Two years ago, to mark Halloween, I related the frightening but true story of the Headless Camelman of Fallujah. Having nothing better to do today except laugh at Bush's mounting problems, I decided to take a break from that and retell the Camelman story. I must reiterate that this is all true.... It also serves to explain why the people of Fallujah are so loyal to little ol' me. Enjoy.

The Legend of Camelman

When I was growing up, and even as a young, studly man baggin' babes left and right, I used to hear stories about some half-man, half-camel creature known as "Camelman." Supposedly this beast prowled the desert of northwestern Iraq, occassionally feasting on unsuspecting good looking teenagers foolishly caught in the throes of unbridled hormonal passion. But I, as all other well educated Iraqi citizens (both of them) dismissed the tales as fables concocted by superstitious villagers to keep the kids in line. However, I would soon learn that it was I who was ignorant....

It was late 1973 when I was on a date with Barbara Streisand. We were in the backseat of my brand new Chevy Vega while parked at the Tikrit Drive-In Cinema and Drafthouse. All of a sudden, Babs jumped up and said she thought she heard something.

Well, I'm busy rounding third base and heading for home plate, so of course I'm going to tell her that I didn't hear anything, so please put your hand back where it was.

No sooner did I start to slide in for the score, that the car began rocking back & forth, up and down, and side to side. Meanwhile, Barbara's screaming at the top of her lungs, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD...." Needless to say I was feeling pretty darn proud of my performance.... Or at least I was until I realized I wasn't the one rocking the car... OR Barbara!

I looked up only to see some hideous apparition with a furry face, big ears, and a great big hump on his back clawing at the windows! Well, I immediately yelled and reached for my gun, but the man-beast galloped off into the night before I could shoot my load.

Er, the load in my gun, I mean.

So a few years later, after I had come to power, I kept hearing the tales about Camelman. The beast continued to terrorize the people in the area between Baghdad, Tikrit, and Fallujah, and my fellow Sunnis were begging me to help. Of course, my aids all thought these people were nuts, and I couldn't let on that I knew the stories were true. Plus, we were at war with Iran, so I couldn't just order my generals to go chasing after some myth. Well, I guess I could have, but then they'd start talking behind my back, and I'd have to launch a purge, and execute dozens of previously loyal underlings. And going into a war, I frankly didn't need the distraction.

So in September of '81 I recruited 18 students from Baghdad's Kadhimya High School to go look for Camelman. Well, except I kind of lied. First time in my life, too. I told them it was part of some sort of science project. I calculated that if they disappeared, then I'd have an excuse to send military units up there to search for them.... And for anything else... "suspicious."

Needless to say, they vanished without a trace.

So I began sending army units into the area. But they, too, would either disappear entirely, or else turn up dead and horribly mutilated.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to fight a frikkin' war with Iran, so my resources were somewhat limited. Yet, I also couldn't just ignore the Camelman problem. If he had been victimizing Kurds or Shiites, I wouldn't have given a crap. But this... "thing" was eating my fellow Sunni Muslims! We were already a minority of the population, so I could ill afford to keep losing supporters. Plus, I shrewdly realized that if I got rid of Camelman once and for all, the people of the "Sunni Triangle" would be forever indebted to me. After all, one never knows when one might need to go into hiding for an extended period of time....

So the last week of October, I decided to go after Camelman myself. Nothing happened the first few nights, but on the 31st, I heard a strange noise outside my tank. I peeked outside, and sure enough, it was HIM!!!

But before I could react, Camelman ripped the main barrel right off the turret and ate it. Hoping for reinforcements, I immediatly started driving towards Fallujah with him right behind me. Then, on the outskirts of the city, the stupid tank ran out of gas! I scrambled out the safety hatch just as he began tearing the turret to shreds. I bravely began lobbing grenades at the creature, but Camelman just ate those as well. I tried firing a few mortar rounds at him, but he was still hungry.

I briefly toyed with the idea of taming Camelman and starting an animal act in Vegas, but that dream disappeared in a puff of reality when the beast devoured my machine gun. It was at this point, seemingly face to face with the instrument of my death, that I vowed to never again be caught without a supply of weapons of mass destruction.

My eyes gaught the gleam of my sword amid the tattered remains of my tank. It had only recently been forged from special steel in Japan by a retired Samurai Master. And for the skeptics among you, I'm actually quite good with a sword. Who do you think taught Uma Thurman her technique in Kill Bill? That's right; it was me! Back when the two of us were dating, of course.

But I digress....

In a bold move, I somersaulted over the creature's head, performing a dramatic slow-motion triple backflip in midair for no discernable reason except that it looked really cool, and landed behind Camelman. He swung at me wildly with his tail, but I deftly avoided it by cartwheeling across the ground. In one smooth move I grabbed my sword, lept to my feet, and ran up the wall of a nearby three story building to the roof. From there. I saw a telephone cable directly over the now thoroughly confused creature's head and jumped. Grabbing the cable with one hand and holding the sword in the other, I sliced through the thick wire like it was butter. I swung down towards Camelman, and blindly swung the blade.

As I landed in a cloud of dust just down the street, I turned just in time to see the beast's head fall to the ground and roll down a storm drain. The rest of the body stood there motionless for a moment, then toppled forward and landed with a dull thud in the dirt.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the end of Camelman.

Epilogue

Stories persist to this day that the ghost of Camelman appears every Halloween and wanders the streets of Fallujah searching for his missing head. However, in 22 years, there has never been another documented attack by the creature.

I appreciate all the anti-war demonstrations in Washington this past weekend. I really and honestly truly do. I can't possibly emphasize enough how grateful I am.

That's what makes it all the more awkward to say what I'm about to say.... And while original forms of protest are certainly to be encouraged, and while no one appreciates a topless woman more than I.... Well, there are sometimes lines that just shouldn't be crossed. And quite frankly, this photo is a perfect illustration of what I mean.

Let me first say that I have no problem with the chick holding the bullhorn. From what I can tell, she's a babe. And the one in the pink pants holding the near end of the banner looks okay, too.

But as for the other two.... Well.... How shall I put this delicately? PUT YOUR TOPS ON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!! You're hideous!!!!! If i woke up one morning next to you, I'd have to gas myself!!!!!

Some things just shouldn't be seen without the benefit of a darkened bedroom.

I received the picture on the right via email. It supposedly appeared on Irish TV. All I can say is that I guess the Irish are firm believers in "truth in labeling."

In other news, insurgents have placed a $200,000 bounty on the heads of top Iraqi leaders. I have no particular objection to this, except that if anyone goes after President Talabani in his office, my desk had better not be damaged. If there is as much as a scratch, it's coming out of someone's reward money.

And Tal Afar, the big offensive against insurgents has been surprisingly quiet.

Well, duh!!

It's like I said a few days ago: If you tell the enemy in advance you're about to launch a surprise attack, they're going to leave! What, you think this is like a surprise birthday party, where the recipient somehow finds out about the party and then pretends to be all shocked when he switches on the lights and everyone jumps out from behind the furniture!?!?!?

Here's the stupidest damn thing I've ever heard: Some official of the puppet government currently illegally occupying my palaces says that I could be executed after my first trial if I am convicted and sentenced to death.

HA!!!!

First of all, that statement assumes that there will even be a trial. At the rate the members of the current so-called Iraqi government are being kidnapped, beheaded, assassinated, and blown up, it's not entirely clear if there's going to be anyone left by the time my trial does roll around.

Secondly, the only reason I'm in jail is because my country was illegally invaded by some doofus who meant to actually invade Iran, but can't tell the difference between a "Q" and an "N." This is not surprising, however. What do you expect from some moron who is willing to ignore over a century of scientific research and declare that creationism should be taught in his country's public schools alongside actual science?

That debate was settled years and years ago! Everyone now knows man is descended from camels!

Thirdly, that trial is going to be for massacring Shiites! There's not a Sunni in this country that's going to convict me for that, so this trial is going to be nothing more than a waste of looted money.... Er, I mean, um, a waste of tax dollars!

Besides, if I'm put to death, who's going to put down the insurgency?

Have you heard about this new Al Qaeda tape? Ayman al-Zawahri, the group's number two guy, released it the other day and it's already soared to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 Terror Threats chart. Of course, with the advent of file sharing, that no longer translates into big sales the way it used to.

Anyway, al-Zawahri stopped short of claiming direct responsibility for the London bombings but did say that Tony Blair's decision to keep British troops in Iraq was the cause. He also went on to say that more attacks would be coming, both in the British Isles and America.

Personally I find that absolutely hilarious, though I suppose Brits and Americans fail to see the humor in it. But if you stop and think about it, wasn't the whole reason for Bush's invasion of Iraq to prevent terror, not inspire more of it? Do you see the irony of it all? That's what makes it so funny!

So what went wrong? Why is the world still such a scary place?

Oh, right. Instead of going after the terrorists, and trying to capture or kill the guy who murdered almost 3000 of his fellow Americans on September 11, Bush decided to invade Iraq instead.

That makes about as much damn sense as fixing a flat tire by changing the fan belt.

First off, let me welcome all of you who found me through various search engines by typing in "Saddam in his underwear" or some such term. Do your parents know what you little demons are doing on the computer? At any rate, I am genuinely flattered that you're so interested in checking out my, er, "package." Let me assure you that normally it is far more impressive, except that I had just taken a cold shower. And I don't think I need to explain how quickly cold water can turn an impressive ten foot one-eyed trouser cobra into a tiny two inch worm.

You're probably wondering where those photos came from. Well, remember last weekend when Condoleezza Rice paid that surprise visit to Baghdad? Officially she was in town to meet with the troops and boost their morale, as well as meeting with members of the new Iraqi government and asking if they prefer pine coffins or oak.

Unofficially, however, she came to meet with me and discuss terms of surrender. I told her there was nothing to discuss. I would accept nothing less than an unconditional surrender from Bush and Rumsfeld.

At that point I had to cut the meeting short. Rice was wearing that Darth Vader hooker outfit of hers, and the blood was rushing from my head to my head, if you catch my drift.

So I hit the shower for some relief and ended up, um, "servicing myself" while in there. By the time I finished and came out to get dressed, I figured she had left. Then the next thing I know, I start seeing these damn flashes. I look up, and there's the American Secretary of State with one of those little disposable cameras snapping pictures of me in my underwear!!! And I think all of you know how humiliating that can be!

But after thinking about it, I decided it was nothing to worry about. In fact, I kept assuming various poses for her. I figured that like most women, she just needed those photos to keep her company through those long lonely nights in foreign hotel rooms. No harm in that, right? Then the next thing I know, the damn pictures are on the front pages of The Sun and the New York Post!!

Now I know how Paris Hilton felt.

Last month a woman claimed to have found a fingertip in a bowl of chile she bought at Wendy's, an infidel fast food chain. She tried to sue the restaurant, but soon details of her past attempts to blackmail other companies began to surface. Furthermore, attempts by Wendy's to find the source of the missing finger proved to be about as successful as Bush's search for my WMD's.

Early yesterday police arrested the woman, charged her with grand larceny, and declared the whole thing a hoax.... Much like Bush's claim that I was up to my tuckus in WMD's--Not that I'm still dwelling on the subject.

Anyway, I guess I better drop my idea to claim I found a camel penis in my hummus.

Did you happen to see this photo of Condoleezza Rice? It was taken when she and Bush were in Europe a couple of weeks ago. Is it just me, or does she look like some sort of sinister but sexy cross between Darth Vader and a hooker?

Anyway, while you ponder that, her are a couple of great jokes I came across:

AN IRAQI INSURGENT walks into a bar, orders a drink and proposes a toast "to the health of the great George W. Bush."

The bartender is dumbfounded. "How can you -- a murderous, insane, poorly shaved religious fanatic -- drink to the health of a man who embodies everything you oppose: namely, the spread of freedom and liberty and goodness across the globe?"

The filthy swine slaps his forehead. "You are right!" he says. "Forget the drink. I'd better beheading home!"

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Was that a hoot or what? Okay, here's another one:

PRESIDENT BUSH AND TWO ENEMIES OF FREEDOM are on a small airplane when the pilot keels over dead. The plane plummets. There are only two parachutes. The first enemy of freedom grabs one and says, "I need to remain alive so I can continue to ensure that people live in tyranny," and jumps out of the plane. The second evildoer grabs the second parachute and says, "If I die, who will enslave the masses?" and jumps out of the plane.

President Bush says to himself, "Gosh, it's too bad that we are over the ocean and those fellows are going to drown." Then, utilizing the skills he learned when defending our country in the National Guard, he takes over the controls himself and brings the plane down safely on an island. Chuckling softly, he says, "Mission accomplished."

Did you get it? Mission accomplished!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! when I read that one, I about peed my pants! Here's one last one, short but cute:

I JUST FLEW IN FROM BAGHDAD, where I have been commanding thousands of brave troops who are fighting day and night to spread liberty across the globe, and, boy, are my armies tired!

And I'll leave you with this one last photo, taken when Bush stopped in Bratislava during his European tour last month. I think the lettering on the wall pretty will sums things up:

A spokesman for the PLO just said that Yasser Arafat's condition has "deteriorated further" in the last few hours.

What the hell does that mean? The man's been in a coma for the last two weeks and knocking on Allah's door the whole time! How can it possibly deteriorate any further!?!

Do me a favor, will you? When my time comes, which it won't for a very long time, possibly another even another 300 years, just tell them to pull the plug. I don't want to linger.

The worst part is when your relatives gather around your deathbed and start arguing about whether you're just a little bit dead, or completely most sincerely dead. And while the ventilator puffs away, the people who were the closest to you suddenly turn on one another and start arguing about who gets custody of your prized WMD collection. It's all so petty and undignified!

If only you could still be around to see their faces when they finally realize that there IS no WMD collection!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

______________________________________________________

A message from Yours Truly to the infidel Americans:

What the hell is wrong with you people!?! Granted, I did foolishly urge you to go out and vote, but I meant for John Kerry, you morons, NOT frikkin' George Bush!!!!!

I mean, I figured you people had enough sense to know what I meant without me having to provide you with detailed instructions!!! But n-o-o-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O!!!!! You just had to go and reelect him, didn't you!?!? You realize what this means, don't you? Now I'm NEVER going to get out of here!!!!

Why did you do it? Is it because 40% of you still stupidly believe that I was somehow involved in 9/11? Have you forgotten that the Commission which investigated those attacks said there was no connection between me and Al Qaeda? And have you forgotten what Richard Clarke said? That he had tried to warn Bush and Cheney about Osama in the first few months of the Administration, but they just ignored him.

So what happens? I'm the one who ends up in jail while the guy who killed 3000 American civilians on American soil is STILL on the loose. What's more, he's even making frikkin' videotapes taunting you people!!! And you know why? Because the American military is busy trying to bring my country under control instead of out looking for him!

And so you go and reelect Bush.... We'll see if you people still feel the same way when he turns the United States into a Christian theocracy and starts flogging women who try to get abortions.

Just don't come crying to me when you realize your mistake.

I've been sitting here working on some math problems. What? Are you surprised I would dabble in such an intellectual exercise!?! Well, you shouldn't be. I was a math major back in college. Admittedly, my grades weren't very good at first, but that all changed after I gassed the Dean and his family.

Anyway, what prompted my resurgence of interest in numbers was this recent report that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died since the beginning of the war. Yes, I know that sounds bad, but it gets even worse when you start analyzing it.

For example: Everyone knows that I have been accused of killing "hundreds of thousands" of my own citizens. And although I never really kept track, that sounds about right. But for sake of argument, lets put the exact total at 900,000. Yeah, yeah, I hear some of you cringing in revulsion. But in my defense, I'd like to point out that the vast majority of those were Kurds and Shiites.

I took over Iraq in 1979 and ruled for 24 years until my, um, "extended vacation" which began last year. So you take that 900,000 figure and divide by 24, and you get an average of 37,500 deaths per year.

The Americans, on the other hand, took over about 18 months ago. So take that 100,000 figure, divide it by 1.5, and you end up with an average of 66,667 deaths per year.

Interesting, eh? And there's more: This recent study also says that the average Iraqi civilian is 58 times more likely to die a violent death NOW than he or she was before the war!

Well, well.... It would appear that no matter how you slice it, Bush is a much more efficient killer of Iraqi civilians than I ever was!

Kind of makes me jealous....

I just heard something so absolutely hilarious I thought I'd share with you, my many loyal readers yearning to be oppressed and brutalized. It seems the United States has been training about 50 Iraqis who will eventually become the civilian leaders of Iraq's new military. And if that's not funny enough, the US further expects to develop a "strategic alliance" with this new Iraqi army!!

On what frikkin' planet? Because that certainly is NOT going to happen here on Earth. Oh, I know!! Maybe the Americans are anticipating this fairy tale alliance to occur on that recently discovered new planet, Sedna.

Speaking of planets, have you heard about this rare planetary alignment that's taking place this week? Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn are all visible at night now. Even more incredible, they're all in a straight line with Earth. This amazing celestial show will not occur again until 2040, which coincidentally is the same year I expect to achieve world domination.

Now I know what some of you out there are saying. "If I set you up on a date with my sister, will you promise not to torture me?" And others among you asking, "Well, having the six inner planets all lined up like that is quite interesting, Saddam, but where's Uranus?"

It's right here between my butt cheeks, you idiot!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The American appointed Iraqi Governing Council of Infidel Controlled Puppets wants to create a special court to try me and my top officials--well, the ones still alive, anyway--on charges of genocide and crimes against humanity.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm still not clear on what exactly I'm guilty of. I mean, the whole reason for this current mess the United States finds itself in was to eliminate my (alleged) weapons of mass destruction. Well, when they couldn't find any, suddenly the reason became establishing democracy and ending oppression.

Oh, be-have!!! I'm dictator, for crying out loud! Oppression is in the job description, for Allah's sake! Seriously, have you ever heard of a non-oppressive dictator? No, of course not!! There's no such thing!! I mean, that's almost as funny as the absurd idea of establishing a thriving oasis of democracy and freedom in the heart of the middle east! It goes against the very laws of nature.

In fact, wasn't it Isaac Newton who laid out the fundamental governing principles of the Universe?
1) The first law of thermodynamics says that energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only be converted from one form to another.
2) This one says that heat can never transfer from a colder object to a warmer object. Therefore all natural processes involving the transfer of energy can only take place in one direction.
3) If you remove all the thermal energy contained in molecules, you achieve a state known as absolute zero. This occurs at 0 degrees Kelvin, -273.15 Celsius, and -459 Fahrenheit.
4) The speed of light is an absolute, despite the science of Star Trek.
5) There is no way in hell democracy can ever survive in the middle east.

Besides, as I've said before, freedom is overrated. Most muslim societies have been oppressed for so long that they would have no idea how to be "free." Islam and freedom are self-exclusive. Just ask Osama. Or for that matter, ask America's buddies in Saudi Arabia.

All this talk by Bush saying that I'm evil is motivated by nothing more than jealousy. Seriously, do you think for one second that if Bush thought he could get away with it, he wouldn't torture Michael Moore or cut off Al Franken's testicles? Of course he would!! And he'd also put a stop to that stupid election next year!

But, of course, he can't. And so when he sees someone like me who can inflict massive physical pain on opponents at will, and not have to bother with pesky periodic election campaigns, Bush turns green with envy! And the fact that the Republicans' constant attempts to convert America into a Christian theocracy keep bumping into that Constitution thing is probably sticking in his craw as well.

Besides, the members of that court are going to look kind of silly trying to hold a gavel with no opposable thumbs.