What a pisser!

I can't believe they're about to hang me. And please, no wisecracks about me being "well hung." I'll come back from the dead and personally kick anyone's ass who makes a joke like that.

What did I do to deserve this? Well, aside from gassing those villages, I mean. Has anyone stopped to consider the fact that once I'm gone, there won't be anyone left to put Iraq back together again? You think Bush is going to do it? HA!! Not a chance.

More importantly, who's going keep George Lucas from making more movies? He ruined the Star Wars franchise with those last three pieces of crap, and now it looks like he's about to do the same with Indiana Jones. So don't come crying to me if Jar-Jar Binks shows up as a Nazi.

Anyway, I'd like to thank all of YOU, my loyal readers. We've had some good times over the last few years, haven't we? Remember the time I snuck out of the country just so I could review King Kong for you? How about my explanation of "irony?" Or my date with Jennifer Lopez? And remember that time I bumped into Don Rumsfeld at the Tikrit Starbucks!?! HAHAHA!!!! Those were fun times, and I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life.... Or the next 30 minutes, whichever comes first.

I know I haven't been posting much these last few months, but I've been busy getting my affairs in order. And don't expect my writing to pick up anytime soon. Being dead tends to stunt one's creativity.

Still, death won't be all bad. At least I won't have to worry about waking up with a hangover New Year's morning.

Goodbye, farewell, and amen.

Iraq in Al Qaeda, or whatever it's called, says that over 4,000 insurgents have been killed since the infidel invasion of 2003.

WOW!!!! That's a lot of virgins!

Americans are constantly complaining about their traffic, especially during the rush hours. The drive takes too long, or there was an accident, or everyone slowed down to watch a guy change his tire, or the sun was in my eyes, or a bird crapped on my hood, or whatever.

Oh, grow up!!! Stop complaining, for crying out loud!!! Do you realize how easy you have it, bird poop not withstanding? I mean, compare what you have to go through with what Iraqis must contend with on a daily basis. For example, here's a great story about 21 commuters on a bus getting shot to death!

Suddenly that fender bender on the interstate seems trivial, doesn't it?

I found this touching tale over at Muslim Refusnik:

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off, the Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a Coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's right shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with a Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's left shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

Well, this is certainly embarrassing. The United States has apparently obtained the outtakes from Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's latest video and, well, he comes across as just a little less than fearsome. For example, he apparently has trouble figuring out how to operate a machine gun until one of his underlings finally shows him. Later one of his underlings grabs the barrel of a machine gun that has just been fired and burns his hand. And in another scene, Zarqawi--who has condemned all things American--is seen wearing a pair of New Balance sneakers.

So yeah, on the surface all that stuff seems embarassing. In fact, an American General held a news conference to point all those things out. And yes, Zarqawi does end up looking like quite an idiot. On the other hand, if he really is such a fool, what does that say about the Americans who can't catch him?

Speaking of videos, here's a fascinating interview with some insurgents who continue to fight on my behalf. I get all misty-eyed whenever I watch it.

Poor Donald Rumsfeld. The American Secretary of Invasions of Peace Loving Nations Who Wouldn't Hurt A Fly was in Atlanta yesterday to deliver a speech when he was heckled by a number of audience members. Among the unamerican protesters who dared exercise their right to free speech was a former CIA analyst named Ray McGovern, who asked this little gem: "Why did you lie to get us into a war that caused these kind of casualties and was not necessary?"

Rumsfeld never did answer the question.

The United States has long said that it will leave Iraq once the Iraqis are properly trained to defend themselves. That may prove to be even more difficult than previously thought.

The Americans are finding that many of the same Iraqis they are training to take over security duties are also fighting for the insurgents. This has led to a breakdown of trust between the two sides.

Guess it's a real bummer when you can't trust your enemies.

A jury in California has awarded $1.7 million to a woman who was spanked on the job.

Jeez.... I guess it's a good thing I gassed those 148 villagers instead of spanking them!

Just when you Americans thought it was safe to stop being paranoid, Osama bin Laden releases another audiotape.

You remember Osama, don't you? He's the guy who planned and carried out the hijackings five years ago that killed 3,000 people. Oh, and let's not forget the London, Paris, and Bali bombings that have occurred since then. Yes, not only is Osama still out there, but he's got access to a freakin' recording studio!!! But that's okay, because I'M in jail on charges of killing my own citizens.

Maybe it's just me, but if I were President of the United States, I probably would have been more concerned with capturing the lunatic who killed the 3,000 Americans than going after some dictator who only kills Iraqis.... And Kuwaitis, but that's besides the point.

Admit it. Sometimes I actually make sense.

You know what Iraq needs? Honesty. And for that reason Hussein Ali Kamal, the deputy interior minister, should be commended for speaking out. He recently said that Iraq was in a "state of undeclared civil war."

Of course, no sooner had he said this that a whole bunch of other government officials stepped forward to say that Ali Kamal was nuts. Then those same people quickly dove for cover.

Bush and Cheney especially continue to insist that everything here in Iraq is going swimmingly well. It's the news media's fault for always reporting bad news, you understand. That's the only reason that average Americans are discouraged by what's happening here.... Yeah, I guess dozens of people dying every day at the hands of suicide bombers is giving people a bad impression.

What has to happen before the Americans finally admit there is a civil war under way? Should someone fire on Fort Sumter?

Remember those trailers that were supposedly my WMD labs? Well, they're back in the news again. You may recall that Bush once declared that "We have found the weapons of mass destruction." The President made that bold statement on May 29, 2003, shortly after the trailers were captured. Top administration officials kept repeating the claim for months afterwards.

The fact that it was wrong is now well known. What has NOT been known until now is that Bush himself knew it to be wrong when he uttered those words!! A Pentagon team had already gone over the trailers and sent their conclusions back to Washington on May 27, two DAYS before the President fibbed to 280 million of his citizens.

So again, could someone please explain to me why I'M the one on trial!?!?