And what is the deal with Dick Cheney? Perhaps those various heart medications of his are causing him to hallucinate. Or maybe he's smoking you-know-what.... For purely medicinal purposes, of course.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Cheney continues to insist I was some how connected to the 9-11 attacks. For Allah's sake, even the FBI and CIA have now discredited those accusations!! Bush himself has said I had nothing to do with it, but his credibility is so shot to hell that it doesn't help my case.....

Still, Cheney's stubborness shouldn't surprise anyone. Word on the street is that he also believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and O.J.'s innocence.

Well, well, well.... If the White House gets itself in any more hot water than it already is, it will feel like a turkish bath in that place.

Remember Joseph Wilson? He's the diplomat who discredited the reports that I had been trying to buy yellow pancake mix from Niger so I could build my own personal collection of nuclear warheads. Apparently someone in the White House got so upset that his report didn't support the Administration's invasion of my unarmed, powerless nation that they decided to leak the fact that Wilson's wife was some sort of hush-hush operative in the Central Infidel Agency. Now only was this petty act of retribution (which I admire because it's the type of thing I would do) a felony, but it potentially endangered her life, as well as the lives of her contacts.

Now this whole fiasco is being investigated by the Justice Department.

I am trying EXTREMELY hard not to bust a gut laughing, since it might give away my position.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Bush signed that controversial "Do Not Call List" bill into law today. In the process he delivered a few choice remarks directed at the telemarketers.

Don't believe for a moment that I don't realize what he's up to: He's trying to steal the very issue I was planning to use to win over the hearts and minds of the American public.

Can't say I blame him, though.... With his presidency in the toilet, and the fickle finger of history on the handle ready to flush, Bush is becoming increasingly desperate.

In fact, don't be surprised if he starts trying to avoid the press by driving around Washington in a '73 Vega.

You know, whatever differences I may have with the Bush administration--and quite frankly, some of those differences are rather significant--I remain a big fan of American popular culture, especially music.

By now all of you know that I just can't get enough of the Dixie Chicks.... And their music is okay, too.

I was a huge fan of the late Warren Zevon. Whenever his song Werewolves of London would come on WSADDAM (92.5 FM, if you're ever in Baghdad) I'd sing along to it. That part where he goes "AARROOOO!!!" was great. Beggars in the streets would scatter everytime I got to that part.

But I am especially fond of the blues, and my all-time favorite singer in that area is Ray Charles.

And while I would never pretend to know more about singing the Blues than Ray Charles, I think--and this is merely a suggestion, you understand--he should consider getting one of those newfangled Braille microphones.

I should point out that while I'm no fan of telemarketers, I also despise spammers. There is NOTHING wrong with my penis, okay? As any of the 27,354 women I've slept with will attest, I am hung like a camel. So stop sending me email telling me I'm somehow inferior. I strongly suspect that spammers send out their insulting garbage in a sad attempt to mask their OWN sexual inadequacies.

Rest assured that when I take over the United States of Saddam, I shall put a stop to the activities of both groups. And there will be no silly appeals to the courts screaming about violations of free speech, simply because there won't be any more first amendment.

I know that some of you are upset by that kind of talk. And you are the people who must make up your minds once and for all: Do you want to put a stop to intrusive telemarketing calls and garbage filled spam, or do you want that silly old Constitution of yours? Because you can't have both, you know. Besides, the stupid thing is like, what, 200 some years old? The damn ink in the original document is so faded by now, no one can read it anyway! So are you going to take the word of some judge--who isn't an elected official to begin with--about what it really says? For all you know, your Founding Fathers had an Article or Clause or paragraph in there calling for the slow, torturous deaths of anyone found guilty of telemarketing and spamming!

Oh, and if you're wondering what I plan to do with those illegible original copies of your Constitution, I plan to auction them off on eBay. We can use the proceeds to pay off the enormous debt you guys ran up invading Iraq.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I understand that the United States is an uproar over telemarketers. Apparently there is some sort of new "Do Not Call" list that 40 million infidels had signed up for, only to have a judge strike it down a few days ago. Then Congress addressed that judge's concerns, only to have a second judge strike it down again on the grounds of free speech. See, there's that Constitution thing again, causing problems.



Few people know this, but Iraq used to have a large telemarketing industry years ago. People routinely received 10, 12, sometimes 15 calls a day selling all kinds of stuff. Mostly it was for lawn care products, because if you live in a frikkin' desert and are stupid enough to have a lawn, it's going to need a LOT of maintenance. And for a while gas masks were a big seller, but I put a stop to that.

But all this didn't really bother me, because I had an unlisted number. The only people who ever called me were my top generals, Chemical Ali, my sons (may Allah rest their souls). my wives, and the Dixie Chicks.



So one day I'm sitting in the bathroom reading the paper and manufacturing weapons of massive smells, and my private hotline rings. Well, I immediately think there's an uprising somewhere, or the UN inspectors are coming, or it's a chance to get laid. Of course I leap off the seat and start running to the phone. Unfortunately my pants are still down around my ankles, and I end up tripping and falling. Smashed a coffee table and knocked over a bust of myself on the way down.



So imagine how I felt when I finally answer the damn phone and find that it was some dang idiot selling vinyl siding!!



Now why would I need vinyl siding?!? All my palaces are (or were) made of marble and polished granite. So why would I want to go slapping strips of plastic crap all over them?



I was absolutely furious. I immediately ordered the Hamurabi Division of my Republican Guard to round up all the frikkin' telemarketers and gas 'em. Then afterwards I personally shot each one. Twice.



And you know what? No one said a word. Not the US, not the UN, and not any of those pesky human rights groups. But if I had as much as yelled at a single Kurd or Shiite, those same people would have been all over me like stink on camel sh*t.

But kill 12,547 telemarketers, and no one cares.



That says something about the popularity of telemarketers, doesn't it?

----------Clay Jones, Fredericksburg Free Lance Star

As you've probably heard by now, my beloved Dixie Chicks were almost involved in a plane crash. And the fact that it happened in Scotland, which is part of the British Empire (Empire?--Now that's funny!!!) only fuels my suspicions about this so-called "accident."

I think Bush is getting frustrated that he still hasn't caught me, so instead he's going after my supporters.

The Democrats in that Congress thing better watch what they say.

So I'm watching Fox News channel the other day....

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Fair and balanced, my camel's ass....

America wants to spend $9 million modernizing Iraq's postal service. I don't know if that's such a great idea....

I'm fairly familiar with the US postal system, and the last thing I want is for ours to operate the way theirs does. I can just see some disgruntled mailman wig out and start shooting Baathists.

President Bush has finished addressing the United Nations. You gotta admit that the man has Texas-sized cajones.... First he tells the UN that he'll go it alone. Then after he gets in over his head, he goes back begging to be rescued, but only on his terms.

It's kind of like a man dying of thirst in the desert. A caravan comes across the poor wretch and offers him a bottle of Evian water.

"No, thanks," he says. "I only drink Perrier."

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Today marks the autumnal equinox, which means that the lengths of daylight and, er, nightlite are equal. This equality is in stark contrast to the uneven balance of power between the United States and Iraq. Still, one has to admire the Americans tenacity in the face of overwhelming odds.

As far as the weather is concerned, one can detect the subtle crisp scent of fall in the chill air. In fact, the high temperature was only 45 (that's 113 Fahrenheit for you lowscoring on the math portion of the SATs Americans).

In light of the ever-changing presidential field, I have updated the poll asking who you would like to see elected President next year. Consequently, I have cleared all the old poll results. The revised poll will remain up for the next week or so, at which point it will go back into rotation with the other questions.

Now I realize that some of you may consider erasing the old results somehow unfair and undemocratic. Some of you may even complain that not all the present candidates are listed. However, my poll only lists those who have a reasonable chance of winning the Democratic nomination. I mean, do you honestly believe Dennis Kucinich or Carole Mosely-Braun have a chance in hell?

While your complaints may well be legitimate, please keep in mind that I really don't give a crap what you think. Not only do your opinions NOT matter to me, but they could easily land you in prison. There you would subjected to endless days of torture, provided you're not busy cleaning my toilets, waxing my '73 Chevy Vega, or trying to take my camel's temperature.

And no, you don't need to ask what kind of thermometer you'll be using on the camel.

Have a nice day.

That speech Bush recently delivered--the one that preempted The Simpsons--about the cost of illegal occupation of my peace-loving nation that would never harm a fly (provided the fly wasn't Kurdish, Shiite, Iranian, or Kuwaiti) was apparently not very well received by the American public. For some reason, a majority of his people are having a hard time coughing up the $87 billion.

So, uh, when are you guys going to leaving?

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

I hear the United States is taking a beating from that Isabel chick. My heart bleeds for you....

Well, okay, not really. I'm actually chortling with delight.

The most amusing part of it all is that while the local governors want to call out the National Guard to aid in disaster relief, they can't: Most of the Guard troops are here in Iraq!

Tell you what, though. If you want to pull them out, go right ahead. I won't object!

No need to thank me.

Turns out that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, may not be as dumb as he looks! In an interview with an Australian radio station, the former UN arms inspector says that he believes that I truly haven't had weapons of mass destruction for the last ten years. The reason that I was so resistant to inspections, though, was that I wanted the rest of the world to THINK I still had them, so that no one would dare attack me.

A brilliant strategy, if I do say so myself, that worked out great.... Right up until March 19.

People in the United States of Satan are apparently very terrified of this girl, Isabel. What's the big deal? As I understand it, a hurricane is nothing more than a sandstorm with water instead of sand. Admittedly an odd concept, but apparently true. Yet people in its path are fleeing!

It truly embarasses me to think that these are the same people who--quite temporarily--have removed me from power.

Why, when I was a wee lad, I used to walk 5 kilometers to school in blinding sandstorms.

Barefoot.

Uphill.

Both ways.

I had a heart attack earlier and almost died. Fortunately, an American soldier passing by resuscitated me. I'm not sure, but I think he was feeling up my silicone breast implants.... Felt kinda good, too.

Anyway, it was this incredible, unbelievable piece of news that sent me into shock, my Vega off the road and into a sand dune, and the old ticker into ventricular fibrillation: Bush has finally come right out and said that I had nothing to do with the 9-11 attacks!!!!!

I had been saying this all along, but no one would listen to me! It's almost like I had some sort of credibility problem....

I have been arguing till I'm purple in the face (this visual clue may or may not be intended to confuse anyone who may or may not be looking for me) that dictatorships are better than democracy. Still, the Americans continue to strut around the globe, arrogantly trying to impose their standards on the rest of the world. Then something like what's going on now in California (or Florida in 2000) comes along, and the other countries of the world end up rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard they're peeing in their pants! Meanwhile, the the Americans stand there with a befuddled look on their faces, wondering what the hell the joke is!

So really, which is the better system of government? Surprisingly, an argument can be made that dictatorships are better.

I hear the Americans around Saddam, DC--I mean, WASHINGTON, DC (I was getting just a bit ahead of myself)--are all in a tizzy about that Hurricane Isabel.

Well, what a bunch of sissies!!!

Living in the middle of a desert as I do, I am not terribly familiar with those "hurricane" things. But I do know that "Isabel" is a girl's name, so how bad can anything named after a girl be?