Monday, May 31, 2004

In another 30 days (supposedly) the United States will be transferring sovereignty to an interim government in Iraq. And that means that.... Well.... Um.... Uh.... Hmmm.... No one seems to know what that means, least of all the United States.

The surviving members of the existing Governing Council are backing a Sunni for the position of President. The US, however, doesn't want him, and things are currently at a stalemate.

So there's the first lesson in Democracy for Iraq: The majority only counts if America says it can. And sovereignty only counts if the decisions go the way the United States wants them to go.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

The problem with the Council's choice, Ghazi Mashal Ajil al-Yawer, is that he blames the US for the current mess in my country, and wants the occupiers to leave out as of yesterday. Meanwhile, the United States' choice is some doddering 81 year old named Adnan Pachachi. Granted, he's a Sunni as well, but the cowardly little weasel fled Iraq when I took power 30 years ago.

Occupying a foreign country is never easy unless you kill everyone. But the problem with that is that the rest of the world gets all pissed off and condemns you as being "evil," like that's a bad thing.

That's why I made the decision 13 years ago to voluntarily pull out of Kuwait.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free-Press


One of the things that has most bothered me over the past year were the accusations that I "looted" my country. Frankly, that never made sense to me. I mean, it's my country, right? And I was.... Er, AM the absolute dictator of Iraq, right? So how can I loot that which is already mine?

I have no qualms about being accused of brutality, political repression, and the occasional act of mass genocide here and there, but don't be impugning my honesty. That's just not right, and I won't stand for it. Rest assured that after the other charges against me are dropped, I will be filing a lawsuit for libel against the United States.

And you know what the kicker is in all this? George Bush has my pistol in his trophy case in the Oval Office!!!

So who's looting from whom now?

Saturday, May 29, 2004

My apologies for not posting in several days, but I've been chained to the bars of my cell for most of the week.... No, no, I wasn't being tortured by the guards. What happened is that Barbara Striesand was paying me a conjugal visit and her husband called just as we were getting hot and heavy. She had to hurry home--something about people who need people--and she forgot about me!

Anyway, I'd like to offer a belated congratulations to my good friend and loyal supporter Michael Moore for his big win at the Cannes Film Festival. His movie Fahrenheit 9/11 has been getting rave reviews around the world, yet remains strangely unavailable to audiences in America.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

If you're not familiar with the film, it is very anti-Bush. Yet, according to those who have seen it, it is also very well done.

Oh, and by the way, it's only called Fahrenheit 9/11 in the United States and Great Britain. In the rest of the world it is being released as Celsius 488.33333.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004


Monday, May 24, 2004

Faithful follower and noted infidel legal scholar Tung Yin writes: Hey Saddam, I realize that you aren't really running an advice column, but I figure that until those French lawyers get you acquitted ("if you can't find the poison gas, you've gotta give Saddam a pass"), you don't have too many better things to do. . . .

So here's my question: you know how that one former General of yours is now running Fallujah under a deal with the U.S. er, infidel Marines? Do you consider him to be a traitor to your cause, or is he a secret mole working against the foolish Americans?

Well, first of all, Mr. Yin, thank you for writing. It's always good to hear from my American followers, even if you people do have a predisposition for piling naked men on top of one another and pointing at their genitals. So I'm sure you'll understand if I ask you to keep your distance....

Secondly, I like your poem. That's very, very catchy! It's much better than that piece of crap Johnny Cochran auditioned with:

"So he gassed the Kurds,
They're just a bunch of turds.
And so he killed a bunch of Shiites,
Every last one of them bites.
If you value your life,
You must acquit."

I mean, what the hell was that?!?! The man has definitely lost a step or two since the O.J. trial.

At any rate, while I'm grateful for your offer of legal assistance--as well as all the other offers from around the world that have been pouring in--I don't think I'll be fine.

First of all, who's going to try me? Iraq has no government! Talk about not having any controlling legal authority!!! And anyone who dares to cooperate with the Americans automatically becomes a target!
Granted, they were going to form some sort of seven person tribunal to try me, but that bright idea has gone straight down the toilet. That tribunal was supposed to be headed by that fat pig Chalabi, but now his own butt is in the frying pan because he was caught passing secrets to the Iranians!!!

Besides, I would have gotten off on a technicality: By definition, a tribunal can only have three people! Am I right or am I right? Of course I'm right!!!

Now if they were going to form a septbunal, THEN I might have something to worry about....

As to your inquiry about Fallujah: That was a victory for my forces, pure and simple. The Americans surrendered the city and withdrew. They can call it "a deal" in order to save face, but everyone knows it was a victory for us. Perhaps not in a classic military sense, but in the court of Arab public opinion, we came out triumphant in that one.

Oh, and congratulations on the recent birth of your son. You once asked if I had any parenting advice for you, but I became distracted when I heard a guard coming down the hall. About the only advice I can give you is to love him, cherish him, and let him play with the controls in the torture chamber whenever you have a victim in there. Now some people may say you're spoiling them by doing that, but don't listen to them. In fact, stuff them into the torture chamber for daring to question your technique.

That's how I raised Uday and Qusay, and they turned out okay!

With Friends now off the air, many American's will be looking for fresh comedy shows with which to entertain themselves. Here's a great suggestion for tonight: President Bush will be delivering a speech to reassure his citizens that he is in full control of the situation in Iraq, and that the planning for the transfer of power on June 30 is right on schedule. He will also present a clear strategy for my country.

I know, I know. I was laughing myself silly just writing that. But hey, if he has finally come up with a clear strategy, all the more power to him! Some critics will no doubt point out that he should have done that a year and a half ago, but don't listen to them.

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times


Here's a startling statistic: Over 5500 Iraqis have been killed in the last 12 months just in Baghdad and three surrounding provinces! That's many more than ever died in any single day during my many years in power!

So much for the American occupation improving the lives of my subjects.... er, my fellow "citizens," I mean.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution


I am pleased to see that that lying sack of camel crap Ahmed Chalabi is in serious trouble with the Americans. If there is any justice in this sick, twisted world of ours, they will drag his fat Shiite ass off to prison, strip him naked, and have a woman point at his genitals.

Of course, she'll probably need a microscope to find them.

That fat f*ck, more than anyone else, is the one most responsible for my current legal problems. He and his so-called National Iraqi Congress supplied the infidels with false information about my non-existant weapons of mass destruction. Then he convinced Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld that the only way to disarm me of all these non-existant weapons of mass destruction was to invade my peaceful country and remove me from power.

HA!!!! Well, the whole frikkin' world can see how well that little plan worked out!!

Any other bright ideas, Mr. Fat Butt?

The whole thing was nothing more than a power grab by Chalabi. He thought he could use the Americans to basically pull off a coup and install him into power. Now why he thought this stupid plan would work, I have no idea. He and his family fled Iraq some 45 years ago, and he hasn't lived here since. And he thought he would be welcomed by the Iraqi people with open arms? He's a frikkin' foreigner, for crying out loud!!! He'd be lucky to land a job operating a leaf blower for a lawn service company!!! Especially since Iraq is frikkin' desert, and no one has lawns in the first frikkin' place!!!

Hmmm.... I'm guessing he's not a dog person....

Thursday, May 20, 2004

What? The curtains?


Wednesday, May 19, 2004

War is a nasty business. You go into a much smaller country thinking, hey, that was easy. The next thing you know, you're getting your ass handed to you on a platter. I learned that lesson the hard way in Kuwait, and now Mr. Bush has learned it in Iraq. Oh, perhaps not militarily, but in the all important court of Arab public opinion, the Americans have been dealt a horrible defeat. Nothing they do at this point, no amount of rationalization, and no fancy-schmancy explanations can change the irrevocable fact that they have lost the hearts and minds of not only the Iraqi people, but of the entire middle east.

One case in point is the business at the prison: Sure, the things I did there were much crueler and gruesome than anything the amateurish Americans could come up with. And certainly the things the insurgents have done to some of the bodies of dead Americans have been both horrible and inexcusable. But the thing to keep in mind is that no one expects us to behave in a civilized manner. We're supposed to be barbaric beyond words! We're the ones who have no respect for international law! Everyone in the world knows that, and consequently nothing we do surprises anyone.

The United States, on the other hand, is the one who's always preaching about the Geneva Conventions, and the rules of war, and how they expect their enemies to treat American POW's with the same care and respect that the U.S. gives to its captured enemies. So when the world suddenly finds that the United States is violating its own supposed standards, well, what does that does that do for their credibility? Not a whole lot.

It's all about fulfilling expectations.

And in the latest public relations fiasco to befall the Americans, one of their helicopters opened up on a wedding party, killing as many as 40 people. The Americans, of course, are saying that someone was shooting at the helicopter. The Iraqis, on the other hand, are saying that it was only celebratory gunfire, as is customary at weddings.

Well, sorry, but that's how we celebrate: By shooting guns into the air! Why, how should we celebrate a wedding? By eating cake!?!? Yeah, right. Don't be stupid.

Anyway, I have it on good authority that the President himself ordered this attack!

The CIA told him it was a gay wedding.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Needless to say, a lot of people are going "A-HA!!! We told you so!" after that artillery shell with the Sarin exploded yesterday. They're pointing at that as proof that I had vast stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction.

Oh, puh-leeze!!!!

ONE frikkin' shell? And you're going to use as justification for turning the world upside down? Now that's desperation!

I don't know where that shell--assuming it even really had Sarin in it--came from. It certainly wasn't part of my official, non-existent stockpile! Generally speaking, we don't leave official use type of WMD's just lying around in the middle of the street. I mean, what do you think we are? Barbarians?

In all likelihood, that shell came out of someone's private collection.

What? Do I need to repeat myself? Fine. That's right, I said PRIVATE collection.

You know how in the rest of the world there are adults who collect stamps or coins or dolls... Er, I mean "action figures?" Well, here in Iraq we have a lot of WMD collectors. And on weekends they go to conventions where they buy and trade WMD's, much like geeks in the rest of the world buy and trade comic books.

And that's not really something my government really chose to get involved in. I mean, unlike Republicans in the United States, we Baathists don't want to control what goes on in the privacy of our citizens' bedrooms.

---------------Jim Borgeman, Cincinatti Enquirer

Monday, May 17, 2004

Never let it be said that my people are without compassion. Here's a story that says Italian troops were driven from their base by Iraqi insurgents.

Well, that was awfully nice of the insurgents, don't you think?

Sunday, May 16, 2004

---------------Chip Bok, Akron Beacon-Journal

That prisoner abuse scandal continues to plague the Bush Administration. This past week the President reasserted his support for Secretary of Illegal Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld. And Rummy did his part by coming all the way to Iraq in a show of support for his troops. And by the way, he hurt my feelings by not paying me a personal visit. I was really, really hoping he would, because I was planning to give a thumbs up sign while pointing at his genitals. Would that have made a great photo or what!?!?

Meanwhile, the entire United States government keeps blaming the lowly privates in those photos for "being out of control."

Yeah, right. Granted, I don't know a whole lot about how the United States military operates--well, actually, I do, since I've seen it up close.... But let's not talk about that right now.... Where was I? I'm having a hard time concentrating since I've been off my Ritalin.....

Oh, right.... What I was going to say is that while I don't know how the United States military operates, I can tell you that the in the Iraqi military, lowly privates don't as much as scratch their butts without first getting permission from their superior officers. And yet the world is asked to believe that poor, sweet, innocent Lynndie England, who even got herself knocked up while she was over here, came up with the idea to tie a dog collar around a naked man's neck?

Yeah, right. And I've got weapons of mass destruction.

I mean, c'mon!!! If the people in those photos were stupid enough to take frikkin' pictures of themselves breaking international laws, do you think they were clever enough to come up with the idea to stack naked men into piles? I mean, seriously: Me and my secret police used to do some serious torture back in the day, but we were never dumb enough to leave photographic evidence of our atrocities!!!

Er, I mean, IF there HAD been atrocites, we wouldn't have left photographic evidence. Not that there was any of that, you understand. I was merely suggesting a hypothetical, what-if type of situation.

Anyway, it now appears that there is new evidence that Rumsfeld not only knew about the torture, but he approved it as well!!

Whoops, gotta go! Saturday Night Live is on. I love it when that guy does his Dick Cheney impression!

Saturday, May 15, 2004

A new study shows that breast feeding reduces the risk of developing heart disease as an adult.

Hmmm.... It may be time for the Dixie Chicks to pay me another visit.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Word is that the United States will be turning me over to the Iraqis in July.

Well, thank Allah!!!! It's about damn time!!! Maybe then I'll be able to get a damn DVD player in my cell. Oh, and a stereo TV!

Then again, who cares? Once the Americans no longer have me, it's only a matter of time before the Iraqi people come crawling and beg me to return to power. You know that old expression about "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Well, you can bet it's true. This brief flirtation with democracy and freedom hasn't worked out too well for the vast majority of Iraqis, and they yearn to return to the days of tyranny and oppression.

Besides, when given a choice, most Iraqis prefer to be tortured with good old fashioned pain and dismemberment, not this weird psycho-sexual crap the Americans are into. Putting women's underwear on a man's head? Having a woman drag him around on a leash? What is that about!?!? Maybe those crazy Christians enjoy that, but it's just plain offensive to the average Muslim victim.

---------------Steve Sack, Minneapolis Star Tribune

Monday, May 10, 2004

Once again the people at blogger have been dicking around with their programming without first clearing with me. Well, they better hope I don't find any glitches....

Anyway, I'm sitting here in the General's office watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. They have a satellite feed, so I'm able to keep up with events in the outside world.

For example, I heard that Martie Maguire of the Dixie Chicks recently gave birth to twins. Despite the rumors in the tabloid press, I had nothing to do with that. I always practice safe sex. The last thing I need is to get dragged into court for a paternity suit. Allah knows I've got enough legal problems as it is....

I'm sure the Red Cross will be stepping up its inspections in light of the recent allegations of prisoner abuse by the infidel invading hordes. And believe me, I've been taking notes! For example, the TV in this office only has a 19" screen! And it's not even a plasma screen!!!!! Yes, it's VERY shocking!!!! And not only is there no DVD player, there's not even a TiVo in here!!!! What kind of fly-by-night operation is this!?!?! I did find a VCR, but it's VHS, for crying out loud! And not even stereo!!! I'm telling you this so you understand it's not just the prisoners in that other place that have been suffering.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.... Harry Potter. I understand he has a new movie coming out next month, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib.

I can hardly wait for the scene where Harry, Hermione, and Ron form a human pyramid.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

---------------Walt Handelsoman, Newsday

Friday, May 07, 2004

I see that President Bush has FINALLY apologized to the Arab World for the treatment of those prisoners. Well, it's about time. He should have done it yesterday when he was addressing them live, but for some reason he didn't. That little omission only inflamed tempers even more.

Yep, the man is a brilliant tactician.

Speaking of great American genuises, I see that Secretary Of Illegal Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld is coming under increasing fire for the scandal. It seems he knew about it and just kind of forgot to tell the President. What a bonehead!!!

What concerns me most, however, is that many Democrats in the US are calling for his resignation. If he does, in fact, end up leaving his job, it could be bad news for me. What would I do if they replace Rumsfeld with someone competent?

Oh, well. Perhaps it's best not to think bad thoughts.

And on that note, let's move on to some GOOD news. You know the chick in those prison photos? She now has a name: Lynndie England. Oh, and apparently she's a dog lover.

I've been busy composing a love poem to Lynndie. Here, see what you think:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Mine is bigger,
Than any of theirs.

Kind of brings a tear to your eye with its simple beauty, doesn't it?

Thursday, May 06, 2004

In the latest news from Najaf, Moqtada Sadr is threatening to have his followers launch suicide attacks if American troops enter the city.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

Have you ever noticed how these guys--and I have to include Osama as well as the leaders of Hamas in this--are always telling OTHER people to go on suicide missions? If it's such a glorious way to die, why aren't they leading the charge themselves? I mean, yeah, sure, I convinced some of my own followers to go martyr themselves, but you'll notice I was hiding in a spider hole at the time. I haven't lived this long by being stupid, you know.

And if there's one thing I hate, it's being the victim of someone else's bad intelligence.

Even more importantly, what's the big deal with the 72 virgins? I mean, I've had my share of them, and quite frankly, it gets old. You're constantly have to explain what goes where, and then they're asking if you really love them, and then you're having to explain that "blowing" is just an expression!

That's why I'm sticking with the Dixie Chicks. 'Blowing' is much more than just an expression to them, if you catch my drift.

But let's say that you are, in fact, the kind of guy who's into virgins. And so you go blow yourself up, along with a few dozen jews. And so you end up in paradise and there's your 72 virgins. So far you're thinking, hey, this is pretty cool!

But then you realize that you're dead. And not just merely dead, either. You're really most sincerely dead. That's as dead as you can get. You're deader than if a house had fallen on you. This dead deal is forever pal; there's no waking up in the morning. And that's when it FINALLY occurs to you: Eternity is a v-e-r-y long time, and you've only got 72 virgins to get you through it!!!

Now don't you feel dumb!

Think about it, folks: What happens after you've used up your virgins? Is it just you and Rosie forever and ever? And will you at least have Maxim to help you along? There are entirely too unanswered questions about this whole process.

But hey, if Moqtada wants to go out there himself and blow himself up, THEN I'll be impressed.

Well, gotta run. I need to back in my cell by 6:00. That's when the guards come by and urinate on us.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

As I've said before, I could have done a LOT better. After all, I'm a fifth degree master torturer. Even my good buddy and fellow despot Kim Il Jong is only a THIRD degree master.

But at least the cartoonist's heart is in the right place.

---------------Dana Summers, Orlando Sentinel

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

I have been reviewing with great interest those photos of the prisoners being abused, and quite frankly, I'm disgusted. Everyone is all upset over them, and the whole Arab world is in an uproar. But if you want my opinion, the whole thing is unbelievably amateurish.

I mean, what's the deal with having the guy standing on a box while holding wires in his hands? One of the first things they teach you in Despot 101 is that if you're going to torture and/or threaten someone with electricity, you absolutely have to get the testicles involved. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

We men are funny about our family jewels. I mean, you can cut off our arms and shoot us in the kneecaps, we won't shed a tear. But if you go for the cajones, we become whimpering little babies.

But what I find most intriguing about this whole affair is the chick that shows up in some of the shots. Who is she? What's her story? Is she this much fun on a date? Quite frankly, I'd like to meet her. She seems like my type! So if any of you know who she is, please let me know.

Oh, and I don't mean to brag, but if she had been posing with me in the above photo, the photographer would have needed a wide angle lens.

Monday, May 03, 2004

---------------Walt Handelsman, Newsday

Saturday, May 01, 2004

I know I have a bad reputation among some people. There have been many stories about how evil and inhumane I am, and that I have no conscience.

That's nonsense. Those are all lies put forth by George Bush and his well trained lap dog, Tony Blair.

I am actually a very sensitive human being who can be quite moved by stories of cruelty. For example, I consider the hunting of baby seals to be an incredibly barbaric practice, especially in the 21st century. There is no possible justification for such things. Hunting game for food I can understand. Or shooting a charging, rabid camel is certainly defensible. After all, it's either you or him. But baby seals? They're so cute and cuddly and adorable!! How can a human, armed with a hooked club, brutally kill such a defenseless animal? And it's not even like the first blow, or the second, or even the third does the job! You have to repeatedly hit the poor thing!

I would not be able to live with myself if I ever did something like that.

But clubbing baby Kurds, on the other hand, is totally acceptable.

Today marks one year that President Bush landed on the deck of the Abraham Lincoln and declared an end to "major combat operations" in my country. Since then, many of his opponents have been criticizing him for this. Some have gone as far as to call it a "blunder."

Despite my differences with the American leader, I feel that such criticism is uncalled for. After all, Mr. Bush has almost as much difficulty with the English language as I do, and perhaps he was just unfamiliar with the meaning of the words "major combat."

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks