Sunday, April 30, 2006

Saturday, April 29, 2006

The United States has long said that it will leave Iraq once the Iraqis are properly trained to defend themselves. That may prove to be even more difficult than previously thought.

The Americans are finding that many of the same Iraqis they are training to take over security duties are also fighting for the insurgents. This has led to a breakdown of trust between the two sides.

Guess it's a real bummer when you can't trust your enemies.

A jury in California has awarded $1.7 million to a woman who was spanked on the job.

Jeez.... I guess it's a good thing I gassed those 148 villagers instead of spanking them!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Just when you Americans thought it was safe to stop being paranoid, Osama bin Laden releases another audiotape.

You remember Osama, don't you? He's the guy who planned and carried out the hijackings five years ago that killed 3,000 people. Oh, and let's not forget the London, Paris, and Bali bombings that have occurred since then. Yes, not only is Osama still out there, but he's got access to a freakin' recording studio!!! But that's okay, because I'M in jail on charges of killing my own citizens.

Maybe it's just me, but if I were President of the United States, I probably would have been more concerned with capturing the lunatic who killed the 3,000 Americans than going after some dictator who only kills Iraqis.... And Kuwaitis, but that's besides the point.

Admit it. Sometimes I actually make sense.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Friday, April 21, 2006

You know what Iraq needs? Honesty. And for that reason Hussein Ali Kamal, the deputy interior minister, should be commended for speaking out. He recently said that Iraq was in a "state of undeclared civil war."

Of course, no sooner had he said this that a whole bunch of other government officials stepped forward to say that Ali Kamal was nuts. Then those same people quickly dove for cover.

Bush and Cheney especially continue to insist that everything here in Iraq is going swimmingly well. It's the news media's fault for always reporting bad news, you understand. That's the only reason that average Americans are discouraged by what's happening here.... Yeah, I guess dozens of people dying every day at the hands of suicide bombers is giving people a bad impression.

What has to happen before the Americans finally admit there is a civil war under way? Should someone fire on Fort Sumter?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Remember those trailers that were supposedly my WMD labs? Well, they're back in the news again. You may recall that Bush once declared that "We have found the weapons of mass destruction." The President made that bold statement on May 29, 2003, shortly after the trailers were captured. Top administration officials kept repeating the claim for months afterwards.

The fact that it was wrong is now well known. What has NOT been known until now is that Bush himself knew it to be wrong when he uttered those words!! A Pentagon team had already gone over the trailers and sent their conclusions back to Washington on May 27, two DAYS before the President fibbed to 280 million of his citizens.

So again, could someone please explain to me why I'M the one on trial!?!?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I've heard that the Iraq war is costing the United States almost two billion dollars a week! Granted, they're a rich country with lots of resources, but it appears that the Americans are finally beginning to get desperate.

They're starting to confiscate gold from the teeth of drug suspects in an attempt to raise more money!

Things in Iraq continue to deteriorate. Today, for example, suicide bombers hit a Shiite mosque, killing dozens of worshippers.

"So what, Saddam," I hear you saying. "There's nothing unusual about that. Suicide bombers are always blowing themselves up in Iraq nowadays." Well, yes, you silly infidel. That would normally be true, except these were not your regular run-of-the-mill suicide bombers. "What do you mean by that? Were they women? Children? So what? That's still not all that unexpected. And haven't you been wearing those same briefs for the last six months? Why don't you go put on a fresh pair, for Allah's sake!"

All legitimate points, dear readers. And as I said, these were not normal suicide bombers. These were TRANSVESTITE suicide bombers!!!! And when the cross dressers in a society start blowing themselves up, you know things are really, really, REALLY going to hell!

By the way.... If you ever question my lucky underwear again, I will track down your IP address, come over to your house, and personally attach electrodes to your testicles.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Court was fun yesterday. The stupid prosecutors took it upon themselves to decide, "Hey, let's cross examine Saddam and see what happens!" They kept trying to pin some massacres on me, and for the most part, I admitted to them! And why not? Those silly Shiites tried to assassinate me, so of course I took action to defend myself. It's called justice, for crying out loud!

I'm a firm believer in capital punishment, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, even the United States invokes the death penalty on occasion. Look at the case of Zacarias Moussaoui, the so-called 20th hijacker. A jury in America just sentenced him to death, and he never even killed anyone! All he did was plan to kill people, and that alone got him the death sentence. Well, that, and the fact that he kind of forgot to tell anyone about the 9/11 plot.

So how is that any different from what I did? I merely carried out just punishment against someone who planned me harm. Well, except in my case, I wiped out entire villages containing thousands of people, but the general principle is the same.

Plus, I didn't have to bother with trying to find jurors!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Oh, for crying out loud...! Now they're going to charge me with yet ANOTHER act of genocide!?!? This time it's for killing Kurds, which I don't understand. I always thought genocides were a bad thing, so how can killing Kurds be a "genocide?" Besides, shouldn't we finish up the first trial before we start a new one?

If you ask me, all these charges are the result of a conspiracy by lawyers. The longer the bastards can keep me tied up in court, the more money they stand to make.... Well, at least the ones that avoid being kidnapped and beheaded.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Remember how in the months leading up to the invasion of Iraq the Bush administration had said the country would be rebuilt from the money generated by oil sales?

Well, that plan has been quietly abandoned. Between insurgents constantly blowing up oil pipelines, the cost of continuously rebuilding just repaired infrastructure, and paying for expensive security for contractors, the plan just never worked. In fact, in some ways Iraq is actually worse off than it was BEFORE the war! In particular, production of electricity is below prewar levels. That's not good in a desert country which relies so heavily on air conditioning.

Now comes word that the United States is simply giving up and turning the expenses over to Iraq and its neighbors.

Oh, that's nice. Bush comes in here, breaks everything in sight, and then doesn't even bother to clean up the mess HE made!!!