Saturday, December 13, 2003

People have asked me, "So Saddam, when you take over the United States, and you first set foot in your capital of Saddam, DC, what will you say to the American people? Assuming, of course, your head doesn't explode first from trying to contain your enormous ego?"

Well, I've been thinking about that. And I've decided to go with John Carpenter's words from the movie They Live: "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum." I've always been fond of that line.

But my more immediate concern is my '73 Vega. It's developed some transmission problems and died on me earlier just outside Tikrit. If it weren't an inanimate object incapable of feeling my wrath, I would have shot the sorry SOB piece of crap for betraying me like that.

Anyway, I caught a ride from a passing illegal occupying force patrol and had them drop me off at a small farm in Adwar. I'm hiding there now, in a cleverly disguised seven foot deep spider hole. No way those idiot Americans will find me here!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Hold on. Someone's at the door. I wonder who that could be at this hour? HOLY SH

The American appointed Iraqi Governing Council of Infidel Controlled Puppets wants to create a special court to try me and my top officials--well, the ones still alive, anyway--on charges of genocide and crimes against humanity.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm still not clear on what exactly I'm guilty of. I mean, the whole reason for this current mess the United States finds itself in was to eliminate my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction. Well, when they couldn't find any, suddenly the reason became establishing democracy and ending oppression.

Oh, be-have!!! I'm dictator, for crying out loud! Oppression is in the job description, for Allah's sake! Seriously, have you ever heard of a non-oppressive dictator? No, of course not!! There's no such thing!! I mean, that's almost as funny as the absurd idea of establishing a thriving oasis of democracy and freedom in the heart of the middle east! It goes against the very laws of nature.

In fact, wasn't it Isaac Newton who laid out the fundamental governing principles of the Universe?
1) The first law of thermodynamics says that energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another.
2) This one says that heat can never transfer from a colder object to a warmer object. Therefore all natural processes involving the transfer of energy can only take place in one direction.
3) If you remove all the thermal energy contained in molecules, you achieve a state known as absolute zero. This occurs at 0 degrees Kelvin, -273.15 Celsius, and -459 Fahrenheit.
4) The speed of light is an absolute, despite the science of Star Trek.
5) There is no way in hell democracy can ever survive in the middle east.

Besides, as I've said before, freedom is overrated. Most muslim societies have been oppressed for so long that they would have no idea how to be "free." Islam and freedom are self-exclusive. Just ask Osama. Or for that matter, ask America's buddies in Saudi Arabia.

All this talk by Bush saying that I'm evil is motivated by nothing more than jealousy. Seriously, do you think for one second that if Bush thought he could get away with it, he wouldn't torture Michael Moore or cut off Al Franken's testicles? Of course he would!! And he'd also put a stop to that stupid election next year!

But, of course, he can't. And so when he sees someone like me who can inflict massive physical pain on opponents at will, and not have to bother with pesky periodic election campaigns, Bush turns green with envy! And the fact that the Republicans' constant attempts to convert America into a Christian theocracy keep bumping into that Constitution thing is probably sticking in his craw as well.

Besides, the members of that court are going to look kind of silly trying to hold a gavel with no opposable thumbs.

The Americans truly mystify me. They are being picked off on a daily basis, and one would think they would do anything to bring that under control. And some of their officers are certainly trying their best.

One in particular, a Lt. Col. Allen West, went as far as to discharge an weapon next to an Iraqi prisoner. Didn't actually shoot him, you understand, just wanted to scare him. And it worked, because the sniveling coward began talking about future plans for ambushes. So what happens? Instead of being awarded a medal for saving the lives of his men through innovative interrogation methods, West almost gets court-martialed. And though he avoided that fate, he is nonetheless being discharged from the army.

Now personally, I would have shot the prisoner. None of this scaring the guy. Nothing gets a man talking like the site of his own blood. But that's just me and my patented technique.

It's no wonder I'm winning in Iraq. And if the American military continues to tie the hands of its own personel with silly rules, I shall continue to do so.

Friday, December 12, 2003

I see Bush is really sticking to my friends in Russia, France, and Germany by not allowing them to bid on contracts to rebuild Iraq. One of the conditions Bush is holding over their heads is that they must first forgive the billions of dollars of debt I owe them.

Hmmm.... Never thought I'd say this, but I sometimes I really REALLY like Bush!!

On the other hand, the fact remains that Iraq wouldn't have to be rebuilt in the first place if a certain unnamed sole remaining world superpower hadn't come in here and trashed the place!!!!

The Pentagon has discovered that Halliburton may have overcharged my poor citizens a total of $61 million for gasoline!

I don't know about you, but I'm certainly shocked. Well.... okay, maybe not.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Now I know some of you are probably thinking to yourselves, "That Saddam really hates the Shiites, but they can't possibly be THAT bad!!

Well, first of all, yes, they can. And secondly, go torture yourselves till you scream in agony for daring to question me.

Here's a perfect example of how stupid they are: They Iraq to set up a theocracy based of strict interpretation of Islamic law along the lines of what Iran has had for the last 25 years.

Yet the majority of the Iranian people do nothing but bitch & moan about how awful their government is, and how they can't wait for the old Ayatollahs running the country to croak.

Well, there goes the neighborhood!


Wednesday, December 10, 2003

I went barhopping last night and met this really hot chick. Turns out she's American, and she even gave me her number. If you think I'm making this up, feel free to give her a call! Her number is 212-660-2245.

And tell her I said hi.

Do you ever watch "24"? It's one of my favorite shows, so it will help you lead a longer, healthier life if you do. And as you probably already know, each season's episodes take place in "real time," over the course of a 24 hour time period.

In the first season, super secret agent Jack Bauer was trying to save a presidential candidate. Last year he was trying to stop nuclear terrorists. Now this year Jack's trying to to stop the spread of a deadly, bio-engineered virus. And advance word on NEXT season is that Jack Bauer will attempt to capture me!! Of course, they will have to change the name of the show to "24,000". Needless to say, it will be a v-e-r-y l-o-n-g season!


But enough about Jack. My favorite character on the show is his daughter, Kim. And I have to thank Allah that there's no such thing as blonde Arab chicks. I mean, yeah, they're easy on the eyes, but man, some of them can be dumb as a dune.

In the first season, Kim sneaks out of the house, gets kidnapped three times, held hostage four times, shot at, and watches her car explode, all in 24 hours!!

In contrast, the typical Iraqi citizen can easily go three, maybe four days, without any of those things happening to them.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

I hear that the the Iraqi National Symphony will be performing in Washington, DC tonight. How dare they!?!? They will pay dearly for this foolish indiscretion. I'll fix it so none of them can EVER have children again!!

That's right: I'm going to have their tubas tied.

First of all, let me say in my defense that this guy is exaggerating. Granted, I didn't keep exact records, but my accountants--formerly of a much respected American company called Enron--assure me that it couldn't have been much more than 275,000 killed.

280,000 tops.

By the way, I suppose I should mention that I stole the above photo from the unofficial Hillary Clinton Fan Clubwebsite.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

People sometimes say to me, "Saddam, running an insurgency must be incredibly expensive. How do you do it? And if it's not too much trouble, could you remove the electrodes from my testicles?"

Well, yes. It is rather expensive. Between the munitions and the death benefits for my fighters, the costs really add up. But by using former AOL and Enron accountants, I'm able to cover it up and make it look like I'm still turning a profit.

Besides, I'm generating huge revenues from sales of the newly released on DVD sex video of me & Paris Hilton. I will confess, however, to editing out the scene where the two of us fell off the bucking camel. I'm saving that for the special Director's Cut edition, due out in time for Ramadan next year.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

And I'll release those electrodes when I damn well please. In the meantime, stop your shrieking. It hurts my ears.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Saturday, December 06, 2003

The other day, President Bush was getting ready to sign some bill and referred to little Terrance Martin, a guest for the ceremony, as a six year old. Well, little Terrance--who apparently has cajones the size of mine--spoke right up and corrected the leader of the free world by pointing out that he's actually seven!!

Bush, in an effort to salvage what little dignity his presidency has left, tried to laugh it off by saying he would "take it up with the fact checker."

Hmmm.... Must've been the same fact checker that said I had weapons of mass destruction out the wazoo!

----------Ajit NinanIndia Times(sent by Vaiday)

Friday, December 05, 2003

So I'm sitting here watching the late night news when I almost choked on my camel & bean burrito.... President Bush lit the United States National Christmas Tree a little while ago.

No big deal, you say?

Well, that would be true except for minor detail: The ceremony was called the Pageant of Peace!!

Bush participating in something containing the word "peace?!?" Now THAT'S ironic!!!!

And YES, I already checked with Alanis Morissette, and she agrees: It's ironic.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

----------Gamble, Florida Times

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

So this morning on the radio I hear some weather forecaster say it's going to be a beautiful fall day here in.... Well, never mind exactly what city. You're not catching me THAT easy! Suffice it to say that today was supposed to be a sparkling late autumn day with temperatures a cool 35 degrees (That's 95 Fahrenheit for you math-challenged Americans, and 308.16 Kelvin for you science geeks).

Ah, yes.... Nothing like a crisp December day in Baghdad.... Er, I mean Fallujah.... Or it could be Mosul.... Or maybe I meant Tikrit.

At any rate, I decided this would be a good day to detail my '73 Chevy Vega. I spent hours washing it, then drying it, and then buffing it to an unbelievable shine with Camel Wax. I even scrubbed the Shiite roadkill residue off the tires. Then I vacuumed the interior and tossed out all the used condoms from under the seats, and coated the dashboard with Armor All. By the time I finished, I was thoroughly exhausted, but the car looked absolutely pristine! I was quite proud of myself.

So then what happens? A damn sandstorm comes up out of f*cking nowhere!!! It never f*cking fails!!!

Needless to say, I tracked down that stupid weatherman from this morning and tortured him. Then I took a break for dinner and to let you, my loyal followers, know what was happening.

Anyway, gotta go. He's regaining consciousness, so I'm going to go reattach the electrodes.


----------Rogers, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

People seem to be marveling at the degree of sophistication and coordination we put into that battle in Samarra the other day.

Gee, thanks!

We worked quite hard to pull that one of. And while it's true that we are facing substantial payouts on the life insurance policies of our brave fighters, we nonetheless succeeded in creating even more anger among the civilian townspeople towards the Americans!

That's how Yasser Arafat does it, you know. He blows up some Israelies, who come into the territories and kill some Palestinians, who then vow revenge and kill more Israelies, who then vow revenge by killing more Palestinians.... Well, you get the picture. After a while no one seems to remember who started it.

Welcome to the middle east!!!

As most of you no doubt already realize, I've had a number of... "differences of opinion" with American Secretary of Satanic Invasions Donald Rumsfeld over the past year.

That said, let me be the first to congratulate the Rumster on his most recent achievement: Winning the prestigious Foot in Mouth award from Britain's Plain English Campaign.

I'm sure Bush was first runner up.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Okay, now I'm pissed at Kim Jong Il. For a couple of years we had been trying to buy a missile system from him, and he was always coming up excuses. One time it was that the guidance systems were on backorder from the factory, or there was a shipping error & they went to Liechtenstein by mistake, or they didn't have them in the color I wanted, or the optional cup holders couldn't hold the 44 oz. Big Gulps I like, or whatever.

Now it turns out the whole deal was a scam and I kept making payments for nothing!

This really shatters my faith in humanity. If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?