Saturday, December 30, 2006

What a pisser!

I can't believe they're about to hang me. And please, no wisecracks about me being "well hung." I'll come back from the dead and personally kick anyone's ass who makes a joke like that.

What did I do to deserve this? Well, aside from gassing those villages, I mean. Has anyone stopped to consider the fact that once I'm gone, there won't be anyone left to put Iraq back together again? You think Bush is going to do it? HA!! Not a chance.

More importantly, who's going keep George Lucas from making more movies? He ruined the Star Wars franchise with those last three pieces of crap, and now it looks like he's about to do the same with Indiana Jones. So don't come crying to me if Jar-Jar Binks shows up as a Nazi.

Anyway, I'd like to thank all of YOU, my loyal readers. We've had some good times over the last few years, haven't we? Remember the time I snuck out of the country just so I could review King Kong for you? How about my explanation of "irony?" Or my date with Jennifer Lopez? And remember that time I bumped into Don Rumsfeld at the Tikrit Starbucks!?! HAHAHA!!!! Those were fun times, and I will treasure those memories for the rest of my life.... Or the next 30 minutes, whichever comes first.

I know I haven't been posting much these last few months, but I've been busy getting my affairs in order. And don't expect my writing to pick up anytime soon. Being dead tends to stunt one's creativity.

Still, death won't be all bad. At least I won't have to worry about waking up with a hangover New Year's morning.

Goodbye, farewell, and amen.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Iraq in Al Qaeda, or whatever it's called, says that over 4,000 insurgents have been killed since the infidel invasion of 2003.

WOW!!!! That's a lot of virgins!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Americans are constantly complaining about their traffic, especially during the rush hours. The drive takes too long, or there was an accident, or everyone slowed down to watch a guy change his tire, or the sun was in my eyes, or a bird crapped on my hood, or whatever.

Oh, grow up!!! Stop complaining, for crying out loud!!! Do you realize how easy you have it, bird poop not withstanding? I mean, compare what you have to go through with what Iraqis must contend with on a daily basis. For example, here's a great story about 21 commuters on a bus getting shot to death!

Suddenly that fender bender on the interstate seems trivial, doesn't it?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I found this touching tale over at Muslim Refusnik:

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off, the Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a Coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's right shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with a Coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's left shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

Monday, May 08, 2006

Friday, May 05, 2006

Well, this is certainly embarrassing. The United States has apparently obtained the outtakes from Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's latest video and, well, he comes across as just a little less than fearsome. For example, he apparently has trouble figuring out how to operate a machine gun until one of his underlings finally shows him. Later one of his underlings grabs the barrel of a machine gun that has just been fired and burns his hand. And in another scene, Zarqawi--who has condemned all things American--is seen wearing a pair of New Balance sneakers.

So yeah, on the surface all that stuff seems embarassing. In fact, an American General held a news conference to point all those things out. And yes, Zarqawi does end up looking like quite an idiot. On the other hand, if he really is such a fool, what does that say about the Americans who can't catch him?

Speaking of videos, here's a fascinating interview with some insurgents who continue to fight on my behalf. I get all misty-eyed whenever I watch it.

Poor Donald Rumsfeld. The American Secretary of Invasions of Peace Loving Nations Who Wouldn't Hurt A Fly was in Atlanta yesterday to deliver a speech when he was heckled by a number of audience members. Among the unamerican protesters who dared exercise their right to free speech was a former CIA analyst named Ray McGovern, who asked this little gem: "Why did you lie to get us into a war that caused these kind of casualties and was not necessary?"

Rumsfeld never did answer the question.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Saturday, April 29, 2006

The United States has long said that it will leave Iraq once the Iraqis are properly trained to defend themselves. That may prove to be even more difficult than previously thought.

The Americans are finding that many of the same Iraqis they are training to take over security duties are also fighting for the insurgents. This has led to a breakdown of trust between the two sides.

Guess it's a real bummer when you can't trust your enemies.

A jury in California has awarded $1.7 million to a woman who was spanked on the job.

Jeez.... I guess it's a good thing I gassed those 148 villagers instead of spanking them!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Just when you Americans thought it was safe to stop being paranoid, Osama bin Laden releases another audiotape.

You remember Osama, don't you? He's the guy who planned and carried out the hijackings five years ago that killed 3,000 people. Oh, and let's not forget the London, Paris, and Bali bombings that have occurred since then. Yes, not only is Osama still out there, but he's got access to a freakin' recording studio!!! But that's okay, because I'M in jail on charges of killing my own citizens.

Maybe it's just me, but if I were President of the United States, I probably would have been more concerned with capturing the lunatic who killed the 3,000 Americans than going after some dictator who only kills Iraqis.... And Kuwaitis, but that's besides the point.

Admit it. Sometimes I actually make sense.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Friday, April 21, 2006

You know what Iraq needs? Honesty. And for that reason Hussein Ali Kamal, the deputy interior minister, should be commended for speaking out. He recently said that Iraq was in a "state of undeclared civil war."

Of course, no sooner had he said this that a whole bunch of other government officials stepped forward to say that Ali Kamal was nuts. Then those same people quickly dove for cover.

Bush and Cheney especially continue to insist that everything here in Iraq is going swimmingly well. It's the news media's fault for always reporting bad news, you understand. That's the only reason that average Americans are discouraged by what's happening here.... Yeah, I guess dozens of people dying every day at the hands of suicide bombers is giving people a bad impression.

What has to happen before the Americans finally admit there is a civil war under way? Should someone fire on Fort Sumter?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Remember those trailers that were supposedly my WMD labs? Well, they're back in the news again. You may recall that Bush once declared that "We have found the weapons of mass destruction." The President made that bold statement on May 29, 2003, shortly after the trailers were captured. Top administration officials kept repeating the claim for months afterwards.

The fact that it was wrong is now well known. What has NOT been known until now is that Bush himself knew it to be wrong when he uttered those words!! A Pentagon team had already gone over the trailers and sent their conclusions back to Washington on May 27, two DAYS before the President fibbed to 280 million of his citizens.

So again, could someone please explain to me why I'M the one on trial!?!?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I've heard that the Iraq war is costing the United States almost two billion dollars a week! Granted, they're a rich country with lots of resources, but it appears that the Americans are finally beginning to get desperate.

They're starting to confiscate gold from the teeth of drug suspects in an attempt to raise more money!

Things in Iraq continue to deteriorate. Today, for example, suicide bombers hit a Shiite mosque, killing dozens of worshippers.

"So what, Saddam," I hear you saying. "There's nothing unusual about that. Suicide bombers are always blowing themselves up in Iraq nowadays." Well, yes, you silly infidel. That would normally be true, except these were not your regular run-of-the-mill suicide bombers. "What do you mean by that? Were they women? Children? So what? That's still not all that unexpected. And haven't you been wearing those same briefs for the last six months? Why don't you go put on a fresh pair, for Allah's sake!"

All legitimate points, dear readers. And as I said, these were not normal suicide bombers. These were TRANSVESTITE suicide bombers!!!! And when the cross dressers in a society start blowing themselves up, you know things are really, really, REALLY going to hell!

By the way.... If you ever question my lucky underwear again, I will track down your IP address, come over to your house, and personally attach electrodes to your testicles.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Court was fun yesterday. The stupid prosecutors took it upon themselves to decide, "Hey, let's cross examine Saddam and see what happens!" They kept trying to pin some massacres on me, and for the most part, I admitted to them! And why not? Those silly Shiites tried to assassinate me, so of course I took action to defend myself. It's called justice, for crying out loud!

I'm a firm believer in capital punishment, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, even the United States invokes the death penalty on occasion. Look at the case of Zacarias Moussaoui, the so-called 20th hijacker. A jury in America just sentenced him to death, and he never even killed anyone! All he did was plan to kill people, and that alone got him the death sentence. Well, that, and the fact that he kind of forgot to tell anyone about the 9/11 plot.

So how is that any different from what I did? I merely carried out just punishment against someone who planned me harm. Well, except in my case, I wiped out entire villages containing thousands of people, but the general principle is the same.

Plus, I didn't have to bother with trying to find jurors!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Oh, for crying out loud...! Now they're going to charge me with yet ANOTHER act of genocide!?!? This time it's for killing Kurds, which I don't understand. I always thought genocides were a bad thing, so how can killing Kurds be a "genocide?" Besides, shouldn't we finish up the first trial before we start a new one?

If you ask me, all these charges are the result of a conspiracy by lawyers. The longer the bastards can keep me tied up in court, the more money they stand to make.... Well, at least the ones that avoid being kidnapped and beheaded.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Remember how in the months leading up to the invasion of Iraq the Bush administration had said the country would be rebuilt from the money generated by oil sales?

Well, that plan has been quietly abandoned. Between insurgents constantly blowing up oil pipelines, the cost of continuously rebuilding just repaired infrastructure, and paying for expensive security for contractors, the plan just never worked. In fact, in some ways Iraq is actually worse off than it was BEFORE the war! In particular, production of electricity is below prewar levels. That's not good in a desert country which relies so heavily on air conditioning.

Now comes word that the United States is simply giving up and turning the expenses over to Iraq and its neighbors.

Oh, that's nice. Bush comes in here, breaks everything in sight, and then doesn't even bother to clean up the mess HE made!!!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Here's another good one: Now Bush is blaming me for the instability in Iraq.

How the hell is it my fault!?!?! The Americans have been running Iraq for almost three years now. As for me, I've been in jail for the last 27 months!!! And it's somehow MY fault the place has gone to hell in a handbasket?!?!?!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Did you happen to catch Bush's press conference last week? Here we are, three years after the invasion of Iraq, and he's still managing to come up with new reasons to justify the attack!

Longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas, who has been questioning American leaders since Abraham Lincoln, asked Bush if he regretted his decision to go to war.

Of course, Bush said no. He then went on to justify the invasion by saying that part of his job after the September 11 attacks was to "make sure that we didn't allow people to provide safe haven to an enemy. And that's why I went into Iraq. ... The Taliban provided safe haven for Al-Qaida."

Uh, excuse me? The Taliban was over in freakin' Afghanistan!!! That's TWO countries away from Iraq!!! Will someone PLEASE give this man a map, for crying out loud!!!

Even worse, the President then went on to tell what can only be described as a bald-faced lie: He said that another reason he invaded was because I was barring the United Nations weapons inspectors from doing their jobs.

What a load of crap.

In fact I did allow the inspectors in. Yes, I only did so under severe threat of military action, but the fact is that U.N. teams under Hans Blix were on the ground in Iraq conducting inspections. And yes, they were being allowed to go wherever they wanted. I wasn't necessarily happy about it, but the fact remains that I did finally allow it. You may also recall that it was the United States itself that finally told the inspectors to leave Iraq a three days before the launch of hostilities. An appeal by Hans Blix to allow more time for them to conduct inspections was rejected by the Americans.

And they ask me why I drink....

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Americans have announced plans to build a base on the moon, which they will then use to prepare for a trip to Mars.

Haven't they learned their lesson yet? They're already stuck here in Iraq with absolutely no prospect of getting out, and yet they're still thinking about going to other planets?!?! I mean, Iraqi insurgents are bad enough, but at least ours don't go around laying eggs in your chest cavities the way those Martian insurgents do.

The Americans have announced plans to build a base on the moon, which they will then use to prepare for a trip to Mars.

Haven't they learned their lesson yet? They're already stuck here in Iraq with absolutely no prospect of getting out, and yet they're still thinking about going to other planets?!?! I mean, Iraqi insurgents are bad enough, but at least ours don't go around laying eggs in your chest cavities the way those Martian insurgents do.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Thursday, March 23, 2006

With the third anniversary of the unlawful invasion of my peace-loving nation which would never have harmed a fly (unless it was a Shiite fly, of course) President Bush has been busy delivering speeches trying to justify his actions.

One of his favorite anecdotes is the one about the success in Tal Afar. The city had been overrun by foreign fighters, but then the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment moved in. They took a far more patient attitude with the insurgency, flooded the streets with patrols, and built a wall around the city to better control access points. Lo and behold, things turned around, and Tal Afar became Bush's model for counter-insurgency operations.

The problem is, however, that once the 3rd Cav moved out, those pesky insurgents began seeping back in. The current situation is further complicated by the sectarian violence between Shiites and Sunnis that is rapidly becoming the norm throughout the rest of the country.

It's kind of like a dike. No, not dyke, you idiot. I meant dike! Why would I be talking about lesbians at a time like this? You people need to get your minds out of the gutter.

I was referring to those big walls that hold back water. They'll spring a leak in one spot and so you stick a finger in it. Then another leak pops up, and you stick another finger in that one. But the stupid leaks keep coming, and soon you've got your pants down around your ankles trying to plug the 11th leak with your pecker.

Here's a funny story: In West Virginia a woman asked Bush "what could be done to keep the press from ignoring progress in Iraq."

Yeah, those growing piles of dead bodies keep obscuring all the good that is being accomplished.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Monday, March 20, 2006

Gosh, has it really been three years since the start of Bush's unlawful trespass onto sovereign Iraqi soil? Hard to believe, isn't it? Well, you know what they say: Time flies when you're having fun.

What apparently no one realized until now, however, is that time also flies when a country is descending into a state of total, complete, utter chaos from which there is absolutely no chance of recovery.

Happy anniversary!!

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Much of the world is seeing massive protests to mark the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I am humbled that so many people still think of me. Excuse me while I blow my nose.....


There's just one little thing, and it's really so minor that it's almost not worth bringing up, and I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful by even mentioning the subject, but, well, it's just that, er, how shall I put this delicately.... THE WAR DIDN'T ACTUALLY START UNTIL MARCH 20!!!!!!!!!!! TODAY IS STILL THE 18TH!!!!!!!

So yes, while I'm touched by the outpouring of sympathy, I'm also somewhat embarrassed that my supporters can't read a freakin' calendar.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

People seem amused that I still consider myself the legitimate President of Iraq.

Well.... DUH!!!!

A number of other so-called presidents, prime ministers, and "interim authorities" have supposedly run the country over the last three years. None of them have successful; indeed, the entire nation is only slipping further into chaos and anarchy. Besides, those last several Iraqi governments have been more illegitimate than most children born to Hollywood stars.

The unpleasant fact is that I am the only one who has been able to hold this place together. It's time to cut the nonsense and let me restore order.

Only thing is, I will need some mustard gas to bring those damn uppity Shiites back under control. Does anyone know where I can get some? As the whole world now knows, I haven't had any WMD's for at least 12 years now.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Wow! Now I know what it must feel like to be manic-depressive. Yesterday I was openly weeping as I mourned the passing of my good friend and fellow former bloodthirsty tyrant Slobodan Milosevic. Today, on the other hand, I've been positively giddy with glee! In fact, I've been laughing so hard I about peed my pants!

The source of this overwhelming joy in my life is this news item about one of Bush's top aids being arrested. No, no. Unfortunately it wasn't Karl Rove. If THAT had happened, I probably would have literally died laughing and then you wouldn't be reading this blog entry, would you?

It was some guy named Claude A. Allen. He's not someone I had ever heard of before, but Allen was nonetheless Bush's top domestic advisor. That makes him pretty senior in the White House pecking order.

Oh, and what was he arrested for, you ask? Well, THAT'S the best part!!! He was arrested and charged with running some sort of refund scam that swindled two department stores out of $5,000!!

I guess the White House must be getting really, really, REALLY desperate to find ways to pay for the war!!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

This is terrible news, and it just goes to show you that nothing is fair in this crazy, mixed up world of ours.

Slobodan Milosevic has died.

Yes, it is sad, isn't it? In fact, I've been sitting here on my metal toilet crying about it for the last hour. Sloby was my hero in many ways, and I was his. We despots have to stick together when it comes to standing up against the democracies of the world, you know. Otherwise they'll trample all over you, and try to impose human rights on your country. And what fun is it being a tyrant if you have to allow freedom of expression?

More recently, I have been trying to model my defense on his trial. Did you know they've been trying him since 2002? Oh, yes! The man was a genius at forcing trial delays, offering legal motions, and creating a general circus atmosphere in court.

Kind of like O.J. Simpson, if you can remember that far back.

Friday, March 10, 2006

The American Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, says that IF a civil war were to erupt in Iraq, it would be the responsibility of the Iraqi defense forces to deal with it.

Huh!?!? What the hell kind of attitude is that!?!? I'm sorry, but that kind of thinking is just plain irresponsible.

Look at it this way: If someone takes their dog out for a walk and it drops a fresh, steaming pile of gooey doo-doo all over the sidewalk, isn't it expected that the dog's owner will clean it up before someone steps in it? After all, if the guy hadn't taken the dog for a walk, the doo-doo would never have ended up on the sidewalk in the first place. Am I right or am I right?

So how is the current situation in Iraq any different? After all, if the Americans had never have invaded in the first place, Iraq wouldn't be on the verge of civil war. Again, am I right or am I right?

Rather than skulking away and pretending to know nothing about that fresh pile of doo-doo in the middle east, Rumsfeld needs to own up to the fact that it's his responsibility to clean up the mess.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Well, this is certainly disturbing! According to a recent poll in the United States, two thirds of Americans would like to see me executed! On the other hand, the majority of citizens of eight other countries also surveyed--including England, France, and Germany--would prefer to see me imprisoned for life.

Any guesses on who I'd rather have on my jury?

What the hell...? Is this supposed to be someone's idea of joke? I don't find it a bit funny.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Have you heard about that popular new movie in the Middle East that's raising eyebrows? It's called Brokeback Jihad. It's about two wannabe suicide bombers who run off to an Al Qaeda terror training camp. The only thing that explodes, however, is their mad, passionate love for one another.

A new poll shows that 80% of Americans believe that civil war in Iraq is inevitable. Even a clear majority of Republicans feel that way. What's more, 52% of Americans think Bush should begin withdrawing troops now. In terms of whether the withdrawal should be gradual or immediate, opinions are mixed. And here's my favorite line from the article: "Two-thirds of those interviewed said they doubted that the president has a clear plan for handling the Iraqi situation."

Do you hear that loud flushing sound? That's the sound of the Bush presidency making its way into the history books.

My only complaint about this poll is that none of the questioners thought to ask whether I should be restored to power.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Some people are calling the recent spike in Iraqi violence a blow to U.S. goals.

Ah, yes. It's always nice to hear some good news for a change. What is disturbing, however, is that these same experts are saying that the threat of civil war seems to have passed for the time being.

Well, maybe so. But sooner or later someone will blow up something important, thereby pissing off one sect or another, and a fresh round of deadly clashes will ensue. And me? Well, I'll just sit here on my metal toilet and laugh my ass off!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Flemming Rose, the Danish editor who first made the decision to publish those cartoons a few months ago, has written an article explaining why he did it.

Most of what he says makes sense, I suppose, if you're into that whole freedom of the press crap. But then he turns around and says that while he saw no problem running those cartoons, he would never agree to publish pornography. That's the same argument many other newspaper editors made: No problem with the cartoons, but we would never print pornography.

No pornography!?!?! No wonder newspaper circulation figures are falling!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

WOW!!!! This is just too cool!!!! Do you know how many people have been killed since the Askariya Shrine was blown up last week? 1300!!! In less than a week!!! Most of the deaths were the result of Shiites seeking retribution against Sunnis for what happened at the shrine.

I can't say this for sure since I don't have my records handy--I think the prosecution has them--but I'm fairly certain 1300 dead in one week is more than I averaged during my 24 years of rule. Granted, there were periodic spikes in my totals whenever I took out an entire Kurd village or something, but on average, I'm sure I was killing well under a thousand innocent people a week.

Meanwhile, Sunnis are striking back by forcing Shiites in predominantly Sunni areas to get the hell out of town or be killed. Not much of a choice, if you ask me.

Bush, of course, denies that this is in any way indicative of Iraq descending into civil war. Of course, this is the same man who also thought I had WMD's coming out my butt, who had never even heard of Hurricane Katrina until five days AFTER New Orleans flooded, and who didn't even know the ports were being sold to the UAE even though his own underlings had already approved the transaction.

The man's credibility knows no bounds.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Damn. I slipped up during my trial and admitted to ordering the destruction of some orchards as reprisal for that assassination attempt against me.

I may not have been worried about the Americans, but I sure as hell don't want the Earth First! people after my hide. That bunch is almost as crazy as some of my fellow Muslims.

If true, this is a real pisser.

According to the New York Times, Germany supplied the United States with extensive intelligence about my defenses for Baghdad. Germany is denying the allegations, however, so we'll have to see how this story develops.

Frankly, I find it hard to believe. I have always trusted the Germans and have nothing but the utmost respect for them and their fine weiner schnitzel. Stealing secret information about my defenses? That's the kind of backstabbing crap I'd expect from the French, who will collaborate with anyone they're scared of. But the Germans? No, I can't believe that.

On the other hand, it would certainly explain why my forces crumbled so easily when the Americans attacked. I had thought it was because my officers were cowards, and now I almost feel bad that I executed so many of them for running away.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Monday, February 27, 2006

Well, the Olympics have finally wrapped up. I followed the games pretty closely, which really shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, I've had a lot of free time on my hands lately.

The only complaint I really have is about the cheerleaders. At first I couldn't figure why I was so disappointed in them, and then it finally dawned on me: They're wearing w-a-a-y to many clothes! I mean, if you're going to get a crowd worked up, you have to show some skin, for crying out loud! With all the stuff these women were wearing, they'd almost have been acceptable to Osama.... Or at least I think they would have been acceptable to him. I don't really know for sure since we haven't discussed it. After all, we have no meaningful ties.

On the other hand, my favorite story to com out of these games was the American skier Bode Miller. He went to Turin with a really cocky attitude, acting like he was some sort of hot shit who was going to show everyone how great he is. So what happens? He screws up most of his runs and ends up winning zero medals. But is he humbled by his repeated failures? Does he apologize for disappointing his fans? No, of course not. In fact, he ends up telling a reporter "I'm comfortable with what I've accomplished."

Kind of sounds like Bush, doesn't he?

I also loved that little soap opera between the Italian dancers, Barbara Fusar Poli and Maurizio Margaglio. In case you missed what was arguably the most memorable moment in these Olympics, the two had almost finished their routine when Margaglio slipped and sent Poli sliding across the ice. The mistake cost them dearly in terms of points from the judges. But the best part was yet to come as the woman started staring daggers at the poor guy. In fact, the temperature in the entire arena dropped by seven degrees.

Even the next night, as they were getting ready to go back out on the ice, the two could be seen not speaking to one another. As I'm sure Margaglio learned the hard way, it's never a good idea to piss off a woman.

My favorite part of the Winter Olympics has always been the women's figure skating competition. No, it's not that I'm into ice skating, you idiot. It's those little skimpy outfits they wear, with their skirts flying up, and their butts hanging out as they glide backwards across the ice! Little Saddam always quadruples in size when watching that.

Anyway, I've decided that once I return to power, I'm going to launch a bid for Iraq to host the 2014 winter games. Granted, we don't get a whole lot of snow around here, but sand will work almost as well. Oh, and you don't have to worry about sand melting in these times of global warming.

I know that NBC was disappointed with the ratings for the Olympics. Apparently many Americans just weren't that interested. But I already have a great idea to make Iraq's 2014 games the most watched in history: I'm going to add a lesbian ice dancing competition! Every guy in the world--except for those two that keep sneaking up Brokeback Mountain--will want to tune in for that!! And these will be good-looking lesbians, the kind that actually look like women and even shave their armpits!

And if this idea doesn't get me out of jail, I don't know what will.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Former Pentagon spokesbabe Torie Clarke has written a book, "Lipstick on a Pig." Basically the book says that if you have bad news, get it out in the open right away and be done with it. If you try to hide it, or sugarcoat it, or give it a positive spin, you're only going to make things worse for yourself in the long run.

Anyway, in her book she quotes Rumsfeld as saying only hours after the 9/11 attacks that "his instinct was to hit Saddam Hussein at the same time -- not only Bin Ladin." This is just further proof that the bush people have had it in for me all along, regardless of whether or not I was a threat.

It's no fun being framed. Just ask O.J.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

That's odd. I just received an invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Askariya shrine has in Samarra has long been considered one of the holiest sites in Shiite Islam. Er, make that HAD been, since some insurgents kind of, well, blew the place up yesterday. Needless to say, Shiites throughout Iraq are royally pissed off about the incident, and have attacked and set fire to dozens of Sunni mosques in retaliation. And while the initial blast caused no casualties, at least 19 Sunnis have been killed by Shiites out for revenge.

Of course, the retaliatory strikes are only going to serve to piss off the Sunnis, who in turn will seek revenge of their own. That, in turn, will piss off even more Shiites, and pretty soon you've got a never ending cycle of violence, and a hell of a lot of piss. Everyone ends up blaming everyone else, and soon no one even remembers what initially touched off the fighting.

The question then is not whether or not there will recriminations, but rather how much longer the killing will go on. And the answer, quite frankly, is that the killing will go on until everyone is dead. And as long as the women on each side keep giving birth, that could be a very long time indeed.

Beautiful, ain't it?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

On numerous occasions in the past I have talked about why despotism is superior to democracy. Tonight I would like to revisit the topic since I have just discovered yet another reason: Darwinism.

Yes, despotism is all about survival of the fittest. And when you have a totalitarian form of government, the smartest, most ruthless, and shrewdest individuals will naturally rise to power. Iraq and myself are the perfect example of this. When I was in charge, Iraq was a functioning nation. But when the stinkin' infidels showed up, its ecosystem was severely disrupted, I fell from power and the country went straight down the toilet.

In a democracy, on the other hand, any idiot can get himself elected President. A perfect example of that is.... Well, do I really need to say it?

I mean, have you heard about what Bush is proposing now!?!?! He wants to turn control of two of America's biggest ports over to a company controlled by the United Arab Emirates! Forget the damn Olympic athletes; Bush is the one who needs to be tested for drugs!

Some of his countrymen are understandably upset by this proposal and are questioning its wisdom. The President, of course, is defending his idea. He points out a British company used to manage those ports, and says that his opponents need "to step up and explain why a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard."

Well, um, perhaps because the British are military allies of the United States; because they speak the same language; because they and the Americans share similar values; because none of the 9-11 hijackers spoke with a British accent; and because English companies don't run the risk of being infiltrated by a bunch of religious fanatics. Need I go on?

When I read this story, I had to shake my head in disbelief. It's not that I really care if the Americans shoot themselves in the foot. And heaven forbid I should go meddling in a sovereign nation's internal affairs.

My problem with all this, quite frankly, is that I'm embarrassed and ashamed: I can't believe this idiot actually managed to beat me.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Sunday, February 19, 2006

One thing that has been lost in all the fuss about those Muhammad cartoons is that more photos (you'll find links to a slideshow and the original Australian TV report near the top of that link) from Abu Ghraib have made it out into the open. It should be pointed out that these were taken about the same time as the ones from two years ago. We were even warned back then that were more pictures that had not been releases.

Some of them are quite disturbing, and I won't post them here. Unlike the cartoons--which I did publish--these photos are real life and not the work of some stupid artist.... On the other hand, I've always considered torture to be an art form, so in that sense these images are comparable to the works of Rembrandt or da Vinci. To be honest, some of them make me quite jealous.

But don't worry. I've been taking notes.

Now it's Nigeria that has suffered riots because of the Muhammad cartoons. Sixteen people have died there.

If nothing else, these protests are providing the world with an excellent geography lesson.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

What is it with Libya? Are those people a little slow on the uptake, or what? The rest of the Muslim world has been rioting, killing, burning, destroying, and creating an all-around nuisance of itself for the last two weeks, and the Libyans have only now joined the party?

Well, better late than never, I always say. At least when they did decide to finally show up for the festivities, they did so with style: Nine dead outside the Italian Consulate in some city I've never heard of.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Some time ago I joined Netflix, and initially I was quite happy with the results. After watching, say, "Guerrillas in the Mist," I'd stick it in the mail and within two days I would receive my next movie. But then after a while I began to notice that the turnaround time was increasing. I had blamed the lag on poor mail service, which seemed to make sense. After all, if the stupid infidels can't keep the electricity on, how can they possibly be expected to deliver the mail in a timely fashion, especially when insurgents keep kidnapping and beheading the mailman?

But now I have come to find out that the sudden sub-standard service is no accident. It's actually a very deliberate ploy by the people at Netflix called "throttling." They will do that with people who watch their movies too quickly. You see, the faster you watch your movies and return them, the more movies they have to send out to you every month. And since the postage costs them 78 cents per DVD, overly active accounts can start eating into their profit margins. So what do those weasels at Netflix do? They increase the turn around time on their movies. That way you end up watching fewer movies, and they end up paying less in postage!

Turns out that's what happened to me. Especially since I kept boycotting my trial so often, I was finding myself with a lot of spare time to watch movies. And since I was getting the discs back in the mail literally within hours of receiving them, Netflix decided to "throttle" me. And believe me, I do NOT enjoy being throttled. In fact, the last guy who tried to throttle me in the shower ended up impaled on a bathroom fixture.

When I take over the United States under the terms of my out of court settlement for wrongful invasion, my second order of business will be to march right over to Netflix headquarters and put a stop to this nonsense. If I'm going to pay $17.99 a month to have three movies out at any given time, they had better be prepared to live up to their end of the bargain. I shouldn't be penalized for watching too many movies.

Oh, you're wondering about my first order of business? Revoking Dick Cheney's hunting license. The guy's a menace to humanity.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I have been conferring with my attorneys, and we have decided to try a new defense strategy in my trial. You know all the thousands of people I killed and all those villages I gassed?

Two words: Hunting accidents.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

My trial was back in session today, and once again they're trying to pin all sorts of ridiculous crap on me. Like those memos, supposedly in my handwriting, ordering the deaths of those people. I can not begin to tell you how disappointed I am that someone has forged those documents which I had ordered shredded! You just can't get good help these days....

But even if we assume for a moment that those documents are real, and that is actually my handwriting, what's the big deal? So what if I really did order the deaths of all those innocent people? What's the problem? The Americans have such a double standard.

Case in point: When Dick Cheney goes around shooting people, how come you don't see international tribunals putting him on trial?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A former CIA official who was the national intelligence officer for the Near East and South Asia for five years has written a blistering article about the Bush administration. In the magazine Foreign Affairs Paul R. Pillar admits that while the agency was wrong on the issue of WMD's, that was not what led to the war. In fact, says Pillar,

"It has become clear that official intelligence was not relied on in making even the most significant national security decisions, that intelligence was misused publicly to justify decisions already made, that damaging ill will developed between [Bush] policymakers and intelligence officers, and that the intelligence community's own work was politicized."

In other words, the administration didn't really care what the facts were. The war was going to happen no matter what.

In addition to "cheery-picking" bits that of intelligence that would justify an attack, Pillar also accuses Bush officials of "ignoring warnings that the country could easily fall into violence and chaos after an invasion to overthrow" little ol' me.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Well, I'm certainly honored! Some columnist at that great infidel rag, The Washington Post, quoted from my February 4 post:

At the satirical Saddam's Palace blog is this too-true statement: "religious wackos come in all denominations."

While I am flattered, I must question the writer's choice of the word "satirical." What does that word mean? After all, my command of the English language is almost as bad as President Bush's, so you'll have to excuse my ignorance. Is she somehow implying that I'm not actually the one writing this blog?

Let me once again reiterate that there is no truth to the rumor that I am actually a 15 year old junior varsity cheerleader in Poughkeepsie, New York. That story is nothing more than a deliberate falsehood perpetrated by the CIA in a pitiful attempt to discredit me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take my pom-poms out of the dryer.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Unbelievable as it may seem, Muslims are still pissed off by those stupid cartoons. People are even rioting in Afghanistan, with seven people dead in the last two days. Demonstrators have gone as far as to attack military bases to voice their anger. A NATO base in Maymana was attacked by a mob armed with guns and grenades. The soldiers on the other side of the fence apparently didn't appreciate that a whole lot and returned fire. Three people were killed and 22 were wounded.

Two thousand protesters--some of them armed--even tried the storm the country's main U.S. base at Bagram! The Americans shot back, and that pretty much ended that particular party.

I'm guessing that the people of Afghanistan have already forgotten that it was the westerners who rescued them from the Taliban. How's that for gratitude?

Monday, February 06, 2006

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Have you been following the story about the offensive and blasphemous cartoons about Mohammad? Pretty much the entire Muslim world has been thrown into a tizzy over them.

The whole thing started when some European newspapers reprinted the cartoons, most of which had appeared last summer in some Danish papers. When Muslims objected, even more newspapers reprinted them, if for no other reason except to piss off anyone who wasn't already pissed off!

And boy, have they succeeded! Schoolkids throughout the Islamic world are burning the flags of various European nations, and in Gaza City, masked Palestinian gunmen have surrounded the offices of the European union.

Personally, I think the whole thing is a hoot!! The western infidel newspapers are asserting their freedom of the press, while we Muslims are reinforcing westerners views of us as a bunch of religious crackpots. And while there may some truth to that, let me point out that you Christians have Pat Robertson on your side.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Robertson, he is a major televangelist--that's someone who convinces ignorant poor people that they have to send their money to televangelists in the first place or go to hell--in the United States. Last year he called for the assassination of Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez (Hmmm.... A Christian advocating someone be killed?) Then he later predicted that the town of Dover, Pennsylvania would suffer his God's wrath for rejecting its pro intelligent design school board in favor of one that advocates that actual science should be taught in science classes.

My point is simply that religious wackos come in all denominations.... Which means, I guess, that the only sane people in this world are atheists.

Anyway, as a public service, I am providing you, my stinkin' infidel readers, with three of the cartoons. If you'd like to see the rest of them as well, click here.

Thanks to Danny for providing the link to the cartoons. Have a virgin on me, Danny.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Well, once again my trial is on hold. So what else is new, right? Like I've said, at this rate it won't end until 2015 at the earliest. And what these clowns haven't figured out yet is that the more they delay the proceedings because of my antics, the more it encourages me to act up even more!!!! I'm like a little kid who craves being the center of attention....

Well, except that most little kids aren't on trial for gassing entire villages.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

The United States preaches that "freedom of speech" stuff, but I guess that only applies to other countries.

For example, Cindy Sheehan showed up for President Bush's State of the Union address the other night wearing a t-shirt that said "2,245 Dead. How Many More?" Her fashion statement not only got her removed from the building, but arrested as well.

Then a little later, a Republican congressman's wife was also asked to leave, but she was wearing a "Support the Troops" shirt. Police justified their actions on the basis that it's only fair. Well, I suppose that's true, in a dictatorial police state sort of way. After all, IF you're going to oppress an anti-war protestor, then you really should oppress the pro-war protestor as well.

But then the next day the husband of the woman got involved and condemned the officers' actions for ordering his wife to leave, yet in the same breath said they were right to arrest Sheehan.

Well, I'm confused. How can you allow one but not the other? Is freedom of speech a pick and choose kind of thing?

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Monday, January 30, 2006

For those of you wondering what REALLY happened at my trial yesterday that caused the whole thing to descend into chaos, here's a pretty accurate description of the proceedings. The only part of the account I take issue with is my alleged threat to blog about the day's events on MySpace. That part is obviously wrong since I am--and have been for the last three years--on Blogspot. Besides, MySpace is for 15 year old girls.

I just wanted to set the record straight on that before the CIA ends up with faulty intelligence.


I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm really looking forward to that new movie about the Bush administration.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Boy, the new judge running my trial is a real asshole. He had the audacity to throw me out of the courtroom because I kept interrupting him, disrupting the trial with outbursts, standing up to deliver political speeches, and cracking everyone up with fake farting noises!!!

So much for that so-called "freedom of speech" crap.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days, but I've been laughing my ass off over those Palestinian elections. A couple of days ago it looked like Hamas might pull off a respectable showing, but it turns out they won by a freakin' landslide!! 76 out of a total of 132 seats!!

Hmmmm.... I wonder if that fits Bush's definition of a "mandate."

Of course, now the United States government is voicing its concern over the results. They apparently didn't expect a terrorist organization which has repeatedly called for the destruction of Israel to win!

Personally, I don't see what everyone is complaining about. Bush and Cheney were the ones who kept saying they were going to bring democracy to the middle east. Well, it's working! They should be happy!

I guess this just proves that old adage about "be careful what you wish for."

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I'm sure you've heard the old warning about "Don't drink the water." Usually it applies only if you're visiting some third world country, like Honduras, Somalia, or France. Turns out, however, that you should also follow the advice if you're an American soldier on an American military base!

Accusations have surfaced that Halliburton--yes, Dick Cheney's old cronies--were supplying an American base with contaminated water! An inspector tried to warn his higher ups but was ignored.

This is hardly the first time questions about military contracts have arisen. And last year Democrats tried to hold hearings on the matter but were repeatedly blocked by Republicans.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The people running my trial are so screwed up that it's downright hilarious. It's like a bad Saturday Night Live skit.... Or is the term "bad Saturday Night Live skit" redundant?

Anyway, the judges had us sitting around for four hours waiting for proceedings to begin, then they abruptly canceled it until Sunday! They claim it's because a number of witnesses and lawyers are on their pilgrimage to Mecca, but I think that excuse is nothing but a colossal load of camel crap. The fact is they're scared of getting killed. And that's certainly understandable, considering that a number of people associated with my trial have met premature and untimely deaths.

The judges should be ashamed of themselves, for they are making a mockery of Iraq's legal system. Back when I was in charge, we didn't have these kinds of embarrassing problems with our courts.

And the reason was quite simple: We didn't bother with trials.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Gosh, I just remembered that my trial resumes tomorrow. I better get busy! No, not planning my defense, you infidel idiot. I don't need to defend myself. After all, I'm not the one who invaded a helpless, defenseless country.

Well, except for Kuwait, but that doesn't count.

However, I do need to come up with a fresh list of insults and tirades to unleash against the judges. The only one I've come up with so far is "Oh yeah? So's your mother!"

Pretty original, eh?

Have you heard about this hamster and rat snake that are happily sharing a cage at the Tokyo zoo? The snake's keepers put the hamster in there last October for the snake to eat, but instead they've become close friends! Some people are amazed by this, since snakes generally try to kill small animals and eat them.

Personally I don't see what the big deal is. So the two of them get along, peacefully coexisting side by side. Unusual things sometimes happen in this world of ours; get over it.

If, on the other hand, the snake were Arab and the hamster Jewish, and they weren't trying to kill one another, THAT would be truly amazing!!

Saturday, January 21, 2006