Thursday, February 27, 2003

Did you see me on 60 Minutes II? I thought I looked pretty spiffy in that suit. One of my wives helped me pick it out. I welcomed this opportunity to speak directly to the American people. I'm sure many of them were surprised to learn that I captured 100% of the vote when I was reelected last year. Granted, it wasn't easy to pull that off, and the piles of bodies behind the polling places did begin to stink after a couple of days, but I am nonetheless quite proud of this accomplishment. And, most importantly, it was a clean election, free of controversy, and devoid of any hanging chads.... Plenty of hanging dissidents, but that's neither here nor there at the moment.

No doubt I convinced many more of your influential Hollywood types to speak out against the war. I'm sure that the political opinions of such respected thinkers as Alec Baldwin and Adam Sandler carry great weight with the average American.

My proposal to debate Mr. Bush is entirely serious. I would take the position that Miller Lite tastes great. He, of course, would stupidly argue that it's less filling. We would go back and forth on this matter several times, and eventually end up mudwrestling in our underwear.

Indeed, this could be a model for the settling of future international conflicts not just between our two countries, but ALL the nations of the world.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

What's the deal with these "human shields?" At first I thought it was some kind of scam, like that email the Nigerian guy keeps sending me asking for my bank account numbers. But now I'm told that these people are actually doing this for FREE?!?! I truly admire them for their principles, their courage, and yes, their stupidity.

I would join them, but I plan to get the hell out of here once the shooting starts.

Originally I was planning to challenge President Bush to a spelling bee, but I decided that would be too challenging for him.

Never let it be said I am without compassion.

Saturday, February 22, 2003

That puppet of the United States, Hans Blix, has ordered me to destroy my Al Samoud 2 missiles because their range exceeds limits unlawfully imposed by the UN. Bummer. I really liked those things. We were almost ready to fit them with chemical warheads!

Um, I mean IF we had chemical warheads, which of course we don't, because I have respect out the wazoo for the UN and their illegal bullying tactics, THEN and only THEN would we have been ALMOST ready to fit them with our non-existent chemical warheads which we don't have. Got it?

Then again, Blix didn't say how we should destroy them. And if we were to launch them at a target, and they were to explode on impact, that would destroy them, right? Yes, that is a technicality, but I have been watching a lot of American legal dramas, so I know how to manipulate the system. And if I were to take out a second mortgage on one of my palaces, I could probably hire Johnnie Cochran to defend me. Hell, he got that other lunatic killer off, and that guy even had DNA evidence working against him.

I better go stock up on really small gloves that don't fit.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

It's almost time for my favorite TV show.

I do not understand why so many people call me a monster. I am not a monster. I AM A MAN!!!! If you cut me, do I not bleed? If you drop a 5000 pound laser guided smartbomb on me, do I not blow up into a million pieces? If you speak ill of me, do I not feel depressed? I am so misunderstood by the world. Well, MOST of the world. At least the French like me... though maybe not as much as Jerry Lewis.

I must do something to improve the world's perception of me. But what? I shall ponder this as I eat my breakfast of fried babies.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Someone has started a "Dead Pool" of sorts. My suggestion would be to pick a VERY early time on the first day. I shall not disappoint you.

I understand that British Prime Minister Tony Blair is under increasing political pressure at home to drop his continued support for Bush's warmongering policies. This support shouldn't surprise anyone. After all, puppy dogs are well known for their fierce loyalty to their masters. But really, who cares about the British? They're inconsequential. They weren't even able to hold on to their empire, and yet they continue to believe they still matter in this world.

In that regard, they are much like the French: Arrogant and self-important, but ultimately unable to scare anyone. On the other hand, the Brits are a helluva a lot less annoying than the Frogs.
Bush, on the other hand IS frightening. He has become obsessed with me!!! The man is practically stalking me!! Maybe I should go to the World Court and try to get a restraining order against him. On the other hand, the members of the World Court are almost as worthless as the French, so why bother?

My best hope is to hide behind Hans Blix. It will not be easy. I must appear to be cooperating with him. Yet, at the same time, I need to be careful to play hard to get.

Kind of reminds me of dating.....

Sunday, February 16, 2003

There have been numerous demonstrations around the world on my behalf, and for this I am grateful. It is nice to be so loved, and to have one's work so appreciated. All too often, weapons of mass destruction get an undeservedly bad rap. Why, if it weren't for my pioneering research in the exciting field of botulinum toxins, botox treatments would never have been invented. Where would Cher be THEN?!?!

I would also like to single out France and Germany for special recognition for their continued opposition to America's unjustified threat of war. I guess now I'll have to buy yet ANOTHER nuclear reactor from them. I've already got six of the damn things. Had to disassemble 'em & bury the parts in the desert, but at least we got 'em.

Anyway, such discord among the westerners only strengthens my own resolve to ride out the storm. And to think I was almost ready to accept Saudi Arabia's offer of asylum!!!! They were all set to give me a villa next door to Idi Amin.

I don't think I would have liked it, though. I've heard about Amin's loud parties, with the dancing girls, the strippers, the gambling, and the human sacrifices. Would've been very distracting.

I prefer silence when I'm playing with my home chemistry set.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

I would like to thank Binny for his inspiring words to the citizens of Iraq. I must concede he is better at motivating people than I. If they believe some sort of reward is involved, people are much more likely to go out and fight on someone else's behalf. Me, I subscribe to the old school of management: Go out and die for me, or I will kill you.

It's like that old middle eastern saying, "You can attract more flies with a camel carcass than with vinegar."

Saturday, February 08, 2003

Now I am truly troubled... Several of my henchmen explained to me that when President Bush said "the game is over" he did NOT really mean that the game is over. And even more confusing, there's apparently no actual game!!!


I still don't fully understand what my underlings were telling me. They said Bush was merely using something called a metaphor. I find that very confusing. I don't even know what a meta is, much less what it's for. At any rate, I have ordered the Teamsters, Baghdad local # 2389, to keep driving our mobile laboratories around.

As for my henchmen, I shall tell them that I greatly appreciate their advice and always value their opinions. Then I will have the sorry SOB's executed for disagreeing with me.

Friday, February 07, 2003

What? NOW Bush tells the world it was all just a game!?! He had me so scared I was crapping my pants on a daily basis! Well, thank Allah it's all over and I can stop trying to hide all my toys from the UN inspectors. Constantly driving over pothole-riddled intertribe highways with a trunkful of nuclear warheads is NOT a whole lot of fun.

Guess I'll go wash that lumpy pile of shorts in the corner now.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

The world is all abuzz over Colin Powell's performance at the United Nations yesterday. And that's all it was: A performance, like in a movie script. He should be nominated for one of those Mayer awards. Or are they called Oscars? Let me assure you that all of it was a lie. Every bit of it. Just scurrilous falsehoods concocted to disparage my good name.

Now I know how O.J. felt.

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Well, I'm turning in early. Big day tomorrow. I have to dedicate a new VX nerve gas factory outside Tikrit. I think we're re calling it a baby powder manufacturing plant in our official press releases.

I always like to have a nice, hot cup of Sleepy Tyme tea before going to bed. Think I'll go fix it now.....

Monday, February 03, 2003