is a far superior form of government.

Perhaps in a different world, in a different time, and in a different reality, I might actually feel sorry for British Prime Minister Tony "Bush Lap Dog" Blair. But we're in THIS world, during the PRESENT time, and in, er, um, THIS reality.

Blair has been locked in a particularly rough reelection campaign which has been turning personal. At appearances audience members have called him "fraudulent," "grossly negligent," and accused him of lying. Now if something like that ever happened at one of my campaign rallies, I'd have shot everyone in the damn audience. Blair, however, is stuck running a democracy, so he can't very well do that without risking adverse publicity.

Still, it seems likely he will win, which is unfortunate. As with Bush, he will use that as proof that the public supports his boneheaded decision to invade Iraq.

Some crybaby member of the illegal Iraqi Parliament is upset that the illegal occupying Americans handcuffed and detained him because he didn't have the proper ID to get into the Green Zone!

Can you believe that crap? What an ungrateful moron!! I mean, does this guy realize that there are about 75,000,000 insurgents looking to kill him as well as every other member of that stupid Parliament, and that if it weren't for those Americans checking ID's, his body parts would be splattered across 15 square blocks of downtown Baghdad?

I'm not sure, but I'm guessing he was a Shiite. They're the only ones who can possibly be that stupid.

This points out yet another problem with democracy: Any brainless nitwit can get lucky and win an election.

Kind of like Bush....

Wonderful news!! That new Iraqi Parliament thing met yesterday, and it dissolved into a shouting match between Kurds, Shiites, and Sunnis as they tried to select a speaker for the chamber. Tempers flared, and the country's fake President stormed out, along with the fake interim Prime Minister.

See? I told you that stupid democracy idea would never work in Iraq. But does anyone ever listen to me? To good ol' Saddam? To the guy who ran the country for 25 years? Who knows Iraq better than anyone? No, of course not! They're all too busy calling me names and accusing me of crimes against humanity!

Not that I'm bitter....

What is the deal with this spreading scourge of democracy? Isn't there some sort of protective vaccine that can be given to us despots?

It seems that another country has unjustly deposed a longtime dictator. This time it was Kyrgystan.

Yeah, that's exactly what I said. But I checked, and there really is a country by that name. It used to be part of the old Soviet Union, until they went all soft and wishy-washy.

The people of Kyrgystan apparently got fed up with constant government corruption, disputed elections, and a severe shortage of vowels.

I have on several occasions talked about the inferiority of democracy. Some of you, I'm sure, have disagreed with me. And if I knew who you were, I would personally come to your house and yank out your toenails one by one.

But alas, I don't. That's one problem with the anonymity of the internet.

I bring this up only because there has another colossal failure of democracy. I am referring, of course, to the American Idol fiasco. In case you've been living under Iraq--er, I mean under a rock--and missed the story, here's what happened: During Monday night's episode, Fox TV showed the wrong phone numbers to call to vote for each individual contestant! I should also note that Fox TV is run by the same group of morons that run Fox News, which explains a lot (More on those nimrods tomorrow).

And the worst part of it is that we can't blame Simon for the mess.

How the hell can you screw up something so major as American Idol!?!?! I mean, fine, it's okay if the United States screws up its presidential elections. It's not like those things matter. But American Idol!?!?!?! When the selection of a winner can effect every single infidel living in that country!?!?! This is shocking, and only serves to further demonstrate how fragile democracies are to the winsome whims of the fickle finger of fate.

We despots are big on alliteration....

Rest assured I would never have tolerated this type of mistake on Iraqi Idol. On the other hand, because I was running the damn thing, we didn't have to worry about voting, either.

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President Bush is delivering his annual State of the Union address even as I write this, but I have decided to skip it. Unless he is prepared to admit that he was wrong, I was right, and that the United States government is prepared to offer $500 billion in damages to Iraq, then there's is absolutely nothing he could say that would be of interest to me.

I'm sure, however, that instead of taking responsibility for his actions, the President is instead going off on another of his "Freedom on the March" delusions. Freedom is NOT on the march, folks. It is in full retreat from the superior forces of despotism and tyranny, which are the wave of the future.

Now I'm sure some of you think ol' Saddam is cracking up again. Go ahead, admit it. Raise your hands if you think I'm nuts....

Okay, thanks. You may put your hands down now, and take a few minutes to prepare your last wills and testaments. I can't believe you idiots were stupid enough to openly disagree with me!

Anyway, Bush and a few of his fellow western leaders continue to believe that freedom and democracy will continue to dominate the world. The fact is, however, that more and more ordinary citizens are beginning to realize that government oppression is actually much more efficient. For example, some fancy American foundation recently conducted a survey of high school students and their feelings about the First Amendment.

What they found was quite revealing: 36% of them believe that newspapers should get government approval of stories before publishing them. Additionally, 32% of those surveyed said that the press enjoys too much freedom in the United States.

It gives me hope to know that the future of the United States is in such capable hands!!

I have long maintained that the Iraqi people are kind of stupid and secretly crave for a despot to rule them. If any of you have ever doubted me on this point, you need only look at yesterday's election results to see that I'm right.

Despite the constant risk of instant or near-instant death from snipers, exploding cars, suicide bombers, kidnappers, terrorists, crashing helicopters, friendly fire incidents, scorpions, tarantulas, rabid camels, and the stench of decaying corpses littering the streets, 60% of my citizens turned out to vote. Can you believe THAT!?!?! All they had to do was stay at home behind their locked doors, and everything would have been fine. But instead of playing it safe, 60% of Iraqis ventured out, risking life and limb, to vote.

It's just plain embarrassing. Makes me ashamed to admit I used to rule these fools. Seriously: What the hell were they thinking? Didn't they have any idea how dangerous it was to leave home?

All I can think of is that these people were so eager to see me return to power that they wanted to rush down to their local polling places and vote for me!! Yes, that must be it! It's the only possible logical explanation!

It's truly wonderful to be so beloved by your citizens.... (sniff!)