Wednesday, June 30, 2004

---------------Walt Handelsman, NY Newsday

You know what today was, don't you? It was June 30, the day the Americans were supposed to handover sovereignty to the newly installed "alleged" government.

You know what's truly sad about this? The occupiers think they were pretty clever with their decision to handover Iraqi sovereignty two days early. And they even freely admit they did it to foil the terrorists.


There's nothing clever about it. In fact, it's an act of complete desperation, and an open admission that they have no control over the country. There's even a medical term for it: Premature Iraqi Nation.

It's a highly embarrassing condition, and certainly nothing to brag about.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

What the hell...? One minute I'm in the custody of the United States, and next I'm in the custody of the alleged Iraqi government! And no one even bothered to ask for my input on this decision! In fact, no one seems to give a rat's ass what I think!! They just ignore me, like I don't even exist, or just some piece of furniture to pass around between owners.

Kinda makes me feel like a woman.

My good buddy Michael Moore has truly outdone himself this time. His Fahrenheit 911 has broken a number of box office records, and already become the highest grossing general release documentary in the history of infidel movies.

Additionally, it also had the highest ever opening totals for a movie released to fewer than 1000 screens, and the third highest per screen gross of any movie this year. The only two that did better were Passion of the Christ and Shrek 2. Then again, I suppose it would have bordered on blasphemy if he had beaten out the infidel's lord and savior.... Not to mention that green cartoon guy.

Needless to say, I am ecstatic that so many Americans have been flocking to see this woeful tale of how I was the defenseless target of scurrilous falsehoods!! In fact, I'm so happy that I would love to give Michael a great big completely non-sexual manly hug!!! Of course, that's out of the question. He has the girth of a pregnant camel, and there's just no way my arms could ever reach around him.

And the movie is certainly stirring up emotions! I heard that in New York, a crowd of Bush bashers leaving Fahrenheit 911 ran into a crowd of Clinton bashers protesting outside a bookstore. Tempers flared, words were exchanged, and fists flew. And you'll never guess who won!

Ralph Nader!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! I'm pretty funny for a bloodthirsty despot, aren't I? And I say that only because I know you're laughing so hard that you fell out of your chair and knocked over your printer stand on the way down.

Otherwise, if you're NOT laughing, I'll just have to come over there and shoot you.

Monday, June 28, 2004

SEE!?! SEE!?! I told you the "handover" of sovereignty wouldn't occur on June 30!!!

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Even though the handover actually occurred much earlier today, I only learned about it a few minutes ago. You see, I had been reading this absolutely fascinating book that I just couldn't put down!! It's an intriguing tale of love and devotion, and once you start it, it will so grab your interest that you'll be completely oblivious to what's going on around you. Perhaps you've heard of it? The title is My Pet Goat.

I hear it's one of President Bush's favorites!

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Congratulations to my good friend, filmmaker Michael Moore. His movie Fahrenheit 911 has finally opened in the United States despite much opposition from the Bush Administration. Did you know that some groups were threatening to boycott any theaters that dared show the movie? I don't quite understand how they could do that, but then again, I guess I'm just not familiar with the intricacies of that "Freedom of the Press" thing.

Anyway, I urge all of you to go see the movie and learn the truth. Plus, if enough of you buy tickets, maybe Michael will finally be able to afford a new baseball cap.

Take a good look at this picture.

Impressive, isn't it? That poor truck has been reduced to a flaming hulk. It has been hit with grenades, roadside bombs, and land mines. It's been shot all to hell. Much of the trailer has already burned completely away. The tires have been reduced to bubbling puddles of molten rubber, and the glass is long gone. Not only is the poor truck a total loss, it is a total loss several times over!!! This pathetic truck is so far gone that there is absolutely nothing that anyone on Earth could possibly do that would damage it any further than it already has been.

Yet there's still a guy out there throwing rocks at it! ROCKS!!!!!! Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is dedication!

I just hope he doesn't scratch the paint job.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

A new study suggests that human breast milk contains a compound which cures warts.

Hmmm.... No wonder I have such fine skin.

---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

The Pentagon is denying allegations that I'm being abused.

Don't listen to their lies!!! Conditions in here are terrible. Oh, I don't mind them pointing at my genitals; in fact that makes me feel quite special. But my actual living conditions are awful. For example, my toilet seat is plastic! Can you believe that?!?

I have told the International Red Cross that I deserve a solid gold seat, but I'm willing to settle for brass if the United States can't afford gold. After all, this occupation is costing them billions every month. So far my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

And I still don't have a DVD player with a matching flatscreen HDTV monitor in my cell. Every now and then the guards will wheel a mono VHS player up to my celldoor, but that's about it.

My conjugal visits are severely limited, almost to the limits of human endurance. I mean, I'm sorry if I'm being overly demanding here, but once a day just is not going to cut it.

Oh, and then there's the issue of internet access. The Americans refuse to let me have a computer because they're afraid I might make fun of Rumsfeld.

Nonsense!!! I would never ever do such a thing!! In fact, I am in total awe of his intellect, which is quite impressive for a retard. After all, Rummy is the principle architect of the brilliantly executed postwar occupation of Iraq.

Oh, and did I mention that the computer should have broadband access? Cable or DSL, I'm not particular. But the point is that I'm a busy man, and I don't have time to be sitting around playing with myself while some lousy dialup service downloads my porn.

On the other hand, I suppose that's the point!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Monday, June 21, 2004

I read this story and started laughing so hard that I leaned back in the chair and fell against the filing cabinet! And then I was stuck, flailing my arms and legs like some sort of mustachioed turtle, trying to get the chair to fall forward again. The worst thing was, of course, that I couldn't simply yell for help, because then the guards would have figured out that I've been lifting out the ceiling tiles in my cell and crawling over their infidel heads to the General's office. They probably would have punished me by pointing at my genitals.

So what I finally did was pull the belt out of my pants, and use it to lasso the espresso coffee maker nearby. Then I pulled myself back up. Plus, I was able to fix myself a great cup o' joe!

Anyway, what started this mess is the revelation by that 9/11 Commission in the United States that Al Qaeda had far more contacts with Pakistan AND Iran than it ever did with me!! This comes on top of the previously known fact that NONE of the funding for the plot was traced to me, and that NONE of the hijackers were Iraqis. Indeed, it's long been known that 15 of the 19 were Saudis.

President Lucy has some serious 'splaining to do!!

Sunday, June 20, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

The sad fact is that most major media outlets supported the unlawful invasion of my country. One by one, however, they are admitting they were wrong. The latest to do so is that hotbed of liberalism, the New Republic. Quite frankly, I was stunned two years ago when they supported Bush. Now they're crawling back to me, with their tails between their legs, begging forgiveness.

Both the Washington Post and the New York Times have recently recanted their support. And CNN's Tucker Carlson last week went as far as to say "I am embarrassed that I supported the war in Iraq." Nicely put, Tucker. And I have a few suggestions as to where you can put that stupid bow tie you're always wearing.

But this is neither the time nor place for a proctology lesson.

The question I am now faced with is, are these reversals of opinion genuine and heartfelt? Or are these people merely weasels, who are only now beginning to see the handwriting on the wall? Desperation can make a man say things he doesn't really mean. On the other hand, I love anyone who falls to his knees before me and begs for his life, soiling their pants in the process.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

---------------Wiley, Non Sequitor

I can not believe how desperately Cheney continues to cling to the idea that I had ties to Al Qaeda. Despite the fact that this assertion has been repeatedly disproved, he continues to say I was somehow responsible for the attacks of 9-11. In fact, just this past Monday, the infidel Vice President repeated that accusation in a speech to some conservative think tank group.

If this is the kind of crap these "think tanks" come up with, perhaps they should take up daydreaming. It would make for a much safer world.

Even the commission investigating the attacks said today that there is "no credible evidence" I had any ties to Al Qaeda.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Granted, Osama approached me years ago for help, but I told him to piss off. Firstly, I didn't care for his self-righteous, holier than thou attitude. He's one of those people who always wears his religion on his sleeve, and he's damn proud of the fact that he's a born again Muslim. He even leaves little pamphlets in public places preaching the glories of finding Allah, opening your heart to the glories of Islam, and killing Americans.

And I still don't get the 72 virgins thing. What happens when you've used them up? Do you have to jerk off for the rest of eternity? And what the hell kind of religion promotes constant wild sex with women who are NOT your wives?

So I told him that I wouldn't help him. Besides, I was afraid someone would discover our connection and I'd get invaded.

And I certainly wouldn't want to risk that!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Obviously the people at the BBC have been into the liquor cabinet again. That's the only excuse I can come up with for this list of possible charges against me. And for the record, I'd like to point out that then President Reagan had absolutely no problem with the first two items on the list. Of course, that's because I was going up against Iran, and the United States was still pissed at them over that embassy thing.

And as far as launching scuds against Israel during the first Persian Gulf War, well, IT WAS A FRIKKIN' WAR!!!!!! I mean, my understanding of the concept of war is that it involves weapons!!!! Or did I mess a memo along the way?

And several of the counts mention "torture." Uh, I think the United States should be very careful if it starts dragging up torture charges against me.

At least when I tortured Shiites, I didn't go around pointing at their genitals like on some kind of twisted version of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guard."

Former United States President George H. W. Bush celebrated his 80th birthday by skydiving from 13,000 feet. If nothing else, this proves he has about as much sense as his son.

I mean, what kind of idiot jumps out of a perfectly good airplane?

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks


Another day, another carbombing.

But aside from that, and the constant roadside bombings, and the neverending kidnappings of foreigners, and the steady sabotage of oil pipelines, and the nonstop political assassinations, our transition to democracy is going remarkably well!

Sunday, June 13, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

I'm rather shocked that my ex-wife Jennifer Lopez turned around and married this Marc Anthony fellow. Isn't he kind of old for her? I mean, wasn't this guy a friend of Julius Caesar?

Besides, she and I went out on a date just a couple of weeks ago and we had talked about getting back together after my current, um, "legal difficulties" are cleared up.

What? You're surprised the guards would let me do that? Well, of course they wouldn't, you idiot of an infidel. I'm facing charges of.... Wait.... Exactly what charges am I facing? No one's really been able to explain that to me. It's not like I had any weapons of mass destruction. And I'm not the one who went off half-cocked and invaded another country looking for them, thereby pissing 90% of the civilized world after declaring I would go it alone, and then went back and told them it's their duty to get my singed ass out of the frying pan. After all, what world leader could possibly be that stupid?

Still, there's no denying the fact that I'm in a jail cell. Well, most of the time.

A couple of weeks ago I took my life size inflatable Britney Spears doll, stuck it in my bed, and covered it with blankets so it would look like I was actually there sleeping. Then I crawled up through the ceiling and shimmied through a ventilation shaft to the outside. Afterwards, I met JLo at little cafe around the corner. We had dinner, talked a while about her career and my own future plans. Then we went out to a show.

It was a magnificent production of Andrew Lloyd Habib's musical "Camels." Kind of a weird storyline, though. Something about different kinds of camels, and they all sing about their lives.

But the best part comes at the end. That's when Old Deuteronomy, the magical three hump camel, dramatically descends from the heavens to pick one other camel to go back with him. Then all the other remaining camels come back out and sing the finale. It's all quite lavish and moving.

Admittedly, I don't quite get the story. It's probably symbolic of something or another, like maybe they're ascending to paradise and there's 72 camel virgins up there. Who knows? I'm not very good with literary symbols and allegories and crap like that.

Hell, I still think "Moby Dick" was about a whale.... And I'll torture anyone who tells me otherwise.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks


Ever wonder what it's like to be caught in an ambush? If you're guessing that it's not particularly pleasant, well, then you're smarter than the average infidel. Daniel Williams of The Washington Post has written a piece detailing his own experience during an ambush and the subequent high speed chase.

Now please understand that it's not my intention to harm reporters, but sometimes my supporters become a little, shall we say, "overzealous."

Besides, that "Bush in '04" bumpersticker on the back didn't help.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Email Post

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

There are times I almost--ALMOST--feel sorry for the Americans. And just as that first tear is ready to start rolling down my cheek. I'll turn around and start laughing my ass off. It's the same sort of mix of empathy and amusement I usually reserve for the mentally handicapped.

The latest bit of difficulty to befall the occupiers comes from northern Iraq, where now the Kurds are threatening to pull out of the "new" Iraqi government.

When will Bush learn that there are no solutions in the Middle East? Just oil and a whole shitload of sand.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

The Americans continue to beat themselves silly over that torture business. Quite frankly, I think the whole business is just plain stupid. First of all, their methods really weren't all that great. In fact, it was more like something from some grade B homosexual porn film than actual torture.

Anyway, the American Attorney General John Ashcroft was testifying before congress about it. Apparently there was some sort of memo which told the White House it was okay under international law to torture Al Qaeda suspects. And even though parts of this memo have leaked to the media, Ashcroft is still refusing to share the documents with congress.

You know, that John Ashcroft is an interesting guy. Did you know he used to be a Senator, and when he ran for reelection in 2000 he lost to a dead guy!!!!

No wonder we Iraqis are scared to death of democracy!

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

Monday, June 07, 2004

The tribunal that is supposed to try me on whatever trumped up charges I'm facing is having a hard time getting organized because of all the violence plaguing Iraq.

Gee, I'm just heartbroken!

Turns out five potential members of the tribunal have been killed in the past year, and half its budget is going for security and insurance policies for its members.

Okay, so I made up the part about the insurance policies. The truth of the matter is that no one in the world is Stupid enough to grant any of them a policy.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

I've been watching the coverage of former President Reagan's death, and the various remembrances of his life. There was one quote I saw that virtually leapt out of the TV, chased me around the room, and struck me over the head. So I tracked it down to a speech (it's in the 8th paragraph) he delivered to his country on March 23 of 1983:

"The defense policy of the United States is based on a simple premise: The United States does not start fights. We will never be an aggressor."

Did anyone bother pointing this out to President Bush?

Saturday, June 05, 2004

A journalist in my city of Baqubah has summed up the reasons for all the resistance and violence the Americans continue to encounter: "If you want to give us freedom, a sort of democracy, then you don't kill people, you don't destroy houses, you don't run over cars with your tanks.... This only creates hatred."

On the other hand, what choice do you have if you invade a foreign country with absolutely no plan of restoring order or--most importantly--electricity?

THAT's what really pisses the Iraqis off, you know. Many of them look upon the United States as the most powerful nation on Earth, a nation which made all these grand promises, and they still haven't delivered on one of the most basic requirements of modern life: Electricity!!

That's why the Iraqi people want me back in power. Oh, they may not say so in exactly those words. And they may sometimes whine about how I often made relatives and loved ones "disappear." But deep down inside they realize that when I was in charge, they could flip a light switch and a darkened room would become bright, or turn on the air conditioner and cold, blessed air would flow forth, or click on the TV, and that lovable Homer Simpson would be strangling Bart.

Too bad no one in the Bush Administration thought of that ahead of time.


---------------Drew Sheneman, Newark Star-Ledger

---------------Tom TolesWashington Post

That fat slob who convinced the Americans to invade me, Ahmed Chalabi, is slipping deeper and deeper into the hole he's dug for himself. It now appears that he was passing American secrets to Iran as early as 1995.

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: Never trust a damn Shiite!!

But does anyone ever listen to me? No, of course not. They just call me an evil tyrant and ignore me, like my opinions don't matter simply because I'm bad. So when I go and do something in a desperate bid for attention, like invade a weaker neighbor, everyone is suddenly calling for my head!

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this....

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Central Infidel Agency Director George Tenet has resigned for "personal reasons.

Yeah, sure, personal reasons. I'm sure the fact that he completely blew the analysis about my non-existent weapons of mass destruction had absolutely nothing to do with his resignation.

---------------Bok, Akron Beacon Journal

And if you missed it, President Bush delivered the Commencement Address yesterday at the Air Force Academy in Colorado. It was a pretty good speech, except he still kept insisting that Iraq is part of the War on Terror. That's all fine and well, except for minor detail: There were no terrorists in Iraq until the United States muscled its way in here. Bush also said "Like the Second World War, our present conflict began with a ruthless, surprise attack on the United States."

Unless I'm mistaken, that was a reference to Pearl Harbor, which occurred in December of 1941.

Now I freely admit that I wasn't a history major in college, and I certainly don't have a degree from Yale the way Mr. Bush has, so you'll have to forgive if I'm wrong on this point, BUT it's always been my understanding that WWII began in 1939 with Hitler's invasions of Poland and Czechoslovakia. Oh, and I guess the Battle of Britain in 1940 doesn't count either. And didn't Hitler also invade France in 1940?

I'll bet it was George Tenet who briefed the President on the History of the second world war.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

---------------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Before I forget, let me wish happy birthday to Alanis Morisette, who turns 30 today. Did you know that she almost became a teacher? Yes, it's true.

Why, that would have been almost as ironic as only finding mustard gas when what your looking for is sarin.... Not that I would know, of course.