Here's a little quote someone sent me. I believe it comes from the great American philosopher, Forrest Gump. It is a lesson that George Bush should take to heart.
"Life isn't like a box of chocolates ...... It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Here's a little quote someone sent me. I believe it comes from the great American philosopher, Forrest Gump. It is a lesson that George Bush should take to heart.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:00 PM
Saturday, August 30, 2003
You know what I find absolutely hilarious about that Shiite Mosque that was blown up in Najaf? Besides the fact that it was Shiite, I mean.... Some weeks ago the Shiites had demanded that the US pull back and respect the holiness, sacredness, sanctity, and all that kind of stuff, of their religious sites. So the US, because they were trying to be nice (Big mistake: You can NOT, under ANY circumstances, be nice to Shiites), did so.
Now that the mosque has been blown up, the Shiites are criticizing the Americans for not providing proper security of their religious crap!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I'm sorry, but this is just TOO funny!
Someone should tell Alanis Morissette about this. Maybe she can use it when she corrects all the non-ironic situations in her song "Ironic?"
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 11:44 PM
----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 5:24 AM
Friday, August 29, 2003
There are disturbing reports that the wreckage of the Titanic is rapidly disintegrating. Well, why doesn't the United just go rebuild it? After all, they're doing such a fabulous job with Iraq!!
That reminds me.... I haven't watched the movie Titanic in over a year now. Maybe I'll do that tonight, but only if I'm alone. I always end up crying at the end, and I don't want people to see that. But really, if you think about it, why does Jack have to die? He and Rose were so very much in love, and then, to have that beautiful love torn asunder.... I don't even like to think about it, it's so horribly tragic. Such a meaningless waste of human life.
When I take over the United States, I'm going to have James Cameron redo the end of the movie, to make it more dramatic and less sappy.
Here's one possible new ending: After the ship sinks, Jack can rescue Rose from a vicious shark attack. Then they'll make mad, passionate love in the water, with all the other dead bodies floating around.
What can I say? I'm just a hopeless romantic!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:08 PM
Here's another absolutely hilarious story out of London: It seems the city was briefly paralyzed by a massive power outage!
This just further proves my point that Tony Blair is nothing more than Bush's little lapdog, following him around, hoping to somehow please his master so he can get another doggy biscuit, and occasionally taking a leak on some defenseless fire hydrant.
First Bush has to attack Iraq, so then Blair decides he wants to come along, too. Then America has a great big power outage, so now England has to have one, too! Those British are so pathetically predictable!
Between you and me, it makes me just a little jealous.... I wish I had had a pet that devoted when I was growing up.... Who knows? Perhaps I would have turned out differently.....
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:06 AM
Thursday, August 28, 2003
For those of you who read Lt. Smash: Live from the Sandbox, he's home. I'll let you in on a little secret: I enjoyed reading his site, and yes, I'm actually glad he made it home in one piece.
My only regret is that he didn't take the rest of his 125,000 buddies with him, but I guess the space in those overhead storage bins is somewhat limited.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 12:22 PM
Holy mother of Allah!! Look at the size of those feet!! It's truly no wonder Bush is so popular.
----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:09 AM
Have you had a chance to see Mars? It's less only 56 million kilometers from Earth and is quite spectacular. They say this is the closest it's been to us in 60,000 years!
I'm hiding there now.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 4:35 AM
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
In an interview with the Washington Post, usually a well-respected leftist publication which nonetheless supported the totally unnecessary, wholly illegal, and completely bogus invasion of my (mostly) peaceful nation which only very rarely and then only on a highly occasional basis, launched unwarranted attacks on its neighbors.....
Um..... Now I forgot what I was going to say.....
Oh, right! Paul Bremer, in an interview with the Post, now admits that it will take "tens of billions" of dollars to rebuild Iraq.
Well, Mr. Paul, that may be true in terms of rebuilding everything ONCE. But in reality, it's going to cost much, much more than that. You see, as soon as you rebuild something and move onto something else, we're going to come along behind you and blow the first thing up again. Then, when you finish with the second thing, and go back you rebuild the first thing a second time, we're going to blow up the SECOND thing while you're busy with the first thing.
And while you're making yourselves dizzy scurrying back and forth between things one and two, things three, four, five, six, and seven are still going to be lying there in great big ol' heaps of rubble.
And who's going to be paying for this eternal reconstruction project? Hey, don't look at us. We're not the ones who decided to come in here and bomb ourselves into the stone age last spring! It's like your mom always said: You made the mess; you clean it up. And YOU pay for it!
Sounds like fun, eh?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:16 PM
Remember when I was complaining about all the different editions of Star Wars that have come out over the years? Well, George Lucas isn't the only one who is after the contents of my genuine camel hide wallet. Now comes word that there is a new, "double-secret probation" edition of Animal House coming out! Of course, like all special editions, it has never before seen footage and remastered 5.1 digital dolby THX stereo crap.
Digital dolby, my ass. If you want realistic sound effects, try having a 1,000 pound JDAM bomb go off in the next room. Now THAT'S some kick-ass digital 5.1 whatever the hell.
And of course I'll have to buy it, because my existing copy will now be obsolete. Plus, Animal House IS one of my favorite movies. Reminds me of my wild college days at UIM (University of Iraq at Mosul).
I remember this wild toga party we had one night.... We got so totally wasted, we started firing rocket propelled grenades at the other frat houses. Then campus police showed up and told us to keep it down, and we ended up taking them hostage!
So the next day, the Dean finds out about all the shenanigans, and tries to suspend us. So what do we do? We blow up his office!!!
Ah, to be young again.....
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
It occurs to me that the leader of Libya is Colonel Moammar Gaddafi.
Shouldn't he be at least a General? After all, he IS the leader of a country. Better yet, a "Field Marshal," like Idi was. At least, I think Field Marshals outrank Generals. And what happens if he accidentally promotes someone to General? Wouldn't he then be outranked by someone under him? Then what happens? Is he still ruler?
I'll have to ask Mo about this the next time we have tea.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 10:42 PM
Never should have gone down that road in the first place.....
----------Stahler, Cincinnati Post
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 12:14 AM
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Now another piece of Bush's justification for war has been discreditted. Remember those drones, the ones supposedly intended for use in dispersing chmical agents? They were merely intended to be used for reconnaissance! I tried telling that to anyone who would listen, but no one would. They were too busy bitchin' and moanin' about how I was an "imminent threat."
What a load of composted camel crap!!! I wouldn't hurt a flea!
Granted, I love to kill Kurds and Shiites by the thousands, but I would never hurt a flea.
----------David Horsey, Seattle Post Intelligencer
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 11:19 PM
Well, well, well..... Now some people are saying that half a million troops will be needed to bring Iraq under control. WOW!!! Now that's impressive! I'm starting to feel pretty good about myself now!
Party in my room tonight!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Look guys, there is an easier way: Just admit defeat, pack up your Humvees and Bradleys, and go home, okay? You do remember the way out, right? Or should we show you to the border?
I'll have my accountants draw up a bill for the mess you made. Is the billing address still 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:45 PM
Saturday, August 23, 2003
Good news in my campaign to be elected governor of California: Bill Simon has dropped out of the race. Obviously he was intimidated by my impressive poll numbers.
My major competition, however, remains Arnold Schwarzenegger and that actress, Mary Carey.
She's quite qood, by the way. I have all her movies. She can do amazing things with a banana.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:27 PM
Friday, August 22, 2003
A guy claiming to be my "personal sorcerer" says I will eventually be found, but already dead.
Hmmm.... I don't think I like the sound of that!
This joker also claims that I'm hiding in Dhulvaiyah. Well, that right there shows you how little he knows!! At the moment, I'm actually staying at the Ritz Carlton in downtown Baghdad.
As a precaution, I AM changing rooms every ten minutes or so. That drives the room service guys nuts because I keep threatening to kill them whenever they're late with my champagne and lobster!! Of course, I'm just funnin' with them.... Most of the time.
Besides, the whole idea of me relying on sorcery is absolutely absurd. I may be brutal, but I am also well educated, and there is no way I way ever rely on stupid sorcerer to give me advice.
Still, I suppose it wouldn't hurt for me to consult with my personal fortune teller, Madame ZuZu. She's Jamaican, wouldn't you know.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 10:32 PM
Sometimes you never know how much you'll miss something till it's gone....
----------Steve Breen, San Diego Union Tribune
But only temporarily, I assure you.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:40 PM
So let me get this straight: The United States, which invaded Iraq despite opposition from virtually the entire civilized world, NOW wants other nations to contribute troops to help stabilize the country? And they want these foreign troops to take orders from the United States rather than their own governments!?!
Why are other nations being asked to clean up the mess Bush, Rumsfeld, and Cheney created? Is the United States making this request with a straight face? Are drugs involved? Should someone be taking urine samples from those three?
I hate to say this, but the United States is rapidly becoming an out of control drunken gorilla, blundering across the world stage, knocking over furniture and breaking expensive glassware. And sooner or later, he's likely to slip on one of his own discarded banana peels.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 4:47 AM
Thursday, August 21, 2003
Fervent loyalist and faithfull follower Tung Yin writes: Hey Saddamaster, not that you need my approval, but I totally approve of your figuring out how the monstrosity that is Episodes 1 and 2 came about. However, have you given thought also to the bastardized "Special Edition" movies? I mean, if that's legit, why can't you go back and put out a "Special Edition" of Gulf War 2 that "fixes" the . . . uh . . . mistakes(?) that were made?
Don't EVEN get me started on that special edition crap!!! Uh-oh, too late.....
Do you have any idea How many different versions of the three original Star Wars movies I have? Four!!! Like I don't have enough stuff to haul around in my non-descript 1973 Chevy Vega, I gotta drag twelve different slightly different versions of the same damn movies around with me! And the whole thing is just a scam perpetrated by Hollywood to get more money out of the poor saps that keep buying the stupid things. Hell, they may as well just stick a vacuum cleaner into my back pocket and suck the cash directly out of my wallet!! Actually, that might not be too bad if they would occasionally move the hose around to the front of my pants....
I'm not even sure what different ones I have. I know I have the original trilogy individually. Then I bought them as "deluxe" boxed sets (one pan & scan, the other wide-screen). THEN they came out with the Special Editions, which were digitally remastered AND had "never before seen" additional footage.
It's no wonder George Lucas can afford the taxes on that Skywalker Ranch of his.
And while we're on the subject, what is the deal with that Jar-Jar Binks? How did George Lucas go from creating the very macho Han Solo, to coming up with the inane Jar-Jar!?!?! He reminds me of some Episcopalian bishops I know.
As far as rewriting history, who do you think I am? Arnold Schwarzenegger? I can't just hop into a time machine and transport myself back naked into the middle of a desert. And then what would I do? Warn my younger self not to f*ck with anyone named President Bush?
Besides, standing around naked in the middle of a desert can get you sunburned on some VERY important parts!
I have decided that I need my own theme song. You know, something that will play in the background whenever I walk into a room.
I got the idea from recently watching the Star Wars trilogy again. You may recall that in the last two films of the series (Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) Darth Vader had his own special theme that would blare forth from the screen in glorious chest-thumping Dolby Digital Surround Sound whenever he appeared on the screen.
And I already see you squirming in your seats, getting ready to correct me. Before you do so, and thus sentence yourselves to a slow, hideous death brought on by the systematic removal of non-essential body parts, let me say that I am aware of the existence of the movies Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. However, those are nothing more than wortheless pieces of crap, and are NOT worthy of the Star Wars name. I strongly suspect that the ORIGINAL George Lucas, who made the original and ACTUAL Star Wars trilogy, was at some point replaced by an inferior alien pod version. At least that's the only logical explanation I can come up with for the existence of Phantom Menace and Clones.
Rest assured that when I take over America and create United States of Saddam, I will get to the bottom of what's going on. Hopefully I will able to do so before the next alleged Star Wars installment comes out.
Anyway, my theme song..... You will recall that Darth Vader's personal theme was quite sinister sounding. That is certainly appropriate to his persona. And quite frankly, that is the most important aspect of personal theme music: It has to be appropriate to the person it is associated with.
That is why my personal theme song will be the Bee Gees' Staying Alive. However, I will dispense with the white polyester suit. I have already inked the deal, and under the terms of the contract, I just have to pay the surviving Gibb brothers a nickel every time I elude capture.
As of noon today, I owe them $137,687.35.
Here's a brilliant idea some boneheaded American came up with: In an effort to further enrage my followers and draw them out into the open, the illegal occupiers of Iraq have decided to print up "Wanted" posters with my head superimposed on women's bodies.
Yeah, that's REAL bright. Just in case the Iraqi people aren't pissed off enough already, let's make 'em even madder so they launch even MORE attacks!!!
Well, that's the kind of stuff you get when you allow former NASA rocket scientists into the CIA.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 4:03 AM
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
It is good to know that despite all the bad things that have befallen my people in the last few months, they are still able to recognize irony when it walks up and bites the Americans in the tuckus.
----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 10:07 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
That explosion at the UN's Baghdad headquarters was particularly distressing to me, mainly because I didn't think of it first. Anarchy and unrest is rapidly spreading throughout my country, and I fear things are drifting out of control. It wouldn't surprise me that if things continue to detoriate at this rate, the United States will be forced to invade Iraq in order to restore law and order.
Oh, wait.... They've already done that!!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:56 PM
Monday, August 18, 2003
Okay, so I was a brutal dictator. Big deal. I freely admit that. But at least I was able to keep the damn lights on, and most Iraqis are only now beginning to appreciate that.
Look folks, life is NEVER simple, and anyone who tells you it is, is either a liar or some self-serving self-help guru who's so full of camel crap he can't tell his tuckus from a pile of WMD's. Look at Martha Stewart: She's always telling people how they make a lovely centerpiece out of discarded Kleenexes or some such thing. So you end spending 36 hours building the stupid thing when it would have been a hell of a lot simpler to just go out and buy one.
Assuming, of course, you're the kind of person who uses centerpieces. In which case you probably also make your guests use that stack of matching coasters you have sitting on the end table. And don't EVEN get me started on doilies!!!! If your life is so empty that you sit around worrying about doilies, well, you need to get a life. And one more thing: If you're a man, and your house house has centerpieces and doilies in it, your wife has you more whipped than Ben Affleck is by J. Lo! And if you're an unmarried, single man who frets about coasters, you must be... an Episcopalian bishop.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that life is always full of tradeoffs. In this case, the occasional disappearing relative or loved one was the price people paid for a reliable, uninterrupted flow of electrons.
----------Bruce Plante, Chattanooga
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 6:47 PM
Sunday, August 17, 2003
Alas, it is with a heavy heart that I greet you this morning. Sadness weighs heavy upon my soul, for I have just learned that my good friend and lifelong source of inspiration, the Great and Glorious Field Marshall Idi Amin Dada, has died. Indeed, Idi set the standard by which all other unmercifully murderous bloodthirsty despotic tyrants are measured. And I am not ashamed to admit that there where some areas where I just couldn't quite equal his many accomplishments. For example, eating the flesh of my victims and keeping their heads in the fridge always seemed a just a tad eccentric to me. I don't care if it does taste like chicken--human flesh just isn't my cup of tea.
I last saw Idi at TerrorCon '97 at the Beirut Hilton. That was a blast (literally)!!! I remember that after a while, the valets got really nervous because so many of the cars they were parking were blowing up!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!
In fact, if you ever want to see a valet piss his pants, here's what you do: When you hand him the carkeys, start running like bloddy hell and jam your fingers in your ears! With a little luck, they'll even drop a load in their shorts! Ah, to be young and foolish again....
Where was I? Oh, right. TerrorCon '97.... Anyway, during Osama's PowerPoint presentation on flight schools, Idi, Yasser Arafat, Charles Taylor, and I went out barhopping. Eventually we picked up some hot chicks and headed back to the hotel for an orgy. And you know what they always say about brothers being popular among women? Well, I found out it was true. Yasser and I just stood there dumbfounded when Taylor and Amin dropped trou and unfurled their, well, what can only be described as "pythons." I mean, don't get me wrong: I'm no little earthworm myself, and I've never had any complaints from the ladies, but those two.... Well, those things just weren't human.
Anyway, you may recall that earlier this year I had a chance to rent a room in Idi's villa. This was back in early March when the Saudis offered me exile. But I decided to pass on it. But don't get me wrong: Amin was a cool guy to hang with for a while, maybe go out on the town with. That sort of thing.
But overall, that lifestyle just wasn't for me. I mean, the occasional loud party punctuated by screaming human sacrifices followed by extravagant cannibalistic feasts was okay now and then. But EVERY frikkin' night?!?! I mean, who did he think he was? Ben Affleck?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:14 AM
Saturday, August 16, 2003
Arckieologists.... Arkeologists.... Archeolalalagists.... Those scientists who dig up really old stuff and study them have unearthed ruins that suggest Caligula really was a megalomaniac who thought of himself as some sort of god. The recent discoveries provide new evidence that the late Roman emperor was guilty of lavish extravagances, built outrageously huge palaces to honor himself, and was guilty of all kinds of debauchery.
Yeah? So what?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 4:53 PM
Friday, August 15, 2003
I hear the United States is having problems getting the electricity turned back on. Too bad. I give it about a week or so before the people become frustrated and start walking around their neighborhoods with rocket propelled grenade launchers.
At least that's how it worked here in Baghdad.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 8:18 PM
Club? We're supposed to have a club?
----------Joe Heller, Green Bay Gazette
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 8:15 PM
I hear that a massive power outage has hit much of the northeastern United States, including New York city, Cleveland, Detroit, and even parts of Canada.
Gee, all those places and all those people with no electricity! How horrible! How awful!
Oh, and welcome to the club!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:23 AM
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Charles Taylor has left Liberia and gone into exile in Nigeria. What an unbelievable, colossal, unmitigated, gigantic pussy!!!
When the going got tough, did I go into exile!?! NO!! Of course not!! Exile is for wimps! I stuck to my guns right here at home!
Well, okay, technically I made everyone ELSE stick to THEIR guns in a suicidal attempt to defend against the Americans while I hid in a bunker, but that's besides the point. I mean, someone HAD to stay behind the lines, supervise our defense, and clean out the bank vaults, right?
What IS important, however, is that I didn't flee my homeland for another country. And while the Americans are claiming victory, that's purely a temporary situation.
Taylor should have simply left his capital, Monrovia, but gone into hiding elsewhere in his country. I mean, give me a break!! If I can hide in the middle of a flat frikkin' desert, surely he can hide in a jungle full of trees and vines and all kinds of other such crap. Granted, I imagine you would have to watch out for man-eating lions and poisonous snakes, but aside from that, hiding for him should have been a breeze!
Then periodically he could have released audiotapes inspiring his supporters and mocking his pursuers! And believe me, when it comes to hobbies, that's a lot more satisfying than something stupid like gardening.... Especially in a desert. You ever trying growing tomatos in bone dry sand under a 60 (celsius) degree sun? Doesn't work, pal.
Taylor would have done well with a recording contract. Everyone knows those people have a real sense of rhythm!
Look at Osama and me! Or is it Osama and I? Whichever it is, we're having a blast! In fact, Sony Music is coming out with a new, digitally remastered 5 CD box set called "Osama and Saddam: The Combined Taunts."
It'll be out in time for Ramadan, so be sure to look for it.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:41 PM
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I guess the Americans are really closing in on me with this latest description!
----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:20 PM
I have finally finished reading a VERY informative article from the Washington Post. Took me a while to get through it since it is rather lengthy, and I'm having to move every ten minutes or so. Seems like just about the time I find where I left off, it's time to pack up again! Let me tell you, it's a major pain in the tuckus. Plus with this infernal prostate problem of mine, it takes half an hour just to take a piss.
Moving every ten minutes.... Half an hour to piss.... Do the math on that little dilemma, and I think you'll see why I've been so damn cranky lately. I just hope the Americans don't figure out what that little wet trail in the sand is....
Anyway, back to the Post article: It seems that this entire little debacle the Americans find themselves stuck in can be traced back to a guy named "Joe" from the Central Idiot Agency. He's the one who really pushed the idea that those aluminum tubes were intended to be used as centrifuges for the processing of uranium.
As Allah is my witness: I don't even know what a centrifuge is!!! Is it something like a merry-go-round, with those cutely dressed camels that go up and down on the poles in a vaguely sexually suggestive manner? I swear those tubes were to be used in Falujah in a large scale capital improvement project to install water mains. But now that's not going to happen, which explains why every one there hates the Americans.
Well, okay, they were for water mains AND just maybe for a rocket or two.... hundred. But with good old-fashinoned conventional explosive warheads!! I could have those, right?
But even when ALL the other hundreds of thousands of experts said those tubes were NOT suitable for use as merry-go-rounds, this "Joe" guy kept insisting that they were!! His was a lone voice in the desert!
So who do Powell, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Wolfowitz, and the other seven members of the Triumvirate of Evil decide to listen to? The hundreds of thousands of experts who are experts in the area of nuclear weapons, or "Joe," who was probably a janitor at the CIA? Well, "Joe," of course, because he was the only one saying what everyone else wanted to hear.
There is something very seriously wrong with a government that can not tolerate dissent.
Why are you snickering?
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 1:38 AM
Saturday, August 09, 2003
Friday, August 08, 2003
It seems that my ability to repeatedly elude the pesky Americans is gaining me quite a legion of admirers. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of my many supporters, and I will be available to sign autographs when this is all over.
In the meantime, I'm thinking of running for governor of California. Hell, everyone else is.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 8:25 PM
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 3:56 AM
Thursday, August 07, 2003
A number of American soldiers in Iraq have come down with pheumonia, and the infidel doctors are baffled as to what's causing it. The best advice they can give the occupiers is to avoid "dusty conditions."
It's a good thing these doctors aren't rocket scientists.... Then again, maybe they are, which would explain NASA's problems as of late. In case you Americans haven't figured this out yet, my country is a frikkin' desert, okay? By definition it's FULL of dust!!! There is dust everyf*ckingwhere!!! It is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid dust in Iraq!!! Telling someone to avoid dust in a desert is like telling a drowning man to drink 6-8 glasses of water every day to maintain proper hydration!!!
Now, I'm not usually one to give medical advice, but I will in this case, mainly because all my personal physicians have been locked up or killed. So if you want to avoid Pneumonia, here's how:
----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 10:15 PM
Please read this article. It's about Iran's nuclear program. Not only is Iranian President Mohammad Khatami bragging about soon developing atomic bombs, he is openly vowing NOT to give up the research.
Do you Americans understand what this means? He is freely ADMITTING that his country has a nuclear program. He's NOT trying to hide it, or deny it, but is flaunting it for all the world to see and behold, much like that little vixen Britney does with her buttocks on those HBO specials.
This means you wouldn't even have to really search for the weapons. It also means you won't have to waste months convincing a reluctant world that Iran has such a program, because they've already come right out and SAID they do! And you know what the best part is? They're RIGHT NEXT DOOR!!!! It's not even like you have to fly halfway around the world; you can just step right over the border and you're there!
So what do you say, guys? Not only haven't you found squat over here, but my scientists are STILL denying that we even had a nukes program. In fact, it's quite understandable how the mistake in intelligence could have happened: I-R-A-Q.... I-R-A-N. See? It's just a one letter difference! So maybe that intelligence that said IraQ had a nuclear research program was SUPPOSED to say IraN had a nuclear research program!! Wouldn't that be a hoot, if it turned out all these thousands of people died over a silly typo!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
So what do you say, guys? Just get in your humvees, tanks, Bradley fightin' vehicles, & Apache attack helicopters, go zip next door, and pound the holy sh*t out of Tehran for the next couple of months.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 2:02 AM
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Wonderful news!! I have just learned that Britney Spears, who is one hot mama of an infidel, may be playing Daisy Duke in an upcoming big screen version of The Dukes of Hazzard. Now, my memory's a little fuzzy on this, but I believe this Dukes thing was a TV show about a group of highly sophisticated crime fighters, both intelligently written and finely acted. Kind of like a CSI for the early '80's, if you will.
I am glad Miss Spears is expanding her extensive list of acting credits with such a challenging role. It is time for her to take on a project that does not require her to go traipsing about in tiny little shorts, flaunting her sexuality, causing me to pitch a tent in my pants.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 12:37 PM
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
A jacobskie writes: "Highness: I've been watching closely as the forces of law and order have been keeping playing cat and mouse with you for the last months. We all know about the Iraqi advances in science, and also know of your clones. Many have seen them on TV recordings before the war. My questions are: aren't you afraid that they may catch one of your clones and claim he is you?Besides, how do YOU know that you are really Saddam and not one of his thousends of clones? If you're THE ONE, do you plan to start the Jihad and call it "Episode II: The Saddam Clone Wars" ? Please forgive my insolence, sanctity...."
No forgiveness is necessary, Mr. Jacbskie. I like the way you suck up to me, using words like "highness" and "sanctity." After looking those words up in the dictionary, I see that they are complimentery.... Or do I mean complimentary?
It actually doesn't matter whether I am the original Saddam or a clone. You see, that's the whole point of clones! Plus, it makes foursomes with the Dixie Chicks much more interesting!
Now I suppose if you keep cloning clones from clones clone after clone, then at some point they'll start to look fuzzy around the edges. But that is not a concern yet.
I like your title suggestion, but I know George Lucas is VERY protective of his intellectual property. And quite frankly, he's one guy even I won't f*ck with!
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 11:10 AM
Monday, August 04, 2003
As I recall, Mad Max had Mel Gibson in it. And when I once said I looked like Mel Gibson with a mustache, a number of you--in total, stupid disregard of your lives--scoffed at me!!
Well, apparently the American military sees the resemblance!
----------Brian Duffy, Des Moines Register
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 9:28 PM
Saturday, August 02, 2003
Hey, I freely admit that I'm no saint.... Assuming, of course, that we Muslims even have saints. I'll have to run that one by Osama.
Anyway, my point is that I have have done some things that a small minority of the world's population may consider horrible. Nothing serious, but minor stuff like mass murder, torture, an occasional massacre of loud-mouthed Shiites, building weapons of mass destruction (but that was a l-o-n-g time ago; I don't do that one anymore. Really. I swear.) And I used to routinely cheat on my wives with farm animals, but that was easy, because I'd just say I was with a another wife.
But I'm no criminal, and I really resent this accusation:
----------Drew ShenemanNewark Star-Ledger
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:52 PM
Friday, August 01, 2003
One of my bolder military moves was to try to create a subterreanean air force and attack the invading infidel hordes from beneath. Had I succeeded in this daring attempt, I would been called a genius and easily won the Nobel War Prize for 2003. Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out as planned.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 7:06 PM
This is scary: I am actually beginning to believe my own repeated denials about not having weapons of mass destruction!! Wait, no, I mean repeated denials about having weapons of mass destruction.... Because if I deny not having them, that means I do have them, right? Kind of like a double negative cancelling itself out and becoming a positive.
Now I forgot what the hell my point was.....
Oh, right.... The Coalition intruders have captured many of my top scientists, and everyone one of them denies that my humble peace-loving nation had the alleged nasty weapons. And these are the very people who would know if we did!!
Wouldn't it be a hoot if it turns out I never had the stuff!!
Which, as I've been saying all along, I might not have.
---Posted by Saddam "I Wish to Negotiate" Hussein at 12:55 PM