Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I see that things in Florida aren't going very well after all those hurricanes, which I understand are similar to sandstorms except with water.

Thousands of people remain without homes, many schools are still closed, and well over a million people are still without electricity.

Hmmm.... Sounds a lot like Iraq!

So how long till the insurgency starts?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

The CIA recently prepared something called a "National Intelligence Estimate," and it contains truly heartwarming news. Well, heartwarming for me, anyway.

It says that the best case scenario for Iraq is a continued insurgency. The worst case scenario is outright civil war. Some observers would argue that we are already in the early stages of that worst case.

Did Bush actually think that the Sunni minority of my country would agree to be ruled by a Shiite majority? That's like saying that because there are more cockroaches than humans, the bugs should rule mankind!

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Monday, September 27, 2004

I'm introducing a new, periodic feature in which I will take selected comments and answer them in my posts. It will appear on a somewhat irregular basis, perhaps every week or two. Then again, I may also decide to discontinue it entirely. Who knows? You see, that's one of the great things about being a dictator: I can do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to whomever the hell I want!!!! Assuming it's okay with the guards, that is.

I've been debating what to call it. One possibility I considered was "Saddam's Mailbag," but the comments aren't really mail. And Allah only knows I certainly wouldn't want to do anything deceptive or misleading!!!

Then I thought of "Dear Saddam," but I didn't want it to sound like some sort of fruity advice column.

At thst point I went back to the drawing board and decided to name the column after what I do best. So without further ado, here's the first installment of:

Mock the Infidels

* Reader Tung Yin writes: "Hey Saddam, what kind of crap is this news story, er, propaganda that I've read: "CAIRO (AFP) - Toppled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is miserable sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial on charges of crimes against humanity and has begged for mercy, Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said in an interview." What do you plan to do about this sort of calumny?"

Well, Mr. Yin, the first thing I plan to do is look up the word "calumny." And haven't I warned you previously about using big words around me? Have you already forgotten the lesson I taught you? Or are you merely bored and you actually want electrodes hooked up to your naughty bits?

cal·um·ny: 1) A false statement maliciously made to injure another's reputation. 2) The utterance of maliciously false statements; slander.

Ah, now I understand! Basically, you're asking me if Allawi is a lying sack of camel crap!! Well, I'm just going to follow John Kerry's example and not do ANYTHING while others say slanderous things about me. Mr. Allawi also insists that things are going swimmingly well in Iraq, so I'll let his credibility speak for itself.

* Another reader, Joe, wrote in response to the Sept 20 entry: "get a life you immature losers. funny how you complain about Bush, yet you emulate a person who has killed millions of his own. and as for the discovery of AMD's, where is your mention of Mustard Gas, and Rican, both of which are banned as AMD's. These are gasses used to kill people, and gases that he (saddam) tested on the kurds(his own people). where do you obnoxious little sh*t-weasels get off? chances are that you will delete this post anyway, kinda funny how you will defend someone who has called for the death of all Americans, yet you will not allow free speach to reign free on your own website. please, put your tinfoil hat back on, continue blaming the "Eevil" Chenney-Haliburton-Bush-Rove" death squads for everything. if you care to stand up for this stuff that you beleive in, please feel free to email me. but try useing facts in your arguments. i have read your aimless spew here, and don't need an email full of it."

First of all, let me say that I admire your command of the English language, Joe. It's almost as good as President Bush's! Your inability to master the proper use of capital letters, as well as your heavy reliance on misspelled words certainly says a lot about your intellectual capacity!! Have you thought about trying out for Jeopardy!? On second thought, maybe you better not. You'd only end up owing Alex Trebeck money.

Had you taken the time to peruse the rest of this site, you would have seen that I have often spoken with great pride of gasing Kurds and Shiites. I have never denied using such substances in the past; the question that needs to be asked is whether I still have them. After all, that was one of the initial reasons for the invasion of my country. All that crap about creating a free and democratic Iraq only started AFTER the search for WMD's came up empty.

Oh, and I have not killed "millions" of my own people. That is an outrageous, baldfaced lie!! Who told you that crap anyway? The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth?

At last count it was only 999,354.

* Finally, Danny the Infidel asks: Has the first edition of 'Car Bombs for Dummies' reached the Baghdad book stores yet?

Yes, but the delivery truck blew up before it could be unloaded.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

'Boondocks,' by Aaron MagruderInterim Puppet Prime Minister Ayad Allawi has been in Washington during the past week. Apparently he and George Dubya engaged in some heavy drinking, because that's the only way I can explain their optimism about the future of Iraq.

It should be obvious to everyone that not only are things getting worse, the whole stinkin' place is descending into total, absolute chaos. Foreigners are being kidnapped at an accelerated pace, bootlegged copies of beheading videos are selling on streetcorners, three or four car bombs are going off every week, Iraqi police and army recruits getting targeted for attacks at increasing rates, and more American troops are being killed and wounded than ever.

Quite frankly, the country is so royally f*cked up right now that I'm no longer sure that even I want it back. After all, I'm a despot, not a miracle worker.

Yet these two clowns continue to insist that those stupid elections will go forward in January. Um, how? Despite what Allawi says, large portions of the country are in the hands of various insurgent groups. Does he seriously believe those places will be able to participate in elections? And if, in fact, large portions of Iraq can not vote, what will that do to the legitimacy of any future government?

'Boondocks,' by Aaron MagruderOn the other hand, any future Iraqi government that does not have me in charge is, by definition, illegitimate.

Even Donald Rumsfeld, whom I consider to be a ninny of the highest order, has conceded that large parts of the nation may not be able to vote. But then there are people at the State Department who insist that EVERYONE in Iraq will be able to do so.

It's becoming obvious that not only is President Bush living in the land of Oz, but that even the rest of the United States government is populated by clueless Munchkins.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Have you heard of a brain dysfunction called "perseveration?" A couple of psychologists have written a paper suggesting that the German fighter ace known as the Red Baron suffered from it.

People who suffer from perseveration stubbornly persist in a task even when they know it is doomed to failure. But they become so fixated on the task at hand that they absolutely can not give up on it. In the case of the Red Baron, he pursued a British pilot into enemy airspace even when he knew he was certain to be shot down. The authors of the paper theorize that in the case of the Red Baron, the disorder was brought on by a head wound he had suffered some time before.

Hmmm... A fixation on an unattainable goal.... Extreme stubbornness....

Does anyone know if President Bush bumped his head when he passed out during the pretzel incident a few years ago?

---------------Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer

Monday, September 20, 2004

United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan has caused a bit of a stir with his pronouncement that the Iraq war was "illegal."

Now please understand that I don't want to seem ungrateful, because I'm not. And I say this because I know that there are certain individuals out there who think I'm rude, uncouth, and have bad table manners. And that's just not true! I am actually very well versed in the social graces, and I read Miss Manners almost every day! I even know which fork is for what at fancy dinners!

On the other hand, since I'm usually busy fulfilling my duties as a brutal despot who gases his own people, I don't generally have too many opportunities to show off my refined tastes. Besides, I don't want to look like a pansy.

I say all this because I want you to understand that I have put a lot of thought into the precise wording of the question I'm about to ask:

Why the F*CK didn't that stupid son of a bitch say this a year and a half ago?!?!?!?!?!?!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

---------------KAL, Baltimore Sun

Friday, September 17, 2004

Have you ever wondered what fuels the insurgency in Iraq? I recently stumbled across a short video interview with one of the groups outside of Tikrit. Apparently it's somewhat dated, since they make reference to the "hunt for Saddam." Either that, or the boneheads are illiterate and haven't read that I've been, er, "temporarily detained." Current or not, it's quite informative.

It gives me great joy whenever I see despotism and oppression spreading to another country like a beacon of darkness in the light of day.... Or whatever the hell I just said.

Quite frankly, Vladimer Putin had me worried for a while. He was genuinely toying with democracy and freedom for a while. That's a dangerous combination, and it can easily cost a national leader his job. His announcement that he is suspending the free election of local governors is certainly a step in the right direction, and shows that he's finally coming to his senses.

Of course, President Bush immediately had to step in with some comic relief, and he was absolutely hilarious!! In case you missed it, Bush said that Putin "must uphold the principles of democracy."

Um, excuse me, and please forgive me if I'm wrong on this point, but doesn't one of those so-called "principles of democracy" say that the guy with the MOST votes wins?

So then why isn't Al Gore President?

Saturday, September 11, 2004

What day is it? Monday? That means my favorite show is on tonight. No, no, I'm not talking about Terrorist Eye for the Infidel Guy. I meant my OTHER favorite show, Labor and Materials.

Every week they go to someone's bombed out house and rebuild it. They film the entire process, and it's actually quite surprising how good the show is.

Then after they're done, a film crew from "World's Wildest Car Bombs" shows up and blows up the house again!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Actually, I was just kidding about that last part. Well, MOSTLY kidding.....

Anyway, the show is hosted by some 29 year old chick named Shaima Emad Zubair. Quite frankly, I've always been intrigued by women who know how to wield power tools. I wonder if she would let me plug mine in?

I was referring to my belt sander, you frikkin' perverts!!!

When I get out of here, I plan to track her down. From what I've heard, a number of my palaces are in serious need of remodeling.

Friday, September 10, 2004

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelpia Inquirer

My head hurts. Of course, that's to be expected since I've been beating my head against the bars of my cell ever since I heard this latest little tidbit of news.

The infidel congress of America passed a resolution marking the third anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Now that's all fine and noble. I would have no problem with the move IF it had only stopped there. But, of course, it didn't.

The resolution notes that "since the United States was attacked" on 9/11, "it has led an international military coalition in the destruction of two terrorist regimes in Afghanistan and Iraq."

Excuse me? That kind of makes it sound like I was somehow behind those attacks! And I thought it had been settled a long time ago that I had absolutely nothing to do with it! Even that 9/11 Commission pointed out that it had found no connection between Al Qaeda and me. So why do some people continue to insist that I did?

Granted, I'm a tyrant. And yes, I ran a reasonably brutal dictatorship. And true, I loved to occasionally engage in the mass slaughter of Shiites and Kurds, but who doesn't? Besides, what I do in the confines of my own borders is my own damn business! I mean, have I ever told the United States how to run an election? No, of course not!!

Though lord knows someone should!

Ah, but we are talking about Republicans, though, aren't we? Not only do they go poking into what goes on behind closed borders, they want to dictate what goes on peoples' closed bedroom doors, too!!! So I suppose I really shouldn't be all that shocked.

Here's the best part: The guy who wrote this resolution, Henry Hyde of Illinois, actually said in response to the critics, "there is a direct connection between the war in Iraq and the bombing of Sept. 11."

The people running the damn country have the collective IQ of a sand fly. Is it any wonder the United States is so royally screwed up?

Sunday, September 05, 2004

So what's the big surprise? I've already said that I called Johnny Cochran. What do you think I am, a fool? I mean, if Cochran can get frikkin' O.J. Simpson acquited, he can get ANYONE acquited!!

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

Friday, September 03, 2004

As you know, I am always out to provide my vast legions of loyal readers--as well as the occasional passers by who probably also like to stop and stare at car wrecks--with new features and services on my site. In keeping with that desire, I have added a countdown feature which will track the days till two important events. You can find this new addition on the left of the screen, immediately above my large throbbing poll but below the Iraq War cost counter.

Now some of you may be saying, "Why Saddam, that is certainly big news! Are you privy to secret, inside information, and do you have any other large throbbing poles we can play with?"

No, I am not privy to such things. However, the events of the last 18 months or so have left me somewhat cynical and bitter about the world in which we live. So it wouldn't surprise me one bit if bin Laden were to be suddenly "found" four days before America's presidential election.

As to the second part of your inquiry: If you are a woman--preferably attractive with shaved armpits (though at this point I'm willing to take anything)--visiting hours are 5-8 P.M. weeknights, and 2-8 P.M. on weekends.

If you are a man, call the Governor of New Jersey.

Have you been following the progress of that Cassini spacecraft orbiting Saturn? It's returning very interesting information to the infidel scientists in charge of it.

For example, the NASA people had expected to find evidence of frozen water on the planet's moon, Titan. But instead of being covered with smooth ice, its surface is jagged, with large cracks and jagged ridges. And they're also not finding the expected evidence of liquid methane or clouds of ammonia.


Hmmm.... The Americans seem to have a real habit of not finding what they're looking for!

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

---------------Marshall Ramsey, The Clarion Ledger