The Americans certainly have an odd way of settling ties in elections. For example, two candidates in White Pine County, Nevada were running for County Commissioner, and each received 1847 votes. So to decide the winner, they cut a deck of cards. The loser ended up with a seven of diamonds while the winner drew a queen of clubs. Then civil war erupted.

No, no. Just kidding about the civil war part.

As you know, Iraq was a thriving democracy until the Americans invaded. Granted, I personally never had any opposition, but that was purely by coincidence.... And the occasional public execution.

However, down at the local levels, electoral draws would occasionally occur. But under the terms of the previous Iraqi constitution, we settled such ties in a much more civilized manner: The candidate with the bigger militia won.

A message from Yours Truly to the infidel Americans:

What the hell is wrong with you people!?! Granted, I did foolishly urge you to go out and vote, but I meant for John Kerry, you morons, NOT frikkin' George Bush!!!!!

I mean, I figured you people had enough sense to know what I meant without me having to provide you with detailed instructions!!! But n-o-o-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O!!!!! You just had to go and reelect him, didn't you!?!? You realize what this means, don't you? Now I'm NEVER going to get out of here!!!!

Why did you do it? Is it because 40% of you still stupidly believe that I was somehow involved in 9/11? Have you forgotten that the Commission which investigated those attacks said there was no connection between me and Al Qaeda? And have you forgotten what Richard Clarke said? That he had tried to warn Bush and Cheney about Osama in the first few months of the Administration, but they just ignored him.

So what happens? I'm the one who ends up in jail while the guy who killed 3000 American civilians on American soil is STILL on the loose. What's more, he's even making frikkin' videotapes taunting you people!!! And you know why? Because the American military is busy trying to bring my country under control instead of out looking for him!

And so you go and reelect Bush.... We'll see if you people still feel the same way when he turns the United States into a Christian theocracy and starts flogging women who try to get abortions.

Just don't come crying to me when you realize your mistake.

If you are an infidel American, do not forget to vote today!

I've been sitting here working on some math problems. What? Are you surprised I would dabble in such an intellectual exercise!?! Well, you shouldn't be. I was a math major back in college. Admittedly, my grades weren't very good at first, but that all changed after I gassed the Dean and his family.

Anyway, what prompted my resurgence of interest in numbers was this recent report that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died since the beginning of the war. Yes, I know that sounds bad, but it gets even worse when you start analyzing it.

For example: Everyone knows that I have been accused of killing "hundreds of thousands" of my own citizens. And although I never really kept track, that sounds about right. But for sake of argument, lets put the exact total at 900,000. Yeah, yeah, I hear some of you cringing in revulsion. But in my defense, I'd like to point out that the vast majority of those were Kurds and Shiites.

I took over Iraq in 1979 and ruled for 24 years until my, um, "extended vacation" which began last year. So you take that 900,000 figure and divide by 24, and you get an average of 37,500 deaths per year.

The Americans, on the other hand, took over about 18 months ago. So take that 100,000 figure, divide it by 1.5, and you end up with an average of 66,667 deaths per year.

Interesting, eh? And there's more: This recent study also says that the average Iraqi civilian is 58 times more likely to die a violent death NOW than he or she was before the war!

Well, well.... It would appear that no matter how you slice it, Bush is a much more efficient killer of Iraqi civilians than I ever was!

Kind of makes me jealous....

Sometimes it gets pretty lonely in this little cell of mine, and I thank Allah I have an IPod to help me get through the long days. Here are some recent additions to my music library:

A Bush Kerry one sung to the tune "Do the Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

A Pulp Fiction style explanation for the invasion of my peace loving, UN sanction respecting, and totally harmless nation. This version includes the video.

And another Bush parody sung to the tune of "Coming 'Round the Mountain."

Finally, if you're a fan of "Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody," absolutely do NOT listen to this one.

I don't mean to constantly harp on how President Bush has bungled his invasion and occupation of my country, but it can't be helped because, well, he bungled it. And not just a little bit, either. I mean, he really, really, really, really, REALLY royally bungled it! Remember when I invaded Kuwait 14 years ago? Even I had enough frikkin' sense to go in there with enough troops to secure the damn place!!!

But George "I Know What I'm Doing So Get Out My Way" Bush didn't want to listen to anyone else. Not even a secret intelligence report warning of a massive insurgency. And why did he ignore it? Simply because it differed with his preconceived notions of how the invasion and occupation would go.

---------------Oliphant

This failure to use enough manpower has led to many of the United States' current problems, including--get this--the loss of 380 frikkin' tons of high explosives!!

How the hell do lose that much of anything!?!?! I mean, it's not like you can slip the stuff under your jacket and sneak it out the door! Nor is it likely to be easy to hide in the trunk of your car! Try to wrap your puny infidel minds around that number, if you can: 380 tons!!! That weighs damn near as much as Rosie O'Donnell!

But worst of all, that was my 380 tons of high explosives!!! Someone had better hurry up and find the sh*t, or you can rest assured I'll be sending the Bush family a bill for every last ounce of it.

President Bush continues to tell Americans he is the candidate best able to protect them.

Personally, I'm inclined to believe him. After all, it's been scientifically proven that even the dumbest rats in a maze learn through their mistakes. Now don't misunderstand me: I'm not trying to insult Mr. Bush by calling him a rodent. I merely used that particular comparison because of the similar IQ's involved. And in the case of the President, he certainly learned something when he chose to completely ignore Richard Clarke's warnings about Al Qaeda in early 2001.

You know what else Bush reminds me of? Abusive husbands. Seriously, think about it: Such men are always telling their wives that no one else will love them, that no one else can take care of them, so "you can't leave me." And that's exactly what his campaign has been saying lately.

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

One of the more controversial topics to come up during the infidel Americans' current futile exercise in democracy is the possibility of a military draft being reinstituted. Bush's opponent, who surprisingly has not yet been jailed (after all, that's what I used to with MY opponents) has said that the President already has plans to do that. Bush, of course, who is fighting to keep from joining the ranks of the unemployed, denies the accusation. And we ALL know what his credibility is like, don't we?

So who's telling the truth? Who knows? But here's a clue: The US army is strongly considering adding women to its combat units to offset a serious shortage of personnel. Well, guess what? If they're so desperate for people that they're thinking about doing that, it means that more soldiers are needed. And if fewer people are enlisting voluntarily, then that means that the draft can't be far behind.

Sure, Bush has promised that there won't be a draft. But all he has to do is declare that circumstances have changed because of the ongoing "War on Terror," which includes attacking countries that don't have any frikkin' terrorists in it, and the Republican congress will immediately roll over and vote to restart the draft.

So if you're an American between the ages of 18 and 25, and you want to be President in about 30 years or so, ask your rich and influential daddy to get you into the Texas Air National Guard now!

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox! They have proven that even when faced with a far superior force, the underdog can still win. And for some reason, I take great comfort in that.

Now onto other matters: Every Halloween the stupid infidels begin playing an old song known as "The Monster Mash." This thing has been around for some 40 years now. Even the guards here in the cellblock constantly play it as they drag us across the floor at the ends of dog leashes.... And it pisses them off to no end when I take a dump in the middle of the hallway because then they have use a pooper scooper. And needless to say, in my case, they require the jumbo extra large industrial capacity one.

I mention this only because I have stumbled across a great--and timely--new remake of the song.

Enjoy!

I am faced with a most vexing dilemma tonight....

At 3:20 A.M. the Boston Red Sox go up against the New York Yankees in game seven of the Infidel League Championship Series. Now I'm not generally a baseball fan, but I do despise the Yankees because of the way they constantly vanquish much weaker foes. So nothing would give me greater joy than to see them vanquished by the BoSox.

A few days ago it seemed like Boston was finished, but they became the first team in MLB history to win three straight playoff games after being down 0-3 in a series. If they can win tonight, it will give me hope that I can yet win this current conflict I'm currently engaged in with the United States.

But here's the problem: My favorite TV show, "Lost," comes on at 3:00! Now if I still had my TiVo, this wouldn't be a problem. I'd record "Lost," then go back and watch it after the game.... Assuming, of course, I haven't smashed my TV into tiny little pieces because the Yankees won. But unfortunately the Americans confiscated the TiVo back when I was captured, and I haven't seen it since. I requested a new one from the Red Cross the last time they checked up on me, but I fear the aid worker was kidnapped before he could get back to the Green Zone with the paperwork.

Damned insurgency....

Anyway, if you're not familiar with "Lost," it's about a group of plane crash survivors stranded on a deserted island. I find myself fascinated by the way they are gradually filling in the backstories of the various passengers through flashbacks.

Did you see the one a couple of weeks ago where the kid got his dog back? I don't mind telling you that I bawled like a baby! But don't tell anyone or I'll have torture you. Got that?

The character I'm most interested in is a guy named Sayid. He claims to be a former member of my Republican Guard, but damned if I remember seeing him around. Then again, most of us look alike, so who knows?

My least favorite character is the Korean guy. He constantly seems to be bossing his 'wife' around, and just appears to be a general all-around prick. I'm hoping he gets eaten soon.

And getting eaten is a very real concern on this island. There's some sort of mysterious creature in the woods. No one has yet seen it, but the survivors can hear its growls, and see entire trees swaying as it stalks them. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that it will turn out to be some sort of distant evolutionary cousin of Iraq's own legendary Camelman.

An American General last December wrote a letter to the Pentagon complaining about serious problems. He said the army was having trouble getting spare parts for tanks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and Blackhawk helicopters. One reason all those extra parts were needed was because they were being damaged during combat.

Oh, well, excu-u-u-U-U-u-use me!!! This is a war, after all. Heaven forbid anything should be damaged!

I'll try to be more careful when President Jenna Bush invades me in another 20 or 30 years.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirere

There have been rumors over the last several days that my former Foreign Minister, Tariq Aziz, had gone to the big dune in the sky. I have it on good authority, however, that such is NOT the case. Tariq is still very much alive.

The rumor apparently started when Dan Rather and CBS News announced they had documents proving Tariq's death.

One of the most fascinating things about following President Bush's campaigning is wondering what the hell he's going to say next. Yesterday, for example, he was addressing a crowd in Florida when he sought to dispel rumors of a possible military draft by saying "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain: We will not have an all-volunteer army."

Of course, he quickly realized his mistake and said that what he meant to say was that there will be no draft.

Now I realize that English is a difficult language. Many non-native speakers have difficulties mastering it. Even I, as smart as I am, hardly speak a word of it. Remember the Dan Rather interview? I needed a translator.

But George W. Bush was born in America. He has lived there his entire frikkin' life. The man is now well into his fifties. Bush even went to one of the top schools in the United States, Yale University.

Isn't it reasonable to assume he would have picked up the damn language at some point along the way?

---------------Tom Toles, The Washington Post

The American military prides itself on being a highly disciplined fighting force, and I've certainly seen evidence of that, um, "firsthand." So when a platoon in the United States army refuses orders in Iraq, it should be taken as a warning sign of serious problems despite Bush's claims of "everything in Iraq is just great! It's a regular desert paradise! The troops love it! The road to a democratic and free Iraq has a few teeny-tiny potholes, but aside from that, everythings on schedule! They're going to have elections in January! Ignore the suicide bombers in the supposedly secure Green Zone!"

Members of the 343rd Quartermaster Company have refused orders to deliver supplies along a highly dangerous route. They claim that their equipment is unsafe and prone to frequent breakdowns, and that the fuel they were to deliver was contaminated.

There is some question now as to whether the soldiers involved are merely being questioned or are actually being held under armed guard.

---------------Jim Margulies, The Record, (New Jersey)

There are four things In this world I despise more than anything else. They are, in order:

1) Shiites.
2) Kurds.
3) The Fox News Channel.
4) Building naked human pyramids.

And today I got some good news concerning one of the above: Bill O'Reilly, head loudmouth on Fox News, is being sued for $60 million. It seems that one of his production assistants is claiming that O'Reilly sexually harassed her!!

Among the various charges being leveled at Mr. Big Mouth is that he repeatedly tried talking to Andrea Mackris about vibrators, phone sex, and his own sexual antics.

All right, Bill!!!! It's always good to see a Republican get in touch with his inner pervert.

But the best part of this sordid little tale is that O'Reilly asked Andrea to get a good looking girl friend to join them for some three way action!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little menage a trois. All O'Reilly has to do is to keep the blonde on one side of the bed, the brunette on the other, and that way it will be "fair & balanced!!"

Now I wasn't going to say anything about this because I didn't want to alarm any of you. I know how much each and every one of you worries about my health. But now that the uncontrolled media has gotten a hold of the story, I guess I'll go ahead and tell you that I had hernia surgery a couple of weeks ago.

But don't fret!! Everything turned out okay despite the fact that Cheney was in the operating room and kept spitting on the scalpel. And I wasn't too thrilled about having Rumsfeld as my anesthesiologist.

Most importantly, my hair is growing back just fine. It does, however, itch like crazy. I just hope none of the other inmates mistake my constant scratching as some sort of invitation.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Now here's a funny story. You know how Bush always whining about stopping "nuculer" proliferation? Well, now it turns out that a whole crapload of my old "nuculer" material is missing, and it's the Americans' fault!!!!

Entire buildings and the precision equipment they housed have gone missing. This is stuff that United Nations weapons inspectors had tagged before I expelled them six years ago. When the inspectors returned in late 2002, they continued to monitor the material until Bush forced them to leave Iraq in March of last year. Then, once the "major combat" was (allegedly) over, they weren't allowed back in by the invaders.

I know exactly what he means.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

Renown infidel legal scholar Tung Yin writes in response to my post about the Afghan elections: "Wait, I'm confused. I thought Iraq *was* a democracy under your reign. Here in the Infidel States, we read about how you won elections with 101% of the vote."

And that is entirely accurate, Mr. Yin. I think where you are becoming confused is in the subtle differences between "American Style Democracy" and "Iraqi Style Democracy." You see, under American Style rules you start off with several candidates, and then through a series of small scale votes (primaries or conventions) you whittle the field down to two principle contenders, plus the occasional third party gadfly who can't take a f*cking hint.

The citizenry as a whole then votes in a national election, and the person with the most votes wins.... Unless, of course, the Supreme Court becomes involved because senior citizens who are too old to even remember where they parked the damn car screwed up their ballots.

Under Iraqi Style rules, on the other hand, you start off with several candidates in addition to myself. Then I shoot my opposition, torture their families, and date their daughters.

Then, and only then, do we actually hold the election.

Here's a question to ponder: Is President Bush a dummy?

No, no, I don't mean in terms of his I.Q. Besides, I think we all know the answer to that one already.

No, I mean is he literally a dummy, like a ventriloquist's dummy? You know the ones I mean: Those wooden things, where someone shoves his hand up the dummy's butt and makes his mouth move, but really it's the puppeteer doing all the talking.... Kind of like what I used to do with my Minister of Information.

Some alert observers noticed that during his first debate with John Kerry, Bush had an odd, square shaped bulge in the back of his jacket. There is some speculation that perhaps it was a transmitter of some sort, and that either Cheney or Rove were feeding him answers.

Now I know some of you are thinking that's a rather rude question to raise about the leader of the free world. Perhaps so, but is it any ruder than invading a sovereign nation under false pretenses?

Besides, even the Washington Post has addressed this issue! Of course, they didn't exactly use the word "dummy" in describing the President, but that's only because they didn't want to generate a flood of letters to the editor from wacko Republicans.

I have been rejoicing at the wonderful news out of Afghanistan today. In case you missed it, their attempt at democratic elections has gone down the toilet!!

Yesterday's voting was supposed to be the triumphant conclusion of three years of work by the United States. But instead, it's only resulted in more controversy among the different warlords. Apparently the problem is that the permanent ink used to mark those who voted turned out to be easy to wash off. Thus, it is impossible to say whether some voters may have cast more than one ballot.

As a result, the 15 candidates running against Interim American Puppet Hamid Karzai have gotten together and agreed NOT to honor the election results.

This is a perfect example of why dictatorships are so much simpler than democracies: You don't waste time campaigning, voting, and arguing over who won. And if anyone ever does have the audacity to question your right to lead, well, you just shoot 'em!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

A sympathetic infidel reader has emailed me a link to another great music video featuring Bush and Kerry. This one is to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger," which I believe was the theme to Rocky MXCVIII.

Incidentally, you can find links to more Bush related music videos on the left hand side of the page under the "Musical Interludes" header.

Bush should have known better than to try and breast feed that kid.

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Inteligencer

In yet another embarassing setback for the White House, Secretary of Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld has publicly said that he has seen no "strong, hard evidence" linking me to Al Qaeda.

Well, DUH!!!!

Isn't that what I've been saying all along? But do people listen? No, because they foolishly believe I'm out of the picture.

But that's okay. I'm keeping track of who says what about me, and when I return to power, rest assured a lot of people are suddenly going to be flip-flopping.

Now even former Infidel Administrator Paul Bremer has come out and said that the US didn't have enough troops to set up a proper occupation. According to him, this allowed an "atmosphere of lawlessness" to become established.

Say what you will, but lawlessness was something I never tolerated. If someone stole as much a piece of fruit from a street vendor, they would end up having a hand chopped off. Oh, and you know what was funny about that? We'd always give the suspect a choice of which hand to have removed. Then, depending on which one they picked, we'd chop off the other one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, after a while the criminals started figuring this out. So they would say they wanted their right hand chopped off thinking we'd chop off their left hand. But then we would, in fact, chop off their right hand.

But the criminal mind is always quick to adapt, and so the criminals started telling us they wanted their left hand chopped off thinking we thought they meant they wanted their right hand chopped off when they really meant their left hand, all the while knowing that we would chop off their right hand.

Well, needless to say, all this psychological warfare became VERY confusing after a while.... So we started chopping off their feet instead.

The trick, you see, is to stay one step ahead of the criminals. Of course, that's not too hard when they're hopping around on one foot!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

That's it. Iraq is doomed. The country will descend into civil war and cease to exist as a single nation.

Now some of you are probably saying, "But Saddam, that's an overly pessimistic view of the current situation! How can you be so sure of this?"

Because I said so. And what the hell are you doing questioning my ravings? Do you want to lose your thumbs? Because if that's the case, I will be more than happy to grant your wish.

Besides, Donald Rumsfeld just said that Iraq is NOT descending into civil war!

Keep in mind that this guy is the same genius who said that more American troops weren't needed in Iraq and that everything is going just fine and dandy. He's also the chief architect of the current occupation. And this man has done an exemplary job of repeatedly demonstrating that whenever he predicts something, the exact opposite ends up happening.

So yes, Iraq is doomed to civil war.

Did you watch the debate between Bush and Carrie? Oh, how I love being the center of attention!!!! Reminds me of some of the parties I used to throw. Of course, at them I was the center of attention for a different reason: The guests' lives depended on it! And may Allah the merciful have mercy on the souls of those who failed to RSVP in a timely fashion....

Which brings me to my next point, which really wasn't going to be a point at all, but now that I mention it, will be a point, though not the major point, of today's entry: What's wrong with people nowadays? If someone sends you a fancy-schmancy invitation to a lavish party, or a bar mitzvah (though I personally never got a whole lot of those), or a wedding, or a public execution, and they ask you for an RSVP, please take a few minutes to respond. Otherwise, how is that person supposed to know how many people to prepare for? It's the polite thing to do.

Unless you happen to be a despot like me, of course. Then you can show up at parties uninvited any damn time you feel like it.

Now back to my orginal point: That Carrie guy certainly has my vote! Did you see him running rhetorical circles around Bush last night? I thought he made some very good points, but feel free disagree with me if you want. Just keep in mind that it will be the last opinion you ever have.

I see that things in Florida aren't going very well after all those hurricanes, which I understand are similar to sandstorms except with water.

Thousands of people remain without homes, many schools are still closed, and well over a million people are still without electricity.

Hmmm.... Sounds a lot like Iraq!

So how long till the insurgency starts?

The CIA recently prepared something called a "National Intelligence Estimate," and it contains truly heartwarming news. Well, heartwarming for me, anyway.

It says that the best case scenario for Iraq is a continued insurgency. The worst case scenario is outright civil war. Some observers would argue that we are already in the early stages of that worst case.

Did Bush actually think that the Sunni minority of my country would agree to be ruled by a Shiite majority? That's like saying that because there are more cockroaches than humans, the bugs should rule mankind!

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

I'm introducing a new, periodic feature in which I will take selected comments and answer them in my posts. It will appear on a somewhat irregular basis, perhaps every week or two. Then again, I may also decide to discontinue it entirely. Who knows? You see, that's one of the great things about being a dictator: I can do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to whomever the hell I want!!!! Assuming it's okay with the guards, that is.

I've been debating what to call it. One possibility I considered was "Saddam's Mailbag," but the comments aren't really mail. And Allah only knows I certainly wouldn't want to do anything deceptive or misleading!!!

Then I thought of "Dear Saddam," but I didn't want it to sound like some sort of fruity advice column.

At thst point I went back to the drawing board and decided to name the column after what I do best. So without further ado, here's the first installment of:

Mock the Infidels

* Reader Tung Yin writes: "Hey Saddam, what kind of crap is this news story, er, propaganda that I've read: "CAIRO (AFP) - Toppled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is miserable sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial on charges of crimes against humanity and has begged for mercy, Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said in an interview." What do you plan to do about this sort of calumny?"

Well, Mr. Yin, the first thing I plan to do is look up the word "calumny." And haven't I warned you previously about using big words around me? Have you already forgotten the lesson I taught you? Or are you merely bored and you actually want electrodes hooked up to your naughty bits?

cal·um·ny: 1) A false statement maliciously made to injure another's reputation. 2) The utterance of maliciously false statements; slander.

Ah, now I understand! Basically, you're asking me if Allawi is a lying sack of camel crap!! Well, I'm just going to follow John Kerry's example and not do ANYTHING while others say slanderous things about me. Mr. Allawi also insists that things are going swimmingly well in Iraq, so I'll let his credibility speak for itself.

* Another reader, Joe, wrote in response to the Sept 20 entry: "get a life you immature losers. funny how you complain about Bush, yet you emulate a person who has killed millions of his own. and as for the discovery of AMD's, where is your mention of Mustard Gas, and Rican, both of which are banned as AMD's. These are gasses used to kill people, and gases that he (saddam) tested on the kurds(his own people). where do you obnoxious little sh*t-weasels get off? chances are that you will delete this post anyway, kinda funny how you will defend someone who has called for the death of all Americans, yet you will not allow free speach to reign free on your own website. please, put your tinfoil hat back on, continue blaming the "Eevil" Chenney-Haliburton-Bush-Rove" death squads for everything. if you care to stand up for this stuff that you beleive in, please feel free to email me. but try useing facts in your arguments. i have read your aimless spew here, and don't need an email full of it."

First of all, let me say that I admire your command of the English language, Joe. It's almost as good as President Bush's! Your inability to master the proper use of capital letters, as well as your heavy reliance on misspelled words certainly says a lot about your intellectual capacity!! Have you thought about trying out for Jeopardy!? On second thought, maybe you better not. You'd only end up owing Alex Trebeck money.

Had you taken the time to peruse the rest of this site, you would have seen that I have often spoken with great pride of gasing Kurds and Shiites. I have never denied using such substances in the past; the question that needs to be asked is whether I still have them. After all, that was one of the initial reasons for the invasion of my country. All that crap about creating a free and democratic Iraq only started AFTER the search for WMD's came up empty.

Oh, and I have not killed "millions" of my own people. That is an outrageous, baldfaced lie!! Who told you that crap anyway? The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth?

At last count it was only 999,354.

* Finally, Danny the Infidel asks: Has the first edition of 'Car Bombs for Dummies' reached the Baghdad book stores yet?

Yes, but the delivery truck blew up before it could be unloaded.

Interim Puppet Prime Minister Ayad Allawi has been in Washington during the past week. Apparently he and George Dubya engaged in some heavy drinking, because that's the only way I can explain their optimism about the future of Iraq.

It should be obvious to everyone that not only are things getting worse, the whole stinkin' place is descending into total, absolute chaos. Foreigners are being kidnapped at an accelerated pace, bootlegged copies of beheading videos are selling on streetcorners, three or four car bombs are going off every week, Iraqi police and army recruits getting targeted for attacks at increasing rates, and more American troops are being killed and wounded than ever.

Quite frankly, the country is so royally f*cked up right now that I'm no longer sure that even I want it back. After all, I'm a despot, not a miracle worker.

Yet these two clowns continue to insist that those stupid elections will go forward in January. Um, how? Despite what Allawi says, large portions of the country are in the hands of various insurgent groups. Does he seriously believe those places will be able to participate in elections? And if, in fact, large portions of Iraq can not vote, what will that do to the legitimacy of any future government?

On the other hand, any future Iraqi government that does not have me in charge is, by definition, illegitimate.

Even Donald Rumsfeld, whom I consider to be a ninny of the highest order, has conceded that large parts of the nation may not be able to vote. But then there are people at the State Department who insist that EVERYONE in Iraq will be able to do so.

It's becoming obvious that not only is President Bush living in the land of Oz, but that even the rest of the United States government is populated by clueless Munchkins.

Have you heard of a brain dysfunction called "perseveration?" A couple of psychologists have written a paper suggesting that the German fighter ace known as the Red Baron suffered from it.

People who suffer from perseveration stubbornly persist in a task even when they know it is doomed to failure. But they become so fixated on the task at hand that they absolutely can not give up on it. In the case of the Red Baron, he pursued a British pilot into enemy airspace even when he knew he was certain to be shot down. The authors of the paper theorize that in the case of the Red Baron, the disorder was brought on by a head wound he had suffered some time before.

Hmmm... A fixation on an unattainable goal.... Extreme stubbornness....

Does anyone know if President Bush bumped his head when he passed out during the pretzel incident a few years ago?

---------------Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer

United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan has caused a bit of a stir with his pronouncement that the Iraq war was "illegal."

Now please understand that I don't want to seem ungrateful, because I'm not. And I say this because I know that there are certain individuals out there who think I'm rude, uncouth, and have bad table manners. And that's just not true! I am actually very well versed in the social graces, and I read Miss Manners almost every day! I even know which fork is for what at fancy dinners!

On the other hand, since I'm usually busy fulfilling my duties as a brutal despot who gases his own people, I don't generally have too many opportunities to show off my refined tastes. Besides, I don't want to look like a pansy.

I say all this because I want you to understand that I have put a lot of thought into the precise wording of the question I'm about to ask:

Why the F*CK didn't that stupid son of a bitch say this a year and a half ago?!?!?!?!?!?!

---------------KAL, Baltimore Sun

Have you ever wondered what fuels the insurgency in Iraq? I recently stumbled across a short video interview with one of the groups outside of Tikrit. Apparently it's somewhat dated, since they make reference to the "hunt for Saddam." Either that, or the boneheads are illiterate and haven't read that I've been, er, "temporarily detained." Current or not, it's quite informative.

It gives me great joy whenever I see despotism and oppression spreading to another country like a beacon of darkness in the light of day.... Or whatever the hell I just said.

Quite frankly, Vladimer Putin had me worried for a while. He was genuinely toying with democracy and freedom for a while. That's a dangerous combination, and it can easily cost a national leader his job. His announcement that he is suspending the free election of local governors is certainly a step in the right direction, and shows that he's finally coming to his senses.

Of course, President Bush immediately had to step in with some comic relief, and he was absolutely hilarious!! In case you missed it, Bush said that Putin "must uphold the principles of democracy."

Um, excuse me, and please forgive me if I'm wrong on this point, but doesn't one of those so-called "principles of democracy" say that the guy with the MOST votes wins?

So then why isn't Al Gore President?

What day is it? Monday? That means my favorite show is on tonight. No, no, I'm not talking about Terrorist Eye for the Infidel Guy. I meant my OTHER favorite show, Labor and Materials.

Every week they go to someone's bombed out house and rebuild it. They film the entire process, and it's actually quite surprising how good the show is.

Then after they're done, a film crew from "World's Wildest Car Bombs" shows up and blows up the house again!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Actually, I was just kidding about that last part. Well, MOSTLY kidding.....

Anyway, the show is hosted by some 29 year old chick named Shaima Emad Zubair. Quite frankly, I've always been intrigued by women who know how to wield power tools. I wonder if she would let me plug mine in?

I was referring to my belt sander, you frikkin' perverts!!!

When I get out of here, I plan to track her down. From what I've heard, a number of my palaces are in serious need of remodeling.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelpia Inquirer

My head hurts. Of course, that's to be expected since I've been beating my head against the bars of my cell ever since I heard this latest little tidbit of news.

The infidel congress of America passed a resolution marking the third anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Now that's all fine and noble. I would have no problem with the move IF it had only stopped there. But, of course, it didn't.

The resolution notes that "since the United States was attacked" on 9/11, "it has led an international military coalition in the destruction of two terrorist regimes in Afghanistan and Iraq."

Excuse me? That kind of makes it sound like I was somehow behind those attacks! And I thought it had been settled a long time ago that I had absolutely nothing to do with it! Even that 9/11 Commission pointed out that it had found no connection between Al Qaeda and me. So why do some people continue to insist that I did?

Granted, I'm a tyrant. And yes, I ran a reasonably brutal dictatorship. And true, I loved to occasionally engage in the mass slaughter of Shiites and Kurds, but who doesn't? Besides, what I do in the confines of my own borders is my own damn business! I mean, have I ever told the United States how to run an election? No, of course not!!

Though lord knows someone should!

Ah, but we are talking about Republicans, though, aren't we? Not only do they go poking into what goes on behind closed borders, they want to dictate what goes on peoples' closed bedroom doors, too!!! So I suppose I really shouldn't be all that shocked.

Here's the best part: The guy who wrote this resolution, Henry Hyde of Illinois, actually said in response to the critics, "there is a direct connection between the war in Iraq and the bombing of Sept. 11."

The people running the damn country have the collective IQ of a sand fly. Is it any wonder the United States is so royally screwed up?

So what's the big surprise? I've already said that I called Johnny Cochran. What do you think I am, a fool? I mean, if Cochran can get frikkin' O.J. Simpson acquited, he can get ANYONE acquited!!

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

As you know, I am always out to provide my vast legions of loyal readers--as well as the occasional passers by who probably also like to stop and stare at car wrecks--with new features and services on my site. In keeping with that desire, I have added a countdown feature which will track the days till two important events. You can find this new addition on the left of the screen, immediately above my large throbbing poll but below the Iraq War cost counter.

Now some of you may be saying, "Why Saddam, that is certainly big news! Are you privy to secret, inside information, and do you have any other large throbbing poles we can play with?"

No, I am not privy to such things. However, the events of the last 18 months or so have left me somewhat cynical and bitter about the world in which we live. So it wouldn't surprise me one bit if bin Laden were to be suddenly "found" four days before America's presidential election.

As to the second part of your inquiry: If you are a woman--preferably attractive with shaved armpits (though at this point I'm willing to take anything)--visiting hours are 5-8 P.M. weeknights, and 2-8 P.M. on weekends.

If you are a man, call the Governor of New Jersey.

Have you been following the progress of that Cassini spacecraft orbiting Saturn? It's returning very interesting information to the infidel scientists in charge of it.

For example, the NASA people had expected to find evidence of frozen water on the planet's moon, Titan. But instead of being covered with smooth ice, its surface is jagged, with large cracks and jagged ridges. And they're also not finding the expected evidence of liquid methane or clouds of ammonia.

---------------Oliphant

Hmmm.... The Americans seem to have a real habit of not finding what they're looking for!

---------------Marshall Ramsey, The Clarion Ledger

Any bets on whether Bush will declare "Bring 'em on" during his acceptance speech on Thursday?

You've probably heard by now that the Bush campaign created something of a controversy when it referred to the Olympics in its advertising. It uses a clip of the President telling an audience, "At this Olympics there will be two more free nations--and two fewer terrorist regimes." The problem, however, is that the Olympics and politics is forbidden. Not to mention that crap about me cavorting with known terrorists! I thought that had been discredited by now, but apparently not.

But the best part about this story is the Iraqi puppet soccer team's reaction. One player, a Salih Sadir, said that "Iraq as a team does not want Mr. Bush to use us for the presidential campaign. He can find another way to advertise himself."

But the best quote came from player Ahmed Manajid: "I want to defend my home. If a stranger invades America and the people resist, does that mean they are terrorists? ... Everyone [in Falluja] has been labeled a terrorist. These are all lies. Falluja people are some of the best people in Iraq."

As much as I appreciate their comments, I am also somewhat suspicious of them. These men probably see the handwriting on the wall--assuming there are still any walls left that haven't been blown up by car bombs--and realize that I will soon be issued an apology and full pardon, at which point I will return to power. And when that happens, I'll be checking my list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice.

Yes, in a way I suppose that is kind of like what Santa does. But I'm betting jolly ol' Saint Nick doesn't go around publicly executing dissident elves.

Normally it pleases me when my many supporters throughout the world demonstrate on my behalf. Indeed, nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than hearing thousands of protesters chanting anti-American slogans in the streets of some European capital. And it positively brings a tear to my eye when some hooded anarchist burns the US flag. And the irony of it all just fills my heart with, um, well, irony. If any of these people had ever tried protesting against my regime in Iraq, they'd have ended up in Abu Ghraib faster than you can say "Death to the Great Satan and all the evil it represents, but we love those Air Jordan sneakers and Nike t-shirts!"

And keep in mind that when I ran that place, we engaged in only serious, classic torture. You know, stuff like pulling out fingernails with pliers, delivering electric shocks to prisoner's manly parts, etc. None of this gay porn crap the Americans were into. What the hell kind of movies do the infidels watch to come up with those kind of ideas? That's just sick.

---------------Mike Peters, Dayton Daily News

Anyway, my point is that I appreciate the gestures of support. However, I am finding the recent reports out of Greece somewhat disturbing. Apparently large groups of demonstrators have caused Colin Powell to cancel plans to attend the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but KNOCK IT OFF!!!!! Why are you protesting against Colin Powell? He is the only person in the Bush administration with a lick of common sense! He warned Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld that an occupation of Iraq would quickly turn ugly. But did they listen to him? No, of course not. Because those three had already made up their minds and didn't want to hear from anyone who disagreed with their rosy assessments of the future.

Granted, Powell did go before the United Nations and accuse me of some very nasty crimes, but that's okay. I'm sure he was forced to do that because President Cheney was threatening to ship Mrs. Powell and the kids off to Guantanomo Bay. I know from personal experience that nothing motivates reluctant cabinet ministers more than threats against their families.

But I can certainly understand the urge to vent frustration against America, so do what I do: Find yourselves a high quality Xerox machine--Oh, wait.... Is the term "Xerox" trademarked? Probably is, and I certainly wouldn't want to get myself into legal trouble....

So Find yourselves a high quality generic COPIER (Canon makes the best ones (HAHAHA)), drop your pants, sit on the machine, and make a quality image (spring for full color if you can afford it) of your hairy pimple-ridden tuckus. Then fax that to the White House.

And just for laughs, sign it Texas Guard Veterans for Truth.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

According to this latest news item, things in Najaf may be about to come to a head.

Puppet Prime Minister Ayad Allawi is issuing yet another final ultimatum to Muqtada al-Sadr and his wacko followers still holed up in that shrine, warning that unless they immediately lay down their arms, then another ultimatum warning of dire consequences may be forthcoming. This could, in turn, lead to an final ultimatum followed by, quite possibly, another absolutely, positively no more ultimatums after this ultimatum. Both sides are currently in negotiations over the exact wording of the next ultimatum, which may or may not be the last one.

What's next? A bunch of "final chances?"

Personally, I think it would be easier to just gas the whole bunch of 'em.



(Thanks to Solar for the link.)

Everyone's a whiner....

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Stunning news out of Oslo, Sweden. Or maybe it's Norway. Then again, Oslo could be in Finland. Not that it really matters, though. No one can tell those three apart anyway.

Masked gunmen burst into an art museum and stole Edvard Munch's "The Scream" and Madonna. What the hell is this world coming to, when armed hoodlums can just stroll into respected Swedish art museums--though it could also be respected Norwegian or Finnish art museums--and walk out with famous paintings? What the hell is that about? It's not like we're talking about the Baghdad Museum of Antiquities, which was left wide open to looters because the Americans invaded me with insufficient forces to secure as much as a frikkin' gas station.

No, this particular outrage happened not in the Middle East, but in a civilized part of the world, right next to Scandinavia.... Or maybe it's next to Denmark.... Possibly Holland.... Though it could also be next to the Netherlands. Maybe even Belgium. Doesn't really matter, though. No one can tell them apart either.

Now as far as Madonna is concerned, who cares? She's getting kind of old and probably developing cellulite by now. But if it were Britney Spears, well, then that would be a different matter.

But "The Scream?" That's a world famous painting. What the hell are they going to do with it? Sell it on eBay? It's not like you can hang that one on your living room wall and no one will notice it.

Changing the subject just a bit, what's going on with the Americans' so-called "Dream Team?" They just lost ANOTHER basketball game, this time to Lithuania! Or maybe it was Latvia. Possibly Estonia. No one can tell those three apart anyway.

The Americans are NBA players, for crying out loud!! How can they lose to farmers from Lithuania.... Or Latvia.... Or Estonia? I mean, the Americans invented the damn game!!! Michael Jordan needs to come out of retirement again to straighten these guys out.

And I'll tell you something else right now: If Uday were still around, and he had been coaching the Americans, they would NEVER have lost. Uday knew how to motivate a sports team!

---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Does anyone know what the hell is going on in Najaf? First Muqtada al-Sadr is surrendering, then he's not, and then the militants are coming out, and then they're still in there, and then the Iraqi puppet police are in control, and then they're not, And then Sadr is disarming, and then he's not, and then Nicky Hilton gets married, and a week later she still is, and then aliens have landed and made contact with earthlings, and then they haven't....

The whole thing is very, VERY confusing, and it only serves to point out what I've been saying all along: The only thing those damn Shiites understand is Sarin.

I would loan the Americans some, but gosh, I don't seem to have any of that stuff any more!



P.S.
Since I'm Saddam, I reserve the right to go back and occasionally edit old posts. Any objections?

I didn't think so.

Now a Republican congressman has come out against the invasion of my country. In a letter to his contitients.... constitutionis.... his subjects, Doug Bereuter of Nebraska says the war is a "costly mess." He goes on to say that the United States' reputation around the world has suffered greatly.

This is a truly bold move by Congressman Bereuter, and I admire his cajones. Of course, if a member of my government ever broke ranks with me like that, well, it wouldn't have been pretty. There would have been electrodes, torture, fingernails being pulled, lots of screaming, splattering blood, etc. Of course, since Mr. Bush is running a democracy with freedom of speech, he can't do any of that.

So you see, being a despot has its advantages!

---------------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

________________________________________________

As many of you already know, I am multitalented. In addition to being a widely respected dictator hellbent on world domination, I have musical aspirations as well.

Here's my latest composition. Oh, and just like Enya, I play all my own instruments!

I am experiencing quite a dilemma.

As you know I absolutely despise Shiites. They're good for absolutely nothing except target practice. Yet I must admit a begrudging admiration for Muqtada al-Sadr, who has proven himself to be quite a thorn in the Americans' side. Plus, there have been allegations he knocked off a rival cleric last year, so maybe the guy isn't all that bad after all.

Most importantly, Najaf is getting the holy crap pounded out of it. I mean, look at this photo!! Quite frankly, I don't think I could have done a better job myself!!

What? That's NOT a photo of Najaf!?! That's Florida!?! Well, why would Bush be bombing Florida? Did they screw up the election again, but this time in his opponent's favor? Never mind. I don't pretend understand the democratic process, and I hope I never do. Tyrannical rule is much simpler.

Anyway, my point is that I'm thoroughly enjoying what's happening with al-Sadr. The beauty of current situation is that there is no way the Americans can win this thing in the court of Arab public opinion. And if al-Sadr is killed, then he becomes a martyr not only in the eyes of his supporters, but in the hearts of everyone in the middle East.

On the other hand, if the Americans back off, then al-Sadr ends up winning a major victory! That, in turn, will only encourage further resistance to the occupying forces.

In the meantime, innocents will continue to die and carbombs will continue to explode. And with each subsequent incident, people will only come to further miss the good old days when I was running things!! Yeah, sure, occasionally my security forces would kick in the front door and drag someone's screaming relative off to prison, never to be seen again. But at least people could walk their dogs without having to worry about getting blown to bits in a drive-by bombing.

Plus, people knew what to expect in my prisons! Good old fashioned physical torture and a slow agonizing death! None of this foolishness about getting stripped naked while pregnant infidel women point at your naughty bits!!!

A number of you have asked me how I feel about the Iraqi soccer team's victory over Portugal the other day.

Let me first say that I'm not much of a sports fan. I'm usually too busy oppressing someone, or hitting on Arab chicks with hairy armpits in bars, or ordering chemical weapon attacks on the Shiites. Um, what I mean is, I WOULD be busy ordering chemical weapon attacks, IF I actually had any, which I don't. Not me. No sirree. Uh-uh. No way.

Although I'm sure the US would love to have some WMD's right about now to help clean up Najaf. But more on that later....

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

As far as the motivation of sports teams is concerned, that was always Uday's specialty. He enjoyed hanging around men's lockerrooms, and coaching gave him the perfect excuse.

But as far as this current Iraqi soccer team is concerned, keep in mind that they don't count. They're not the real Iraqi soccer team.

They're merely the puppet Iraqi soccer team.

The Washington Post's editor's have been flogging themselves over their blind belief in the Bush Administration's wild rantings about my weapons of mass of destruction. But why? Do these people also stop and listen and carefully take notes when they encounter some wacko homeless guy on a street corner, pushing his worldly possessions along in a shopping cart, as he wildly flails his arms and rants about the alien mind control device implanted in his skull?

But now these Post bigwigs admit that a few reporters wrote stories questioning some of the intelligence, but those stories ended being buried on page A-18 next to the JC Penney lingerie ads.

Look guys, I appreciate your attempts to correct your past mistakes, but it's kinda late now, ain't it? I mean, thousands of people have died because some dyslexic idiot couldn't tell the difference between IraQ and IraN, my country is in ruins--even more so than when I was running it--and instability is spreading throughout the middle east, and NOW you're finally saying "Oopsies!"

It's understandable. Mistakes happen. Now stop torturing yourselves over it.

I'll do that myself when I get out of here.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

I continue to be vexed by the Bush Administration's double standards. For example, you remember how he branded my humble little peace-loving paradise of a nation as a "rogue state," and used that as a justification to launch his surprise attack, of which I had absolutely no warning? Just what is a "rogue state," anyway? A country that doesn't quite fit into international standards of normal behavior? And who's to say that Iraq wasn't merely an "eccentric state," a kind of nation-sized version of your eccentric uncle Fred, who likes hanging out at playgrounds in his trenchcoat? And what about Han Solo? Wasn't he a "lovable rogue?" How come Bush isn't condemning him? And if Han really is as tough as he pretends to be, how come he isn't kicking George Lucas' ass for destroying the Star Wars franchise with those last two sequels, or prequels, or whatever the hell they're called?

Now you may be wondering where I'm going with this. Go ahead, raise your hands if you think ol' Saddam has finally cracked..... WOW!!! There's a lot of you, isn't there? Well, let me just jot down your IP addresses, and I'll be over to pay you a visit as soon as I'm outta here.

Anyway, the reason I raise this issue is that I just came across this article about rogue waves that can threaten international shipping. These are 100 foot tall monster walls of water that can occur either during storms, or even in calm seas, and swamp a ship. Satellite imagery has demonstrated that these are a REAL threat, as opposed to the make believe fantasy threat that I posed to the world!!

So why isn't Bush out there bombing the damn ocean?

---------------Bill Schorr, United Media

I remember the firestorm of controversy that erupted a year and a half ago when the Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines made her anti-Bush comment in London. She created quite an uproar among the groups' conservative fans, and many radio stations went as far as to ban their songs.

Well, that was now and this is then. No wait.... I mean THAT was THEN and THIS is NOW!! Not only have the views of the Dixie Chicks been vindicated, but many other musicians are now climbing aboard the anti-Bush bandwagon. Now I'm not sure what a bandwagon is in America, but around these parts, it's a traditional Bedouin mode of transportation pulled by camels.

But I digress....

The Dixie Chicks will be joining the "Vote for Change" concert tour. Other musicians included in the 20 city tour are Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne, and members of Pearl Jam. Their effort is specifically intended to oust to oust Bush by raising $44 million for John Kerry.

Needless to say, I would love to join them. No, no, that's not just wishful thinking on my part. I'm a serious musician, although my duties as a world renown despot often came before my rock and roll showmanship.

In fact, Natalie and I came out with a CD of duets in the spring of 2003. But alas, after she opened her yap that night in London, no radio station in America would even touch the album, and its sales went straight down the toilet.

Anyway, we've already talked about working together again just as soon as I get out of this joint. We're going to do an album of nothing but classic Captain & Tennile love songs.

And no free downloads!!! I need the cash.

---------------Mike Keefe, Denver Post

________________________________________________

Wonderful news!!! I think my day of freedom just got a little bit closer!!

Remember that fat f*ck, Ahmad Chalabi? He's the lying sack of camel crap that convinced the Americans I had WMD's, and that their armies would be greeted as liberators. Of course, that doesn't mean this war is entirely his fault; after all, he still had to find a United States President, Vice President, and Secretary of Defense STUPID enough to believe him.

Then a couple of months ago Chalabi was accused of giving sensitive information to the Iranians. That had to be just a bit embarrassing for the Americans. But today his sordid tale got even better!!

Now comes word that the temporary puppet government of Iraq has issued a warrant for his arrest. Apparently he was caught with a whole sh*tload of counterfeit dinars in his house!! And if that's not bad enough, a separate warrant has been issued for Salem Chalabi, Ahmad's nephew. No, not for anything stupid like counterfeiting. Nope. Salem's warrant is for murder!!!! And it was Salem, you may recall, who was the SOB in charge of the tribunal that was going to try me for.... MURDER!!! Well, okay, technically there are several hundred thousand counts of murder against me compared to Salem's one, but still, it looks bad.

I mean, let's face it: Salem Chalabi trying me for murder would be almost as absurd as, oh, George Bush attacking John Kerry's war record!!!

Further proving that I was right all along, the illegally installed puppet regime currently trying to do a pathetic imitation of running a country has reinstalled the death penalty in Iraq. However, they are stressing that it will be MUCH more rarely used than when I was running things.

Well, fine, but I think you're going to start seeing people spitting on the sidewalks again.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

________________________________________________

Those sniveling cowards in Kuwait have banned Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 911. They're upset that the movie insults the Saudi Royal family, and is opposed to the invasion of my country.

Oddly enough, however, they didn't ban Harold and Kumar Go to an Afghan Terror Training Camp Secretly Funded by the Saudi Royal Family and Learn how to Steer a Plane.

---------------Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury

Some of you may recall that back on July 22 I cited the story of the missing jogger in Utah. And before any other details were known, I predicted that the husband did it.

Usually I enjoy always being right.

This, however, was not one of those times.

As you've probably heard, the Infidel States of America has Washington, New York, and Newark, New Jersey under a Code Orange terror alert. You know what I find wildly amusing about this? If Bush hadn't wasted all that time--and all those resources--invading Iraq and chasing me around, they probably would have caught bin Laden by now!!! After all, he's the guy who killed who killed 3000 Americans on 9/11, not me!

That's the sad truth about the present situation: If bin Laden had been the one caught last December, the current Code Orange alert would not have been necessary and--even more importantly--I'd be sipping cognac next to my pool in Tikrit. Instead I'm sitting in a jail cell in Qatar sipping rancid water next to a metal toilet while guards walk by and point at my genitals.

With admiration, no doubt.

And why is Newark on that list of potential targets? I mean, who the hell would want to attack frikkin' Newark!?!?! How would you even tell the difference afterwards!?!?!

I've made a few minor changes on the site. First of all, I added a "Best of Saddam" section. You may either click the link near the top of the page, or scroll down to near the bottom. They're in chronological order according by date. The listed entries were selected by a highly impartial panel: Me. Well, originally, there 12 other people, but they kept offering suggestions that I didn't entirely agree with.

I'm sure they will receive decent burials.

Also, I finally found a weather feed for Iraq that works. It's at the top of the left hand column. Unfortunately, it's the conditions for Basra and not Baghdad, but who cares? If you've seen one frikkin' desert, you've seen 'em all.

My polls, which I offer in order to pretend I care what you think, are now ad free. Feel free to click on to them without being bombarded by half a dozen pop-ups.

If you're a Blogspot user and have extra gmail invitations on hand, you may donate them to the American troops. Now some of you may wonder why I'm doing such a nice thing. That's a legitimate question, and if you wish to press your luck further, you are most welcome to join the 12 members of my aforementioned "Best Of" committee. Oh, and bring your own shovel.

And one final note to you Blogspotters: As you are no doubt aware, Blogger has now begun offering its own commenting system. And if you're anything like me, you enjoy periodically gassing your neighbors, in addition to wondering how this new commenting feature works. And if you're NOTHING like me, you're probably still wondering how it works even though you're a pathetic wuss of an infidel.

Well, I finally found a site (and no, that link does NOT take you to a porn site, you simple minded pervert. Now pull your pants back up) that uses the new commenting feature, and quite frankly, it sucks. The first click only displays the comments already posted, and you need to click a second time if you want to leave one yourself. Plus, unless you want to leave an anonymous comment, you need to sign in with your user name. And if you're not already a Blogspot user, you need to sign up.

Frankly, that stinks. That's the kind of egotistical ploy you would expect from the French. If you're anything like me, you enjoy shooting Shiites for the hell of it, in addition to signing your work when you leave threatening remarks on the sites of rabid right wing bloggers who continue to believe Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are military genuises.

So follow the example of your Uncle Saddam and hide in a seven foot deep hole when 600 enemy troops looking to kick your ass suddenly show up in your backyard, and stick with Haloscan for your comments.

You know, I was kind of missing my Minister of Information's ridiculous pronouncements. But then I started thinking about it....

---------------From an Email

I know there has been a lot of snickering going on behind my back about my alleged poetry writing. And that's okay! Really! I'm well aware of who's been making snide comments, and I've been recording your IP addresses. In fact, I just emailed the list to the Committee of Planning and Follow-up. They will be in touch with you shortly.

As for the rest of you who aren't suddenly fleeing for your lives, I thought I would share one of my poems with you:

They call me Beast of Baghdad.
They're hurtful and they're snide --
But that's because they've never seen
My sweet, poetic side.
Sure, I authorized some floggings,
And gassed to death some foes,
But I'm hoping now to show the world
The Saddam that no one knows.
This Saddam is filled with anguish
For all things mean and bad.
I weep for mankind's pain -- in fact,
My name begins with Sad.
My pen, it has a warhead
You thought I'd hidden weapons
And I admit I did, in part:
To warm the coldest heart.
Neither cell nor fetid rathole
Can still this plaintive wail.
I'll keep writing mush, I swear it
Till you get me outta jail.

Oh, and if anyone tries to tell you that was actually written by a some guy named Gene Weingarten, don't listen to them.