Have you seen that music video of John Kerry and George Bush singing "This Land Is Your Land?" Well, if you haven't, you must be living under a rock. Not that there's anything wrong that. I lived under Iraq for a while, and it wasn't too bad. A little cramped, perhaps, whenever the Dixie Chicks came over, but that's what made their visits all the more interesting.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

A number of you have expressed concern about the condition of my prostate. First of all, let me say that I am touched that you worry about me so. Secondly, let me say that if you go anywhere near my prostate, I will personally rip your heart out of your thoracic cavity and feed it to these rats that keep scampering around my cell.

A man's prostate is a highly personal--and EXTREMELY private--organ. It basically goes to the heart of our masculinity, so don't expect us to be dropping trou and bending over for every Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along.

I remember years ago when I first went in for a physical. I had never had one, so of course I had no idea what to expect. So the doctor eventually got to the point where he asked my to bend over. Well, as I said, I had no idea what was going on, so did as requested. The next thing I know, he's probing the planet next to Saturn, except it wasn't Uranus, it was MINE!!! Needless to say, I shot the doctor right there in the examining room.

So the next day I went back to finish the physical with a different doctor, and sure enough, the same thing happened. Well, this went on for several more cycles, until by the end of the week when I was almost out of bullets--and doctors.

Fortunately that was when I encountered Dr. Habib, who went to great lengths to explain everything he was doing, and precisely what was involved along the way. I was greatly appreciative of his compassion and candor, and felt totally comfortable as he completed his exam.

Then I shot the sorry son of a bitch.

In an amazing discovery, scientists have found a new species of worm living 9000 feet below the surface of the ocean. They live off the bones of dead whales, and range in size from an inch to just over two inches. Think about that for a moment: They were able to find something only slightly bigger than Bill O'Reilly's penis almost two kilometers underwater!!

And yet no one can find a single WMD in Iraq!!!

By now I'm sure all of you have have had a chance to look through the 9/11 Commission's report and convince yourselves of my innocence, regardless of what the fools on Fox News may say.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

The report concluded that while there was NO operational relationship between Iraq and Al Qaeda, there were plenty of links between Iran and the terror group.

Attention President Bush: Note the difference in spelling between Iraq and Iran. Please make a note to yourself to doublecheck for spelling errors the next time you're thinking about invading someone.
---Love, Saddam

Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat with you people, but I need to go get some sleep. My cellblock is going for the world record in "Naked Human Pyramid Building" later this morning.

Longtime readers will remember that I have addressed the issue of how George Lucas continues to destroy the Star Wars franchise with those ill conceived sequels of his. Unfortunately, I am currently in no position to do anything about it, except to say that if he screws up the next one, his testicles will be mine.

Um, I mean that in a totally non-sexual way, of course. I don't play both sides of the sand dune, if you catch my drift.

Anyway, it has just been announced that the title of the sixth movie, which is actually only the third movie in the six movie trilogy, will be Revenge of the Sith.

As I recall, the original title for "Return of the Jedi" was "Revenge of the Jedi." However, fans objected, pointing out that the Jedi are a bunch of pansies who would never fall for such a base emotion as revenge. Consequently, the title was changed.

So I find it interesting that Lucas would come up with something like "Revenge of the Sith." On the other hand, I suppose it can be argued that the Sith, since they have already joined the Dark Side, are susceptible to such petty temptations as vengeance. Plus, the Dark Side is believed to posses powerful weapons of mass destruction, and it's up to the Jedi to prevent their use.

Yeah, right. And those stupid Jedi probably also believe they'll be greeted as liberators.

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Previous Star Wars related entries: August 21, 2003 (Entry 1); August 21 (Entry 2); August 27; September 4.

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---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Now don't go getting the wrong idea about me, because I still don't give a camel's ass what you people think, okay? That's why I'm a dictator. We dictate. When we dictators say "jump," you worthless subjects say "How high?" Understand? Dictators dictate, hence the term "dictator."

I bring up the obvious only because I have added a new poll. It's on left side of your monitor, and it is strictly there for your own personal amusement while you surf the net looking for new and interesting porn sites. The results of this poll will in no way influence the policies and/or decisions of any future Saddam Hussein run government.

Now pull your pants back up and take the poll.

A supplier of chickens to KFC, which is a chain of restaurants serving fried chicken in America, has been accused of killing the birds by stomping on them, throwing them against walls, and kicking them. The story was exposed through a hidden camera snuck into the plant by PETA.

If true, this is horrible news and those responsible should be severely punished. While I am no vegetarian, mainly because vegetables don't grow very well in the middle of a frikkin' desert, I nonetheless feel that the animals we use for food should be killed in a swift, humane manner. Needlessly prolonging the killing process, and senselessly beating them to death in a long drawn out process for one's own personal amusement is not only morally reprehensible, but beyond any possible excuse. It is certainly no way to treat precious livestock.

I mean, it's not like they're Shiites.

Hey, wait a minute!! Aren't they asking the wrong guy that question!?!

---------------Chan Lowe, South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Now I'm no detective, though I did once play one on Iraqi TV. There was initially some debate about that, but after I executed the first three program directors, the matter was pretty well settled in my favor.

Anyway, I'm predicting that the husband did it.

Did you hear what happened to Linda Ronstadt in Vegas? During her concert at the Aladdin Hotel she called Michael Moore a great American patriot, and urged audience members to go see Fahrenheit 9/11. However, the crowd didn't seem to take too kindly to her suggestion. They not only booed her remarks, but they began ripping posters off the walls, throwing cocktails into the air, and performing human sacrifices.

There is nothing scarier than rioting Republicans.

Well, except maybe a heavily armed horde of 120,000 infidels pouring across your borders, but that's besides the point.

---------------Wiley, Non Sequitur

Have you heard the latest? Iran aided the 9/11 hijackers!! Oh, there's no evidence just yet that the Iranians were directly involved in the planning and execution of the attacks, BUT they did give free passage to the participants as they traveled in and out of Afghanistan.

So I ask you once again, my dear readers, why it's MY country that's being occupied, why it's MY people that are having freedom and democracy shoved down their throats, and why I'M the one who's sitting in a stinkin' jail cell!?!?!

Wait.... I know what happened! Bush can't spell!!!! That's it!!!! Someone gave him a memo or something saying Iran was involved, and he thought it said Iraq!!! So he sent his army after poor little ol' me while those Shiite Ayotollahs across the border were laughing their asses off!!!

That's why I never really had a serious problem with Clinton. The man was a Rhodes Scholar, and he knew how to operate a dictionary. But then Bush come in, whose idea of a major literary work is "My Pet Goat," and suddenly I'm getting blamed for everything that goes wrong in this crazy mixed up world of ours.

Anyway, I have it on good authority that Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are already conferring with one another about invading Iran.

Cheney's the bald one in the middle.

Archeologists in Crete have uncovered 50 ancient tombs, possibly as old as 1400 years. This is in addition to a hundred other graves found earlier.

How much do you want to bet Bush is going to try to pin those on me as well?

I just hope Jack and Rose are okay.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

You know how Bush is always saying that the invasion of my peace loving nation, which would never have harmed a fly (Well, okay, except Kuwait.... And the Iranians, but that's it.... Oh, right, and there were those Scuds we launched against Israel in '91, but that's REALLY it....Saudi Arabia? Oh, yeah, I guess we did fire a few Scuds at them too. But that's absolutely, positively it.... No, no, it's not fair to bring up the Kurds and Shiites.... Sure, I gassed them, but that was an internal domestic matter.... Besides, Kurds and Shiites are below flies on the evolutionary ladder, so they don't really count).... Um, now what the hell was I saying...?

Oh, right. Bush has repeatedly said that invading Iraq has made the world a safer place and created a more stable Middle East.

Well, obviously the man has a fertile imagination. Almost as fertile as the Fertile Crescent, which used to lie between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers until I built damns upstream and turned the whole area into a frikkin' desert. But again, that was an internal domestic matter intended to kill off the Marsh Arabs.

But it turns out all those foreign fighters that poured across my unsecured borders--unsecured because a certain American President who shall remain nameless didn't invade with enough troops--are now returning home to Saudi Arabia as hardened war veterans. And guess what? They're forming an underground army to launch attacks against the Saudi government! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

As Mr. Bush has learned, irony can be a painful puppy when it sneaks up and bites you in the ass.

So Martha Stewart got five months in prison for stock fraud.

They better not try sticking her in here. I absolutely refuse to use doilies.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

I always look sharp! Just because one has been invaded, stripped of his power, and unjustly arrested by an unlawful occupying infidel force is no reason to let his appearance go to hell.

Both the Democrats and Republicans are allowing a limited number of bloggers to cover their conventions this summer. In deciding which bloggers will be invited to join the select few, officials from both parties will look at the size of the blog's audience and the "professionalism" of the site.

That certainly sounds fair enough.

So where's my invitation?

Have you been following this Ken Jennings fellow on Jeopardy!? He's the guy who's on the verge of becoming the show's first million dollar winner.

This has given me an idea: As you probably realize, my legal defense is going to cost a fortune.... Assuming, of course, the judge doesn't chicken out and dismiss the case. Wouldn't it be a hoot if he did, though? And Bush wouldn't be able to do anything about it since Iraq is now a sovereign country!

He'd probably end up choking on a pretzel if that happened. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

But I digress.... My point is that I should go on Jeopardy! and win money to fund my defense! How hard can it be? After all, that infidel fool Alex Trebeck gives you the damn answers at the beginning of each question. What the hell kind of stupid show is that!?!?

And even if I were to somehow fall behind, big deal! I'll just shoot the other contestants!