Some scientist in Scotland, which is a country filled with infidels north of England, has discovered the fossilized tracks of a huge scorpion which lived 330 million years ago. One has to wonder what this insect's reaction would have been if he had known that not only would someone hundreds of millions of years in the future discover his footprints, but that a guy Saddam would end up blogging about it.

Anyway, the creature is estimated to have measured five feet--almost two meters--in length. That makes it almost a foot longer than the scorpions we have here in Iraq in the present.

As I'm sure you're all aware, I had another court appearance yesterday, and some of you are questioning the wisdom of my berating the judge. You raise a good point, so let me answer your question with a question of my own: Are you completely out of your minds!?!?! Do you have any idea what happens to people who question my decisions? Do you have any idea how painful electrodes attached to your testicles can be? Or would you prefer to be hung from the ceiling by your nipples?

Good. I'm glad we settled that particular issue.

Besides, what's the judge going to do about it? Nothing. I mean, how many of you honestly believe this guy is going to live long enough to render judgment against me? The mortality rate among officials--especially judges--of the current temporary government of Iraq is only slightly higher than that of a poor black American trapped in New Orleans during a category 5 hurricane. On the other hand, at least Bush cares about the Iraqi officials.

Why, just the other day, eight Sunnis were arrested for plotting the assassination of the clown who prepared the case against me. And let's not forget the two lawyers working on behalf of my co-defendants who've gotten whacked in the last few weeks.

Let's face it: If you're a lawyer or judge involved in this case, your odds of finding someone to sell you life insurance are about the same as buying flood insurance for your house in New Orleans.

Thanksgiving is a major holiday among the infidel Americans, and Bush is spending the week at his Texas ranch. But at least he's not lonely, as over one hundred anti-war protesters are camped nearby.

In addition to turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and a hot buttered roll, Bush has a number of problems on his plate as well. His approval ratings continue to hover below 40%. The only thing keeping him from going even lower are his fellow Republicans, 80% of whom think the President is doing a great job. Apparently these people admire liars who lead them into war using exaggerated claims and with absolutely no idea of what needs to be done once a country is occupied.

While Bush doesn't have to worry about reelection, his party members in congress do. And even though those elections are still almost a year off, they are beginning to sweat bullets. And the fact that a number of them may be caught up in a series of corruption investigations doesn't help.

The foreign minister of occupied Iraq, Hoshiyar Zebari, has finally responded to all the talk about countries withdrawing their troops. He says--apparently with a straight face--that such a withdrawal would lead to violence in Iraq.

What? Violence here in Iraq? Well, that would certainly be a shame. After all, the place has been so peaceful since the Americans arrived!

Now the German intelligence service has weighed in with accusations that Bush exaggerated claims by an alleged informant, claims that were used to justify the invasion. According to the Krauts, an Iraqi defector codenamed "Curveball" was the source of allegations that we had stockpiles biological weapons. The Germans say they warned the Americans that this "Curveball" fellow had "emotional and mental problems," and that his claims were unverifiable.

Well, that's just great. Not only does Bush talk to God, but he listens to wackos who have unresolved issues with their mothers!?!?!

So I guess that means that hundreds of billions of dollars have gone down the toilet, thousands of people have died, and Iraq has been plunged into civil war all because some guy didn't take his Prozac.

One of the big debates in the United States right now--or at least what I hear is one the big debates, because I'm Saddam and I'm writing this blog from an undisclosed location in or near Baghdad, which means there is no truth to the rumor that it is actually being written by a 17 year old varsity cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York--is whether an immediate withdrawal from Iraq would be disastrous. Let me be the first to say that no, it would not be. Please leave. Now. I'll even warm up the plane for you. Good-bye. It's been real and it's been fun, but too bad it hasn't been real fun. Adios. Hasta la vista, baby, and don't be back any time soon.

On the other hand, I'll be the first to admit that my opinion might be just a wee bit biased in the matter.

So let's instead turn to William Odom. He is a retired infidel General, and he has written an interesting piece on why it is in the best interests of the United States to leave NOW. But what makes his take on the matter interesting is that he has actually taken the Bush Administration's reasons as to why an immediate withdrawal would be bad, and turned them into arguments for leaving ASAP.

Odom goes on to say that "the invasion of Iraq may well turn out to be the greatest strategic disaster in American history."

I agree, and I'm humbled to be part of it.

Some of the stuff that continues to come out about Bush is downright scary. I mean, people thought I was a nutjob!?! I pale in comparison to the President.

Now there are reports in a London newspaper that Bush had wanted to bomb the offices of Al-Jazeera in Qatar!!! Can you believe that!?!?

According to the report in The Daily Mirror, Bush brought up the subject during a 2004 meeting with Tony Blair. The British Prime Minister, being somewhat saner, talked Bush out of the idea. The Mirror based its report on a memo that was leaked to the press.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan basically said the idea was ridiculous. On the other hand, McClellan also assured everyone a year ago that no one in the Administration had anything to do with the outing of that CIA agent, Valerie Plame.

Not that I'm questioning McClellan's credibility or anything....

Pressure on Bush to begin withdrawing his occupying forces has been growing over the last several weeks. The American public increasingly wants their soldiers home, and calls are mounting in Congress as well.

Now another voice has joined the chorus to get the Americans out of Iraq, and this one comes from a surprising source: The current Iraqi government! The communique, which was prepared not only by Sunnis but Kurds and Shiites as well, says it is time to establish a timetable for withdrawal of foreign forces from the country.

It stops short of calling for my return to power, but I'm sure that's only a matter of time.

Things are getting increasingly nasty in Washington. Now Vice President Cheney has gone on the attack, accusing the anti-war critics of being "dishonest" and "reprehensible," and engaging in shameless behavior.

Both Bush and Cheney have recently attacked their Democratic critics, pointing out that many of them voted in favor of the war. Well, yes, that's true, but they also based their decisions to do so on intelligence supplied by the White House. The question at hand is whether that intelligence was honest, or if only the intelligence backing the Bush Administration's accusations was passed along to the Congress while contradictory information was conveniently left out.

But forget about the intelligence for a moment. That's almost beside the point, because there's an even more important issue that's being overlooked in this debate: What the hell went wrong with the post-war planning? There were plenty of people saying--even before the war began--that more troops would be needed to properly secure the country. Why were those voices ignored?

And before Cheney offers any more criticism of the anti-war critics, shouldn't he explain why the American troops weren't greeted with flowers?

President Bush has been in Asia for the past week. He paid visits to Japan, China, South Korea, and Mongolia.

Hmmm.... The war's been over for 30 years, and Bush STILL won't go to Vietnam!

In another major setback for Bush, a major democratic congressional supporter of the war has now called for a withdrawal of American forces from Iraq. The congressman, John P. Murtha of Pennsylvania, says the troops are demoralized and poorly equipped. He went on to describe Bush's war as "a flawed policy wrapped in illusion."

Unlike many of his fellow Democrats, Murtha has the credentials to speak out on military matters. He served in the marines, and received two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star while in Vietnam. He later became the first Vietnam vet to be elected to Congress.

Republicans wasted no time in lashing out at Murtha. They predictably accused the Democrats of siding with terrorists. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said of Murtha's speech, "Murtha and Democratic leaders have adopted a policy of cut and run. They would prefer that the United States surrender to the terrorists who would harm innocent Americans."

Well, maybe so. But let's also keep in mind that there were no terrorists in Iraq until after the invasion.... And that Iraq had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks.... And that there were no Iraqis among the 19 hijackers.

Bush himself responded to Murtha's comments by calling politicians who dare question him and his policies "dishonest and reprehensible."

And Murtha had a wonderful response to that: "I like guys who got five deferments and [have] never been there and send people to war, and then don't like to hear suggestions about what needs to be done." He was referring to the fact that Cheney did not serve in the military (he received a deferment), and that Bush was an Air National Guardsman who did not leave the United States during the Vietnam War.

Remember those triple hotel bombings in Jordan last week? Among those killed was Moustapha Akkad. If the name rings a bell, that's because he produced the "Halloween" movies. Akkad's 34 year old daughter was also killed in the blasts.

Remember a couple of months ago when the Americans launched the big attack on Tall Afar to clean out the insurgents? Some colonel said at the time that the city was being used as a base of operations by foreigners coming across the border from Syria. "They come across the border and use Tall Afar as a base to launch attacks across northern Iraq," he said.

Well, after questioning over 1,000 prisoners, identifying the fighters killed, and conducting a number of other analyses, it has been determined that a grand total of--drumroll, please--NO foreign fighters were caught or killed.

Hmmm.... So much for the theory that foreigners were causing all the problems in Iraq.

Well, now Dick Cheney has lashed out at the growing chorus of Iraq war critics. He especially targeted Democratic Senators who had previously voted for the war, but are now opposing it. The Vice President accused them of trying to "rewrite history."

Huh? They're trying to rewrite history?!? What a load of camel crap!!!! Mr. Cheney forgets that this war was supposed to be about eliminating my weapons of mass destruction and severing my ties to Al Qaeda. It wasn't until it became apparent that I had NO WMD's or meaningful ties to Osama that the war suddenly became about spreading democracy across the middle east.

Before Cheney accuses someone else of rewriting the past, perhaps he should check his own diary.

This is absolutely outrageous. Americans raided a defense ministry building run by the current Iraqi government and discovered 173 victims of torture. Most were malnourished, some showed physical signs of abuse, and one prisoner had even developed polio. The victims, who were Sunnis, were being held and abused by the Shiites running the facility!!

It once again demonstrates that the Americans don't have a clue about what's really going in Iraq, and that the current government is populated by thugs.

Such treatment of detainees runs against all accepted norms of international behavior, and violates a number of treaties. It is morally, spiritually, and legally reprehensible and completely indefensible. There is absolutely no way that such a thing can be justified. The Shiites responsible for this horror must be held to account for it.

Granted, we Sunnis used to do the exact same thing to the Shiites when I was in charge, but that was okay.

Did you hear about this chick they arrested in Jordan? She's the wife of one of the suicide bombers that hit the hotels a few days ago. Turns out she was supposed to participate as well, except her explosives-laden vest failed to blow up.

Now that's gotta be humiliating. You're given one task: Go blow yourself up. That should be fairly simple, shouldn't it? And quite frankly, I'm embarrassed to read that she's Iraqi! The article doesn't say, but my guess is that she's a Shiite. Those morons can't do anything right.

I would love to talk to her. Maybe dinner and a movie. Coffee afterwards. Then I'd walk her to her door and sneak a kiss. And if she doesn't slap the crap out of me at that point, I guess we'll both engage in a little, er, "horizontal action," if you catch my drift.

Remind me to get the hell out of there before she achieves an "explosive" orgasm, though.

And what's her motive, anyway? Male martyrs blow themselves up in an effort to spend eternity with those 72 virgins (and I'm assuming every suicide bomber gets a fresh set of virgins). But what about the female bombers? What are they hoping for? To spend eternity with 72 male virgins? How much fun can that be, getting stuck with some 15 year old kid who'll have to go home early to finish his homework? Besides, if a woman wants to sleep with 72 guys, doesn't that make her a slut? And aren't sluts denied access to paradise?

Seems like a regular catch 22 to me.

Needless to say, I chortled with glee when Lewis Libby was indicted by that grand jury a few weeks ago. But even at the time, I doubted if he was the one really responsible for leaking the name of that CIA operative.

Now new information is beginning to surface that increasingly suggests Vice President Dick Cheney as being the mastermind behind the whole thing, and Libby is merely taking the fall for him.

Investigators have found that the three suicide bombers that hit that country a few days ago were all non-Jordanians.

It's like Pat Buchanan once said: Those damn foreigners are nothing but trouble.

I must confess to be somewhat ignorant. Just what is this "Al Qaeda in Iraq" group trying to prove, anyway? If they want to convince the Americans to go home so I can return to power and bring those uppity Shiites back under control, fine. Proceed. Go right ahead. Don't let me stop you.

But blowing people up in Jordan? How does that help my current situation? And killing Muslims at a wedding party!?!? What the f*ck is Zarqawi thinking? That is NOT the way to win over your fellow Muslims.

And I don't mean to belabor the point, but if Bush had kept after the guy who killed 3,000 Americans on 9/11, maybe Osama wouldn't still be on the loose and inspiring morons like Zarqawi.

A couple of days after my last appearance in that kangaroo court, the attorney for one of my co-defendants was killed. Now comes word that another lawyer associated with our defense was shot to death by gunmen yesterday, and a second one wounded.

How the hell are we supposed to get fair trials if our lawyers keep getting knocked off!?!

This country would be a hell of a lot safer if someone--anyone--were in charge.

Today's lesson, boys and girls and--yes--stinkin' infidels, is about the importance of timing.

Good timing is a wonderful thing. It enables soccer players to score points by kicking the ball at just the right moment to get it past defenders. It enables you to score with a babe when you slip your arm around her during a scary scene while watching "Scream XXIV." And it enables despots to elude United Nations inspectors by constantly moving their illegal arms from one location to another.... Though, of course, I wouldn't know anything about that.

And as an example of bad timing, let's say you're the President of the United States of America. You've just had a really bad week, with Supreme Court nominees coming under fire, aids being indicted, fresh allegations about manipulating intelligence to justify a war, revelations that the CIA is running secret prisons around the world, and polls showing that 65% of the American public would rather walk everywhere than buy a used car from you.

So in an effort to regain the moral high ground, you announce that the United States does NOT torture its prisoners. No sooner do you this, and what happens? Fresh allegations that army Rangers punched and kicked detainees in Iraq.

Yup, it's all about the timing.

Evidence that the Bush Administration intentionally distorted intelligence continues to mount. The latest smoking gun to surface is a document prepared by American military intelligence in early 2002. It warned that a suspect who had been supplying information on Iraq's ties to Al Qaeda had been lying. Yet Bush went public with the man's accusations to justify the upcoming invasion of Iraq, and Colin Powell also cited the same information when he gave his presentation at the United Nations.

And I'm the one about to go on trial?!?!?!?!?!

The riots in France continue to worsen, and have now claimed their first life. The unrest began almost two weeks ago when three Muslim youths were fleeing police. They apparently decided that climbing into an electrical substation filled with cables carrying thousands of volts would be a good way to hide. What seemed like a good idea quickly went south, however, and two of them were killed. The third survived with serious burns.

France does not deserve this. I have been friends with Jacques Chirac for a long time, and on occasion we have even shared wine and hookers. And when Bush was clamoring to invade me three years ago, Chirac was a voice of moderation. For my fellow Muslims to treat their host country--a country which went out of its way to help me evade UN sanctions--this way is outrageous and just plain ill-mannered. It's even worse than eating with your elbows on the table.

And quite frankly, whose fault is it that these youths got themselves electrocuted? I mean, I had some close calls during the nine months the Americans were looking for me, but I never climbed onto high tension wires to elude them! Perhaps it's just the wisdom that comes with age, but I realized that doing that would be an incredibly bad idea.

As if Bush doesn't already have enough problems, now comes word that the CIA has a secret prison in eastern Europe. Oh, and the best part is that this jail is actually an old Soviet era facility, which makes the whole story positively reek of irony.

This is in violation of all sorts of human rights treaties, and now the European Union has launched an investigation into the allegations.

I just hope they don't stick Bush in the same cell with me.

In what can only be described as good news, President Bush's approval ratings in the United States continue to sink faster than the Titanic.

According to the latest survey by The Washington Post and ABC News, only 39% of his fellow citizens approve of his job performance while 60% disapprove. Even worse, only 40% of Americans view Bush as "honest and trustworthy," while 58% doubt his integrity.

Wow.... Bush's poll numbers are almost as bad as my own!

Perhaps due to some sort of unprecedented genetic mutation, Democracts in the United States Senate have suddenly developed enormous cojones and finally stood up to the Republican majority. In a rarely used move, they have forced the chamber into a rare closed session and are demanding an investigation into the reasons the U.S. invaded Iraq.

Their move was prompted by last week's indictment of that Lewis "Scooter" Libby guy who, with Vice President Cheney, was one of the principle architects of the war. Many view that indictment as merely the tip of an iceberg, and that further investigation will reveal the Bush Administration deliberately misled the American public into the war.

So when do I get my pardon?

Two years ago, to mark Halloween, I related the frightening but true story of the Headless Camelman of Fallujah. Having nothing better to do today except laugh at Bush's mounting problems, I decided to take a break from that and retell the Camelman story. I must reiterate that this is all true.... It also serves to explain why the people of Fallujah are so loyal to little ol' me. Enjoy.

The Legend of Camelman

When I was growing up, and even as a young, studly man baggin' babes left and right, I used to hear stories about some half-man, half-camel creature known as "Camelman." Supposedly this beast prowled the desert of northwestern Iraq, occassionally feasting on unsuspecting good looking teenagers foolishly caught in the throes of unbridled hormonal passion. But I, as all other well educated Iraqi citizens (both of them) dismissed the tales as fables concocted by superstitious villagers to keep the kids in line. However, I would soon learn that it was I who was ignorant....

It was late 1973 when I was on a date with Barbara Streisand. We were in the backseat of my brand new Chevy Vega while parked at the Tikrit Drive-In Cinema and Drafthouse. All of a sudden, Babs jumped up and said she thought she heard something.

Well, I'm busy rounding third base and heading for home plate, so of course I'm going to tell her that I didn't hear anything, so please put your hand back where it was.

No sooner did I start to slide in for the score, that the car began rocking back & forth, up and down, and side to side. Meanwhile, Barbara's screaming at the top of her lungs, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD...." Needless to say I was feeling pretty darn proud of my performance.... Or at least I was until I realized I wasn't the one rocking the car... OR Barbara!

I looked up only to see some hideous apparition with a furry face, big ears, and a great big hump on his back clawing at the windows! Well, I immediately yelled and reached for my gun, but the man-beast galloped off into the night before I could shoot my load.

Er, the load in my gun, I mean.

So a few years later, after I had come to power, I kept hearing the tales about Camelman. The beast continued to terrorize the people in the area between Baghdad, Tikrit, and Fallujah, and my fellow Sunnis were begging me to help. Of course, my aids all thought these people were nuts, and I couldn't let on that I knew the stories were true. Plus, we were at war with Iran, so I couldn't just order my generals to go chasing after some myth. Well, I guess I could have, but then they'd start talking behind my back, and I'd have to launch a purge, and execute dozens of previously loyal underlings. And going into a war, I frankly didn't need the distraction.

So in September of '81 I recruited 18 students from Baghdad's Kadhimya High School to go look for Camelman. Well, except I kind of lied. First time in my life, too. I told them it was part of some sort of science project. I calculated that if they disappeared, then I'd have an excuse to send military units up there to search for them.... And for anything else... "suspicious."

Needless to say, they vanished without a trace.

So I began sending army units into the area. But they, too, would either disappear entirely, or else turn up dead and horribly mutilated.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to fight a frikkin' war with Iran, so my resources were somewhat limited. Yet, I also couldn't just ignore the Camelman problem. If he had been victimizing Kurds or Shiites, I wouldn't have given a crap. But this... "thing" was eating my fellow Sunni Muslims! We were already a minority of the population, so I could ill afford to keep losing supporters. Plus, I shrewdly realized that if I got rid of Camelman once and for all, the people of the "Sunni Triangle" would be forever indebted to me. After all, one never knows when one might need to go into hiding for an extended period of time....

So the last week of October, I decided to go after Camelman myself. Nothing happened the first few nights, but on the 31st, I heard a strange noise outside my tank. I peeked outside, and sure enough, it was HIM!!!

But before I could react, Camelman ripped the main barrel right off the turret and ate it. Hoping for reinforcements, I immediatly started driving towards Fallujah with him right behind me. Then, on the outskirts of the city, the stupid tank ran out of gas! I scrambled out the safety hatch just as he began tearing the turret to shreds. I bravely began lobbing grenades at the creature, but Camelman just ate those as well. I tried firing a few mortar rounds at him, but he was still hungry.

I briefly toyed with the idea of taming Camelman and starting an animal act in Vegas, but that dream disappeared in a puff of reality when the beast devoured my machine gun. It was at this point, seemingly face to face with the instrument of my death, that I vowed to never again be caught without a supply of weapons of mass destruction.

My eyes gaught the gleam of my sword amid the tattered remains of my tank. It had only recently been forged from special steel in Japan by a retired Samurai Master. And for the skeptics among you, I'm actually quite good with a sword. Who do you think taught Uma Thurman her technique in Kill Bill? That's right; it was me! Back when the two of us were dating, of course.

But I digress....

In a bold move, I somersaulted over the creature's head, performing a dramatic slow-motion triple backflip in midair for no discernable reason except that it looked really cool, and landed behind Camelman. He swung at me wildly with his tail, but I deftly avoided it by cartwheeling across the ground. In one smooth move I grabbed my sword, lept to my feet, and ran up the wall of a nearby three story building to the roof. From there. I saw a telephone cable directly over the now thoroughly confused creature's head and jumped. Grabbing the cable with one hand and holding the sword in the other, I sliced through the thick wire like it was butter. I swung down towards Camelman, and blindly swung the blade.

As I landed in a cloud of dust just down the street, I turned just in time to see the beast's head fall to the ground and roll down a storm drain. The rest of the body stood there motionless for a moment, then toppled forward and landed with a dull thud in the dirt.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of Camelman.

Epilogue

Stories persist to this day that the ghost of Camelman appears every Halloween and wanders the streets of Fallujah searching for his missing head. However, in 22 years, there has never been another documented attack by the creature.

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Wonderful news out of the United States! Vice President Cheney's top aid, Lewis Libby, was indicted yesterday on charges of perjury. Libby lied under oath and deliberately tried to mislead investigators who were looking into the leaking of a CIA agent's name. This agent--whose name I won't mention here because I don't want to get myself in trouble... well, more trouble than I'm already in--is married to Joe Wilson. Wilson, you may recall, was the guy who went to Niger to investigate those claims that I had been buying yellow cake uranium. When he decided that the whole thing was a scam, he went public with his doubts, thereby embarrassing the President.

So this whole thing gets down to the trumped up reasons for attacking Iraq, and the efforts by Bush's people to get revenge against anyone who dared question the Administration.

And I'm the one who's on trial!?!? Give me a break!

One would think that a country as powerful as the United States, so quick to impose freedom on the rest of the world, and claiming to be so proud of its military, would treat its soldiers like heroes, right? That would seem perfectly reasonable, wouldn't it?

Well, you would be wrong.

A Michigan woman recently traveled to Indiana to see her husband off to war. Any loving spouse would do the same, since this may well be the last time the two of them ever see each other again. As reward for her own efforts--as well as her husband's sacrifice--Suzette Boler was fired by her employer, some company called Benefit Management Administrators, Inc.

Some benefits package, eh?

The American military death toll has now hit 2000 in Iraq, and President Bush says more are certain to follow. The American people, on the other hand, are becoming increasingly skeptical about Bush's war.

And what does the President have to show for it? Not much. Iraq is in complete disarray, and much of Europe is genuinely worried that the country is turning into the world's newest terrorist breeding ground.

And need I point out that this is happening in a country that did not have terrorists before? A country that had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks? A country that had NONE of its citizens among the 19 hijackers (Indeed, 15 of the 19 were Saudis, and the leader of the plot was an Egyptian)? A country which has now become fragmented and descended to the brink of civil war?

But Bush says that it is better to fight the terrorists here rather than the streets of America. Does that mean that the thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians that have died as a result of the terror attacks here--attacks we didn't have until Bush butted into our internal affairs--are some how less valuable than American citizens?

Um, okay, don't answer that last one.

As it stands now, Bush's policies have only increased anger and resentment throughout the Arab world. Sure, there are thousands terrorists flocking to Iraq to fight. But the only reason they're becoming terrorists in the first place is because there are Americans occupying the country. If it weren't for that, these so-called "terrorists" would still be tending to their goats in Syria or Jordan.

Many of you are probably wondering how the Iraqi people feel about my trial. Well, most are probably torn. On the one hand, most are glad to see that I'm out of power. Yet many of those same people also miss the strict sense of discipline I used to impose upon the country.

It's kind of like a teenager: They claim to hate their parents, and insist they would be better off without them. Yet these same kids also welcome the sense of limits parents impose upon them.... Including the occasional dope slap upside their 15 year old heads.

A perfect case in point is Hassan Alwan Saad, who is the mayor of a small town north of Baghdad:

“He was a great president,” said Saad, 50, as images of Saddam's trial flashed on a small television. “He was a dictator. He did bad things to his people. But he was able to control the whole country. Today, everything is out of control.”

Saad obviously recognizes that sometimes you have to take the bad with the good.

A similar comment came from Raed Mahmoud:

"Iraqis would be more critical of the former regime if life were better today."

Indeed. With all the power outages that now plague the country, one has to wonder just how many people were even able to view my hearing the other day.

A rat on some island near New Zealand evaded capture by scientists for 18 weeks.

So what? I evaded capture by the entire American army for 25 weeks!!!

Er, not that I'm comparing myself to a rat, of course.

Did you see me in court yesterday? I was pretty impressive, wasn't I? Especially when that stupid judge asked me if I was guilty of killing all those people. Well, of course not!!! What an idiotic question!!! What kind of moron would even ask such a thing!?!? Then again, he was a Kurd, which explains a lot.

I started to kick those two guards asses, but then I decided to back off. I didn't want to embarrass them on worldwide TV.

Congratulations to Mohamed ElBaradei and the International Atomic Energy Agency for winning this year's Nobel Peace Prize. I'm sure President Bush was disappointed, not only for failing to get nominated, but for the choice of a final winner as well.

The Bush Administration had long been seeking to have ElBaradei removed from his position. The trouble started back in 2003 during the run-up to the unlawful, illegal, and highly irregular invasion of my peace-loving sovereign nation. Bush and his people kept insisting I had a highly advanced nuclear weapons program, while the IAEA said there was no proof of it. And I think by now, the entire stinkin' world knows who turned out to be right on that little point, eh?

More recently, ElBaradei's agency has been locking horns with Bush over how to best handle the nukes program in Iran. And despite the tremendous amount of international respect that Bush has earned in recent years (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!) ElBaradei has been mostly winning that argument.

Well, I better get to bed. I've got a big day tomorrow.

The U.S. State Department says that my upcoming trial will close a "dark chapter" in the history of Iraq.

What a load of camel crap!!! Until the Americans figure out how to keep the electricity on in Baghdad and the rest of the country, that darkness isn't going anywhere.

Well, voting on the new constitution is continuing. I'm disappointed to report that so far there has been no massive loss of life.

On the other hand, turnout in the Sunni regions appears to be light while in the Shiite areas it is very heavy. This bodes well for continuous political infighting and childish bickering in the future.... Kind of like of like the Democrats and the Republicans in the United states.

I gotta hand it to those nutty insurgents: The day before the big vote on the new, temporary Iraqi constitution (temporary because I plan to make paper airplanes out of it the moment I return to power) they knocked out a major power transmission line leading to Baghdad and plunged the whole city into darkness! It's so bad, in fact, that I'm being forced to post this entry by candlelight!

The outage won't interfere with the voting directly since they are using paper ballots. It does, however, send a major message about the sad state of affairs in the country.

President Bush recently held a much publicized "conversation with U.S. troops" in Iraq. The teleconferenced question and answer session was intended to show the American people that things here are going wonderfully well despite the occasional car bombing that kills a hundred innocent women and children.

Now it turns out that not only was the whole thing staged, but the questions and answers were rehearsed as well.

Quick! Go to Google, type in the word failure, and click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

There's another round of elections coming up this Saturday, and I have been given permission to vote in them. Some people are surprised by this, but they really shouldn't be. After all, it's not like I've been convicted of anything.... Yet.

On the other hand, I'm yet to decide IF I will vote. After all, if my name isn't on the ballot, what's the point? And I'm certainly not inclined to vote for anyone else since that would only give a false claim of legitimacy to this foolish talk of democracy for Iraq.

Most importantly, I'm afraid I might embarrass myself. You see, while I've voted plenty of times in past elections, my name's always been the ONLY one on the ballot. That certainly makes things a lot easier when it comes to determining a winner. And with only one name to pick from, it's not like I have to stand there and make up my mind. But now, with all these different people to pick from, I don't know if I could handle the stress.

On the other hand, by voting I'll get to see who's running. That will give me an idea of who to arrest and torture once I return to power.

Have you seen that video of the New Orleans police officers beating up the unarmed drunk guy? I've watched it over and over several times now, and it's very exciting!! Kind of makes me miss the good old days....

But you know what's not fair? If that same incident had happened here in Iraq back when I running the place, and a videotape of it had gotten out, the entire world would have been all over me like stink on camel crap. The United Nations would have been slapping me with even more damn sanctions, Amnesty International would have been condemning me for human rights violations, and the Americans would be screaming for my removal from power.

Careful what you wish for you, eh?

I have just heard the most revolting tale imaginable. It's about a guy in South Africa, Mark Scott-Crossley, who attacked one of his farmhands with a machete, seriously injuring him. He then tied up the wounded man and threw him into an enclosure filled with lions. The poor soul was torn to pieces and eaten by the wild animals.

And what crime did this poor victim commit, you may ask, that was deserving of such a brutal punishment? Well, supposedly it was because he ran a personal errand while on the clock. But his REAL offense, however, was that he was.... Black.

What is this world coming to, killing a man solely because of the color of his skin? What kind of narrow-minded ignorant bigot would carry out such a heinous, unprovoked crime? Crossley has been sentenced to life in prison, but he's getting off easy. If it had been up to me I would have sentenced him to same punishment he inflicted on the poor black man.

Now if the guy had been a Shiite, well, then Crossley would have deserved a medal.

Last week (Sept. 27, to be exact) I posted an entry about some topless antiwar protesters, and how some people just don't look good doing that sort of thing. Surprisingly, a number of you were offended by that. So the bottom line is that it's okay for me to joke about slaughtering Kurds and Shiites by the thousands, but heaven forbid I should make a derogatory comment about fat women with breasts sagging down almost to their knees.

I'll have to remember that.

Anyway, I bring that up again only because I'm NOT the only one who feels that way....

Nothing gives me more satisfaction than watching all this infighting between the various factions of the current illegal, illegitimate, and highly irregular Iraqi government. That's why this latest piece of good news made me erect a tent pole in my shorts: The country's Kurdish President has called on the Shiite Prime Minister to step down! And the best part is that this major split is taking place a mere two weeks before the country votes on its new constitution.

Life just doesn't get any better than this.

Apparently the two are pissed at one another over some issue important to the Kurds or something. I don't know the details, and I don't care. After all, they're Kurds and Shiites, for crying out loud! The only time I pay attention to those people is when I engage in target practice.

Did you know that the United States controls the internet? Oh, it's true. In fact, the www was started as a project by the Pentagon to tie its computers together. But then the porn industry got a hold of the idea, and the rest is history.

Remember that old Matthew Broderick movie, Wargames? He hacks into some top secret computer and almost starts a nuclear war. Now the plot suddenly all makes sense!! What still does NOT make sense, and never will, is how that little twerp ended up marrying someone as hot as Sarah Jessica Parker....

Anyway, there have been some proposals that control of the computers that control the internet should be turned over to an international body of some sort, such as the European Union or the UN.

Actually, I'm available, too. I'm looking for work. Plus, I'm essentially a man without a country at the moment, so that makes me pretty damn "international." And I can absolutely guarantee you one thing: Give me control over the internet and I will put a stop to all the damn spammers, the phishing schemes, and those stupid Nigerian emails with the bad grammar once and for all.

It's time to face the awful truth: At the moment the United States is running the internet about as effectively as it's running the war in Iraq.

I have made no secret of the fact that I disdain democracy and couldn't care less about public opinion. However, this is one of those rare opportunities where I must make an exception to my own rules. As a world famous despot, I am entitled to do that.

An infidel college professor named Bainbridge is running a poll asking people what's wrong with President Bush. Most people so far are saying he's started drinking again.

If true, that would certainly explain a lot.

Lately there has been much concern that the proposed Iraqi constitution will be used to oppress to women. It is too early to say whether that will be the case, but there are some hopeful signs that women will be held in equal regard to men in the future.

For example, yesterday Iraq had its first female suicide bomber! Now is that a giant leap forward for equal rights, or what?

The incident happened in Tall Afar. If the city's name sounds familiar, that's because there was just a major crackdown on insurgents in the area. The fact that she was able to get through checkpoints and infiltrate a line of police recruits before blowing herself to teeny tiny bits also raises serious questions about what is going on here in Iraq.

For example, what does a female martyr get when she arrives in paradise? Is she still rewarded with the 72 virgins? And if so, are they lesbian virgins? And what exactly is a lesbian virgin anyway? Does that mean she's a lesbian who hasn't been with another woman yet, but it's okay if she's slept with men? And does the martyr take turns with the 72 virgins individually, or do they all, er, "do what lesbians do" all at once, all over the floor?

I find myself wrestling with these profound questions of religious dogma, but my knowledge in these matters is limited to what I've seen on the Playboy Channel. Too bad I don't have any significant meaningful ties to Osama, or I'd ask him.

I appreciate all the anti-war demonstrations in Washington this past weekend. I really and honestly truly do. I can't possibly emphasize enough how grateful I am.

That's what makes it all the more awkward to say what I'm about to say.... And while original forms of protest are certainly to be encouraged, and while no one appreciates a topless woman more than I.... Well, there are sometimes lines that just shouldn't be crossed. And quite frankly, this photo is a perfect illustration of what I mean.

Let me first say that I have no problem with the chick holding the bullhorn. From what I can tell, she's a babe. And the one in the pink pants holding the near end of the banner looks okay, too.

But as for the other two.... Well.... How shall I put this delicately? PUT YOUR TOPS ON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!! You're hideous!!!!! If i woke up one morning next to you, I'd have to gas myself!!!!!

Some things just shouldn't be seen without the benefit of a darkened bedroom.

One of my favorite American political analysts is the brilliant Bill Maher. He recently had the following to say on his HBO show:

America must recall the president.

That's what this country needs. A good, old-fashioned, California-style recall election! Complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular, he must defend his jog against...Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend. You used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service. And the oil company. And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying that there's so many other things that you, as president, could involve yourself in...Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky! I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

Impressive words, indeed.... And I fully expect Mr. Maher will be sharing my cell by the end of the week.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!" He begins to openly weep.

His staff sits stunned at this sudden, unexpected display of emotion. They nervously watch as the President buries his face in his hands. His entire body is wracked by the sobbing.

Finally,Bush looks up. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he asks, "How many zeros is a brazillion?"

What? I've been frozen in carbonite!?!?! How come I'm always the last to know about these things?

Well, so much for America's so-called "freedom of speech." Cindy Sheehan, the mother of an American soldier killed in Iraq, and who has become a vocal critic of the war, was roughed up in New York City when police broke up an antiwar protest in that city. That was a couple of days ago.

Then yesterday her caravan was on its way to the United States Capitol when it was stopped by police in DC, supposedly to be inspected.

I truly admire Sheehan's courage and moral convictions. Of course, if she had tried that crap here back when I was in power, she would have been imprisoned and tortured, but that's besides the point.

President Bush has received a lot of criticism for taking so many vacations. In fact, he was at his ranch in Texas when that big sandstorm named Katrina hit his country. Have you ever wondered what the American President does during all those vacations? So have I, and I recently obtained a copy of an essay by Bush titled What I Did on My Summer Vacation.

I'm guessing he wrote it as a homework assignment for his remedial reading class.

Every now and then the infidels do something so incredibly stupid that I end up laughing until I pee my pants. They just did it again.... And I just did it again as well.

This latest boneheaded move by the occupiers happened down in Basra, which had been relatively calm.... Until now.

It all started a few days ago when Iraqi police arrested two British commandos. The Brits claim they were undercover agents, but the police claim the soldiers shot two officers. And despite British demands, the Iraqis were refusing to release the prisoners.

So what did the British do? They attacked the police station with freakin' tanks and helicopters!!! The assault destroyed a prison wall, and they were able to free their two soldiers.

And here's the best part: 150 other Iraqi prisoners escaped through the breech as well!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

This, of course, raises serious questions about the legitimacy of Iraq's so-called sovereignty. Just how sovereign is a country if the occupying forces won't let them exercise their judicial protocols? This incident is bound to have serious ramifications throughout the entire country, and will likely serve as a great recruiting tool for the insurgency.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my shorts.

Once again the world is witnessing another example of why democracy doesn't work, this time in Germany. Apparently no one won the election!!

Both current Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's Social Democrats and challenger Angela Merkel's conservatives are claiming victory. Each of their parties won 222 seats in their Parliament, which makes it a little tough to figure out who's in charge.

Further complicating the matter is that neither candidate has a brother who is governor of Florida.

So once again we get to see why despotism is a superior form of government: No elections to muddle the question of who's in charge. The only time you have to worry about a change in leadership is if there happens to be a coup. But if you're a smart despot, and carry out periodic purges and mass executions of your opponents, you don't have to worry about that!

A series of bombings and shootings throughout Baghdad have left 200 people dead over the past two days. The terror group Al Qaeda in Iraq (which, incidentally, did NOT exist when I was in power) is claiming the attacks are in retribution for the American crackdown on insurgents in the western part of the country. The terrorists are mostly killing poor, defenseless civilians who merely going about their daily business of trying to find work, or attending mosque, or going to the market, or simply trying to buy the latest copy of The Iraqi Enquirer to see if Brad and Jen are back together.

But according to the Bush Administration, the Iraqi people are better off than they were under me, so I guess the killings are a normal part of becoming a free and open society rooted in the principles of democracy.

I have followed with great interest the developments in the United States with this Katrina thing. First of all, I find it odd the Americans find it necessary to name their hurricanes. What's that about? You never hear about Iraqis naming our sandstorms. Must be some sort of infidel thing.

But specifically, I was most fascinated with this Michael Brown fellow. He was so damn familiar to me, it was driving me nuts! I kept trying to figure out where I knew him from, and then it finally dawned me!! But let me first back up a bit....

Brown was the head of FEMA, which is some sort of collection of bureaucrats whose job it is to get together whenever a major disaster hits the country and sit around with their thumbs up their asses. I can only pray that they used their own thumbs up their own asses. Otherwise.... Well, let's not even think about that.

Brown spoke several times about how everything was completely under control even as CNN showed dead bodies floating by. Then he would say something like "no one predicted the levees would break," even as the newshows were citing various studies over the years that predicted that very thing. Then in several interviews he said he only just then learned of worsening conditions inside the Superdome even though the media had been talking about it for days.

Then it finally dawned on me why I thought I knew him from somewhere: It was like I was watching my Minister of Information, Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf!!!! Remember when Mo denied there were American troops in Baghdad even as they were practically carrying him away from the podium? HAHAHAHA!!!! He was the absolute best at denying the painfully obvious.... Just like Brown.

I received the picture on the right via email. It supposedly appeared on Irish TV. All I can say is that I guess the Irish are firm believers in "truth in labeling."

In other news, insurgents have placed a $200,000 bounty on the heads of top Iraqi leaders. I have no particular objection to this, except that if anyone goes after President Talabani in his office, my desk had better not be damaged. If there is as much as a scratch, it's coming out of someone's reward money.

And Tal Afar, the big offensive against insurgents has been surprisingly quiet.

Well, duh!!

It's like I said a few days ago: If you tell the enemy in advance you're about to launch a surprise attack, they're going to leave! What, you think this is like a surprise birthday party, where the recipient somehow finds out about the party and then pretends to be all shocked when he switches on the lights and everyone jumps out from behind the furniture!?!?!?

I've heard that the Americans have sent National Guardsmen from Louisianna and Mississippi back home to deal with the effects of that hurricane.

Well, that's certainly a start. How many states are there? 50? So with any luck another 48 hurricanes will hit and I'll be off the hook!

Though I suppose it's somewhat unlikely that, say, North Dakota will be hit by a hurricane.

Illegitimate Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, who had better not be putting his feet on my desk, has come out and said that American troops won't be needed in Iraq in another two years. He also says that the only reason they are still needed now is to intimidate the country's neighbors.

My only disagreement with his present assessment of the geopolitical situation in Iraq is the timing. Personally, I don't think the Americans are needed now, so why wait? Besides, aren't they needed in New Orleans to stop the looters?

And Allah knows I never needed any help from the Americans to intimidate Iraq's neighbors when I was in charge!

One of the most time-honored traditions in the annals (that's "annals," not "anals"--there's a subtle but important difference) of military history is that of the "surprise attack." And one of the key aspects of a "surprise attack" is the element of what is commonly known as "surprise." And a key factor of any kind of surprise is not telling the other person (or persons) what is about to happen.

Has anyone bothered to explain this to Donald Rumsfeld? Back in the spring he and his commanders publicized the upcoming attack on Fallujah, which gave the insurgents plenty of time to get out of town. Then they did the same thing with Mosul. Far be it for me to tell the American Secretary of Defense how to do his job, but he probably should NOT be publicizing upcoming military operations.

For example, the Americans are now talking about launching a major offensive against rebels in the town of Tal Afar, which has become a major base of operations for the insurgency. But by talking about it, the Americans are essentially telling the insurgents to move their operations elsewhere before the attack.

Then again, maybe I'm just missing some ingenious new grand strategy on the part of Mr. Rumsfeld. I mean, what do I know? I'm just a deposed dictator.... Whose followers just happen to be giving the world's sole remaining superpower a run for its money.

Yesterday was a busy day for the Americans. They succeeded in freeing a contractor who had been held hostage since last October. Guess I should be polite and congratulations them for an operation well done. I'm guessing the reason it succeeded so well is that Rumsfeld didn't plan it.

Meanwhile, the infidels also spent much of the day bombing insurgent positions near the Syrian border. I'm hoping some innocent civilians were killed because that always looks good on the news, but no such luck so far.

And in Najaf, the Americans handed over control of the city to--GASP!!!--the Iraqi army!

This is how rumors start....

First of all, I did not confess to any crimes or massacres or anything of the sort. I merely, um, "acknowledged" possibly giving strong suggestions to some of my officers by asking if they valued their lives and the lives of their loved one.

Besides, Talabani and I were sitting around during visiting hours and playing a new drinking game. It's called "Huh? What'd He Say?" It's quite fun.

You sit around with your buddies and put on a tape of George Bush talking, making a speech, conducting a press conference, whatever. Whenever he mispronounces a word, you take a drink. If he utters a completely incomprehensible sentence, then you chug the rest of your beer.

Needless to say, the game usually ends pretty quickly.

Anyway, Talabani and I were sitting playing it, and right about the time Bush said "nucular" for the seventh time, we started talking about how annoying those Kurds are. He asked if I had any advice on how to handle them, and I suggested gassing them. "Always worked for me," I said.

And that's the last thing I remember, because then Bush said "There's an old saying in Tennessee--I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee--that says, fool me once, shame on--shame on you. Fool me--you can't get fooled again."

Didn't regain consciousness for three days after that one.

The Americans are finding Iraqi inmates to be quite resourceful. For example, several hundred prisoners dug a 357 foot tunnel in an effort to escape from a prison camp near the Iranian border.

They had worked on the tunnel for almost a year, using five gallon water cans to haul the dirt out, transfer it to their pockets or whatever, then discreetly spread it out over the soccer field. The Americans began to notice things like the soccer field was subtly changing colors, and the wooden floors in one of the buildings appeared to be rising, but they couldn't figure out what was going on.

The plot only became known to the occupiers when some weasel betrayed his fellow imprisoned Iraqis and squealed to their captors.

But here's what puzzles me: The Americans are making the Iraqis who built the tunnel sound like they're evil or something. Yet when Steve McQueen does the exact same thing in some old infidel movie about World War II POW's trying to escape from the Nazis, the Americans are portrayed as heroic, brilliant, and resourceful!

Now if that's not a double standard, I don't know what is.

Memos about the Bush Administration's planned invasion of me and the occupation to follow continue to crawl out of the woodwork. Now one dated Feb.7, 2003 has surfaced, warning of "serious planning gaps for post-conflict public security and humanitarian assistance." This one was written by three officials at the United States State Department, and came at a time the Pentagon was increasingly taking over post-war responsibilities from the State Department.

The memo also warned that "a failure to address short-term public security and humanitarian assistance concerns could result in serious human rights abuses which would undermine an otherwise successful military campaign, and our reputation internationally." Hmmmm.... Would that include things like naked human pyramid building?

It just further illustrates that the American leaders became increasingly cocky after their initial success in Afghanistan, and figured they could do no wrong.

Unfortunately no one informed us, and we screwed up what little planning they did do.

I just heard that they are reopening the Iraqi embassy in Kuwait. This is an absolute outrage!!! First of all, this implies that Kuwait is somehow a separate country, independent of Iraq, which is ridiculous. Everyone knows it's our 19th province.... Or was it ninth? 12th? I forget, but that's not the point.

What is even more upsetting about this is that after we defeated the Americans in the famous 1991 Battle of Kuwait City and voluntarily went back home, those people over there had the audacity to burn our embassy down!!! Then they just flat out refused to pay the bills we sent them. We finally turned the entire matter over to a collection agency, which explains those phone calls the Emir of Kuwait keeps getting at awkward moments.

Have you been following what's going on in America with that hurricane thing? The infidel city of New Orleans has been flooded for two days now, and is rapidly descending into a state of absolute anarchy. Earlier today they even had to suspend evacuation operations when an American military helicopter came under gunfire!!

Isn't that unbelievable? Those damn Iraqi insurgents are everywhere!!

Yesterday, there was a procession of several thousand people commemorating the death of some martyr back in the year 799. We Muslims are big on that sort of thing. Anyway, some mortar rounds went off, there were a couple of small explosions, and rumors of a suicide bomber in their midst spread through the crowd.

As a result, panic broke out among the marchers just as they were crossing a bridge. In the ensuing melee, as many as a thousand people were killed as they plunged into the river below.

Thankfully, the dead were all Shiites.