Friday, September 26, 2003

I understand that the United States is an uproar over telemarketers. Apparently there is some sort of new "Do Not Call" list that 40 million infidels had signed up for, only to have a judge strike it down a few days ago. Then Congress addressed that judge's concerns, only to have a second judge strike it down again on the grounds of free speech. See, there's that Constitution thing again, causing problems.

Few people know this, but Iraq used to have a large telemarketing industry years ago. People routinely received 10, 12, sometimes 15 calls a day selling all kinds of stuff. Mostly it was for lawn care products, because if you live in a frikkin' desert and are stupid enough to have a lawn, it's going to need a LOT of maintenance. And for a while gas masks were a big seller, but I put a stop to that.

But all this didn't really bother me, because I had an unlisted number. The only people who ever called me were my top generals, Chemical Ali, my sons (may Allah rest their souls). my wives, and the Dixie Chicks.

So one day I'm sitting in the bathroom reading the paper and manufacturing weapons of massive smells, and my private hotline rings. Well, I immediately think there's an uprising somewhere, or the UN inspectors are coming, or it's a chance to get laid. Of course I leap off the seat and start running to the phone. Unfortunately my pants are still down around my ankles, and I end up tripping and falling. Smashed a coffee table and knocked over a bust of myself on the way down.

So imagine how I felt when I finally answer the damn phone and find that it was some dang idiot selling vinyl siding!!

Now why would I need vinyl siding?!? All my palaces are (or were) made of marble and polished granite. So why would I want to go slapping strips of plastic crap all over them?

I was absolutely furious. I immediately ordered the Hamurabi Division of my Republican Guard to round up all the frikkin' telemarketers and gas 'em. Then afterwards I personally shot each one. Twice.

And you know what? No one said a word. Not the US, not the UN, and not any of those pesky human rights groups. But if I had as much as yelled at a single Kurd or Shiite, those same people would have been all over me like stink on camel sh*t.

But kill 12,547 telemarketers, and no one cares.

That says something about the popularity of telemarketers, doesn't it?

----------Clay Jones, Fredericksburg Free Lance Star