Sunday, March 30, 2003

My longtime Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz and I just finished up an all night meeting. We have been discussing the current progress of the war, its likely outcome, and our future prospects. We also tried to contact UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, but international phone calls are difficult when one is forced to communicate using tin cans and string. Anyway, I personally feel the UN is worthless and we should go it alone. Tariq, on the other hand, feels that the cooperation of other nations is essential for success.

But the real question is, just how long will our forces have to occupy a postwar United States? It will undoubtedly end up being an open ended commitment, depending on how long it takes autocracy to take root in that troubled nation.

We will probably put Republican Guard forces in charge of areas east of the Mississippi River, while units from the Fedayeen Militia will have responsibility for areas to the west. Our seat of government will be in San Francisco, which is already a bastion of support for us.

One sticking point: No one wants New Jersey.

On the way out the door, Tariq suggested that I bury Uday, who remains dead and is beginning to smell just a bit.

Now, if it had been anyone else making such a suggestion, I would have shot them on the spot. But Tariq and I go back a long time, and he is among my most trusted advisors and loyal friends. His judgement is impeccable. I fully appreciate the fact that he would disagree with me only if he were 100% certain of his position.

In light of all that, I decided to merely pistol whip him until he screamed like a camel in heat. Then I pistol whipped him some more.