I didn't think there was anything in this world that could make me feel warmer and fuzzier than looking at naked pictures of the Dixie Chicks. But then I started following the stories about the evictions of Jewish settlers from the Gaza Strip. And let me tell you, nothing can beat the feeling I get in my pants from watching Jews beat up on other Jews.

Life is good.

Most of the time I enjoy reading the Daily Kos. He is an intelligent, well-spoken blogger who puts forth opinions based solidly on fact. Oh, and most importantly, he's a left wing Bush-basher.

However, I have to take serious issue with an entry he posted the other day. I find it most insulting and downright libelous! He was writing something attacking Karl Rove about his recent comments on the difference between the conservatives' and liberals' response to the 9/11 attacks. Again, it was very well written until suddenly, and completely without warning MY name popped up in a most unflattering context!!! Here's what he said:

"Instead of defeating our enemies, we went to war against an impotent enemy -- Saddam. And yes, we want to understand. Like, why did they lie to go to war in Iraq? Why is that war still going, unabated? Why are we no closer to victory now, than we were in when Bush declared "mission accomplished"? Why don't our troops have proper ammo? Why aren't there enough boots on the ground in Iraq? Why are we still dying in Afghanistan?"

Excuse me!?!?!? I have never EVER been impotent in my life!!!!! Little Saddam has NEVER let me down when called upon to perform!!!! Why, I don't even need that stinkin' Viagra crap! Using that stuff is a sign of weakness! That's why I plan to publicly execute all the spammers when I finally get out of here. How dare they send me emails suggesting that my manhood is somehow running a little slow!

Remember when the Dixie Chicks came to my defense a few years ago? Well, now you know why they like me so much!

The moment of truth arrives next Thursday: Has Lucas screwed up yet another Star Wars movie, or will this one live up to the glory of the first three? Advance word on the film has certainly been promising. In fact, I have heard that Steve Spielberg actually wept like a baby when he saw a screening of the film.

Personally, I have no plans to behave like a damn sissy. I am too much of a man to cry at movies.... Unless I'm on a date, of course, and think it might impress the chick enough to get me laid.

Well, okay, there have been a couple of exceptions. I did weep like a baby at Terms of Endearment, but give me a break on that one. Debra Winger ends up with cancer, for crying out loud!! I had to go out and gas some Kurds to regain my composure afterwards.

The other film that moved me was the third installment of Matrix. It's not that I found the plot all that moving or anything; it's just that I couldn't believe I wasted my money on that piece of crap.

But I digress....

I am still trying to devise a way to sneak out of here for a few hours and get to a theater to see Revenge of the Sith. Of course, I'll have to be careful on several levels: First, obviously I don't want to get caught. If that happens, the guards may cut off my conjugal visits from the Dixie Chicks. Second and most importantly, I certainly don't want to end up in a theater targeted for wholesale destruction by the insurgents. That would be REALLY embarrassing!

However, I suppose getting blown up wouldn't be quite as bad as, say, waiting in line at the wrong theater!! Did you hear about these guys in Los Angeles? They began lining up a month ago to see the new Star Wars, and turns out they were at the wrong theater!!

You gotta be careful. Bad intelligence will get you in trouble every time!

Since yesterday was the second anniversary of the so-called "Fall of Baghdad," I felt I should say a few words on the topic....

First of all, Baghdad did not "fall." It merely underwent a temporary "transfer of custodianship." Got that?

That said, I have to add that I'm marking the occasion by drinking this alcohol I found in the General's refrigerator. The bottle is labelled "specimen," and while I admit I've never heard of that brand before, it's quite good. I've only had a couple of sips, and already I've got one hell of a buzz going!!

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Shiites marked the occasion by demonstrating in the streets of Baghdad and demanding that the United States leave. HAHAHAHA!!!!! Now that's gratitude for you!! The Americans saved their sorry butts from me, and they're repaying the debt by telling their saviors to go the f*ck home!

I hate to admit it, but for once I agree with those damn Shiites.

The other great piece of news I just got is out of Kirkuk. The Kurds pretty well control the place, and now they're talking about seceding from the rest of Iraq. But since they have 9 million barrels of oil reserves in the area, no one wants to see that happen. Even worse, minority groups in the city feel that they are deliberately being shut out of the local councils by the Kurds.

But enough talk about politics. It's time I congratulated that big eared infidel Prince Charles on his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles. Forget all that crap about divorces, broken marriages, and the fact that the two of them are cousins. What's important is that they are happy, and love one another.... Even if they are commiting incest.

People make some very cruel remarks about Camilla's looks, and I feel that is totally uncalled for. A person's exterior appearance, however nauseating, can easily mask the goodness and beauty that lies on the inside.

I should know. You see, years ago, I carried on a longstanding torrid love affair with Bowles identical twin sister, Camela Parker Bowles. In fact, this romance is what led to the breakup of several of my marriages. Even though she dumped me for good when I became involved with the Dixie Chicks, I still always treasure the oh-so-sweet memories of our years together.

And even though I sit here in prison, stripped of most of my worldly possesions, I still have the one item I cherish more than all my palaces, more than the billions of dollars I looted from my country, more than my dreams of dominance of the middle east, more than my solid gold toilet seats, more than my non-existent weapons of mass destruction, and more than anything else on Earth. Yes, I still carry a single snapshot of my beloved Camela in my wallet:

Disturbing news out of New York.... It seems my ex wife Liza Minelli has been hospitalized after falling out of bed.

What? You didn't know I had been married to her? Oh, sure! The marriage broke up when she caught me in bed with the Dixie Chicks.... All three of them.... Simultaneously.

Liza could be a fun person when sober, but she could turn meaner than a rabid scorpion when she drank too much. You know her most recent husband, David Gest, complained that she used to beat him? People laughed, but that's no joke.

There was many a time that I would come home after a long day of gassing the Kurds only to discover that Liza had been in the liquor cabinet again. Then we would start arguing about something, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life down the street in my underwear, screaming for the Republican Guard to calm her down!

According to Isaiah Wilson III, the United States invaded me without any kind of formal plan for "stabilizing and occupying" my country. And it's this initial failure that continues to cause problems for the Americans in their efforts to rebuild Iraq. He goes on to characterize the U.S. military's performance here as "mediocre," explaining that they have failed to properly adapt to the current situation.

Now I know what some of you are saying: "Who is this Wilson guy? Is he one of Michael Moore's buddies? Another loudmouth fan of the Dixie Chicks? Who is this liberal know-it-all who dares criticize the leadership of America!?!"

Well, I'm not sure if he knows the esteemed Mr. Moore, or what Wilson's musical tastes may be. Perhaps he likes the Dixie Chicks, or maybe he's more of a Lynard Skynard type of guy. Who knows? Who even cares?

I can tell you that Mr. Wilson is a major in the United States army, and in the spring of 2003 he was part of the Army's Operation Iraqi Freedom Study Group. Then from July of last year to this past April he was chief war planner for the 101st Airborne Division. Next year he will be teaching at West Point.

I'd say that gives the man some credibility, wouldn't you?

I remember the firestorm of controversy that erupted a year and a half ago when the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines made her anti-Bush comment in London. She created quite an uproar among the groups' conservative fans, and many radio stations went as far as to ban their songs.

Well, that was now and this is then. No wait.... I mean THAT was THEN and THIS is NOW!! Not only have the views of the Dixie Chicks been vindicated, but many other musicians are now climbing aboard the anti-Bush bandwagon. Now I'm not sure what a bandwagon is in America, but around these parts, it's a traditional Bedouin mode of transportation pulled by camels.

But I digress....

The Dixie Chicks will be joining the "Vote for Change" concert tour. Other musicians included in the 20 city tour are Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne, and members of Pearl Jam. Their effort is specifically intended to oust to oust Bush by raising $44 million for John Kerry.

Needless to say, I would love to join them. No, no, that's not just wishful thinking on my part. I'm a serious musician, although my duties as a world renown despot often came before my rock and roll showmanship.

In fact, Natalie and I came out with a CD of duets in the spring of 2003. But alas, after she opened her yap that night in London, no radio station in America would even touch the album, and its sales went straight down the toilet.

Anyway, we've already talked about working together again just as soon as I get out of this joint. We're going to do an album of nothing but classic Captain & Tennile love songs.

And no free downloads!!! I need the cash.

Have you seen that music video of John Kerry and George Bush singing "This Land Is Your Land?" Well, if you haven't, you must be living under a rock. Not that there's anything wrong that. I lived under Iraq for a while, and it wasn't too bad. A little cramped, perhaps, whenever the Dixie Chicks came over, but that's what made their visits all the more interesting.

Once again the people at blogger have been dicking around with their programming without first clearing with me. Well, they better hope I don't find any glitches....

Anyway, I'm sitting here in the General's office watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. They have a satellite feed, so I'm able to keep up with events in the outside world.

For example, I heard that Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks recently gave birth to twins. Despite the rumors in the tabloid press, I had nothing to do with that. I always practice safe sex. The last thing I need is to get dragged into court for a paternity suit. Allah knows I've got enough legal problems as it is....

I'm sure the Red Cross will be stepping up its inspections in light of the recent allegations of prisoner abuse by the infidel invading hordes. And believe me, I've been taking notes! For example, the TV in this office only has a 19" screen! And it's not even a plasma screen!!!!! Yes, it's VERY shocking!!!! And not only is there no DVD player, there's not even a TiVo in here!!!! What kind of fly-by-night operation is this!?!?! I did find a VCR, but it's VHS, for crying out loud! And not even stereo!!! I'm telling you this so you understand it's not just the prisoners in that other place that have been suffering.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.... Harry Potter. I understand he has a new movie coming out next month, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib.

I can hardly wait for the scene where Harry, Hermione, and Ron form a human pyramid.

In the latest news from Najaf, Moqtada Sadr is threatening to have his followers launch suicide attacks if American troops enter the city.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

Have you ever noticed how these guys--and I have to include Osama as well as the leaders of Hamas in this--are always telling OTHER people to go on suicide missions? If it's such a glorious way to die, why aren't they leading the charge themselves? I mean, yeah, sure, I convinced some of my own followers to go martyr themselves, but you'll notice I was hiding in a spider hole at the time. I haven't lived this long by being stupid, you know.

And if there's one thing I hate, it's being the victim of someone else's bad intelligence.

Even more importantly, what's the big deal with the 72 virgins? I mean, I've had my share of them, and quite frankly, it gets old. You're constantly have to explain what goes where, and then they're asking if you really love them, and then you're having to explain that "blowing" is just an expression!

That's why I'm sticking with the Dixie Chicks. 'Blowing' is much more than just an expression to them, if you catch my drift.

But let's say that you are, in fact, the kind of guy who's into virgins. And so you go blow yourself up, along with a few dozen jews. And so you end up in paradise and there's your 72 virgins. So far you're thinking, hey, this is pretty cool!

But then you realize that you're dead. And not just merely dead, either. You're really most sincerely dead. That's as dead as you can get. You're deader than if a house had fallen on you. This dead deal is forever pal; there's no waking up in the morning. And that's when it FINALLY occurs to you: Eternity is a v-e-r-y long time, and you've only got 72 virgins to get you through it!!!

Now don't you feel dumb!

Think about it, folks: What happens after you've used up your virgins? Is it just you and Rosie forever and ever? And will you at least have Maxim to help you along? There are entirely too unanswered questions about this whole process.

But hey, if Moqtada wants to go out there himself and blow himself up, THEN I'll be impressed.

Well, gotta run. I need to back in my cell by 6:00. That's when the guards come by and urinate on us.

While I have certainly been enjoying my time here in prison, it has not been without its difficulties. Indeed, sometimes conditions can be downright harsh. For example, I have already complained to the the Red Cross about the lack of a DVD and big screen plasma TV. I have been assured that a home, er, "cellblock" entertainment system is on the way. And when it finally arrives, it better not be a piece of crap low budget thing from the local Costco. I want--and deserve--a top of the line Sony or Harmon Kardon.

But on the positive side, I do have medical coverage now. This is important, since my right knee has been bothering me lately. Nothing too serious, though. Just an old war injury I aggravated the last time the Dixie Chicks paid me a conjugal visit. And quite frankly, all this climbing up and down through the ceiling tiles isn't helping either.

The problem, however, is that I have to fork over a $15.00 copayment every time I see the doctor..... And why is it that they're all foreigners now?

Fifteen bucks may not seem like a lot, but when one doesn't have a steady source of income, it can be a problem.

That's why I've decided to take a job in the prison bakery.

Loyal reader and devoted follower Tung Yin, who still lives in his parents' basement with his collection of 1537 Star Trek dolls, er, "action figures," including all 22 versions of Captain Picard as Locutus of Borg, writes:

"Saddam, did you ever watch the old "Star Trek" series? I remember this episode ("A Taste of Armageddon") where Kirk and Spock were locked up in some room, with a guard outside. Spock used his mental powers to make the guard think something was wrong, the guard came in, and Kirk knocked him out.
Surely you have such mental powers, too. Can you effect an escape?"

Well, yes, of course I have such mental powers. Why do you think they still haven't found my weapons of mass destruction, you ninny!?! Surely you don't believe my repeated denials of their existence, do you? I mean, we've known each other how long now, and you still trust me!?! What the hell's wrong with you?!?

Remind me to sell you my Chevy Vega.

The fact is I don't want to escape. I'm quite comfortable in here; certainly much more so than I was curled up in the backseat of the aforementioned Vega. I get three squares day and the occasional conjugal visits from rabid America hating babes such as the Dixie Chicks, Barbara Streisand, and Susan Sarandon. In fact, there was one time when, due to a scheduling snafu (you know how the US military is) all five of them showed up at the same time. Needless to say, it got quite crowded on this single cot. And you know how that Sarandon chick is: She just does not like to share!

And while they won't let me have a computer, I've nonetheless been able to get around that little restriction by climbing through the ceiling to General Abizaid's office and logging on to the internet there.

My only real complaint is the limited choices of television channels. For example, not only do I not have HBO (and The Sopranos just started its fifth season!!), but I don't have the Sci-Fi Channel either!!! Now HBO I can understand. After all, it's a premium channel, and this little conflict is costing the United States a fortune. But the Sci-Fi Channel!!!! Gimme a break!!! That's a basic cable channel, for Allah's sakes!!! Rest assured I will raise this issue with the Red Cross the next time they pay me a visit.

So I'll just enjoy my "vacation" for now and bide my time till after the election. I'm confident that the short fella--Dennis Kucinich, I think his name is--will win. He's already promised to pull the American troops out of my country if elected. At that point I'll be released and go back to the business of running Iraq and plundering its wealth. Plus, I figure I'll have a healthy sized court settlement coming to me from the "unlawful imprisonment" lawsuit I plan to file against the United States.

Oops, gotta go. Guard's coming!

Uh-oh....

Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks is pregnant.... With twins.

That means I now have TWO reasons to remain in hiding: First, to elude capture and certain death at the hands of the foreign freedom obsessed occupiers; second, to avoid having to pay child support.

On the other hand, I do have a couple of openings for new sons....

Have you heard what singer Alanis Morrisette did in Peru the other day? She ended her first concert ever in Lima by yelling, "Thank you Brazil!!" Very sloppy work, and to think I was going to make her my Minister of Irony!!

Need I point out that the Dixie Chicks would never, ever have made the mistake of saying something stupid in front of a concert audience?

I have come up with a new poll. Now please don't misunderstand me: I still don't give a camel's ass what you think.... in general. On the other hand, I have watched with keen interest the difficulties you Americans have had in restoring order in Iraq. And if there's one thing I've learned from this embarassing fiasco, it's that you absolutely have to win the hearts and minds of the people you plan to rule.... THEN you abuse the hell out of them.

Consequently, I would like to determine what is important to the average infidel in the street.

In the meantime, here are the preliminary results for "Who would you like to see elected President of the United States in 2004?" Not that THESE results really matter, you understand....





Me (combined total)-------------------------62

John Kerry-------------------------------------03

Wesley Clark----------------------------------16

The Dixie Chicks, provided they deliver

their State of the Union addresses in

their underwear------------------------------44

Micheal Moore (combined total)-----------09

Howard Dean (combined total)------------06

A fully clothed Hillary Clinton---------------08





As you can see, I am the overwhelming favorite among Americans, according to this highly scientific unbiased poll of my fan base. However, the strong showing by the Dixie Chicks indicates that a sizeable percentage of you people, while solidly unamerican, are also sexual deviants. But that's cool; I kind of identify with you.

You know, whatever differences I may have with the Bush administration--and quite frankly, some of those differences are rather significant--I remain a big fan of American popular culture, especially music.

By now all of you know that I just can't get enough of the Dixie Chicks.... And their music is okay, too.

I was a huge fan of the late Warren Zevon. Whenever his song Werewolves of London would come on WSADDAM (92.5 FM, if you're ever in Baghdad) I'd sing along to it. That part where he goes "AARROOOO!!!" was great. Beggars in the streets would scatter everytime I got to that part.

But I am especially fond of the blues, and my all-time favorite singer in that area is Ray Charles.

And while I would never pretend to know more about singing the Blues than Ray Charles, I think--and this is merely a suggestion, you understand--he should consider getting one of those newfangled Braille microphones.

As you've probably heard by now, my beloved Dixie Chicks were almost involved in a plane crash. And the fact that it happened in Scotland, which is part of the British Empire (Empire?--Now that's funny!!!) only fuels my suspicions about this so-called "accident."

I think Bush is getting frustrated that he still hasn't caught me, so instead he's going after my supporters.

The Democrats in that Congress thing better watch what they say.