Thursday, July 31, 2003

HEY!!! Who let that crazy Korean fruitcake in here!?!?!

Someone count the silverware after he leaves. I don't trust him.

And count the canisters of Sarin gas also. Um, what I mean is that someone should count the canisters of Sarin if we actually had any, which we don't.

We may have have had some Sarin a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, but that was destroyed years ago in compliance with United Nations resolutions. Really. I swear. Cross my heart and hope to die!!

Oops.... Bad choice of words on my part!

The Americans say that they have intelligence that our nuclear research labs in Wang Bang Bing Bong are trying to design warheads that will fit on our existing missiles.

Now, I must admit to be being curious. Are these the same intelligence sources that did such a fabulous job finding Saddam's weapons of mass destruction? Because if that's the case, I'm off the hook. No one's ever going to believe those guys again!

Well, it's almost dinner time. I'm having dog soup.

Life is good.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Reader and loyal disciple Tung writes: Your Saddamness, I don't know if you read the infidel newswires, but I saw this story (about the audiotape you just released). "The speaker also called the deaths of Odai and Qusai 'good news, that is the hope of every fighter for God's sake, as another group of noble souls of the martyrs have ascended to their creator.'" I don't know who this idiot is who claims to be you, but he sounds really stupid. I mean, it sounds like he and the infidels are after the same goal -- the death of you and all of your supporters.

Er, that is, I'm assuming the tapes are NOT you. After all, why would you need to release tapes when you've got your blog?

Well, first of all thank you for writing, Tung. It is truly brave of you to commit such a public act of suicide, for that tape was indeed me!

Look, I am a very talented, multi-faceted artist who does not like to confine his work to merely one medium. You get pigeonholed quite easily that way, and once you're pigeonholed, it's much easier for the unholy Coalition forces to reach in and grab you by the cahones. In my case, that would still be difficult, since I have enormous cahones. They're the size of basketballs. Except kind of greasy, so they're hard to grip. Still, I don't want to take the chance.

Nevertheless, I appreciate your feedback. I haven't shot anyone all day.

The Pentagon, which is also the symbol for Satan, says that the "noose is tightening around Saddam."

Well, that's nice, but what good is a noose if you don't have a neck to put it around?

I just came across this article saying that extensive radar and sonar searches have failed to turn up the Loch Ness Monster.

Well, it's really no wonder that no one can find ol' Nessie. He's with me!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Monday, July 28, 2003

So I'm driving along the Iraq Turnpike--formerly the Saddam Turnpike--in my '73 Chevy Vega with the fuzzy dice gently swinging back & forth from the rearview mirror when I come to a tollbooth. Since the 3rd Infantry Armored Division is practically right my rear bumper, I'm in just a bit of a hurry. I decide to get in the exact change lane.

Naturally enough, it turns out the guy in front of me doesn't have the exact change. Now I ask you, dear reader and devoted Saddam minion: Why does this only happen when I'm in a hurry!?!? It never happens when I'm on my way to something like a wedding or a massacre that wouldn't dare start without me. No, it only happens when I'm genuinely rushed.

Well, being a type A personality, it goes without saying that I blew my horn at the idiot. And what does he do?

He flips me off!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, this was not smartest decision this moron ever made in his suddenly abbreviated life.

Seriously: It is not wise to make obscene gestures towards other drivers, especially when you're the one who is in the wrong. You have no idea who that other person is. I mean, how would you feel if you later find out you just flipped your dear sweet grandmother the bird? Of course you'd feel bad! That's understandable. But I'm betting you wouldn't feel quite as bad as you would upon discovering that you just told a ruthless, homicidal, world-famous dictator who routinely carries a rocket propelled grenade launcher in his glovebox, and is desperately fleeing for his life, to go go f*ck himself.

I'm betting you would feel real REAL bad upon learning that.

Needless to say, I'm now scraping the other guy's bady parts off my windshield.

You know what's really bugging me? It's been almost three weeks now since Bush gave gave Liberia's Charles Taylor 48 hours to get out of his country. Fair enough. Allah knows I've encountered that particular policy myself.

However, that deadline has now come and gone some ten times over. Not only is Taylor still in power, but Bush hasn't done anything about it!! No cruise missiles or 2000 pound JDAM's reducing his treetop thatch bunker to kindling!! On the other hand, when my 48 hours was up, I barely had time to change the sand in my shorts before the Tomahawks came a-knockin' on my bunker door. Now does that seem right to you? It better not, because it stinks to high heaven for me, and if you disagree, you and I are going to have to talk.

My point is merely that if you're going to go around giving every ruthless dictator and his family 48 hours to get out of town, you had better be prepared to enforce the deadline equally.

Otherwise, you might lose your credibility (pause for uproarious laughter here).

I'm sure Bush has his reasons for treating our cases differently. Personally, I think it's a racial thing. After all, one man's affirmitive action is another's reverse discrimination.

I am almost beginning to feel sorry for the American occupiers. They work so very hard at finding me, yet they always keep coming up empty. Sure, they come across clues that I had just been somewhere mere hours before--dirty laundry, empty gum wrappers, puddles of chewing tobacco spit, mustache clippings, crinkled Dixie Chicks posters with unidentifiable stains on them, used condoms--but never me, myself, or I!! I imagine it must be quite frustrating!! If they weren't in my country illegally, tearing my sh*t up, and making an unbelievable mess of things, I might just be willing to shed a tear for them.

Did I just say that? I must be getting soft in my old age. Um, I mean, my young age. I'm only 39. Really. What? You don't believe me? Maybe you'd like to come over here and correct me to my face? Oh, wait.... you'd have to find me first!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! You silly infidel ninnies do amuse me at times.

Granted, they did find my sons, but those idiots deserved to be found. What in Allah's name were they doing cruising around Mosul in a frikkin' BMW, for Christ's sakes!?! I mean, for Mohammad's sakes!?! Most people in this country ride mules and camels, and they're laying rubber up and down crowded city streets in a finely crafted expensive German driving machine, trying to pick up chicks!?! No wonder they were recognized!

Now me, I blend right in with this '73 Chevy Vega. And the constant cloud of smoke spewing out the tail pipe serves to further obscure my true whereabouts.

Anyway, the Americans have searching for me all day long in Tikrit and coming up empty. Oh well. Such is life when you're part of an unwelcome illegal occupying force.

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Saturday, July 26, 2003

Let me throw out a purely hypothetical situation for you: Say I do, in fact, end up being captured (Not that anything is imminent). What will I be charged with? Being a mean and nasty leader? Well, then shouldn't Castro, Kim jung il, and those older than dirt octagenarians leading China these days also be on trial? As I've said before, I'm a despot. Being oppressive goes with the turf. It's on page 57 of The Official Despot Pocket Guide to Leadership: "You shall brutally crush all opposition to your rule." And Despotism for Dummies says, "Just go out and kill everyone you don't like." Even the new edition of The One Minute Dictator sums it in Chapter 4 with "Shoot." That's it. That's the whole chapter. And Chapter 5 says "A lot." So don't act all shocked and surprised. It's what I do. Accountants crunch numbers, lawyers navigate the legal system, AOL provides slow internet acces, and despots eliminate their oppostion.

Have I ever come barging into your cubicle and told you how to do your job? No, of course not. Mainly because I couldn't get past the receptionist, but that's besides the point. So please, just let me do my job. As the great philosopher Rodney King once said, "Can't we all just get along?"

And no one has found any "weapons of massive destruction," so I haven't violated any UN resolutions. Granted, I Used have them. But I used most of them up on the Shiites (and I think the Americans will now agree with my approach to the Shiites) and Kurds, and destroyed the rest. Okay, so I couldn't fully account for all the quantities of sarin and mustard gas I once had.

But since when is lousy record keeping a crime against humanity?

Friday, July 25, 2003

Now the United States of Evil Invasions Against Helpless Unsuspecting Nations Who Have No Weapons Of Mass Destruction Whatsoever is bragging that they have captured my bodyguards. Needless to say, their Pentagon is calling this a major victory.

Well, the joke's on them! Between you and me, they've actually captured my bodyguards' bodydoubles!!

The Americans continue to be surprised by the increasing level of resistance to their illegal occupation of Iraq, and the ongoing loyalty many of the fighters have towards me. And I'm sure that while the martyrdom of my sons was pleasing to a teeny tiny minority of Iraqis who do not value their lives and wish to die horrible/painful/ghastly/grisly deaths, the fact remains that the fight is not over.

Of course the fighters remain devoted to me. They know how how foolish it would be to do otherwise. Until this recent unscheduled and rather rudely imposed "vacation," I had been firmly in control of this land for almost 30 years. My people realize this, and they don't want any silly American-style democracy. After all, most of them are too poor to be eligible for tax cuts anyway.

The point is, they know I'll be back.... And looking to start a new family, but that's beside the point. When I return to power I will be taking names and checking my list to see who's been naughty and who's been loyal--kind of like a really pissed off, gun-toting Santa.

And when I return, I will go right down that naughty list and heads will roll. And I don't mean "heads will roll" in a traditional corporate type sense, with pink slips and severance checks, as people quietly pack up their cubicles and remove the Dilbert strips taped to their walls.

No, I mean heads will roll LITERALLY, bouncing down the steps, out the door, across the sidewalk, and right down the street, eventually clogging the storm drains. That's actually okay, because we live in a frikkin' desert, so who cares if the storm drains are blocked with severed numbskulls? Not me.

Nothing inspires loyalty like fear and uncertainty.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Wonderful news!! I received the latest issue of Maxim in the mail today!

Guess that means I'll be staying up late polishing my Weapon of Massive Pleasure. I hear that's good for your prostate, and I certainly want to protect my health!

While I appreciate the offer, it's really not necessary. I have no plans to fill that third spot anytime soon.

----------Steve Breen, San Diego Union-Tribune

Condolences have been pouring in from around the world. Some of the most touching have come from my close friends Kim Jung il, Osama, Micheal Moore, and Jacques Chirac. The Dixie Chicks said they would love to be here to provide comfort in my time of sorrow, but they didn't seem to think this was a good time to be anywhere near me. Hmmm.... Wonder why?

Oddly enough, I am yet to receive a sympathy card from George Bush.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Reader and fervently devoted loyalist Jeffindel has offered an excellent solution to the temporary pickle that I find myself in: Since the Americans are offering a $25 million reward for information leading to my capture, I should offer a $30 million reward to any Iraqi who does NOT turn me in!!

I just hope they'll take a check.

I have received my intelligence reports on yesterday's illegal home invasion that resulted in the deaths of my sons. I am proud to say that they died doing what they do best: Raping a villager from a nearby town.

I just hope it was a woman for once.

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

A reader calling himself (or herself--I can't tell without personally checking the parts) theorizes that while Uday may have survived that initial bombing back in March, he did, in fact, lose an eye. That would mean that the eyeball I've been carrying around was indeed his!

That's certainly possible--also a lot less disgusting than carrying some stranger's eyball around. There was a lot of confusion amidst the rubble, debris, and assorted body parts at the time.

It occurs to me that with an eyepatch, Uday would have looked just like Johnny Depp in that new pirate movie.

Now here's a story that brought tears to my eyes:

Mowaffaq Muhmoud Alani, my ambassador to China, won't vacate the Iraqi embassy in Beijing because he refuses to recognize the authority of the illegal aliens occupying Baghdad! He and his wife have gone as far as to barricade themselves in the building with a gun. At night he can be heard listening to old tapes of my speeches.

Now that is dedication that is truly touching!!

I will admit, however, that tape thing is just a bit creepy....

Excellent article in USAToday about how the so-called "occupation" of my country was botched by the Americans. The only thing that confuses me is the occasional reference to "post-Hussein Iraq." Unless I'm mistaken, that implies I'm no longer a factor.

Just because no one has seen me in a while doesn't mean I'm out of the picture.

Well, I have confirmed that both Uday and Qusay were killed earlier today.


However, I must admit that I am more than a little perplexed! I thought Uday had been killed back in March! If he was alive, you'd think he would have called his old man just to say "Hey, pop! What's up? Can I borrow 20 dinars?"

Suddenly that whole eyeball thing seems downright gross and disgusting, instead of pathetically sentimental and touching.


Everyone just calm the f*ck down! I am still trying to confirm what happened in Mosul earlier. But if true, this would raise serious questions about who the hell's eyeball I've been carrying around for the last three months....

Monday, July 21, 2003

I see that the devil's head disciple, Paul Bremer, says that I'm probably alive and probably hiding in Iraq!!! WOW!!! Did he figure that one out on his own?!?! What gave it away? No wonder this guy gets paid the big bucks! Why, I'll bet he's even a college graduate! Possibly even a member of Mensa! A rocket scientist!!

Well, okay, maybe he is too smart to be a rocket scientist....

The fact is that yes, I may still be alive, and yes, I may be hiding in Iraq. How's that for confirmation?

And despite what some misinformed people may think, I am most certanly NOT hiding in a rat-infested sewer.

----------Larry Wright Detroit Daily News

Between you & me & the keyboard, I'm hiding in a rat-infested garbage dump!!

Saturday, July 19, 2003

----------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Who is this Jimmy Hoffa guy? Is he someone else that the Americans can't find?

Hmmm.... There seems to be quite a bit of that going around lately.

Friday, July 18, 2003

Thank you to the infidel who pointed out the problem with my previous entry. Obviously those CIA dogs are desperate to discredit me while confusing you, my many loyal minions.

I have since, um, "corrected" the situation.

British Prime Minister and loyal American lap dog Tony Blair was in Washington yesterday to address the Congress. He says he is standing by his assertions that I had tons of biological weapons, scores of nuclear bombs, and an orbiting death ray designed to incinerate entire cities from outer space.

Well, of course he continues to stand by his accusations!! What was he supposed to say? "Sorry, guys, but our inteligence was completely wrong. Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction, and is actually a really nice guy who loves the outdoors, children, animals, and quiet walks on the beach. Guess we really f*cked up this time, eh? Oh, well. At least no one got hurt or anything."

Oh, and I was just kidding about the whole orbiting death ray thing. Really. I swear.

You can trust me.

I found the perfect vacation spot for me. All I need to do now is come up with five thousand dinars....

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Today was the 35th anniversery of the coup that brought my Baath party into power. People sometimes ask me what Iraq was like before that happened. "Yo, Saddam," they'll say, "What was Iraq like before that happened?"

Well, it wasn't pretty. Personal hygiene was virtually non-existent since there were no Baaths. But when we took over, we instituted a series of reforms requiring people to take a Baath every two weeks whether they needed to or not. Needless to say, that made a huge difference in our air quality. Well, that, AND the introduction of the catalytic converter.

Anyway, my henchmen--the ones still alive, at any rate--decided to throw me a surprise party. And boy, was it a SURPRISE!! In fact, I was so surprised that I thought it was a coalition raid of some sort!!! I shot four people and beheaded two others before I realized what was going on. Then the survivors and I had a big laugh!

I ended up getting some really great gifts: Several boxes of chocolates, some very pretty flowers, a bottle of wine (French, of course), a blender, three bazookas, and a rocket propelled grenade launcher.

It was all very sweet.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

As you probably heard, Pamplona, Spain, just concluded it's annual Running of the Bulls.

HA!! Running from bulls is for pussies. You should try Tikrit's annual Running of the Scorpions. Now that's a sport for real men!

--------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Well, this is certainly interesting. The American administrator of my past and future country says that it's "up to the Iraqi people" as to when the Coalition of Evil Intruders leaves....

Well, okay then. Can't you guys take a hint?

Monday, July 14, 2003

Here's something else that really boils the sand in my shorts: On several occasions now, Bush has bragged about how America has "recovered hundreds of millions of dollars looted from Iraq." Then he goes on to say that the money can be use to rebuild Iraq!

Huh? If he hadn't come in here in the first place and bombed the unholy crap out of us in the first place, there wouldn't be any need to rebuild Iraq in the first place, now would there?!

And what "looted" money? There was no looted money! I had it all the time!! It's my country, right? Well, then isn't it also MY money!? Therefor it isn't stealing!! Now if I went across the border to Turkey and robbed a bank in Istanbul, then THAT would be stealing. But for me to use Iraqi money, earned by Iraqis, is most definitely NOT stealing.

It's merely the creative shifting of funds from one account to another. Big American companies like Enron and Worldcom do that all the time. Why isn't Bush invading them?

Oh, right. They're campaign contributors.

A-HA!! I have discovered proof that the United States of Evil is out to conquer the entire world!

Saturday, July 12, 2003

A Day in the Life of a Desperate Despot

Some of you are no doubt wondering how a world renown despot spends a typical day on the run. As any good manager/brutal dictator will tell you, the key to success is organizational skills. And public executions don't hurt either, but that's besides the point.

Being that I'm in a good mood, I have decided to share with you an account of my day.

05:00 AM-----Alarm clock goes off. I empty entire clip into it.

05:30 ---------Second alarm clock goes off. I shoot it. Twice. With a rocket propelled grenade launcher.

06:00---------I get up.

06:01-06:25--Take a piss.

06:26---------Elude capture.

06:27-07:00--Trim mustache.

07:01---------Consider taking shower. Remember I took one just last week. Pass on shower.

07:02-----------Elude capture.

07:03-07:45--The breakfast of despots: Grits, chitlins, and scrambled babies.

07:46-08:33--Meet with surviving top aids to coordinate the day's harassing attacks against the illegal infidel interlopers.

08:34----------Elude capture.

08:35-08:36--Work up a sweat in the gym so that I can maintain this svelte physique that the chicks really dig.

08:37-09:09--Polish Uday's eyeball.

09:10----------Try to shoot aid for asking why I keep that gross eyeball on my desk but gun is empty. Ask aid to get me more bullets so I can execute his sorry ass.

09:11-09:28--Finish polishing eyeball.

09:29----------Elude capture.

09:30----------Decide to check today's email.

09:31-10:47--Delete today's spam.

10:48-10:50--Answer remaining email. Forward great joke about farmer's daughter, travelling Christian missionary, and confused camel to Yasser Arafat.

10:51-11:23--Trim mustache.

11:24-11:59--Take a piss.

Noon-----------Elude capture.

12:01 PM------Remember to put Little Saddam away & close barn door.

12:02-12:40--Meet with Sid Goldstein, my agent, to go over terms of new recording contract with Al-Jazeera. Sid recommends holding out for more money.

12:41----------Realize that if nothing else, Jews make great agents.

12:42-01:17--Working lunch with French government officials. Um, I mean French TOURISTS.... OFFICIAL French tourists.... Official French Tourists from France. Yeah, that's what I meant.

01:18-----------Lunch briefly interrupted when Randall Simon runs into room and inexplicably starts to beat my sausage with a baseball bat. Try to shoot him; gun still empty. Damn.

01:19-01:57--Finish what's let of lunch.

01:58-----------Elude capture.

01:59-----------Elude capture. Make funny faces at pursuers.

02:00-02:47--Take a piss.

02:48----------Call my doctor to get prostate checked.

02:49-03:28--Take inventory of remaining supplies of rocket propelled grenades. Fax order for new supply to Jacques Chirac.

03:29----------Elude capture. I taunt my pursuers.

03:30----------Realize that aid from this morning never came back with more bullets. Note to self: Shoot him twice.

03:31-04:01--Trim mustache.

04:02----------Urologist calls back to cancel appointment. His office has been looted of rubber gloves.

04:03----------Snotnosed kid from mailroom shows up with package from Suspect kid may be a CIA spy, so I decide to shoot him.

04:04----------Damn. Still out of bullets.

04:05----------Open package. The movie is Bound. Osama recommended it. Said it's perfect example of the decadence that pervades the west. Said he watches it at least once a week, especially chapters 7 & 9.

04:06----------Elude capture. Drop pants and moon pursuers.

04:07-04:57--Conduct cabinet meeting. Am only one in room. Could be bad sign. Not sure.

04:58----------Bored, I elude capture.

04:59-05:23--Have sex.

05:24----------Farmer shows up. Wants goat back.

05:25----------Receive IM from that crazy Korean, Kim Il Whathisface. Not sure what it says. Can't read Korean.

05:26-05:50--Trim mustache.

05:51-06:27--Take a piss.

06:28-06:59--Go out to Kentucky Fried Camel. Can't fit tank through stupid drive-thru so have to go inside. Order bucket of camel wings.

07:00-07:53--Eat wings. Begin watching Bound.

07:54---------Pause movie. Elude capture. Resume movie.

09:01---------Finish watching movie.

09:02-10:00--Watch chapters 7 & 9 over & over till my wrist hurts.

10-00-10:45--Update blog before turning in.


10:46-11:14--Trim mustache.

11:15---------Elude capture.

11:16---------Go to bed. Fall asleep to Dixie Chicks CD.

Friday, July 11, 2003

If any of you live in the heart of The Beast (that would be Washington, DC), I suggest you be careful not to get poked in the eye. Apparently a major sandstorm is brewing over Bush's accusation that I tried to buy uranium from Niger, and there is an awful lot of finger pointing going on about who knew what when.

And the reason that there is no evidence I never did that is that I NEVER did!!! Really!!! Trust me on that!!! I have NEVER EVER tried to buy uranium from Niger. Nope. That entire allegation was absurd from the get go!!! I'm every bit as innocent of that as O.J.!

Now let's hope they don't start checking eBay's records.....

-----Mike Luckovich (A funny infidel), Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Now let me make sure I got this straight: In his State of the Union address last January, President George "The Great Satan" Bush declared that my peaceloving nation had attempted to buy uranium from Niger. He did this despite his own Central Infidel Agency saying that the information wasn't credible. Bush, however, made the statement because the British had uncovered the alleged evidence. But the British now say they couldn't verify the information, but they nonetheless believed it because the Americans did!!!

So who ends up losing their job over this collossal intelligence fiasco? ME!!!!!

Forget Bush and Blair. I feel like I'm matching wits wtih Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe.

Monday, July 07, 2003

What in the name of all that is good and muslim is THIS?!?! An article in USAToday says that the Bush administration is pushing to resume nuclear testing so that America can develop a new generation of nuclear weapons!!!! Now excuse me if I'm being a little dense here (think carefully before you agree with me), but wasn't the entire justification for invading my peace-loving utopian nation the prevention of ME building nuclear weapons?!?! Why should Bush be allowed to do something I can't? Or Iran or North Korea for that matter? Don't WE deserve nukes, too, or is that a right that's reserved for peace loving democracies?

Watch your step, people. The irony is getting awfully thick in US foreign policy. And this is REAL irony, not that bogus "I can only find a fork when I need a spoon" irony that Alanis Morissette sings about. That's not irony, babe; that's just poor organization of your cutlery drawer.

Have you heard about this guy, Joseph Wilson, who was sent to Africa to check out reports I had been trying to buy uranium? He wrote a report saying that he could find no evidence of such efforts by me.

HA!! See!?! See!?! I'm innocent!!! Not gulilty!!! Off the hook!!! Pure as the wind driven sand!!!

Any time Mr. Bush is willing to apologize, he knows where to find me.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry.... NO, HE DOESN'T!!!!

Someone please tell him I'd like the carpets in the Oval Office cleaned before I take over. Thanks bunches!!

Saturday, July 05, 2003

No wonder there's been a rope shortage in Iraq lately.

I saw some footage of the fireworks that the Americans use to mark their independence. Quite frankly, it's very boring stuff.

You should see Baghdad during an air raid. Now that's some impressive fireworks!!

I see that my latest inspirational speech finally made it onto Al-Jazeera. I recorded that thing last week. And it's getting harder and harder to get studio time these days. All kinds of Arabic musician wannabes are taking advantage of their new freedoms and trying to release albums, so they're hoggin' the equipment. Have you ever heard Farsi rap music? It's not pretty. And then they pull up next to you at a traffic light with their 1500 watt stereo woofers so damn loud you can't hear a mortar shell go off 3 feet away!! What the hell is that about, anyway?!?! These damn kids today.....

But I digress....

Maybe after I retire, I'll hit the lecture circuit. A guy can make good money doing motivational speeches these days at places like board meetings, trade conventions, and bar mitzvahs. Well, okay, maybe I'll pass on the bar mitzvahs.

But the rest of it I should do pretty well with. And if all else fails, I'll pull out a gun and shoot a couple of people in the front row. That should get the REST of the crowd plenty motivated!

Friday, July 04, 2003

Uh-oh. Things are heating up in Liberia. Now President Bush has given Liberian President and former Washington Redskins wide receiver Charles Tayor 48 hours to leave that troubled country.

Yeah, that's a good idea. That deadline stuff worked out really well in my case.

Those of you who still have your long term memories more or less intact may recall that some time ago I complained about some problems the people were having with their archiving functions. In order for the archives to display correctly, I had to reset my time zone to PST even though I'm actually halfway around the planet from there. Now don't misunderstand me; I love the people of the PST. Some of my most loyal supporters in America live in the PST. That hotbed of anti-American sentiment, Hollywood, is in the PST!!! So I absolutely love the PST!! In fact, some day I plan on ruling it! But I'm getting ahead of myself.....

Anyway, they have finally corrected the problem and I have reset my time zone to reflect my true location.... Or maybe not. Who knows? Certainly not the Americans!!!


Consequently, I have released the Blogger programmers. Well, at least the ones that are still alive.

President Bush, responding to a question about militants in Iraq, yesterday said "Bring'em on!"

Well..... Okay.

Thursday, July 03, 2003

The United States of Infidels Hellbent on Wiping Out Islam is offering a $25 million reward for my capture.

I'm insulted. I thought I'd be worth at least $50 million.

Did he just call me a "big fat nuthin'?" I should probably be insulted, but I'm too busy laughing at the Americans' latest effort at nation building.

Now where's that waitress? I need another Margarita over here.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

I know I'm going to regret this almost as much as the time I told George Bush to go pound sand (And the idiot totally misinterpreted what I meant by "go pound sand"), but I have decided to add a comments field.

Now don't get the wrong idea: I really don't give a scorpion's ass what you think. But if I can at least make you think that I think that you think that I somehow value your meaningless opinions, then maybe it will take your minds off that stupid obsession you Americans have with freedom, democracy, and that apple pie crap.

Just what is an "apple pie," anyway?

You should try that Stouffer's Camel Hump pie. Now that's some good eatin'!