The American trespassers are running around, changing the names of various places named after me. By now everyone knows Saddam International Airport became Baghdad International Airport (what kind of name is that for an airport?). Basra's Saddam Hospital is now something called Public Hospital. Saddam City is Revolution City. Is it my fault that my people love me so much that choose to repeatedly honor me by naming hospitals, shopping malls, schools, and highway interchanges after me? Is it my fault that they have no choice BUT to love me or else face ten years in prison?

No, of course not!

Don't the infidels realize that they are only creating more work for me for when I return to power? The longer it takes me to restore the proper names of all the landmarks that have been defiled, the more tired I will become. And when I get tired, I get cranky. And when I get cranky, I invade surrounding countries. So the Americans, if they know what's good for them--and Kuwait--better lighten up on the renaming business.

Speaking of business, I'm getting tired of listening to people do theirs. I need to get out of this bathroom.

Which brings me to my next point: What is it about men and public bathrooms? Is their aim that bad at home as well? Seriously, people: The object is to get the stream INto the porcelain fixtures. That's why they're called URINALS, for Allah's sake!!

I'm tempted to let loose with my Sarin gas--Uh, I mean, uh, I WOULD be tempted to let loose with my Sarin gas IF I actually had any, which of course I don't, because I would never do anything sneaky like hide my forbidden weapons in baseball bats--the next time someone uses the facilities without flushing. The only problem is that the existing stench of human waste would probably overpower the Sarin.

Maybe I can bottle the air in this room and ship it to the Shiites.