Friday, December 31, 2004

One of the major Sunni parties has announced that it is pulling out of next month's elections because it's too dangerous for the candidates. This, of course, only serves to further call into question the legitimacy of any future election results. The Sunnis will refuse to accept rule by a Shiite majority government, and the Shiites will argue that it's not their fault the Sunnis pulled out. The arguments will go back and forth, getting louder with each change, until a car bomb goes off and shuts everyone up.

And now even Bin Laden is getting involved, a move I'm not too thrilled about. Cheney's only going to take advantage of Binny's latest tape as proof that he and I had serious ties. That, of course, is utter nonsense. As I've said many times before, bin Laden's a self-righteous prick who's always trying to appease Allah. "I love you Allah," he's always saying. "I'm going to serve you gloriously by having someone other than me martyr themselves for you." Yeah, yeah. Put a sock in it, Osama.

My only concerns, on the other hand, are consolidating power, increasing my collection of gold toilets, maintaining the desire to wish to eventually possibly acquire weapons of mass destruction sometime in the distant future, and getting laid.

What could be more noble than that?

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Disturbing news out of New York.... It seems my ex wife Liza Minelli has been hospitalized after falling out of bed.

What? You didn't know I had been married to her? Oh, sure! The marriage broke up when she caught me in bed with the Dixie Chicks.... All three of them.... Simultaneously.

Liza could be a fun person when sober, but she could turn meaner than a rabid scorpion when she drank too much. You know her most recent husband, David Gest, complained that she used to beat him? People laughed, but that's no joke.

There was many a time that I would come home after a long day of gassing the Kurds only to discover that Liza had been in the liquor cabinet again. Then we would start arguing about something, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life down the street in my underwear, screaming for the Republican Guard to calm her down!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

According to Isaiah Wilson III, the United States invaded me without any kind of formal plan for "stabilizing and occupying" my country. And it's this initial failure that continues to cause problems for the Americans in their efforts to rebuild Iraq. He goes on to characterize the U.S. military's performance here as "mediocre," explaining that they have failed to properly adapt to the current situation.

Now I know what some of you are saying: "Who is this Wilson guy? Is he one of Michael Moore's buddies? Another loudmouth fan of the Dixie Chicks? Who is this liberal know-it-all who dares criticize the leadership of America!?!"

Well, I'm not sure if he knows the esteemed Mr. Moore, or what Wilson's musical tastes may be. Perhaps he likes the Dixie Chicks, or maybe he's more of a Lynard Skynard type of guy. Who knows? Who even cares?

I can tell you that Mr. Wilson is a major in the United States army, and in the spring of 2003 he was part of the Army's Operation Iraqi Freedom Study Group. Then from July of last year to this past April he was chief war planner for the 101st Airborne Division. Next year he will be teaching at West Point.

I'd say that gives the man some credibility, wouldn't you?

Saturday, December 25, 2004

American Secretary of Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld was in Iraq today for a surprise visit. This really shouldn't surprise anyone. The way things have been going for him lately, he probably felt safer here than back in Washington!

In fact, the latest Republican Senator to question his competence was Trent Lott. That's significant because Lott is from Mississippi, which has a lot of defense related industry. Lott would therefore be risking retaliation from Rumsfeld unless, of course, he feels that the Secretary's days are numbered.

And I'm guessing Rumsfeld's Humvee just happened to be heavily armored....

In other news, an American company that had been rebuilding bridges has announced it is pulling out because Iraq is too dangerous for its people. The company, Contrack International, didn't have that many employees here, so in and of itself it's not a big deal. However, it will be interesting to see if anyone else decides to bail out now that someone else has become the first to go.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Thursday, December 23, 2004

On a Serious Note....
Jeremy Redmon is a reporter with the Richmond Times-Dispatch and is embedded with the 276th Engineer Battalion, based in Richmond, VA. The 276th is one of the units which lost troops in the Mosul attack yesterday. Redmon has prepared a firsthand account of the blast and its immediate aftermath.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

If I still had the authority to do such things, I would give that interim Prime Minister guy a couple of medals. What's his name? Right, Ayad Allawi,

First, I'd give him some sort of award for still being alive. Quite frankly, I'm surprised he's made this far! It's a good thing I'm not a betting man, because I would have lost a bundle on that wager!

The second award would be something along the lines of "The Medal for Virtuous Service While Pointing Out The F*cking Obvious." That would be in recognition of his recent observation that the insurgents are trying to incite a civil war.

Well, DUH!!!! This guy is every bit as sharp as a pile of camel crap molded into the shape of bowling ball! No wonder the Bush Administration likes him! He fits right in with the rest of them!

Quite frankly, any sane (which rules out Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld) observer can readily see that the civil war is already here. You've got Iraqis killing Iraqis left and right. Just the other day, over 60 died in a series of carbombings. Plus, you had the three election workers that were dragged out of their car yesterday and killed in the middle of a highway. That's the sort of thing that usually only happens in Florida!

The carbombings took place deep in Shiite territory, and were undoubtedly the work of Sunnis. It's only a matter of time before the Shiites decide enough is enough and strike back.

Kind of makes one long for the good old days when all Iraqis had to worry about about political prisons and torture chambers.

Does anyone know how I can get listed here?

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Friday, December 17, 2004

An American General says that the Iraqi insurgency is growing "more effective."

We'll take that as a compliment.

And another defense department official says that the American vehicles should be fully armored by next summer. Next summer!?!?! Well, that's nice. By then they'll only have had more than two frikkin' years to work on it. "This isn't Wal-Mart," he said, in some sort of attempt to justify the long time frame.

Well, that's certainly true. Wal-Mart would have had it finished by LAST summer.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Bush has honored three of the top architects of the unlawful invasion of my peace loving nation with so-called Medals of Freedom.

The first one, General Tommy Franks, I have no problem with. He was the top military commander in charge of the aforementioned unlawful invasion, and he did a brilliant job. Yes, even I was impressed! Of course, things went to crap for the United States right about the time the President declared an end to "major combat operations," but that was more Rumsfeld's fault.

The second name, Paul Bremer, is a somewhat surprising choice. He was the civilian administrator of the occupation until this past June, and what, exactly, did he accomplish? Nothing, really. Sure, he tried to rebuild Iraq, but the insurgents kept blowing everything up again. And a couple of months ago he finally came out and said that the United States should have had more troops on the ground from day one. You would think such candor would have disqualified him.

But the final choice, George Tenet, is the one that really burns the hair on my tuckus. He was the director of the Central Infidel Agency during the planning of the invasion. He's also the one who personally assured President Bush that finding WMD's in my country was a "slam dunk."

Slam dunk, hell. Not only did he miss the basket, he was outside dribbling the basketball across the frikkin' football field!!

That's on top of completely blowing the intelligence on Osama's planned 9/11 attacks! If anything, the man should have been fired for his incompetence. But instead Bush honors this guy with a medal!?!?!

By the way, have you seen the reports that I planned this insurgency even before the United States launched its invasion? Pretty impressive, eh?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Uh-oh.... It looks like my favorite idiot, Donald Rumsfeld, may be in trouble. An important senator, John McCain, has announced that he has "no confidence" in the infidel Secretary of Defense. Now if it were a Democrat saying that, no one would care. That sort of talk can be expected from the opposition party.

But McCain is a Republican just like President Bush, and a respected leader among his colleagues. If McCain has said this, you can bet that other Republicans will soon be speaking out against Rummy as well. It's only a matter of time until some other important member of the party calls for his resignation.

Of course Bush will continue to insist that Rumsfeld still has his full support. That's how it always works in Washington. The President ALWAYS supports you, even as he drives the dagger into your back and twists the blade.

My prediction is that Rumsfeld will be offering his resignation before January 1.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Gosh, has it really been a year since my capture!?! Time really does fly when you're having fun.

To mark the occasion, my captors bought me a cake with candles. I thought it was quite thoughtful and sweet of them. If that surprises you, it really shouldn't. Most of the guards are relieved to be assigned here, instead of patrolling some Allahforsaken corner of Iraq. And I can't say I blame them! It's crazy out there!

I've heard that some of my underlings are on a hunger strike. Well, that's fine by me. I get more to eat that way. Personally though, I've never understood the point of hunger strikes. In fact, lack of adequate nutrition was standard policy in my prisons when I was running things, and on the rare occasions when the inmates did get food, they were so ecstatic, they'd be crawling over one another's bodies trying to get to the crumbs. In fact, on of my favorite gags was to tie a steak to a string and toss into a cell. Then, just as someone would get close and reach out to grab it, I'd yank it away!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Ah, those were the good old days....

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Friday, December 10, 2004

Rumsfeld's comment during that question and answer session yesterday has stirred up quite a controversy. A number of Democrats in congress are saying he should resign. Then again, since they're Democrats, no one's paying attention to them anyway.

But the more interesting development in this story is the news that the soldier's question about armor was actually planted by a reporter!

Quite frankly, this controversy has me concerned. You see, I want to see Rummy remain as Secretary of Defense. Are you surprised? Well, you shouldn't be.

My greatest fear in the world is that he might be replaced by someone competent.


Thursday, December 09, 2004

I have never been one for awards or other methods of special recognition. My philosophy has always been you do your job, and you get to live. If you don't do your job, I shoot you. Beyond that, there's really no need for plaques or trophies.

However, even I have to admit that Spc. Thomas Wilson of the United States Army deserves a "Balls of Steel" medal for the question he put forth to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld earlier. He's the soldier who, during a question and answer session with Rummy, asked, "Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles?"

Indeed, an excellent question. I mean, that's the type of thing MY army used to have to do. You would certainly expect the richest country on Earth to be above that sort of desperate behvior.

And Rummy's answer? He said, "You go to war with the Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have."

Well, I would have to disagree with that. If you go to war out of necessity, such as right after the attack on Pearl Harbor, then yes, you go to war with the army you have. It's an admission of desperation, but you do what has to be done with what you have.

The war with Iraq, however, was not one of necessity, but rather a war of choice. As such, the American leaders should have made damn sure they were fully prepared.

They didn't, and now the soldiers in the field are the ones paying the price.


Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The infidel Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says that he fully expects to see all American troops out of Iraq by 2009.

Hell, I was kinda hoping they could be gone by next week!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Who the hell is Ken Jennings?

Sunday, December 05, 2004

Friday, December 03, 2004

Archeologists in Mexico have found a number of headless bodies while digging around an ancient Aztec pyramid.

The Americans will probably try to blame it on ancient Iraqi insurgents.


Here's an interesting article I stumbled across. It talks about the seemingly low body count for the Americans compared to other wars they have fought. For example, 1200 dead in Iraq doesn't seem that bad when compared to the 56,000 lost in Vietnam. One can also look at the average of two dead a day in the current conflict, and compare that to the average of 15 deaths a day in Vietnam, or even the 300 a day during World War II.

But then the author starts looking at the totals in different ways. For example, body armor is now widely used, medical procedures have advanced to a remarkable degree, and the seriously wounded are now routinely medivaced to field hospitals.

The bottom line is that when you compensate for these factors, as well as some others, the current Iraqi War is every bit as intense as Vietnam, and the overall casualty rate is not much lower than during WWII.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Those of you who visited the site over the last 15 hours or so probably noticed it didn't look right. And if you were REALLY alert, and not in some sort of drunken stupor because of chronic depression brought on by the outcome of the American election, you would have further noticed that there was only one entry there.

Well, it wasn't my fault. It was those idiots at again.

When I tried to post my previous entry, it gave me some sort of weird Blogger error message. So I checked my site itself, and it was showing only the single entry I had just posted. Subsequent attempts to correct the problem were unsuccessful, and by then I had to get out of here because someone was coming down the hall.

When I tried again a few hours ago, I was able to republish the entire site and correct the problem, except that single entry had now disappeared! So then I had to goa back and rewrite the best I could.

Why do people always insist on f*cking with me?

Anyway, I'm very excited. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, one of my favorite all-time Christmas shows is on TV tonight! Now I know some of you are saying, "But Saddam, why would you want to watch some TV show with puppets carrying on about some sort of infidel holiday? And is it true that your blog is actually written by a 17 year old cheerleader from Poughkeepsie, New York?"

Well, I can't help it. That show is just so darn cute. And it's an excellent storyline, with important lessons about how even supposed misfits have an important role in this world of ours. Plus, it reminds me of Iraq in some ways. For example, that Abominable Snowmonster reminds me of our own Camelman.

And you have to admit that Yukon Cornelius looks an awful lot like me when I emerged from that spider hole.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

A British charity known as Medact has come out with a report that says the war in Iraq has caused a "public health disaster" in my country.

Not that President Bush cares. He has long felt that health care should be privatized.

So.... Is Iraq going to have elections at the end of next month or not?

I'm guessing not. While Fallujah may be quiet at the moment, there are too many other hotspots popping up across the country. And no sooner do the Americans go in and save the town by leveling it, another insurgency pops up somewhere else. Quite frankly, anyone who seriously continues to believe that the elections will take place on January 30 is living in the Land of Oz.

Incidentally, I heard that a suicide bomber tried to blow up the wizard's palace in Emerald City. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Besides, the way things stand now, even the different groups involved can't agree on whether the elections should be postponed. The Sunnis want to delay it, while the Kurds and Shiites still want them held. Of course, IF the elections are held, and the Sunnis don't participate, they will refuse to recognize the results, and Iraq will slip further into disarray.

But the funniest part about this whole election thing is that now even the Shiites can't agree on what they want to do!!! A number of Shiite dominated political parties have broken off talks with one of their top spiritual leaders, that Al Sistani guy, because they think he's too much of a religious nutcase! One leader even said that "we don't want to be an extension of Iran inside Iraq."

Well, amen to that!

May I offer a compromise to this whole democracy debate? Skip the stupid elections and return me to power. I'm tanned, rested, and ready to straighten out this mess the Americans have made.

Don't take this wrong way, because I really don't give a camel's ass what you think, but I have added a new poll on this very topic. It's on the left side of your stupid infidel computer's screen.

Friday, November 26, 2004

A big deal has been made of that American marine who killed the wounded Iraqi, and here's a blog entry by the journalist who shot the footage.

Personally, I think it's a great story. It serves to inflame Arabs across the entire middle east, and now even the ones who used to think I was a real prick are starting to admit that maybe ol' Saddam wasn't such a bad guy after all.

And you know what the best part of this whole story is? Al Jazeera Keeps playing the tape of this guy's death over and over, yet they won't play the film of that woman relief worker being brutally executed!

Is that fair? Well, no, I suppose not. But then again, we're talking about the middle east. The word "fair" is not in our vocabulary.

Well, at least I don't think it is....

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Outgoing infidel Secretary of State Colin Powell says that Iran is trying to build a nuclear bomb.

Gee, really!?!

For it's part, Iran insists that it is using its acquired nuclear technology for peaceful purposes, like generating electricity. Yeah, right. They're sitting on one of the world's biggest deposits of oil and natural gas, and they need nuclear power to run their frikkin's light bulbs?

Even the idiots in the Bush Administration have been able to tell that the Iranians have been lying out their turbans.

And here's the dilemma faced by the United States: There's no other nuclear power in the middle east to offset those crazy Shiites!! Now I could have have done that, if the United States had only decided to let me build my own damn nukes years ago. So I invaded Kuwait! Big deal! If the older Bush hadn't gotten all bent out of shape over that, and let me keep the country, and not slapped all sorts of international sanctions on my ass, I'd ALREADY have my own damn atomic bombs and I could tell the Iranians to knock that sh*t off!

But alas, the US decided to get all self righteous on me, and now there's not a damn thing they can do about Iran. Hell, they can't even invade the country because the Americans are too busy trying to control the assorted insurgencies here in Iraq!! Maybe--just maybe--if they hadn't invaded the wrong dang country, they'd have enough manpower to go into Tehran and kick some Shiite ass.

But as it stands, they don't. And why did the Americans invade me instead? NOT because I actually had nuclear weapons. And NOT because I even had a nuclear weapons program.

No.... They invaded me because I had the desire to have a nuclear weapons program at some distant future date!

Oh please!! Since when is desire an international crime against humanity!?! I mean, what heterosexual male among us has never lusted after some unattainable goal, such as Catherine Zeta-Jones, or had dreams of being the sausage in an Olsen Twins sandwich!?! Of course, we would never admit that to our wives, but that doesn't make us bad men, does it? No, of course not!

So when the "prevention of lust" is the only reason you can come up with as the justification for invading a country, well, that's a sign of desperation.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Unfortunately, this is how much of the rest of the world perceives the Americans.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

I can not begin to tell you how sorry I am to see Colin Powell resign as Secretary of State. The only thing that could possibly be any worse is if Bush were to name Condoleeza Rice to replace him.


Powell was the one voice of reason on the Bush Foreign policy team. Unfortuantely, Bush all too often chose to ignore him, and instead listen to the two rabid lunatics, Cheney and Rumsfeld. You may recall that it was Powell who warned Bush about the dangers of invading my country when he said, "If you break it, you own it."

Well, Iraq is broken big time now, and I'm guessing that Bush is wishing he had bought the extended warranty.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I'm not sure, but I think that whale is named "Iraq."

According to some investigation by the infidels, I made over $21 billion in kickbacks from the United Nations' oil for food program.

Well, so what? Everyone's gotta make a living! I mean, did you see my palaces BEFORE the Americans moved in and trashed the places? You think those gold plated toilet seats grow on trees? Hell no!!! That stuff is expensive, and only available by special order from Home Depot. So yeah, I decided to make a little money on the side.

Besides, why is that MY fault!?!?! Not only were the French and the Russians willing participants in the scheme, they're the ones who thought it up!!

But do you see any of them getting invaded, thrown in jail, and forced to participate in naked human pyramid building!?!?! No!!

I get blamed for everything.

Monday, November 15, 2004

And it's such a shining example for the rest of the world!!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

For my 47th birthday my top aids took me to a wonderful place called a Chuck E. Cheese. It was a blast! In addition to having a rare delicacy known as a "pepperoni Pizza," they had many great arcade style games. One of my favorites was called "Whack-A-Kurd." You'd put your dinar in a slot in the front, and then little kurds would pop up out different holes on the machine. As each one would pop up, you'd try to hit him with a big rubber mallet. Of course, each time you nailed one, he'd disappear back into his hole but another would pop up out of another hole! Eventually it grew tedious, however, so I sprayed the whole thing with sarin gas.

Kinda cleared out the restaurant, too.

I bring this up because the current situation in Iraq reminds me of that game. As soon as the Americans go into one city and crackdown on the insurgents, another town falls apart. For example, they have pretty much regained control of Fallujah, but now there are reports out of Mosul that the local police have lost control of the city. Gangs of armed men armed with machine guns and RPG's are strolling about the streets totally unopposed! This news comes on top of similar reports from other Iraqi cities.

I have heard some American critics of the war comparing the current situation to Vietnam. Well, that's silly! First of all, Bush won't understand that comparison because, well, he was never in Vietnam! Secondly, Vietnam had many more trees than Iraq, so the entire landscape is entirely different. You can't compare a sub-tropical rainforest climate with an arid desert environment, you morons!

Though I do appreciate the effort!

Thursday, November 11, 2004

A spokesman for the PLO just said that Yasser Arafat's condition has "deteriorated further" in the last few hours.

What the hell does that mean? The man's been in a coma for the last two weeks and knocking on Allah's door the whole time! How can it possibly deteriorate any further!?!

Do me a favor, will you? When my time comes, which it won't for a very long time, possibly another even another 300 years, just tell them to pull the plug. I don't want to linger.

The worst part is when your relatives gather around your deathbed and start arguing about whether you're just a little bit dead, or completely most sincerely dead. And while the ventilator puffs away, the people who were the closest to you suddenly turn on one another and start arguing about who gets custody of your prized WMD collection. It's all so petty and undignified!

If only you could still be around to see their faces when they finally realize that there IS no WMD collection!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Excuse me for not posting for the last couple of days, but I had to break into the General's liquor cabinet. Getting roaring drunk was the only way I could cope with Bush's re-election. But alas, the Jack Daniels is all gone, and I find myself sober once again.


Anyway, as you have no doubt heard, the Americans have launched their long anticipated assualt on Fallujah. I'm sure the fact that it will long and bloody with many casualties on both sides had nothing to do with the decision to delay it until after the US elections.

And what will this accomplish? Aside from pissing everyone off and creating even more terrorists? Well, probably not much. The insurgents will only pop up somewhere else in Iraq.

In one early development I find quite interesting, that wacko Shiite cleric, Moqtada al-Sadr, urged the Iraqi soldiers involved in the assault not to fight. Can you imagine that? A Shiite defending Sunnis!?!?! Seeing such an exhibition of unity brings a tear to my eye!

Saturday, November 06, 2004

The Americans certainly have an odd way of settling ties in elections. For example, two candidates in White Pine County, Nevada were running for County Commissioner, and each received 1847 votes. So to decide the winner, they cut a deck of cards. The loser ended up with a seven of diamonds while the winner drew a queen of clubs. Then civil war erupted.

No, no. Just kidding about the civil war part.

As you know, Iraq was a thriving democracy until the Americans invaded. Granted, I personally never had any opposition, but that was purely by coincidence.... And the occasional public execution.

However, down at the local levels, electoral draws would occasionally occur. But under the terms of the previous Iraqi constitution, we settled such ties in a much more civilized manner: The candidate with the bigger militia won.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Thursday, November 04, 2004

A message from Yours Truly to the infidel Americans:

What the hell is wrong with you people!?! Granted, I did foolishly urge you to go out and vote, but I meant for John Kerry, you morons, NOT frikkin' George Bush!!!!!

I mean, I figured you people had enough sense to know what I meant without me having to provide you with detailed instructions!!! But n-o-o-O-O-O-O-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O!!!!! You just had to go and reelect him, didn't you!?!? You realize what this means, don't you? Now I'm NEVER going to get out of here!!!!

Why did you do it? Is it because 40% of you still stupidly believe that I was somehow involved in 9/11? Have you forgotten that the Commission which investigated those attacks said there was no connection between me and Al Qaeda? And have you forgotten what Richard Clarke said? That he had tried to warn Bush and Cheney about Osama in the first few months of the Administration, but they just ignored him.

So what happens? I'm the one who ends up in jail while the guy who killed 3000 American civilians on American soil is STILL on the loose. What's more, he's even making frikkin' videotapes taunting you people!!! And you know why? Because the American military is busy trying to bring my country under control instead of out looking for him!

And so you go and reelect Bush.... We'll see if you people still feel the same way when he turns the United States into a Christian theocracy and starts flogging women who try to get abortions.

Just don't come crying to me when you realize your mistake.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

If you are an infidel American, do not forget to vote today!

Sunday, October 31, 2004

I've been sitting here working on some math problems. What? Are you surprised I would dabble in such an intellectual exercise!?! Well, you shouldn't be. I was a math major back in college. Admittedly, my grades weren't very good at first, but that all changed after I gassed the Dean and his family.

Anyway, what prompted my resurgence of interest in numbers was this recent report that over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have died since the beginning of the war. Yes, I know that sounds bad, but it gets even worse when you start analyzing it.

For example: Everyone knows that I have been accused of killing "hundreds of thousands" of my own citizens. And although I never really kept track, that sounds about right. But for sake of argument, lets put the exact total at 900,000. Yeah, yeah, I hear some of you cringing in revulsion. But in my defense, I'd like to point out that the vast majority of those were Kurds and Shiites.

I took over Iraq in 1979 and ruled for 24 years until my, um, "extended vacation" which began last year. So you take that 900,000 figure and divide by 24, and you get an average of 37,500 deaths per year.

The Americans, on the other hand, took over about 18 months ago. So take that 100,000 figure, divide it by 1.5, and you end up with an average of 66,667 deaths per year.

Interesting, eh? And there's more: This recent study also says that the average Iraqi civilian is 58 times more likely to die a violent death NOW than he or she was before the war!

Well, well.... It would appear that no matter how you slice it, Bush is a much more efficient killer of Iraqi civilians than I ever was!

Kind of makes me jealous....

Friday, October 29, 2004

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Sometimes it gets pretty lonely in this little cell of mine, and I thank Allah I have an IPod to help me get through the long days. Here are some recent additions to my music library:

A Bush Kerry one sung to the tune "Do the Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

A Pulp Fiction style explanation for the invasion of my peace loving, UN sanction respecting, and totally harmless nation. This version includes the video.

And another Bush parody sung to the tune of "Coming 'Round the Mountain."

Finally, if you're a fan of "Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody," absolutely do NOT listen to this one.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

I don't mean to constantly harp on how President Bush has bungled his invasion and occupation of my country, but it can't be helped because, well, he bungled it. And not just a little bit, either. I mean, he really, really, really, really, REALLY royally bungled it! Remember when I invaded Kuwait 14 years ago? Even I had enough frikkin' sense to go in there with enough troops to secure the damn place!!!

But George "I Know What I'm Doing So Get Out My Way" Bush didn't want to listen to anyone else. Not even a secret intelligence report warning of a massive insurgency. And why did he ignore it? Simply because it differed with his preconceived notions of how the invasion and occupation would go.


This failure to use enough manpower has led to many of the United States' current problems, including--get this--the loss of 380 frikkin' tons of high explosives!!

How the hell do lose that much of anything!?!?! I mean, it's not like you can slip the stuff under your jacket and sneak it out the door! Nor is it likely to be easy to hide in the trunk of your car! Try to wrap your puny infidel minds around that number, if you can: 380 tons!!! That weighs damn near as much as Rosie O'Donnell!

But worst of all, that was my 380 tons of high explosives!!! Someone had better hurry up and find the sh*t, or you can rest assured I'll be sending the Bush family a bill for every last ounce of it.

Monday, October 25, 2004

President Bush continues to tell Americans he is the candidate best able to protect them.

Personally, I'm inclined to believe him. After all, it's been scientifically proven that even the dumbest rats in a maze learn through their mistakes. Now don't misunderstand me: I'm not trying to insult Mr. Bush by calling him a rodent. I merely used that particular comparison because of the similar IQ's involved. And in the case of the President, he certainly learned something when he chose to completely ignore Richard Clarke's warnings about Al Qaeda in early 2001.

You know what else Bush reminds me of? Abusive husbands. Seriously, think about it: Such men are always telling their wives that no one else will love them, that no one else can take care of them, so "you can't leave me." And that's exactly what his campaign has been saying lately.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

---------------Michael Ramirez, LA Times

One of the more controversial topics to come up during the infidel Americans' current futile exercise in democracy is the possibility of a military draft being reinstituted. Bush's opponent, who surprisingly has not yet been jailed (after all, that's what I used to with MY opponents) has said that the President already has plans to do that. Bush, of course, who is fighting to keep from joining the ranks of the unemployed, denies the accusation. And we ALL know what his credibility is like, don't we?

So who's telling the truth? Who knows? But here's a clue: The US army is strongly considering adding women to its combat units to offset a serious shortage of personnel. Well, guess what? If they're so desperate for people that they're thinking about doing that, it means that more soldiers are needed. And if fewer people are enlisting voluntarily, then that means that the draft can't be far behind.

Sure, Bush has promised that there won't be a draft. But all he has to do is declare that circumstances have changed because of the ongoing "War on Terror," which includes attacking countries that don't have any frikkin' terrorists in it, and the Republican congress will immediately roll over and vote to restart the draft.

So if you're an American between the ages of 18 and 25, and you want to be President in about 30 years or so, ask your rich and influential daddy to get you into the Texas Air National Guard now!

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox! They have proven that even when faced with a far superior force, the underdog can still win. And for some reason, I take great comfort in that.

Now onto other matters: Every Halloween the stupid infidels begin playing an old song known as "The Monster Mash." This thing has been around for some 40 years now. Even the guards here in the cellblock constantly play it as they drag us across the floor at the ends of dog leashes.... And it pisses them off to no end when I take a dump in the middle of the hallway because then they have use a pooper scooper. And needless to say, in my case, they require the jumbo extra large industrial capacity one.

I mention this only because I have stumbled across a great--and timely--new remake of the song.


I am faced with a most vexing dilemma tonight....

At 3:20 A.M. the Boston Red Sox go up against the New York Yankees in game seven of the Infidel League Championship Series. Now I'm not generally a baseball fan, but I do despise the Yankees because of the way they constantly vanquish much weaker foes. So nothing would give me greater joy than to see them vanquished by the BoSox.

A few days ago it seemed like Boston was finished, but they became the first team in MLB history to win three straight playoff games after being down 0-3 in a series. If they can win tonight, it will give me hope that I can yet win this current conflict I'm currently engaged in with the United States.

But here's the problem: My favorite TV show, "Lost," comes on at 3:00! Now if I still had my TiVo, this wouldn't be a problem. I'd record "Lost," then go back and watch it after the game.... Assuming, of course, I haven't smashed my TV into tiny little pieces because the Yankees won. But unfortunately the Americans confiscated the TiVo back when I was captured, and I haven't seen it since. I requested a new one from the Red Cross the last time they checked up on me, but I fear the aid worker was kidnapped before he could get back to the Green Zone with the paperwork.

Damned insurgency....

Anyway, if you're not familiar with "Lost," it's about a group of plane crash survivors stranded on a deserted island. I find myself fascinated by the way they are gradually filling in the backstories of the various passengers through flashbacks.

Did you see the one a couple of weeks ago where the kid got his dog back? I don't mind telling you that I bawled like a baby! But don't tell anyone or I'll have torture you. Got that?

The character I'm most interested in is a guy named Sayid. He claims to be a former member of my Republican Guard, but damned if I remember seeing him around. Then again, most of us look alike, so who knows?

My least favorite character is the Korean guy. He constantly seems to be bossing his 'wife' around, and just appears to be a general all-around prick. I'm hoping he gets eaten soon.

And getting eaten is a very real concern on this island. There's some sort of mysterious creature in the woods. No one has yet seen it, but the survivors can hear its growls, and see entire trees swaying as it stalks them. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that it will turn out to be some sort of distant evolutionary cousin of Iraq's own legendary Camelman.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

An American General last December wrote a letter to the Pentagon complaining about serious problems. He said the army was having trouble getting spare parts for tanks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and Blackhawk helicopters. One reason all those extra parts were needed was because they were being damaged during combat.

Oh, well, excu-u-u-U-U-u-use me!!! This is a war, after all. Heaven forbid anything should be damaged!

I'll try to be more careful when President Jenna Bush invades me in another 20 or 30 years.

---------------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirere

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

There have been rumors over the last several days that my former Foreign Minister, Tariq Aziz, had gone to the big dune in the sky. I have it on good authority, however, that such is NOT the case. Tariq is still very much alive.

The rumor apparently started when Dan Rather and CBS News announced they had documents proving Tariq's death.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

One of the most fascinating things about following President Bush's campaigning is wondering what the hell he's going to say next. Yesterday, for example, he was addressing a crowd in Florida when he sought to dispel rumors of a possible military draft by saying "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain: We will not have an all-volunteer army."

Of course, he quickly realized his mistake and said that what he meant to say was that there will be no draft.

Now I realize that English is a difficult language. Many non-native speakers have difficulties mastering it. Even I, as smart as I am, hardly speak a word of it. Remember the Dan Rather interview? I needed a translator.

But George W. Bush was born in America. He has lived there his entire frikkin' life. The man is now well into his fifties. Bush even went to one of the top schools in the United States, Yale University.

Isn't it reasonable to assume he would have picked up the damn language at some point along the way?

Saturday, October 16, 2004

---------------Tom Toles, The Washington Post

The American military prides itself on being a highly disciplined fighting force, and I've certainly seen evidence of that, um, "firsthand." So when a platoon in the United States army refuses orders in Iraq, it should be taken as a warning sign of serious problems despite Bush's claims of "everything in Iraq is just great! It's a regular desert paradise! The troops love it! The road to a democratic and free Iraq has a few teeny-tiny potholes, but aside from that, everythings on schedule! They're going to have elections in January! Ignore the suicide bombers in the supposedly secure Green Zone!"

Members of the 343rd Quartermaster Company have refused orders to deliver supplies along a highly dangerous route. They claim that their equipment is unsafe and prone to frequent breakdowns, and that the fuel they were to deliver was contaminated.

There is some question now as to whether the soldiers involved are merely being questioned or are actually being held under armed guard.

Friday, October 15, 2004

---------------Jim Margulies, The Record, (New Jersey)

There are four things In this world I despise more than anything else. They are, in order:

1) Shiites.
2) Kurds.
3) The Fox News Channel.
4) Building naked human pyramids.

And today I got some good news concerning one of the above: Bill O'Reilly, head loudmouth on Fox News, is being sued for $60 million. It seems that one of his production assistants is claiming that O'Reilly sexually harassed her!!

Among the various charges being leveled at Mr. Big Mouth is that he repeatedly tried talking to Andrea Mackris about vibrators, phone sex, and his own sexual antics.

All right, Bill!!!! It's always good to see a Republican get in touch with his inner pervert.

But the best part of this sordid little tale is that O'Reilly asked Andrea to get a good looking girl friend to join them for some three way action!

Hey, there's nothing wrong with a little menage a trois. All O'Reilly has to do is to keep the blonde on one side of the bed, the brunette on the other, and that way it will be "fair & balanced!!"

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Now I wasn't going to say anything about this because I didn't want to alarm any of you. I know how much each and every one of you worries about my health. But now that the uncontrolled media has gotten a hold of the story, I guess I'll go ahead and tell you that I had hernia surgery a couple of weeks ago.

But don't fret!! Everything turned out okay despite the fact that Cheney was in the operating room and kept spitting on the scalpel. And I wasn't too thrilled about having Rumsfeld as my anesthesiologist.

Most importantly, my hair is growing back just fine. It does, however, itch like crazy. I just hope none of the other inmates mistake my constant scratching as some sort of invitation.

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Now here's a funny story. You know how Bush always whining about stopping "nuculer" proliferation? Well, now it turns out that a whole crapload of my old "nuculer" material is missing, and it's the Americans' fault!!!!

Entire buildings and the precision equipment they housed have gone missing. This is stuff that United Nations weapons inspectors had tagged before I expelled them six years ago. When the inspectors returned in late 2002, they continued to monitor the material until Bush forced them to leave Iraq in March of last year. Then, once the "major combat" was (allegedly) over, they weren't allowed back in by the invaders.

I know exactly what he means.

---------------Aaron Magruder, Boondocks

Renown infidel legal scholar Tung Yin writes in response to my post about the Afghan elections: "Wait, I'm confused. I thought Iraq *was* a democracy under your reign. Here in the Infidel States, we read about how you won elections with 101% of the vote."

And that is entirely accurate, Mr. Yin. I think where you are becoming confused is in the subtle differences between "American Style Democracy" and "Iraqi Style Democracy." You see, under American Style rules you start off with several candidates, and then through a series of small scale votes (primaries or conventions) you whittle the field down to two principle contenders, plus the occasional third party gadfly who can't take a f*cking hint.

The citizenry as a whole then votes in a national election, and the person with the most votes wins.... Unless, of course, the Supreme Court becomes involved because senior citizens who are too old to even remember where they parked the damn car screwed up their ballots.

Under Iraqi Style rules, on the other hand, you start off with several candidates in addition to myself. Then I shoot my opposition, torture their families, and date their daughters.

Then, and only then, do we actually hold the election.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Here's a question to ponder: Is President Bush a dummy?

No, no, I don't mean in terms of his I.Q. Besides, I think we all know the answer to that one already.

No, I mean is he literally a dummy, like a ventriloquist's dummy? You know the ones I mean: Those wooden things, where someone shoves his hand up the dummy's butt and makes his mouth move, but really it's the puppeteer doing all the talking.... Kind of like what I used to do with my Minister of Information.

Some alert observers noticed that during his first debate with John Kerry, Bush had an odd, square shaped bulge in the back of his jacket. There is some speculation that perhaps it was a transmitter of some sort, and that either Cheney or Rove were feeding him answers.

Now I know some of you are thinking that's a rather rude question to raise about the leader of the free world. Perhaps so, but is it any ruder than invading a sovereign nation under false pretenses?

Besides, even the Washington Post has addressed this issue! Of course, they didn't exactly use the word "dummy" in describing the President, but that's only because they didn't want to generate a flood of letters to the editor from wacko Republicans.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

I have been rejoicing at the wonderful news out of Afghanistan today. In case you missed it, their attempt at democratic elections has gone down the toilet!!

Yesterday's voting was supposed to be the triumphant conclusion of three years of work by the United States. But instead, it's only resulted in more controversy among the different warlords. Apparently the problem is that the permanent ink used to mark those who voted turned out to be easy to wash off. Thus, it is impossible to say whether some voters may have cast more than one ballot.

As a result, the 15 candidates running against Interim American Puppet Hamid Karzai have gotten together and agreed NOT to honor the election results.

This is a perfect example of why dictatorships are so much simpler than democracies: You don't waste time campaigning, voting, and arguing over who won. And if anyone ever does have the audacity to question your right to lead, well, you just shoot 'em!

Saturday, October 09, 2004

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Friday, October 08, 2004

A sympathetic infidel reader has emailed me a link to another great music video featuring Bush and Kerry. This one is to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger," which I believe was the theme to Rocky MXCVIII.

Incidentally, you can find links to more Bush related music videos on the left hand side of the page under the "Musical Interludes" header.

Bush should have known better than to try and breast feed that kid.

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post Inteligencer

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

In yet another embarassing setback for the White House, Secretary of Infidel Invasions Donald Rumsfeld has publicly said that he has seen no "strong, hard evidence" linking me to Al Qaeda.

Well, DUH!!!!

Isn't that what I've been saying all along? But do people listen? No, because they foolishly believe I'm out of the picture.

But that's okay. I'm keeping track of who says what about me, and when I return to power, rest assured a lot of people are suddenly going to be flip-flopping.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Now even former Infidel Administrator Paul Bremer has come out and said that the US didn't have enough troops to set up a proper occupation. According to him, this allowed an "atmosphere of lawlessness" to become established.

Say what you will, but lawlessness was something I never tolerated. If someone stole as much a piece of fruit from a street vendor, they would end up having a hand chopped off. Oh, and you know what was funny about that? We'd always give the suspect a choice of which hand to have removed. Then, depending on which one they picked, we'd chop off the other one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, after a while the criminals started figuring this out. So they would say they wanted their right hand chopped off thinking we'd chop off their left hand. But then we would, in fact, chop off their right hand.

But the criminal mind is always quick to adapt, and so the criminals started telling us they wanted their left hand chopped off thinking we thought they meant they wanted their right hand chopped off when they really meant their left hand, all the while knowing that we would chop off their right hand.

Well, needless to say, all this psychological warfare became VERY confusing after a while.... So we started chopping off their feet instead.

The trick, you see, is to stay one step ahead of the criminals. Of course, that's not too hard when they're hopping around on one foot!

---------------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal Constitution

That's it. Iraq is doomed. The country will descend into civil war and cease to exist as a single nation.

Now some of you are probably saying, "But Saddam, that's an overly pessimistic view of the current situation! How can you be so sure of this?"

Because I said so. And what the hell are you doing questioning my ravings? Do you want to lose your thumbs? Because if that's the case, I will be more than happy to grant your wish.

Besides, Donald Rumsfeld just said that Iraq is NOT descending into civil war!

Keep in mind that this guy is the same genius who said that more American troops weren't needed in Iraq and that everything is going just fine and dandy. He's also the chief architect of the current occupation. And this man has done an exemplary job of repeatedly demonstrating that whenever he predicts something, the exact opposite ends up happening.

So yes, Iraq is doomed to civil war.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Did you watch the debate between Bush and Carrie? Oh, how I love being the center of attention!!!! Reminds me of some of the parties I used to throw. Of course, at them I was the center of attention for a different reason: The guests' lives depended on it! And may Allah the merciful have mercy on the souls of those who failed to RSVP in a timely fashion....

Which brings me to my next point, which really wasn't going to be a point at all, but now that I mention it, will be a point, though not the major point, of today's entry: What's wrong with people nowadays? If someone sends you a fancy-schmancy invitation to a lavish party, or a bar mitzvah (though I personally never got a whole lot of those), or a wedding, or a public execution, and they ask you for an RSVP, please take a few minutes to respond. Otherwise, how is that person supposed to know how many people to prepare for? It's the polite thing to do.

Unless you happen to be a despot like me, of course. Then you can show up at parties uninvited any damn time you feel like it.

Now back to my orginal point: That Carrie guy certainly has my vote! Did you see him running rhetorical circles around Bush last night? I thought he made some very good points, but feel free disagree with me if you want. Just keep in mind that it will be the last opinion you ever have.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I see that things in Florida aren't going very well after all those hurricanes, which I understand are similar to sandstorms except with water.

Thousands of people remain without homes, many schools are still closed, and well over a million people are still without electricity.

Hmmm.... Sounds a lot like Iraq!

So how long till the insurgency starts?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

The CIA recently prepared something called a "National Intelligence Estimate," and it contains truly heartwarming news. Well, heartwarming for me, anyway.

It says that the best case scenario for Iraq is a continued insurgency. The worst case scenario is outright civil war. Some observers would argue that we are already in the early stages of that worst case.

Did Bush actually think that the Sunni minority of my country would agree to be ruled by a Shiite majority? That's like saying that because there are more cockroaches than humans, the bugs should rule mankind!

---------------David Horsey, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Monday, September 27, 2004

I'm introducing a new, periodic feature in which I will take selected comments and answer them in my posts. It will appear on a somewhat irregular basis, perhaps every week or two. Then again, I may also decide to discontinue it entirely. Who knows? You see, that's one of the great things about being a dictator: I can do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want to whomever the hell I want!!!! Assuming it's okay with the guards, that is.

I've been debating what to call it. One possibility I considered was "Saddam's Mailbag," but the comments aren't really mail. And Allah only knows I certainly wouldn't want to do anything deceptive or misleading!!!

Then I thought of "Dear Saddam," but I didn't want it to sound like some sort of fruity advice column.

At thst point I went back to the drawing board and decided to name the column after what I do best. So without further ado, here's the first installment of:

Mock the Infidels

* Reader Tung Yin writes: "Hey Saddam, what kind of crap is this news story, er, propaganda that I've read: "CAIRO (AFP) - Toppled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is miserable sitting in a jail cell awaiting trial on charges of crimes against humanity and has begged for mercy, Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said in an interview." What do you plan to do about this sort of calumny?"

Well, Mr. Yin, the first thing I plan to do is look up the word "calumny." And haven't I warned you previously about using big words around me? Have you already forgotten the lesson I taught you? Or are you merely bored and you actually want electrodes hooked up to your naughty bits?

cal·um·ny: 1) A false statement maliciously made to injure another's reputation. 2) The utterance of maliciously false statements; slander.

Ah, now I understand! Basically, you're asking me if Allawi is a lying sack of camel crap!! Well, I'm just going to follow John Kerry's example and not do ANYTHING while others say slanderous things about me. Mr. Allawi also insists that things are going swimmingly well in Iraq, so I'll let his credibility speak for itself.

* Another reader, Joe, wrote in response to the Sept 20 entry: "get a life you immature losers. funny how you complain about Bush, yet you emulate a person who has killed millions of his own. and as for the discovery of AMD's, where is your mention of Mustard Gas, and Rican, both of which are banned as AMD's. These are gasses used to kill people, and gases that he (saddam) tested on the kurds(his own people). where do you obnoxious little sh*t-weasels get off? chances are that you will delete this post anyway, kinda funny how you will defend someone who has called for the death of all Americans, yet you will not allow free speach to reign free on your own website. please, put your tinfoil hat back on, continue blaming the "Eevil" Chenney-Haliburton-Bush-Rove" death squads for everything. if you care to stand up for this stuff that you beleive in, please feel free to email me. but try useing facts in your arguments. i have read your aimless spew here, and don't need an email full of it."

First of all, let me say that I admire your command of the English language, Joe. It's almost as good as President Bush's! Your inability to master the proper use of capital letters, as well as your heavy reliance on misspelled words certainly says a lot about your intellectual capacity!! Have you thought about trying out for Jeopardy!? On second thought, maybe you better not. You'd only end up owing Alex Trebeck money.

Had you taken the time to peruse the rest of this site, you would have seen that I have often spoken with great pride of gasing Kurds and Shiites. I have never denied using such substances in the past; the question that needs to be asked is whether I still have them. After all, that was one of the initial reasons for the invasion of my country. All that crap about creating a free and democratic Iraq only started AFTER the search for WMD's came up empty.

Oh, and I have not killed "millions" of my own people. That is an outrageous, baldfaced lie!! Who told you that crap anyway? The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth?

At last count it was only 999,354.

* Finally, Danny the Infidel asks: Has the first edition of 'Car Bombs for Dummies' reached the Baghdad book stores yet?

Yes, but the delivery truck blew up before it could be unloaded.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

'Boondocks,' by Aaron MagruderInterim Puppet Prime Minister Ayad Allawi has been in Washington during the past week. Apparently he and George Dubya engaged in some heavy drinking, because that's the only way I can explain their optimism about the future of Iraq.

It should be obvious to everyone that not only are things getting worse, the whole stinkin' place is descending into total, absolute chaos. Foreigners are being kidnapped at an accelerated pace, bootlegged copies of beheading videos are selling on streetcorners, three or four car bombs are going off every week, Iraqi police and army recruits getting targeted for attacks at increasing rates, and more American troops are being killed and wounded than ever.

Quite frankly, the country is so royally f*cked up right now that I'm no longer sure that even I want it back. After all, I'm a despot, not a miracle worker.

Yet these two clowns continue to insist that those stupid elections will go forward in January. Um, how? Despite what Allawi says, large portions of the country are in the hands of various insurgent groups. Does he seriously believe those places will be able to participate in elections? And if, in fact, large portions of Iraq can not vote, what will that do to the legitimacy of any future government?

'Boondocks,' by Aaron MagruderOn the other hand, any future Iraqi government that does not have me in charge is, by definition, illegitimate.

Even Donald Rumsfeld, whom I consider to be a ninny of the highest order, has conceded that large parts of the nation may not be able to vote. But then there are people at the State Department who insist that EVERYONE in Iraq will be able to do so.

It's becoming obvious that not only is President Bush living in the land of Oz, but that even the rest of the United States government is populated by clueless Munchkins.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Have you heard of a brain dysfunction called "perseveration?" A couple of psychologists have written a paper suggesting that the German fighter ace known as the Red Baron suffered from it.

People who suffer from perseveration stubbornly persist in a task even when they know it is doomed to failure. But they become so fixated on the task at hand that they absolutely can not give up on it. In the case of the Red Baron, he pursued a British pilot into enemy airspace even when he knew he was certain to be shot down. The authors of the paper theorize that in the case of the Red Baron, the disorder was brought on by a head wound he had suffered some time before.

Hmmm... A fixation on an unattainable goal.... Extreme stubbornness....

Does anyone know if President Bush bumped his head when he passed out during the pretzel incident a few years ago?

---------------Tony Auth, The Philadelphia Inquirer