Let me throw out a purely hypothetical situation for you: Say I do, in fact, end up being captured (Not that anything is imminent). What will I be charged with? Being a mean and nasty leader? Well, then shouldn't Castro, Kim jung il, and those older than dirt octagenarians leading China these days also be on trial? As I've said before, I'm a despot. Being oppressive goes with the turf. It's on page 57 of The Official Despot Pocket Guide to Leadership: "You shall brutally crush all opposition to your rule." And Despotism for Dummies says, "Just go out and kill everyone you don't like." Even the new edition of The One Minute Dictator sums it in Chapter 4 with "Shoot." That's it. That's the whole chapter. And Chapter 5 says "A lot." So don't act all shocked and surprised. It's what I do. Accountants crunch numbers, lawyers navigate the legal system, AOL provides slow internet acces, and despots eliminate their oppostion.

Have I ever come barging into your cubicle and told you how to do your job? No, of course not. Mainly because I couldn't get past the receptionist, but that's besides the point. So please, just let me do my job. As the great philosopher Rodney King once said, "Can't we all just get along?"

And no one has found any "weapons of massive destruction," so I haven't violated any UN resolutions. Granted, I Used have them. But I used most of them up on the Shiites (and I think the Americans will now agree with my approach to the Shiites) and Kurds, and destroyed the rest. Okay, so I couldn't fully account for all the quantities of sarin and mustard gas I once had.

But since when is lousy record keeping a crime against humanity?