Friday, April 30, 2004

Unfortuantely I was unable to trace who came up with this, but someone is selling a tee shirt that I think all of you should wear the next time you visit the White House. I'm sure the President will get quite a chuckle out of it.... he orders your sorry infidel butt shipped off to Guantanamo Bay.

The TV network CBS has aired photos that supposedly show Iraqi prisoners being abused by American soldiers.

If true, this is an absolute outrage!!! Everyone knows I'm the only one who gets to abuse Iraqi prisoners!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Today was my birthday, and I'm sure all of you celebrated. From what I understand, the people of Fallujah especially were having a real "blast."

I do need to clear up some confusion, however: Many news reports have me turning 67, but they are erroneous. I'm actually only 39..... And have been for the last 28 years.

While I have certainly been enjoying my time here in prison, it has not been without its difficulties. Indeed, sometimes conditions can be downright harsh. For example, I have already complained to the the Red Cross about the lack of a DVD and big screen plasma TV. I have been assured that a home, er, "cellblock" entertainment system is on the way. And when it finally arrives, it better not be a piece of crap low budget thing from the local Costco. I want--and deserve--a top of the line Sony or Harmon Kardon.

But on the positive side, I do have medical coverage now. This is important, since my right knee has been bothering me lately. Nothing too serious, though. Just an old war injury I aggravated the last time the Dixie Chicks paid me a conjugal visit. And quite frankly, all this climbing up and down through the ceiling tiles isn't helping either.

The problem, however, is that I have to fork over a $15.00 copayment every time I see the doctor..... And why is it that they're all foreigners now?

Fifteen bucks may not seem like a lot, but when one doesn't have a steady source of income, it can be a problem.

That's why I've decided to take a job in the prison bakery.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

A woman in Florida tried to escape from jail by climbing up through the ceiling of her cell.

Hmmmm..... I wonder if she got the idea from me?

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Saturday, April 24, 2004

I see that my former Minister of Irony, Alanis Morissette, is back in the news. She appeared at a Canadian concert wearing nothing but an anatomically correct bodysuit. She did this to protest America's strict censorship crackdown in wake of the Janet Jackson breast incident.

Why she chose to do this in Canada is beyond me, however. I always thought that Canada and the United States were two separate countries, with two separate sets of laws, but perhaps I was mistaken.

Now some of you may wonder why I even need a "Minister of Irony." Well, the English language and its various concepts is very difficult to learn, especially for someone like me who grew up in a frikkin' desert. Indeed, I have almost as much trouble mastering English as George Bush does.

So I hired Alanis to help learn not only the language, but also the uniquely American idea of "irony." And I think I'm slowly getting the hang of it.

For example, I used to foolishly think that finding only forks when what you're really looking is a stupid spoon was merely indicative of a poorly organized silverware drawer. Little did I realize that's it is actually a prime example of irony!! By the way, let me give you a little tip: If you ever have Yasser Arafat over for dinner, count your silverware afterwards. That fat weasel loves stealing those little shrimp forks for some reason.

Or rain on your wedding day? Just bad luck and a good excuse to go out and slaughter some innocent weather forecasters, right? No, not at all!! It's actually irony!!

And you might think that invading a sovereign nation because it is supposedly full of weapons of mass destruction--and then not finding a single one--is indicative of faulty intelligence, wouldn't you? No, you silly, stupid, foolish infidel! It's actually irony!!!!

Those are her real nipples, by the way.

Friday, April 23, 2004

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Thursday, April 22, 2004

And the good news just keeps coming....

The marines surrounding Fallujah have given the loyalists a deadline to surrender, though they are rather vague about exactly how long they have. Then the marines will launch an assault on the city.

Needless to say, when this attack comes it will be quite bloody and gruesome, providing plenty of wonderful footage for Al-Jazeera to air, thus pissing off the Arab world even more.

And the beauty of my plan is that I don't even have to lift a finger while I sit in my air conditioned jail cell!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

I have to be more careful. My captors almost caught me in the General's office earlier this evening.

What happened was that I was reading an excerpt from that Bob Woodward book and I started laughing so hard, I fell out of the chair. The resulting commotion sent guards running down the hall to see what was going on. Fortunately I was able to elude capture by hiding under the desk, kind of like Monica used to do whenever she visited President Clinton in the Oval Office. Except, well, there was no one sitting in the chair this time.

The part that got to me was the description of a party at the Vice President's house a few days after the so-called "fall of Baghdad." Dick "I'm a Scary Psycho" Cheney, Paul "Half-Wit" Wolfowitz, and some others were laughing about how easily the war had gone, and how very wrong the Bush Administration's critics had been. They even went on to mock Colin Powell, who had been against the invasion in the early days of its planning.

I'm guessing they're not laughing any more.

The other item from the Woodward book that's beginning to raise a stink is the $700 million that was intended for the Afghan war but was diverted to fund early planning for my invasion. That's a big no-no under that pesky Constitution thing the United States has, and some Senators are none too happy about it.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

In the past two days, both Spain and Honduras have announced they are withdrawing their troops from my country. Now comes word that the President of Thailand says he will withdraw his troops if they are attacked. Where did these guys learn how to run an army? France?

At any rate, thanks for letting us know how you feel on the matter. We'll take that as an open invitation to aim in your direction.

A lawyer arguing on behalf of inmates held there is calling Guantanomo Bay a "lawless enclave."

Hmmm.... Sounds a lot like Iraq at the moment.

Monday, April 19, 2004

----------Chris Britt, State Journal Register

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Donald Rumsfeld has finally figured out that he underestimated the level of violence in Iraq. Duh, you think? Still, he's defending his decision to send fewer troops than some other experts recommended.

Well, okay, but that's like deciding to go down a dark alley by yourself rather than with twenty heavily armed beefy guys.

----------George Danby, Bangor Daily News

Saturday, April 17, 2004

A couple of days ago I compared Bush's decision to "stay the course" to Captain Smith's handling of the Titanic. Now it turns out that the analogy may not end there.

You remember that scene where the ship is about to break into two, with rivets popping and cables snapping? Again, that's kind of what's happening with the White House. All the different memos and other bits of information emerging about the missed 9-11 warnings are like rivets popping and ricocheting all over the place. And as each one goes, the ship of state draws closer and closer to slipping under the waves.

Now comes a breaking story may just snap the hull of the Bush Presidency in two. Bob Woodward of the Washington Post has written a book called "Plan of Attack." The book reveals that Bush began planning the invasion of my peaceful nation of sweet innocent goat herders in November of 2001 even as the war in Afghanistan was at its height!

Some of you may not see a problem with that, and that's okay. Please send me your home addresses so I can personally come visit you and we can discuss the matter as civilized human beings. Then I'll hook your testicles up to electrodes and zap your family jewels with several thousand volts of electricity to further emphasize my points.

The problem arises because Bush took 700 million dollars earmarked for the Afghanistan fighting and diverted it to begin planning for the invasion of Iraq. My understanding is that since he did this without getting the approval of congress--or even telling them--Bush broke the law.

So let me get this straight: It's okay for Bush to take almost a billion dollars and spend it on his personal hobbies, like invading countries that are minding their own business. But when I do it, it's called looting my nation's treasury?

I just pray to Allah that Jack and Rose make it off the ship this time.

Friday, April 16, 2004

----------Mike Ramirez, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Thursday, April 15, 2004

President Bush said several times during his press conference that the United States "will stay the course."

Wasn't "staying the course" what got the Titanic into trouble?

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

By now I'm sure all of you realize that I'm a mass-murdering ruthless evil tyrant who has absolutely no regard for human life, and that I'm quite good at it.... Provided, of course, I don't get interrupted by an inconsiderate infidel invasion.

But how many of you are also aware of my musical talents? And I'm quite good, if I might say so myself. If this return to power thing doesn't work out, I may just go to Vegas and do nightly shows. Hell, if Celine Dionne can do it, I'm sure I can! (Thanks to Daniella for the link).

And while I can belt out a tune like there's no tomorrow, I don't have Bush's sense of rhythm. Then again, who does?

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Press-Gazette

Well, I don't know about you, but personally I was somewhat disappointed in President Bush's speech. I thought for sure he would issue an formal apology and offer a reasonable out of court settlement.

Still, I was quite flattered when he called me an evil tyrant. It's nice to be appreciated.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I understand that President Bush will be holding a press conference tonight. Well, United States time, it's tonight. For me, it will be like four or five in the morning because I'm actually writing this from here in Baghdad. Or maybe it's Qatar. Actually, I'm not too sure where I am, except that I do occasionally see camels walking by my cell window.

So I suppose I could also be at the San Diego zoo.

At any rate, it will be interesting to hear what Bush has to say. If he strikes an apologetic tone, perhaps I'll be lenient in my terms of surrender. But he's going to have to help clean up the mess he's created in my country, so he'll need to have a mop & bucket handy. And LOTS of Mr. Clean, preferably with the lemon fresh scent.

I remember years ago I once held a press conference. Some of the questions posed by the assembled journalists were quite difficult and even rude. So right after their funerals, I held a second press conference, and this time the reporters were much more polite and respectful.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Monday, April 12, 2004

It was a pretty exciting finish to the Masters Tournament yesterday. Phil Mickelson finally won his first major after years of trying. I mention this only because I've always identified with the underdog who triumphs against seemingly insurmountable odds.... If you catch my drift.

I used to play golf years ago but gave it up. Too many damn sandtraps around here, but I suppose that's to be expected when you live in the middle of a frikkin' desert.

Plus I kept running out of caddies.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

----------Vince O'Farrell, Illawarra Mercury (Australia)

Saturday, April 10, 2004

The good news just keeps coming and coming. Now the so-called "Iraqi Governing Council," which is composed of exiles who haven't lived in Iraq for at least 40 years, is starting to distance itself from the American crackdown on Fallujah. Two members are even threatening to quit!

Well, good! Anytime the US decides it needs someone to restore order, they know where to find me. And just as soon as the parades welcoming me back to the Sunni triangle are over, I'll personally go down to Najaf and thank Moqtada Al-Sadr, or whatever the hell his name is. Then I'll gas the Shiites for old times sakes.

Yeah, yeah. I know some of you wimps are recoiling in horror at that, but really, it's the only way to keep those people in line. Trust me. I know the Shiites, and the only thing they understand is a swift gaseous kick in the lungs.

And the world really shouldn't be surprised by the fierce resistance in Fallujah. It's citizens remain fervently loyal to me, for they haven't forgotten the time I saved them from Camelman.

Speaking of the Governing Council, I added a new poll earlier in the week. It's to the left. And please keep in mind that my polls are intended purely for your amusement, because I honestly don't give a jackal's ass what you think.

Have a nice day.

Friday, April 09, 2004

Don't you miss Bill Clinton's presidency, when the finer nuances of language were used to coverup sexual dalliances?

----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Condoleeza Rice has told the 9-11 commision that President Bush "fully understood" the threat posed by Al Qaeda.

Oh, I'm sure he did! Every bit as well as he understood how many troops it would take to occupy Iraq, or the potential dangers posed by renegade pretzels.

Do you remember what General Eric K. Shinseki said over a year ago? He predicted that several hundred thousand soldiers would be needed in order to effectively occupy my country. His estimates were immediately pooh-poohed by Deputy Secretary of Infidel Invasions Paul Wolfowitz.

That's what happens when you put civilians, who think they're smarter than the generals, in charge of the military.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

I never thought I would see the day that the Sunnis and the Shiites would work side by side towards a common goal. Normally we're too busy trying to kill one another to worry about anything else.

So I am positively overcome by joy to see these longtime rivals in Islam working together to expel the infidel invaders. Excuse me while I blow my nose......

They don't allow me access to Kleenexes, so I guess I'll just wipe my hands on my pants.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I've made the observation on previous occasions that the Bush Administration is finding itself between Iraq and a hard place, but now things have become downright ridiculous. No matter what they do now, the Americans are royally screwed.

They have already said they plan to arrest Al-Sadr. That will only result in more bloodshed on both sides. And if that wacky Shiite cleric is killed in the process, he will only become a martyr to his followers, and further enrage the Shiites.

On the other hand, if the Americans decide not to try to capture him, they will appear to be weak and indecisive. And when it comes to dealing with the Arab world, that's the absolute worst thing you can do.

Well, okay, actually it's the second worst thing you can do. The only thing worse is trying to bring democracy to the Middle East.

But you'd have to be a total moron to try something that stupid!!!

I was watching the news earlier and saw scenes of burning cars, mobs running through the streets, smashed storefronts, overturned cars in flames, and bodies laying every where. I couldn't figure out if I what I was seeing was in Fallujah or Najaf.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be UConn fans celebrating in Connecticut!

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

A newcomer (And I know he's a newcomer because he dared question me) by the name of Tewar writes: hmmmmm... Well, dear sir, are you sure about gassing Shiites? Wasn't it the annoying Kurds that got your attention first, and you showed them your love by gassing 'em ? Just wondering ...

Look, I've gassed a lot of people in my time, and I can't possibly be expected to keep track of every last ethnic group I've tried to eradicate. Nor do I keep score on who got gassed first or second or last or most often or in a particular year. Precise record keeping in such matters can only serve to get you in trouble further down the road when the world's crybabies start whining about ethnic cleansing, genocide, and other such nonsense. I mean, look at Slobodan Milosovich, or whatever the hell his name is. His ass is rotting in a jail cell at the moment.

Well, okay, so is mine. But that's NOT my point. My point is that keeping score of who got gassed ahead of who is unnecessary.

Or is it "whom got gassed ahead of whom?" English is so frikkin' complicated, it's ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the differences between "effect" and "affect."


----------Marshall Ramsey, The Clarion Ledger

Monday, April 05, 2004

Oh my.... Things are about to get even more interesting here in Iraq. A judge has just issued a warrant for the arrest of Muqtada Sadr, the Shiite cleric who has been stirring up trouble in the south. Can you imagine what's going to happen when they actually try to take him into custody?

Thank Allah I'm here in prison where it's safe!!

----------Walt Handelsman, New York Newsday

Uh-oh. The Shiites are revolting. Hell, that's nothing new. I've long found the Shiites revolting. That's why I kept gassing 'em! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I mean, for the entire time I was in power--I mean, ever since I came to power (technically, I AM still the President of Iraq, and anytime President Bush decides he's ready to negotiate his terms of surrender, I'm ready to listen) I've had it in for the Shiites. I've slaughtered them by the thousands, over and over, throughout my rule. I've oppressed them, gassed them, imprisoned them, and made their loved ones disappear.

And you know why?

Because even I need a hobby, and I just couldn't get into model trains.

It's those damn Shiite clerics, you know. They're all a bunch of whackos. And the sad thing is, whatever they say, their followers will immediately believe them without question.

It's kind of like Rush Limbaugh and his followers.

But my point is that the Shiites should be thankful to the Americans. Instead, they're clamoring for the Americans to hurry up and get out of Iraq.

Well, at least the Americans have finally gotten the Sunnis and the Shiites to agree on something!!

Saturday, April 03, 2004

It's awfully nice of Colin Powell to finally admit that his information on those "mobile weapons labs" may have been wrong.

Gee, you think so, Colin?

If I might be so bold, I think it's time for him to come out and say what everyone else already knows: That the invasion itself was wrong!!!

I mean, let's face facts here: There are no facts, and there never were!! Oh, there were plenty of baseless allegations, but no actual facts!!!

This whole Iraq thing is the equivalent of say going into a doctor's office and complaining of headaches, seizures, and uncontrolled bowel movements. Then they x-ray your noggin. Then upon examination of the picture, which clearly shows the presence of a massive tumor pressing on your brain stem, they diagnose allergies to camel dander and amputate your leg.

Think about how you would feel if an incompetent medical team did all of the above to you, and maybe you'll begin to get an understanding of how I feel. That's why I'm going to hire myself one of those lawyers that are always advertising on TVl. I mean, those guys must be good if they're advertising on the boob tube, right?

Then I'm going to sue the Bush Administration for malpractice.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Thursday, April 01, 2004

I certainly enjoy my little interrogation sessions with my captors. It's kind of like engaging in a battle of wits with an unarmed man!

This morning, for example, I summoned the guard and told him I had had enough, and I was ready to talk. So he scurried off to summon his superiors, and eventually I was escorted to the little room where they ask all the questions.

Two CIA flunkies appeared and asked what I wanted. I told them I was prepared to cooperate, and they eagerly sat down with their notebooks and tape recorders.

I began by giving them the exact locations of my weapons of mass destruction, right down to the minutes and seconds of longitude and latitude. They carefully jotted the information down.

Then I began giving them the names of the leaders of the anti-American insurgents, as well as their home addresses. Then they summoned a general of some kind or another and passed that information on to him.

Next I admitted to having ties with Al Qaeda, and gave them the precise location of bin Laden's cave. They quickly gave that information to some special forces people.

I told them I still had billions of plundered dollars in Swiss bank accounts, and I gave them the account numbers and passwords to those.

At my request they put Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz on the speakerphone and formally apologized to them for being such a bad man. They graciously accepted my words of remorse.

By now it was early evening, and after some six or seven hours of my spilling my guts, they got ready to escort me back to my cell. Then I said, "Oh, just one more thing...."

"What's that?" asked one of the CIA guys.

And I smiled and said "APRIL FOOL!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"