Loyal reader, trusted advisor, noted legal scholar, and mangy infidel dog Tung Yin writes: "Saddam, I am very worried for you about your having been indicted. Will you get a fair trial in front of a jury of your peers? (Well, you don't have any peers, but that Kim Jong-Il guy will do. And Osama. Who else?)"

First of all, let me say that I hardly consider Osama one of my so-called "peers." Aside from the fact that I have NO meaningful ties with Al Qaeda, Osama's never even ruled a country!! Hell, in fact no country will even admit to having him!! Quite frankly, Osama is nothing more than a pathetic homeless man, the kind who would normally be hanging around outside the subway with a tin cup if he didn't keep trying to blow the thing up. So please, Mr. Yin, never again refer to him and me in the same sentence. Such comparisons offend me, and I don't think I need to remind you what happens to people who offend me.

As for Kim, I was hoping he could be on my jury, but he was excused because he's self-employed and busy selling nuclear warheads on the international black market. Taking time off would have seriously impaired his income and led to mass starvation among his citizens.... though I personally don't see what difference serving or not serving on my jury would make in that regard.

As far as the trial itself is concerned, rest assured that I have studied the recent Michael Jackson proceedings very carefully and have mapped out my strategy in great detail. I don't want to give too much away, but don't be surprised if I show up one day in my pajama bottoms.

By the way, I was considering utilizing your legal expertise. After all, I still need to hire someone to carry my umbrella. But after reading this entry on your site, I'm no longer sure: "Stupid Sears. We bought a new dishwasher, which came with a mail-in rebate equal to the delivery charge. So I dutifully filled out the rebate form and mailed it in. Several weeks later, we received a check for the right amount. Only it was made out to someone who had my first name (misspelled) and my wife's last name. . . . Should I even try to cash the check, or do I have to wade through the interminable bureaucracy to get a corrected check sent out?"

How shall I put this delicately...? YOU'RE THE LAWYER, for crying out loud!!!! So why in Allah's name are you asking your readers for advice?

Don't make me reconsider my decision to hire you as my umbrella carrier.

A reader calling himself Tigger asks: "How do you feel about Condoleezza Rice's comments on Kim Jong Il's weapon projects: 'the United States is able to defend itself and its allies against nuclear and missile threats', as compared to the extreme threat USA saw You being?"

That is an excellent question, Mr. Tigger. Making such an inquiry of me demonstrates that you are obviously very familiar with the current geopolitical landscape of the world, as well as the finer nuances of the various dangers to global peace that confront mankind today. That said, I have nonetheless taken the liberty to slightly re-edit your question to make it easier for me to answer in a logical and coherent fashion: "Dear Saddam: What's happening, dude? So, like, what do you think of this Jennifer Wilbanks? She's the infidel chick in Georgia who was supposed to get married. but rather than walk down the aisle, she decided to disappear, thereby causing authorities to launch a massive search for her."

Thank you asking for my opinion, Mr. Tigger. Let me first say that Ms. Wilbanks is an obvious amateur. She turned up after what? Four days? Hell, I eluded the entire frikkin' American army for nine months!!!! And the only reason they finally found me is that I forgot to tip the pizza deliveryman, and he turned me in.

Needless to say, I will always carry extra cash for tipping from now on.

But back to the Wilbanks matter.... How many guests was she supposed to have at the wedding? 600? 600 people is not a wedding; it's a Springsteen concert. No wonder she was overwhelmed by her impending nuptials! Add to that 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen, caterers, a band, and pretty soon you've got the population of a small country.

Let's face it: This wedding was not for the benefit of Ms. Wilbanks and her infidel husband-to-be. It was actually for the parents, who probably didn't give a camel's ass what kind of wedding their kids wanted. They just wanted to impress everyone with their wealth.

I mean, who even has 600 friends? I'm a world famous despot, and even I don't have 600 friends!! 600 enemies, yes, but not friends.... Well, actually, it's probably more like 600 thousand enemies, but who's counting?

If her fiance truly loves her, he should say to her, "Jennifer, my love, forget the wedding. Forget what our stupid parents want. Forget the mob scene. Forget all that silly crap. Our wedding should be about us, and us alone. So let's just elope. Just the two of us, sharing our love as we begin a lifetime of commitment to one another. And for God's sakes, never everlook at me directly again. Those eyeballs of yours give me the creeps."

Longtime reader, renown legal scholar, and faithful sniveling follower Tung Yin writes:

"Hey Saddam, that bin Laden guy has told that al Zarqawi guy to concentrate on attacking the U.S. directly. Doesn't that mean that Mr. Zarqawi won't be trying to get Iraq back for you?"

That is a common misconception, Mr. Yin, and I am grateful you have provided me with an opportunity to address the matter. By the way, forget filing any more briefs on my behalf. I have found boxers to be much more comfortable.

Let me first say that Zarqawi is operating in Iraq as an independent contractor. As such, he is not entitled to any health benefits, vacation time, or overtime pay. Additionally, he is here uninvited. While I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I have to wonder about Mr. Zarqawi's motivations for offering his services. Is he truly fighting for the liberation of Iraq, or is he one of those religious nutcases like Osama bin Laden or Jerry Falwell? Based on some of what Zarqawi has said, I suspect he's the latter.... In other words, he wants to turn my country into another Taliban dominated theocracy.

By the way, in case anyone wants to use him as an example of my ties to terrorists, do I need to point out that Zarqawi is Jordanian? He didn't show up here in Iraq until AFTER the United States invaded.

Many of you have no doubt been asking yourselves, Hey Saddam, what did you think of that tsunami? We would ask you in person, but we're afraid we would get blown up on the way to visit you.

Let me first say that I can understand your concerns. It's not safe out there any more, and your blithering cowardice makes me want to heave my guts in the safety of my prison cell. Beyond that, I'm of course opposed to tsunamis of mass destruction.

Now don't get me wrong: It's not that I don't like the death and mayhem they unleash in their path. In fact, I'm rather jealous of them in that regard! Do you have any idea how many Shiites a properly directed tidal wave could kill? Too bad we live in a frikkin' desert.

Nor does the financial cost of its devastation concern me. I am confident that if such a calamity had befallen Iraq when I was in power, the world would have put aside its differences with me, and provided my country with billions and billions of dollars in aid.... Most of which I would have then pocketed for myself.

No, what I am most concerned about is that this stupid tsunami has pushed Iraq off the front pages of the world's newspapers.

Loyal reader and devoted follower Tung Yin, who still lives in his parents' basement with his collection of 1537 Star Trek dolls, er, "action figures," including all 22 versions of Captain Picard as Locutus of Borg, writes:

"Saddam, did you ever watch the old "Star Trek" series? I remember this episode ("A Taste of Armageddon") where Kirk and Spock were locked up in some room, with a guard outside. Spock used his mental powers to make the guard think something was wrong, the guard came in, and Kirk knocked him out.
Surely you have such mental powers, too. Can you effect an escape?"

Well, yes, of course I have such mental powers. Why do you think they still haven't found my weapons of mass destruction, you ninny!?! Surely you don't believe my repeated denials of their existence, do you? I mean, we've known each other how long now, and you still trust me!?! What the hell's wrong with you?!?

Remind me to sell you my Chevy Vega.

The fact is I don't want to escape. I'm quite comfortable in here; certainly much more so than I was curled up in the backseat of the aforementioned Vega. I get three squares day and the occasional conjugal visits from rabid America hating babes such as the Dixie Chicks, Barbara Streisand, and Susan Sarandon. In fact, there was one time when, due to a scheduling snafu (you know how the US military is) all five of them showed up at the same time. Needless to say, it got quite crowded on this single cot. And you know how that Sarandon chick is: She just does not like to share!

And while they won't let me have a computer, I've nonetheless been able to get around that little restriction by climbing through the ceiling to General Abizaid's office and logging on to the internet there.

My only real complaint is the limited choices of television channels. For example, not only do I not have HBO (and The Sopranos just started its fifth season!!), but I don't have the Sci-Fi Channel either!!! Now HBO I can understand. After all, it's a premium channel, and this little conflict is costing the United States a fortune. But the Sci-Fi Channel!!!! Gimme a break!!! That's a basic cable channel, for Allah's sakes!!! Rest assured I will raise this issue with the Red Cross the next time they pay me a visit.

So I'll just enjoy my "vacation" for now and bide my time till after the election. I'm confident that the short fella--Dennis Kucinich, I think his name is--will win. He's already promised to pull the American troops out of my country if elected. At that point I'll be released and go back to the business of running Iraq and plundering its wealth. Plus, I figure I'll have a healthy sized court settlement coming to me from the "unlawful imprisonment" lawsuit I plan to file against the United States.

Oops, gotta go. Guard's coming!