In the past I have mocked the Americans' so-called torture techniques as being amateurish. Then I read this.

It seems that one of my generals, Abed Hamed Mowhoush, was captured a couple of years ago. His interrogators worked him over pretty thoroughly with beatings but he refused to cooperate.

So on the morning of Nov. 26, 2003, two Americans soldiers stuffed him in a sleeping bag, bound it up with electrical cord, and beat him yet again.

Mowhoush ended up dying in that sleeping bag. The Americans initially said he died of natural causes, but now the truth has finally come out.

In the past, Rumsfeld and other Bush officials have justified the harsh questioning of prisoners by arguing that they are not soldiers, but terrorists and thugs and therefore exempt from the protections of the Geneva accords. Yet here we have someone who is clearly a top military officer with the enemy, and he was literally beaten to death! If my people had captured a top US general and subjected him to the same brutal treatment, and he had ended up dead, what do you suppose would be Bush's reaction?

Right. He'd be talking it up as further evidence of the savagery and brutality of the evildoers who hate freedom and democracy.

Anyway, I have to admit that I'm impressed. Stuffed in a sleeping bag and bound with electrical cable, eh? Very impressive.

I'll have to add that one to my own repertoire.

Former President Jimmy Carter of the United States has weighed in on the controversy over Guantanamo Bay. He says the prison there us a "disgrace" and an "embarrassment" to America. He also calls the invasion of my peace loving nation, which would never have hurt a fly--well, unless it was a Shiite, Kurdish, or Kuwaiti fly--as "unnecessary and unjust."

Strong words indeed, and normally I would welcome such opinions from a former leader of the U.S.

On the other hand, we are talking about Jimmy Carter, who was and still is a wiener. I mean, the guy allowed a mob to occupy his embassy in Tehran and hold 52 of his countrymen hostage for a year and a half. Do you think Bush would have allowed that kind of nonsense? Of course not. Hell, Bush is crazy enough that he would have bombed Iran back into the stone age.

On the other hand, how would anyone have told the difference?

Remember the Abu Ghraib torture allegations? Ever since that story broke last year, Bush Administration officials have insisted it was the work of a few "rogue" soldiers on the midnight shift. Some were court martialed even as their defenders insisted they were acting on orders from above.

Now some documents have been uncovered that place the blame squarely in the lap of the White House. They show that the military lawyers were opposed to the harsh interrogation methods because they violated both domestic US laws, as well as those of foreign countries.

It was the Bush Administration's attorneys that said that the methods were justified because of the "special" nature of the war on terror. And since crap flows downhill, the Administration won while the guards on the night shift went on to take the fall.

Was the torture justified? Well, in most cases, yes. Allah knows that I've never hesitated to torture my prisoners. But on the other hand, I've never tried to justify my actions by taking the moral high ground. I mean, sure, I'm a brutal, bloodthirsty despot with no regard for human life, but at least I'm not a hypocrite.

Lately there has been a lot of criticism in the United States about the conditions at the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba. One Senator went as far as to compare the conditions there to Nazi prison camps.

This came on the heels of an Amnesty International report that likened the Guantanamo prison to the Soviet Gulags. The White House, not surprisingly, wasted no time condemning Amnesty International. Curiously, Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld had no problem with the group a couple of years when they cited Amnesty International reports about me in order to justify their invasion of my poor, defenseless nation.

So this next item ought to piss off a whole lot of people: The Pentagon has just announced that it will add room for 220 more detainees. Oh, and here's the best part: Do you know who got the $30 million contract to build this addition?

Halliburton!!!!!

That's right. Dick Cheney's old outfit. If this doesn't send Bush's critics into an absolute tizzy, I don't know what will.

More good news from the Guantanamo Bay prison: Even the US military now admits that the Koran was mishandled. One copy had urine splashed on it, a second one had a "two word obscenity" was written in English inside its cover, and another was deliberately kicked by a guard.

Ah, but the good news is that none were flushed down a toilet!

But the one that gets me is that several copies got wet while guards were throwing water balloons at the prisoners.

Water balloons!?!?!?!?

I'm quite proud of the many forms of torture that I have used on my people. Pulling fingernails out with pliers, attaching electrodes to nipples, hanging people from the ceiling by their testicles, cutting off limbs, etc. But I am ashamed to admit that I have never, ever, tried throwing water balloons at prisoners.

Those American guards are a truly sadistic bunch.

Not surprisingly, PFC Lynndie England has pleaded guilty for her role in Abu Ghraib prison torture scandal. While she has not been sentenced yet, most observers think that her willingness to admit that she was wrong, the fact that she's now a mother, and a general consensus that she's dumb as a rock will lead the court to give her a light sentence. In fact, she may end up serving only a few years in prison, followed by several hundred hours of community service working on a chicken farm.

According to some investigation by the infidels, I made over $21 billion in kickbacks from the United Nations' oil for food program.

Well, so what? Everyone's gotta make a living! I mean, did you see my palaces BEFORE the Americans moved in and trashed the places? You think those gold plated toilet seats grow on trees? Hell no!!! That stuff is expensive, and only available by special order from Home Depot. So yeah, I decided to make a little money on the side.

Besides, why is that MY fault!?!?! Not only were the French and the Russians willing participants in the scheme, they're the ones who thought it up!!

But do you see any of them getting invaded, thrown in jail, and forced to participate in naked human pyramid building!?!?! No!!

I get blamed for everything.