Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Monday, January 30, 2006

For those of you wondering what REALLY happened at my trial yesterday that caused the whole thing to descend into chaos, here's a pretty accurate description of the proceedings. The only part of the account I take issue with is my alleged threat to blog about the day's events on MySpace. That part is obviously wrong since I am--and have been for the last three years--on Blogspot. Besides, MySpace is for 15 year old girls.

I just wanted to set the record straight on that before the CIA ends up with faulty intelligence.


I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm really looking forward to that new movie about the Bush administration.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Boy, the new judge running my trial is a real asshole. He had the audacity to throw me out of the courtroom because I kept interrupting him, disrupting the trial with outbursts, standing up to deliver political speeches, and cracking everyone up with fake farting noises!!!

So much for that so-called "freedom of speech" crap.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days, but I've been laughing my ass off over those Palestinian elections. A couple of days ago it looked like Hamas might pull off a respectable showing, but it turns out they won by a freakin' landslide!! 76 out of a total of 132 seats!!

Hmmmm.... I wonder if that fits Bush's definition of a "mandate."

Of course, now the United States government is voicing its concern over the results. They apparently didn't expect a terrorist organization which has repeatedly called for the destruction of Israel to win!

Personally, I don't see what everyone is complaining about. Bush and Cheney were the ones who kept saying they were going to bring democracy to the middle east. Well, it's working! They should be happy!

I guess this just proves that old adage about "be careful what you wish for."

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I'm sure you've heard the old warning about "Don't drink the water." Usually it applies only if you're visiting some third world country, like Honduras, Somalia, or France. Turns out, however, that you should also follow the advice if you're an American soldier on an American military base!

Accusations have surfaced that Halliburton--yes, Dick Cheney's old cronies--were supplying an American base with contaminated water! An inspector tried to warn his higher ups but was ignored.

This is hardly the first time questions about military contracts have arisen. And last year Democrats tried to hold hearings on the matter but were repeatedly blocked by Republicans.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The people running my trial are so screwed up that it's downright hilarious. It's like a bad Saturday Night Live skit.... Or is the term "bad Saturday Night Live skit" redundant?

Anyway, the judges had us sitting around for four hours waiting for proceedings to begin, then they abruptly canceled it until Sunday! They claim it's because a number of witnesses and lawyers are on their pilgrimage to Mecca, but I think that excuse is nothing but a colossal load of camel crap. The fact is they're scared of getting killed. And that's certainly understandable, considering that a number of people associated with my trial have met premature and untimely deaths.

The judges should be ashamed of themselves, for they are making a mockery of Iraq's legal system. Back when I was in charge, we didn't have these kinds of embarrassing problems with our courts.

And the reason was quite simple: We didn't bother with trials.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Gosh, I just remembered that my trial resumes tomorrow. I better get busy! No, not planning my defense, you infidel idiot. I don't need to defend myself. After all, I'm not the one who invaded a helpless, defenseless country.

Well, except for Kuwait, but that doesn't count.

However, I do need to come up with a fresh list of insults and tirades to unleash against the judges. The only one I've come up with so far is "Oh yeah? So's your mother!"

Pretty original, eh?

Have you heard about this hamster and rat snake that are happily sharing a cage at the Tokyo zoo? The snake's keepers put the hamster in there last October for the snake to eat, but instead they've become close friends! Some people are amazed by this, since snakes generally try to kill small animals and eat them.

Personally I don't see what the big deal is. So the two of them get along, peacefully coexisting side by side. Unusual things sometimes happen in this world of ours; get over it.

If, on the other hand, the snake were Arab and the hamster Jewish, and they weren't trying to kill one another, THAT would be truly amazing!!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Friday, January 20, 2006

Well, well, well.... While everyone's been busy concentrating on little ol' innocent me, look who just popped up again: The guy who killed the 3,000 people on 9/11! Yes, Osama has released another audiotape, this one threatening fresh attacks against the United States if Bush doesn't withdraw from Iraq.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I really, really, really don't need Osama's help! I've got the Americans right where I want them, and I don't need that idiot moving in and mucking things up. Besides, the lunatics at Fox News will only use this as further "proof" that bin Laden and I have "meaningful ties."

As I have said before, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I don't even wear ties! You've seen those pictures of me at my court appearances, right? Was I wearing ties in any of them? No! Of course not! No terrorist ties here! no sirree!

And aside from that one night of passion on Brokeback Mountain, the two of us have never even met.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

So how's that so-called "war on terror" thing going? Well, aside from the minor detail that Bush invaded a country that had no terrorists, no ties to Al Qaeda, and no involvement in the 9-11 attacks, it's going pretty well. In fact, the United States has given new momentum to the movement to reestablish the caliphate.

The caliphate, for the benefit of those of you who are too busy playing Grand Theft Auto to learn anything about the world in which you live, was the institution that governed the world's Muslims for 1400 years. It was broken up at the conclusion of World War I.

Think of the caliphate as a Vatican for followers of Islam.... But without the child molesters.

The reason for the revival of the concept, however, is quite simple: For most Muslims the question is not about freedom and democracy, but rather why the United States keeps invading only Muslim countries. And the fact that Bush used the word "crusade" to justify his attack on Afghanistan didn't help matters. For many Muslims, a "crusade" tends to conjure up images of King Richard slaughtering non-Christians. Yes, that was a l-o-n-g time ago, but we're still kind of bitter about it.

And what do I think of the caliphate idea? I'm in favor of it so long as it helps me get out of here and back into power.... But there better not be any damn Shiites involved in the stupid thing.

Yesterday was another busy day here in Iraq. Over fifty people were killed in an assortment of shootings, ambushes, and car bombings. I guess like any big company, the insurgency is diversifying its production methods.

Oh, and in case that's not bad enough, a 15 year old girl in northern Iraq may have died of bird flu!

When it rains, it pours.... Even in a desert.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Saturday, January 14, 2006

HAHAHAHA!!!!! The judge in charge of my trial has resigned! Some people are wondering why, but I know. Let's just say my supporters made him, er, "an offer" he couldn't refuse.

Plus, that camel's head he found in his bed the other morning may have had something to do with it as well.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

If it's January, it must be time for the annual Hajj stampede, in which Muslims making their pilgrimage to Mecca get carried away by the holiness of the moment and crush each other. This year's death toll appears to be at least 345. While it is still an impressive number, it pales in comparison to the 1426 that died in 1990.

It's this sort of reckless behavior that gives people the impression we Muslims are crazy. On the other hand, Christians are constantly being embarrassed by Pat Robertson, so I suppose it all evens out in the end.

In what is obviously a good omen for my own eventual fate, the guy who shot the Pope back in 1981 has been released from prison. And what's even more shocking, this wasn't even in California!!!!

I mean, hell, if you can shoot the frikkin' Pope--the most powerful infidel on Earth--and not spend the rest of your natural life in jail, there's no way anyone's going to convict me! All I did was kill a bunch of Kurds and Shiites, for crying out loud!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Thumbing its nose at world opinion, Iran has begun removing seals from its nuclear plants. It's actually quite surprising they found it necessary to do this.

After all, Iran is a predominantly desert country while seals are an aquatic animal.

Remember when the Bush was first talking about invading me? Do you recall what they estimated the war would cost? Well, White House economic adviser Lawrence Lindsey estimated total Iraq war costs of $100 billion to $200 billion. But then White House budget director Mitch Daniels called Lindsey's numbers "very, very high."

Ah, the good old days....

A new study now suggests that if you factor in ALL the costs of the war, including things such as extended health care for wounded soldiers, higher oil prices due to instability in the region, and lost productivity from disabled veterans, the total costs comes in around $2 trillion!!!

Monday, January 09, 2006

In a sign that this "democracy" thing is taking hold in Iraq, an international group has agreed to review the election resutls from a couple of weeks ago. This is to put to rest any concerns voiced by Sunnis and some secular Shiite groups that the results were fixed.

All this controversy could have been avoided if only Iraq hadn't borrowed those old voting machines from Florida.

Friday, January 06, 2006

How do you keep an infidel in suspense?

Well, there are many alternatives, but one particularly effective way is to share the world's best blonde joke with him.

Yesterday was a rough day in Iraq, but things have finally quieted down. Good thing, too, because I'm really tired. Maybe it's just me, but I just can't get any damn sleep with car bombs constantly going off outside my window.

Anyway, now that the dust has settled, it looks like January 5, 2006, will go down in the books as the fourth deadliest day in Iraq since the fall of Baghdad in 2003. Some 189 people were killed across the country, including 11 American soldiers.

Yep, good thing that pesky insurgency is in its last throes.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

First off, I'd like to wish all my stinkin' infidel readers a happy new year!! I wish you nothing but the best.... Assuming you're on my side, of course.

Anyway, there's more embarrassing news for the Bush administration: A new book accuses the CIA of ignoring information that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction.

Back in 2002, the CIA recruited an Iraqi-American anesthesiologist named Sawsan Alhaddad to go to Iraq. Once here, she questioned her brother, who was some sort of bigwig in my alleged nuclear program. He told her the program had been dead for ten years, and she took the information right back to the CIA.

Obviously they didn't believe her, or just flat out didn't care to check into the intelligence further.