In case you missed the story, a recently released tape reveals the American President admitting to past drug use. This comes not from Dan Rather, but a family friend who secretly taped the then Governor Bush in 1998.
Well, that would certainly explain what he was thinking when he decided to invade Iraq.
President Bush continues to encounter protesters in Europe. Most of them are voicing their displeasure at his unlawful, illegal, and highly irregular invasion of my peace loving nation. And for that I am eternally grateful. Really. I'm moved beyond words.
However, I am disturbed by the prescence of a few loudmouths who are demonstrating against Bush because of his opposition to the Kyoto treaty about that greenhouse gas crap. This bothers me because it distracts from a far more important matter: Me and my continued imprisonment on trumped up charges of crimes against humanity.
How many times do I have to explain that they were NOT crimes against humanity? They were crimes against Shiites and Kurds!!! There's a difference!!!
But I digress... What's important--and it pains me to say this--is that I have to agree with Bush on this particular matter. Yes, it's true: I, too, refused to sign the Kyoto Accords.
The treaty would have seriously cramped my style. Setting entire oil fields on fire releases tens of thousands of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and we would have quickly exceeded the limits imposed on us by the Kyoto treaty.
And quite frankly, blowing up oil fields was half the fun of invading Kuwait!
President Bush is in Europe and he's busy calling for unity.
Isn't that kind of like closing the barn door after the camels have gotten out?
Did you hear about Mullah Mohammed Naeem? He's some Taliban leader they caught in Afghanistan.
But Saddam, I hear many of you asking. We thought you didn't have any 'meaningful relationships' with the Taliban. What gives?
Excellent question, Mr. Italics. And I still don't have any 'meaningful relationships' with them. Just because I'm mentioning them in a blog entry should in no way be misconstrued as proof of the contacts Cheney kept blathering about last fall during that stupid election campaign.
No, the only reason I bring this story up is because I found it to be absolutely hilarious. Naeem was arrested by Afghan troops who found him--get this--hiding in a well!!!
Oh, right....
I mean, how frikkin' pathetic is that!?! What kind of leader tries to hide from his enemies by crawling into a hole in the ground!?!?!?!
In a surprise move, President Bush has nominated his ambassador to Iraq, John Negroponte, as the United States' new head of intelligence. Quite frankly, I never thought very highly of Negroponte, but he has proven himself to be quite smart.
After all, he had enough sense to get the hell out of Iraq!
P.S.
Back on Feb. 5, I posted a cartoon by Ruben Oppenheimer. Mr. Oppenheimer himself saw the posting and was kind enough to send a color version of the same cartoon, which I have since posted. I guess this just goes to prove that not all infidels are mean-spirited warmongers hellbent on invading poor, defenseless countries that would never harm a sandfly.
Well, unless it was a Shiite sandfly, of course....
New allegations of prisoner abuse have surfaced at Guantananmo Bay, but with a twist: Supposedly, female interrogators were using sexually suggestive methods to get information from the inmates. The women would do things like rub up against the detainees, sit in their laps, and wear skimpy clothes.
If true, these new allegations are absolutely outrageous!!!!
How come I've never been questioned like that!?!?!
Sometimes I am amazed by the kind of scams people come up with. And no, I'm not referring to my oil for food deal.
I'm referring to some of the internet based scams that are out there. The best known of those are the ones those stupid Nigerians send out. You know the ones: "Hi, I'm Moumbuttu Ugambawamba, and I am trying to smuggle $17 million out of my country. Can you help me? Just send me your checking account information." Needless to say, I started to get a little suspicious after we fell for that one a few dozen times.
In fact, you know all those billions of dollars I and my sons supposedly looted from Iraq's national treasury? Well.... We, uh, didn't.
That's right. Those damn Nigerians got it all. Every last dinar. Stupid Uday gave them our account numbers, and the next thing we knew, POOF!! The whole damn country was broke.
I bring this up only because now there's a new version of the scam floating around, and this one involves American soldiers trying to smuggle millions of dollars out of Iraq. The only problem is that it's not true.
I'm not sure who's behind this new con job, but I don't think it's the Nigerians. The grammar in the email is much too good for them. But I do have a theory: It's Bush! That's right, Bush!
It's his latest attempt to fund Social Security.
Longtime readers will know that I'm not a sentimental kind of guy. In fact, if there's one thing I detest more than Kurds and Shiites, it's sappy, overly sentimental stories.
Nonetheless, I recognize that some of you weenies may enjoy such worthless drivel. Therefore I thought I would share an article about something that happened during Bush's State of the Union address the other evening.
Now if any of you women readers want to cry, fine. Go ahead. But if I catch any of you guy readers with so much as a tear in your eye, rest assured I will personally rip the testicles from your body. Real men don't cry, so if you do start sobbing like a girl, it will be obvious that you have no use for balls.
So here's the story: Seated next to Laura Bush during the speech was Janet Norwood, who recently lost a son in Iraq. And seated behind her was some Iraqi chick named Safia al-Souhail. Now some of you may wonder why Safia was there. Well, apparently I killed her father a few year's ago. And the Bush people, desperate to justify their invasion of Iraq, decided to trot her out onto national TV.
Did I kill her father? Hell, I don't know. It's not like I kept track of all the people I had killed. After all, I was busy running a country--a country free of all WMD's, I might add--so it's not like I could be expected to keep track of such mundane details as the names of people I had put to death. I mean, if we had to fill out a damn form every time we executed someone, we'd never have had time to oppress the masses.
Needless to say, at some key moment, the two women--one who lost her father, and another who lost her son--decided to hug.... And my own public approval ratings suddenly went in the toilet.
I have long maintained that the Iraqi people are kind of stupid and secretly crave for a despot to rule them. If any of you have ever doubted me on this point, you need only look at yesterday's election results to see that I'm right.
Despite the constant risk of instant or near-instant death from snipers, exploding cars, suicide bombers, kidnappers, terrorists, crashing helicopters, friendly fire incidents, scorpions, tarantulas, rabid camels, and the stench of decaying corpses littering the streets, 60% of my citizens turned out to vote. Can you believe THAT!?!?! All they had to do was stay at home behind their locked doors, and everything would have been fine. But instead of playing it safe, 60% of Iraqis ventured out, risking life and limb, to vote.
It's just plain embarrassing. Makes me ashamed to admit I used to rule these fools. Seriously: What the hell were they thinking? Didn't they have any idea how dangerous it was to leave home?
All I can think of is that these people were so eager to see me return to power that they wanted to rush down to their local polling places and vote for me!! Yes, that must be it! It's the only possible logical explanation!
It's truly wonderful to be so beloved by your citizens.... (sniff!)
First, let me apologize for not posting for the last several days. I had the flu, and I blame the stupid Americans for it. It seems they didn't have enough vaccine to go around! Can you believe it? The richest country in the world running out of flu shots?!?! And I had to pay the price for their incompetence!! Anyway, obviously I couldn't be crawling through the ceiling to the general's office while coughing and sneezing and hocking up mouthfuls of phlegm. Someone might have heard me.
Now, onto more important matters...
The strongest words against Rice have come from California's (obviously a blue state) Barbara Boxer, who has repeatedly accused Rice of lying and misleading the American people. In response, the Secretary of State nominee said she didn't appreciate anyone "impugning my credibility or my integrity."
Needless to say, I briefly held out hopes for a good old fashioned catfight, but it was not to be.
I don't think anyone is trying to impugne her credibility and/or integrity. The real problem is that she has neither credibility nor integrity to begin with!! If one does not posses certain qualities, those qualities can not be impugned! Am I right, or as usual, am I right?
You're damn right I'm right!
One more point: I don't know what kind of dental benefit plan Rice has, but she needs to seriously see about getting a new orthodontist.
Well, things here in Iraq are certainly looking up.... For the insurgency, I mean. Attacks on poll workers are up, kidnappings are up, and car bombings are up. If things were any more up, the place would explode like a nuclear bomb!
Er, not that we have any of those, which we don't. We never did. Got that? No nuclear bombs here. If you want nukes, you need to look next door in IraN. They're the guys who spell their country's name with an "N" instead of a "Q."
But I digress.... The closer Iraq gets to the elections, the more dangerous it becomes. And what exactly is the point of having them? The vast majority of the people will be afraid to go to the polls. And those the brave fools do decide to cast a ballot won't have a clue of who they're voting for. That's because most of the candidates have been afraid to campaign, or even give their names! So no one even knows who's running!
Plus the people that do show up are going to have to park a mile away since no one will be able to park near the polling places. No one wants to walk that far to vote, only to then get back to your car to discover it's now a smoldering pile of twisted scrap metal because you parked next to a truck bomb! Do you have any idea what all these suicide bombers are doing to car insurance rates in Baghdad? Believe me, you don't want to know.
This election is just way too complicated to succeed. At least when I was running things, and it came time for elections, you knew exactly who to vote for: ME!! I was the only name on the ballot, so people didn't have to worry about complicated choices or the candidates' positions on stuff like social security and the arctic wildlife refuge. One choice and one vote: what could be simpler than that?
Ah, the good old days....
When it became obvious that I didn't have any stinkin' WMD's--even the respected Russian news organization Pravda now says I had been telling the truth all along--Bush had to come up with new reasons to justify the invasion. He even went as far as to create a new cabinet level position, the Secretary of the Department of Excuses for Invading Peace Loving Nations That Have Never Done Anything Bad Except for Occasionally Invading Smaller Neighbors (EIPLNTHNDABEOISN). One of EIPLNTHNDABEOISN's more noble sounding reasons was the thing about making the world safer.
So.... Has deposing me (temporarily, of course) made the world safer from terrorists?
The infidel American newswoman Barbara Walters is interviewing President Bush tonight, and I plan to watch it. I'm sure she'll have a lot of questions about Iraq, and there's one in particular I'm hoping she'll ask: "Mr. President, when you decided to invade Iraq, what the f*ck were you thinking?"
But I'm not holding my breath.
The United States has finally OFFICIALLY called off the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Actually, they did so a few weeks ago, but I guess they didn't want to draw a lot of attention to the fact that their entire reason for invading my country has now gone down the toilet.
That's the sort of embarassment you don't want to draw a whole lot of attention to.... Especially when you're preparing for your second inauguration.
There's wonderful news out of Britain today! Support for the Iraq war among the English has dropped to a record low!!! Only 29% of the British people think invading me was the right thing to do.
Coincidentally, a new study has found that 29% of the Bitish people are morons.
There's more talk that the increasing levels of violence, coupled with a Sunni boycott of the voting, will render the upcoming elections meaningless.
This time, however, there's a new twist: The Association of Muslim Scholars, a Sunni group which has been calling for the boycott, has offered to drop that order provided the United States sets a definitive date for the withdrawl of the occupying troops. Bush has refused to set such a date in the past, and I personally don't see any reason why he would now.
A funny thing happened near Mosul yesterday. The Americans dropped a 500 pound bomb on the wrong frikkin' house!! Yep, that's one way to gain the love, trust, and admiration of the people you are trying to help.
Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so critical of the infidel occupiers. After all, silly mistakes do happen.
In fact, I remember this one time a few years back when I told my cousin, Chemical Ali, to gas the Kurds (this was back when I still had WMD's, which as the whole world now knows, I no longer do). I noticed that he looked a bit puzzled, but he saluted and said he would do it immediately.
So what does he do? He attacks the sewage treatment plant.
Turns out he thought I told him to gas the turds!!!!
Many of you have no doubt been asking yourselves, Hey Saddam, what did you think of that tsunami? We would ask you in person, but we're afraid we would get blown up on the way to visit you.
Let me first say that I can understand your concerns. It's not safe out there any more, and your blithering cowardice makes me want to heave my guts in the safety of my prison cell. Beyond that, I'm of course opposed to tsunamis of mass destruction.
Now don't get me wrong: It's not that I don't like the death and mayhem they unleash in their path. In fact, I'm rather jealous of them in that regard! Do you have any idea how many Shiites a properly directed tidal wave could kill? Too bad we live in a frikkin' desert.
Iraqi interim Prime Minister Ayad Allawi, whose sole task is to stay alive while keeping my seat warm, continues to insist that the elections will take place at the end of this month. This, despite stepped up violence throughout the country. In fact, just in the last day, there have been three more suicide bombings.
That raises an interesting question: How come you never hear about any veteran suicide bombers?
Anyway, Allawi goes on to say that once the elections are held, the violence will drop off. He does NOT say why he thinks this will happen, or whether he also believes in the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny.
When my sons were killed, it was predicted that the violence would diminish; it didn't.
After I was captured, the experts said the insurgency would die down; it didn't.
It was expected that after the transfer of power last June, the resistance would die; again, it didn't.
So then why would elections make a difference? It will only get worse, especially since many of the Sunni parties have dropped out of the running. And regardless of whether they participate in the voting or not, there's no way the Sunni population will allow themselves to be governed by Shiites.
In a surprise development, President Bush may be joining the real world. He has finally admitted that the insurgents are "having an effect."
An effect!?!? Give me a break!!!! That's like saying a tsunami can have "an effect" on a beach umbrella.
If Bush is finally starting to admit that things in Iraq aren't exactly quite hunky-dory, then you know the United States is in serious trouble.
And if that's not bad enough, a new poll shows that 56% of Americans now believe invading me was a mistake. This is significant, because this is the first time a majority of the American people have disagreed with Bush on this topic.
One of the major Sunni parties has announced that it is pulling out of next month's elections because it's too dangerous for the candidates. This, of course, only serves to further call into question the legitimacy of any future election results. The Sunnis will refuse to accept rule by a Shiite majority government, and the Shiites will argue that it's not their fault the Sunnis pulled out. The arguments will go back and forth, getting louder with each change, until a car bomb goes off and shuts everyone up.
And now even Bin Laden is getting involved, a move I'm not too thrilled about. Cheney's only going to take advantage of Binny's latest tape as proof that he and I had serious ties. That, of course, is utter nonsense. As I've said many times before, bin Laden's a self-righteous prick who's always trying to appease Allah. "I love you Allah," he's always saying. "I'm going to serve you gloriously by having someone other than me martyr themselves for you." Yeah, yeah. Put a sock in it, Osama.
My only concerns, on the other hand, are consolidating power, increasing my collection of gold toilets, maintaining the desire to wish to eventually possibly acquire weapons of mass destruction sometime in the distant future, and getting laid.
What could be more noble than that?
Disturbing news out of New York.... It seems my ex wife Liza Minelli has been hospitalized after falling out of bed.
What? You didn't know I had been married to her? Oh, sure! The marriage broke up when she caught me in bed with the Dixie Chicks.... All three of them.... Simultaneously.
Liza could be a fun person when sober, but she could turn meaner than a rabid scorpion when she drank too much. You know her most recent husband, David Gest, complained that she used to beat him? People laughed, but that's no joke.
There was many a time that I would come home after a long day of gassing the Kurds only to discover that Liza had been in the liquor cabinet again. Then we would start arguing about something, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life down the street in my underwear, screaming for the Republican Guard to calm her down!
According to Isaiah Wilson III, the United States invaded me without any kind of formal plan for "stabilizing and occupying" my country. And it's this initial failure that continues to cause problems for the Americans in their efforts to rebuild Iraq. He goes on to characterize the U.S. military's performance here as "mediocre," explaining that they have failed to properly adapt to the current situation.
Now I know what some of you are saying: "Who is this Wilson guy? Is he one of Michael Moore's buddies? Another loudmouth fan of the Dixie Chicks? Who is this liberal know-it-all who dares criticize the leadership of America!?!"
Well, I'm not sure if he knows the esteemed Mr. Moore, or what Wilson's musical tastes may be. Perhaps he likes the Dixie Chicks, or maybe he's more of a Lynard Skynard type of guy. Who knows? Who even cares?
I can tell you that Mr. Wilson is a major in the United States army, and in the spring of 2003 he was part of the Army's Operation Iraqi Freedom Study Group. Then from July of last year to this past April he was chief war planner for the 101st Airborne Division. Next year he will be teaching at West Point.
I'd say that gives the man some credibility, wouldn't you?
American Secretary of Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld was in Iraq today for a surprise visit. This really shouldn't surprise anyone. The way things have been going for him lately, he probably felt safer here than back in Washington!
In fact, the latest Republican Senator to question his competence was Trent Lott. That's significant because Lott is from Mississippi, which has a lot of defense related industry. Lott would therefore be risking retaliation from Rumsfeld unless, of course, he feels that the Secretary's days are numbered.
And I'm guessing Rumsfeld's Humvee just happened to be heavily armored....
In other news, an American company that had been rebuilding bridges has announced it is pulling out because Iraq is too dangerous for its people. The company, Contrack International, didn't have that many employees here, so in and of itself it's not a big deal. However, it will be interesting to see if anyone else decides to bail out now that someone else has become the first to go.
On a Serious Note....
Jeremy Redmon is a reporter with the Richmond Times-Dispatch and is embedded with the 276th Engineer Battalion, based in Richmond, VA. The 276th is one of the units which lost troops in the Mosul attack yesterday. Redmon has prepared a firsthand account of the blast and its immediate aftermath.
If I still had the authority to do such things, I would give that interim Prime Minister guy a couple of medals. What's his name? Right, Ayad Allawi,
First, I'd give him some sort of award for still being alive. Quite frankly, I'm surprised he's made this far! It's a good thing I'm not a betting man, because I would have lost a bundle on that wager!
The second award would be something along the lines of "The Medal for Virtuous Service While Pointing Out The F*cking Obvious." That would be in recognition of his recent observation that the insurgents are trying to incite a civil war.
Well, DUH!!!! This guy is every bit as sharp as a pile of camel crap molded into the shape of bowling ball! No wonder the Bush Administration likes him! He fits right in with the rest of them!
Quite frankly, any sane (which rules out Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld) observer can readily see that the civil war is already here. You've got Iraqis killing Iraqis left and right. Just the other day, over 60 died in a series of carbombings. Plus, you had the three election workers that were dragged out of their car yesterday and killed in the middle of a highway. That's the sort of thing that usually only happens in Florida!
The carbombings took place deep in Shiite territory, and were undoubtedly the work of Sunnis. It's only a matter of time before the Shiites decide enough is enough and strike back.
Kind of makes one long for the good old days when all Iraqis had to worry about about political prisons and torture chambers.
An American General says that the Iraqi insurgency is growing "more effective."
We'll take that as a compliment.
And another defense department official says that the American vehicles should be fully armored by next summer. Next summer!?!?! Well, that's nice. By then they'll only have had more than two frikkin' years to work on it. "This isn't Wal-Mart," he said, in some sort of attempt to justify the long time frame.
Well, that's certainly true. Wal-Mart would have had it finished by LAST summer.
Bush has honored three of the top architects of the unlawful invasion of my peace loving nation with so-called Medals of Freedom.
The first one, General Tommy Franks, I have no problem with. He was the top military commander in charge of the aforementioned unlawful invasion, and he did a brilliant job. Yes, even I was impressed! Of course, things went to crap for the United States right about the time the President declared an end to "major combat operations," but that was more Rumsfeld's fault.
The second name, Paul Bremer, is a somewhat surprising choice. He was the civilian administrator of the occupation until this past June, and what, exactly, did he accomplish? Nothing, really. Sure, he tried to rebuild Iraq, but the insurgents kept blowing everything up again. And a couple of months ago he finally came out and said that the United States should have had more troops on the ground from day one. You would think such candor would have disqualified him.
But the final choice, George Tenet, is the one that really burns the hair on my tuckus. He was the director of the Central Infidel Agency during the planning of the invasion. He's also the one who personally assured President Bush that finding WMD's in my country was a "slam dunk."
Slam dunk, hell. Not only did he miss the basket, he was outside dribbling the basketball across the frikkin' football field!!
That's on top of completely blowing the intelligence on Osama's planned 9/11 attacks! If anything, the man should have been fired for his incompetence. But instead Bush honors this guy with a medal!?!?!
Uh-oh.... It looks like my favorite idiot, Donald Rumsfeld, may be in trouble. An important senator, John McCain, has announced that he has "no confidence" in the infidel Secretary of Defense. Now if it were a Democrat saying that, no one would care. That sort of talk can be expected from the opposition party.
But McCain is a Republican just like President Bush, and a respected leader among his colleagues. If McCain has said this, you can bet that other Republicans will soon be speaking out against Rummy as well. It's only a matter of time until some other important member of the party calls for his resignation.
Of course Bush will continue to insist that Rumsfeld still has his full support. That's how it always works in Washington. The President ALWAYS supports you, even as he drives the dagger into your back and twists the blade.
My prediction is that Rumsfeld will be offering his resignation before January 1.
Gosh, has it really been a year since my capture!?! Time really does fly when you're having fun.
To mark the occasion, my captors bought me a cake with candles. I thought it was quite thoughtful and sweet of them. If that surprises you, it really shouldn't. Most of the guards are relieved to be assigned here, instead of patrolling some Allahforsaken corner of Iraq. And I can't say I blame them! It's crazy out there!
I've heard that some of my underlings are on a hunger strike. Well, that's fine by me. I get more to eat that way. Personally though, I've never understood the point of hunger strikes. In fact, lack of adequate nutrition was standard policy in my prisons when I was running things, and on the rare occasions when the inmates did get food, they were so ecstatic, they'd be crawling over one another's bodies trying to get to the crumbs. In fact, on of my favorite gags was to tie a steak to a string and toss into a cell. Then, just as someone would get close and reach out to grab it, I'd yank it away!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Ah, those were the good old days....
Rumsfeld's comment during that question and answer session yesterday has stirred up quite a controversy. A number of Democrats in congress are saying he should resign. Then again, since they're Democrats, no one's paying attention to them anyway.
But the more interesting development in this story is the news that the soldier's question about armor was actually planted by a reporter!
Quite frankly, this controversy has me concerned. You see, I want to see Rummy remain as Secretary of Defense. Are you surprised? Well, you shouldn't be.
My greatest fear in the world is that he might be replaced by someone competent.
I have never been one for awards or other methods of special recognition. My philosophy has always been you do your job, and you get to live. If you don't do your job, I shoot you. Beyond that, there's really no need for plaques or trophies.
However, even I have to admit that Spc. Thomas Wilson of the United States Army deserves a "Balls of Steel" medal for the question he put forth to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld earlier. He's the soldier who, during a question and answer session with Rummy, asked, "Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles?"
Indeed, an excellent question. I mean, that's the type of thing MY army used to have to do. You would certainly expect the richest country on Earth to be above that sort of desperate behvior.
And Rummy's answer? He said, "You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have."
Well, I would have to disagree with that. If you go to war out of necessity, such as right after the attack on Pearl Harbor, then yes, you go to war with the army you have. It's an admission of desperation, but you do what has to be done with what you have.
The war with Iraq, however, was not one of necessity, but rather a war of choice. As such, the American leaders should have made damn sure they were fully prepared.
They didn't, and now the soldiers in the field are the ones paying the price.
The infidel Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says that he fully expects to see all American troops out of Iraq by 2009.
Hell, I was kinda hoping they could be gone by next week!
Archeologists in Mexico have found a number of headless bodies while digging around an ancient Aztec pyramid.
The Americans will probably try to blame it on ancient Iraqi insurgents.
Here's an interesting article I stumbled across. It talks about the seemingly low body count for the Americans compared to other wars they have fought. For example, 1200 dead in Iraq doesn't seem that bad when compared to the 56,000 lost in Vietnam. One can also look at the average of two dead a day in the current conflict, and compare that to the average of 15 deaths a day in Vietnam, or even the 300 a day during World War II.
But then the author starts looking at the totals in different ways. For example, body armor is now widely used, medical procedures have advanced to a remarkable degree, and the seriously wounded are now routinely medivaced to field hospitals.
The bottom line is that when you compensate for these factors, as well as some others, the current Iraqi War is every bit as intense as Vietnam, and the overall casualty rate is not much lower than during WWII.
Those of you who visited the site over the last 15 hours or so probably noticed it didn't look right. And if you were REALLY alert, and not in some sort of drunken stupor because of chronic depression brought on by the outcome of the American election, you would have further noticed that there was only one entry there.
Well, it wasn't my fault. It was those idiots at Blogspot.com again.
When I tried to post my previous entry, it gave me some sort of weird Blogger error message. So I checked my site itself, and it was showing only the single entry I had just posted. Subsequent attempts to correct the problem were unsuccessful, and by then I had to get out of here because someone was coming down the hall.
When I tried again a few hours ago, I was able to republish the entire site and correct the problem, except that single entry had now disappeared! So then I had to goa back and rewrite the best I could.
Why do people always insist on f*cking with me?
Well, I can't help it. That show is just so darn cute. And it's an excellent storyline, with important lessons about how even supposed misfits have an important role in this world of ours. Plus, it reminds me of Iraq in some ways. For example, that Abominable Snowmonster reminds me of our own Camelman.
And you have to admit that Yukon Cornelius looks an awful lot like me when I emerged from that spider hole.
A British charity known as Medact has come out with a report that says the war in Iraq has caused a "public health disaster" in my country.
Not that President Bush cares. He has long felt that health care should be privatized.
So.... Is Iraq going to have elections at the end of next month or not?
I'm guessing not. While Fallujah may be quiet at the moment, there are too many other hotspots popping up across the country. And no sooner do the Americans go in and save the town by leveling it, another insurgency pops up somewhere else. Quite frankly, anyone who seriously continues to believe that the elections will take place on January 30 is living in the Land of Oz.
Incidentally, I heard that a suicide bomber tried to blow up the wizard's palace in Emerald City. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Besides, the way things stand now, even the different groups involved can't agree on whether the elections should be postponed. The Sunnis want to delay it, while the Kurds and Shiites still want them held. Of course, IF the elections are held, and the Sunnis don't participate, they will refuse to recognize the results, and Iraq will slip further into disarray.
But the funniest part about this whole election thing is that now even the Shiites can't agree on what they want to do!!! A number of Shiite dominated political parties have broken off talks with one of their top spiritual leaders, that Al Sistani guy, because they think he's too much of a religious nutcase! One leader even said that "we don't want to be an extension of Iran inside Iraq."
Well, amen to that!
May I offer a compromise to this whole democracy debate? Skip the stupid elections and return me to power. I'm tanned, rested, and ready to straighten out this mess the Americans have made.
P.S.
Don't take this wrong way, because I really don't give a camel's ass what you think, but I have added a new poll on this very topic. It's on the left side of your stupid infidel computer's screen.
A big deal has been made of that American marine who killed the wounded Iraqi, and here's a blog entry by the journalist who shot the footage.
Personally, I think it's a great story. It serves to inflame Arabs across the entire middle east, and now even the ones who used to think I was a real prick are starting to admit that maybe ol' Saddam wasn't such a bad guy after all.
And you know what the best part of this whole story is? Al Jazeera Keeps playing the tape of this guy's death over and over, yet they won't play the film of that woman relief worker being brutally executed!
Is that fair? Well, no, I suppose not. But then again, we're talking about the middle east. The word "fair" is not in our vocabulary.
Well, at least I don't think it is....
Outgoing infidel Secretary of State Colin Powell says that Iran is trying to build a nuclear bomb.
Gee, really!?!
For it's part, Iran insists that it is using its acquired nuclear technology for peaceful purposes, like generating electricity. Yeah, right. They're sitting on one of the world's biggest deposits of oil and natural gas, and they need nuclear power to run their frikkin's light bulbs?
Even the idiots in the Bush Administration have been able to tell that the Iranians have been lying out their turbans.
And here's the dilemma faced by the United States: There's no other nuclear power in the middle east to offset those crazy Shiites!! Now I could have have done that, if the United States had only decided to let me build my own damn nukes years ago. So I invaded Kuwait! Big deal! If the older Bush hadn't gotten all bent out of shape over that, and let me keep the country, and not slapped all sorts of international sanctions on my ass, I'd ALREADY have my own damn atomic bombs and I could tell the Iranians to knock that sh*t off!
But alas, the US decided to get all self righteous on me, and now there's not a damn thing they can do about Iran. Hell, they can't even invade the country because the Americans are too busy trying to control the assorted insurgencies here in Iraq!! Maybe--just maybe--if they hadn't invaded the wrong dang country, they'd have enough manpower to go into Tehran and kick some Shiite ass.
But as it stands, they don't. And why did the Americans invade me instead? NOT because I actually had nuclear weapons. And NOT because I even had a nuclear weapons program.
No.... They invaded me because I had the desire to have a nuclear weapons program at some distant future date!
Oh please!! Since when is desire an international crime against humanity!?! I mean, what heterosexual male among us has never lusted after some unattainable goal, such as Catherine Zeta-Jones, or had dreams of being the sausage in an Olsen Twins sandwich!?! Of course, we would never admit that to our wives, but that doesn't make us bad men, does it? No, of course not!
So when the "prevention of lust" is the only reason you can come up with as the justification for invading a country, well, that's a sign of desperation.
I can not begin to tell you how sorry I am to see Colin Powell resign as Secretary of State. The only thing that could possibly be any worse is if Bush were to name Condoleeza Rice to replace him.
WHAT!?!?!?!?!
Powell was the one voice of reason on the Bush Foreign policy team. Unfortuantely, Bush all too often chose to ignore him, and instead listen to the two rabid lunatics, Cheney and Rumsfeld. You may recall that it was Powell who warned Bush about the dangers of invading my country when he said, "If you break it, you own it."
Well, Iraq is broken big time now, and I'm guessing that Bush is wishing he had bought the extended warranty.
According to some investigation by the infidels, I made over $21 billion in kickbacks from the United Nations' oil for food program.
Well, so what? Everyone's gotta make a living! I mean, did you see my palaces BEFORE the Americans moved in and trashed the places? You think those gold plated toilet seats grow on trees? Hell no!!! That stuff is expensive, and only available by special order from Home Depot. So yeah, I decided to make a little money on the side.
Besides, why is that MY fault!?!?! Not only were the French and the Russians willing participants in the scheme, they're the ones who thought it up!!
But do you see any of them getting invaded, thrown in jail, and forced to participate in naked human pyramid building!?!?! No!!
I get blamed for everything.
For my 47th birthday my top aids took me to a wonderful place called a Chuck E. Cheese. It was a blast! In addition to having a rare delicacy known as a "pepperoni Pizza," they had many great arcade style games. One of my favorites was called "Whack-A-Kurd." You'd put your dinar in a slot in the front, and then little kurds would pop up out different holes on the machine. As each one would pop up, you'd try to hit him with a big rubber mallet. Of course, each time you nailed one, he'd disappear back into his hole but another would pop up out of another hole! Eventually it grew tedious, however, so I sprayed the whole thing with sarin gas.
Kinda cleared out the restaurant, too.
I bring this up because the current situation in Iraq reminds me of that game. As soon as the Americans go into one city and crackdown on the insurgents, another town falls apart. For example, they have pretty much regained control of Fallujah, but now there are reports out of Mosul that the local police have lost control of the city. Gangs of armed men armed with machine guns and RPG's are strolling about the streets totally unopposed! This news comes on top of similar reports from other Iraqi cities.
I have heard some American critics of the war comparing the current situation to Vietnam. Well, that's silly! First of all, Bush won't understand that comparison because, well, he was never in Vietnam! Secondly, Vietnam had many more trees than Iraq, so the entire landscape is entirely different. You can't compare a sub-tropical rainforest climate with an arid desert environment, you morons!
Though I do appreciate the effort!
A spokesman for the PLO just said that Yasser Arafat's condition has "deteriorated further" in the last few hours.
What the hell does that mean? The man's been in a coma for the last two weeks and knocking on Allah's door the whole time! How can it possibly deteriorate any further!?!
Do me a favor, will you? When my time comes, which it won't for a very long time, possibly another even another 300 years, just tell them to pull the plug. I don't want to linger.
The worst part is when your relatives gather around your deathbed and start arguing about whether you're just a little bit dead, or completely most sincerely dead. And while the ventilator puffs away, the people who were the closest to you suddenly turn on one another and start arguing about who gets custody of your prized WMD collection. It's all so petty and undignified!
If only you could still be around to see their faces when they finally realize that there IS no WMD collection!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Excuse me for not posting for the last couple of days, but I had to break into the General's liquor cabinet. Getting roaring drunk was the only way I could cope with Bush's re-election. But alas, the Jack Daniels is all gone, and I find myself sober once again.
Damn.
Anyway, as you have no doubt heard, the Americans have launched their long anticipated assualt on Fallujah. I'm sure the fact that it will long and bloody with many casualties on both sides had nothing to do with the decision to delay it until after the US elections.
And what will this accomplish? Aside from pissing everyone off and creating even more terrorists? Well, probably not much. The insurgents will only pop up somewhere else in Iraq.
In one early development I find quite interesting, that wacko Shiite cleric, Moqtada al-Sadr, urged the Iraqi soldiers involved in the assault not to fight. Can you imagine that? A Shiite defending Sunnis!?!?! Seeing such an exhibition of unity brings a tear to my eye!
More at PerplexingTimes.com.
