Condoleeza Rice has told the 9-11 commision that President Bush "fully understood" the threat posed by Al Qaeda.

Oh, I'm sure he did! Every bit as well as he understood how many troops it would take to occupy Iraq, or the potential dangers posed by renegade pretzels.

Do you remember what General Eric K. Shinseki said over a year ago? He predicted that several hundred thousand soldiers would be needed in order to effectively occupy my country. His estimates were immediately pooh-poohed by Deputy Secretary of Infidel Invasions Paul Wolfowitz.

That's what happens when you put civilians, who think they're smarter than the generals, in charge of the military.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I never thought I would see the day that the Sunnis and the Shiites would work side by side towards a common goal. Normally we're too busy trying to kill one another to worry about anything else.

So I am positively overcome by joy to see these longtime rivals in Islam working together to expel the infidel invaders. Excuse me while I blow my nose......

They don't allow me access to Kleenexes, so I guess I'll just wipe my hands on my pants.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I've made the observation on previous occasions that the Bush Administration is finding itself between Iraq and a hard place, but now things have become downright ridiculous. No matter what they do now, the Americans are royally screwed.

They have already said they plan to arrest Al-Sadr. That will only result in more bloodshed on both sides. And if that wacky Shiite cleric is killed in the process, he will only become a martyr to his followers, and further enrage the Shiites.

On the other hand, if the Americans decide not to try to capture him, they will appear to be weak and indecisive. And when it comes to dealing with the Arab world, that's the absolute worst thing you can do.

Well, okay, actually it's the second worst thing you can do. The only thing worse is trying to bring democracy to the Middle East.

But you'd have to be a total moron to try something that stupid!!!

I was watching the news earlier and saw scenes of burning cars, mobs running through the streets, smashed storefronts, overturned cars in flames, and bodies laying every where. I couldn't figure out if I what I was seeing was in Fallujah or Najaf.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be UConn fans celebrating in Connecticut!

A newcomer (And I know he's a newcomer because he dared question me) by the name of Tewar writes: hmmmmm... Well, dear sir, are you sure about gassing Shiites? Wasn't it the annoying Kurds that got your attention first, and you showed them your love by gassing 'em ? Just wondering ...

Look, I've gassed a lot of people in my time, and I can't possibly be expected to keep track of every last ethnic group I've tried to eradicate. Nor do I keep score on who got gassed first or second or last or most often or in a particular year. Precise record keeping in such matters can only serve to get you in trouble further down the road when the world's crybabies start whining about ethnic cleansing, genocide, and other such nonsense. I mean, look at Slobodan Milosovich, or whatever the hell his name is. His ass is rotting in a jail cell at the moment.

Well, okay, so is mine. But that's NOT my point. My point is that keeping score of who got gassed ahead of who is unnecessary.

Or is it "whom got gassed ahead of whom?" English is so frikkin' complicated, it's ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the differences between "effect" and "affect."

________________________________________________

----------Marshall Ramsey, The Clarion Ledger

Oh my.... Things are about to get even more interesting here in Iraq. A judge has just issued a warrant for the arrest of Muqtada Sadr, the Shiite cleric who has been stirring up trouble in the south. Can you imagine what's going to happen when they actually try to take him into custody?

Thank Allah I'm here in prison where it's safe!!

----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

Uh-oh. The Shiites are revolting. Hell, that's nothing new. I've long found the Shiites revolting. That's why I kept gassing 'em! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I mean, for the entire time I was in power--I mean, ever since I came to power (technically, I AM still the President of Iraq, and anytime President Bush decides he's ready to negotiate his terms of surrender, I'm ready to listen) I've had it in for the Shiites. I've slaughtered them by the thousands, over and over, throughout my rule. I've oppressed them, gassed them, imprisoned them, and made their loved ones disappear.

And you know why?

Because even I need a hobby, and I just couldn't get into model trains.

It's those damn Shiite clerics, you know. They're all a bunch of whackos. And the sad thing is, whatever they say, their followers will immediately believe them without question.

It's kind of like Rush Limbaugh and his followers.

But my point is that the Shiites should be thankful to the Americans. Instead, they're clamoring for the Americans to hurry up and get out of Iraq.

Well, at least the Americans have finally gotten the Sunnis and the Shiites to agree on something!!

It's awfully nice of Colin Powell to finally admit that his information on those "mobile weapons labs" may have been wrong.

Gee, you think so, Colin?

If I might be so bold, I think it's time for him to come out and say what everyone else already knows: That the invasion itself was wrong!!!

I mean, let's face facts here: There are no facts, and there never were!! Oh, there were plenty of baseless allegations, but no actual facts!!!

This whole Iraq thing is the equivalent of say going into a doctor's office and complaining of headaches, seizures, and uncontrolled bowel movements. Then they x-ray your noggin. Then upon examination of the picture, which clearly shows the presence of a massive tumor pressing on your brain stem, they diagnose allergies to camel dander and amputate your leg.

Think about how you would feel if an incompetent medical team did all of the above to you, and maybe you'll begin to get an understanding of how I feel. That's why I'm going to hire myself one of those lawyers that are always advertising on TVl. I mean, those guys must be good if they're advertising on the boob tube, right?

Then I'm going to sue the Bush Administration for malpractice.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I certainly enjoy my little interrogation sessions with my captors. It's kind of like engaging in a battle of wits with an unarmed man!

This morning, for example, I summoned the guard and told him I had had enough, and I was ready to talk. So he scurried off to summon his superiors, and eventually I was escorted to the little room where they ask all the questions.

Two CIA flunkies appeared and asked what I wanted. I told them I was prepared to cooperate, and they eagerly sat down with their notebooks and tape recorders.

I began by giving them the exact locations of my weapons of mass destruction, right down to the minutes and seconds of longitude and latitude. They carefully jotted the information down.

Then I began giving them the names of the leaders of the anti-American insurgents, as well as their home addresses. Then they summoned a general of some kind or another and passed that information on to him.

Next I admitted to having ties with Al Qaeda, and gave them the precise location of bin Laden's cave. They quickly gave that information to some special forces people.

I told them I still had billions of plundered dollars in Swiss bank accounts, and I gave them the account numbers and passwords to those.

At my request they put Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz on the speakerphone and formally apologized to them for being such a bad man. They graciously accepted my words of remorse.

By now it was early evening, and after some six or seven hours of my spilling my guts, they got ready to escort me back to my cell. Then I said, "Oh, just one more thing...."

"What's that?" asked one of the CIA guys.

And I smiled and said "APRIL FOOL!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"

The stupid Tampa Bay Devil Rays lost to the Yankees 12-1 in their second game.

If Uday were still alive and managing Tampa, this never would have happened. He knew how to properly motivate athletes. In this case, he probably would have pulled the pitcher in the fifth inning and executed him in front of his teammates.

Now that would certainly have fired up their competitive spirit.

Some of you may recall from last year that I absolutely despise the New York Yankees. So I'm sure you can imagine my glee at hearing that the evil ones* lost their season opener to Tampa Bay 8-3.

So much for that enormous payroll of theirs, eh? I guess even $87 billion won't buy you a winning effort these days.



*Bush hasn't trademarked that term, has he?

I must admit to being somewhat confused by this whole business of freedom of the press. Personally, prior to this, er, "temporary imposed vacation" that I'm currently on, my philosophy was that if someone printed something I didn't like, I had them arrested, tortured, executed, and then--for good measure--tortured some more. And depending on my mood, sometimes I'd have them executed a second time. Followed by more torture and another execution. Generally speaking, this would only work for about four cycles because the body would start falling apart.

Then along comes the United States screaming about Democracy, freedom, and people being free to voice their opinions now that Saddam is gone. Very impressive talk indeed!

Ah, but so much for the theory. How's that whole "freedom of the press" thing working out in practice?

Well, apparently not too well. The other day US soldiers moved in and closed down a Shiite newspaper opposed to the new Constitution.

Hell, even I could have done that.

I just heard something so absolutely hilarious I thought I'd share with you, my many loyal readers yearning to be oppressed and brutalized. It seems the United States has been training about 50 Iraqis who will eventually become the civilian leaders of Iraq's new military. And if that's not funny enough, the US further expects to develop a "strategic alliance" with this new Iraqi army!!

On what frikkin' planet? Because that certainly is NOT going to happen here on Earth. Oh, I know!! Maybe the Americans are anticipating this fairy tale alliance to occur on that recently discovered new planet, Sedna.

Speaking of planets, have you heard about this rare planetary alignment that's taking place this week? Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn are all visible at night now. Even more incredible, they're all in a straight line with Earth. This amazing celestial show will not occur again until 2040, which coincidentally is the same year I expect to achieve world domination.

Now I know what some of you out there are saying. "If I set you up on a date with my sister, will you promise not to torture me?" And others among you asking, "Well, having the six inner planets all lined up like that is quite interesting, Saddam, but where's Uranus?"

It's right here between my butt cheeks, you idiot!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------Jeff Danziger, Tribune Media

Apparently President Bush, sensing that he'll be out of a job as of next January, is auditioning to become a comedian. He was at some dinner when he showed a slide show of himself looking behind curtains and under furniture for my weapons of mass destruction. Needless to say, he kept coming up empty handed.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I know Bush gets criticized a lot. But I think it's good that a man who has just flushed $87 billion down the toilet, invaded a country under false pretenses, earned the world's scorn, and is indirectly responsible for thousands of deaths can maintain a sense of humor about the whole stinkin' fiasco.

A couple of days ago I complained about the horrible treatment I am repeatedly being subjected to. Specifically, the lack of access to the Sci-Fi Channel, as well as any Premium cable channels. Many of my loyal readers were quick to volunteer to tape shows for me, especially The Sopranos. I would like to thank all of you who took the time....

Oh, who am I kidding.... Only one--ONE--reader offered to do this for me. And I recognize him as a longtime follower and consummate yes-man who is totally devoid of any independent thought and constantly agrees with everything I say.

Needless to say, I admire that in a man.

As for the rest of you: Rest assured that I shall not forget this failure to step forward in Saddam's hour of need. I have recorded your I.P. addresses, and I will be knocking on your front doors after President Dennis Kucinich frees me next January.

However, you can still save your necks. Just send me porn.

----------Ed Gamble, Florida Times-Union

$87 billion for that piece of junk?!?!?! If I were an American, I'd be pretty pissed off.

Anyone who still doubts that I got a raw deal needs to take a look at Richard Clarke's book, "Against All Enemies." Basically, it says that the Bush Administration had it in for me from the beginning. In fact, in the days immediately after 9-11, the President was trying his best to somehow tie the attacks to me. This, in spite of overwhelming evidence implicating Al Qaeda.

As the world now knows, I had nothing to do with 9-11. My followers, as a rule, do not engage in suicide attacks. Rather, I shoot them myself if they screw up. Nor do I have any connection to Osama, aside from our annual exchange of Ramadan cards. I think he's a religious fruitcake, and he thinks I'm an unholy self-serving tyrant concerned only with lining his own pockets, and enhancing his power solely for the sake of power.

Which is true, but that's besides the point. And that point is that I was framed!!

Now I know how O.J. felt.

It turns out that a year ago, as the United States was preparing to launch its highly irregular incursion into my humble peace-loving paradise, a number of embedded reporters were circulating a "Vietnam II" checklist.

It's worth taking a look at how the two compare.

Some of you may already have noticed I added a Weather Channel feed on the left. I did that mainly because I don't have access to a lot of windows around here, and I like to know what it's like outside. Then again, I suppose that's kind of silly. We're in the middle of a frikkin' desert, so of course every day is going to be sunny and hot as hell.

Even so, I added that link. Believe it or not, it does occasionally work. The rest of the time I can only conclude that it's encountering some sort of electrical interference from all the damn car bombs that keep going off.

I did have some trouble tracking that Weather Channel feed down, so I'd like to thank the worthless infidel at Coptalk for his assistance. It probably would have been easier if I had just stolen his. I mean, what could he have done about it if I had? Arrest me?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

________________________________________________

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Loyal reader and devoted follower Tung Yin, who still lives in his parents' basement with his collection of 1537 Star Trek dolls, er, "action figures," including all 22 versions of Captain Picard as Locutus of Borg, writes:

"Saddam, did you ever watch the old "Star Trek" series? I remember this episode ("A Taste of Armageddon") where Kirk and Spock were locked up in some room, with a guard outside. Spock used his mental powers to make the guard think something was wrong, the guard came in, and Kirk knocked him out.
Surely you have such mental powers, too. Can you effect an escape?"

Well, yes, of course I have such mental powers. Why do you think they still haven't found my weapons of mass destruction, you ninny!?! Surely you don't believe my repeated denials of their existence, do you? I mean, we've known each other how long now, and you still trust me!?! What the hell's wrong with you?!?

Remind me to sell you my Chevy Vega.

The fact is I don't want to escape. I'm quite comfortable in here; certainly much more so than I was curled up in the backseat of the aforementioned Vega. I get three squares day and the occasional conjugal visits from rabid America hating babes such as the Dixie Chicks, Barbara Streisand, and Susan Sarandon. In fact, there was one time when, due to a scheduling snafu (you know how the US military is) all five of them showed up at the same time. Needless to say, it got quite crowded on this single cot. And you know how that Sarandon chick is: She just does not like to share!

And while they won't let me have a computer, I've nonetheless been able to get around that little restriction by climbing through the ceiling to General Abizaid's office and logging on to the internet there.

My only real complaint is the limited choices of television channels. For example, not only do I not have HBO (and The Sopranos just started its fifth season!!), but I don't have the Sci-Fi Channel either!!! Now HBO I can understand. After all, it's a premium channel, and this little conflict is costing the United States a fortune. But the Sci-Fi Channel!!!! Gimme a break!!! That's a basic cable channel, for Allah's sakes!!! Rest assured I will raise this issue with the Red Cross the next time they pay me a visit.

So I'll just enjoy my "vacation" for now and bide my time till after the election. I'm confident that the short fella--Dennis Kucinich, I think his name is--will win. He's already promised to pull the American troops out of my country if elected. At that point I'll be released and go back to the business of running Iraq and plundering its wealth. Plus, I figure I'll have a healthy sized court settlement coming to me from the "unlawful imprisonment" lawsuit I plan to file against the United States.

Oops, gotta go. Guard's coming!

I spent the afternoon afternoon being interrogated. The Americans really aren't very good at it. Why, they haven't tortured me even once!! You have to wonder where these guys learned to interview prisoners of war. Oh, wait, technically I'm NOT actually a POW; I'm a POUIIAO (Prisoner Of An Unjust Illegal Invasion And Occupation). So I spend of my "interrogation sessions" making paper airplanes. I've gotten quite good at it as I've refined my understanding of basic aerodynamic principles.

Anyway, I am starting to feel just a bit sorry for my captors. For example, today the CIA guy kept asking me who's responsible for all the car bombings in Baghdad lately. And as one of my airplanes bounced off his forehead, he began crying. Softly at first, then big loud sobs. Frankly, I was embarrassed for him. I hate to see a grown man cry.... Unless, of course, it's a Shiite weeping for his family.

So I told him it was Basque separatists.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

So I'm crawling through the ceiling earlier on my way to the General's office to surf the net for some porn when I suddenly notice a really disgusting smell. I looked down through this vent, and what did I see? Colin Powell taking a dump in the men's room!!! Turns out he was paying a surprise visit to my country.

And all I have to say is, I think something crawled up inside him and died, because that smell was awful. I almost gagged on it!! Can you imagine if I had passed out, crashed through the ceiling tiles, and ended up in his lap!?! Lucy would have had a LOT of 'splaining to do!

Still, it turns out my body has built up a substantial immunity to foul odors. That's one advantage from having worked so closely with chemical weapons. Er, I mean that theoretically, of course, as in, IF I had ever worked with chemical weapons, I WOULD have built up an immunity.

Anyway, I did manage to keep breathing and began shooting spitballs at him. And of course he's looking around trying to figure out what's going on, swatting at the air like maybe its bugs of some kind. At one point he almost fell off the seat!

But after a few minutes of fun I decided it was time to move on. After all, I had porn to check out.

One of the reasons I started blogging again was to offer my thoughts and prognostications on the upcoming election in the United States. While I personally have not yet formally endorsed any of the candidates, you can bet your sweet bibby it won't be Bush.

Not that I have anything against the man personally, you understand. It's just that I disagree with certain, er, "aspects" of his foreign policy.

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

I almost forgot! Yesterday was the 16th anniversary of my chemical attack on the Kurds. Normally my sons and I would throw a big party to mark the occasion but, well, I guess not this year. I can't get away at the moment, and Uday and Qusay are pushing up daisies.

You know what's sad, though? You use weapons of mass destruction one time, and the next thing you know, you're branded for life.

Okay, so maybe it was a couple of times. But still, that was a long time ago.... In a galaxy far, far away. HAHAHAHAHA!!! It's good to able to laugh at times like this.

Oops, gotta go. Guard's coming.

I know what you're all saying: "Saddam? Is that really you? Are you really blogging again? We missed you so much! May we hug you and kiss you and blow in your ear?"

Well, I missed you, too, even if you are all a bunch of cowardly weasels. And stay the hell away from me; this ain't San Francisco, you know. A simple handshake will do.

Yes, it's true: I'm back to blogging. But don't expect it to be as frequent as last year. They keep me locked away, and I'm not supposed to have access to computers. However, I did figure out that if I lift up the ceiling tiles in my cell and climb up, I can make my way through the crawlspace to the prison's commanding General's office, drop back down, and log onto his desktop. Took a while to figure out his passcode, but it's mycommanderinchiefisanidiot.

That's easy enough to remember.

Gotta go. Guard's coming.

Wasn't there once a TV show in America called "Father Knows Best?" Too bad a certain someone forgot its lessons.

People have asked me, "So Saddam, when you take over the United States, and you first set foot in your capital of Saddam, DC, what will you say to the American people? Assuming, of course, your head doesn't explode first from trying to contain your enormous ego?"

Well, I've been thinking about that. And I've decided to go with John Carpenter's words from the movie They Live: "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum." I've always been fond of that line.

But my more immediate concern is my '73 Vega. It's developed some transmission problems and died on me earlier just outside Tikrit. If it weren't an inanimate object incapable of feeling my wrath, I would have shot the sorry SOB piece of crap for betraying me like that.

Anyway, I caught a ride from a passing illegal occupying force patrol and had them drop me off at a small farm in Adwar. I'm hiding there now, in a cleverly disguised seven foot deep spider hole. No way those idiot Americans will find me here!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Hold on. Someone's at the door. I wonder who that could be at this hour? HOLY SH

The American appointed Iraqi Governing Council of Infidel Controlled Puppets wants to create a special court to try me and my top officials--well, the ones still alive, anyway--on charges of genocide and crimes against humanity.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm still not clear on what exactly I'm guilty of. I mean, the whole reason for this current mess the United States finds itself in was to eliminate my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction. Well, when they couldn't find any, suddenly the reason became establishing democracy and ending oppression.

Oh, be-have!!! I'm dictator, for crying out loud! Oppression is in the job description, for Allah's sake! Seriously, have you ever heard of a non-oppressive dictator? No, of course not!! There's no such thing!! I mean, that's almost as funny as the absurd idea of establishing a thriving oasis of democracy and freedom in the heart of the middle east! It goes against the very laws of nature.

In fact, wasn't it Isaac Newton who laid out the fundamental governing principles of the Universe?
1) The first law of thermodynamics says that energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another.
2) This one says that heat can never transfer from a colder object to a warmer object. Therefore all natural processes involving the transfer of energy can only take place in one direction.
3) If you remove all the thermal energy contained in molecules, you achieve a state known as absolute zero. This occurs at 0 degrees Kelvin, -273.15 Celsius, and -459 Fahrenheit.
4) The speed of light is an absolute, despite the science of Star Trek.
5) There is no way in hell democracy can ever survive in the middle east.

Besides, as I've said before, freedom is overrated. Most muslim societies have been oppressed for so long that they would have no idea how to be "free." Islam and freedom are self-exclusive. Just ask Osama. Or for that matter, ask America's buddies in Saudi Arabia.

All this talk by Bush saying that I'm evil is motivated by nothing more than jealousy. Seriously, do you think for one second that if Bush thought he could get away with it, he wouldn't torture Michael Moore or cut off Al Franken's testicles? Of course he would!! And he'd also put a stop to that stupid election next year!

But, of course, he can't. And so when he sees someone like me who can inflict massive physical pain on opponents at will, and not have to bother with pesky periodic election campaigns, Bush turns green with envy! And the fact that the Republicans' constant attempts to convert America into a Christian theocracy keep bumping into that Constitution thing is probably sticking in his craw as well.

Besides, the members of that court are going to look kind of silly trying to hold a gavel with no opposable thumbs.

The Americans truly mystify me. They are being picked off on a daily basis, and one would think they would do anything to bring that under control. And some of their officers are certainly trying their best.

One in particular, a Lt. Col. Allen West, went as far as to discharge an weapon next to an Iraqi prisoner. Didn't actually shoot him, you understand, just wanted to scare him. And it worked, because the sniveling coward began talking about future plans for ambushes. So what happens? Instead of being awarded a medal for saving the lives of his men through innovative interrogation methods, West almost gets court-martialed. And though he avoided that fate, he is nonetheless being discharged from the army.

Now personally, I would have shot the prisoner. None of this scaring the guy. Nothing gets a man talking like the site of his own blood. But that's just me and my patented technique.

It's no wonder I'm winning in Iraq. And if the American military continues to tie the hands of its own personel with silly rules, I shall continue to do so.

I see Bush is really sticking to my friends in Russia, France, and Germany by not allowing them to bid on contracts to rebuild Iraq. One of the conditions Bush is holding over their heads is that they must first forgive the billions of dollars of debt I owe them.

Hmmm.... Never thought I'd say this, but I sometimes I really REALLY like Bush!!

On the other hand, the fact remains that Iraq wouldn't have to be rebuilt in the first place if a certain unnamed sole remaining world superpower hadn't come in here and trashed the place!!!!

The Pentagon has discovered that Halliburton may have overcharged my poor citizens a total of $61 million for gasoline!

I don't know about you, but I'm certainly shocked. Well.... okay, maybe not.

Now I know some of you are probably thinking to yourselves, "That Saddam really hates the Shiites, but they can't possibly be THAT bad!!



Well, first of all, yes, they can. And secondly, go torture yourselves till you scream in agony for daring to question me.



Here's a perfect example of how stupid they are: They Iraq to set up a theocracy based of strict interpretation of Islamic law along the lines of what Iran has had for the last 25 years.



Yet the majority of the Iranian people do nothing but bitch & moan about how awful their government is, and how they can't wait for the old Ayatollahs running the country to croak.

Well, there goes the neighborhood!

----------Oliphant

I went barhopping last night and met this really hot chick. Turns out she's American, and she even gave me her number. If you think I'm making this up, feel free to give her a call! Her number is 212-660-2245.



And tell her I said hi.

Do you ever watch "24"? It's one of my favorite shows, so it will help you lead a longer, healthier life if you do. And as you probably already know, each season's episodes take place in "real time," over the course of a 24 hour time period.



In the first season, super secret agent Jack Bauer was trying to save a presidential candidate. Last year he was trying to stop nuclear terrorists. Now this year Jack's trying to to stop the spread of a deadly, bio-engineered virus. And advance word on NEXT season is that Jack Bauer will attempt to capture me!! Of course, they will have to change the name of the show to "24,000". Needless to say, it will be a v-e-r-y l-o-n-g season!



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!



But enough about Jack. My favorite character on the show is his daughter, Kim. And I have to thank Allah that there's no such thing as blonde Arab chicks. I mean, yeah, they're easy on the eyes, but man, some of them can be dumb as a dune.



In the first season, Kim sneaks out of the house, gets kidnapped three times, held hostage four times, shot at, and watches her car explode, all in 24 hours!!

In contrast, the typical Iraqi citizen can easily go three, maybe four days, without any of those things happening to them.

I hear that the the Iraqi National Symphony will be performing in Washington, DC tonight. How dare they!?!? They will pay dearly for this foolish indiscretion. I'll fix it so none of them can EVER have children again!!



That's right: I'm going to have their tubas tied.

First of all, let me say in my defense that this guy is exaggerating. Granted, I didn't keep exact records, but my accountants--formerly of a much respected American company called Enron--assure me that it couldn't have been much more than 275,000 killed.



280,000 tops.

By the way, I suppose I should mention that I stole the above photo from the unofficial Hillary Clinton Fan Clubwebsite.

People sometimes say to me, "Saddam, running an insurgency must be incredibly expensive. How do you do it? And if it's not too much trouble, could you remove the electrodes from my testicles?"



Well, yes. It is rather expensive. Between the munitions and the death benefits for my fighters, the costs really add up. But by using former AOL and Enron accountants, I'm able to cover it up and make it look like I'm still turning a profit.



Besides, I'm generating huge revenues from sales of the newly released on DVD sex video of me & Paris Hilton. I will confess, however, to editing out the scene where the two of us fell off the bucking camel. I'm saving that for the special Director's Cut edition, due out in time for Ramadan next year.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

And I'll release those electrodes when I damn well please. In the meantime, stop your shrieking. It hurts my ears.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

The other day, President Bush was getting ready to sign some bill and referred to little Terrance Martin, a guest for the ceremony, as a six year old. Well, little Terrance--who apparently has cajones the size of mine--spoke right up and corrected the leader of the free world by pointing out that he's actually seven!!

Bush, in an effort to salvage what little dignity his presidency has left, tried to laugh it off by saying he would "take it up with the fact checker."



Hmmm.... Must've been the same fact checker that said I had weapons of mass destruction out the wazoo!

----------Ajit NinanIndia Times(sent by Vaiday)

So I'm sitting here watching the late night news when I almost choked on my camel & bean burrito.... President Bush lit the United States National Christmas Tree a little while ago.



No big deal, you say?



Well, that would be true except for minor detail: The ceremony was called the Pageant of Peace!!



Bush participating in something containing the word "peace?!?" Now THAT'S ironic!!!!



And YES, I already checked with Alanis Morissette, and she agrees: It's ironic.

----------Gamble, Florida Times

So this morning on the radio I hear some weather forecaster say it's going to be a beautiful fall day here in.... Well, never mind exactly what city. You're not catching me THAT easy! Suffice it to say that today was supposed to be a sparkling late autumn day with temperatures a cool 35 degrees (That's 95 Fahrenheit for you math-challenged Americans, and 308.16 Kelvin for you science geeks).



Ah, yes.... Nothing like a crisp December day in Baghdad.... Er, I mean Fallujah.... Or it could be Mosul.... Or maybe I meant Tikrit.



At any rate, I decided this would be a good day to detail my '73 Chevy Vega. I spent hours washing it, then drying it, and then buffing it to an unbelievable shine with Camel Wax. I even scrubbed the Shiite roadkill residue off the tires. Then I vacuumed the interior and tossed out all the used condoms from under the seats, and coated the dashboard with Armor All. By the time I finished, I was thoroughly exhausted, but the car looked absolutely pristine! I was quite proud of myself.



So then what happens? A damn sandstorm comes up out of f*cking nowhere!!! It never f*cking fails!!!



Needless to say, I tracked down that stupid weatherman from this morning and tortured him. Then I took a break for dinner and to let you, my loyal followers, know what was happening.



Anyway, gotta go. He's regaining consciousness, so I'm going to go reattach the electrodes.



Ciao!

----------Rogers, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

People seem to be marveling at the degree of sophistication and coordination we put into that battle in Samarra the other day.



Gee, thanks!



We worked quite hard to pull that one of. And while it's true that we are facing substantial payouts on the life insurance policies of our brave fighters, we nonetheless succeeded in creating even more anger among the civilian townspeople towards the Americans!



That's how Yasser Arafat does it, you know. He blows up some Israelies, who come into the territories and kill some Palestinians, who then vow revenge and kill more Israelies, who then vow revenge by killing more Palestinians.... Well, you get the picture. After a while no one seems to remember who started it.



Welcome to the middle east!!!

As most of you no doubt already realize, I've had a number of... "differences of opinion" with American Secretary of Satanic Invasions Donald Rumsfeld over the past year.



That said, let me be the first to congratulate the Rumster on his most recent achievement: Winning the prestigious Foot in Mouth award from Britain's Plain English Campaign.



I'm sure Bush was first runner up.

Okay, now I'm pissed at Kim Jong Il. For a couple of years we had been trying to buy a missile system from him, and he was always coming up excuses. One time it was that the guidance systems were on backorder from the factory, or there was a shipping error & they went to Liechtenstein by mistake, or they didn't have them in the color I wanted, or the optional cup holders couldn't hold the 44 oz. Big Gulps I like, or whatever.



Now it turns out the whole deal was a scam and I kept making payments for nothing!



This really shatters my faith in humanity. If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?

----------Correll, Creators Syndicate

President Bush showed up in Baghdad yesterday. He had wanted to meet with me to discuss his surrender, but unfortunately I wasn't able to fit him into my busy schedule. I'm sorry, but I think it's just incredibly rude, inconsiderate, and thoughtless to just show up unannounced like that and expect ME to drop everything!

The fact is that with all this constant moving around to elude capture, while at the same time trying to mount an effective insurgency against an unwelcome occupying force is quite time consuming. And that's not even including the hours upon hours I spend slaving over a hot laptop writing and researching this blog!

I told him to just call my secretary next time.

----------KAL, Baltimore Sun

It's not cheap living a life on the run. With all the constant necessities such as food, gas, tires, hotel rooms, bribes, and hookers, the overhead costs quickly accumulate. In going through my wallet this afternoon I realized I was almost out of money again.

Guess it's time to sell another of those sex tapes I secretly recorded of me and Paris Hilton.

----------KAL, Baltimore Sun

Well, this hardly seems fair. I just found out that Bush has pardoned a turkey, of all things. Apparently this is some sort of tradition that dates back to 1947. Now, please understand that I have nothing against tradition. Tradition gives continuity to an otherwise meaningless existence and serves to tie us to those who came before, and serves as a reminder that though these mortal shells in which we exist shall cease to do so someday, some things will live on.

You know, for a moment that previous sentence sounded like it was going to be incredibly profound....

Anyway, my point is that while some traditions are worthwhile, others are just plain stupid. And I'm sorry, and don't tell PETA I said this, but pardoning a damn bird is just plain stupid.

May I suggest that Bush start a new tradition? Every year, just before Thanksgiving, the President pardons a world renown ruthless dictator.

And I know just who I'd like to nominate as the first recipient....

----------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

Longtime followers of my propaganda.... Er, I mean, uh.... "Truthful teachings," already know that I despise Fox News, and that I have often suggested that perhaps their executives are borderline psychotics.

I wish to apologize for that. There is nothing "borderline" about those wackos.

Now I know that some of you are probably thinking that the reason I don't like Fox is that they don't like me. Well, that would be just plain downright petty on my part, wouldn't it? Kind of like the time I mailed a sack of camel droppings to Bill O'Reilly. Er, I mean, IF I were to ever have mailed.... Never mind.

My point is that it is not merely my own prejudices that have led me to conclude they're insane over there. I have actual, substantiated, unadulterated proof: They tried to sue themselves!

Apparently what happened is that The Simpsons--the one show on American TV that dares tell it like it is--did a parody of the Fox News crawler that they run at the bottom of the screen. The infidel idiots at Fox News argued that some people might mistake The Simpsons crawler for actual, real news items.

How preposterous is that? I mean, if people aren't stupid enough to believe the crawlers at the bottoms of the actual Fox News programs, why on Earth would they think The Simpsons ones are real?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

The Americans say they are trying to send a message by blowing up the houses of civilians. Well, I'd say they're succeeding in sending a message all right, but I have to wonder if it's the same one my people are receiving.

Then again, I shouldn't complain. It makes my citizens long for the good old days when all they had to worry about were my secret police kicking in the doors.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Some group is now condemning our guerrilla attacks as being somehow in violation of "human rights."

Well, this is certainly an odd twist. Usually these type of goody-goody Berkeley-type liberals are just positively oozing with self-righteousness and are too busy condemning their own country's very existence to worry about the rest of the world.

I suppose I should feel honored!

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Interesting concept, this democracy. When necessary, you force it on people whether the majority wants it or not.

----------Jim Borgeman, Cincinatti Inquirer

Okay, let me distance myself from these most recent attacks in which rockets were launched from donky-carts. Now you must understand that while I provide inspiration to my valiant troops and provide them with general guidance, much of the actual day-to-day operational planning and project executions are left to others. I just show up for meetings, say a few words, smile, shake hands, plant manly kisses on other mens' cheeks, wave, and slit a throat or two. Then I'm outta there.

Think of Dilbert's boss, only with a mustache.

So that's why I'm saying I didn't know about the specifics of these latest attacks involving donkey carts. Please understand that while I am ambitious, I am also prudent.

I am not afraid to take on the full might of the United States military, and I consider the United Nations to be a bunch of wusses. However, one thing I will NOT do is piss off the PETA people.

Even I know my limitations.

That rash that had been on the inside of my thighs has now spread to my crotch, and it itches like crazy. Needless to say, I'm getting some very odd looks from other motorists as I drive by in my Vega.

But I'm just scratching myself.

Really.

I swear.

THis is an absolute outrage!!! Some Iraqi general I've never even heard of is claiming that I'm NOT the one behind the guerrilla insurgency. He claims that all the different groups are operating indepedent of one another.

What poppycock.

Next he'll be claiming that I'm not really driving around Iraq in a '73 Chevy Vega.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

President Whathisname of the United States has taken the opportunity of his visit to London to finally admit that the war against my peace mongering nation is "unpopular."

Gee, I wonder what gave it away? Perhaps the 1.5 million screaming protesters surrounding Buckingham Palace may have provided a subtle clue.

----------Oliphant

I see that freak Michael Jackson is back in the news. What a frikkin' weirdo.... I remember about 15 years ago he was in Baghdad to do a concert. I went backstage to introduce myself and caught that pervert molesting a goat!!!

Oh, wait.... Actually, there's nothing wrong with that.

Well, Bush is off to England. No doubt he and Tony Blair will be fighting over the lifeboat as their respective ships of state continue to list further and further to starboard.

Or is it to port?

No matter. What is important is that they should both have steered clear of the iceberg named "Iraq."

I think maybe I'm spending too much time just sitting in the car. I'm developing some sort of rash on the inside of my thighs.

----------Oliphant

President Bush has given an exclusive interview to Britain's rag, The Sun. This is the newspaper that prints photos of naked women on page three, a feature which is its only redeeming quality.

What makes this interview unusual, however, is that the American leader rarely grants such exclusive interviews, even to papers in his own country. Naturally, then, one would have to wonder why Bush would pick The Sun for such a rare exclusive.

Say, doesn't Rupert Murdock own The Sun? Why, yes, he does! And doesn't Murdoch also own Fox News, which has been a fiercely staunch supporter of this unfair act of aggression against me? Why, yes, he does! Could all this just be a wild coincidence, as opposed to some sort of returning of a favor?

If I were a suspicious man, I'd say Murdoch is still pissed about the time he caught me in the backseat of my Vega with his daughter.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I have to hand it to Jessica Lynch. Her honesty and candor have gone a long way towards exposing the Bush administration's bungled manipulation of the truth.

Then again, not everyone can be an expert at manipulating the truth like me.

The United States has announced that it plans to turn over the administration of Iraq to its puppet governing council next summer. Of course, the reason for this accelerated timetable is that they're trying to get the hell out of here before Howard Dean is elected President next November.

The silly Americans remain under the delusion, however, that this country can exist peacefully with a democratically elected government. Now stop laughing; I'm being serious. People in the Bush administration actually believe that!! These are no doubt the same government officials who think Star Trek is a documentary.

There is, of course, no way democracy can take root here. We have too many ethnic groups that are suspicious of one another. The Kurds will always be trying to overthrow the Sunnis who will be trying to overthrow Shiites who will be trying to overthrow the Kurds. Peace? In the middle east? Not in our lifetimes, nor even in this particular 30 billion year cycle between the Big Bangs which create and ultimately destroy our universe.

As I'm sure all of you are aware, I have mentioned on several occasions that I sometimes dress as a woman to foil my pursuers. Now please understand that I take NO pleasure in this, and do it strictly to bedevil those who are after me.

Well, okay, maybe just a little teensy-weensy, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy bit of pleasure, but just in terms of breaking up the monotony of always wearing pants.

There's nothing sexual about it.

Well..... Never mind.

My point is that in addition to the frequent wardrobe changes, I have also undergone some, er, let us say, "cosmetic" surgery. My surgeon is an excellent doctor; in fact, Cher sees him every six months for her semi-annual tuneups.

Since many of you have been with me quite a while now, I thought I would let you see what I look like now. I am doing this as a gesture of good will only to my most loyal followers; don't let the CIA get their grubby little infidel hands on it.

-----Thanks to Tanakh613

I am deeply touched by all the recent outpouring of love, affection, and adulation being directed in my direction. First, Mr. Rumsfeld continues to express interest in meeting me. In fact, he has dispatched 125,000 emissaries to Iraq in an effort to track me down. Not an easy task, however, as my work requires I move around a lot. Then yesterday, someone sent me my very own link button! How touching is that?!? And now today, Norman Geras has published an interview which he recently conducted with yours truly as we cruised through the streets of Mosul looking for chicks. And while we didn't have any luck finding women, I did introduce Norm to the joys of goat sex:



1) You don't have to buy them dinner first.

2) They never ask to "just cuddle."

3) No constant yakking in your ear while you concentrate on channel surfing.

4) You don't have to remember to put the toilet back down.

5) And if the two of you ultimately decide to move in together, you don't have to worry about silly frou-frou crap like doilies and coasters.

6) A steady supply of healthy, lowfat goat milk.

I have many friends throughout the world, and not all of them are necessarily in Russia, France, Germany, or Berkeley. My good friend Brian at PerplexingTimes.com has prepared a special link button just for me. Those of you so inclined may add this to your own worthless sites.

I am sure this is nothing more than a blatant attempt on Brian's part to curry favor with me, but it worked. As a reward for his hard work, I shall give him five "keep your head for free" cards.

Click here if you need the code.

Now the Americans want to hold elections in my country next summer.

Fat chance.

The situation in Iraq at the moment is such that the only people cooperating with the unlawful agents of democracy are the ones with a death wish. That's how it works now, you know. An Iraqi man comes home early one day, catches his wife with the milkman, which would be highly unusual since we don't have cows, and decides life is no longer worth living. So what does he do? He goes out into the middle of the street and announces at the top of his lungs that he is going to begin cooperating with the Americans.

Granted, Doctor Kevorkian's methods were less messy, but the two techniques are equally effective.

My point is, who in their right mind is going to run for office? The members of the so-called Iraqi Governing Council, who to their credit haven't done squat so far, are essentially great big walking targets.

And how, exactly, is the voting going to be handled? Are they going to bring over those voting machines from Florida? Yeah, right. Even if they DO manage to hold an election, the results will be tied up in court till 2006.

But that's okay, because by then Howard Dean will be halfway through his first term as President.

People are beginning to figure out that, hey, maybe that rascal Saddam has a strategy after all, and that these supposedly unorganized attacks are actually part of a master plan!

Well, DUH!!!

The beauty of what's happening now is that the more the occupiers crack down in an effort to stop the attacks, the more my people start to realize that "good ol' Saddam wasn't all that bad after all. Yeah, sure, occasionally family members who dared speak out against him would disappear, suffer odd accidental deaths in pits filled with cobras, or have their tongues cut out, but at least we had running water and reliable electricity. These clowns from across the ocean, on the other hand, can't even keep their own damn power on back in the States!!"

Wonderful news, everyone!! Now the Central Infidel Agency itself has come out with a report saying that my people are losing faith in the Americans!! This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, though. I mean, I think pretty much everyone at some point or another has experienced houseguests who overstay their welcome and refuse to catch the hint that it's time to leave.

We've dropping subtle hints ourselves for the last six months, and so far, our unwanted "guests" are still here. They are a playful bunch, however, as they insist on engaging me in a game of hide & seek.

And so far, I'm winning.

----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

One of the world's richest men, George Soros, has given almost $15 million of his own money towards the defeat of George Bush. He goes as far as to call the present administration to world peace. And quite frankly, from where I'm sitting (the corner of Thawra and Kifa Streets in Baghdad), I would tend to agree with him.

By the way, Soros is Hungarian. Wonder if he knows that Lugosi guy?

Remind me to put him on my Christmas card list.

President Bush is concerned that religious fanatics want to take over Iraq. This is rather ironic, since it is Bush himself who is seeking to turn the United States into a christian theocracy.

Bush's concern, however, is that Islamic extremists are seeking to take control of my country. And as much as I hate to say it, I have to agree with him for once: Letting the nutcases take over would be a bad idea. And do I need to point out yet again that we wouldn't have this problem if a certain superpower hadn't come in here and started screwing with the status quo in the first place? But N-O-O-o-o-o-O-O-O-o-o-o!!!!! Bush just coudn't leave well enough alone, could he?

Tell you what, Mr. Bush: Let me return to power, and I'll take care of the nutty Shiites once and for all.

Of course, that would entail the use of my non-existent weapons of mass destruction....

Is it possible to lose a war by winning badly? Richard Hart Sinnreich certainly seems to think so, and makes an interesting argument that that is precisely what the Americans are doing in Iraq.

Still, his thinking is flawed in one key aspect: He seems to say that the United States should have come into my country with overwhelming force and completely crushed us.

On the other hand, I of course prefer to think that the invaders did, in fact, hit us with everything they had, and that they simply were no match for my far superior forces. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I have emerged triumphant from this conflict.

Okay, technically speaking, I'm not quite completely triumphant.

Yet.

But I will be soon.

Well, maybe not soon, but eventually.

Question: How do you keep an infidel in suspense?

----------Bill Day, Memphis Commercial Appeal

I'm looking forward to tonight's lunar eclipse, which should be starting in just a few hours.

It is at times such as this when I get just a bit philosophical about life.... When one looks around at all the bickering here on Earth, and then looks up at the heavens and considers the vastness of it all, and the finely tuned celestial mechanics that keep everything in motion, and the delicate balancing act between gravity and centrifugal force that keeps planets from plunging into one another, THAT'S when one begins to realize what is truly important in this vast universe of ours.

And what's important at the moment is NOT frikkin' Jupiter's orbital path, but repelling these stinking invading hordes seeking to shove freedom and democracy on an innocent nation that has never hurt anyone.... Recently.

Still, it's nice to take an occasional break from our valiant struggle to reimpose oppression on ourselves by gazing heavenward. And if you decide to do the same, be careful not to look at the moon directly during the eclipse or it will ruin your night vision. It is safest to view it through a smoked lens of some sort.

Or do what I do: Grab yourself an unarmed Shiite refugee and shove the barrel of your grenade launcher into the nape of his neck and have him describe the eclipse to you.

Works for me every time.

Anyone who continues to doubt that Bush was hellbent on attacking me should read this article about how he rebuffed my last minute olive branch. Granted, I had made dozens of deals and promises over the years that I broke as soon as it was convenient. But this time it was different, mainly because I was surrounded by 150,000 American troops. So I was quite probably in all likelihood maybe possibly more or less kind of fully prepared to live up to any new commitments I might have made. At least until the troop strength dropped back down below 50,000.

Really.

I swear.

Cross my heart and hope to.... Well, never mind.

Remember last fall and winter when all the anti-war demonstrators were saying Bush was going to attack me so that his friends could profit from rebuilding my country?

Well, turns out they were right.

Uh-oh....

Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks is pregnant.... With twins.

That means I now have TWO reasons to remain in hiding: First, to elude capture and certain death at the hands of the foreign freedom obsessed occupiers; second, to avoid having to pay child support.

On the other hand, I do have a couple of openings for new sons....

----------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

In a most odd development, the Los Angeles Times has banned the use of the term "resistance fighters" when referring to my, um, well, resistance fighters. This really doesn't make sense. The paper is located right in the heart of the Saddam Triangle, which stretches from San Diego to San Francisco to Berkely to Oakland.

Granted, that may seem like an odd shape for a triangle, but I am a dictator, and therefore it is only fair that I decide what qualifies as geometry around here.

Kapiche?

The Times is apparently concerned that the term resistance fighters somehow "romanticizes" those still loyal to me. Well, I would have to disagree with that. Have you ever smelled an Iraqi male who's been out in the desert for two months without a shower? Trust me when I say there ain't nuthin' romantic about it, okay?

Besides, what else would you call someone who is actively opposed to a foreign occupying power hellbent on unjustly imposing freedom and democracy on a people who clearly prefer a brutal dictatorship?

I saw Matrix: Revolutions this afternoon. Caught the very first showing of it at 5 PM our time. Quite frankly, I'm not sure of the logic behind opening it worldwide at 9 AM EST (United States time). That was already 2 AM at the International Dateline, which is the number I always call for dates with foreign chicks. Why does everything always have to revolve around New York? Why couldn't it open at, say, 9 AM Tikrit time? Once again, the scheduling of this movie is yet another example of the United States imposing its will upon the rest of the world.

Anyway, I was surprised the theater wasn't more crowded. I'm guessing most people were at home working on car bombs. The movie was quite good; certainly much better than Matrix: Rebooted, or whatever the hell the second one was called. The only part that really dragged was towards the end, when Neo and Trinity have a sappy "I love you; No, I love you more" scene. This, of course, is going on even as people are being slaughtered by the thousands in Zion.

Such drivel.

But the theater experience, as always, disgusted me. First of all, I kept having to change seats every ten minutes to foil my pursuers. But then I also had to put with crying babies (who the hell brings a frikkin' baby to an R-rated film!?!), crunching popcorn, peoples' heads blocking the screen, crinkling cellophane wrappers, broken seats, and kids tossing Raisonettes at one another. Even worse, at one point, my combat boots got stuck to the damn floor!! Then again, I have to accept the fact that Iraq is still essentially a third world country; I'm sure movie theaters in a fully developed nation like the United States are much nicer.

So I do recommend the film, provided you've seen the first two. Otherwise, you'll be as lost as the American intelligence services.

And yes, the fight scenes--as always--are great. They should be, since I'm the one who taught Keanu Reeves all those fancy martial arts moves. Especially the parts where they cartwheel across the ceiling (gravity is for sissies).

And before you ask: No, we never dated.

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

William Raspberry has written an interesting opinion piece. It talks about an old legend that says African tribesmen used to trap monkeys by cutting small holes in coconuts. Then they would fill the coconuts with rice or some other food which appeals to the monkeys.

The little fellows would then come along and squeeze their open paws through the opening. They would grasp the rice inside BUT--and this the hilarious part--then find themselves unable to remove their now closed fist from the hole. So the monkey is now stuck!

Of course, all he has to do is open his fist and he would be able to extract his open paw. But that would also mean giving up the rice, and they're unwilling to do that!

Raspberry's point is that I'm a monkey and Bush is a coconut.... No, wait.... I think I'M supposed to be the coconut and BUSH is the monkey.... Yes, that would seem to make more sense.

And, of course, my oil is like the rice. Bush has his fist around it, but he's stuck inside the coconut of Iraq, and unwilling to loosen his grip on my oil. All in all, HIGHLY ironic situation!!

Hold on.... I just got an IM from Alanis Morissette. Let me see what she wants....

Okay, here's the deal: Alanis says the coconut story is NOT irony. It's actually something called a "metaphor." Whatever. I always thought metaphors were those rocks that fell from space. I'll just pretend I know what she's talking about. That always worked when we were dating.

Anyway, in the meantime maybe I can distract Bush with a banana long enough to get my coconut back.

----------Bill Day, Memphis Commercial Appeal
(Thanks to Vaiday Subbaraman for sending it in)

I have to hand it to the Washington Post. They actually get a story or two right on occasion. They have finally figured out why I never launched a serious counterattack: I believed my French and Russian buddies when they said I could easily survive a land invasion by the US.

I suppose that in a strictly technical and narrowly defined legal sense, they were right. I'm still alive!

----------Wasserman, Boston Globe

On Halloween, I made brief mention of the Legend of Camelman. One of my many legions of readers, a Mr. Bill, left a comment asking me to more fully explain the story. Now, as a busy despot struggling to reclaim my country so that I can get back to the important business of slaughtering various ethnic groups, I don't usually have time for requests. In fact, merely talking to me can get you killed. However, Mr. Bill amuses me at times, much like a gay animal trainer in fancy clothes amuses a tiger. Uh.... Not that I'm gay, you understand. That was just intended as an example.

However, I'm in a good mood tonight. Therefore, I have decided to share with you, my beloved infidel readers...

The Legend of Camelman

When I was growing up, and even as a young, studly man baggin' babes left and right, I used to hear stories about some half-man, half-camel creature known as "Camelman." Supposedly this beast prowled the desert of northwestern Iraq, occassionally feasting on unsuspecting good looking teenagers foolishly caught in the throes of unbridled hormonal passion. But I, as all other well educated Iraqi citizens (both of them) dismissed the tales as fables concocted by superstitious villagers to keep the kids in line. However, I would soon learn that it was I who was ignorant....



It was late 1973 when I was on a date with Barbara Streisand. We were in the backseat of my brand new Chevy Vega while parked at the Tikrit Drive-In Cinema and Drafthouse. All of a sudden, Babs jumped up and said she thought she heard something.



Well, I'm busy rounding third base and heading for home plate, so of course I'm going to tell her that I didn't hear anything, so put your hand back where it was.



No sooner did I start my slide in for the score, that the car began rocking back & forth, up & down, and side to side. Meanwhile, she's screaming at the top of her lungs, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD...." Needless to say I was feeling pretty darn proud of my performance.... At least until I realized I wasn't the one rocking the car... OR Barbara!



I looked up only to see some hideous apparition with a furry face, big ears, and a great big hump on his back clawing at the windows! Well, I immediately yelled and reached for my gun, but the man-beast galloped off into the night before I could shoot my load.



Er, the load in my gun, I mean.



So a few years later, after I had come to power, I kept hearing the tales about Camelman. It continued to terrorize the people in the area between Baghdad, Tikrit, and Fallujah, and my fellow Sunnis were begging me to help. Of course, my aids all thought these people were nuts, and I couldn't let on that I knew the stories were true. Plus, we were at war with Iran, so I couldn't just order my generals to go chasing after some myth. Well, I guess I could have, but then they'd start talking behind my back, and I'd have to launch a purge, and execute dozens of previously loyal underlings. And going into a war, I frankly didn't need the distraction.



So in September of '81 I recruited 18 students from Baghdad's Kadhimya High School to go look for Camelman. Well, except I kind of lied. First time in my life, too. I told them it was part of some sort of science project. I calculated that if they disappeared, then I'd have an excuse to send military units up there to search for them.... And for anything else... "suspicious."



Needless to say, they vanished without a trace.



So I began sending army units into the area. But they, too, would either disappear entirely, or else turn up dead horribly mutilated.



Meanwhile, I'm trying to fight a frikkin' war with Iran, so my resources were somewhat limited. Yet, I also couldn't just ignore the Camelman problem. If he had been victimizing Kurds or Shiites, I wouldn't have given a crap. But this... "thing" was eating my fellow Sunni Muslims. We were already a minority of the population, so I could ill afford to keep losing supporters. Plus, I shrewdly realized that if I got rid of Camelman once and for all, the people of the "Sunni Triangle" would be forever indebted to me. After all, one never knows when one might need to go into hiding for an extended period of time....



So the last week of October, I decided to go after Camelman myself. Nothing happened the first few nights, but on the 31st, I heard a strange noise outside my tank. I peeked outside, and sure enough, it was HIM!!!



But before I could react, Camelman ripped the main barrel right off the turret and ate it. Hoping for reinforcements, I immediatly started driving towards Fallujah with him right behind me. Then, on the outskirts of the city, the stupid tank ran out of gas! I scrambled out the safety hatch just as he began tearing the turret to shreds. I bravely began lobbing grenades at the creature, but Camelman just ate those as well. I tried firing a few mortar rounds at him, but he was still hungry.



I briefly toyed with the idea of taming Camelman and starting an animal act in Vegas, but that dream disappeared in a puff of reality when the beast devoured my machine gun. It was at this point, seemingly face to face with the instrument of my death, that I vowed to never again be caught without a supply of weapons of mass destruction.



My eyes gaught the gleam of my sword amid the tattered remains of my tank. It had only recently been forged from special steel in Japan by a retired Samurai Master. And for the skeptics among you, I'm actually quite good with a sword. Who do you think taught Uma Thurman her technique in Kill Bill? That's right; it was me. Back when the two of us were dating, of course. But I digress....



In a bold move, I somersaulted over his head, performing a dramatic slow-motion triple backflip in midair for no discernable reason except that it looked really cool, and landed behind Camelman. He swung at me wildly with his tail, but I deftly avoided it by cartwheeling across the ground. In one smooth move I grabbed my sword, lept to my feet, and ran up the wall of a nearby three story building to the roof. From there. I saw a telephone cable directly over the now thoroughly confused creature's head and jumped. Grabbing the cable with one hand and holding the sword in the other, I sliced through the thick wire like it was butter. I swung down towards Camelman, and blindly swung the blade.



As I landed in a cloud of dust just down the street, I turned just in time to see the beast's head fall to the ground and roll down a storm drain. The rest of the body stood there motionless for a moment, then toppled forward and landed with a dull thud in the dirt.



And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of Camelman.

Epilogue

Stories persist to this day that the ghost of Camelman appears every Halloween and wanders the streets of Fallujah searching for his missing head. However, in 22 years, there has never been another documented attack by the creature.

Sorry. Don't have time to update today. I'm tied up at the Baghdad Kinko's printing fliers. In the meantime, amuse yourselves with the following:



Non-Sequitur--by Wiley