Friday, December 30, 2005

American teenagers have a reputation for being, shall we say, "dumb." Compared to others of the same age around the world, American teens are less proficient in math, ignorant of history, clueless in geography, less knowledgeable of current events, and unable to properly put on a pair of pants without the damn things hanging below their butts. So I suppose it really shouldn't come as a surprise that 16 year old Farris Hassan took it upon himself to not only travel to Iraq, but he did it without telling his parents.

If he were my kid, I'd ground his ass till he's 55.

Anyway, Hassan first went to Kuwait City, then took a cab to the border. That turned out to be sealed because of the upcoming elections in Iraq. So he took the cab back to Kuwait City, then argued with the driver over the fare. Hassan then took a plane to Lebanon, and from there caught a flight to Baghdad. He managed to make his way to the green zone where he was finally intercepted by the American military.

Now you may wonder why on Earth anyone would do something this stupid. Evidently he's taking some sort of course "immersion journalism," in which the writer basically becomes his subject. It's not clear if this includes running the risk of being kidnapped by jihadists and having your head chopped off, but apparently that's how this moron interpreted it.

Sounds like a really stupid course, if you ask me. Maybe he should study intelligent design instead. It would still be stupid, but at least it won't get him killed.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

As it turns out, some good DID come out of the recent elections after all! Remember that fat slob Ahmed Chalabi? You may recall that he is the one person most responsible for convincing the Americans to invade Iraq. Chalabi thought he could then return to Iraq after a 39 year absence and take over as President.

Well, guess what? Chalabi and his party didn't win even a single seat in the new parliament! Is that funny or what!?!? Apparently the Iraqi citizens didn't appreciate him waltzing in here after almost four decades thinking he could start ordering everyone around!

I guess some good can come out of democracy after all.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I have this sudden, inexplicable craving to get advice from you, my beloved readers. This is rather frightening, especially when one considers that most of you--at least judging from the comments and emails I receive--are incapable of forming a coherent sentence. And don't EVEN get me started on your spelling!!! Seriously, Americans' grammar and spelling skills are almost as bad as their science skills. In fact, I'm guessing that the reason so many of them question evolution is that they simply can't spell the word.

Anyway, I have prepared a new poll asking what sort of compensation I should seek from the United States to ease the emotional trauma inflicted upon me by the illegal invasion of Iraq. You can find the new poll in the left hand column of this page. Feel free to vote. It's perfectly safe, unlike in Iraq, where voting can get you blown up.

The city of Samarra has long been one of the roughest places in Iraq. It's populated by nothing more than criminals. Even back when I was in power I couldn't bring law and order to the place. Things got so bad there that I finally just gave up and ordered a bypass to be built around the stupid city so travelers would be safe. It's really no exaggeration to say that Samarra is nothing more than a wretched hive of scum and villainy.... Yes, much like Mos Eisley Spaceport.

The Americans have learned that the hard way. Their occupation of the city has been marked by repeated bombings, slayings of police officers, and kidnappings. Several times now the infidels have tried to return control of the city to the Iraqis. And each time, the attempt has ended in failure. Then the American soldiers would be forced to move back in to restore some semblance of order. Last summer they went as far as to build an eight foot wall around that hellhole in an attempt to keep the insurgents out.

Well, they are poised to return control of the city to local authorities yet again. The concern is that if the city goes to hell again, it will raise questions about the United States' overall plan for Iraq. After all, if they can't restore lasting order to a single city, how can they possibly do it with an entire country.

I wish the Americans well. After all, I've got a big enough mess to clean up around here once I return to power without having to worry about Samarra.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

The American defense minister, Donald Rumsfeld, who I strongly believe has fangs and a forked tail, was in Iraq to serve Christmas dinner to his troops. You'd think he would have stopped by to say hello to me just for old times sake, but he didn't. Rather rude of him, I think.

I'm not entirely sure what this Christmas thing is, but I believe it commemorates the birth of some infidel guy named Jesus some 2000 years ago. Infidels today mark this holy occasion by participating in an orgy of greed, acquisition
Check Spelling, gift giving, and the trampling of the weak and elderly in Wal-Marts.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Well, my trial has been adjourned until January 24 of next year. Hell, at this rate it will be 2017 before it ends.... With my acquittal, of course. And needless to say, I love this judge. He pretty much let's me run the show! Like that stuff about me being tortured by the Americans.... He just let me go on and on about that crap! Those allegations are going to look good in the Arab media.

Did I exaggerate those torture claims? No more than Bush exaggerated the evidence of my weapons of mass destruction. And that's all I'll say about that.

Meanwhile, Rumsfeld has announced that the United States will be withdrawing several thousand soldiers in the coming months. Currently there are about 160,000 of them here, and that number is expected to fall below 138,000 by the end of January.

Well, that's certainly a good start, but it still leaves 138,000 too many.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Well, here's a heavy dose of irony for you: The sissies at today's trial proceedings were complaining about how I used to torture them, or else ordered others to do so. So what? Wasn't American President Bush arguing until recently that the United States should be allowed to torture its prisoners? Why should it be okay for them and not for me? Why do I feel like I'm getting a three foot long, six inch wide dose of double standards shoved up my butt?

And have you heard about how Bush is trying to justify spying on his own citizens? No court order necessary, and no approval by congress. Just his own executive order. In other words, forget the rule of law: The President knows best. Trust him or you'll be branded unpatriotic.

Hmmmm.... Perhaps Bush and I have more in common than I thought!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Vice President Cheney paid a surprise visit to Iraq earlier today, supposedly to see how things were going in general. However, his real reason for coming here was to meet with me to discuss terms of surrender. And all of you are no doubt wondering how that went.

Well, it didn't. I had my secretary tell him that it was rude to show up unannounced like that, especially since I'm such a busy man. Sometimes you just have to show people who's boss!

But between you and me, Cheney scares the hell out of me. You never know what's going on behind that crooked smile of his.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Here's a stunning piece of news: President Bush has accepted responsibility for the invasion of Iraq!!

Well, I'm glad he cleared that up. I thought maybe the Tooth Fairy or one of the seven dwarves was behind it.

For quite a while now Bush has defended his unlawful attack on my peace-loving nation (well, except for the occasional invasion, plunder, and rape of neighboring countries) by pointing out that Congress voted to let him do it. Some critics in Congress, however, have said that they only did so based on the intelligence supplied by the White House, intelligence which may have been "cooked." Bush's people have repeatedly denied this, saying that Congress saw the exact same intelligence that Bush did.

Well, now comes a report that the White House did, in fact, withhold some intelligence reports from Congress.

Okay, so, um, why exactly am I the one on trial?

JibJab has come out with Bush's musical review of 2005. The President is no Springsteen, but he does come close to being a William Hung.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I saw King Kong today, and I have to highly recommend it to all of my stinkin' infidel readers.

Uh, Saddam? How is that possible? Aren't you in prison? Besides, the movie only opened today in the U.S. and New Zealand. How could you have seen it already?

Hey, I have friends in Hollywood. Remember Michael Moore, Alec Baldwin, and that whole bunch? Remember how opposed they were to the war? Well, let's just say I called in a few favors, and thanks to some fortunate timing, I was able to sneak into the wheel well of a C117 transport plane. That's all you need to know. Now shut up and keep reading.

I saw the 1976 version with Jessica Lang shortly after it came out and thought it sucked big time. And as for the original 1933 version, well, I only vaguely remember watching it as a kid on Saturday afternoons in Tikrit on my family's black & white TV. I do recall feeling quite unimpressed by it.

This new version, however, is breathtaking on a number of levels. First of all, the photography is wonderful. I had to close my eyes several times near the end when Kong was at the top of the Empire State Building. Then there's the action, at least once things get rolling. While the first hour or so is a bit on the slow side, the movie REALLY grabs you when they get to Skull Island. And since it's a three hour movie, that will be your last chance to hit the head. After that, you're not going to want to take your eyes off the screen. Finally, the characters are great. You really end up caring about what happens to them.

Kong himself is the product of computer-generated imagery (CGI), yet he is incredibly lifelike. Remember Jar-Jar Binks from Phantom Menace, who was also computer generated? Well, forget him. Kong puts him to shame. The technology of CGI has obviously come a long way in just the last few years.

In fact, that brings up another important difference between (Kong director) Peter Jackson and George Lucas. In the recent Star Wars movies, Lucas used his CGI characters to show off his special effects. But in the end, that's all you really ended up with: A series of pretty pictures. Beyond the wow factor, you really don't give a crap about the people on the screen.

Jackson, on the other hand, is able to use Kong to connect with his audience. You're not just looking at a big ape on that screen, but a creature with real feelings. As a result you identify with him an emotional level. Add to that a terrific performance by Naomi Watts as Ann Darrow, and you're left with one of the most memorable on-screen romances in years. And most importantly, you end up with a real story with real heart. The end result of all this is that by the end of the movie, as Kong makes his last stand on top of the Empire State Building, you find yourself being reduced to tears.

Er, I mean most people would be reduced to tears. Not me, though. I'm too much of a manly man to cry.... Or at least admit to it.

But even before returning to New York--which only constitutes maybe 30 minutes at the end--there are a number of memorable scenes. One in particular was the fight between Kong and a trio of T-Rexes. It puts to shame anything the World Wrestling Federation has ever come up with. Another wonderful scene is after the fight when Kong takes Darrow back to his lair and they watch the sunrise.

Then there's the ice skating scene. Yes, Kong goes ice skating in Central Park after he makes his big escape and is reunited with Darrow. Not only is the sequence amusing, it's genuinely touching.

Of course, it's also too good to last. The American military soon shows up and everything quickly goes to hell. How typical is that? I guess some things never change, eh?

Of course, we all know how it will end. And as Kong slowly slips off the top of the Empire State Building while Darrow caresses his paw, I was reminded of the final goodbye between Jack and Rose in Titanic.... Especially when Kong says "Grow old, Ann, and make lots of babies."

Needless to say, that was somewhat unexpected.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Have you been following the things that have been coming out of the mouth of the new Iranian president? The guy's great!! After he gets out of politics, he should consider a career in standup comedy.

For example, last week he suggested that Israel should be transferred to Europe. Now he was a little sparse on the details, so I'm not sure how that would work. Do you use blowtorches along the border to detach Israel from the rest of the Middle East, then have a series of tugboats tow the entire country across the Mediterranean?

Now he's denying that the holocaust even happened. I love that! I guess Auschwitz is just a cleverly constructed stage prop. Oh, and those old black & white films of starving Jews being liberated from the death camps? Probably concocted by Spielberg with special effects. I mean, have you seen the new King Kong? It's amazing what they can do on film nowadays!

Of course, I hope Israel doesn't go anywhere. The reality is that having a Jewish state in the Mideast is a good thing. It gives us Arab dictators something to bitch and moan about, and to use to fire up the masses! If we leaders didn't have Israel to blame for everything, our citizens might figure out that they live in absolute squalor and start blaming us for their problems!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Iraq will be holding elections in a couple days, and early voting is already being allowed for people living with a broad. It's also being permitted for Iraqi citizens residing in other countries.

Election officials say they are pleased with how smoothly it's going so far. Well, of course it is. It's the people living in places OTHER than Iraq that are voting at this point! Just wait till Thursday when voting starts here, and the wackos start blowing themselves up. Then we'll see how smoothly things are going.

By the way, where's MY ballot? I certainly wouldn't want to be deprived of my democratic rights.

The guy who is likely to end up as Iraq's next illegitimate Prime Minister has come up with an interesting idea: Let Iraq become a loose alliance of semi-autonomous regions. He says that is best way to end the fighting between the Sunnis, Kurds, and Shiites.

Interesting idea, but not one I would ever allow. While I agree there are differences between the various ethnic groups in the country, breaking up Iraq into some sort of loose alliances is NOT an answer.

The solution to ending the violence and bringing peace to Iraq is quite simple: Kill all the Shiites and Kurds. Yeah, yeah. I know some of you are horrified that I would say something like that, and there's only one thing I have to say to you: You're a bunch of sissies.

If you think about, my idea is absolutely brilliant. I mean, if there's no one left alive, then you have peace, right? The logic is irrefutable. Man, I deserve a Nobel Prize for this one.

Of course, since I no longer have any weapons of mass destruction, it will be a lot tougher to accomplish this admirable goal.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Here's an article that says I'm casting a "long shadow" over the upcoming elections.

If you think that shadow is long now, just wait till I take my pants off!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

The key to a nation's foreign policy is spelling and proofreading. Failures in those areas can lead to all sorts of embarrassing mistakes, bad decisions, and even cases of mistaken identity.

For example, you would never want to confuse "Australia" with "Austria." Let's say there's some sort of important summit conference in Sydney. You certainly wouldn't want to fly to Austria for that, now would you? No, of course not, because then all the other world leaders would point and laugh when you finally did show up for the meeting in Australia.

Likewise, you don't want to get screwed up trying to tell the difference between Iraq and Iran. Doing that could lead one to do something incredibly stupid such as, oh, invading the wrong freaking country.

I bring this up only because there currently over 120,000 foreign troops occupying Iraq while Iran is announcing that it is about to restart its production of nuclear fuel.

The Bush administration has rejected fresh calls by the International Red Cross for full access to all detainees. This comes just as American Secretary of State Condi Rice was finishing up her trip to Europe in which she tried to justify the use of those secret prison camps.

It also comes just a week after the fascinating case of Khaled Masri became public. He's the German citizen who was kidnapped by the CIA, held prisoner, and tortured (allegedly). The authorities eventually figured out they had the wrong guy, and that Masri was completely innocent. The Americans, after realizing their screw up, debated what to do with him. In an attempt to cover up their mistake, the ended up dumping the poor SOB on some back road in frikkin' Albania.

You know, if I had pulled that kind of crap the entire world would have been in an uproar, and I would have been hit with all kinds of sanctions and condemnations.

Friday, December 09, 2005

A suicide bomber blew himself up on a bus bound for Nasiriyah, killing 32 people. This is absolutely outrageous!! Suicide bombers on buses now!?! Where the hell do they think they are? Israel?

What's that? Most of the victims were Shiites? Oh.... Well, never mind then.

This trial--er, I mean "unjust court"--is obviously being run by the infidels. They're the ones guarding me and escorting me to the courtroom. I'm wearing an American tailored suit (from JC Penney, by the way). Oh, and Ramsey Clark, a former United States Attorney General, is on my defense team. So heck, why not throw in an American judge, too? This guy would be perfect.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Why is everyone surprised I didn't show up for today's unjust court proceedings? I said yesterday I was going to boycott today's session, didn't I? Did people think I was bluffing? I never, ever bluff.... Well, except when it comes to pretending I have vast stores of weapons of mass destruction.

So I'm just going to sit around my cell today watching DVD's on this little 7" portable player. Ah, I hear many of you screaming about how outrageous that is!! "Saddam is holding up justice for millions of tortured Iraqi citizens while he watches movies on a little DVD player!!" Now calm down before you pop a vein in your forehead.

The thing is, I wholeheartedly agree with you!! It really is unbelievable, isn't it? I deserve one of those 42" plasma HDTV's!! Not a projection unit, however. Those take up too much room. But one of the smaller ones that will hang on a wall of my cell would be nice. Right across from the metal toilet so I have a place to sit would be perfect. Oh, and let's not forget the surround sound system. One of those little Bose systems would be perfect given the limited amount of space I have to work with.

In fact, the next time I throw a hissy fit in the courtroom about this stupid trial, and not being able to shower on a daily basis, and not having a change of clothes, I think I'll throw in the demand for the TV.... I'll even hold out for a Sony. They're the best. None of that Samsung crap for me.

Some of you are bothered by my repeated outbursts in court, and wonder if it's hurting my chances. Well, while I certainly appreciate your concerns, I would like to assure you that it's all part of my well-crafted legal strategy.

You see, while my attorneys quibble over the fine points of various legal technicalities, my demeanor is aimed squarely at my many supporters. They find it reassuring to see that while I may be imprisoned, shackled, reduced to asking for permission to go to the bathroom, and forced to engage in naked human pyramid building, I'm also still very much in charge of Iraq.

Hey, if Bush can be delusional, why can't I?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Why do people seem surprised that I am being so "defiant" at my trial? Well, what do they expect? Should I just roll over and play dead? Cry like a baby? Whimper a lot? Beg for mercy?

I can assure you none of that will happen.

Need I point out once again that the whole reason I was invaded was to find those weapons of mass destruction. And once it became apparent I didn't have any, didn't that render the invasion illegal? In the United States when someone is arrested for possessing cocaine, then is later found to not have any drugs, is he not released? Of course he is!! The authorities don't go digging into his background, and then charge him for hiding in the cheerleaders' lockeroom back in high school!

So then why am I being tried for a massacre that happened in 1991? That's not what the invasion was about.

Changing the rules halfway through a game hardly seems fair. After all, if the Chicago Bears are playing the Miami Dolphins in a football game, you never see the referee suddenly stop everything halfway through the third quarter, hand everyone a bat, and announce that the rest of the game will be played as baseball! But if that ever did happen, don't you think the coaches of each team would be just a bit "defiant?" Of course they would be! And the referee would be locked up for being a nutcase!!!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Well, it's back to court for me in a few hours. And quite frankly, I'm getting worried. Word is that a Sunni group was planning to launch a rocket attack against the building where my trial is being held. Now I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I certainly appreciate the gesture, but I would certainly hope those idiots were planning to blow the place up while I wasn't actually in there!!!

Besides, I'm sure it would be terribly embarrassing to the present illegal Iraqi government if I got killed before they have a chance to execute me.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Friday, December 02, 2005

I try to keep up with the news the best I can, and one of the ways I do that is to read Iraqi newspapers. There's a lot more of them since this freedom of the press crap has taken hold around here. But don't worry: Once I return to power, I'll personally cure them of that disease.

One thing I have wondered about, though, is why so many of them have been running pro American stories. It's very disturbing, and it's been very distracting during my training for the upcoming intraprison naked human pyramid building championships.

But now it seems we've solved that little mystery: Apparently the U.S. military has been paying local newspapers to print articles favorable to the Americans!

This really shouldn't surprise anyone. As I recall, several cases have surfaced over the last few years where Bush Administration officials were paying off American journalists. First, there was columnist Maggie Gallagher, who was paid to defend Bush's plan to encourage marriage as a way of strengthening families.

Then over in the Agriculture Department, government officials paid a guy to write articles for hunting & fishing magazines praising the department's conservation efforts.

Finally, there was also the case of columnist Armstrong Williams, who was paid by the Department of Education to write favorably about some Bush backed initiatives.

And Bush says this story about Iraqis journalists being paid off threatens to undermine the credibility of the United States?!? HA!!!

One has to have credibility to begin with before it can be undermined.

November saw a substantial reduction in the number of suicide bombings in Iraq.

This shouldn't surprise anyone. With all the other career opportunities out there nowadays, it's hard to keep experienced suicide bombers interested in what's essentially a dead end job.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The White House has released a 35 page document called the "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq."

Well, that certainly sounds like a good idea, but shouldn't someone have thought of that BEFORE the invasion?

Some scientist in Scotland, which is a country filled with infidels north of England, has discovered the fossilized tracks of a huge scorpion which lived 330 million years ago. One has to wonder what this insect's reaction would have been if he had known that not only would someone hundreds of millions of years in the future discover his footprints, but that a guy Saddam would end up blogging about it.

Anyway, the creature is estimated to have measured five feet--almost two meters--in length. That makes it almost a foot longer than the scorpions we have here in Iraq in the present.