Tomorrow's the big day, the day I take over California! While I haven't made any actual campaign appearances, my scheme to plant dozens of women with stories about Arnold's sexual harassment is coming along quite nicely.

I have come up with a new poll. Now please don't misunderstand me: I still don't give a camel's ass what you think.... in general. On the other hand, I have watched with keen interest the difficulties you Americans have had in restoring order in Iraq. And if there's one thing I've learned from this embarassing fiasco, it's that you absolutely have to win the hearts and minds of the people you plan to rule.... THEN you abuse the hell out of them.

Consequently, I would like to determine what is important to the average infidel in the street.

In the meantime, here are the preliminary results for "Who would you like to see elected President of the United States in 2004?" Not that THESE results really matter, you understand....





Me (combined total)-------------------------62

John Kerry-------------------------------------03

Wesley Clark----------------------------------16

The Dixie Chicks, provided they deliver

their State of the Union addresses in

their underwear------------------------------44

Micheal Moore (combined total)-----------09

Howard Dean (combined total)------------06

A fully clothed Hillary Clinton---------------08





As you can see, I am the overwhelming favorite among Americans, according to this highly scientific unbiased poll of my fan base. However, the strong showing by the Dixie Chicks indicates that a sizeable percentage of you people, while solidly unamerican, are also sexual deviants. But that's cool; I kind of identify with you.

Over the weekend Israel bombed the crap out of some terrorist training camp near Damascus, and now Syria wants the United Nations to condemn the action.

Yeah, right. Fat chance of that happening.

I've got an entire frikkin' foreign army illegally occupying MY country, and the UN ain't doing squat about it. So why in the name of Allah they give a crap about a measly little bombing raid?

If Syrian President Bashar Assad really wants something to whine about, he should try putting himself in my shoes for a while.

I can only assume that the artist drew me crawling out of a sewer only because he doesn't know what a '73 Chevy Vega looks like.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

My rival for the governorship of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is apologizing for some "past mistakes." A number of women have accused him of groping them, making lewd & suggestive remarks, improper physical contact, grabbing their breasts & buttocks, trying to remove their bathing suits, and assorted other acts of sexual harassment.

So what's the problem?

I have to admit I'm beginning to admire Bush for his stubborness. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he continues to insist I "was a danger to the world." In what way? Manufacturing spitballs of mass destruction? Hocking up loogies onto sidewalks? What else am I supposed to do with my excess phlegm?

Yesterday Bush's own chief weapons inspector, David Kay, testified to congress that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq. In fact, the only violation of any kind he has uncovered thus far is a missile we were developing that exceeded illegally imposed range limits.

Well, excu-u-u-u-se me!!! Slap me on the wrist and send me to bed without my supper! The fact is that missile's design was a mistake! Really!! I would never, ever intentionally deceive the United Nations! There was a mathematical mistake involving the conversion of kilometers into miles. But that's what I get for hiring former NASA rocket scientists....

Bush needs to just admit he was wrong and put this whole thing behind him. He should go on National TV this Sunday night--preferably AFTER The Simpsons--and say,

"My fellow Americans.... I f*cked up. Good night. May God continue to bless the United States." Now that's 16 words that would make up for those OTHER 16 that got him in so much trouble last January. Why, it may even qualify as irony!!

I'll run the speech by Alanis Morissette and see what she says.

I always suspected as much....

----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

I am truly glad I'm a despot and don't have to deal with that democracy crap. I mean, what in the name of Allah's green Earth is going on in Washington?

When that Democrat Clinton was in the White House, the Republicans constantly had special prosecutors crawling all over him, investigating one thing or another. I seem to remember him sneezing one time, and Newt Gingrich demanded his resignation. At the same time, the Democrats were saying there's no need for special prosecutors, it's all just politics, and who the hell is Gingrich to point fingers at anyone when he's shtupping a 34 year old woman who's not his wife?

So now that they have one of their own in the White House, the Republicans are the ones saying there's no need for a special prosecutor, while the Democrats WANT to appoint one!

I mean, is something in the water, or the air, or is it the temperate climate?

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press

This actually brings up a related point:

Bush went against world opinion by invading me, and he launched his invasion on increasingly questionable grounds. As a result thousands of people have died, his military is stretched to the breaking point, Muslim extremists are more fired up than ever, and he has led the United States into a quagmire from which there can be no face saving exit.

Not to mention the fact that an entire country, which had been quite stable, has now been thrown into a state of total anarchy! But enough about the United States.....

Despite all these inescapable facts, Bush remains popular.

Now his predecessor, Clinton (who never, EVER, tried to invade me) led America through eight years of relative calm and increasing prosperity. And in return, he gets his butt impeached for playing hide the lollipop with a chick half his age?!?! Oh yes, that's much MUCH worse a crime than revealing the name of a CIA operative, an act that may well endanger lives and compromise national security.

It is obvious the United States needs strong leadership more than ever. And I'm tanned, rested, and ready to go.

I can't believe Arianna Huffington did this to me!



The two of us were having dinner the other evening, and she confided that she was thinking about dropping out of the California governor's race and endorsing me. Well, of course, this immediately got my attention.



So we finish eating, have a few too many glasses of wine, one thing leads to another, and the next thing I know, we're out in my '73 Vega testing the springs in the backseat! It was great!! The best one-woman-at-a-time sex I've had in years!

She told me she loved me, and of I course believed it. Really. I honestly thought we had something special.



So what does she go and do? She pulls out of the governor's race as promised, all right, but then she endorses that weiner Gray Davis!!!! How could she do that to me? Didn't the other night mean anything to her!?!



I now realize that she never really cared about me as a person. All her empty promises were nothing but a clever ploy to get in my pants.



Anyway, I've gone through three tubs of chocolate ice cream and am finally starting to feel better.

And what is the deal with Dick Cheney? Perhaps those various heart medications of his are causing him to hallucinate. Or maybe he's smoking you-know-what.... For purely medicinal purposes, of course.

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Cheney continues to insist I was some how connected to the 9-11 attacks. For Allah's sake, even the FBI and CIA have now discredited those accusations!! Bush himself has said I had nothing to do with it, but his credibility is so shot to hell that it doesn't help my case.....

Still, Cheney's stubborness shouldn't surprise anyone. Word on the street is that he also believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and O.J.'s innocence.

Well, well, well.... If the White House gets itself in any more hot water than it already is, it will feel like a turkish bath in that place.

Remember Joseph Wilson? He's the diplomat who discredited the reports that I had been trying to buy yellow pancake mix from Niger so I could build my own personal collection of nuclear warheads. Apparently someone in the White House got so upset that his report didn't support the Administration's invasion of my unarmed, powerless nation that they decided to leak the fact that Wilson's wife was some sort of hush-hush operative in the Central Infidel Agency. Now only was this petty act of retribution (which I admire because it's the type of thing I would do) a felony, but it potentially endangered her life, as well as the lives of her contacts.

Now this whole fiasco is being investigated by the Justice Department.

I am trying EXTREMELY hard not to bust a gut laughing, since it might give away my position.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Bush signed that controversial "Do Not Call List" bill into law today. In the process he delivered a few choice remarks directed at the telemarketers.

Don't believe for a moment that I don't realize what he's up to: He's trying to steal the very issue I was planning to use to win over the hearts and minds of the American public.

Can't say I blame him, though.... With his presidency in the toilet, and the fickle finger of history on the handle ready to flush, Bush is becoming increasingly desperate.

In fact, don't be surprised if he starts trying to avoid the press by driving around Washington in a '73 Vega.

You know, whatever differences I may have with the Bush administration--and quite frankly, some of those differences are rather significant--I remain a big fan of American popular culture, especially music.

By now all of you know that I just can't get enough of the Dixie Chicks.... And their music is okay, too.

I was a huge fan of the late Warren Zevon. Whenever his song Werewolves of London would come on WSADDAM (92.5 FM, if you're ever in Baghdad) I'd sing along to it. That part where he goes "AARROOOO!!!" was great. Beggars in the streets would scatter everytime I got to that part.

But I am especially fond of the blues, and my all-time favorite singer in that area is Ray Charles.

And while I would never pretend to know more about singing the Blues than Ray Charles, I think--and this is merely a suggestion, you understand--he should consider getting one of those newfangled Braille microphones.

I should point out that while I'm no fan of telemarketers, I also despise spammers. There is NOTHING wrong with my penis, okay? As any of the 27,354 women I've slept with will attest, I am hung like a camel. So stop sending me email telling me I'm somehow inferior. I strongly suspect that spammers send out their insulting garbage in a sad attempt to mask their OWN sexual inadequacies.

Rest assured that when I take over the United States of Saddam, I shall put a stop to the activities of both groups. And there will be no silly appeals to the courts screaming about violations of free speech, simply because there won't be any more first amendment.

I know that some of you are upset by that kind of talk. And you are the people who must make up your minds once and for all: Do you want to put a stop to intrusive telemarketing calls and garbage filled spam, or do you want that silly old Constitution of yours? Because you can't have both, you know. Besides, the stupid thing is like, what, 200 some years old? The damn ink in the original document is so faded by now, no one can read it anyway! So are you going to take the word of some judge--who isn't an elected official to begin with--about what it really says? For all you know, your Founding Fathers had an Article or Clause or paragraph in there calling for the slow, torturous deaths of anyone found guilty of telemarketing and spamming!

Oh, and if you're wondering what I plan to do with those illegible original copies of your Constitution, I plan to auction them off on eBay. We can use the proceeds to pay off the enormous debt you guys ran up invading Iraq.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I understand that the United States is an uproar over telemarketers. Apparently there is some sort of new "Do Not Call" list that 40 million infidels had signed up for, only to have a judge strike it down a few days ago. Then Congress addressed that judge's concerns, only to have a second judge strike it down again on the grounds of free speech. See, there's that Constitution thing again, causing problems.



Few people know this, but Iraq used to have a large telemarketing industry years ago. People routinely received 10, 12, sometimes 15 calls a day selling all kinds of stuff. Mostly it was for lawn care products, because if you live in a frikkin' desert and are stupid enough to have a lawn, it's going to need a LOT of maintenance. And for a while gas masks were a big seller, but I put a stop to that.

But all this didn't really bother me, because I had an unlisted number. The only people who ever called me were my top generals, Chemical Ali, my sons (may Allah rest their souls). my wives, and the Dixie Chicks.



So one day I'm sitting in the bathroom reading the paper and manufacturing weapons of massive smells, and my private hotline rings. Well, I immediately think there's an uprising somewhere, or the UN inspectors are coming, or it's a chance to get laid. Of course I leap off the seat and start running to the phone. Unfortunately my pants are still down around my ankles, and I end up tripping and falling. Smashed a coffee table and knocked over a bust of myself on the way down.



So imagine how I felt when I finally answer the damn phone and find that it was some dang idiot selling vinyl siding!!



Now why would I need vinyl siding?!? All my palaces are (or were) made of marble and polished granite. So why would I want to go slapping strips of plastic crap all over them?



I was absolutely furious. I immediately ordered the Hamurabi Division of my Republican Guard to round up all the frikkin' telemarketers and gas 'em. Then afterwards I personally shot each one. Twice.



And you know what? No one said a word. Not the US, not the UN, and not any of those pesky human rights groups. But if I had as much as yelled at a single Kurd or Shiite, those same people would have been all over me like stink on camel sh*t.

But kill 12,547 telemarketers, and no one cares.



That says something about the popularity of telemarketers, doesn't it?

----------Clay Jones, Fredericksburg Free Lance Star

As you've probably heard by now, my beloved Dixie Chicks were almost involved in a plane crash. And the fact that it happened in Scotland, which is part of the British Empire (Empire?--Now that's funny!!!) only fuels my suspicions about this so-called "accident."

I think Bush is getting frustrated that he still hasn't caught me, so instead he's going after my supporters.

The Democrats in that Congress thing better watch what they say.

So I'm watching Fox News channel the other day....

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Fair and balanced, my camel's ass....

America wants to spend $9 million modernizing Iraq's postal service. I don't know if that's such a great idea....

I'm fairly familiar with the US postal system, and the last thing I want is for ours to operate the way theirs does. I can just see some disgruntled mailman wig out and start shooting Baathists.

President Bush has finished addressing the United Nations. You gotta admit that the man has Texas-sized cajones.... First he tells the UN that he'll go it alone. Then after he gets in over his head, he goes back begging to be rescued, but only on his terms.

It's kind of like a man dying of thirst in the desert. A caravan comes across the poor wretch and offers him a bottle of Evian water.

"No, thanks," he says. "I only drink Perrier."

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Today marks the autumnal equinox, which means that the lengths of daylight and, er, nightlite are equal. This equality is in stark contrast to the uneven balance of power between the United States and Iraq. Still, one has to admire the Americans tenacity in the face of overwhelming odds.

As far as the weather is concerned, one can detect the subtle crisp scent of fall in the chill air. In fact, the high temperature was only 45 (that's 113 Fahrenheit for you lowscoring on the math portion of the SATs Americans).

In light of the ever-changing presidential field, I have updated the poll asking who you would like to see elected President next year. Consequently, I have cleared all the old poll results. The revised poll will remain up for the next week or so, at which point it will go back into rotation with the other questions.

Now I realize that some of you may consider erasing the old results somehow unfair and undemocratic. Some of you may even complain that not all the present candidates are listed. However, my poll only lists those who have a reasonable chance of winning the Democratic nomination. I mean, do you honestly believe Dennis Kucinich or Carole Mosely-Braun have a chance in hell?

While your complaints may well be legitimate, please keep in mind that I really don't give a crap what you think. Not only do your opinions NOT matter to me, but they could easily land you in prison. There you would subjected to endless days of torture, provided you're not busy cleaning my toilets, waxing my '73 Chevy Vega, or trying to take my camel's temperature.

And no, you don't need to ask what kind of thermometer you'll be using on the camel.

Have a nice day.

That speech Bush recently delivered--the one that preempted The Simpsons--about the cost of illegal occupation of my peace-loving nation that would never harm a fly (provided the fly wasn't Kurdish, Shiite, Iranian, or Kuwaiti) was apparently not very well received by the American public. For some reason, a majority of his people are having a hard time coughing up the $87 billion.

So, uh, when are you guys going to leaving?

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

I hear the United States is taking a beating from that Isabel chick. My heart bleeds for you....

Well, okay, not really. I'm actually chortling with delight.

The most amusing part of it all is that while the local governors want to call out the National Guard to aid in disaster relief, they can't: Most of the Guard troops are here in Iraq!

Tell you what, though. If you want to pull them out, go right ahead. I won't object!

No need to thank me.

Turns out that dumb Swede, Hans Blix, may not be as dumb as he looks! In an interview with an Australian radio station, the former UN arms inspector says that he believes that I truly haven't had weapons of mass destruction for the last ten years. The reason that I was so resistant to inspections, though, was that I wanted the rest of the world to THINK I still had them, so that no one would dare attack me.

A brilliant strategy, if I do say so myself, that worked out great.... Right up until March 19.

People in the United States of Satan are apparently very terrified of this girl, Isabel. What's the big deal? As I understand it, a hurricane is nothing more than a sandstorm with water instead of sand. Admittedly an odd concept, but apparently true. Yet people in its path are fleeing!

It truly embarasses me to think that these are the same people who--quite temporarily--have removed me from power.

Why, when I was a wee lad, I used to walk 5 kilometers to school in blinding sandstorms.

Barefoot.

Uphill.

Both ways.

I had a heart attack earlier and almost died. Fortunately, an American soldier passing by resuscitated me. I'm not sure, but I think he was feeling up my silicone breast implants.... Felt kinda good, too.

Anyway, it was this incredible, unbelievable piece of news that sent me into shock, my Vega off the road and into a sand dune, and the old ticker into ventricular fibrillation: Bush has finally come right out and said that I had nothing to do with the 9-11 attacks!!!!!

I had been saying this all along, but no one would listen to me! It's almost like I had some sort of credibility problem....

I have been arguing till I'm purple in the face (this visual clue may or may not be intended to confuse anyone who may or may not be looking for me) that dictatorships are better than democracy. Still, the Americans continue to strut around the globe, arrogantly trying to impose their standards on the rest of the world. Then something like what's going on now in California (or Florida in 2000) comes along, and the other countries of the world end up rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard they're peeing in their pants! Meanwhile, the the Americans stand there with a befuddled look on their faces, wondering what the hell the joke is!

So really, which is the better system of government? Surprisingly, an argument can be made that dictatorships are better.

I hear the Americans around Saddam, DC--I mean, WASHINGTON, DC (I was getting just a bit ahead of myself)--are all in a tizzy about that Hurricane Isabel.

Well, what a bunch of sissies!!!

Living in the middle of a desert as I do, I am not terribly familiar with those "hurricane" things. But I do know that "Isabel" is a girl's name, so how bad can anything named after a girl be?

Oh, puh-LEEZE!!!!!

If you haven't already heard, the American Warlord of State Colin Powell visited a mass grave in northern Iraq. It's bodies leftover from when I gassed the Kurds in 1988. Yeah, yeah, right. A real shame. Whatever.

Anyway, afterwards he has the audacity to cite that as proof that I once had weapons of mass destruction. Well.... DUH!!!!

First of all, this is nothing new. The whole world has known about this for the last 15 years, and no one ever said squat about it before. But NOW all of a sudden, Powell cites it as justification for their illegal and highly irregular invasion of Iraq!!! Why is he making an issue of it NOW!?!?

Because they are getting desperate, that's why. They haven't been able to find any CURRENTLY EXISTING WMD's, so now they're going to start pointing at things that happened in the last millennium. Perhaps my memory is failing, but I certainly don't seem to recall Bush saying anything about "We're going to invade Iraq because they HAD weapons of mass destruction 15 frikkin' years ago!!!" Oh, you don't remember such a speech, either?

Well, that makes two of us.

Someone needs to tell Bush and Powell to stop living in the past and join the rest of the world here in the 21st century.

----------Jean Veenenbos--Austria, The Standard

For sake of argument, and as unbelievably unlikely as it is, let's say someone turns me in and the United States actually succeeds in capturing me. There's a $25 million dollar on my head, right?

But I've already driven the US to the verge of bankruptcy. How are they going to come with the money? Borrow it from Estonia or something?

Good luck coming up with the collateral.

Wonderful news, America!! You know that $87 billion Bush said would be needed for Iraq? Well, turns out that figure was wrong!

According to the Vice Great Satan, Dick Cheney, it's actually going to be higher than that.

Loyal reader and fervent faithful fickle follower Jeff writes: I was trying to participate in a live discussion with Salam Pax over at The Guardian (one of your main liberal support papers). Well, I got totally snubbed and my questions (num 13) weren't answered! Once again, this proves that I should submit my questions to a much more famous and accessible Iraqi. If you would honor me with your answers, Saddam.



1) 'What would you like Iraq (and more broadly the middle east) to look like in 30 years? In terms of religion, education, technology, ect. (after you retake the country that is)



2) What would you say to George W. Bush once you've imprisoned him? Positive things, negative things, and what should he change.



3) What unique characteristics of Iraqi culture will be exported to the rest of the world in the future? And what from other cultures will Iraq import?



4) Lastly, Would you mind if me (American) and a few friends came to Baghdad to have a beer with you? (This one, I will omit, as I am not worthy (and frightened))



Best Regards, Jeff '



Well, Jeff, I'm sorry you had a problem with Salam Pax. I can only assume that he did not realize you were one of my children (uh, I mean that figuratively, of course, as I have never, to the best of my recollection, even met your mother). I shall speak to him tomorrow, as he is scheduled to wash and wax my Chevy Vega.



That will be a tricky manuever. For obvious reasons, I can not afford to stop, so Salam will have to run alongside the car with his bucket, sponge, can of camel wax, and chamois cloth. We've done this a number of times before, and I haven't run over him yet, so I'm confident things will work out.



Now, as to your questions: They are all excellent, and demonstrate a high level of intellectual curiousity about what the future may hold for both Iraq, and the soon-to-be Islamic States of America. Also, you appear to be a borderline alcoholic. But your inquiries are extremely difficult, so I shall instead answer a different set of questions.



1) What is the square root of pi?

A--Obviousy a trick question, as the answer depends entirely on the type of pie you're talking about. Since apples have entirely different mathematical properties from, say, blueberries, the overall sine and cosine of the final baked product would be correspondingly effected by the tangents of the principle ingredients.



I have not survived this long by falling for cheaply disguised tricks.



2) What is the shortest distance between two jokes?

A--A "straight line."



3) Mars has been in the news a lot lately. Can you share some interesting facts about the fourth planet? Compare and contrast with the corresponding facts about Earth.

A--Certainly.

* Mars' diameter is 6750 km, or just over half of Earth's.

* Mars' average distance from the Sun is 217 km, or 1.52 AU. By definition, Earth is 1.0 AU (Astronomical Unit) from the Sun, or 149,597,870 km.

* Mars has two moons, both of which are far smaller than Earth's single moon.

* The average temperature of Mars is -63 celsius. Earth's is currently +15, but that figure rises every time I set an oil field on fire.

* Mars' atmosphere is 95.3% carbon dioxide and 2.7% nitrogen. Earth's is 21% oxygen and 78% nitrogen.

* Mars' axis is tilted 25.19 degrees in relation to the plane of the ecliptic. Earth's axis is tilted 23.45 degrees. It is actually this degree of orbital tilt which accounts for Earth's changing seasons, NOT our distance from the Sun. It is also why the length of our days changes by season.

* To date, no evidence has been found that life, however primitive, has ever existed on Mars. By contrast, Earth is teeming with biological activity. However, the presence of intelligent life on the planet is yet to be proven.



4) Many men became absolutely discombobulated over that kiss Madonna shared with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, and were reduced to quivering masses in danger of drowning in their own drool. What is it about lesbians that so fascinates men?

A--Well, I have never been a big fan of regular man/woman porn. I mean, what guy (except maybe an Episcopalian bishop) wants to look at a naked man, even if he is having sex with a woman? There's nothing on that guy that I want to see. I already have those parts, and I know how they work, so there's really nothing new there to see. That's like wasted space on my TV screen.

But watching a movie with two women, on the other hand, is like getting two for the price of one. And if the on-screen action involves THREE women, well, that's like striking gold at Costco. Talk about your quantity discounts!!

Now the Americans have killed eight Iraqi police officers by mistake.

Yeah, that's sure to further endear the infidels to my people.

Personally, I do my best thinking while sitting on a toilet. In fact, it was about 13 years ago that I had a really bad case of Allah's Revenge (never, ever drink the water in Najaf!!) and came up with the idea to invade Kuwait.

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have announced that they are postponing their wedding, supposedly because of all the media attention. That's too bad, though you would think they would be accustomed by now to that sort of thing.

That J.Lo is something else. I remember when I was married to her a few years ago, she just about wore me out! Kind of a kinky lady, too. She certainly knew how to make my mustache curl!! Especially when it came to dressing up like a cheerleader!!! I'm not sure, but I think that stuff was illegal in most of the civilized world. To be honest, however, I would have preferred if SHE had worn the cheerleader outfit.

As you've probably guessed by now, the marriage didn't last. I came home early one day from gassing the Kurds and caught her kissing Madonna.

The price of gas in Iraq has skyrocketted. Ironic in a country with this much stinkin' oil underground, but we keep having to sabotage the pipelines so we can blame the Americans. I just hope we remember to STOP blowing our own sh*t up once the invaders finally do leave.

Anyway, it's costing me a fortune to keep gas in my Chevy Vega, what with all the constant driving around. Consequently, in an effort to raise funds, I have invented a new board game, which I hope to sell to Parker Brothers.

According to the Washington Post, 69% of Americans continue to believe I was somehow responsible for the 9-11 attacks in 2001. That is truly sad, but not surprising. After all, we're talking about the same people who think Homer Simpson is a real person and would gladly vote for him for President if his name appeared on the ballot.

And the fact that your Satan-in-Chief keeps suggesting that I was somehow connected to that plot isn't helping matters. But hey, he's desperate to justify his ongoing illegal occupation of Iraq, so I guess I can't blame him for fudging the facts just a wee bit.

But believe me when I say that wasn't me; 9-11 was all Osama. The only bad thing I've ever done on American soil was that business with O.J.'s wife a few years ago, but they never did pin that on me.

As I'm sure you're well aware, there were NO Iraqis among the hijackers. In fact, most of them were Saudis. What's more, they were led by an Egyptian. So if you Americans want to bomb someone for 9-11, go pound Saudi Arabia and Egypt!

Oh, but wait.... Saudi Arabia and Egypt are allies of the United States. I guess you can't be bombing your friends, even when they're the ones who attack you. What a crazy, mixed up world....

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Even in his speech the other night, Bush said Iraq is the new frontline of his war on terror. Well, I have to take issue with that. Yes, Al-Qaeda is moving into Iraq, but that's only because there's been a complete breakdown of central authority here. Believe me, if the United States hadn't come in and royally mucked things up, there were would be no foriegn terrorists operating here. I wouldn't put up with their self-righteous holier-than-thou attitudes. They try to shove religion down our throats, then threaten you when you resist. Kind of like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell over in America. So no, I don't particularly appreciate Osama sending his people in here. We Iraqis are perfectly capable of expelling the invading hordes ourselves, thank you very much.

What concerns me is that once the Americans do pull out, Osama is going to claim credit and want a piece of the action in return. It's kind of like after a guy spends $50 bucks on a date, he wants something in return. He doesn't want to go home empty handed.

Anyway..... If anyone ever tells you that being a power hungry dictator is easy, don't believe him. It's not. There's a helluva lot of paperwork involved.

I know just what he means. I hate telemarketers, too! And they're always selling the stupidest things.....

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

You know what one of my favorite movies is? Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I really can't explain why, especially since it's about unwashed infidels spreading Christianity. But I'm Saddam Hussein, so it's not like I have to explain myself to you. I like the movie; accept that I like the movie; deal with the fact that I like the movie. If this is still a problem, I suggest you get a job parking cars at the new UN headquarters in Baghdad.

Anyway, there's this one scene where King Arthur confronts a knight dressed in black guarding a bridge. There's a dramatic sword fight, and the King chops off one of the knight's arms. Blood spurts from the severed stump.

The knight refuses to concede defeat.

The sword fight resumes, with more fancy moves and dramatic music. Finally, the king severes one of the knight's legs.

Now hopping around on one leg, with one arm lying on the ground, the knight refuses to concede defeat.

More sword fighting ensues, until Arthur chops off the remaing arm.

Still the knight refuses to concede defeat. He continues to taunt King Arthur, who might add is exhibitting remarkable patience by now bringing out his weapons of mass destruction.

For some reason, I feel like I'm King Arthur.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Originally, Bush was supposed to announce the surrender of the United States, and that he was going into exile in France. However, that deal fell apart a few hours ago when the stupid frogs said they didn't want him. Subsequent appeals to Germany, Canada, and Russia also were also met with loud guffaws and knee slapping. So in the end, Bush had no choice but to come up with some noble sounding crap about "freedom and democracy and a better way of life for the Iraqi people." Apparently this better way of life is one without elctricity.

Oh, and by the way, there's also an $87 billion price tag attached as well.

So I guess my conquest of America will be on hold for just a little bit longer.

Had an absolutely horrible nightmare last night.... Dreamt that I had almost successfully taken over the United States, except that I couldn't find Bush. Oh, we were getting plenty of tips from Hollywood types and Democrats--you know, the typical un-American crowd. But by the time we would actually get to the suspected hideout, all we'd find is a pile of empty beer cans, meaning either George W. or his daughters had just been there. On one raid, we even found a pile of freshly discarded EKG printouts, so we knew we had just missed Cheney.

And it went on like this for years and years.

Are the people at blogger.com worthless, or what? Apparently I am able to post, but no one can actually access my site to view what I have written. And I have checked the blogspots of my many loyal followers who linked to me, and they are having the same problem. Since it is not just MY site, but apparently everyone else hosted on blogspot, it would seem to rule out some nefarious plot by the CIA to silence me. Either that, or all the people who have linked to me have been silenced as well.

Rest assured that after Bush capitulates and turns power over to me tomorrow night, I will find the blogger people and put a stop to this nonsense!

President Bush is supposed to address his subjects this Sunday night. He will be announcing the surrender of the United States.

Guess I better start picking out new furniture for the White House.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal_Constitution

You'll never guess who I just bumped into.... Donald Rumsfeld!! That's right, the American Secretary of Unlawful Occupations of Innocent Peace Loving Nations himself. Right here in Tikrit!!

I had gone out to a nearby Starbucks--or what's left of it--to get my usual venti vanilla latte when I thought the guy in front of looked familiar: Flared nostrils with smoke pouring from them, pointy ears, horns, sharp tail, and a pitchfork. Just like in those press briefings!



So we started talking about the weather, sports, ongoing acts of sabotage, Britney Spears' clothing shortage, etc..... Then he reminded me that "there's a $25 million reward for Saddam's capture." That's when I realized he didn't recognize me!! Is that hilarious, or what? I don't know if it was all this mascara I'm wearing, or the wig, or the silicone breast implants, but he had NO idea how close he was to becoming a rich man.



I thanked him for "liberating us" (while trying really hard not to laugh), and then we parted ways. Oh, and when no one was looking.... I taped a piece of paper that says "Kick me--I'm an infidel" to his back.



Heard him yelling "OUCH!! OUCH!!" as I drove off in my '73 Vega.

I'm okay now, but I passed out earlier. Actually, I've been uncocscious for most of the last 24 hours.

I had gotten up early yesterday to watch that NFL Kickoff concert. It sounded like it was going to pretty good, and the American Armed Forces Network was broadcasting to the illegal invaders occupying Iraq. I tap into their signal all the time.

Anyway, I took one look at that outfit Britney Spears was wearing and my massive weapon of pleasure immediately went into launch mode. It happened very quickly, and the sudden rush of blood out of my head caused me to pass out. Think my head hit my RPG launcher on the way down. There's a big dent in it.

In the launcher, I mean.

For the life of me, I will never understand American football. It's just too much like American foreign policy.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Remember how I said all these different "special edition" DVD movies are nothing more than a scam to get our money? Well, guess what? Those seven versions of the different Star Wars box sets we've accumulated over the years are going to be obsolete by the end of the decade! That's right: All those CD's and DVD's are going to be replaced by virtual downloads and streaming videos.

Of course, this will only apply to people with high-speed internet connections. Those of you still stuck with AOL in 2010 are just going to be out of luck.

Anyone who STILL doesn't believe that I'm getting a raw deal needs to read this, then be taken out back and tortured.

It seems that the United States army is destroying its stockpiles of sarin!! Excuse me? What is the United States doing with frikkin' sarin in the first frikkin' place!?! If I had suddenly announced last fall that I was destroying MY (non-existent, of course) sarin, Bush would have been all over me like flies on camel crap!!! He would have gone on worldwide TV screaming, "LOOK!!! LOOK!!! HE HAD SARIN!!!! SEE??? SEE???I TOLD YOU SO!!!!"

And now it turns out he had the stuff all along, too! Talk about your basic double standards!!

And I don't even want to think about how he's letting it all go to waste by burning it....

This is terrible news, and a truly horrible development.... If you're George Bush, that is!!!!

Now Abdel-Aziz al-Hakim, the brother of the Shiite cleric, is calling on the Americans to end the occupation. And the kicker is, he's a member of the puppet ruling council which was appointed by the Americans in the first place!!!

Imagine that.... Me, agreeing with a Shiite.... Is this what the world has come to?

Excuse me while I go heave my guts.

I understand that in America people are always seeing Elvis somewhere. Well, it's the same here, especially in Mosul. People there are always seeing me. And that's a good thing, because it keeps them on their toes, and serves as a reminder as to who's STILL in charge. Strange, however, that no one has reported seeing me driving around in my '73 Vega....

Oh, and happy Labor Day, America. I'll be sure to give your guys in Iraq plenty to do for the next couple of years.

I was bored last night, so I decided to watch something scary. Thought about The Exorcist, but that sounded much too Christian for my taste. Considered the original Friday the 13th, but I get bored watching other homicidal maniacs strut their stuff. Besides, I end up yelling at the screen, trying to correct their technique. So finally I settled on something TRULY terrifying: The Fox News Channel.



Those people at Fox really are a bunch of psycho warmongers. After I conquer the United States and decide which of my puny neighbors to invade--could be Canada, could be Mexico--I'll put the people at Fox in charge of building public opinion against whichever I decide is the enemy.



Anyway, they had some "talking heads" program on. Now I must admit, I find this whole concept of talking heads interesting. I mean, I've personally lopped off several hundred heads in my time, but I've never had any of them converse with me afterwards, much less tell me what I should be thinking.



Then one of the heads raised the question, "Is the United States' plan for rebuilding Iraq off track?" Then all the different heads got into this debate on the matter.



Well, I admit to be quite confused. What is there to debate? From where I'm sitting, and from where my 35 million fellow countrymen are sitting, it appears that the United States NEVER had ANY sort of plan for rebuilding Iraq. Apparently they assumed some sort of spantaneous regeneration would take place, with electric grids magically coming back online on their own, water filtration facilities functioning on their own, and the Iraqi people dancing with joy in the streets.



Well, okay, so there was SOME dancing, but only a teeny-tiny little bit.... But that stopped once the people got home, flicked on the light switch, and nothing happened.

And never mind that the rest of the world told Bush NOT to invade; he and Cheney and Rumsfeld were dead set on it, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop them. And why? What did I ever do to deserve such hatred from Bush? Well, okay, there was that little incident where I tried to kill his old man, but jeez, that was like ten years ago. Get over it, for crying out loud!!!



So now Bush is stuck in a situation he can't possibly win. And the funniest part is that now he's asking all the other countries who told him NOT to come in here to begin with, for help in getting out!!



Yeah, right. That'll work.

----------Walt Handelsman, Journal News

Here's a little quote someone sent me. I believe it comes from the great American philosopher, Forrest Gump. It is a lesson that George Bush should take to heart.



"Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of jalapenos.

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."

You know what I find absolutely hilarious about that Shiite Mosque that was blown up in Najaf? Besides the fact that it was Shiite, I mean.... Some weeks ago the Shiites had demanded that the US pull back and respect the holiness, sacredness, sanctity, and all that kind of stuff, of their religious sites. So the US, because they were trying to be nice (Big mistake: You can NOT, under ANY circumstances, be nice to Shiites), did so.

Now that the mosque has been blown up, the Shiites are criticizing the Americans for not providing proper security of their religious crap!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I'm sorry, but this is just TOO funny!

Someone should tell Alanis Morissette about this. Maybe she can use it when she corrects all the non-ironic situations in her song "Ironic?"

There is something seriously wrong with the world when a company sends you spam offering anti-spam software.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

There are disturbing reports that the wreckage of the Titanic is rapidly disintegrating. Well, why doesn't the United just go rebuild it? After all, they're doing such a fabulous job with Iraq!!

That reminds me.... I haven't watched the movie Titanic in over a year now. Maybe I'll do that tonight, but only if I'm alone. I always end up crying at the end, and I don't want people to see that. But really, if you think about it, why does Jack have to die? He and Rose were so very much in love, and then, to have that beautiful love torn asunder.... I don't even like to think about it, it's so horribly tragic. Such a meaningless waste of human life.

When I take over the United States, I'm going to have James Cameron redo the end of the movie, to make it more dramatic and less sappy.

Here's one possible new ending: After the ship sinks, Jack can rescue Rose from a vicious shark attack. Then they'll make mad, passionate love in the water, with all the other dead bodies floating around.

What can I say? I'm just a hopeless romantic!

Here's another absolutely hilarious story out of London: It seems the city was briefly paralyzed by a massive power outage!

This just further proves my point that Tony Blair is nothing more than Bush's little lapdog, following him around, hoping to somehow please his master so he can get another doggy biscuit, and occasionally taking a leak on some defenseless fire hydrant.

First Bush has to attack Iraq, so then Blair decides he wants to come along, too. Then America has a great big power outage, so now England has to have one, too! Those British are so pathetically predictable!

Between you and me, it makes me just a little jealous.... I wish I had had a pet that devoted when I was growing up.... Who knows? Perhaps I would have turned out differently.....

For those of you who read Lt. Smash: Live from the Sandbox, he's home. I'll let you in on a little secret: I enjoyed reading his site, and yes, I'm actually glad he made it home in one piece.

My only regret is that he didn't take the rest of his 125,000 buddies with him, but I guess the space in those overhead storage bins is somewhat limited.

Holy mother of Allah!! Look at the size of those feet!! It's truly no wonder Bush is so popular.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Have you had a chance to see Mars? It's less only 56 million kilometers from Earth and is quite spectacular. They say this is the closest it's been to us in 60,000 years!

I'm hiding there now.

In an interview with the Washington Post, usually a well-respected leftist publication which nonetheless supported the totally unnecessary, wholly illegal, and completely bogus invasion of my (mostly) peaceful nation which only very rarely and then only on a highly occasional basis, launched unwarranted attacks on its neighbors.....



Um..... Now I forgot what I was going to say.....



Oh, right! Paul Bremer, in an interview with the Post, now admits that it will take "tens of billions" of dollars to rebuild Iraq.



Well, Mr. Paul, that may be true in terms of rebuilding everything ONCE. But in reality, it's going to cost much, much more than that. You see, as soon as you rebuild something and move onto something else, we're going to come along behind you and blow the first thing up again. Then, when you finish with the second thing, and go back you rebuild the first thing a second time, we're going to blow up the SECOND thing while you're busy with the first thing.



And while you're making yourselves dizzy scurrying back and forth between things one and two, things three, four, five, six, and seven are still going to be lying there in great big ol' heaps of rubble.



And who's going to be paying for this eternal reconstruction project? Hey, don't look at us. We're not the ones who decided to come in here and bomb ourselves into the stone age last spring! It's like your mom always said: You made the mess; you clean it up. And YOU pay for it!



Sounds like fun, eh?

Remember when I was complaining about all the different editions of Star Wars that have come out over the years? Well, George Lucas isn't the only one who is after the contents of my genuine camel hide wallet. Now comes word that there is a new, "double-secret probation" edition of Animal House coming out! Of course, like all special editions, it has never before seen footage and remastered 5.1 digital dolby THX stereo crap.

Digital dolby, my ass. If you want realistic sound effects, try having a 1,000 pound JDAM bomb go off in the next room. Now THAT'S some kick-ass digital 5.1 whatever the hell.

And of course I'll have to buy it, because my existing copy will now be obsolete. Plus, Animal House IS one of my favorite movies. Reminds me of my wild college days at UIM (University of Iraq at Mosul).

I remember this wild toga party we had one night.... We got so totally wasted, we started firing rocket propelled grenades at the other frat houses. Then campus police showed up and told us to keep it down, and we ended up taking them hostage!

So the next day, the Dean finds out about all the shenanigans, and tries to suspend us. So what do we do? We blow up his office!!!

Ah, to be young again.....

It occurs to me that the leader of Libya is Colonel Moammar Gaddafi.

Why?

Shouldn't he be at least a General? After all, he IS the leader of a country. Better yet, a "Field Marshal," like Idi was. At least, I think Field Marshals outrank Generals. And what happens if he accidentally promotes someone to General? Wouldn't he then be outranked by someone under him? Then what happens? Is he still ruler?

I'll have to ask Mo about this the next time we have tea.

Never should have gone down that road in the first place.....

----------Stahler, Cincinnati Post

Now another piece of Bush's justification for war has been discreditted. Remember those drones, the ones supposedly intended for use in dispersing chmical agents? They were merely intended to be used for reconnaissance! I tried telling that to anyone who would listen, but no one would. They were too busy bitchin' and moanin' about how I was an "imminent threat."

What a load of composted camel crap!!! I wouldn't hurt a flea!

Granted, I love to kill Kurds and Shiites by the thousands, but I would never hurt a flea.

----------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer

Well, well, well..... Now some people are saying that half a million troops will be needed to bring Iraq under control. WOW!!! Now that's impressive! I'm starting to feel pretty good about myself now!

Party in my room tonight!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Look guys, there is an easier way: Just admit defeat, pack up your Humvees and Bradleys, and go home, okay? You do remember the way out, right? Or should we show you to the border?

I'll have my accountants draw up a bill for the mess you made. Is the billing address still 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

Good news in my campaign to be elected governor of California: Bill Simon has dropped out of the race. Obviously he was intimidated by my impressive poll numbers.

My major competition, however, remains Arnold Schwarzenegger and that actress, Mary Carey.

She's quite qood, by the way. I have all her movies. She can do amazing things with a banana.

A guy claiming to be my "personal sorcerer" says I will eventually be found, but already dead.

Hmmm.... I don't think I like the sound of that!

This joker also claims that I'm hiding in Dhulvaiyah. Well, that right there shows you how little he knows!! At the moment, I'm actually staying at the Ritz Carlton in downtown Baghdad.

As a precaution, I AM changing rooms every ten minutes or so. That drives the room service guys nuts because I keep threatening to kill them whenever they're late with my champagne and lobster!! Of course, I'm just funnin' with them.... Most of the time.

Besides, the whole idea of me relying on sorcery is absolutely absurd. I may be brutal, but I am also well educated, and there is no way I way ever rely on stupid sorcerer to give me advice.

Still, I suppose it wouldn't hurt for me to consult with my personal fortune teller, Madame ZuZu. She's Jamaican, wouldn't you know.

Sometimes you never know how much you'll miss something till it's gone....

----------Steve Breen, San Diego Union Tribune

But only temporarily, I assure you.

So let me get this straight: The United States, which invaded Iraq despite opposition from virtually the entire civilized world, NOW wants other nations to contribute troops to help stabilize the country? And they want these foreign troops to take orders from the United States rather than their own governments!?!



Why are other nations being asked to clean up the mess Bush, Rumsfeld, and Cheney created? Is the United States making this request with a straight face? Are drugs involved? Should someone be taking urine samples from those three?



I hate to say this, but the United States is rapidly becoming an out of control drunken gorilla, blundering across the world stage, knocking over furniture and breaking expensive glassware. And sooner or later, he's likely to slip on one of his own discarded banana peels.

Fervent loyalist and faithfull follower Tung Yin writes: Hey Saddamaster, not that you need my approval, but I totally approve of your figuring out how the monstrosity that is Episodes 1 and 2 came about. However, have you given thought also to the bastardized "Special Edition" movies? I mean, if that's legit, why can't you go back and put out a "Special Edition" of Gulf War 2 that "fixes" the . . . uh . . . mistakes(?) that were made?

Don't EVEN get me started on that special edition crap!!! Uh-oh, too late.....

Do you have any idea How many different versions of the three original Star Wars movies I have? Four!!! Like I don't have enough stuff to haul around in my non-descript 1973 Chevy Vega, I gotta drag twelve different slightly different versions of the same damn movies around with me! And the whole thing is just a scam perpetrated by Hollywood to get more money out of the poor saps that keep buying the stupid things. Hell, they may as well just stick a vacuum cleaner into my back pocket and suck the cash directly out of my wallet!! Actually, that might not be too bad if they would occasionally move the hose around to the front of my pants....

I'm not even sure what different ones I have. I know I have the original trilogy individually. Then I bought them as "deluxe" boxed sets (one pan & scan, the other wide-screen). THEN they came out with the Special Editions, which were digitally remastered AND had "never before seen" additional footage.

It's no wonder George Lucas can afford the taxes on that Skywalker Ranch of his.

And while we're on the subject, what is the deal with that Jar-Jar Binks? How did George Lucas go from creating the very macho Han Solo, to coming up with the inane Jar-Jar!?!?! He reminds me of some Episcopalian bishops I know.

As far as rewriting history, who do you think I am? Arnold Schwarzenegger? I can't just hop into a time machine and transport myself back naked into the middle of a desert. And then what would I do? Warn my younger self not to f*ck with anyone named President Bush?

Besides, standing around naked in the middle of a desert can get you sunburned on some VERY important parts!

I have decided that I need my own theme song. You know, something that will play in the background whenever I walk into a room.

I got the idea from recently watching the Star Wars trilogy again. You may recall that in the last two films of the series (Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) Darth Vader had his own special theme that would blare forth from the screen in glorious chest-thumping Dolby Digital Surround Sound whenever he appeared on the screen.

And I already see you squirming in your seats, getting ready to correct me. Before you do so, and thus sentence yourselves to a slow, hideous death brought on by the systematic removal of non-essential body parts, let me say that I am aware of the existence of the movies Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. However, those are nothing more than wortheless pieces of crap, and are NOT worthy of the Star Wars name. I strongly suspect that the ORIGINAL George Lucas, who made the original and ACTUAL Star Wars trilogy, was at some point replaced by an inferior alien pod version. At least that's the only logical explanation I can come up with for the existence of Phantom Menace and Clones.

Rest assured that when I take over America and create United States of Saddam, I will get to the bottom of what's going on. Hopefully I will able to do so before the next alleged Star Wars installment comes out.

Anyway, my theme song..... You will recall that Darth Vader's personal theme was quite sinister sounding. That is certainly appropriate to his persona. And quite frankly, that is the most important aspect of personal theme music: It has to be appropriate to the person it is associated with.

That is why my personal theme song will be the Bee Gees' Staying Alive. However, I will dispense with the white polyester suit. I have already inked the deal, and under the terms of the contract, I just have to pay the surviving Gibb brothers a nickel every time I elude capture.

As of noon today, I owe them $137,687.35.

Here's a brilliant idea some boneheaded American came up with: In an effort to further enrage my followers and draw them out into the open, the illegal occupiers of Iraq have decided to print up "Wanted" posters with my head superimposed on women's bodies.

Yeah, that's REAL bright. Just in case the Iraqi people aren't pissed off enough already, let's make 'em even madder so they launch even MORE attacks!!!

Well, that's the kind of stuff you get when you allow former NASA rocket scientists into the CIA.

It is good to know that despite all the bad things that have befallen my people in the last few months, they are still able to recognize irony when it walks up and bites the Americans in the tuckus.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

That explosion at the UN's Baghdad headquarters was particularly distressing to me, mainly because I didn't think of it first. Anarchy and unrest is rapidly spreading throughout my country, and I fear things are drifting out of control. It wouldn't surprise me that if things continue to detoriate at this rate, the United States will be forced to invade Iraq in order to restore law and order.

Oh, wait.... They've already done that!!

So they've arrested my Vice President. Big deal.... I keep hearing they're on the verge of arresting Bush's Vice President, and he's not even on a deck of cards.

Yet.

Okay, so I was a brutal dictator. Big deal. I freely admit that. But at least I was able to keep the damn lights on, and most Iraqis are only now beginning to appreciate that.



Look folks, life is NEVER simple, and anyone who tells you it is, is either a liar or some self-serving self-help guru who's so full of camel crap he can't tell his tuckus from a pile of WMD's. Look at Martha Stewart: She's always telling people how they make a lovely centerpiece out of discarded Kleenexes or some such thing. So you end spending 36 hours building the stupid thing when it would have been a hell of a lot simpler to just go out and buy one.



Assuming, of course, you're the kind of person who uses centerpieces. In which case you probably also make your guests use that stack of matching coasters you have sitting on the end table. And don't EVEN get me started on doilies!!!! If your life is so empty that you sit around worrying about doilies, well, you need to get a life. And one more thing: If you're a man, and your house house has centerpieces and doilies in it, your wife has you more whipped than Ben Affleck is by J. Lo! And if you're an unmarried, single man who frets about coasters, you must be... an Episcopalian bishop.



Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that life is always full of tradeoffs. In this case, the occasional disappearing relative or loved one was the price people paid for a reliable, uninterrupted flow of electrons.

----------Bruce Plante, Chattanooga

Alas, it is with a heavy heart that I greet you this morning. Sadness weighs heavy upon my soul, for I have just learned that my good friend and lifelong source of inspiration, the Great and Glorious Field Marshall Idi Amin Dada, has died. Indeed, Idi set the standard by which all other unmercifully murderous bloodthirsty despotic tyrants are measured. And I am not ashamed to admit that there where some areas where I just couldn't quite equal his many accomplishments. For example, eating the flesh of my victims and keeping their heads in the fridge always seemed a just a tad eccentric to me. I don't care if it does taste like chicken--human flesh just isn't my cup of tea.



I last saw Idi at TerrorCon '97 at the Beirut Hilton. That was a blast (literally)!!! I remember that after a while, the valets got really nervous because so many of the cars they were parking were blowing up!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!



In fact, if you ever want to see a valet piss his pants, here's what you do: When you hand him the carkeys, start running like bloddy hell and jam your fingers in your ears! With a little luck, they'll even drop a load in their shorts! Ah, to be young and foolish again....



Where was I? Oh, right. TerrorCon '97.... Anyway, during Osama's PowerPoint presentation on flight schools, Idi, Yasser Arafat, Charles Taylor, and I went out barhopping. Eventually we picked up some hot chicks and headed back to the hotel for an orgy. And you know what they always say about brothers being popular among women? Well, I found out it was true. Yasser and I just stood there dumbfounded when Taylor and Amin dropped trou and unfurled their, well, what can only be described as "pythons." I mean, don't get me wrong: I'm no little earthworm myself, and I've never had any complaints from the ladies, but those two.... Well, those things just weren't human.



Anyway, you may recall that earlier this year I had a chance to rent a room in Idi's villa. This was back in early March when the Saudis offered me exile. But I decided to pass on it. But don't get me wrong: Amin was a cool guy to hang with for a while, maybe go out on the town with. That sort of thing.



But overall, that lifestyle just wasn't for me. I mean, the occasional loud party punctuated by screaming human sacrifices followed by extravagant cannibalistic feasts was okay now and then. But EVERY frikkin' night?!?! I mean, who did he think he was? Ben Affleck?

Arckieologists.... Arkeologists.... Archeolalalagists.... Those scientists who dig up really old stuff and study them have unearthed ruins that suggest Caligula really was a megalomaniac who thought of himself as some sort of god. The recent discoveries provide new evidence that the late Roman emperor was guilty of lavish extravagances, built outrageously huge palaces to honor himself, and was guilty of all kinds of debauchery.

Yeah? So what?

I hear the United States is having problems getting the electricity turned back on. Too bad. I give it about a week or so before the people become frustrated and start walking around their neighborhoods with rocket propelled grenade launchers.

At least that's how it worked here in Baghdad.

Club? We're supposed to have a club?

----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Gazette

I hear that a massive power outage has hit much of the northeastern United States, including New York city, Cleveland, Detroit, and even parts of Canada.

Gee, all those places and all those people with no electricity! How horrible! How awful!

Oh, and welcome to the club!

Charles Taylor has left Liberia and gone into exile in Nigeria. What an unbelievable, colossal, unmitigated, gigantic pussy!!!



When the going got tough, did I go into exile!?! NO!! Of course not!! Exile is for wimps! I stuck to my guns right here at home!



Well, okay, technically I made everyone ELSE stick to THEIR guns in a suicidal attempt to defend against the Americans while I hid in a bunker, but that's besides the point. I mean, someone HAD to stay behind the lines, supervise our defense, and clean out the bank vaults, right?



What IS important, however, is that I didn't flee my homeland for another country. And while the Americans are claiming victory, that's purely a temporary situation.



Taylor should have simply left his capital, Monrovia, but gone into hiding elsewhere in his country. I mean, give me a break!! If I can hide in the middle of a flat frikkin' desert, surely he can hide in a jungle full of trees and vines and all kinds of other such crap. Granted, I imagine you would have to watch out for man-eating lions and poisonous snakes, but aside from that, hiding for him should have been a breeze!



Then periodically he could have released audiotapes inspiring his supporters and mocking his pursuers! And believe me, when it comes to hobbies, that's a lot more satisfying than something stupid like gardening.... Especially in a desert. You ever trying growing tomatos in bone dry sand under a 60 (celsius) degree sun? Doesn't work, pal.



Taylor would have done well with a recording contract. Everyone knows those people have a real sense of rhythm!



Look at Osama and me! Or is it Osama and I? Whichever it is, we're having a blast! In fact, Sony Music is coming out with a new, digitally remastered 5 CD box set called "Osama and Saddam: The Combined Taunts."



It'll be out in time for Ramadan, so be sure to look for it.

I guess the Americans are really closing in on me with this latest description!

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

I have finally finished reading a VERY informative article from the Washington Post. Took me a while to get through it since it is rather lengthy, and I'm having to move every ten minutes or so. Seems like just about the time I find where I left off, it's time to pack up again! Let me tell you, it's a major pain in the tuckus. Plus with this infernal prostate problem of mine, it takes half an hour just to take a piss.



Moving every ten minutes.... Half an hour to piss.... Do the math on that little dilemma, and I think you'll see why I've been so damn cranky lately. I just hope the Americans don't figure out what that little wet trail in the sand is....



Anyway, back to the Post article: It seems that this entire little debacle the Americans find themselves stuck in can be traced back to a guy named "Joe" from the Central Idiot Agency. He's the one who really pushed the idea that those aluminum tubes were intended to be used as centrifuges for the processing of uranium.



As Allah is my witness: I don't even know what a centrifuge is!!! Is it something like a merry-go-round, with those cutely dressed camels that go up and down on the poles in a vaguely sexually suggestive manner? I swear those tubes were to be used in Falujah in a large scale capital improvement project to install water mains. But now that's not going to happen, which explains why every one there hates the Americans.



Well, okay, they were for water mains AND just maybe for a rocket or two.... hundred. But with good old-fashinoned conventional explosive warheads!! I could have those, right?



But even when ALL the other hundreds of thousands of experts said those tubes were NOT suitable for use as merry-go-rounds, this "Joe" guy kept insisting that they were!! His was a lone voice in the desert!



So who do Powell, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Wolfowitz, and the other seven members of the Triumvirate of Evil decide to listen to? The hundreds of thousands of experts who are experts in the area of nuclear weapons, or "Joe," who was probably a janitor at the CIA? Well, "Joe," of course, because he was the only one saying what everyone else wanted to hear.



There is something very seriously wrong with a government that can not tolerate dissent.



Why are you snickering?

Hmmm.... Well, I'm always open to suggestions....

----------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

It seems that my ability to repeatedly elude the pesky Americans is gaining me quite a legion of admirers. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of my many supporters, and I will be available to sign autographs when this is all over.

In the meantime, I'm thinking of running for governor of California. Hell, everyone else is.

----------Oliphant

A number of American soldiers in Iraq have come down with pheumonia, and the infidel doctors are baffled as to what's causing it. The best advice they can give the occupiers is to avoid "dusty conditions."

Huh?

It's a good thing these doctors aren't rocket scientists.... Then again, maybe they are, which would explain NASA's problems as of late. In case you Americans haven't figured this out yet, my country is a frikkin' desert, okay? By definition it's FULL of dust!!! There is dust everyf*ckingwhere!!! It is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid dust in Iraq!!! Telling someone to avoid dust in a desert is like telling a drowning man to drink 6-8 glasses of water every day to maintain proper hydration!!!

Now, I'm not usually one to give medical advice, but I will in this case, mainly because all my personal physicians have been locked up or killed. So if you want to avoid Pneumonia, here's how:

GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ILLEGAL INFIDEL OCCUPIERS

Please read this article. It's about Iran's nuclear program. Not only is Iranian President Mohammad Khatami bragging about soon developing atomic bombs, he is openly vowing NOT to give up the research.



Do you Americans understand what this means? He is freely ADMITTING that his country has a nuclear program. He's NOT trying to hide it, or deny it, but is flaunting it for all the world to see and behold, much like that little vixen Britney does with her buttocks on those HBO specials.



This means you wouldn't even have to really search for the weapons. It also means you won't have to waste months convincing a reluctant world that Iran has such a program, because they've already come right out and SAID they do! And you know what the best part is? They're RIGHT NEXT DOOR!!!! It's not even like you have to fly halfway around the world; you can just step right over the border and you're there!



So what do you say, guys? Not only haven't you found squat over here, but my scientists are STILL denying that we even had a nukes program. In fact, it's quite understandable how the mistake in intelligence could have happened: I-R-A-Q.... I-R-A-N. See? It's just a one letter difference! So maybe that intelligence that said IraQ had a nuclear research program was SUPPOSED to say IraN had a nuclear research program!! Wouldn't that be a hoot, if it turned out all these thousands of people died over a silly typo!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!



So what do you say, guys? Just get in your humvees, tanks, Bradley fightin' vehicles, & Apache attack helicopters, go zip next door, and pound the holy sh*t out of Tehran for the next couple of months.

With Love,

Saddam

Wonderful news!! I have just learned that Britney Spears, who is one hot mama of an infidel, may be playing Daisy Duke in an upcoming big screen version of The Dukes of Hazzard. Now, my memory's a little fuzzy on this, but I believe this Dukes thing was a TV show about a group of highly sophisticated crime fighters, both intelligently written and finely acted. Kind of like a CSI for the early '80's, if you will.



I am glad Miss Spears is expanding her extensive list of acting credits with such a challenging role. It is time for her to take on a project that does not require her to go traipsing about in tiny little shorts, flaunting her sexuality, causing me to pitch a tent in my pants.

A jacobskie writes: "Highness: I've been watching closely as the forces of law and order have been keeping playing cat and mouse with you for the last months. We all know about the Iraqi advances in science, and also know of your clones. Many have seen them on TV recordings before the war. My questions are: aren't you afraid that they may catch one of your clones and claim he is you?Besides, how do YOU know that you are really Saddam and not one of his thousends of clones? If you're THE ONE, do you plan to start the Jihad and call it "Episode II: The Saddam Clone Wars" ? Please forgive my insolence, sanctity...."

No forgiveness is necessary, Mr. Jacbskie. I like the way you suck up to me, using words like "highness" and "sanctity." After looking those words up in the dictionary, I see that they are complimentery.... Or do I mean complimentary?

Whatever.

It actually doesn't matter whether I am the original Saddam or a clone. You see, that's the whole point of clones! Plus, it makes foursomes with the Dixie Chicks much more interesting!

Now I suppose if you keep cloning clones from clones clone after clone, then at some point they'll start to look fuzzy around the edges. But that is not a concern yet.

I like your title suggestion, but I know George Lucas is VERY protective of his intellectual property. And quite frankly, he's one guy even I won't f*ck with!

My hapless infidel pursuers are becoming ever more desperate in their attmpts to capture me. I mean, I've seen some of the "How Saddam might look now" photos, but this new one REALLY takes the cake.

As I recall, Mad Max had Mel Gibson in it. And when I once said I looked like Mel Gibson with a mustache, a number of you--in total, stupid disregard of your lives--scoffed at me!!

Well, apparently the American military sees the resemblance!

----------Brian Duffy, Des Moines Register

An American colonel is bragging "that the ring is closing." Well, that's nice. But what good is the ring if I'm not inside it when it finally does close?

Maybe he can give it to his wife for her birthday.

Hey, I freely admit that I'm no saint.... Assuming, of course, that we Muslims even have saints. I'll have to run that one by Osama.

Anyway, my point is that I have have done some things that a small minority of the world's population may consider horrible. Nothing serious, but minor stuff like mass murder, torture, an occasional massacre of loud-mouthed Shiites, building weapons of mass destruction (but that was a l-o-n-g time ago; I don't do that one anymore. Really. I swear.) And I used to routinely cheat on my wives with farm animals, but that was easy, because I'd just say I was with a another wife.

But I'm no criminal, and I really resent this accusation:

----------Drew ShenemanNewark Star-Ledger

One of my bolder military moves was to try to create a subterreanean air force and attack the invading infidel hordes from beneath. Had I succeeded in this daring attempt, I would been called a genius and easily won the Nobel War Prize for 2003. Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out as planned.

This is scary: I am actually beginning to believe my own repeated denials about not having weapons of mass destruction!! Wait, no, I mean repeated denials about having weapons of mass destruction.... Because if I deny not having them, that means I do have them, right? Kind of like a double negative cancelling itself out and becoming a positive.

Now I forgot what the hell my point was.....

Oh, right.... The Coalition intruders have captured many of my top scientists, and everyone one of them denies that my humble peace-loving nation had the alleged nasty weapons. And these are the very people who would know if we did!!

Wouldn't it be a hoot if it turns out I never had the stuff!!

Which, as I've been saying all along, I might not have.