Thursday, March 30, 2006

Here's another good one: Now Bush is blaming me for the instability in Iraq.

How the hell is it my fault!?!?! The Americans have been running Iraq for almost three years now. As for me, I've been in jail for the last 27 months!!! And it's somehow MY fault the place has gone to hell in a handbasket?!?!?!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Did you happen to catch Bush's press conference last week? Here we are, three years after the invasion of Iraq, and he's still managing to come up with new reasons to justify the attack!

Longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas, who has been questioning American leaders since Abraham Lincoln, asked Bush if he regretted his decision to go to war.

Of course, Bush said no. He then went on to justify the invasion by saying that part of his job after the September 11 attacks was to "make sure that we didn't allow people to provide safe haven to an enemy. And that's why I went into Iraq. ... The Taliban provided safe haven for Al-Qaida."

Uh, excuse me? The Taliban was over in freakin' Afghanistan!!! That's TWO countries away from Iraq!!! Will someone PLEASE give this man a map, for crying out loud!!!

Even worse, the President then went on to tell what can only be described as a bald-faced lie: He said that another reason he invaded was because I was barring the United Nations weapons inspectors from doing their jobs.

What a load of crap.

In fact I did allow the inspectors in. Yes, I only did so under severe threat of military action, but the fact is that U.N. teams under Hans Blix were on the ground in Iraq conducting inspections. And yes, they were being allowed to go wherever they wanted. I wasn't necessarily happy about it, but the fact remains that I did finally allow it. You may also recall that it was the United States itself that finally told the inspectors to leave Iraq a three days before the launch of hostilities. An appeal by Hans Blix to allow more time for them to conduct inspections was rejected by the Americans.

And they ask me why I drink....

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Americans have announced plans to build a base on the moon, which they will then use to prepare for a trip to Mars.

Haven't they learned their lesson yet? They're already stuck here in Iraq with absolutely no prospect of getting out, and yet they're still thinking about going to other planets?!?! I mean, Iraqi insurgents are bad enough, but at least ours don't go around laying eggs in your chest cavities the way those Martian insurgents do.

The Americans have announced plans to build a base on the moon, which they will then use to prepare for a trip to Mars.

Haven't they learned their lesson yet? They're already stuck here in Iraq with absolutely no prospect of getting out, and yet they're still thinking about going to other planets?!?! I mean, Iraqi insurgents are bad enough, but at least ours don't go around laying eggs in your chest cavities the way those Martian insurgents do.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Thursday, March 23, 2006

With the third anniversary of the unlawful invasion of my peace-loving nation which would never have harmed a fly (unless it was a Shiite fly, of course) President Bush has been busy delivering speeches trying to justify his actions.

One of his favorite anecdotes is the one about the success in Tal Afar. The city had been overrun by foreign fighters, but then the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment moved in. They took a far more patient attitude with the insurgency, flooded the streets with patrols, and built a wall around the city to better control access points. Lo and behold, things turned around, and Tal Afar became Bush's model for counter-insurgency operations.

The problem is, however, that once the 3rd Cav moved out, those pesky insurgents began seeping back in. The current situation is further complicated by the sectarian violence between Shiites and Sunnis that is rapidly becoming the norm throughout the rest of the country.

It's kind of like a dike. No, not dyke, you idiot. I meant dike! Why would I be talking about lesbians at a time like this? You people need to get your minds out of the gutter.

I was referring to those big walls that hold back water. They'll spring a leak in one spot and so you stick a finger in it. Then another leak pops up, and you stick another finger in that one. But the stupid leaks keep coming, and soon you've got your pants down around your ankles trying to plug the 11th leak with your pecker.

Here's a funny story: In West Virginia a woman asked Bush "what could be done to keep the press from ignoring progress in Iraq."

Yeah, those growing piles of dead bodies keep obscuring all the good that is being accomplished.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Monday, March 20, 2006

Gosh, has it really been three years since the start of Bush's unlawful trespass onto sovereign Iraqi soil? Hard to believe, isn't it? Well, you know what they say: Time flies when you're having fun.

What apparently no one realized until now, however, is that time also flies when a country is descending into a state of total, complete, utter chaos from which there is absolutely no chance of recovery.

Happy anniversary!!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Much of the world is seeing massive protests to mark the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I am humbled that so many people still think of me. Excuse me while I blow my nose.....


There's just one little thing, and it's really so minor that it's almost not worth bringing up, and I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful by even mentioning the subject, but, well, it's just that, er, how shall I put this delicately.... THE WAR DIDN'T ACTUALLY START UNTIL MARCH 20!!!!!!!!!!! TODAY IS STILL THE 18TH!!!!!!!

So yes, while I'm touched by the outpouring of sympathy, I'm also somewhat embarrassed that my supporters can't read a freakin' calendar.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

People seem amused that I still consider myself the legitimate President of Iraq.

Well.... DUH!!!!

A number of other so-called presidents, prime ministers, and "interim authorities" have supposedly run the country over the last three years. None of them have successful; indeed, the entire nation is only slipping further into chaos and anarchy. Besides, those last several Iraqi governments have been more illegitimate than most children born to Hollywood stars.

The unpleasant fact is that I am the only one who has been able to hold this place together. It's time to cut the nonsense and let me restore order.

Only thing is, I will need some mustard gas to bring those damn uppity Shiites back under control. Does anyone know where I can get some? As the whole world now knows, I haven't had any WMD's for at least 12 years now.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Wow! Now I know what it must feel like to be manic-depressive. Yesterday I was openly weeping as I mourned the passing of my good friend and fellow former bloodthirsty tyrant Slobodan Milosevic. Today, on the other hand, I've been positively giddy with glee! In fact, I've been laughing so hard I about peed my pants!

The source of this overwhelming joy in my life is this news item about one of Bush's top aids being arrested. No, no. Unfortunately it wasn't Karl Rove. If THAT had happened, I probably would have literally died laughing and then you wouldn't be reading this blog entry, would you?

It was some guy named Claude A. Allen. He's not someone I had ever heard of before, but Allen was nonetheless Bush's top domestic advisor. That makes him pretty senior in the White House pecking order.

Oh, and what was he arrested for, you ask? Well, THAT'S the best part!!! He was arrested and charged with running some sort of refund scam that swindled two department stores out of $5,000!!

I guess the White House must be getting really, really, REALLY desperate to find ways to pay for the war!!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

This is terrible news, and it just goes to show you that nothing is fair in this crazy, mixed up world of ours.

Slobodan Milosevic has died.

Yes, it is sad, isn't it? In fact, I've been sitting here on my metal toilet crying about it for the last hour. Sloby was my hero in many ways, and I was his. We despots have to stick together when it comes to standing up against the democracies of the world, you know. Otherwise they'll trample all over you, and try to impose human rights on your country. And what fun is it being a tyrant if you have to allow freedom of expression?

More recently, I have been trying to model my defense on his trial. Did you know they've been trying him since 2002? Oh, yes! The man was a genius at forcing trial delays, offering legal motions, and creating a general circus atmosphere in court.

Kind of like O.J. Simpson, if you can remember that far back.

Friday, March 10, 2006

The American Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, says that IF a civil war were to erupt in Iraq, it would be the responsibility of the Iraqi defense forces to deal with it.

Huh!?!? What the hell kind of attitude is that!?!? I'm sorry, but that kind of thinking is just plain irresponsible.

Look at it this way: If someone takes their dog out for a walk and it drops a fresh, steaming pile of gooey doo-doo all over the sidewalk, isn't it expected that the dog's owner will clean it up before someone steps in it? After all, if the guy hadn't taken the dog for a walk, the doo-doo would never have ended up on the sidewalk in the first place. Am I right or am I right?

So how is the current situation in Iraq any different? After all, if the Americans had never have invaded in the first place, Iraq wouldn't be on the verge of civil war. Again, am I right or am I right?

Rather than skulking away and pretending to know nothing about that fresh pile of doo-doo in the middle east, Rumsfeld needs to own up to the fact that it's his responsibility to clean up the mess.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Well, this is certainly disturbing! According to a recent poll in the United States, two thirds of Americans would like to see me executed! On the other hand, the majority of citizens of eight other countries also surveyed--including England, France, and Germany--would prefer to see me imprisoned for life.

Any guesses on who I'd rather have on my jury?

What the hell...? Is this supposed to be someone's idea of joke? I don't find it a bit funny.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Have you heard about that popular new movie in the Middle East that's raising eyebrows? It's called Brokeback Jihad. It's about two wannabe suicide bombers who run off to an Al Qaeda terror training camp. The only thing that explodes, however, is their mad, passionate love for one another.

A new poll shows that 80% of Americans believe that civil war in Iraq is inevitable. Even a clear majority of Republicans feel that way. What's more, 52% of Americans think Bush should begin withdrawing troops now. In terms of whether the withdrawal should be gradual or immediate, opinions are mixed. And here's my favorite line from the article: "Two-thirds of those interviewed said they doubted that the president has a clear plan for handling the Iraqi situation."

Do you hear that loud flushing sound? That's the sound of the Bush presidency making its way into the history books.

My only complaint about this poll is that none of the questioners thought to ask whether I should be restored to power.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Some people are calling the recent spike in Iraqi violence a blow to U.S. goals.

Ah, yes. It's always nice to hear some good news for a change. What is disturbing, however, is that these same experts are saying that the threat of civil war seems to have passed for the time being.

Well, maybe so. But sooner or later someone will blow up something important, thereby pissing off one sect or another, and a fresh round of deadly clashes will ensue. And me? Well, I'll just sit here on my metal toilet and laugh my ass off!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Flemming Rose, the Danish editor who first made the decision to publish those cartoons a few months ago, has written an article explaining why he did it.

Most of what he says makes sense, I suppose, if you're into that whole freedom of the press crap. But then he turns around and says that while he saw no problem running those cartoons, he would never agree to publish pornography. That's the same argument many other newspaper editors made: No problem with the cartoons, but we would never print pornography.

No pornography!?!?! No wonder newspaper circulation figures are falling!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

WOW!!!! This is just too cool!!!! Do you know how many people have been killed since the Askariya Shrine was blown up last week? 1300!!! In less than a week!!! Most of the deaths were the result of Shiites seeking retribution against Sunnis for what happened at the shrine.

I can't say this for sure since I don't have my records handy--I think the prosecution has them--but I'm fairly certain 1300 dead in one week is more than I averaged during my 24 years of rule. Granted, there were periodic spikes in my totals whenever I took out an entire Kurd village or something, but on average, I'm sure I was killing well under a thousand innocent people a week.

Meanwhile, Sunnis are striking back by forcing Shiites in predominantly Sunni areas to get the hell out of town or be killed. Not much of a choice, if you ask me.

Bush, of course, denies that this is in any way indicative of Iraq descending into civil war. Of course, this is the same man who also thought I had WMD's coming out my butt, who had never even heard of Hurricane Katrina until five days AFTER New Orleans flooded, and who didn't even know the ports were being sold to the UAE even though his own underlings had already approved the transaction.

The man's credibility knows no bounds.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Damn. I slipped up during my trial and admitted to ordering the destruction of some orchards as reprisal for that assassination attempt against me.

I may not have been worried about the Americans, but I sure as hell don't want the Earth First! people after my hide. That bunch is almost as crazy as some of my fellow Muslims.

If true, this is a real pisser.

According to the New York Times, Germany supplied the United States with extensive intelligence about my defenses for Baghdad. Germany is denying the allegations, however, so we'll have to see how this story develops.

Frankly, I find it hard to believe. I have always trusted the Germans and have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their fine weiner schnitzel. Stealing secret information about my defenses? That's the kind of backstabbing crap I'd expect from the French, who will collaborate with anyone they're scared of. But the Germans? No, I can't believe that.

On the other hand, it would certainly explain why my forces crumbled so easily when the Americans attacked. I had thought it was because my officers were cowards, and now I almost feel bad that I executed so many of them for running away.