Monday, September 29, 2003

I should point out that while I'm no fan of telemarketers, I also despise spammers. There is NOTHING wrong with my penis, okay? As any of the 27,354 women I've slept with will attest, I am hung like a camel. So stop sending me email telling me I'm somehow inferior. I strongly suspect that spammers send out their insulting garbage in a sad attempt to mask their OWN sexual inadequacies.

Rest assured that when I take over the United States of Saddam, I shall put a stop to the activities of both groups. And there will be no silly appeals to the courts screaming about violations of free speech, simply because there won't be any more first amendment.

I know that some of you are upset by that kind of talk. And you are the people who must make up your minds once and for all: Do you want to put a stop to intrusive telemarketing calls and garbage filled spam, or do you want that silly old Constitution of yours? Because you can't have both, you know. Besides, the stupid thing is like, what, 200 some years old? The damn ink in the original document is so faded by now, no one can read it anyway! So are you going to take the word of some judge--who isn't an elected official to begin with--about what it really says? For all you know, your Founding Fathers had an Article or Clause or paragraph in there calling for the slow, torturous deaths of anyone found guilty of telemarketing and spamming!

Oh, and if you're wondering what I plan to do with those illegible original copies of your Constitution, I plan to auction them off on eBay. We can use the proceeds to pay off the enormous debt you guys ran up invading Iraq.