Last week (Sept. 27, to be exact) I posted an entry about some topless antiwar protesters, and how some people just don't look good doing that sort of thing. Surprisingly, a number of you were offended by that. So the bottom line is that it's okay for me to joke about slaughtering Kurds and Shiites by the thousands, but heaven forbid I should make a derogatory comment about fat women with breasts sagging down almost to their knees.

I'll have to remember that.

Anyway, I bring that up again only because I'm NOT the only one who feels that way....

Nothing gives me more satisfaction than watching all this infighting between the various factions of the current illegal, illegitimate, and highly irregular Iraqi government. That's why this latest piece of good news made me erect a tent pole in my shorts: The country's Kurdish President has called on the Shiite Prime Minister to step down! And the best part is that this major split is taking place a mere two weeks before the country votes on its new constitution.

Life just doesn't get any better than this.

Apparently the two are pissed at one another over some issue important to the Kurds or something. I don't know the details, and I don't care. After all, they're Kurds and Shiites, for crying out loud! The only time I pay attention to those people is when I engage in target practice.

Did you know that the United States controls the internet? Oh, it's true. In fact, the www was started as a project by the Pentagon to tie its computers together. But then the porn industry got a hold of the idea, and the rest is history.

Remember that old Matthew Broderick movie, Wargames? He hacks into some top secret computer and almost starts a nuclear war. Now the plot suddenly all makes sense!! What still does NOT make sense, and never will, is how that little twerp ended up marrying someone as hot as Sarah Jessica Parker....

Anyway, there have been some proposals that control of the computers that control the internet should be turned over to an international body of some sort, such as the European Union or the UN.

Actually, I'm available, too. I'm looking for work. Plus, I'm essentially a man without a country at the moment, so that makes me pretty damn "international." And I can absolutely guarantee you one thing: Give me control over the internet and I will put a stop to all the damn spammers, the phishing schemes, and those stupid Nigerian emails with the bad grammar once and for all.

It's time to face the awful truth: At the moment the United States is running the internet about as effectively as it's running the war in Iraq.

I have made no secret of the fact that I disdain democracy and couldn't care less about public opinion. However, this is one of those rare opportunities where I must make an exception to my own rules. As a world famous despot, I am entitled to do that.

An infidel college professor named Bainbridge is running a poll asking people what's wrong with President Bush. Most people so far are saying he's started drinking again.

If true, that would certainly explain a lot.

Lately there has been much concern that the proposed Iraqi constitution will be used to oppress to women. It is too early to say whether that will be the case, but there are some hopeful signs that women will be held in equal regard to men in the future.

For example, yesterday Iraq had its first female suicide bomber! Now is that a giant leap forward for equal rights, or what?

The incident happened in Tall Afar. If the city's name sounds familiar, that's because there was just a major crackdown on insurgents in the area. The fact that she was able to get through checkpoints and infiltrate a line of police recruits before blowing herself to teeny tiny bits also raises serious questions about what is going on here in Iraq.

For example, what does a female martyr get when she arrives in paradise? Is she still rewarded with the 72 virgins? And if so, are they lesbian virgins? And what exactly is a lesbian virgin anyway? Does that mean she's a lesbian who hasn't been with another woman yet, but it's okay if she's slept with men? And does the martyr take turns with the 72 virgins individually, or do they all, er, "do what lesbians do" all at once, all over the floor?

I find myself wrestling with these profound questions of religious dogma, but my knowledge in these matters is limited to what I've seen on the Playboy Channel. Too bad I don't have any significant meaningful ties to Osama, or I'd ask him.

I appreciate all the anti-war demonstrations in Washington this past weekend. I really and honestly truly do. I can't possibly emphasize enough how grateful I am.

That's what makes it all the more awkward to say what I'm about to say.... And while original forms of protest are certainly to be encouraged, and while no one appreciates a topless woman more than I.... Well, there are sometimes lines that just shouldn't be crossed. And quite frankly, this photo is a perfect illustration of what I mean.

Let me first say that I have no problem with the chick holding the bullhorn. From what I can tell, she's a babe. And the one in the pink pants holding the near end of the banner looks okay, too.

But as for the other two.... Well.... How shall I put this delicately? PUT YOUR TOPS ON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!! You're hideous!!!!! If i woke up one morning next to you, I'd have to gas myself!!!!!

Some things just shouldn't be seen without the benefit of a darkened bedroom.

One of my favorite American political analysts is the brilliant Bill Maher. He recently had the following to say on his HBO show:

America must recall the president.

That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky! I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

Impressive words, indeed.... And I fully expect Mr. Maher will be sharing my cell by the end of the week.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" He begins to openly weep.

His staff sits stunned at this sudden, unexpected display of emotion. They nervously watch as the President buries his face in his hands. His entire body is wracked by the sobbing.

Finally,Bush looks up. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he asks, "How many zeros is a brazillion?"

What? I've been frozen in carbonite!?!?! How come I'm always the last to know about these things?

Well, so much for America's so-called "freedom of speech." Cindy Sheehan, the mother of an American soldier killed in Iraq, and who has become a vocal critic of the war, was roughed up in New York City when police broke up an antiwar protest in that city. That was a couple of days ago.

Then yesterday her caravan was on its way to the United States Capitol when it was stopped by police in DC, supposedly to be inspected.

I truly admire Sheehan's courage and moral convictions. Of course, if she had tried that crap here back when I was in power, she would have been imprisoned and tortured, but that's besides the point.

President Bush has received a lot of criticism for taking so many vacations. In fact, he was at his ranch in Texas when that big sandstorm named Katrina hit his country. Have you ever wondered what the American President does during all those vacations? So have I, and I recently obtained a copy of an essay by Bush titled What I Did on My Summer Vacation.

I'm guessing he wrote it as a homework assignment for his remedial reading class.

Every now and then the infidels do something so incredibly stupid that I end up laughing until I pee my pants. They just did it again.... And I just did it again as well.

This latest boneheaded move by the occupiers happened down in Basra, which had been relatively calm.... Until now.

It all started a few days ago when Iraqi police arrested two British commandos. The Brits claim they were undercover agents, but the police claim the soldiers shot two officers. And despite British demands, the Iraqis were refusing to release the prisoners.

So what did the British do? They attacked the police station with freakin' tanks and helicopters!!! The assault destroyed a prison wall, and they were able to free their two soldiers.

And here's the best part: 150 other Iraqi prisoners escaped through the breech as well!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

This, of course, raises serious questions about the legitimacy of Iraq's so-called sovereignty. Just how sovereign is a country if the occupying forces won't let them exercise their judicial protocols? This incident is bound to have serious ramifications throughout the entire country, and will likely serve as a great recruiting tool for the insurgency.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my shorts.

Once again the world is witnessing another example of why democracy doesn't work, this time in Germany. Apparently no one won the election!!

Both current Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's Social Democrats and challenger Angela Merkel's conservatives are claiming victory. Each of their parties won 222 seats in their Parliament, which makes it a little tough to figure out who's in charge.

Further complicating the matter is that neither candidate has a brother who is governor of Florida.

So once again we get to see why despotism is a superior form of government: No elections to muddle the question of who's in charge. The only time you have to worry about a change in leadership is if there happens to be a coup. But if you're a smart despot, and carry out periodic purges and mass executions of your opponents, you don't have to worry about that!

A series of bombings and shootings throughout Baghdad have left 200 people dead over the past two days. The terror group Al Qaeda in Iraq (which, incidentally, did NOT exist when I was in power) is claiming the attacks are in retribution for the American crackdown on insurgents in the western part of the country. The terrorists are mostly killing poor, defenseless civilians who merely going about their daily business of trying to find work, or attending mosque, or going to the market, or simply trying to buy the latest copy of The Iraqi Enquirer to see if Brad and Jen are back together.

But according to the Bush Administration, the Iraqi people are better off than they were under me, so I guess the killings are a normal part of becoming a free and open society rooted in the principles of democracy.

I have followed with great interest the developments in the United States with this Katrina thing. First of all, I find it odd the Americans find it necessary to name their hurricanes. What's that about? You never hear about Iraqis naming our sandstorms. Must be some sort of infidel thing.

But specifically, I was most fascinated with this Michael Brown fellow. He was so damn familiar to me, it was driving me nuts! I kept trying to figure out where I knew him from, and then it finally dawned me!! But let me first back up a bit....

Brown was the head of FEMA, which is some sort of collection of bureaucrats whose job it is to get together whenever a major disaster hits the country and sit around with their thumbs up their asses. I can only pray that they used their own thumbs up their own asses. Otherwise.... Well, let's not even think about that.

Brown spoke several times about how everything was completely under control even as CNN showed dead bodies floating by. Then he would say something like "no one predicted the levees would break," even as the newshows were citing various studies over the years that predicted that very thing. Then in several interviews he said he only just then learned of worsening conditions inside the Superdome even though the media had been talking about it for days.

Then it finally dawned on me why I thought I knew him from somewhere: It was like I was watching my Minister of Information, Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf!!!! Remember when Mo denied there were American troops in Baghdad even as they were practically carrying him away from the podium? HAHAHAHA!!!! He was the absolute best at denying the painfully obvious.... Just like Brown.