Thursday, April 03, 2003

The people of Baghdad are once again on the verge of panic. As their fearless leader, it is my duty to calm them, make them feel safe, and if necessary, to shoot the whole sorry lot of them. Consequently, I have asked my information minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, to once again go on TV and reassure our citizens that all is well, and that the invading hordes spawned by Satan's own demon seed remain immobilized by fear at the Kuwaiti border. I would address them myself, but I do not wish to leave the side of my son. He may need something. Dead people can be so demanding.

Later, Mohammed and I will address the separate issue of my lengthy sentences and overuse of commas.

I am not sure, however, how many people actually saw his address. The power has gone out all across Baghdad, no doubt because of an unlucky squirrel crawling into a power transformer somewhere. Oh, you didn't think we had squirrels here?

Well, we do. These are desert squirrels, much larger than the puny infidel squirrels of the west. Our squirrels often grow to five feet in length and can easily weigh as much as a Honda Civic. The base model, I mean, without air conditioning and power windows. They have been known to chase down slow or infirm camels and eat them.

That is why we middle eastern males guard our nuts so closely.