Sunday, October 31, 2004

I've been sitting here working on some math problems. What? Are you surprised I would dabble in such an intellectual exercise!?! Well, you shouldn't be. I was a math major back in college. Admittedly, my grades weren't very good at first, but that all changed after I gassed the Dean and his family.

Anyway, what prompted my resurgence of interest in numbers was this recent report that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died since the beginning of the war. Yes, I know that sounds bad, but it gets even worse when you start analyzing it.

For example: Everyone knows that I have been accused of killing "hundreds of thousands" of my own citizens. And although I never really kept track, that sounds about right. But for sake of argument, lets put the exact total at 900,000. Yeah, yeah, I hear some of you cringing in revulsion. But in my defense, I'd like to point out that the vast majority of those were Kurds and Shiites.

I took over Iraq in 1979 and ruled for 24 years until my, um, "extended vacation" which began last year. So you take that 900,000 figure and divide by 24, and you get an average of 37,500 deaths per year.

The Americans, on the other hand, took over about 18 months ago. So take that 100,000 figure, divide it by 1.5, and you end up with an average of 66,667 deaths per year.

Interesting, eh? And there's more: This recent study also says that the average Iraqi civilian is 58 times more likely to die a violent death NOW than he or she was before the war!

Well, well.... It would appear that no matter how you slice it, Bush is a much more efficient killer of Iraqi civilians than I ever was!

Kind of makes me jealous....

Friday, October 29, 2004

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Sometimes it gets pretty lonely in this little cell of mine, and I thank Allah I have an IPod to help me get through the long days. Here are some recent additions to my music library:

A Bush Kerry one sung to the tune "Do the Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

A Pulp Fiction style explanation for the invasion of my peace loving, UN sanction respecting, and totally harmless nation. This version includes the video.

And another Bush parody sung to the tune of "Coming 'Round the Mountain."

Finally, if you're a fan of "Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody," absolutely do NOT listen to this one.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

I don't mean to constantly harp on how President Bush has bungled his invasion and occupation of my country, but it can't be helped because, well, he bungled it. And not just a little bit, either. I mean, he really, really, really, really, REALLY royally bungled it! Remember when I invaded Kuwait 14 years ago? Even I had enough frikkin' sense to go in there with enough troops to secure the damn place!!!

But George "I Know What I'm Doing So Get Out My Way" Bush didn't want to listen to anyone else. Not even a secret intelligence report warning of a massive insurgency. And why did he ignore it? Simply because it differed with his preconceived notions of how the invasion and occupation would go.


This failure to use enough manpower has led to many of the United States' current problems, including--get this--the loss of 380 frikkin' tons of high explosives!!

How the hell do lose that much of anything!?!?! I mean, it's not like you can slip the stuff under your jacket and sneak it out the door! Nor is it likely to be easy to hide in the trunk of your car! Try to wrap your puny infidel minds around that number, if you can: 380 tons!!! That weighs damn near as much as Rosie O'Donnell!

But worst of all, that was my 380 tons of high explosives!!! Someone had better hurry up and find the sh*t, or you can rest assured I'll be sending the Bush family a bill for every last ounce of it.

Monday, October 25, 2004

President Bush continues to tell Americans he is the candidate best able to protect them.

Personally, I'm inclined to believe him. After all, it's been scientifically proven that even the dumbest rats in a maze learn through their mistakes. Now don't misunderstand me: I'm not trying to insult Mr. Bush by calling him a rodent. I merely used that particular comparison because of the similar IQ's involved. And in the case of the President, he certainly learned something when he chose to completely ignore Richard Clarke's warnings about Al Qaeda in early 2001.

You know what else Bush reminds me of? Abusive husbands. Seriously, think about it: Such men are always telling their wives that no one else will love them, that no one else can take care of them, so "you can't leave me." And that's exactly what his campaign has been saying lately.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

One of the more controversial topics to come up during the infidel Americans' current futile exercise in democracy is the possibility of a military draft being reinstituted. Bush's opponent, who surprisingly has not yet been jailed (after all, that's what I used to with MY opponents) has said that the President already has plans to do that. Bush, of course, who is fighting to keep from joining the ranks of the unemployed, denies the accusation. And we ALL know what his credibility is like, don't we?

So who's telling the truth? Who knows? But here's a clue: The US army is strongly considering adding women to its combat units to offset a serious shortage of personnel. Well, guess what? If they're so desperate for people that they're thinking about doing that, it means that more soldiers are needed. And if fewer people are enlisting voluntarily, then that means that the draft can't be far behind.

Sure, Bush has promised that there won't be a draft. But all he has to do is declare that circumstances have changed because of the ongoing "War on Terror," which includes attacking countries that don't have any frikkin' terrorists in it, and the Republican congress will immediately roll over and vote to restart the draft.

So if you're an American between the ages of 18 and 25, and you want to be President in about 30 years or so, ask your rich and influential daddy to get you into the Texas Air National Guard now!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox! They have proven that even when faced with a far superior force, the underdog can still win. And for some reason, I take great comfort in that.

Now onto other matters: Every Halloween the stupid infidels begin playing an old song known as "The Monster Mash." This thing has been around for some 40 years now. Even the guards here in the cellblock constantly play it as they drag us across the floor at the ends of dog leashes.... And it pisses them off to no end when I take a dump in the middle of the hallway because then they have use a pooper scooper. And needless to say, in my case, they require the jumbo extra large industrial capacity one.

I mention this only because I have stumbled across a great--and timely--new remake of the song.


I am faced with a most vexing dilemma tonight....

At 3:20 A.M. the Boston Red Sox go up against the New York Yankees in game seven of the Infidel League Championship Series. Now I'm not generally a baseball fan, but I do despise the Yankees because of the way they constantly vanquish much weaker foes. So nothing would give me greater joy than to see them vanquished by the BoSox.

A few days ago it seemed like Boston was finished, but they became the first team in MLB history to win three straight playoff games after being down 0-3 in a series. If they can win tonight, it will give me hope that I can yet win this current conflict I'm currently engaged in with the United States.

But here's the problem: My favorite TV show, "Lost," comes on at 3:00! Now if I still had my TiVo, this wouldn't be a problem. I'd record "Lost," then go back and watch it after the game.... Assuming, of course, I haven't smashed my TV into tiny little pieces because the Yankees won. But unfortunately the Americans confiscated the TiVo back when I was captured, and I haven't seen it since. I requested a new one from the Red Cross the last time they checked up on me, but I fear the aid worker was kidnapped before he could get back to the Green Zone with the paperwork.

Damned insurgency....

Anyway, if you're not familiar with "Lost," it's about a group of plane crash survivors stranded on a deserted island. I find myself fascinated by the way they are gradually filling in the backstories of the various passengers through flashbacks.

Did you see the one a couple of weeks ago where the kid got his dog back? I don't mind telling you that I bawled like a baby! But don't tell anyone or I'll have torture you. Got that?

The character I'm most interested in is a guy named Sayid. He claims to be a former member of my Republican Guard, but damned if I remember seeing him around. Then again, most of us look alike, so who knows?

My least favorite character is the Korean guy. He constantly seems to be bossing his 'wife' around, and just appears to be a general all-around prick. I'm hoping he gets eaten soon.

And getting eaten is a very real concern on this island. There's some sort of mysterious creature in the woods. No one has yet seen it, but the survivors can hear its growls, and see entire trees swaying as it stalks them. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that it will turn out to be some sort of distant evolutionary cousin of Iraq's own legendary Camelman.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

An American General last December wrote a letter to the Pentagon complaining about serious problems. He said the army was having trouble getting spare parts for tanks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and Blackhawk helicopters. One reason all those extra parts were needed was because they were being damaged during combat.

Oh, well, excu-u-u-U-U-u-use me!!! This is a war, after all. Heaven forbid anything should be damaged!

I'll try to be more careful when President Jenna Bush invades me in another 20 or 30 years.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirere

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

There have been rumors over the last several days that my former Foreign Minister, Tariq Aziz, had gone to the big dune in the sky. I have it on good authority, however, that such is NOT the case. Tariq is still very much alive.

The rumor apparently started when Dan Rather and CBS News announced they had documents proving Tariq's death.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

One of the most fascinating things about following President Bush's campaigning is wondering what the hell he's going to say next. Yesterday, for example, he was addressing a crowd in Florida when he sought to dispel rumors of a possible military draft by saying "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain: We will not have an all-volunteer army."

Of course, he quickly realized his mistake and said that what he meant to say was that there will be no draft.

Now I realize that English is a difficult language. Many non-native speakers have difficulties mastering it. Even I, as smart as I am, hardly speak a word of it. Remember the Dan Rather interview? I needed a translator.

But George W. Bush was born in America. He has lived there his entire frikkin' life. The man is now well into his fifties. Bush even went to one of the top schools in the United States, Yale University.

Isn't it reasonable to assume he would have picked up the damn language at some point along the way?

Saturday, October 16, 2004

---------------Tom Toles, The Washington Post

The American military prides itself on being a highly disciplined fighting force, and I've certainly seen evidence of that, um, "firsthand." So when a platoon in the United States army refuses orders in Iraq, it should be taken as a warning sign of serious problems despite Bush's claims of "everything in Iraq is just great! It's a regular desert paradise! The troops love it! The road to a democratic and free Iraq has a few teeny-tiny potholes, but aside from that, everythings on schedule! They're going to have elections in January! Ignore the suicide bombers in the supposedly secure Green Zone!"

Members of the 343rd Quartermaster Company have refused orders to deliver supplies along a highly dangerous route. They claim that their equipment is unsafe and prone to frequent breakdowns, and that the fuel they were to deliver was contaminated.

There is some question now as to whether the soldiers involved are merely being questioned or are actually being held under armed guard.

Friday, October 15, 2004

---------------Jim Margulies, The Record, (New Jersey)

There are four things In this world I despise more than anything else. They are, in order:

1) Shiites.
2) Kurds.
3) The Fox News Channel.
4) Building naked human pyramids.

And today I got some good news concerning one of the above: Bill O'Reilly, head loudmouth on Fox News, is being sued for $60 million. It seems that one of his production assistants is claiming that O'Reilly sexually harassed her!!

Among the various charges being leveled at Mr. Big Mouth is that he repeatedly tried talking to Andrea Mackris about vibrators, phone sex, and his own sexual antics.

All right, Bill!!!! It's always good to see a Republican get in touch with his inner pervert.

But the best part of this sordid little tale is that O'Reilly asked Andrea to get a good looking girl friend to join them for some three way action!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little menage a trois. All O'Reilly has to do is to keep the blonde on one side of the bed, the brunette on the other, and that way it will be "fair & balanced!!"

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Now I wasn't going to say anything about this because I didn't want to alarm any of you. I know how much each and every one of you worries about my health. But now that the uncontrolled media has gotten a hold of the story, I guess I'll go ahead and tell you that I had hernia surgery a couple of weeks ago.

But don't fret!! Everything turned out okay despite the fact that Cheney was in the operating room and kept spitting on the scalpel. And I wasn't too thrilled about having Rumsfeld as my anesthesiologist.

Most importantly, my hair is growing back just fine. It does, however, itch like crazy. I just hope none of the other inmates mistake my constant scratching as some sort of invitation.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Now here's a funny story. You know how Bush always whining about stopping "nuculer" proliferation? Well, now it turns out that a whole crapload of my old "nuculer" material is missing, and it's the Americans' fault!!!!

Entire buildings and the precision equipment they housed have gone missing. This is stuff that United Nations weapons inspectors had tagged before I expelled them six years ago. When the inspectors returned in late 2002, they continued to monitor the material until Bush forced them to leave Iraq in March of last year. Then, once the "major combat" was (allegedly) over, they weren't allowed back in by the invaders.

I know exactly what he means.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

Renown infidel legal scholar Tung Yin writes in response to my post about the Afghan elections: "Wait, I'm confused. I thought Iraq *was* a democracy under your reign. Here in the Infidel States, we read about how you won elections with 101% of the vote."

And that is entirely accurate, Mr. Yin. I think where you are becoming confused is in the subtle differences between "American Style Democracy" and "Iraqi Style Democracy." You see, under American Style rules you start off with several candidates, and then through a series of small scale votes (primaries or conventions) you whittle the field down to two principle contenders, plus the occasional third party gadfly who can't take a f*cking hint.

The citizenry as a whole then votes in a national election, and the person with the most votes wins.... Unless, of course, the Supreme Court becomes involved because senior citizens who are too old to even remember where they parked the damn car screwed up their ballots.

Under Iraqi Style rules, on the other hand, you start off with several candidates in addition to myself. Then I shoot my opposition, torture their families, and date their daughters.

Then, and only then, do we actually hold the election.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Here's a question to ponder: Is President Bush a dummy?

No, no, I don't mean in terms of his I.Q. Besides, I think we all know the answer to that one already.

No, I mean is he literally a dummy, like a ventriloquist's dummy? You know the ones I mean: Those wooden things, where someone shoves his hand up the dummy's butt and makes his mouth move, but really it's the puppeteer doing all the talking.... Kind of like what I used to do with my Minister of Information.

Some alert observers noticed that during his first debate with John Kerry, Bush had an odd, square shaped bulge in the back of his jacket. There is some speculation that perhaps it was a transmitter of some sort, and that either Cheney or Rove were feeding him answers.

Now I know some of you are thinking that's a rather rude question to raise about the leader of the free world. Perhaps so, but is it any ruder than invading a sovereign nation under false pretenses?

Besides, even the Washington Post has addressed this issue! Of course, they didn't exactly use the word "dummy" in describing the President, but that's only because they didn't want to generate a flood of letters to the editor from wacko Republicans.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

I have been rejoicing at the wonderful news out of Afghanistan today. In case you missed it, their attempt at democratic elections has gone down the toilet!!

Yesterday's voting was supposed to be the triumphant conclusion of three years of work by the United States. But instead, it's only resulted in more controversy among the different warlords. Apparently the problem is that the permanent ink used to mark those who voted turned out to be easy to wash off. Thus, it is impossible to say whether some voters may have cast more than one ballot.

As a result, the 15 candidates running against Interim American Puppet Hamid Karzai have gotten together and agreed NOT to honor the election results.

This is a perfect example of why dictatorships are so much simpler than democracies: You don't waste time campaigning, voting, and arguing over who won. And if anyone ever does have the audacity to question your right to lead, well, you just shoot 'em!

Saturday, October 09, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Friday, October 08, 2004

A sympathetic infidel reader has emailed me a link to another great music video featuring Bush and Kerry. This one is to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger," which I believe was the theme to Rocky MXCVIII.

Incidentally, you can find links to more Bush related music videos on the left hand side of the page under the "Musical Interludes" header.

Bush should have known better than to try and breast feed that kid.

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Inteligencer

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

In yet another embarassing setback for the White House, Secretary of Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld has publicly said that he has seen no "strong, hard evidence" linking me to Al Qaeda.

Well, DUH!!!!

Isn't that what I've been saying all along? But do people listen? No, because they foolishly believe I'm out of the picture.

But that's okay. I'm keeping track of who says what about me, and when I return to power, rest assured a lot of people are suddenly going to be flip-flopping.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Now even former Infidel Administrator Paul Bremer has come out and said that the US didn't have enough troops to set up a proper occupation. According to him, this allowed an "atmosphere of lawlessness" to become established.

Say what you will, but lawlessness was something I never tolerated. If someone stole as much a piece of fruit from a street vendor, they would end up having a hand chopped off. Oh, and you know what was funny about that? We'd always give the suspect a choice of which hand to have removed. Then, depending on which one they picked, we'd chop off the other one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, after a while the criminals started figuring this out. So they would say they wanted their right hand chopped off thinking we'd chop off their left hand. But then we would, in fact, chop off their right hand.

But the criminal mind is always quick to adapt, and so the criminals started telling us they wanted their left hand chopped off thinking we thought they meant they wanted their right hand chopped off when they really meant their left hand, all the while knowing that we would chop off their right hand.

Well, needless to say, all this psychological warfare became VERY confusing after a while.... So we started chopping off their feet instead.

The trick, you see, is to stay one step ahead of the criminals. Of course, that's not too hard when they're hopping around on one foot!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

That's it. Iraq is doomed. The country will descend into civil war and cease to exist as a single nation.

Now some of you are probably saying, "But Saddam, that's an overly pessimistic view of the current situation! How can you be so sure of this?"

Because I said so. And what the hell are you doing questioning my ravings? Do you want to lose your thumbs? Because if that's the case, I will be more than happy to grant your wish.

Besides, Donald Rumsfeld just said that Iraq is NOT descending into civil war!

Keep in mind that this guy is the same genius who said that more American troops weren't needed in Iraq and that everything is going just fine and dandy. He's also the chief architect of the current occupation. And this man has done an exemplary job of repeatedly demonstrating that whenever he predicts something, the exact opposite ends up happening.

So yes, Iraq is doomed to civil war.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Did you watch the debate between Bush and Carrie? Oh, how I love being the center of attention!!!! Reminds me of some of the parties I used to throw. Of course, at them I was the center of attention for a different reason: The guests' lives depended on it! And may Allah the merciful have mercy on the souls of those who failed to RSVP in a timely fashion....

Which brings me to my next point, which really wasn't going to be a point at all, but now that I mention it, will be a point, though not the major point, of today's entry: What's wrong with people nowadays? If someone sends you a fancy-schmancy invitation to a lavish party, or a bar mitzvah (though I personally never got a whole lot of those), or a wedding, or a public execution, and they ask you for an RSVP, please take a few minutes to respond. Otherwise, how is that person supposed to know how many people to prepare for? It's the polite thing to do.

Unless you happen to be a despot like me, of course. Then you can show up at parties uninvited any damn time you feel like it.

Now back to my orginal point: That Carrie guy certainly has my vote! Did you see him running rhetorical circles around Bush last night? I thought he made some very good points, but feel free disagree with me if you want. Just keep in mind that it will be the last opinion you ever have.