Here's a bizarre story out of America involving the actor Nicholas Cage. Evidently some evil doer has hijacked his email address and has been using it to send sexually explicit messages to people. A spokesman for the actor wants to assure the general public that Cage is not some sort of pervert.

I understand exactly how Cage feels. I keep hearing rumors about some idiot who's writing a blog while pretending to be me.

I suppose no matter how bad things may seem, they could always be worse.

People sometimes come up to me and say, "Hey, Saddam! Are you looking forward to your trial? What is your legal strategy going to be? Which do you prefer: The electric chair, a firing squad, lethal injection, hanging, or the gas chamber?"

Well, first of all, that question assumes that there's even going to be a trial. There is still too much turmoil in Iraq, and the judges keep getting blown up. But still, I like to plan ahead just in case. So my lawyers will argue that I can't possibly receive a fair trial here because the potential jury pool has been tainted and/or killed. So we'll move to have the proceedings moved to California. And once that happens, I'll be as good as free. California juries never convict anyone, regardless of the evidence. Hell, they let O.J. Simpson off, didn't they? And who was that other, washed-up actor? Robert Blake? He even tried to hire frikkin' hit men to knock off his wife, and he STILL got acquited.

And you just watch: Michael Jackson's going to get off as well, and I don't mean "getting off" from playing with little boys.

In fact, I'm thinking about following Jacko's lead on this by repeatedly showing up late in the courtroom, wearing pajama bottoms to the trial, and crying like a big ol' baby in front of the judge.

On the other hand, if I follow his example too closely, I might get locked up for being a wack job from outer space.




P.S.
The gas chamber!?! Man, would that be an ironic death or what?

Disturbing news out of New York.... It seems my ex wife Liza Minelli has been hospitalized after falling out of bed.

What? You didn't know I had been married to her? Oh, sure! The marriage broke up when she caught me in bed with the Dixie Chicks.... All three of them.... Simultaneously.

Liza could be a fun person when sober, but she could turn meaner than a rabid scorpion when she drank too much. You know her most recent husband, David Gest, complained that she used to beat him? People laughed, but that's no joke.

There was many a time that I would come home after a long day of gassing the Kurds only to discover that Liza had been in the liquor cabinet again. Then we would start arguing about something, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life down the street in my underwear, screaming for the Republican Guard to calm her down!