Monday, September 01, 2003

I was bored last night, so I decided to watch something scary. Thought about The Exorcist, but that sounded much too Christian for my taste. Considered the original Friday the 13th, but I get bored watching other homicidal maniacs strut their stuff. Besides, I end up yelling at the screen, trying to correct their technique. So finally I settled on something TRULY terrifying: The Fox News Channel.

Those people at Fox really are a bunch of psycho warmongers. After I conquer the United States and decide which of my puny neighbors to invade--could be Canada, could be Mexico--I'll put the people at Fox in charge of building public opinion against whichever I decide is the enemy.

Anyway, they had some "talking heads" program on. Now I must admit, I find this whole concept of talking heads interesting. I mean, I've personally lopped off several hundred heads in my time, but I've never had any of them converse with me afterwards, much less tell me what I should be thinking.

Then one of the heads raised the question, "Is the United States' plan for rebuilding Iraq off track?" Then all the different heads got into this debate on the matter.

Well, I admit to be quite confused. What is there to debate? From where I'm sitting, and from where my 35 million fellow countrymen are sitting, it appears that the United States NEVER had ANY sort of plan for rebuilding Iraq. Apparently they assumed some sort of spantaneous regeneration would take place, with electric grids magically coming back online on their own, water filtration facilities functioning on their own, and the Iraqi people dancing with joy in the streets.

Well, okay, so there was SOME dancing, but only a teeny-tiny little bit.... But that stopped once the people got home, flicked on the light switch, and nothing happened.

And never mind that the rest of the world told Bush NOT to invade; he and Cheney and Rumsfeld were dead set on it, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop them. And why? What did I ever do to deserve such hatred from Bush? Well, okay, there was that little incident where I tried to kill his old man, but jeez, that was like ten years ago. Get over it, for crying out loud!!!

So now Bush is stuck in a situation he can't possibly win. And the funniest part is that now he's asking all the other countries who told him NOT to come in here to begin with, for help in getting out!!

Yeah, right. That'll work.

----------Walt Handelsman, Journal News