I had a heart attack earlier and almost died. Fortunately, an American soldier passing by resuscitated me. I'm not sure, but I think he was feeling up my silicone breast implants.... Felt kinda good, too.

Anyway, it was this incredible, unbelievable piece of news that sent me into shock, my Vega off the road and into a sand dune, and the old ticker into ventricular fibrillation: Bush has finally come right out and said that I had nothing to do with the 9-11 attacks!!!!!

I had been saying this all along, but no one would listen to me! It's almost like I had some sort of credibility problem....