Friday, April 11, 2003

Several of my loyal followers have raised an interesting question: If male suicide bombers get 72 virgins when they martyr themselves, what do the female suicide bombers get?

I must confess that I don't know the answer to that. Theology is not one of my strongpoints. However, if you need advice on torture and the best places to attach live electrical wiring to a human body, feel free to give me a hollar.

Quite frankly, about the only time you'll catch me in a mosque is for funerals or weddings. Beyond that, forget it. I mean, yeah, I'll invoke Allah's name every now & then when it suits my needs. And yes, I'll refer to the occasional invading horde as as "evil bloodsucking baby stealing infidels," but that's more for show. That kind of bluster always looks good on Al-Jazeera, and it gets the illiterate masses nice and riled up. Makes them adore me and want to pinch my cheeks, and then go strap on vests loaded with dynamite. Learned that trick from my buddy, Osama.

Now he's a person who is VERY much into the Allah thing. In fact, I find people like that downright annoying at times. It's always Allah this and Allah that. Osama can be worse than the damn Jehova's Witnesses with his constant preaching. In fact, you know who the most self-righteous and arrogant people in the world are? Born again Muslims and reformed smokers. They immediately assume they're better than you. And Osama fits the bill on both of those.

Oh, you didn't know the world's most beloved terrorist used to smoke?!? Oh, yeah. Like a chimney. Especially after sex. I'd walk into the barn and there he'd be, standing over an exhausted goat, puffing away.

What brand did he smoke? Why, Camels, of course!

HA, HA, HA!!!!

Anyway, I have referred your questions about the female suicide bombers to him.