Wednesday, March 31, 2004

The stupid Tampa Bay Devil Rays lost to the Yankees 12-1 in their second game.

If Uday were still alive and managing Tampa, this never would have happened. He knew how to properly motivate athletes. In this case, he probably would have pulled the pitcher in the fifth inning and executed him in front of his teammates.

Now that would certainly have fired up their competitive spirit.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Some of you may recall from last year that I absolutely despise the New York Yankees. So I'm sure you can imagine my glee at hearing that the evil ones* lost their season opener to Tampa Bay 8-3.

So much for that enormous payroll of theirs, eh? I guess even $87 billion won't buy you a winning effort these days.

*Bush hasn't trademarked that term, has he?

Monday, March 29, 2004

I must admit to being somewhat confused by this whole business of freedom of the press. Personally, prior to this, er, "temporary imposed vacation" that I'm currently on, my philosophy was that if someone printed something I didn't like, I had them arrested, tortured, executed, and then--for good measure--tortured some more. And depending on my mood, sometimes I'd have them executed a second time. Followed by more torture and another execution. Generally speaking, this would only work for about four cycles because the body would start falling apart.

Then along comes the United States screaming about Democracy, freedom, and people being free to voice their opinions now that Saddam is gone. Very impressive talk indeed!

Ah, but so much for the theory. How's that whole "freedom of the press" thing working out in practice?

Well, apparently not too well. The other day US soldiers moved in and closed down a Shiite newspaper opposed to the new Constitution.

Hell, even I could have done that.

I just heard something so absolutely hilarious I thought I'd share with you, my many loyal readers yearning to be oppressed and brutalized. It seems the United States has been training about 50 Iraqis who will eventually become the civilian leaders of Iraq's new military. And if that's not funny enough, the US further expects to develop a "strategic alliance" with this new Iraqi army!!

On what frikkin' planet? Because that certainly is NOT going to happen here on Earth. Oh, I know!! Maybe the Americans are anticipating this fairy tale alliance to occur on that recently discovered new planet, Sedna.

Speaking of planets, have you heard about this rare planetary alignment that's taking place this week? Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn are all visible at night now. Even more incredible, they're all in a straight line with Earth. This amazing celestial show will not occur again until 2040, which coincidentally is the same year I expect to achieve world domination.

Now I know what some of you out there are saying. "If I set you up on a date with my sister, will you promise not to torture me?" And others among you asking, "Well, having the six inner planets all lined up like that is quite interesting, Saddam, but where's Uranus?"

It's right here between my butt cheeks, you idiot!


Sunday, March 28, 2004

----------Jeff Danziger, Tribune Media

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Apparently President Bush, sensing that he'll be out of a job as of next January, is auditioning to become a comedian. He was at some dinner when he showed a slide show of himself looking behind curtains and under furniture for my weapons of mass destruction. Needless to say, he kept coming up empty handed.

----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

I know Bush gets criticized a lot. But I think it's good that a man who has just flushed $87 billion down the toilet, invaded a country under false pretenses, earned the world's scorn, and is indirectly responsible for thousands of deaths can maintain a sense of humor about the whole stinkin' fiasco.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

A couple of days ago I complained about the horrible treatment I am repeatedly being subjected to. Specifically, the lack of access to the Sci-Fi Channel, as well as any Premium cable channels. Many of my loyal readers were quick to volunteer to tape shows for me, especially The Sopranos. I would like to thank all of you who took the time....

Oh, who am I kidding.... Only one--ONE--reader offered to do this for me. And I recognize him as a longtime follower and consummate yes-man who is totally devoid of any independent thought and constantly agrees with everything I say.

Needless to say, I admire that in a man.

As for the rest of you: Rest assured that I shall not forget this failure to step forward in Saddam's hour of need. I have recorded your I.P. addresses, and I will be knocking on your front doors after President Dennis Kucinich frees me next January.

However, you can still save your necks. Just send me porn.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

----------Ed Gamble, Florida Times-Union

$87 billion for that piece of junk?!?!?! If I were an American, I'd be pretty pissed off.

Anyone who still doubts that I got a raw deal needs to take a look at Richard Clarke's book, "Against All Enemies." Basically, it says that the Bush Administration had it in for me from the beginning. In fact, in the days immediately after 9-11, the President was trying his best to somehow tie the attacks to me. This, in spite of overwhelming evidence implicating Al Qaeda.

As the world now knows, I had nothing to do with 9-11. My followers, as a rule, do not engage in suicide attacks. Rather, I shoot them myself if they screw up. Nor do I have any connection to Osama, aside from our annual exchange of Ramadan cards. I think he's a religious fruitcake, and he thinks I'm an unholy self-serving tyrant concerned only with lining his own pockets, and enhancing his power solely for the sake of power.

Which is true, but that's besides the point. And that point is that I was framed!!

Now I know how O.J. felt.

It turns out that a year ago, as the United States was preparing to launch its highly irregular incursion into my humble peace-loving paradise, a number of embedded reporters were circulating a "Vietnam II" checklist.

It's worth taking a look at how the two compare.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Some of you may already have noticed I added a Weather Channel feed on the left. I did that mainly because I don't have access to a lot of windows around here, and I like to know what it's like outside. Then again, I suppose that's kind of silly. We're in the middle of a frikkin' desert, so of course every day is going to be sunny and hot as hell.

Even so, I added that link. Believe it or not, it does occasionally work. The rest of the time I can only conclude that it's encountering some sort of electrical interference from all the damn car bombs that keep going off.

I did have some trouble tracking that Weather Channel feed down, so I'd like to thank the worthless infidel at Coptalk for his assistance. It probably would have been easier if I had just stolen his. I mean, what could he have done about it if I had? Arrest me?



----------Mike Luckovich, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Monday, March 22, 2004

Loyal reader and devoted follower Tung Yin, who still lives in his parents' basement with his collection of 1537 Star Trek dolls, er, "action figures," including all 22 versions of Captain Picard as Locutus of Borg, writes:

"Saddam, did you ever watch the old "Star Trek" series? I remember this episode ("A Taste of Armageddon") where Kirk and Spock were locked up in some room, with a guard outside. Spock used his mental powers to make the guard think something was wrong, the guard came in, and Kirk knocked him out.
Surely you have such mental powers, too. Can you effect an escape?"

Well, yes, of course I have such mental powers. Why do you think they still haven't found my weapons of mass destruction, you ninny!?! Surely you don't believe my repeated denials of their existence, do you? I mean, we've known each other how long now, and you still trust me!?! What the hell's wrong with you?!?

Remind me to sell you my Chevy Vega.

The fact is I don't want to escape. I'm quite comfortable in here; certainly much more so than I was curled up in the backseat of the aforementioned Vega. I get three squares day and the occasional conjugal visits from rabid America hating babes such as the Dixie Chicks, Barbara Streisand, and Susan Sarandon. In fact, there was one time when, due to a scheduling snafu (you know how the US military is) all five of them showed up at the same time. Needless to say, it got quite crowded on this single cot. And you know how that Sarandon chick is: She just does not like to share!

And while they won't let me have a computer, I've nonetheless been able to get around that little restriction by climbing through the ceiling to General Abizaid's office and logging on to the internet there.

My only real complaint is the limited choices of television channels. For example, not only do I not have HBO (and The Sopranos just started its fifth season!!), but I don't have the Sci-Fi Channel either!!! Now HBO I can understand. After all, it's a premium channel, and this little conflict is costing the United States a fortune. But the Sci-Fi Channel!!!! Gimme a break!!! That's a basic cable channel, for Allah's sakes!!! Rest assured I will raise this issue with the Red Cross the next time they pay me a visit.

So I'll just enjoy my "vacation" for now and bide my time till after the election. I'm confident that the short fella--Dennis Kucinich, I think his name is--will win. He's already promised to pull the American troops out of my country if elected. At that point I'll be released and go back to the business of running Iraq and plundering its wealth. Plus, I figure I'll have a healthy sized court settlement coming to me from the "unlawful imprisonment" lawsuit I plan to file against the United States.

Oops, gotta go. Guard's coming!

Sunday, March 21, 2004

I spent the afternoon afternoon being interrogated. The Americans really aren't very good at it. Why, they haven't tortured me even once!! You have to wonder where these guys learned to interview prisoners of war. Oh, wait, technically I'm NOT actually a POW; I'm a POUIIAO (Prisoner Of An Unjust Illegal Invasion And Occupation). So I spend of my "interrogation sessions" making paper airplanes. I've gotten quite good at it as I've refined my understanding of basic aerodynamic principles.

Anyway, I am starting to feel just a bit sorry for my captors. For example, today the CIA guy kept asking me who's responsible for all the car bombings in Baghdad lately. And as one of my airplanes bounced off his forehead, he began crying. Softly at first, then big loud sobs. Frankly, I was embarrassed for him. I hate to see a grown man cry.... Unless, of course, it's a Shiite weeping for his family.

So I told him it was Basque separatists.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

----------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Friday, March 19, 2004

So I'm crawling through the ceiling earlier on my way to the General's office to surf the net for some porn when I suddenly notice a really disgusting smell. I looked down through this vent, and what did I see? Colin Powell taking a dump in the men's room!!! Turns out he was paying a surprise visit to my country.

And all I have to say is, I think something crawled up inside him and died, because that smell was awful. I almost gagged on it!! Can you imagine if I had passed out, crashed through the ceiling tiles, and ended up in his lap!?! Lucy would have had a LOT of 'splaining to do!

Still, it turns out my body has built up a substantial immunity to foul odors. That's one advantage from having worked so closely with chemical weapons. Er, I mean that theoretically, of course, as in, IF I had ever worked with chemical weapons, I WOULD have built up an immunity.

Anyway, I did manage to keep breathing and began shooting spitballs at him. And of course he's looking around trying to figure out what's going on, swatting at the air like maybe its bugs of some kind. At one point he almost fell off the seat!

But after a few minutes of fun I decided it was time to move on. After all, I had porn to check out.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

One of the reasons I started blogging again was to offer my thoughts and prognostications on the upcoming election in the United States. While I personally have not yet formally endorsed any of the candidates, you can bet your sweet bibby it won't be Bush.

Not that I have anything against the man personally, you understand. It's just that I disagree with certain, er, "aspects" of his foreign policy.

----------Mike Ramirez, LA Times

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I almost forgot! Yesterday was the 16th anniversary of my chemical attack on the Kurds. Normally my sons and I would throw a big party to mark the occasion but, well, I guess not this year. I can't get away at the moment, and Uday and Qusay are pushing up daisies.

You know what's sad, though? You use weapons of mass destruction one time, and the next thing you know, you're branded for life.

Okay, so maybe it was a couple of times. But still, that was a long time ago.... In a galaxy far, far away. HAHAHAHAHA!!! It's good to able to laugh at times like this.

Oops, gotta go. Guard's coming.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I know what you're all saying: "Saddam? Is that really you? Are you really blogging again? We missed you so much! May we hug you and kiss you and blow in your ear?"

Well, I missed you, too, even if you are all a bunch of cowardly weasels. And stay the hell away from me; this ain't San Francisco, you know. A simple handshake will do.

Yes, it's true: I'm back to blogging. But don't expect it to be as frequent as last year. They keep me locked away, and I'm not supposed to have access to computers. However, I did figure out that if I lift up the ceiling tiles in my cell and climb up, I can make my way through the crawlspace to the prison's commanding General's office, drop back down, and log onto his desktop. Took a while to figure out his passcode, but it's mycommanderinchiefisanidiot.

That's easy enough to remember.

Gotta go. Guard's coming.

Wasn't there once a TV show in America called "Father Knows Best?" Too bad a certain someone forgot its lessons.